Outside Heaven
by Liv Cassidy
Summary: They always knew Ruthie would be different, but they were all too ignorant to possibly predict this ... After tragedy strikes the Camden family, Ruthie is terrorized by her emotions and a deep dark secret she is holding inside.
1. Tragedy

Outside Heaven

* * *

_Summary: They always knew Ruthie would be different, but they were all too ignorant to possibly predict this …_

_After tragedy strikes the Camden family, Ruthie is terrorized by her emotions and a deep dark secret she is holding inside. _

Note: I've always felt the season 11 finale had a "symbolic" meaning to it, which this story is based off of.

I'm not abandoning Rock Bottom; this is just an idea that has been circling my mind for awhile.

* * *

Chapter 1

Tragedy

A rush of anxiety and sorrow traveled through seventeen-year-old Ruthie Camden's veins as she sat with her legs spread across the bathroom toilet. Her eyes, wet and sore from crying, focused on the very bath tub her older brother had taught her to swim in. _I have had many memories in this house, _Ruthie sighed. _I can't believe he's gone_. She knew her future did not lie in this house. Nobody had mentioned their moving, but Ruthie knew it was coming; her father was no longer the minister of the Glen Oak Community Church, which meant they could no longer live in this house.

Family members and old friends would be crowding the house over the course of the following days, as the funeral would be the next day. Ruthie would have to pace along side her family into the church she had attended for seventeen years, her entire life. She would force herself to sit in a pew, next to her grieving mother and siblings, and listen to her sister, Lucy, give the memorial sermon. Then, as Lucy stood at the pulpit, they would all watch her break down. Everyone had recommended that Lucy step down and allow another minister to give the sermon. Lucy, hard headed as she was, insisted she could handle it—she felt she owed it to her father.

Lucy had her own guilt on her plate. She felt she, too, was responsible for her father's death. Lucy had been the last to see him alive and the one to take him to the hospital where he passed. She felt had she only gotten him to the hospital sooner, the doctors could have done something for him. The doctors who had been at the hospital with their father over the final moments of his life assured Lucy that there was nothing she could have done; he was dying before he came into the hospital.

Her eyes traveled around the room, avoiding the object she held in her hand. She remembered the time Simon, the same brother who had taught her to swim in that bath tub, had come home from his first "party" his sophomore year. He had been drunk and Ruthie and her older siblings had conspired together to help hide him from their parents. Mary, the family's prodigal daughter and resident screw up who finally had gotten her life on track, had been the only one of the four siblings to vote against helping Simon. Ruthie remembered the talk she had with her father about "sex" as her siblings were busy hiding Simon. She had asked her father why dogs and cats can't have babies. Memories from her childhood innocence only added to the sorrow and guilt she felt in the present time.

Ruthie couldn't believe he wasn't there for her now when she needed him most. If only he were there to tell her once again not to have sex before she was married, that sex was for married couples only. She felt if only she had listened to him he would still be here, if only she had waited he would still be here. She hadn't.

_ They were alone in the house, alone in the Camden house had once been a rare occasion—but now, it was quite regular. Dad was at the church and Mom was out with the twins. T-Bone and Ruthie had the house to themselves. All Ruthie could think about was being with T-Bone; she had been "waiting" for so long. She had the opportunity in Scotland more than once, but her gut feeling kept telling her it was wrong. She had seen her brother go through living Hell during his college years. He had been terrorized by girls telling him he had fathered their child, which both situations turned out negative, and the worst of all had been his STD scare. Did Ruthie really want that for herself? She was smarter than Simon, she thought she was anyway. She had been carrying around condoms secretly for months "just in case." Ruthie was prepared for when the time came and the time had…_

If she had known at the time a month later her father would be dead, she would have thought and behaved differently. God had his way of working in mysterious ways; Ruthie knew she was being punished. She didn't know if she could get through this.

Her attention refocused to the small curved object in her hand. Slowly, she brought her eyes to focus in on it. _Come on, I have to get this over with, _she sighed. _I have to eventually, there's no getting rid of this_. She turned it over, and read the small black word in the center:

"_Pregnant"_

A lump coiled in the center of her throat as golf ball sized tears began to fall out of her eyes. She felt as though she was dead, as if her soul had died and gone to Hell. She would never see her father again, for he would reside in Heaven; rejoicing in song forever. He would be so disappointed in her.

Before she could move, a hard knock thumped from her mother's fist on the door that Ruthie had locked before coming in to take the pregnancy test. "Who's in there? You know we don't lock the door!"

Her mother had been handling her father's death under an emotional roller coaster. One minute, she would pretend nothing had happened. She would act as if he had just gone down to the church for a counseling session or to work on a sermon. Moments later, she would burst into tears. She was confused, and after being married to the reverend for thirty years, nobody blamed her.

_Crap, _Ruthie thought, _I have to get rid of this! _She knew she couldn't place it in the trash can, someone would see it when they emptied it. Quickly, she stuck it in her pants; she would dispose of it outside in the trash can.

"Just me," Ruthie choked, tears were still rolling down her eyes. "I just needed some privacy."

"Are you alright, honey? Open the door," her mother's now raspy voice asked.

Ruthie opened the door; she could feel her face burning from the tears still streaming down her cheeks. Her mother did not know the full reason for her tears, but they were appropriate for the time being. Ruthie could not bear to tell her mother her news at a time like this, there was no way. She knew she needed to _talk _to somebody, but she did not know who. Grief was already tolling through the entire house, nobody could ask for this on top of it.

_Will they kick me out? _Ruthie wondered, she couldn't imagine her mother kicking her out. Her mother needed her now more than ever, still, that didn't justify her to accept Ruthie having a baby at seventeen and unwed. Her mother had always said that Ruthie would be "different", but Ruthie knew that she thought that she would be _smarter _than her siblings. She had thought Ruthie would be the one to graduate college, get a career, get married, and _then _have a baby. There was no way she could have possibly foreseen her turning out like _this_.

Ruthie had grown up seeing her family support teenage unwed mothers. Her mother and sister had housed an entire housing system for teenaged mothers after all. She couldn't imagine them turning on _her _just because she was a Camden; that would make them full blown hypocrites.

When she saw Ruthie's tears, her mother's eyes swelled up and tears began rolling down her face. She wrapped her arms tight around Ruthie. Neither of them spoke for moments, Ruthie just worried about her mother "feeling" the object in her pants.

"I'm so sorry, Mom," was all Ruthie could say.

"Ruthie, you have nothing to be sorry for, none of this is your fault. Your father's time was up on Earth," her mother choked out. "It's hard for me to accept, too, but there was nothing any of us could do. God was calling."

_If only she knew, _Ruthie sighed to herself.

"Matt, Sarah, Mary, Carlos, and your nieces and nephews are all supposed to be flying in today, their flight is due to land at five, I was wondering if you could help by driving the other car to go pick them up at the airport? We obviously can't all fit in the van, not with five little ones who need car seats."

_ Matt, _Ruthie thought, _I can talk to Matt._ Matt was likely to be the only family member who would be able to help her at this time. He had been there for Simon when he had thought his girlfriend was pregnant and he would be there for her. _Still, Dad was still alive, _Ruthie sighed. If only she could have known he wouldn't be here. She remembered how she used to fantasize getting married and then getting pregnant and how she would tell her parents. Ruthie always imagined she would sit both her parents down, her husband holding her hand, and announce to them they were going to have their umpteenth grandchild. They would jump up thrilled, her mother would wrap her arms around her, and her father would give his congratulations.

"Yeah, Mom, I'll go with you," Ruthie gave a faux smile.

"I knew I could count on you," her mom smiled feebly giving her another hug. "I can't believe how much our family has grown in the last couple years, it makes me wonder how much it will grow over the next ten years, I feel lucky to still be apart of it, even if your father cannot."

_You won't think you can count on me for much longer, _Ruthie contemplated to herself. _I'm such a let down and a disgrace to this family. I killed my father._

_

* * *

_

I realize Ruthie is playing a "Grace Bowman," and some people may not approve of that. Personally, I think _7__th__ Heaven _is the better of the Hampton dramas…

Reviews and constructive criticism are welcome.


	2. My Father's Eyes

Maybe I'll write a happy _7__th__ Heaven _fiction one day…but considering I'm not a fan of happy fan fictions (unless they have lots of comedy), the odds of that are slim and none. :]

By the way: I'm not a much of a T-Bone fan, but meh, I'll get to him later.

* * *

Outside Heaven

Chapter 2

My Father's Eyes

Ruthie broke away from her mother to dispose of "it" as soon as she could. Slowly, she crept down the staircase, only to overhear her brother-in-law and sister's voices. Even though they no longer lived at home, they felt the need to walk in whenever they pleased at any random hour of the day. Ruthie had caught Kevin sneaking food out of their refrigerator at one o'clock in the morning because Lucy had a "craving" and they didn't have the supplies at home.

"Lucy, I really don't think it's a good idea that you give the funeral, I know you're grieving and you feel like you had some part in his death…" Kevin was telling Lucy, "I just feel that all of this is adding so much stress on you and our baby, I just don't want another tragedy." Everyone in the family was concerned about Lucy and her baby; she was four months pregnant with her second baby, even though it was her third pregnancy. Last summer had ended in tragedy when she had a miscarriage with the twin boys she was carrying. Nobody in the family wanted a repeat of last summer. Their father's death had been too much for all of them, and Ruthie knew when they all heard her news more tragedy would break out.

"I can handle it, I owe it to him; I feel like I was _destined _to give the sermon! I highly _doubt _giving the sermon is going to add anymore stress on _my _plate that isn't already there, as if losing my father isn't hard enough!" Lucy shrieked. Ruthie was no longer the only one "listening" in on their conversation. She looked up to find her mother now standing right above her.

"Snooping, are we?" her mother accused.

"Nah, I don't think Lucy and Kevin have anything to hide, otherwise they wouldn't be so amplifying," Ruthie indicated. _She needed to get out to the trash can outside, but with her mother supervising her and her brother and sister in the kitchen it wouldn't be an easy task. _She wished it were garbage day, so she could just "take out the trash." _Who says I can't take out the trash anyway? _Ruthie wondered to herself.

She mobilized herself into the kitchen, coming face to face with Kevin, who was holding Savannah, and Lucy. Neither of them spoke when she entered, they just became very quiet. Ever since their father's death everyone had become really quiet when they had been discussing him and someone else would walk in on them. Ruthie simply ignored them and made her way towards the trash can and began to tie the trash bag.

"What are you doing?" Kevin finally asked. "Trash day is not until Friday, and the garbage can is barely half full."

"It's never too early to take out the trash," Ruthie pointed out confidently.

"Do you want to know what I think?" Kevin had to butt in his "brotherly" voice. Ruthie often despised when Kevin tried to take her brother's place. He wasn't Matt and he wasn't Simon. Kevin seemed to think that he _was _Matt, though, seeing as he had moved in the year that Matt moved out. It wasn't that she didn't _like _Kevin, she thought he was a great guy—just an _annoying _great guy who wasn't ever going to take the place of her older brothers.

"No, not really," Ruthie smiled and walked out the door with the trash bag in her arms. Rapidly, she made her way to the trash can and dumped the trash and the pregnancy test along with it. She made sure to open the trash bag up when she got out there to cover the pregnancy test up. _Hopefully they don't go snooping_, Ruthie heaved a sigh.

She managed to walk around to the front of the house to avoid running into Kevin and Lucy again in the kitchen. It was only two, which meant there would be another three hours before they were going to pick up the rest of the family at the airport. Ruthie didn't know if she could hold off that long, she needed Matt. Even so, she doubted she would be able to get him alone tonight. She would wait until after the funeral to stir up more problems. That was it, she could hold off until after the funeral.

She passed the twins' room on her way back up to the attic. The twins had been taking their fathers' death the lightest of all. Yet, they had been the hardest for any of them to explain to that their father had left Earth. They seemed to understand that he had gone to heaven and was in a better place. Gallantly, they had been chirping around the house singing that, "Daddy is in Heaven!" Ruthie wondered how long it would take to sink into them that they would never see their father again during their Earthly years.

When she peeked in on the boys, she saw them each kneeling with their heads bowed and their hands folded over their bed praying, "Dear God, we just wanted to say _Hi _to our dad, we're happy he's in Heaven with you, take care of him please." They were so innocent and oblivious to the world, watching them gave hope to Ruthie. She remembered when she was a little girl and had such an innocent view on life. Childhood reminded her of a lamb, pure and white. As one aged they became experienced and knowledgeable that the world wasn't all "good." They started to see the fire orange in life, which made it not so pure. That little lamb would transform to a vicious tiger. Two poems by William Blake, _The Lamb _and _The Tyger,_ from Songs of Innocence and Songs of Experience explained Ruthie's feelings towards childhood and adulthood very efficiently.

Ruthie found herself continuing slowly up the stairs. She ended up lying on her bed staring at the ceiling daydreaming about how what a terrible person she was. Her mind drifted …

"_Crap," she heard T-Bone's voice come from the bathroom. They had just finished and Ruthie was sore, she hadn't thought Lucy was actually serious when she said her first time was a bit painful, she thought Lucy had just been telling her that so she wouldn't have sex._

"_What's wrong, T?" Ruthie called, she peeked downstairs to make sure nobody was home, which they weren't. Then she put her ear against the bathroom door listening for T-Bone._

"_I think it broke."_

"_What broke?" Ruthie's heart pounded. _

"_The condom," was all she heard until her mouth dropped._

"_B-b-before o-o-or a-a-a-after?" Ruthie stuttered._

"_I don't know! It was my first time as well!" cried T-Bone. He had told her he had done it before, she thought he was experienced; he would be careful. He was a liar._

_Ruthie dashed back up to the attic and dove into her bed in a cold sweat, tears began rolling down her eyes, she said to herself, "Everything will be alright, how many girls get pregnant their first time?" She didn't know the answer to that, but she knew according to sex education classes that the odds were just as great the first time as the tenth time._

_After that day, she pushed everything to the back of her head for many weeks—until three days ago, when she received the news of her father's death, she noticed she was late. _

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the phone ringing. Sitting up, she reached for the multi-colored phone that had once been Mary and Lucy's, but had been passed down to her when they flew the coop—well, Lucy never really "flew the coop", she just "flew the room."

"Hello," she whispered into the phone.

"Ruthie?" her brother, Simon's, voice cracked through her ear. "How are you holding up?"

"How do you _think _I'm holding up?" she snapped. _He doesn't know either, _Ruthie reminded herself. Simon hadn't been there for her or the rest of the family over the course of the last three years of their lives. He had been so self-conceited and all about himself after he killed that boy. _Like I killed my father, _Ruthie remembered. Of course, Simon had physically killed the boy—had Simon not been driving, that boy would still be alive.

"Ruthie, you're not the only one grieving!" Simon cried. "How do you think I feel? I added pressure to his already weak heart over the course of the last two years by having sex, almost getting married to Rose, and everything else I did. At least you haven't _done _anything to add pressure to Dad; yes, we all know you got a tattoo, but seriously?" _Everyone in the family has tattoos; even Mom and Dad had one, that didn't add any pressure to him. _Lucy and Matt had both told her about their tattoos; as well as Mary and Simon's. Mary and Simon didn't know she knew about their tattoos-at least not to her knowledge. She had found out about her parents' tattoos a more complicated way; snooping._  
_

She couldn't talk to him; in fact, she didn't think she could talk to anybody—besides Matt. Ruthie slammed the phone on the hook and lied back on her bed crossing her arms. She grabbed her pillow and smothered her face. _Too bad I just couldn't suffocate myself, _she sighed, _No, I cannot. I must stay alive. My family can't handle another tragedy. _Ruthie never pictured herself being capable of becoming suicidal; her life had always been filled with joy and happiness. Now, here she was, _thinking _about suicide for the first time.

"Ruthie!" her mother's voice called from the bottom of the attic steps. "Who was on the phone?" _How did she know I answered it? Are Kevin and Lucy still here? _Ruthie wondered.

"It was Simon," Ruthie said, moving to the top of the stairs so she could be face to face with her mother.

"Did he say if he was going to make it in tonight?"

_Great. I didn't even think to hold him on the phone for that long, oh well, surely he'll call back. _"He didn't say," Ruthie responded.

"Well, you better get ready, it's almost four-thirty and we don't want to be late picking up everyone at the airport," her mother told her.

_It's already almost four-thirty! Where did the time go! _Ruthie was in shock. She remembered the days when she was a child, they seemed to last forever. Now at seventeen they seemed to pass by. If she blinked it was like she missed part of the day. She feared how fast life would go when she was twenty-seven or thirty-seven or older yet. The most frightening aspect of life, she decided, was how fast and short it was.

She washed her face and put on a little eye-liner. Truthfully, she didn't know "who" she had to impress, regardless, she wanted to look nice in public. Even her family rarely saw her without makeup, and she figured she didn't wear it they would become suspicious. Of course, she could just say she didn't feel obligated because T-Bone was out of town, but she would pass. T-Bone had been scheduled to go tour a campus that he planned on going to college to today for weeks, Ruthie was going to go with him—but that all changed when her father died. He had insisted on staying back and postponing this visit until a later date, but Ruthie insisted that he go—her father would have wanted him to go. He was scheduled return later this evening.

Ruthie wasn't even sure she _wanted _to go to college anymore. She had been accepted to three colleges, including Crawford, and had been procrastinating until the college visit to make a final decision. Now that her father was dead and she was _pregnant_—that word was still hard for her to think—matters changed.

Fifteen minutes later her mother and she arrived in separate cars at the airport. On their journey to the desk to ask if the flight from New York was in, they were told, "I'm sorry for your loss" by five different people. Ruthie hadn't realized how many people in this city her father had helped, yes, she knew he had helped many—but never had she believed _that _many. Everywhere she went several people had known her father; everyone was saying they were sorry, which seemed to only make her feel worse.

Ruthie didn't understand how here she had been her whole life trying to help others and comfort them in horrible situation, but then when people tried to comfort her it only made her feel worse. Every, "I'm sorry" Ruthie heard made her throat knot up and tears swell up her eyes. She wasn't sure how much more "comfort" she could handle before she exploded entirely.

She wanted to remain "strong" in public, particularly for her mother. It was hard for her, considering she _knew_ about the hormones that were going on inside her body. Sometimes, she would just be sitting there thinking of nothing and start crying. When she cried, so did everyone else around her. Everyone would assume she was crying about her father, and possibly maybe she was. Or maybe she was crying because of _it_.

"Excuse me?" her mother asked the man standing at the desk, "Could you tell me if the flight from New York is in? It was due in at five, and now it's five-ten."

"Let me see," the man spoke, looking at his computer data, "It looks like the plane was delayed for thirty minutes flying over Chicago because of some heavy storms out in the Midwest, they should be here in about a half hour or so."

"Thank you," she responded. They found themselves sitting down and waiting. A small Vietnamese boy that couldn't be older than five whom Ruthie had never seen before came up and gave her mother a hug.

"I'm sorry for your loss," the boy spoke, behind him a tall blond haired woman followed.

"We truly are sorry," the woman spoke, "Your husband helped my husband and me get acquainted with a great adoption agency in Vietnam when we could not conceive and all of the adoption agencies here had long lists, now here we have Nicky—the biggest blessing of our lives."

"Thank you," her mother spoke holding back tears, "I am happy for you and your family, you truly are blessed to have little Nicky here in your lives and I'm sure Eric would be happy for you too."

"We are very grateful for your husband, the world will never be the same without him, he truly made a difference in many lives," the woman assured.

"Yes, he did, and I'm sure he is looking down on us all right now thankful that he was appreciated."

"You had a great husband, so few men like him are out there, be grateful," the woman hugged her mother, who had tears rolling down her eyes.

Ruthie found her mind trailing off. _My father was a great man, how did he end up with a screw up daughter like me? _Ruthie sighed, _I can't believe they thought Mary was the family screw up—she never got pregnant_ outside of wedlock. She wondered why the plane had to be delayed, she wasn't sure how much longer she could hold off talking to Matt, she knew she had promised herself she would wait until after the funeral—she wasn't sure how well she would hold that off.

She wouldn't tell him she was pregnant right off the back, she would let him guess. Surely he would do that—he was a doctor after all. He and Sarah were nearing the end of their first year of residency up in New York vicinity. Of course, having twin boys hadn't made their work situation entirely easy. Fortunately for them, they had moved next door to a very friendly elderly neighbor who just adored the boys and would watch them for free. Ruthie hadn't even seen their twins yet, she was looking forward to meeting them—they were ten months old now. She just wished she was seeing them under better circumstances.

As Ruthie became alert to her surroundings again she realized music was playing in the background. She became aware of the lyrics in this particular stanza:

_As my soul slides down to die.  
How could I lose him?  
What did I try?  
Bit by bit, I've realized  
That he was here with me;  
I looked into my father's eyes.  
My father's eyes.  
I looked into my father's eyes.  
My father's eyes._

She closed her eyes and saw her father's pale blue eyes staring back at her. He would always be there with her, she remembered when her Grandma Jenny had died and Simon had gone around asking where Heaven was. Nobody knew how to answer him except Ruthie.

_Wearing her plaid blue dress, Ruthie, being only a small and four, ran up the stairs to meet Simon sitting on the stairs. "What are we doing?" she asked a ten year old blond Simon. _

"_I'm thinking," Simon responded resting his chin in his hand. _

"_About what?" Ruthie asked innocently._

"_No one seems to know where you go when you die," Simon told her shaking his head._

_Ruthie rested her face in her hand and said, "Oh. I know."_

_Simon turned to her and squished up his face and said, "You don't either" and turned away sulking._

"_Mhm!" Ruthie had insisted back. _

"_Okay, where!" Simon demanded._

"_I don't know the name of it but it's where I was before I was born," Ruthie spoke softly. _

"_You were in Mommy's stomach!" Simon declared._

"_No! Before that!" Ruthie cried._

"_I don't know where that is," Simon told her. "I can't picture Grandma there." _

"_Picture Grandma here," Ruthie told him placing her hand on his heart. "In your heart." An "ah-hah" moment occurred for Simon as he realized that their grandmother would always be in his heart._

Her father would always be in her heart, having him in her heart wouldn't change the fact she had done what she had done. She was a wretched person who deserved to live in Hell. Ruthie contemplated about what people would say about her when she died.

_"Oh that Ruthie Camden, she had great parents, she was so adorable when she was little, but somehow once she hit puberty she went all wrong. It's hard to believe they once expected great things from her."_

_"They thought her sister Mary was bad, but hey at least she didn't end up pregnant at seventeen, even she graduated college." _

_"Ruthie Camden…let's just say the world is better off without her."_

Ruthie sulked deep down in her chair, looking away into the distance pretending to be focusing on something far away. She hoped the plane would land soon so she could avoid confrontation with her mother.

* * *

_Notes/Credits:_

: _The Lamb _and _The Tyger _are poems by William Blake that I wrote an analytical essay on for English.

:: The lyrics are from _My Father's Eyes _by Eric Clapton.

::: The flashback of Ruthie and Simon is from Season One, _No Funerals and a Wedding_


	3. Reunion

Outside Heaven

Chapter 3

Reunion

The clock turned round and round, more than a half hour had passed and Ruthie was beginning to get a little anxious. She met eyes with her mother for the first time since they had sat down. Her mother's blue eyes were filled with as much concern Ruthie was beginning to feel. Annie Camden got out of her chair and walked over to the man standing at the desk, "Hello again, you said that the flight from Buffalo was supposed to be delayed about thirty minutes—it's been longer than thirty minutes."

"Well, Miss, I haven't heard of any more delays—hold on I'll check one more time," the man told her. _Miss_. Ruthie had never heard her mother referred to as _Miss _before. _My mother is now a widow, _Ruthie came to a realization, _which makes her a "Miss." _After looking at his computer, the man said, "No, there—." A loud engine sound from outside interrupted his statement, _the airplane is landing! _"Well, that should be our airplane," the man assured.

Ruthie and her mother rushed to the large wall-sized window that showed the entire landing area outside. Sure enough, an airplane was landing. An approximately 300,000 pound plane that read _Delta Airlines _had just landed on the ground. _Hopefully it's our plane, _Ruthie prayed, _God, please it be them—if you're still listening to my prayers, that is. _

She moved closer to the window, squinting and looking for a familiar face as the passengers started to unload. "Come on, let's meet them at the door," her mother motioned her. Ruthie took one look back outside the window and saw a face she could recognize from a mile away, _Matt_. Her heart took a leap as she rushed over to the door that Matt, Sarah, Mary, Carlos, and her nieces and nephews would enter through.

A brisk wind came through the door as strangers began to file into the airport. Other families that had been lurking around in worry were being reunited with their loved ones and friends. A girl who couldn't be much older than Ruthie wrapped her arms around an elderly man, presumably her grandfather. _I bet she's not pregnant, _Ruthie moped to herself.

Moments later and several people later, Ruthie spotted two familiar faces; her eldest brother's brown semi-messy hair just above his ears stuck out. His dark brown eyes, similar to hers, turned toward her as he spotted her and started to walk toward her. Ruthie noticed the small boy with blonde locks of curls about ten months old in his arms; one of her nephews she had not met yet. Next to him was her eldest sister Mary; still tall—just about four inches shorter than Matt. Her hair was longer than the last time she had seen her at her own graduation last spring. Still, she had blonde highlights over her brown hair. Mary and Lucy always seemed to have thought that "blondes have more fun" seeing as how many times they had dyed their hair. Ruthie was the only Camden girl to have not dyed her hair blonde—well, her mother hadn't had to, being a natural blonde and all.

Mary held a small girl of eleven months in her arms. Hers and Carlos's twin girls had been born a month earlier than Matt and Sarah's boys. The little girl with wispy blonde hair was dozing leaning against her mother's shoulder.

Behind each were their respective spouses; Carlos holding a little girl who from a distance appeared identical to the one Mary was holding, and Sarah holding a little boy whom one could say the same. Next to Carlos a small boy with light brown hair and green eyes, whom had just turned three, trotted along. They all looked beat tired as they made their way through the crowd towards Ruthie and Annie.

"Mom," Matt mouthed handing Ruthie the little guy and wrapped his arms around their mother, "I can't believe he's gone."

Ruthie turned her nephew around to get a good look at his face. He reminded her of the baby pictures she had seen of Matt, when Matt was that age he had blonde hair—only not quite as curly, the curls obviously came from Sarah—and blue eyes. From the pictures, Ruthie had gathered Matt's hair hadn't turned brown until he was closer to two. A few months later, according to the pictures, his eyes started to turn too.

_I can't believe in around eight months, providing I decide to keep "it" I'm going to have a little one just like this…_, Ruthie thought, _Wait, "if" I decide to keep it—abortion? I couldn't. Could I? _She couldn't picture herself ever getting an abortion. _There's adoption too, _she reminded herself. Ruthie couldn't picture herself giving up her own flesh and blood. She would wonder where he or she ended up; she would wonder what they would become. Ruthie didn't want what happened to her mother's half-sister, Lily, to happen to her. Lily had spent her entire life not knowing anything about her real parents; then just a few years before her birth father died she finally met him. Ruthie couldn't bear going that long without knowing where her child was, and she couldn't allow her child to go that long without knowing her mother.

"Me either," their mother busted into tears, "I'm so glad you guys are here, I just wish this wasn't why." Matt's eyes were swelled up as he was holding back tears. Ruthie tried to remember a time when she had seen her brother cry, she couldn't remember. Lucy was the family member who was always _crying_. Of course, Mary had faked a cry to get her driver's license. She didn't think she had ever seen Matt cry. _There has to be a first time for everything_, Ruthie sighed.

Mary handed her daughter to Carlos, who now held two slumbering babies and joined Matt in the hug-a-thon. "Mom, we're glad to be here with you during this time, if you need anything from any of us just ask."

Their mother didn't respond, tears were rolling uncontrollably and finally Matt let go and said, "I'll go get our luggage, how are we getting home, by the way? We can't all fit in the van."

"That's why I brought Ruthie," she choked, "she drove the car separately, I figured we could split up between cars."

"Ah, great idea, Kevin and Lucy are home with the boys, right?" Matt asked in a concerned, mature, fatherly tone. He had grown up so much over the course of the last ten years, everyone who knew him then and now saw it. Here Matt had gone from a little punk teenager, to a man—a real man, who had become a doctor and a father.

"Yes, Dr. Camden, they are—I haven't lost my mind to the point I would leave my eight year old sons home alone, Kevin, Lucy, and Savannah are all at the house waiting for you all to arrive," their mother informed.

"What about Simon?" Mary asked, "Did he call?" Matt gave Mary _the look_ as if she wasn't supposed to say anything. _Crap, he better not have some heart-killing excuse as to why he can't make it in, that better not be what he was calling for, _Ruthie thought, biting her tongue. She had hung up on him and he had something to tell them; great.

"Well, he did, but Ruthie said he didn't say anything about making it in tonight," her mother turned toward her, "Ruthie, you're sure he didn't mention anything about coming in tonight?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm sure," Ruthie nodded. _I didn't give him the chance._

"Well, why don't you all go out to the car?" Matt pushed them all away, "Carlos and I will go get the luggage and meet you all out there in moments." Carlos handed the girl Mary had handed him back to her and the other one to her grandmother.

"Hey baby girl, it's Gramma, remember me?" Annie cooed to the little one who had begun to stir awake in her arms. The baby began crying.

"Come on," Ruthie shifted the little boy to her left arm and reached her right arm out to Charlie, who took her hand timidly, "Let's go to the car."

She led them all out to the parking lot and to the two Camden vehicles. "So, how are we going to go about this?" Sarah inquired shifting the little guy from her left arm to her right arm.

"Well, we probably should take all four of the babies in the van," Annie suggested, "Ruthie could come along in the van and sit back in the back with them in between the seats—one of you guys could ride in the front with me, then that would just leave three of you and Charlie in the car."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Sarah agreed, "I'm sure Matt won't mind driving his old car, then Mary and Carlos can ride with them and I'll come with you guys?"

"That sounds fine to me, how does that sound to you, Ruthie?" Ruthie was only half-paying attention, truthfully, she didn't care. Either way, she couldn't be alone with her brother. "Ruthie?"

Ruthie snapped back, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Sarah's face suddenly looked concerned, "Are you alright, Ruthie?"

"How the heck do you think I am?" Ruthie snapped, "My _father _just died." She opened the van door and sat down with the baby still sitting on her knee. They couldn't get situated until Matt and Carlos returned with the car seats for the young ones.

Sarah approached her in a slow manner with her son and softly spoke, "Ruthie, I'm sorry, I know how you feel."

"No you don't!" Ruthie cried, _she really has no idea how I feel! Her father is still alive and well, plus, she was never pregnant at seventeen._

"Okay, I've never lost a parent, but I remember when my grandmother died when I was sixteen," Sarah told her.

"I've lost two grandparents, so don't even _try _to tell me that's the same!" Ruthie snapped. Tears were rolling without control down her eyes, she couldn't handle herself. Fortunately, she looked up to see Matt and Carlos walking toward them. Somehow Matt had managed to hold five car seats in his hands all by himself, plus he had a suit case around his neck. Carlos was holding three suitcases. _They're just showing off how strong they are, _Ruthie groaned to herself, _this is not the time or the place to be showing off. _

"So, where are these car seats going?" Matt asked as Carlos took the suitcases and evened them out betwixt the two vehicles. Annie explained to her son the "plan", so Matt started placing the car seats into the van facing backwards since neither sets of twins were old enough to be placed forward.

"Jake and Noah should be in the front," insisted Sarah, "they're smaller and technically babies aren't supposed to be in the far back."

"Ruthie will sit in the back between Crissy and Jenny," her mother said, "so we'll be fine."

Ruthie was ordered to go to the back as they handed one girl back at a time to be fastened in the car seat by Ruthie. _I guess I better get used to this, _Ruthie sighed. She felt bad not being able to tell the twins apart. The girls' hair was much thinner than the boys; in fact, if Ruthie didn't know better—and the girls weren't wearing purple ribbons to match their identical matching dresses—Ruthie would have thought Matt and Sarah had the girls and Mary and Carlos had the boys. She wondered how often people would mistake Jake and Noah for girls.

Matt and Mary both had said that their respective sets of twins were fraternal, but Ruthie couldn't see how. Then again, when Sam and David were little they were difficult to tell apart. It wasn't until they were about two one could truly tell them apart. Ruthie hoped that would hold the same for these little ones, she hoped they wouldn't end up like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen—"fraternal" twins that looked identical.

"Well, looks like we're all set," her mother said. Ruthie grunted, she was squished between two eleven month old babies, she couldn't be more uncomfortable. She was surprised she could even fit.

"May I have the car keys?" Matt asked his mother.

"Oh! Ruthie has them still, Ruthie will you give your brother the car keys?" her mother insisted.

"Uh, yeah, sure, if I can find them in this scrunch," Ruthie dug through her pocket fiddling for the car keys, "Here." She handed her brother the car keys.

"Thank you, Ruthie! We'll see you at home," Matt told them giving his mother one last hug, "We'll get through this."

"Don't make be cry before I have to drive," their mother told her son.

"I can drive," Sarah volunteered.

"Oh, no, I'm fine," Annie insisted turned her head and looked back at Ruthie's grunting uncomfortable face, "Oh, Ruthie, don't look like you're in so much pain—it's only a fifteen minute drive."

_Only a fifteen minute drive, and God, I'm in so much pain I feel like I could die, _Ruthie thought, _die. _That word made her throat clog up, she thought she was going to begin crying again—for the sanity of the rest of her car mates she forced herself not to. She looked at Crissy or Jenny and then at Jenny or Crissy and cooed to them, "We're going home to where your mommy grew up, and you're gonna meet your cousin Savannah! I bet you guys will be bestest friends!" She wondered if Matt, Mary, and Lucy's children would ever get to know each other. They were all so close in age, she would think so. _My child will be close in age with theirs too, _Ruthie realized, _I wonder if they will accept him or her. _

Crissy and Jenny cooed with innocence. _They're so innocent, _Ruthie sighed, _they will never remember their grandfather, I'm lucky to have at least some memories with all of my grandparents_. Her father's parents were still alive, no parents should have to live to see a loss of a child. She hadn't heard anything from the Colonel and Grandma Ruth, whom she was named after, since her father's death. She assumed they would be coming in for the funeral. All her mother had spoken of were all of her children coming home, with no mention of her husband's parents. Ruthie found that a bit odd.

"Mom?" Ruthie decided to find out for herself, right then.

"Yeah, Ruthie?"

"I was wondering…are the Colonel and Grandma Ruth coming to the funeral tomorrow?" Ruthie asked, "I mean, I assumed they were—you just hadn't mentioned them."

"I—I—," her mother was starting to tear up again, "Yes, they are coming in tomorrow morning and planning on staying with Hank and Julie, I—I just have had a hard time talking about them because—."

"Mom, you don't have to explain, I understand," Ruthie assured. _She feels for them because she fears what it would be like to outlive one of her children, she doesn't want to imagine how they might be feeling, _Ruthie thought to herself.

They pulled in the driveway minutes later and Ruthie was anxious to get out from the back of the van. "Ruthie, if you don't mind, we're just going to take the car seats out—so once we get the boys out, you can help us get Crissy and Jenny out," Sarah told her.

Ruthie nodded in disgust, "So in other words I need to just stay put." Matt removed the boy on the left side of the car and Carlos removed the boy on the right. Finally, after what felt like forever, they folded down the seats to let the girls out, Ruthie rapidly as fast as she could unfastened the car seats and handed them out. As soon as the girls out, she dashed out of the van. _Finally, I'm free, _she thought.

Carlos and Matt, strong and mighty as they seemed to think they were, grabbed their respective twins' car seats—one in each arm—and took them inside the house. "Come on, Ruthie, the least we can do is helping them get their luggage in," her mother insisted.

Ruthie grunted and took a suitcase in the house. She saw with her peripheral vision her mother give Sarah and Mary _the look _like, _"What the hell is wrong with her? We all know this is a hard time, but why the attitude?" _

She slammed the suitcase on the floor in the entry way and started running upstairs before she was stopped by Matt, who was coming from the living room. Ruthie glanced into the living room where Kevin and Lucy sitting on the couch. All four babies were sitting still in their car seats on the ground being played with by Sam and David. Savannah seemed to be becoming acquainted with her cousins as well.

"Ruthie, hold on!" Matt called just as she was half way up the staircase. "What's going on? I know you must be taking this all very hard, but this is not the time to be distancing yourself from your family."

_If only he knew, if only I could tell him now, _Ruthie heaved to herself. She slowly began walking down the stairs, she felt tears coming to her eyes again and wondered, _will I ever quit this crying crap? _Matt grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her. Her head shifted towards his and she saw he was crying now too. "I didn't mean to make you cry, I'm sorry."

"Ruthie, you have nothing to be sorry for, this is a terrible situation for all of us," Matt told her. _But it's so much more terrible for me._

Lucy saw the Ruthie and Matt breaking down together and came from the living room to join them. She wrapped her arms around the two, tears beginning to roll down her eyes, and said, "We're going to get through this." _You two might, _Ruthie noted internally, _but I won't. _

Mary—holding Charlie, Sarah, and Annie all entered through the door coming face to face with Lucy, Matt, and Ruthie; all three of whom were still in tears. An awkward lengthy moment of silence beckoned. The silence was broke when Mary spoke up, "So, how about for a little family reunion?"

Everyone just stared at her blankly. "You're the one who hasn't been around here for over three years," growled Ruthie, "I've seen you twice in the past three years— once when I went to Puerto Rico and watched Carlos's family gawk at Charlie the entire time! And then at the graduation."

"Okay, I was just trying to lighten the mood," Mary rolled her eyes.

"Alright, alright!" their mother cried, "Cut the fighting, this is _not _the time to fight—I don't think my heart can handle anymore of it, I agree Mary's idea was a great idea; seeing as we have never had all the grandchildren together in this house—let's get them all together and get a picture!" _Mary is such the prodigal daughter, _Ruthie thought to herself. She remembered around five years ago when Mary had returned after being sent off to Buffalo after screwing up her life when she made the decision to pass out on college. Their mother had treated her like a prodigal daughter and had tried to give her the garage apartment. Matt, Lucy, and Simon all started arguing over who should obtain the privacy of the garage apartment; of course Ruthie decided to outwit them all. A punishment, they had been forced into the garage apartment—which was just dandy, until they started voting each other off like survivor. Ruthie, of course, survived the longest. Yet, she still didn't have the garage apartment even though she was the oldest Camden left _and _nobody was using the garage apartment currently. Her parents simply didn't _trust _her. Ruthie wondered where her mother planned on putting everyone while they were here.

"That's a great idea!" Sarah agreed. Mary, Carlos, and Lucy were all nodding in agreement.

"Um, don't you think we should set all the suitcases in their respective rooms first?" Ruthie suggested to her mother, "That is if you have decided where everyone is staying."

"Eh, we can worry about that later," her mom told her, "Just set all the suitcases by the staircase, you all can dispute over who gets which room later." _Right: dispute,_ Ruthie commented inside her head, _won't that be interesting?_

Mary picked up her son, "Come on guys! Let's go get these pictures!"

"I've got the camera," Carlos noted taking a camera out of his pocket, "I figured we would want to get pictures of los primos." _Primos _were cousins, Ruthie had learned that from Maria when she was here.

Kevin and Savannah had been in the living room the whole time. When they entered, Savannah was saying, "Babies!"

Kevin laughed, "Yes, Savannah, they are babies that are smaller than you." He raised his head as the rest of the family entered the room and smiled, "I don't think she's ever been so close to a baby smaller than her—more less four younger than her." Everyone, besides Ruthie, cooed.

Savannah took note to Charlie immediately as he entered the room. Charlie was about a foot taller than her, she walked over to him and said, "Hi! I Vannah Kinkirk!"

"That reminds me of Vanna White," Mary laughed, "maybe she will grow up to be on Wheel of Fortune." The whole family once again, besides Ruthie, laughed. Ruthie couldn't bring herself to laugh. She couldn't believe the rest of her family could either. Their _father _had just died and they were acting like this was just any old family reunion. _Are they mad? _Ruthie wondered.

"I'm Charles Miguel Rivera, but you call me Charlie," Charlie told his cousin.

"Charlie, Savannah is your cousin," Mary told her son.

"Cuzzy!" cried Charlie, he gave Savannah a hug.

"Awwww," the whole family started to flap.

"We really need to get our kids together more often," Lucy told her brother and sister.

"You're right," Sarah agreed, "we all really should. I grew up as an only child hardly knowing any of my cousins."

"Well, are we going to get this picture rolling or no?" Carlos sparked. Everyone started to pitch in "positioning" the little ones on the couch. Ruthie just tried to stand back out of everyone's way, she wanted to sneak out—but she didn't think she could succeed. Savannah and Charlie were both sat on the end, and they were each given one of Matt and Sarah's twins to hold onto. Mary and Carlo's twins were placed in the center of them all. "Looks like we're all set!" Carlos was looking through the lens of the camera as the phone began to ring.

"Don't worry, I have it!" Matt called as he ran to pick up the phone. "Hello?" Everyone in the house got really quiet so they didn't disrupt the phone call. "Robbie? Wow, we haven't heard from you in ages!" _Robbie! _ Ruthie had taken the liberty to look up Robbie's current number and call him. He hadn't answered when she called, so she had left a message on his answering machine. "Well that was nice of her," she heard Matt say. "That's really thoughtful of you, we're very grateful you guys will be coming. I'm sure Dad would be too." _You guys? _Ruthie wondered who he was bringing to the funeral. After a short pause, Matt said, "Bye, see you tomorrow." He hung up the phone and turned to his curious family.

"Well?" they all asked at once.

"Robbie and his wife will be flying in tomorrow to attend the funeral," Matt told them all. _His wife? _Ruthie gasped, she didn't know he had married. _Why weren't we invited to the wedding? _She looked around at her family and they all seemed to have the same reaction.

Everyone else seemed to let it pass as they went back to paying attention to the picture. Mary was busy trying to make "funny faces" so the young ones would laugh and smile for the picture.

"You know, we should get pictures of the Camden kids all grown up," Mary stated after Carlos had finished taking the picture.

"One problem, Simon isn't here," Matt pointed out. Just as he had spoken, the phone started ringing again. He laughed, "I wonder if that's Simon now." He rushed to answer the phone again, "Hello?" Pause. "Simon! Speak of the devil" … "I wonder why she did that." _I bet Simon told Matt that I hung up on him,_ Ruthie moaned … "Oh, we were just saying you aren't here, by the way, will you be making it in tonight?" … "I see." … "Alright, I'll tell Mom." … "See you then." _Well, Simon couldn't have had better timing. _

"So?" everyone in the room asked.

"Simon and Cecilia will be in tomorrow morning as well, apparently they had some business to take care of today," Matt informed them all, "so; we can get our family picture tomorrow." _How can we take a family picture without Dad? _Ruthie wondered to herself. _How can this family go on without him? It can't. Can it? _

Before Matt even had the time to cross the room and sit down again, the phone rang once more. "It's sure Grand Central Station," Matt laughed as he moved back over to the phone, "Hello? Camden residence." … "Detective Michaels, long time no talk!" _Chief Michaels now, _Ruthie corrected Matt in her head; _that shows how long he's really been away. What could Chief Michaels possibly want? Now that Kevin wasn't working on the police force and her father was gone, there was no "good" reason for him to call._ … "Oh, my bad, congratulations Chief Michaels!" … "Okay." A five minute pause occurred, during that occurrence Matt's smile curved downward. Something was wrong. She watched Matt's face turn poignant and he finally said, "I don't know how I'm going to break that kind of news to her, as if she doesn't have it bad enough now." … "I'll tell her." He hung up the phone and gaped with his innate brown eyes filled with melancholy straight into Ruthie's coal pupils.

* * *

You have to love those cliffhangers…

Reviews are very much appreciated. :]


	4. Bad News

Outside Heaven

Chapter 4

Bad News

A cumbersome silence beckoned throughout the Camden living room. Ruthie looked around and met eyes with each family member in the room, she could tell they all knew something was wrong. Finally, Sarah wracked up the nerve to say, "What's wrong, Honey?" as she moved closer to Matt holding one of their sons.

Matt closed his eyes and enunciated, "Ruthie—I need to talk to you…_alone_, can we go to the kitchen?" _So the "she" he was referring for was me, _Ruthie pondered, _great, more bad news … as if I don't have enough on my plate, I might just die if I hear anymore bad news. _

"Um, sure," Ruthie uttered slowly. She followed her brother through the hallway to the kitchen. Happy was lying on the floor, she was starting to get up there in age which had resulted in her becoming less active. When Ruthie roughed her fur a bit, she jumped up and started following Matt and her into the kitchen; she still had some puppy left in her when she felt like it.

The kitchen was quiet, with almost an eerie feeling to it. Mom had not cooked in days; the entire family had lacked an appetite since receiving the bad news. Mostly, they had been living on cold sandwiches and cereal. Ruthie glanced over the kitchen clock, which read: _"7:30." _ _Hmm, T-Bone is due to return any minute, _Ruthie realized, _hopefully this has nothing to do with him—it can't? Can it? He was riding in a school van to the college visit supervised by the school's guidance counselor along with five other students, surely everything is fine. _Ruthie tried to think of alternate possibilities, but regardless, she kept coming back to T-Bone. _Who else do I care about so heart-filled? _Ruthie wondered. There were a lot of people she cared about, but none that Matt would personally pull her aside to tell about.

She gazed into Matt's sulking oval brown eyes waiting for him to break the news to her. For moments they just stood their in awkward silence. Her heart started to thud unevenly as her nerves kicked in. Finally Matt spoke, "Ruthie, I don't know how to tell you…"

"Well," Ruthie sighed, "you might as well get it over with; whatever it is—you told Chief Michaels you would tell me, so tell me." _What could be worse than Dad dying? If I can get through his death and be pregnant, I can get through anything, _Ruthie told herself.

"Ruthie," Matt said slowly, "there has been an accident just about fifteen minutes out of town … a semi-truck collided with a van." _Who do I know that drives a van? _Ruthie wondered, _no, it can't be T-Bone, a semi did not collide with a school van—no, it just can't be_.

"Okay," Ruthie responded slowly, her throat was beginning to roll up in knots; her gut was telling her what she didn't want to hear. "Who do I know involved?"

"Ruthie, I'm so sorry … it was the school van that took T-Bone and the other students up to the college, they were on their way back to the school," Matt told her breathlessly. Her heart went crunch, _No! It can't be!_ Tears began to run down her face and her throat filled with moisture. Matt then continued, "Chief Michaels didn't know the conditions of any of the passengers—but, Ruthie, as much as I hate to say it: think about it, a semi truck colliding with a van." _No! _Ruthie demanded internally, _I won't think about it! _

"No!" Ruthie cried, "He can still be okay, you don't know that, you can't assume that! Take me to the hospital, I need to see him!"

"Ruthie," Matt's voice soothed her ear as he put his arm around her, "Even if he survived, he's in critical condition—do you really want to see T-Bone _like _that, wouldn't you rather remember him the way you last saw him?" _The way you last saw him, _Matt was implying that T-Bone was going to die. _He can't! _Ruthie cried to herself, _He can't leave me to be a single mother._

Ruthie pushed him away, "I need to see him, so either you or someone in this house drives me or I'll drive myself."

"Ruthie! Think rationally!" Matt cried. "One, you're not in any condition to drive and I won't drive you, and I'm pretty sure nobody else in this family will."

"I _need _to see him!" Ruthie begged. She turned around to see Mary, Lucy, and her mother standing there _spying_. Obviously, her father's death hadn't changed the Camden family's prying tradition.

"Oh Ruthie," her mother spoke moving towards her reaching her arms out for her, "I'm so sorry."

Ruthie jerked away, "What don't you people understand about a _private _conversation? If Matt wanted the whole family to know he would have told me in the living room in front of everyone!" She looked at Matt looking for support, but he said nothing. She looked down the hall way to see Sarah holding one of the boys.

"I told them not to pry," Sarah sighed, "I was only coming to the kitchen because the kids are starting to get hungry."

"Right," Ruthie rolled her eyes. She flew out of the kitchen, down the hallway, past Carlos and Kevin who had the rest of the kids, and sprung up the stairs. She raced up to the attic and flung herself on her bed, stuffing her face into her pillow. _I can't do this, _Ruthie sobbed; _my life can't get any worse, can it? _She started to contemplate ways how her life could get worse, but she couldn't come up with any. All she wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and die, which was what she was thinking about when she heard a knock on the wall outside of her attic room. "Go away!" she yelled.

"Ruthie…," her sister-in-law's voice trailed, "Please, let me talk to you." Ruthie slowly sat straight up on her bed, crossing her legs. She looked down at her hands—they were covered in eyeliner. _I knew I shouldn't have applied make-up today, _she sighed. She realized her eyes were not only burning now from tears, but from make up smudged all over her face and into her eyes.

"Fine," Ruthie gulped. _She has nothing to say to me, _she sighed; _she knows nothing. She can't possibly understand._

"First off," Sarah started, "you were right, I don't know what you're feeling; I've never been in your position before." Ruthie didn't say anything; she just stared into Sarah's dark brown sincere eyes. She sat down on the bed next to Ruthie and said, "Ruthie, you're so lucky to have a family that cares so much for you, to have so many brothers and sisters that are there for you. I never realized how much I was missing out on growing up as an only child; I don't know if I've ever told you this, but: ever since we first met, you have been like the little sister I used to dream of having when I was a kid, I remember sitting around daydreaming about having a sister to share secrets with and just talk to; and I think we've shared some secrets over the last five years or so." _What is she getting at? _Ruthie wondered, _she can't know … can she? _

"Anyway," Sarah continued, "growing up all I had was my parents, and I think we both know you can't tell your parents _everything_, I envy you sometimes. You have so many people you can go to outside of your mom; you have Matt and me, Mary and Carlos, Lucy and Kevin, Simon and Cecilia, and even Sam and David—we all care about you so much; plus you have your grandparents and aunt and uncle." _Those people are not all there for me_, Ruthie sighed.

"I wouldn't say you all have been there for me; you and Matt have been in New York for the last five years; Mary hasn't been there for me in a very long time—I can't even recall the last time she was there for me, Carlos is a nice guy and I think he's good for Mary—but I hardly know him because he and Mary are hardly around even though I see him more than Mary herself, which is sad; Simon ditched me when he started dating, I like Cecilia, but sometimes I think Mom likes her more than me; and Sam and David are too innocent and young to understand my problems," Ruthie told her, "I don't know what I'm going to do with myself if T-Bone is gone."

"You'll survive no matter what, you're strong—you and I both know that," Sarah assured with a smile and patted Ruthie on the back, "and…well, Matt doesn't want me to say anything; any chance I can share a little secret with you?"

"Yeah, sure, when have I failed you before?" Ruthie asked. _Without asking, that is. _

"Well … Matt and I have been granted internship transfers … we're moving back to Glen Oak!" Sarah exclaimed in a whisper. "Don't tell anyone, Matt wants to surprise everyone, but he wants to wait until the funeral is over."

"That's … great!" Ruthie was ecstatic. _That means I can hold off telling them a little longer … at least a couple weeks, there's no rush …_ "Any chance Mary and Carlos are moving back?"

"Not that I'm aware of, but you never know," Sarah told her.

"Wait, do you guys have a house?" Ruthie asked. For the time being, her attention had focused over to Matt and Sarah's homecoming, she had almost completely forgotten about the accident.

"Well—we were hoping to escape at some point this week and look," Sarah gritted her teeth, "as soon as we close on a house we plan on flying back to New York one last time and packing up the rest of our stuff."

"Ah—." Ruthie's train of thought was cut off when the phone started ringing. She felt her heart leap a mile as she grabbed Sarah's hand. "Do you think?" Sarah shrugged as the phone quit ringing. _Someone picked up from downstairs_. Ruthie slowly reached for the phone to listen in.

"I'm so sorry. I hate to be the one to break this news. I know Ruthie will be devastated—." That was all of Chief Michael's voice she needed to hear before she hung up and she started crying uncontrollably and fell into Sarah's arms. _I'm not going to get through this, _Ruthie's thoughts raced, _I'm nothing without T-Bone. He was my life. God, why: first my father, now the love of my life? Who's next? God, please don't let anyone suffer because of my stupid mistake. _

She laid there for moments in silence until she heard footsteps. Looking up, she saw her mother, Matt, Mary, Carlos, Lucy, and Kevin all standing at the door leading into her attic room. "_Who's with the children?" _was Ruthie's first thought; it wasn't like her mother to leave the young ones unattended.

"Ruthie," Matt said, "we're so sorry, but—."

"—I know, I heard Chief Michaels on the phone," Ruthie cut in. She rubbed the tears off of face, which imprinted more eyeliner on her hand. Lucy grabbed the box of Kleenexes sitting by her dresser and handed her. She sat down on the bed on the other side of her, wrapped her arm around Ruthie, and gave her a big heart-filled hug.

"Who's down with the kids?" Sarah questioned Ruthie's thoughts. _Is she a mind reader or what? _

"We completely forgot!" her mother cried.

"I think everyone was so concerned about Ruthie we forgot about the little—." Kevin started, but was interrupted by a large _"Bam!" _from downstairs.

"Uh-oh!" they all screamed and everyone, including Ruthie, made it down two flights of stairs. Ruthie's heart was racing, she felt like she was having an anxiety attack as she ran down the stairs feeling nauseous.

When they entered the living room they found the telephone had been knocked off the hook. Sam and David were standing there trying to put it back together. "It was an accident!" Sam cried.

Charlie and Savannah were sitting on their knees quietly seeming to being wearing "innocent" faces, which meant they weren't entirely innocent. The two sets of twins were lying on their bellies in a semi circle on the other side of the room unharmed. A sigh of relief came from all of the parents when they saw none of the children had been injured.

"We didn't mean to," David added.

"It's alright boys, but what happened?" their mother asked.

"Savannah and Charlie were running around and ran into the table and knocked the phone off the hook," the boys said at the same time. "We tried to stop them, we're sorry."

"I guess we can just be fortunate nobody got hurt," Carlos smiled.

"Exactly, the table could have fell over and hit one of the babies in the head," Mary said then directed her attention to Charlie, "Charlie, what have we told you about running in the house?"

"I sorry," Charlie spoke naively.

Suddenly, Ruthie was beginning to feel very woozy and dizzy. Her head began to spin and the room seemed to be going around in circles. She found herself struggling to stand up. She felt flimsy and languid as she could no longer control her train of thought as the room became very blurry. Matt noticed immediately that something was wrong, "Ruthie, are you alright? You look like you're about to—." The world went pitch black as she fell to the cold ground in infirmity.

* * *

Yeah, the T-Bone situation was a little predictable, hey—I had to get rid of him; plus it adds to the plot. :]

_Preview: _Old faces return plus a few surprises …

Please review:]


	5. Rationality

Outside Heaven

Chapter 5

Rational

Chills swept throughout her body as she came back to consciousness. She could feel someone dabbing a wash cloth on her lips and a soft object, presumably a few pillows, underneath her legs that elevated them. Her eyes remained shut as she listened to the whispers coming from the room.

"I hope she's okay," Lucy was saying.

"I'm sure she will be, she just found out her boyfriend is dead!" Mary exclaimed. "I might faint too if I received such news on top of my father's death."

"I don't know … something tells me there's something more to this than her being upset …" Kevin contradicted. _He better had not have snooped in the garbage can._

"I think Kevin's right," Sarah agreed, "Something is up with Ruthie … and I think it's something more than her being depressed."

"I think you guys are mad! What else could it possibly be? I think it's pretty blatantly obvious that she's depressed, agitated, and upset that she's lost her boyfriend and father all in one week," Lucy argued and added, "if I had just received news like she just did on top of my father's death I would faint too!" _I love you Lucy, _Ruthie thought to herself.

"I think I have a theory," Sarah murmured. _She knows, or she thinks she knows._

"Well, do share!" Lucy demanded.

"Shh, guys, I think she's coming to," Ruthie could hear Matt's whisper right by her side. She felt him pat a damp wash cloth on her forehead, "Ruthie, are you there?" Slowly, she decided to open her eyes; her surroundings were blurry but gradually they came back into focus. Her eyes met with her brother's, who was kneeling right above her. "There you are." Matt was smiling kindly down at her. She didn't say anything; her throat ached with a burning sensation and her stomach rumbled demanding food—it came to her realization she had not eaten since noon.

"W-What time is it?" Ruthie whispered. _How long was I knocked out? _

"Just after nine," Matt told her, "you were only out about fifteen minutes … are you okay?"

"I'm…fine, as fine as I can be for having just _fainted_," Ruthie rolled her eyes and demanded, "Help me up." She needed to get back on her feet; she couldn't stand lying on the uncomfortable cold floor anymore. _They should have moved me to the couch, oh, that's right—you're not supposed to move a person who's unconscious. _She had never been unconscious before—other than for sleep; it felt like she had just lost fifteen minutes of her life—fifteen minutes she would never get back—fifteen minutes she didn't even know where they had ended up. Matt grabbed her hand and helped her over to the couch.

She saw her mother enter the room with a glass of water and a piece of bread, she knelt down and handed her it. "Here, you need to eat." The bread was layered in strawberry jam, normally she loved strawberry jam – but this just smelt wrong; the smell of the jam made her feel nauseous again. Still, she was starving, so she forced herself to choke down the bread. Afterward, she chugged the water washing away the taste of the jam.

Ruthie could feel the eyeballs of everyone in the room staring at her. Even Savannah and Charlie were gawking. She didn't like it one bit, all she wanted was to be left alone. _I'm not explaining_, _not now, _Ruthie told herself, _I shouldn't have to._ Finally Lucy suggested, "We should all let Ruthie have her space, besides isn't it time we get the kids in bed? It's getting late and we all have a _long_, very long, day ahead of us."

Ruthie stood up, "I'm just going to go to bed anyway."

Matt intervened, "I'm not sure if that's such a great idea, you just became conscious again after passing out—I think you should remain under supervision for at least a little bit longer."

"Thanks Doc for your concern, but I'm a big girl," Ruthie rolled her eyes and broke away before anyone could stop her and began racing up the stairs. Quickly, she brushed her teeth and made her way up to the attic in a rush of angst trying to avoid running into any family member of any kind.

After changing into her pajamas, Ruthie flopped herself on her bed. She closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep, but failed. From the level below, she could hear voices. They seemed to be arguing over who would sleep where.

"There is _no _way that Carlos, me, and three kids are sleeping in your old room that is now Simon's old room!" Mary cried, "Why can't we take that room and our kids take Simon and Ruthie's old room; that was then Ruthie's room, but then became the twins' room—you, Sarah, and the twins can take the garage apartment."

"Wait. Hold on, the garage apartment isn't big enough for the four us!" Matt cried. "Let's just be fair and each take a room in the house and share it with our kids."

"How is that fair? I have one more kid than you."

"I have an idea," Sarah spoke rationally, "How about Charlie shares the room with Sam and David and then we're even."

"That's a great idea," Matt agreed, "I'm lucky to have such a smart wife … I don't know what I would do without her."

Ruthie closed her eyes trying to tune out the noise from the downstairs. She thought about how fortunate her siblings were to have married spouses that were so much more _rational _than their family. Rationality seemed to be lacking within their family genes. Ruthie had always _thought _she was the most rational of them all, that was until she hit puberty—and now she looked at herself and realized she was officially worse off than any of them had ever been. She had watched Mary and Simon screw up more than once over their teen years; one would have thought she would have had the sense to not screw up like they did. She thought she had more sense than they did. Where did she go wrong? Oh, right: _sex_. She remembered a conversation she had with her father her sophomore year of high school regarding her sexuality that seemed to be the "stepping stones" for her sexual future.

_ She had been angry with her father the past few days because she thought he had "scared" away this guy—Jack—that was two years older than her. He had told her he did not want to date her because he didn't want to upset her father. They had been discussing Simon and his current girlfriend, Rose—whom nobody liked in the family at the time. She had told her father that she hoped Simon and Rose did break up because she didn't think Simon was happy and her father agreed. Ruthie had suggested that her father just tell him he can't date her anymore—of course, her father had brought up the fact that Simon had almost been twenty-one years old and had a job, scholarship, and would be living on his own. Ruthie had said, "Yet he continues to make one bad decision after another."_

_ Her father had responded, "Perhaps that's because he doesn't respect my opinion or ask for advice."_

_ Ruthie came out and said, "Well, I'd like to ask you advice on something." _

_ Her father had seemed surprised and asked, "Oh?"_

_ Ruthie, still upset about her father's interfering with her "dating" life had asked him, "If you were sixteen…"_

_ "…Almost sixteen," her father had corrected._

_ "Almost sixteen," Ruthie clarified, "And you had the opportunity to date one of the most popular students in school and your dad messed that up for you, would you just say: 'Hey, thanks, I guess you know best' or would you be angry and say you weren't going to give your father another chance to mess up something that meant so much to you a second time."_

_ Her father, of course, had said, "I'd go with the first; I'd say 'Thanks Dad, you know best and you always will because you're older and wiser than I am' that's a very good way to go." Ruthie had given him a stern, annoyed look until he said, "Alright I'm kidding, sort of, look, Ruthie… maybe, just maybe, I'm not comfortable with your going out with an older guy like Jack…well, Jack, because I'm not comfortable with the fact you're becoming quite…uh…uhh…I don't know how to say this, it's very awkward for any dad to say to his daughter: the way you're looking and acting and dancing is like one might call sexy, and 'sexy' means to me that one is ready to have sex, and you're not ready to have sex, even if you're thinking about it a lot—I don't know, it just seems you would be less tempted to explore your sexuality if you were out with a guy your own age who shares your own age and shares your own interests."_

_ "So you think that guys think, you know, that I look sexy…I mean real guys, guys in high school…you think they think that I look like that?" Ruthie was shocked, overwhelmed, and excited that her father had actually said that._

_ "Yeah, I do," her father had responded._

_ "Wow! Thanks! I had no idea, I mean, I feel sexy… I didn't know I actually looked sexy, I mean I'm trying, but I didn't know I was actually there, I actually thought guys were interested in me because I'm friendly and fun to be with. This is great!" then she added to reassure her father, "Not saying I'm ready to have sex or anything, or that I would or anything, but it's nice to know that you think guys would want to have sex with me—but it's nice to know that you think guys would want to have sex with me. Bye!" _

She had been so…stupid. Why had she been so focused on being "sexy" or wanting guys to want to have sex with them? She was only _asking _for trouble. She wished now that her father had took a hint, locked her up, and forbid her from seeing any guy after that conversation. However, she didn't know then what she knew now, so she would have snuck out, she would have found a way around her father, and who knows, she may have even had sex even sooner. She shuttered at the thought of that. If only her father were here now to give her advice, she realized what it meant now to "not appreciate what you have until it's gone." All of her life she had taken her father's strict advice and rules for granted, now that he wasn't here to give her advice she felt empty.

At some point that night she must have fallen asleep. She didn't know when, but the next thing she could remember was the sun shining in on her face and a woozy feeling overcoming her body, _morning sickness. _She hadn't dreamt that night past, and even if she had she couldn't remember it. Solid blackness had drifted her sleep pattern the night before; all she had lost was hours of thought—which she was thankful for. She appreciated every second she didn't have to think; thought could be so brutal at times.

She glanced at the clock to see it was six in the morning; it wouldn't be long before the rest of the house would be waking. Suddenly, she felt it coming—she was going to vomit. Ruthie sprung out of bed and ran down the stairs into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. Up it came. She barely made it to the toilet. _Hopefully nobody hears me, _Ruthie sighed, just as she thought she was done she felt it coming on again and turned around for a second round. _There, it's done, _she flushed the toilet and grabbed her tooth brush to brush the vomit-reeking smell out of her mouth. Just to be safe, she grabbed some Febreeze and sprayed the bathroom to erase any vomit-odor. She was hungry, starving matter of fact. That bread and jam had not been enough to fill her up, she had this absurd craving for Cheerios, syrup, and grapefruit mixed. She didn't even _like _grapefruit, and syrup on Cheerios sounded…_interesting_; she couldn't help herself—it had to be the baby's doing.

When she opened the door she came face to face with her sister-in-law. Sarah appeared to have been standing out the door. _"How long as she been out here?" _Ruthie wondered. "Um, good morning, Sarah," Ruthie smiled innocently, "what brings you up so early?"

"Oh, I've been up since four with Jake and Noah because Matt is a heavy sleeper, they just aren't taking too well to sleeping away from their cribs—I heard you come down," she stated, then questioned, "You weren't throwing up, were you?"

Ruthie's eyes went wide open, _crap, _"No… what gives you that kind of crazy idea?"

"Oh, I just thought I heard you throwing up…"

"…Well, you must have imagined it," Ruthie smiled, "anyway, I'm starving, so I'm going to go downstairs and grab some cereal…seeing as I barely ate last night, see you."

"Wait," Sarah grabbed her shoulder, "there isn't anything you want to tell me, is there?" _Not now, not until after the funeral_.

"Nope," Ruthie responded and dashed down the stairs before Sarah could question her any further. She rushed into the kitchen and found herself standing in the same spot she had been last night when Matt had told her about the accident.

Memories of despair filled her mind. She had almost forgotten that T-Bone was gone. Standing in that spot, right in front of the refrigerator, brought all the memories back. _He's gone. I loved him. _She closed her eyes and began to feel faint again. Quickly, she grabbed a glass out of the cupboard and filled it with water and chugged it down. Water seemed to cleanse all her feelings away.

Still starving, she grabbed a bowl and fiddled in the cupboard for Cheerios. She had to stand on her tippy-toes to see the back of the cupboard. _Wonderful, the Cheerios are at the far back. _She found herself climbing on the counter to reach the back of the cupboard. As she reached, she felt somebody behind her causing her to flinch and fall off the counter. "Ouch!" she cried, she had cut her arm on the edge of the wood and could feel it bleeding. She looked up to see Kevin standing looking down at her; she demanded, "What are you doing here this early?"

"Lucy wanted a pickle, and we're out of pickles," Kevin told her, "What are you doing on the counter?" _Hmm, a pickle might taste good with Cheerios too, _Ruthie thought.

"Trying to grab some Cheerios, I was hungry since all I had was bread and jam for dinner," Ruthie told her brother-in-law and added, "I'm too short to reach the back of the counter."

Kevin laughed and reached for the Cheerios and handed her the box, "Here you go."

"Thanks," she smiled weakly and grabbed a bowl to started pouring the cereal into it. Kevin took the big jar of Dill pickles out of the refrigerator and wrapped a pickle in a paper towel, shortly after he disappeared. As soon as he was gone Ruthie raced to the refrigerator to grab some syrup and decided to have a pickle for herself. She began scoping the room for grapefruits, but they didn't have any. _Oh well, a pickle will be an alright substitute…they're both "juicy", _she decided as she started to mix the Cheerios, syrup, and chopped up pickle together. Finally, after her breakfast was perfect, she sat down at the kitchen table to enjoy.

Just as she sat down, Matt and Sarah—each holding a boy—entered the dining room. "We thought we would come join you for breakfast," Sarah smiled.

"What are you eating?" Matt took note to her bowl, then stood above her looking into her food and said in disgust, "Cheerios, pickles, and … is that _syrup_?"

"Yeah…" Ruthie trailed, "What's wrong with that?"

"Oh…nothing…just an interesting combination, that's all," Matt smiled, "Don't reckon I've heard of it before." He turned to his wife and asked her, "Have you?"

Sarah shook her head, "No, I've never heard of it—maybe we should try it, seeing as meat and dairy are not involved it should not be against my religion." Ruthie rolled her eyes and suddenly her appetite seemed to evaporate. Matt still had not converted to Judaism. She remembered when Matt married Sarah he had planned on converting right then and there at their wedding, their father had fretted. In the end, Matt had decided to postpone converting. She had overheard Matt and her father talking; Matt had said he planned on converting someday and her father had told him he wanted to be there when Matt did. _Does that mean Matt will never convert? _Ruthie wondered.

"Eh, I think I'll just stick to regular Cheerios," Matt indicated and turned to the son he was holding in his arms and changed his tone to a baby voice, "How do Cheerios sound to you, Jake?" The little boy giggled at the word _Cheerios_. Turning to his wife, he said, "I'll go pour us some Cheerios, I doubt Mom plans on cooking breakfast today … it's going to be a rough day for us all." He handed Sarah the boy, who turned out to be Jacob, and headed toward the kitchen island.

"Here, I'll take him," Ruthie volunteered, "I think Mom got rid of all the high chairs…"

"Aren't you going to finish your…err…_breakfast_?" Sarah asked her.

Ruthie shook her head, "It isn't as great as I thought it would taste" then added, "I think I'll just stick to regular Cheerios from now on." Sarah laughed at her and handed her Jacob. Not long after, Matt returned with two small bowls of Cheerios.

"I'll take him from here," Matt took Jacob from Ruthie's arms. "Are you sure you don't want some plain Cheerios? You've barely touched your…Cheerio casserole."

"No, I'm fine, I think I'm just going to go back upstairs, I'm not hungry anymore," Ruthie smiled. She saw Sarah and Matt meet eyes. _I wonder if Sarah told Matt what I think she thinks, _Ruthie wondered.

She found herself back in the attic. The funeral was scheduled to start at one. They had figured that would give all the people coming from out of town on that day time to get there. Ruthie didn't know who all was coming; obviously Simon, her grandparents, and Robbie along with his mystery wife were all coming in today. She figured Martin and Sandy would drive up. _Martin, _she thought_, I don't know if I can bear to see him…_ _T-Bone's gone… no, I can't… he has a son, he should be with Sandy. _Then she realized something, _I'm going to have a child… who won't have a father… maybe… maybe… no, I can't…_ She felt so evil for thinking like that; she couldn't just tear Martin away from Sandy. _But he said he loved me, he doesn't love Sandy, _Ruthie noted_, I wonder if he still loves me…_ She didn't deserve Martin, not after how she had treated him when he came back for her, but he was too late—she was in love with T-Bone. Now T-Bone was gone. She was so overwhelmed and confused.

Ruthie lied on her bed and found herself dozing off. When she woke, it was almost nine, which meant the rest of the family would be up and about. She went over to the attic window to see if any visitors had parked their cars outside. Ruthie could assume Simon and Cecilia would come to the house first; also her aunt and grandparents should as well.

Her eyes closed and she imagined herself at the funeral. She saw herself walking toward her father's open casket. Friends, family, and strangers whose lives had all been touched by her father would be gathering around saying their final goodbyes Reverend Eric Camden. Ruthie looked down at her father; colorless and motionless. Tears started to roll down her eyes again and she realized: _I can't do this. I can't go to the funeral. _

_

* * *

_

Credits:

Eric/Ruthie flashback: Season 10, Episode 3 _– Mama's Gonna Buy You a Diamond Ring_

_Note: _I originally planned on having old characters return this chapter, but I'm going to hold that off…they will next chapter for sure.


	6. Uncertainty

Outside Heaven

Chapter 6

Uncertainty

_I can't. I can't go to the funeral, _Ruthie's thoughts trailed in ambivalence. She couldn't bear seeing her father's soulless body. _Thinking _about her father no longer being with her was one thing, but actually _seeing _that he was no longer alive was another. If she didn't go to the funeral she could just go on accepting that he was on a long trip or just at work. By going to the funeral she realized it _would _hit her that he was _really _gone and never coming back. Seeing her father's lifeless body would suck the life right out of her too.

She glanced back out to the window and saw her aunt's new SUV; that meant her grandparents' were here. _Maybe if I just stay up here all day they'll forget about me, _Ruthie thought, even know she knew that wishful thinking was too good to be true. Somebody would find her up here, they would make her come downstairs, and try to talk her into going to the funeral. _I can't. I won't, _Ruthie decided.

It was all too soon when she heard her sister Lucy call from the level below, "Ruthie! Get down here, Grandma and the Colonel have arrived!" _Ugh, I know, _Ruthie sighed. She realized she didn't have a choice; it was either: go downstairs or stay up here and wait for someone to drag her down. She figured it would be less painful to go downstairs now. Slowly, she made her way down the stairs. She came face to face with Lucy, already dressed all in black. Ruthie took note to Lucy's small bump; she was really beginning to show. _Soon I'll be showing like that, _Ruthie sighed. Lucy was wearing hardly any makeup at all, Ruthie figured that was a good thing, after all, she would be bawling soon. Ruthie still hadn't changed out of her pajamas and Lucy took note to that immediately, "Ruthie! Why haven't you changed? Go upstairs now and put on some clothes! We have to be to the church in an hour. People will be arriving!"

Ruthie rolled her eyes in pity, "Whatever." It would buy her some time. She wasn't going to put on a dress, though. In fact, she wasn't even going to dress up. She would simply put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. _I'm not going to this funeral; I can't. I won't. They can't make me...can they? _

She picked out her favorite pair of jeans and slipped them on; all went was well until she went to button them. _Shit, they're tight._ They buttoned, but they were uncomfortable. _Crap, _she thought_, this is too soon for my jeans to become too tight. _She grabbed one of her baggiest T-shirts to cover up her tight jeans.

"Ruthie?" Lucy was still at the bottom of the stairs. "I hope you didn't think that I was just going to let you get away with coming down to see the Colonel and Grandma."

"I didn't… I'm coming!" Ruthie called as she made her way down the stairs. She stood face to face with her older sister.

"Come on, I think I heard somebody else down there besides Aunt Julie, the Colonel, and Grandma," Lucy told her.

"What do you mean? You haven't seen them yet?" Ruthie questioned.

"No, when they pulled in the driveway Mom told me to come and get you—and to be all honest, I didn't want to exactly be there when Mom came face to face with Dad's family for the first time since… you know," Lucy told her. _She can't even admit Dad's dead, _Ruthie noted. Ruthie didn't see how Lucy could give this funeral when she couldn't even articulate the words "Dad died."

The sisters made their way down into the living room. Mom, Grandma Ruth, and the Colonel were all sitting on the couch. Across from them there he was. He was slightly aged now that he was in his mid-twenties, but his coal black eyes and hair still remained the same as they had been three and a half years ago when she last saw him. Next to Robbie sat a brown haired, brown eyed _very _pregnant woman. Ruthie had only seen her once before—when Lucy first started seeing Kevin—but she knew it was Patty Mary, Kevin's sister.

"Ruthie!" Robbie cried when he saw her, he jumped up and headed over to her and gave her a hug. "You've grown so much! I can't believe it's actually you, Snooky." _Snooky, _Ruthie thought, _his pet nickname for me—I remember when he first gave me the nickname. _

_ She had grabbed a dining room chair and was using it to elevate herself to the kitchen cupboard to sneak cookies, then all of a sudden Robbie had jumped in the room and shot at her, "Ah-hah! I knew you were the one sneaking my cookies!"_

_ Ruthie inquired, "Did you know you were bad at hiding your cookies?"_

_ "No, but who knew you could get up there with a broken finger, you would think an injury would slow you down," Robbie had pointed out. _

_ Ruthie admitted, "You'd think," then continued, "but I can't help myself, I love a challenge."_

_ "You love to sneak cookies!" Robbie noted, and then told her, "I think I'm going to call you Snooky from now on."_

_ Ruthie, all excited, said, "Really! I've never had a nickname, even though I wasn't sneaking any cookies!"_

_ Then, Lucy had entered the room and asked, "What's going on?"_

_ Robbie had told Lucy, "Just ask Snooky."_

_ "Who's Snooky?" Lucy asked questionably._

_ "I am!" Ruthie exclaimed, "It means sneaking cookies, it's a nickname, I always wanted a nickname!"_

_ Lucy, flirtatiously towards Robbie, said, "I always wanted a nickname too."_

_ Robbie told her, "Well I can't just pull a nickname out of thin air. It has to come to me."_

Ruthie had always felt she was special to Robbie. When she was little she had this major crush on him, in fact, he was her _first _crush. Robbie Palmer was one man all the Camden sisters had crushed on or dated at one time. Now, he was married to her brother-in-law's _sister_ and she was pregnant with his baby, Ruthie was shocked. Now she seemed to understand why they hadn't been invited to the wedding—Kevin wasn't exactly fond of Robbie, Ruthie remembered when he found out that Lucy and Robbie "dated." It was one of the first and only times Ruthie recalled Kevin being _jealous_.

"Wait a minute," Lucy said looking at Patty Mary, "You and Patty Mary…are…_married_…How did you two meet? Why weren't we invited to the wedding?"

"Actually, funny story," Robbie laughed, "I was on my way back to Glen Oak to surprise you at your wedding…then my flight got delayed, and I met Patty Mary at the airport…she said she was on the way to her brother's wedding…of course, at the time, I didn't know that Kevin was her brother—I found that out later."

"And we did invite you to the wedding!" Patty Mary insisted. "Our wedding was when you were on bed rest with Savannah, but it wasn't that big of a wedding…just our families."

"And Kevin didn't tell me," Lucy growled. _Oh he's in big trouble, _Ruthie smiled egoistically. Lucy then inquired, "So what does that make you to me, Robbie…my brother-in-law?"

"Well, Kevin is my brother-in-law," Robbie said, "and…our daughters will be cousins."

"So you're having a girl! That's great," Annie spoke up, before she seemed to have been in another universe lost in thoughts. She added, "I'm sure you will make a wonderful father, Robbie."

"I hope so," Robbie murmured, "I want to be a better father than my father was to me." He put his arm around Patty Mary.

Her mother finally took a look at Ruthie and cried, "Why aren't you _dressed up_!" she turned to Lucy and cried, "You let her downstairs looking like that!"

"I made her change out of her pajamas," Lucy told her, "now if you'll excuse me, I have a husband to chew out and … yeah." _"A funeral to prepare for," _Ruthie added on in her head. She couldn't even admit this was a _funeral _she was giving; not just any funeral—her _father's _funeral. Lucy was in denial, she wanted to act like this was just any Sunday sermon, but it wasn't.

The Colonel stood up and said, "Well, Ruthie, you sure have grown up since I last saw you." He looked so elderly and feeble compared to when she had last seen him a little over a year ago. She never had once pictured her grandfather as "old" and she never thought he would become _weak_. Here he was standing in front of her, he looked like a different man to her—he almost didn't look like the _Colonel_. Then again, she never thought her father would die. Growing up, she never imagined her life without her father—now here she was, fatherless.

"I guess I have," Ruthie said.

"Ruthie is going to go upstairs and get dressed for the funeral," her mother spoke wryly.

"Um, about that," Ruthie started, "I don't think I'm going to the funeral."

"What!" her mother gasped, "Yes, you are! Everyone in this family is going; no ifs, ands, or buts…this is your _father's funeral _we're talking about!"

"I'm sorry!" Ruthie cried, "I can't go! I just can't!"

She started running toward the staircase, but before she could get there she heard a knock on the door. _Simon? _Ruthie quickly grabbed the handle and opened the door. There stood her tall, almond-faced older brother—he happened to be her closest in age sibling. He stood with his arm around his beautiful golden-haired wife who was wearing a black silky dress. Cecilia seemed to have gained a little weight since Ruthie last saw her. _Hopefully she isn't pregnant too, _Ruthie thought, _there are already one too many pregnant women in this house_.

"Simon!" their mother cried behind them. She came from the living room and wrapped her arms around Simon, and then Cecilia. "You look lovely, Cecilia." Ruthie stared at her brother; his eyes were blood-shot red as if he had been crying the whole way up. Simon looked away from Ruthie; she figured he was upset with her for blowing him off.

"I'm so sorry, Annie," Cecilia sobbed with her arms still around her mother-in-law.

"Oh, it is Mom now, Cecilia, call me Mom," their mother insisted as she had for all her children-in-laws. Naturally, Kevin had called her Mom without asking first—ever since then she had been so open to her in-laws calling her, "Mom."

Behind them, Aunt Julie came out of the kitchen followed by Matt, Sarah, Mary, Carlos, Kevin and the six little ones. Ruthie figured Erica and Nolan would be coming to the church with Uncle Hank, obviously if Aunt Julie had picked up Robbie and Patty Mary at the airport along with the Colonel and Ruth there wouldn't have been enough room in the car for the children and her husband too.

Ruthie, attempting to sneak away, made her way upstairs. She could hear the twins in the bathroom talking about how sad it would be saying their final goodbye to their father.

"I'm going to miss Dad," Sam was saying.

"Me too," David agreed.

"I'm just glad he's in Heaven, though," Sam told his brother.

"Me too," David agreed, "I'm sure he's happy. I'm sad to say goodbye though."

"So am I, but it's only polite to say goodbye," Sam told his brother.

_Innocent, _Ruthie thought_, they're so innocent…they have no idea. _Morally, she knew she should go to the funeral. She knew it was the "right" thing to do for her family, but physically she didn't think she was able to contain herself at the funeral. She felt it would scar her for life and only make her family matters worse.

She raced back up to her cave before anyone could stop her. As she flopped on her bed, she realized how deep her jeans were cutting into her skin. _Ouch, _it burned. She ripped her pants off and fumbled for a pair of sweat pants to put on.

When she was comfortably clothed she laid back down on her bed until she heard a knock on the door. _Ugh, this was coming, _Ruthie sighed. She had to have known that somebody in this family would be coming to talk her into going to the funeral. "If you're Matt or Sarah, go away!" Ruthie called.

"I'm not," the voice she barely recognized spoke. _Patty Mary. _She hardly knew Patty Mary; she didn't understand why _she _would come to talk to her.

"Come in, I guess," she muttered.

"Hi Ruthie," Patty Mary said placing her hand over her inflated stomach.

"Hi," Ruthie murmured. They stood there in an awkward silence and then said, "Why are you here? I don't even know you, so why are you here to talk to me?"

Patty Mary sighed, "Believe me, it's not like I wanted to—Kevin basically forced me to."

"Oh," Ruthie acknowledged and added, "How are he and Lucy doing?"

"Oh, you mean about the whole 'Kevin not telling Lucy about Robbie and my wedding' thing?" Patty Mary asked. Ruthie nodded. "Eh, Lucy still isn't happy about it, but they'll reconcile, personally I think Lucy has bigger obligations giving the sermon all—that's a big step for her." Ruthie nodded in agreement. _Big obligations, that's for sure…and they always do reconcile._

"So… why did Kevin want you to talk to me?" Ruthie asked nervously.

Patty Mary sighed, "As I think you know; our father died when we were teenagers … in a fire." _Yeah… let me guess, she didn't go to the funeral._ "And… well, I was a little younger than you, I was only twelve…, but still, I was devastated by my father's death and I didn't want to accept he was gone. I thought that if I didn't go to the funeral then I wouldn't have to _close _the fact that he was gone, I could just go on thinking he was at work or something." _I never told anyone that was why I didn't want to go the funeral, _Ruthie pondered. "Anyway, I didn't go to the funeral, and I've regretted in my whole life—Kevin thinks that's why I'm so bitter all the time, because I never said goodbye to my father and I regret it…and quite frankly, he's right." _She wasn't pregnant, though, _Ruthie added to herself.

"I see," was all Ruthie could utter.

"Do you really want to have that burden on your plate too; the burden of never saying good-bye to your father?" Patty Mary asked; tears were starting to stream down her eyes. "I know your father loved you, and I know you two were close; just think about it…don't become bitter like me." She turned around and started to walk out of the room.

Ruthie lied down on her bed and started to ponder the future. She thought, _where will I be in ten years? _Closing her eyes, she saw herself a woman of twenty-seven. She saw herself living in a mini mansion with … _Martin_. Martin had left Sandy for Ruthie, though eleven-year-old Aaron visited on weekends. Ruthie had decided not to go to college and be a stay at home mom, while Martin was playing in the major leagues—so they had the money to live "comfortably." She saw herself with a nine year old daughter and then three more children by Martin; two boys and another girl. They had a big pool in the backyard and a hot tub…_shot_.

Her dreams were feral, and she knew that would never happen. Martin wouldn't abandon Sandy now that he was with her, though Ruthie knew very well that he didn't love her. She knew that Aaron needed his father and it wouldn't be fair for Martin to abandon him. _Though he did come back for me… _Ruthie thought, _no…I can't do this, I can't do this to Aaron. _She figured Martin would not want to be with her _anyway _once he found out she was pregnant. Why would he want to be involved with a child that _wasn't _his? He had a hard enough deciding to be involved with a child that _was _his.

Ruthie could dream. _Martin will be at the funeral, _she thought to herself. She knew she had to make a decision, and fast. She thought about what Patty Mary had: "Don't end up bitter like me." _I think I'll end up bitter anyway…especially if I go to the funeral, _she sighed. Ruthie didn't want any regrets, she didn't want to say goodbye to her father—but she didn't want him to be gone. He was gone. She couldn't change that.

_I have to say goodbye._

_

* * *

_

:: This is slightly short…and I know you're all waiting for Ruthie to blurt out she's pregnant to someone, but I think that would be entirely out of character for her and besides, that takes away the fun.

:: Next chapter: The funeral! (I know, about time…)

Was anyone surprised that Robbie was the guy Patty Mary met at the airport on Lucy's wedding day? (_Season 7, Episode 18 – We Do_)

Credits:

Flashback (Ruthie/Robbie)-

_Season 6, Episode 2 - Teased _


	7. Selfish

Outside Heaven

Chapter 7

Selfish

Moments later she was facing herself in the mirror. She had taken the courage to put on her black knee-length dress. It was stretchy, so it didn't feel tight at all—unlike her jeans. She placed her hand over her flat feeling stomach. _There's really a baby in there…, _she sighed, _well, not a baby…an embryo. _She wasn't even sure exactly how far along she was. Time had flown so fast, she couldn't keep track of it all.

She grabbed her calendar and starting looking at the days. _It had to have been a Monday, _she thought. Flipping back through the calendar she realized it had to have been around April twenty-third. _It's now May fourteenth. _She had to be about five weeks along, she figured.

Her last day of school had been the day she had received the news of her father's death. She was devastated. Ruthie planned on leaving school a year early, like Simon. After all, she had all of her credits—it seemed kind of silly to sit around and take gravy classes and be bored to death. She wanted to go to college, _wanted to_. Her dreams were shot now—she couldn't see herself in college and pregnant. Other girls did it, sure, but she wasn't other girls.

_Martin, _Ruthie sighed, _if only Martin would come and save the day. _She was selfishly hoping to get him alone at the funeral, even though she knew the day was meant to be a celebration of her father's life and their final farewell. She wanted Martin—she wanted to see him, to tell him that she had changed her mind, to be comforted by him.

She headed down to the bathroom downstairs to wash her face. As she headed toward the bathroom she heard noises coming from the twins' old room, which was her old room before then—they were Matt and Sarah's voices.

"Ruthie does not have an eating disorder! Are you mad?" Matt was saying. _Sarah thinks I have an eating disorder! What? _Ruthie was dazed.

"Of course you wouldn't see it, you're her brother—but didn't you see how she barely touched the bread last night? How she chugged the water down?" Sarah asked and said, "I think I heard her vomiting this morning." _She thinks I'm bulimic? _Ruthie thought, _gross, I could never throw up on purpose._

"And you questioned her about it, and she said she wasn't," Matt pointed out.

"Of course she would say she wasn't! She wouldn't admit it—and you saw her with that disgusting combination this morning! That would obviously make it easier for her to puke up!" Sarah shrieked.

"I think you're crazy…I think Ruthie's just devastated like the rest of us. She's lost her father _and _boyfriend … I just can't believe _Ruthie _would have an eating disorder," Matt told his wife and added, "If any of my sisters ended up with an eating disorder it would be Lucy, she's always so concerned about what people think of her. Ruthie's more independent." _Like if any of your siblings ended up on drugs it would be Lucy—right, _Ruthie remembered a statement Matt had made a long time ago to her father. Yet, Mary was the one who had tried pot.

Ruthie rushed into the bathroom before they opened the door and saw her standing there watching. She was still in amazement that Sarah thought she was _bulimic_. Having an eating disorder was the _last _thing Ruthie had ever considered during her lifetime. In fact, she had never considered it. Then again, she had never considered ending up pregnant at seventeen either—still. _Sarah doesn't know, then, _Ruthie sighed in relief then realized; _this is worse… her not knowing and thinking something worse… bulimia is actually worse than "this."_

She grabbed a wash cloth to wash her face with, making sure to put on no eyeliner today in preparation for tears to tackle her face. Ruthie stared over at the toilet where she had read the results that would change her lives forever. _There's a memory in every room in this house, _she sighed. The bathroom seemed to have more distinct ones than the other rooms in the house, oddly enough.

Finally, she took the courage to exit the bathroom. Matt and Sarah had apparently already gone downstairs. _Hell, they better not tell Mom I'm bulimic, _Ruthie rolled her eyes. She was grateful her brother wasn't "buying" it, he knew her—he knew she wouldn't ever do something _that _stupid. _Then again, surely he wouldn't think I would get pregnant._

Downstairs, everyone was crowded into the living room. They were all standing in silence with their heads bowed—as though they were praying. Ruthie took a look at everyone—head to toe. Simon, Cecilia, Mary, Carlos, and Robbie were all standing around the couch letting her grandparents and mother share the couch. Patty Mary was sitting on the loveseat next to Charlie. Matt was sitting in the arm chair with his wife standing behind him. All of the adults in the room wore solemn faces. Jacob, Noah, Jenny, and Crissy were already in their car seats ready to go and were being entertained by Sam and David with funny faces causing the six of them to have the only "smiles" on. All of a sudden she noticed two faces that were missing: Kevin and Lucy. Savannah was sitting in her grandmother's lap—but where were Kevin and Lucy?

Everyone's heads turned when they saw Ruthie walk down. "You came to your senses," her mother smiled weakly, as she sat Savannah on the ground. She came over to Ruthie and gave her a hug, "I knew you would." Ruthie sighed; _I think I knew I would end up going anyway…_ She had been trying to convince herself she could talk herself out of going to the funeral, but she knew she would end up going. Truthfully, she could not picture herself _not _there.

Aunt Julie pulled out her cell phone and glanced at it then enlightened them, "Hank just text me and the kids are ready—I'm going to go pick them up, I'll see you all at the church."

"Bye Aunt Julie!" Sam and David ran over to give their aunt a hug, "we love you!"

"Aww, I love you two too," Aunt Julie smiled, "now I have to go—see you all." She turned around and waved at everyone.

After Aunt Julie had left Ruthie asked, "How are we all getting to the church? And where are Kevin and Lucy?"

"Lucy's…well, being Lucy…and Kevin's with her," Matt informed her, which obviously meant she was crying. _So she's having second thoughts about giving the sermon, _Ruthie presumed.

Just after Matt had uttered that, Kevin and Lucy came through the kitchen. Lucy's eyes were red, and she had a tissue dabbing them. Lucy told them, "I'm okay. I can do this." She smiled feebly trying to reassure them all.

"We should all get down to the church," Kevin suggested in his serious, fatherly tone.

"I guess we should," Annie agreed, she wrapped one arm around Lucy and whispered to her, "You'll do fine, we'll all get through this." _We'll get through this, _Ruthie had heard that far too many times over the last couple days. She couldn't help but wonder: _Will we really get through this? _

They all split up into four cars: the family van, Kevin and Lucy's, the car that had been Mary's—then Matt's because Mary couldn't afford it, but Simon drove it throughout most of college until he married Cecilia—, and Simon plus Cecilia's new used Jeep that was a graduation present from Cecilia's parents. Cecilia was _supposed _to graduate a year late because she had moved colleges, but she ended up taking a _triple _load due to her outstanding grades so managed to actually graduate a year _early _with Simon. She decided to push herself that far after reuniting with Simon last summer.

Ruthie opted to go with Kevin, Lucy, Savannah, Sam, and David. Grandma, the Colonel, and Charlie were all going in Simon and Cecilia's Jeep, she didn't want to be subject to questioning from them, plus Simon was probably still upset with her. Charlie would technically be illegal, because there wasn't room for the car seat—so he would sit on his great-grandfather's lap. The Colonel's exact words had been, "I'm a retired marine. I reckon I serve as a fine enough car seat!" Mary had been a bit unsure about it, but she trusted her grandfather.

Matt, Sarah, and their twins were taking the car, which left Mom, Mary, Carlos, their twins, Robbie, and Patty Mary all to cram into the family van. _We need another car, _Ruthie thought. Sarah and Matt did not own a car in New York—obviously, they didn't need one. Ruthie hoped—especially if they planned on having anymore children—they acquired their own car when they moved back to Glen Oak.

Luckily, the Church was only a five minute drive. They could have all walked if they didn't have six—eight if you counted Sam and David—small children along with them. Arriving at the church she had attended for seventeen years felt dismal for the first time. She had spent many happy years here. One of the most _hilarious _memories she held was when she couldn't have been much older than six. Well, it had been hilarious to her at the time—now she felt somewhat embarrassed. A camera crew had come to film her father's church service; and Ruthie being selfish and greedy was upset about not being the center of attention. She had stuck a mint up her nose, purely seeking attention. Of course it was _cute _because she was six. Plus, she got what she wanted: a trip to the hospital and lots of attention.

The church was already starting to get crowded even though the service wasn't due to start for two hours. She two familiar faces out front right away—Kevin's brother, Ben and his mother. They were standing away from the crowd, alone, which made them stand out. Ben lit up and dashed toward them when he saw Kevin get out of the car, "Finally a face I know! I feel like such an outcast—who knew Reverend Camden knew so many people."

"Well, he did help a lot of people," Kevin told his brother as he unbuckled Savannah's car seat.

Kevin's mother wrapped her arm around Lucy and said, "I'm so sorry about your father."

"I'm so glad you and Ben could make it," Lucy attempted a smile, Ruthie could tell she was holding off crying now from the sound of her throat.

"Even though I hardly knew your father, it's the last we could do," Kevin and Ben's mother said, "Ben and Kevin always talked so high of him." She turned to Savannah and cooed, "How's my little granddaughter?" Savannah, not knowing that grandmother shyly leaned away. She sighed, "I guess Savannah doesn't know me—I really should make it out here more often—Patty Mary's in Florida and you guys are here…I'm soon going to have three grandchildren and I never see them!"

"Well, I'm going to go get ready," Lucy said as she kissed Savannah and then Kevin, "I'll talk to you all later." She vanished.

Ruthie broke away from the Kinkirk family and began to mingle throughout the church looking for others she knew, _particularly Martin_. She hoped to catch him _sans _Sandy.

She was shocked to see a familiar old friend standing in the far distance hidden by a crowd of people. Ruthie wouldn't have noticed her if it hadn't been for her skin color. She almost didn't recognize her—it had been so many years, but she was positive it was her, Lynn looked almost exactly like her older sister Keisha had around her age. _I doubt Lynn will even recognize me; _Ruthie decided and kept on walking. She would have loved a reunion with an old friend—but not now, not at her father's funeral. All she had on her mind was one person: Martin.

Many people, most whom she didn't even know, stopped her and gave her a hug and told her how sorry they were. She kept walking until she was stopped by a somewhat looking familiar face, she recognized him—but she didn't know from where, after all had seen so many faces over her seventeen years on Earth. He looked like he could be about Matt's age.

"Ruthie?" the guy asked.

"Do I know you?" she asked.

He chuckled, "No, probably not—I remember when your parents brought you home from the hospital though—I used to be Matt's best friend."

"Are you the one who dated my sister Mary?" she inquired. She barely remembered him; in fact, she couldn't believe _he _recognized her. Jeff had disappeared out of their lives after breaking up with Mary.

He laughed, "Yeah, I was—I think that was the end of Matt's friendship with me."

Ruthie raised her eyebrows then questioned, "How did you recognize me?"

"You still have the same adorable eyes you had as a little girl," he smiled. "How old are you now; sixteen?"

"Seventeen," she corrected.

"Wow, I can't believe that much time has gone by—so what's Matt up to?" he asked.

"Let's see…he's married, a doctor, and has two boys," Ruthie informed and added, "They live in New York." She wouldn't betray Sarah by even telling the slightest person that they were planning on moving back to Glen Oak. Of course, she couldn't risk Jeff running into Matt and mention something about the sorts—then Matt would know Sarah told her.

"Wow, sounds like he's been busy, and Mary?" Jeff asked.

Ruthie smiled wickedly, "Oh, Mary…I could go on and on about her, but she's married too with three kids."

"I take it she's had an interesting life from your tone," Jeff assumed.

"Mhm…well, nice seeing you…I should get going," Ruthie told him.

"Oh, by the way, I'm so sorry about your dad…he was such a nice man," Jeff added.

"He was," Ruthie whispered and moved on. She found herself inside the church heading toward the casket. People were crowded around her father's coffin, so she couldn't see him—but she could feel the presence of his lifeless body in the room. She heard sobs of tears coming from those in the room as she made her way down through the crowds. _I need to do this, _she told herself.

She found herself standing behind her sister Mary, who was blocking her view. Mary turned around and Ruthie could see she was in tears. Ruthie's view was still blocked by another tall man standing next to her sister. "Ruthie, are you sure you want to see him?" Mary asked in tears, "It's hard."

"I have to," Ruthie whispered, "I have to say my final goodbye." Mary nodded in tears and moved slightly over.

Ruthie flinched at first sight of her father's grave, motionless face. _He's really dead, _it hit Ruthie. This is what she had been afraid of: the realization as her father truly had passed. She looked at his lifeless pale body. When he was alive, especially the last year, his skin had been quite pale and colorless, but here he was—fully pallid. His eyes were closed shut tight and he was dressed in a black suit, similar to the one he had worn every Sunday to church underneath his garments. He looked so peaceful, but it made Ruthie's heart ache.

She couldn't look any longer and broke herself away. Mary was still standing behind her in tears. Ruthie ran past her—pushing herself through crowds of strangers trying to get as far away from her father's body as she could. _He's gone, he's dead, and he's not coming back! _She shrieked in her mind. This was worse than how she had imagined it in her head. Large tears rolled down her face as she ran out of the church and tripped on crack between the grass and the cement that landed her straight on her face in the middle of the grass. _Ouch! _Pain lingered through her scraped elbow and knee. _I shouldn't have worn these high heels, _she sighed looking down at her two inch high heels. She had wanted to feel taller when she saw Martin today.

Matt had spotted Ruthie on the ground and had run over to help her out. "What happened? You didn't faint again, did you?" he asked.

"No, I tripped," she muttered and added, "I saw Dad."

"Oh," Matt whispered, "I haven't been in there—it's against the Jewish tradition to view the body public or private."

"You're not Jewish—are you?" Ruthie questioned her brother.

"Well, no, not technically—though I do attend the synagogue with the boys and Sarah on Saturdays," he told her.

"Do you still go to church?" Ruthie had to ask.

"Well, sometimes on Sundays I tell Sarah I'm taking the boys to the park—but I think she knows where I'm really going," Matt told his sister.

"Wait a minute," Ruthie said, "That doesn't make sense—how come you have to go with her to the synagogue, but she won't come with you to church?"

"Does it really matter?" Matt spat at her looking a little annoyed that she was questioning their "ways."

"Maybe," Ruthie rolled her eyes. She liked Sarah, but sometimes she didn't agree with her _ways_. For example, she had gone _crazy _about not getting an engagement ring when they were _already _married. Then, when Matt finally got her an engagement ring, despite him not being able to afford one, she had gone berserk because it was _fake_. In the end, of course, their mother had ended up giving Matt their grandmother's ring—still; Ruthie found it all to be a bit insane. Sarah was a great person and all, but she could be a little unreasonable. _Not to forget she thinks I'm bulimic_, Ruthie spat inside_, I wonder how long it will take for Matt to say something to me about that. _Matt was already looking at her _oddly_. She knew he was thinking about what Sarah had said to him earlier.

Ruthie found it all somewhat amusing in a sense. When Rose, Simon's ex-fiancé, had demanded a ring Simon could not afford—everyone in the family hated her. Then again, everyone hated Rose before they found out Simon was planning on marrying her—that was _beside _the point, though. When Sarah had demanded a ring from Matt that he could not afford, her parents had gone right along ensuring she got a ring, and they all loved her. Then again, Sarah and Rose were completely different people—but, still, they had similar demands.

She turned around toward the street and there she saw him. His dark hair stood up making his willow's peak visible. Even from a distance, she could make out his innocent blue-gray eyes. Ruthie looked from side to side for Sandy and Aaron—but she didn't see them. _Here is my chance. _

_

* * *

_

Thanks for the reviews, everyone!


	8. Tears in Heaven

Outside Heaven

Chapter 8

Tears in Heaven

Abandoning Matt, she made her way viciously through a crowd of people. There she stood, face to face in front of Martin Brewer. She was reminded of how short he made her feel.

Her heart began to throb as she desired to wrap her arms around him and have him hug her back. She wanted to sit down and have him hold her, and only her. Their lips would touch and she would be his and he would be hers. She wanted him to tell her he loved her again, she wanted—.

As she snapped back to reality, she remembered: _Sandy; they have a son_. If only she could get him to _be _with her, she could tell Martin he was the father of her baby—not T-Bone. _If only he were the father of my baby, _Ruthie wished reluctantly. She closed her eyes, imagining herself ripping his shirt off while his tongue was half way down her throat—.

"Ruthie?" Martin was waving his hand in front of her face, "Hello? Are you alright? You look pale."

She felt her face turn bright red in a burning sensation. Embarrassment swept throughout her entire body, _why do I always make a fool of myself in front of Martin? _"Oh sorry…I guess I spaced off, I haven't been feeling that great," she muttered, "How are you?"

"Well, I'm fine, but considering the circumstances…" Martin trailed, "How are you holding up?"

Seemingly forgetting about the past week and why they were even together, she blurted out, "I'm fine, what circumstances?"

"Well, this is your father's funeral…" Martin trailed the obvious.

"Oh," Ruthie felt brain dead, "yeah, I'm okay…just disorientated."

"I don't blame you," Martin agreed, "I would be too if I had just lost my father and boyfriend…Sandy told me about T-Bone, apparently Lucy told her." _He knows about T-Bone…he knows I'm free…where is Sandy? _

"Oh," Ruthie said, "yeah…where is Sandy?"

"Aaron has a fever, so Sandy stayed home with him…she told me to go without her," Martin told her. _Well that was daring of Sandy, _Ruthie thought_, knowing I'm a free woman and all. _Before she could say something he laughed, "I was actually surprised she _trusted _me to come here all alone." _Does that mean what I think it does? _Ruthie pondered.

"What's not to trust?" Ruthie smiled weakly flicking her eyebrows wanting to grab his hand and ask _if _there was a possibility for them to be together. _He doesn't love Sandy, _she told herself again_; he loves his son_. If only Martin could have been her first, how everything would be different. He would have been experienced, he would have been more careful from experience. Martin wouldn't have let the condom break.

"Yeah," Martin spoke uneasily. "Well, if you need anyone to talk to…I'm here."

"Talk…what's talk?" Ruthie whispered as she moved closer to Martin's body.

"Uh…this is starting to feel a little awkward," Martin told her, "When I came back for you a few weeks ago you weren't interested, remember?"

"T-Bone's gone, though," Ruthie affirmed.

"Exactly, shouldn't you be grieving? Not … making moves at me? Something just feels wrong about this," Martin told her.

"There's nothing wrong with it," Ruthie protested, "maybe God got rid of T-Bone for a reason…maybe we're supposed together."

"I don't know," Martin sighed, "I'll have to think about this."

Ruthie rolled her eyes, "Think? There's nothing to think about!" Her heart leaped a mile. _He can't reject me, not now, not while I'm grieving. He doesn't love Sandy. _Those words "He doesn't love Sandy" seemed to be music to her ears. She knew it, she knew he would never love Sandy. He could love her.

"Are you sure you just aren't on the rebound?" Martin asked. _Rebound? I'm not on the rebound, my boyfriend died…he didn't dump me. _One might have thought she would feel sadder about the loss of T-Bone. At first, she did. Now, it was like she realized she had made a foolish mistake. It was like God was shoving it in her face: _"You and Martin are meant to be together."_ He was dangling Martin here on Earth for her. T-Bone had been taken from this Earth so he couldn't interfere with life's plans.

Before Ruthie could respond, she felt a tap on her shoulder. She looked behind to see her sister, Lucy, dressed in her black garment, "The service is about to start, Mom wants us all together inside."

Ruthie sighed and turned to Martin, "We'll talk later."

Lucy put right arm around Ruthie's shoulder, "I hope you aren't thinking about getting back together with Martin, I just can't see you letting T-Bone go just like that."

"There's a reason for everything," Ruthie whispered to her sister, "maybe T-Bone died for a reason." She saw her sister's eyebrows raise in shock and disbelief. Ruthie remembered when Lucy's friend had died when she was a teenager. Lucy had cried for days. Death was never an easy subject and it was never taken lightly. Here Ruthie was, not feeling any remorse or sadness for the loss of a guy she had shared her _first _time with. She just couldn't explain this feeling she was enduring.

They entered the church office. The church office her father had spent over twenty-five years preparing sermons, counseling various church members, and doing other church work. It was the same office Chandler had shared with him for two years, and Lucy had shared for the last two years. She took note to the large bookshelf in the corner, the stack of papers on the desk, and her father's laptop sitting unattended on his desk. Ruthie closed her eyes and refocused as to _why _they were here today. Her father was dead.

Her mother was standing between Matt and Sarah, who were each holding one of their sons, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this!" Ruthie had heard her proclaim as she entered the room. Shortly after Lucy and Ruthie entered the room, they were joined by the rest of the clan. It was the first time since Matt and Sarah's graduation Ruthie could recall all the Camden kids being in one room. It was the first time all her nieces, nephews, and in-laws had all been in the same room.

Everyone stood in silence for a few moments, nobody knew what to say. Ruthie glanced around and made eye contact with every person in the room. Kevin held Savannah in one arm, with his other arm around Lucy whose blue eyes were holding back tears. Carlos was holding both of his daughters, leaving Mary empty handed except for her purse. Charlie was standing next to his mother with his eyes wandering around the room in confusion. Sam and David understood everyone was sad, they also knew that it was a time for silence. Matt and Sarah's faces were emotionless, Matt looked like he could break down crying any minute. His skin had turned almost an olive color, as though he was about to be sick. Simon's face was beat red with his arm around Cecilia, and while tears were not rolling down his face now, she could tell they had been. He was trying to stay strong around their mother—which didn't seem to be doing any good. There was her mother, tears rolling down her eyes freely. Matt had placed his arm around her comforting her.

"So," Kevin finally said, "Matt, Simon, Carlos, and I will be pallbearers."

"That's only four," Simon spoke, his voice was congested. Ruthie could hear the moist in his throat. "Traditionally, there are six."

"Well I'm glad somebody decided to do his homework," Mary rolled her eyes. Everyone's faces went solemn and immobilized when she said that.

"Mary," Carlos spoke slowly, "this isn't really the time to be attacking your brother."

"Thank you, Carlos," Simon acknowledged Carlos's sticking up for him. "Now, who are the other two pallbearers going to be?"

"Well, I haven't asked them, and I didn't know that Robbie would be here, but since Martin and Robbie were like sons to Dad, I was thinking…"

"Wait!" Lucy interrupted frantically, "You haven't had the _pallbearers _arranged? I thought this was all set!" _Way to procrastinate everything, _Ruthie thought to herself_, damn, and I thought I was bad. _She hadn't known Kevin to be such a procrastinator before, but with Lucy going off on him every other minute she couldn't blame him for not arranging the pallbearers. Since Matt couldn't get to Glen Oak right away, Kevin had volunteered to help make all those "arrangements." Obviously, he had gotten himself over his head.

"And you can't have Martin be a pallbearer!" cried Simon, "He's too immature, even you think that, Kevin."

"What I think or don't think about Martin is completely irrelevant," Kevin said, "He lived in your house for two years."

Finally, Annie spoke up, "Robbie and Martin are fine, let's not argue—please—I can't handle anymore." She choked up and began bawling as Matt handed his son to Sarah, leaving her holding two babies, and fell into Matt's chest. He wrapped his arms around her.

Ruthie closed her eyes and rolled them privately; _I can't take anymore of this crap. _She just wanted the funeral to be over with. All she wanted was this whole freaking _day _to be over with. Hell, she wanted this week, this year, and partially this life to be over with. She wanted to be five again, lying in her mother's arms in complete oblivion.

"So, can those of us not involved in carryng the casket and whatever else go sit down in the church already?" Ruthie asked in a demanding tone. Just as she had spoken, a knock came from the office door. Kevin, who was standing nearest to the door, reached over and opened it. There stood Richard and Rosina Glass—Sarah's parents.

"Well, well, well," Rabbi Glass said, "Had I known we were having a little family reunion in here, my wife and I would have gladly accepted—we weren't invited, however."

"Dad…" Sarah trailed.

"It's nice to see you too, Sarah…and Matt…and the rest of you all, of course not so nice to see you under these circumstances, terrible circumstances they are indeed," Rabbi Glass continued.

"What my husband means to say," Rosina interjected, "we're so sorry about Eric."

"Yes, yes, we are," Rabbi Glass said as Rosina made her way over to Sarah taking one of her the boys out of her arms.

"How's my little Jacob?" she cooed at the little guy who giggled at his grandmother. _She can tell them apart! _Ruthie gasped in jealousy. She knew that Richard and Rosina flew out to New York a hell of a lot more than anyone in their family did, which resulted in them knowing the boys better. Ruthie stared at the boys closely trying to see how anyone could tell them apart. She didn't see it, she just didn't. Both boys we even wearing identical black suits—Matt and Sarah could have at least varied their clothing a little. Ruthie hated when parents dressed their twins alike, her parents had only done that when the boys were little—when it was, ironically, the hardest to tell them apart.

"All I can say is thank you for being here," Annie spoke breaking away from Matt, "I'm so grateful to have all my family here and so many friends. I truly do feel blessed to have so many that care. Eric would too."

"It's the least we can do, after all we've been through together," Rabbi Glass said, "Starting with the bounding of our families, oh boy how can we forget that, oh and then there was spying on that associate minister guy—Chandler, right?—and my heart attack—."

"Anxiety attack," Rosina corrected.

"Yeah, sure, sure," Rabbi Glass acknowledged, "Speaking of that Chandler, when we came in I saw him out there with that one blonde gal—Roseanne, I think it was."

"Roxanne?" Kevin and Lucy both spat at once. _Roxanne? _Ruthie thought, _isn't she supposed to be in Iraq? _It had been almost three years since she had left to join the military with intentions of going to Iraq. Chandler and she had gone their separate ways, he had met his adopted son's—Jeffrey's—tutor and "fallen in love." They ran off to Pennsylvania together when she got accepted to college having barely known each other. _Maybe Rabbi Glass is wrong…he can be quite delusional at times, he probably saw that tutor chick and mistook her for Roxanne. _

"Are you sure it was Roxanne?" Kevin asked, "I mean…she's in Iraq…or supposed to be, now that I think of it…I haven't heard from her since she left Glen Oak."

"Well, well, of course I'm not _sure, _all I know is I saw that Minister Hampton guy with some blonde female, of course I can't be _sure _of anything, I'm just the rabbi," Rabbi Glass indicated. _Blond, Kendall—that was her name—was blond, wasn't she? _Truthfully, Ruthie couldn't remember.

"Well, surely we'll find out in time," Lucy said, "I just would have thought Roxanne would have called if she was back, that's all."

Ruthie closed her eyes, rolling her eyes internally. She just wanted to get this show on the road; in fact, she wasn't so sure about how much more _family time _she could handle. After the funeral everyone was supposed to come over to the church house, Ruthie hoped there would be so many people that nobody would notice her escaping to the attic. _Maybe I can get Martin to go with me…_

"Well, can those of us not involved in the funeral make our way into the church?" Ruthie demanded again.

"I suppose we should," her mother spoke slowly. She took Savannah from Kevin's arms and motioned for Mary, Sarah, Cecilia, Rosina, Rabbi Glass, and Ruthie to follow her into the church. Carlos handed Mary one of the girls, and pawned the other off on Ruthie. _Great, now I have a baby, _that thought killed her. Her throat clamped shut as she tried to swallow her secret.

"Which one is this?" Ruthie asked in curiosity. She wanted to at least be able to call her niece by her name.

"Oh, that's Crissy, her eyes are deeper blue than Jenny's," Mary told Ruthie. Ruthie looked into Jenny's eyes, then Crissy's—she couldn't see any difference. Nonetheless, she trusted Mary's statement—she was their mother after all.

They made their ways into the church. Ruthie found herself separated by a crowd from the other women in the family. She didn't realize it at first, but she was standing right next to her father's closed coffin. Various flowers of all kinds were surrounding it that friends had brought; they ranged from roses to lilacs to daisies. They were so pretty. Without thinking, Ruthie found herself taking a whiff of the lilac—the fresh scent filled her nostrils with a pleasurable feeling.

Before Ruthie even realized what she was doing, she was interrupted by a tap on the shoulder that caused her to flinch and almost drop Crissy. She rapidly turned around to see a familiar face. His hair was no longer bleach blond, but dark. His eyes still were kind and blue as they always had been. Standing behind him were his parents, his mother was holding a small blonde haired toddler of about two years of age—his baby sister, Emma.

"Peter," she mouthed.

"Ruthie," he whispered back, "it's been awhile, I've missed you. I'm so sorry about your father." They had planned on going to Scotland together last year; then Peter failed a class so his parents wouldn't let him go. Ruthie hadn't heard much from Peter since then. _He was my first love, _Ruthie reminded herself_, but he's not Martin. _

"Yeah, I've missed you too," she lied, truthfully she had hardly thought of him.

"Is this … this isn't your daughter?" he joked looking at Crissy. _How dare he joke about something like that! _Ruthie screamed to herself

"No, this is my niece—Mary's daughter," Ruthie corrected. _Crissy and Jenny are too old to have been conceived in Scotland, anyway, _Ruthie noted to herself_, they were born while I was in Scotland._

"Oh, I didn't think you would be silly enough to get pregnant so young—but you were in Scotland for all that time, so who knows," Peter laughed. _Like Scotland has anything to do with anything, I maintained my virginity there, _Ruthie thought proudly of herself.

"Well… I should get going, I have to go sit with my family, I'm glad you could make it," Ruthie spoke quickly and started to force her way through a crowd of people standing right in the middle of the aisle. She made her way to the first pew and quickly made her way down to the end of the row next to Mary.

"There you are," whispered Mary, "we thought you got lost." _I did, sort of, _Ruthie decided. Ruthie looked around at all the people in the church. There were so many faces she didn't know, sort of knew, and knew quite well. A group of aggravating church ladies—the red haired lady in particular stood out, she couldn't remember her name—stood huddled in the center of the church. They were whispering, Ruthie couldn't imagine about what. She could remember at Lucy's baby shower they had rearranged all the furniture. They definitely were not the most considerate women of the church.

A few moments later Patty Mary, Ben, along with Kevin and Ben's mom joined the family in the pew behind. Patty Mary looked really pale compared to earlier when Ruthie had seen her. She looked like she could faint any minute. Ruthie wasn't the only one who noticed, Ben commented, "Are you feeling alright, Patty Mary? You look like you're about to faint."

"I'm … fine … the baby has just been scrunching my rib, just a little uncomfortable," Patty Mary told her brother.

"When are you due?" Sarah, who sat two down from Ruthie between Annie and Charlie, turned around and asked.

"I'm thirty-seven weeks along," Patty Mary enlightened.

"Oh, wow, flying out here so late in your pregnancy—usually that isn't recommend…well, of course, I flew out here when I was twenty-eight weeks long with the twins, and usually they don't recommend that especially with multiples," Sarah told Patty Mary.

"My doctor said everything should be alright, plus I told him that my sister-in-law's brother and sister-in-law were doctors, so I think that eased his mind too," Patty Mary smiled, which Sarah laughed at. _How dare they smile and laugh at a time like this, _Ruthie thought. She didn't understand how they could just hold a normal conversation. They were at a funeral, not just any funeral, her _father's—_the Reverend Eric Camden's—funeral.

Hank, Julie, Erica, Nolan, the Colonel, and Grandma Ruth joined the pew behind them, filling it up. Ruthie rarely saw her cousins, Erica and Nolan. Erica was seven now—just a year younger than the twins—and Nolan had just turned five. Erica and been named after Eric and Annie, Hank had fretted to get Nolan named after someone in his family. Nolan was named after his mother and father: Nora and Arlan. Since Hank was Jewish, and the Jewish tradition was they couldn't name their children after one person until they were dead, they opted to "blend" their kids' names.

Erica was like a miniature Aunt Julie. Her blonde hair and blue eyes stood out vividly. Nolan shared more of his father's traits. He was red-haired and blue eyed, his face was also covered in freckles. The boy timidly clung to his mother as they settled down. Erica, on the other hand, was quite lively and garrulous as she immediately started a conversation with Sam and David, who seemed eager to have someone their own age to talk to.

Music started to flow throughout the church, as it started nearly everyone began to file in and take a seat. Ruthie watched the pews fill up rapidly. Tears began to roll down her eyes, once more, as she listened to the second Eric Clapton tune she had heard over the last twenty four hours:

_Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven  
Will it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven  
I must be strong, and carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven_

_Would you hold my hand  
If I saw you in heaven  
Would you help me stand  
If I saw you in heaven  
I'll find my way, through night and day  
Cause I know I just can't stay  
Here in heaven_

_Time can bring you down  
Time can bend your knee  
Time can break your heart  
Have you begging please  
Begging please_

_Beyond the door  
There's peace I'm sure.  
And I know there'll be no more...  
Tears in heaven_

_Would you know my name  
If I saw you in heaven  
Will it be the same  
If I saw you in heaven  
I must be strong, and carry on  
Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven_

_Cause I know I don't belong  
Here in heaven  
_

Ruthie wondered if she would even go to Heaven. She knew her father was there—providing there was a Heaven. He was the ideal saint-like man. Surely, if they were Catholic, he would have been crowned a saint. _I wonder what Hell will be like, _Ruthie sighed to herself. If everyone who had premarital sex ended up in Hell, Hell must be pretty crowded. Ruthie figured she would be joined by Sandy, Martin, Simon, Kevin, her grandparents, all of the women at the teen mother's group her mother and Lucy had started, and probably countless others she was unaware of. It wouldn't surprise her if Simon and she were not the _only _of the Camden kids to have had premarital relations. She somewhat doubted Matt, Mary, _and _Lucy had all waited until they were married. Well, Lucy may have sustained—but Matt and Mary…she doubted, especially Mary. She had been in New York all that time _alone_.

They all stood in respect as Matt, Simon, Kevin, Carlos, Robbie, and Martin ushered the casket to the front of the church. Simon's face was watered down with tears, Ruthie was surprised his hands could even grasp onto the handle. Matt, Kevin, Carlos, and Robbie's faces all held emotionless expressions as they looked ahead seeming to avoid the congregation. She couldn't read Martin's expression; it was almost like he was thinking about something else other than the body in the casket he was carrying…_her? _

She looked around for her sister, but she didn't see her. Usually, at least on regular Sunday's, she had been right ready to go. It wasn't like her to be "late." She liked to be sitting in her chair before the congregation took their seats. Of course, Ruthie couldn't compare this to any regular service—it couldn't be further from a regular service. She kept trying to forget _what _today was, it was so hard to accept _what _today was.

People were whispering all around her, finally Mary whispered, "You guys don't think she's backing out, do you?"

"I don't think so," Annie whispered, "I think she's just taking her time." It was the first time she had saw her mother dry-eyed all day. Here she was sitting _at _the funeral and she wasn't even shredding a tear. Ruthie was surprised and actually shocked.

The music continued, and a new song started:

_You put me here for a reason  
You have a mission for me  
You knew my name and You called it  
Long before I learned to breathe_

_Sometimes I feel disappointed  
By the way I spend my time  
How can I further Your kingdom  
When I'm so wrapped up in mine_

_In a Blink of an eye that is when  
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been  
Time will fly, but until then  
I'll embrace every moment I'm given  
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye_

_And though I'm living a good life  
Can my life be something great?  
I have to answer the question  
Before it's too late_

_Cause in a Blink of an eye that is when  
I'll be closer to You than I've ever been  
Time will fly, but until then  
I'll embrace every moment I'm given  
There's a reason I'm alive for a blink of an eye_

As the song came to an end, heard the sound of heads turning to the back of the church. Ruthie looked back to see her older sister walk through the doors. She was followed by two familiar faces; one shocking. _Apparently Rabbi Glass isn't as delusional as I thought, _Ruthie was surprised. There were Roxanne and Chandler. Ruthie immediately took note to Roxanne's arm—it was in a sling. _Maybe she got injured, _Ruthie wondered. There had to be some reason why she was back here and not in the army, they didn't just let people off to go to funerals of non family members.

Roxanne and Chandler took their seats in the far back of the church with a boy of about thirteen—Ruthie assumed to be Jeffrey. She had never known Jeffrey all that well; she had only seen him once or twice. He had grown much taller from what she could last remember.

Lucy made her way to the pulpit. The music came to a halt and the whole congregation went into complete silence as Lucy made her stance at the pulpit. For at least five minutes, nobody spoke a word. Then, finally, Lucy's mouth opened, "We are all here in memory of my father," she paused, "The Reverend Eric Camden." Ruthie could hear sobs of sadness coming from various areas of the church, she found herself looking down at her feet; she felt tears rolling down her face again and her face turning bright red. She heard sniffles all around the place. Lucy continued, "My family is grateful that so many of you have come to say farewell to my father, as well as to celebrate his life." She paused; Ruthie looked up to see Lucy take a deep breath. It was evident she was trying deeply to hold in tears.

"Life is short," Lucy continued, "I remember my wedding day—like any bride, I started to have cold feet, to question whether or not I was making the right decision—fortunately, I have one of the most amazing older brothers in the whole world," she turned and smiled weakly at Matt and continued, "Matt gave me a little sermon, he told me that life is short—being a doctor he sees it everyday—each day we live thinking there's always tomorrow, that we'll always have a second chance, we can't imagine having a less-than-ordinary day without our family and friends…" she paused to catch her breath, "So many people don't get the opportunity to fulfill their true potential, so many people never find someone…my father was one of the lucky few, he found my mother, he fathered seven children, and while being an amazing father he was a minister in this church, and he cared for all of you."

Lucy closed her eyes. _Here it comes, _Ruthie figured_, she's going to break down_. After taking a deep breath, she continued, "Our lives are only a blink of an eye out of many more years to come on Earth. Time went on before we were here, and time will go on without out us. It is up to us to make the best out of our time while we are on Earth, and I think I can safely say my father did that. He utilized his time wisely, and while he did not want to die—he would never have wanted to leave us all here alone—he knew that his time was limited and it was up to him to make a difference while he had the chance." She paused again then said, "He spent many sermons up here encouraging others to live in his footsteps, to make a difference, to go out and make a change, and I continue to preach his passion—I encourage you all out there to make a difference, to go out and change the world, if not for yourself—in the memory of my father, Reverend Eric Camden." She ended with, "If anyone here would like to pay a tribute to my father, please take this opportunity." She didn't shred a tear as she stepped back to the chair, Ruthie—and she was sure the rest of the congregation was as well—was venerated.

Ruthie looked around the church, she saw many eyes wandering. She knew someone had to want to say something, somebody would. After moments passed, Matt stepped up to the pulpit and grabbed the microphone as he coughed, "Hi there…I'm Matt, Matt Camden—the oldest son of Eric and Annie Camden—and, well, I've never stood up here and spoke before…but, well, here I am…standing before all of you and speaking. Some of you I haven't seen since I was a teenager, others of you I've just met today, and some of you I haven't had the chance to meet yet. But I guess none of that matters—all that matters is we all are here to honor one great man, my father. Growing up, my father and I didn't always see eye to eye—I was quite the rebellious teenager, I know it seems kind of hard to believe now—but I was," he took a breath and continued, "No matter what, though, he always forgave me. I did some pretty foolish stuff—like when I was sixteen I drove the church's Meals on Wheel's van into a police car when I snuck out to see my girlfriend, who ended up spilling beer on me—so naturally, the cops thought _I _had been drinking." She heard a few chuckles from various locations in the church. Ruthie had completely forgotten about that, she had been only five.

"I was already on restriction at the time for staying out all night with my friend, Renee—then I went eleven years without seeing her, it's sort of ironic how funerals bring people together … because of my father's death I received the opportunity to become reacquainted with Renee and her eleven year old daughter, Jennifer." Ruthie barely remembered Renee; she remembered she had given birth to her daughter, Jennifer, at Grandma Jenny's funeral. Now there were two girls out there that were named after her Grandmother Jenny—Mary's daughter's name was _Jenna_, though, not Jennifer.

Matt proceeded on, "My father told me once when I was really young that in every bad situation, there's a good side out of it. While it doesn't seem possible that something _good _can come out of something so treacherous as my father dying—a man greatly respected by the community and his family—well, I guess there is one good thing we can all admit: we're all here, together and reunited," he paused to wipe a tear, "and that's all I have. I love you Da-."

Before he could utter that last syllable a loud scream came from behind Ruthie, "AHH!" Ruthie jumped in a ninety degree circle to look behind her, it was Patty Mary.

"What's wrong?" Matt nearly tripped down the stairs making his way over to Patty Mary.

"My water broke!" Patty Mary gasped.

* * *

_Credits:_

Song 1

_Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton_

Song 2

_In the Blink of an Eye – MercyMe_


	9. Rush

Outside Heaven

Chapter 9

Rush

Commotion traveled throughout the church. People started to leave their seats and curiously gather around Patty Mary. Robbie pushed his way through the crowd to get to his wife, who was being guided out of the pew by Matt and Hank. Sarah had handed the baby on her lap to her father and made her way out of their row in an effort to help her husband.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Robbie demanded frantically. Sweat was dripping down in streams from his face. His face showed anxiety and fright.

"My water broke," Patty Mary repeated in a calmer tone than her prior.

"We have to get her to the hospital, come on!" Matt spoke in a fast slur. He was already fiddling in his pockets for his car keys.

"Oh, I thought you could just deliver the baby right here and now," Patty Mary joked. "It would sure save me the effort of making it through this crowd."

Matt smiled and turned to Sarah, "You really should stay behind. Hank and I can do this…we're the gynecologists. Most mothers aren't fortunate enough to have two gynecologists."

Sarah sighed in disappointment, "Are you sure? I could help you. What if you don't make it to the hospital?"

"Well, if this conversation ends now, surely we'll make it," Matt promised holding back a grin; he then whispered something in her ear. It sounded something along the lines of, "this church needs someone semi-sane to keep it together." Ruthie wasn't entirely sure, but that was what it sure sounded like, _so he thinks we're all insane…well, I guess we are…_ Sarah made her way back through the row and grabbed her son back from her father. "Make a way!" Matt called, "Mother to be coming through!" His shouts really made no difference, a few people returned to their seats. So many others either didn't hear or didn't care. The crowd still existed making it difficult for the four to get through.

Kevin, in an effort to help Matt, ran up the stairs to the microphone. He announced, "Everyone! Please sit down and allow the doctors, their patient, and her husband to get through, there's nothing to see here!" Immediately, people listened and quickly found themselves back in a seat making a clear way for Matt, Hank, Robbie, and Patty Mary.

"Owwww!" Ruthie could hear Patty Mary scream as they were halfway out the door.

"Breathe," Matt calmly was coaching her, as they rushed toward the door.

The door slammed shut behind them as the three exited the church. An awkward silence proclaimed inside the church. _What are they going to do? _Ruthie wondered_. What about the burial? Surely they won't do that without Matt. Plus, we've lost two pallbearers. That casket isn't go anywhere. _Ruthie looked up at her sister, who evidently was thinking the same thing. Her eyeballs were surfing the room, as they appeared to be looking for a "sign" of some sort.

Finally, Lucy looked down at Kevin and whispered, "What are we going to do?"

Kevin shrugged his shoulders, "What do you want to do? We can't just bury your father minus two pallbearers."

"It doesn't feel right to bury my father while your niece is being born," Lucy alleged back. She stepped down the stairs and stood in front of her mother, "Mom, would you be upset if we held the burial off until tomorrow?" Ruthie could feel the eyes of the entire congregation turning their way. They were all wondering what would happen next. One had to have known that this was not going to be a _normal _funeral. Of it couldn't be _normal_, it was Reverend Eric Camden's funeral and absolutely nothing had been normal about his life—why would his death be any different?

"It only feels right to wait until tomorrow," Annie told her daughter. Kevin had already pulled out his cell phone and was calling the funeral directors whom were supposed to meet them here after the funeral to transport the body to the graveyard.

"Are we still going to have everyone come to the house today?" Ruthie asked hopeful. She didn't think she could handle having to see all these people tomorrow as well. So many recursive memories would return, she wanted to move on—she wanted to have Martin to herself. Surely all these people couldn't be here tomorrow, anyway.

Ben, still sitting behind them with his mother butted in, "Well, I have to work tomorrow—the chief wasn't entirely sympathetic giving me another day off…since the reverend wasn't my _immediate _family."

"Let's just continue with the gathering at the house," Kevin whispered putting his cell phone away, "then we can tell everyone to come to the graveyard tomorrow?"

"That sounds like a plan," Lucy sighed as she returned to the pulpit and announced their plan to the congregation, "Hello everyone again, it's sort of ironic; Matt was just saying in every bad situation there comes good…and now as my father's life is over, another is about to enter this world. In honor of so, we are going to post-pone the burial until tomorrow—however, you are all welcome to gather with us at our home, the church sanctuary." An outbreak of chatter roared open.

Lucy stepped down from the pulpit and started to make her way down the aisle. "Momma!" Savannah, sitting next to her grandma Annie, called for her mother. Lucy ostensibly didn't hear her due to the commotion and continued walking in a rushed manner out of the church. Savannah turned to her father and said, "Daddy!" Kevin grinned while picking up his daughter and began chasing after his wife.

Ruthie's eyes wandered down the row. She met eyes with her mother, Mary, Cecilia, Sarah, Rosina, Richard, Sam and David. Her eyes then wandered over to the three men remaining by the casket: Simon, Carlos, and _Martin_. They all seemed to be doing the same; looking around. She realized the church had gone silent as she looked turned around. Everyone was looking at _them_.

Breaking the beckoning silence, Charlie tugged on Mary's shirt, "Mommy I is hungwy and I wanna pway with cuzzy Vannah!" Ruthie found herself realizing her stomach was rolling craving food as well. Without intention, her hand grasped her still flat stomach.

"What are we waiting for?" Mary asked open-endedly to everyone.

"I don't know," Cecilia said, then turned to Charlie, "I'm starving too."

Noah—or at least Ruthie was pretty sure it was Noah, because Rosina had called the boy she was holding, Jacob—let out a loud yawn. "I think someone is sleepy," Sarah cooed at her son. Shortly after Noah had yawned, Jacob yawned. He was followed by Jenny; then Crissy—still sitting on Ruthie's lap. Sarah and Mary made eye contact and Sarah said, "I think we better get going and put our kids down for a nap."

Simon and Carlos had walked over and were standing in front of their wives. Martin still stood over by the casket—alone. He looked so lonely, Ruthie longed to go comfort him—she knew this wasn't the time or the place.

Carlos took Crissy from her arms and she was free momentarily—until Rosina handed Jacob over to Sarah and told her, "We'll see you at the house, your father thinks it's a good idea we get out of here before we run into a crowd in the parking lot." They dashed out of the church. People had begun to file out of the church, leaving the church giving off a rather empty feeling; just housing their family and the casket.

"Mom, I'm hungry too!" Erica announced to Julie.

"So are we!" Sam and David said at the same time. They turned to their mother and asked, "Can we _please_ go already?"

Annie smiled weakly, "We better get going before we return home to rearranged funeral again."

"Oh my Gosh, can we stop _talking _about leaving and leave already?" Mary demanded, haste filled her voice. Everyone still remaining in the room stared at her. _God, thank you Mary—she's right for a change. _Ruthie was beginning to feel sick with the endless circle of _talk_. She felt like marching right out of the church never to be seen again.

They began making their way out of the church. Sarah was struggling to carry both twins at once. "Here, I have him," Ruthie grabbed one of the boys, "which one is this again?"

"Noah," Sarah smiled, "thanks."

"Yeah, no problem," Ruthie reassured, _oh by the way…I'm not anorexic or bulimic, I'm … _She knew she would have to have that conversation with Matt and or Sarah sooner or later. Not now, not with practically every family member and past friend in their house. Ruthie took the half-asleep baby into her arms; he rested his head on her shoulder beginning to doze.

They went into the church office to find Kevin and Lucy arguing. "You still didn't—." Lucy was saying, but then she saw her family enter the door and immediately shut her mouth. Kevin was still holding Savannah, who had her head rested on her father's shoulder until she saw Charlie and perked awake.

"Charlie!" she called reaching for her cousin. Kevin noticed his daughter's desire to see her cousin, so he set her down. Savannah ran over to Charlie and attacked him with a hug.

"Aww, they're so cute together," Sarah smiled.

"They are," Cecilia agreed.

"I want a little girl," Sarah sighed, "I bet Jacob and Noah would be protective big brothers."

Mary laughed, "Well if they turn out anything like their father, I'm sure they would be."

Lucy laughed, "Remember when Matt tried to protect you from dating that … what's his name … oh Jeff; Jeff was his name?" Ruthie bit her tongue; resisting telling everyone about the conversation she had with Jeff today.

"Unfortunately he was right about him," Mary noted.

"Jeff?" Carlos asked and declared, "I don't think you've told me about that boyfriend, Mary, you're going to have to enlighten me." _Maybe you'll get to meet him, _Ruthie thought as she saw her sister's face turn bright red.

"Wait," Lucy spoke suspiciously turning to Sarah, "you and Matt aren't expecting again, are you?"

Sarah's mouth dropped open, "No. No we aren't, we're waiting until—." She stopped herself. _Until you settle down back here in Glen Oak? _Ruthie questioned mentally. "—until the boys are a little bit less dependent on us, taking care of twins isn't exactly easy—especially for first time parents—we couldn't imagine having three small children at once."

Annie laughed, "I guess Eric and I were lucky to have had twins our sixth time along, we couldn't have imagined having twins the first time along, either." Then she choked up as she seemed to come to a realization that he was gone. "I mean, I couldn't—." She stopped and tears started rolling down her eyes, "I'm sorry…" Everyone's expressions suddenly turned sorrowful.

"Mom, you have nothing to be sorry about," Kevin told her wrapping his arms around her.

She took a deep breath, "Let's go. Let's go back to the house and get this over with."

"Please?" the twins begged, "We're _starving_."

"There is going to be _food _other than cereal and sandwiches, right?" Sam asked.

"Yeah, we're getting tired of that," David had his hand on his stomach.

Their mother smiled again, there she was being _bipolar_—well, acting as if nothing was wrong one minute then like the world was going to end the next. "We're going to have hamburgers and hotdogs," she told her sons.

"Hot dogs! Yay!" the boys cried. Hot dogs were their favorite food in the entire world.

Since they were minus a car, they had to do a little rearranging. Nonetheless, all that mattered was they made it home. Aunt Julie had volunteered the extra three seats in her van. Savannah and Charlie—who had suddenly become inseparable—had filled two of those spots along with their great-grandfather. Sam and David had decided to cram into the jeep which gave Sarah and the twins a spot in Kevin and Lucy's van.

Ruthie hadn't seen Martin since they had left the church. _Hopefully he's coming over to the house, _Ruthie thought. She couldn't imagine him not coming to the house—unless he wanted to _avoid _her, which just seemed absurd. _He loves me, _Ruthie reassured herself_, he just needs reminded. _

Cars were already lined up in the driveway and on the street when they arrived home. People were standing around waiting for someone to let them in the house. Annie handed Kevin the key to go open the door.

"I wonder if they made it to the hospital," she heard the red haired lady—Mrs. Beeker was her name—telling some blonde-haired woman.

"Imagine that, going into labor at a funeral. How ironic," the woman responded, "Hopefully everything will be alright for the mother and baby."

"Those Camden-relatives sure seem to have bad luck when it comes to going into labor," she heard a complete stranger say, "Especially after Lucy and the elevator situation."

"That woman was a relative of the Camdens?" another voice contradicted, "I thought it was a friend."

"I think it's one of the in-law's siblings…she's married to that Robbie, he was the homeless guy who lived with the Camdens about five years back," another stranger enlightened them.

Ruthie's head swarmed round and round with all the rumors, _all these rumors—do they ever get tired of it? _She wondered how long it would be until they were gossiping about _her_.

_"Did you hear? The youngest Camden girl is pregnant."_

_ "Really? Here they thought she would be the one to wait until she was older to get married; then have children." _

"Ruthie?" Sarah was standing next to her. "Are you okay?"

Ruthie snapped back to reality, "Yeah, I'm fine, I just … was daydreaming."

"I see," Sarah was weary, "I don't suppose you could help me put the boys down for a nap?"

"Yeah, sure!" Ruthie beamed, trying to force herself to look _alive_.

Sarah and Ruthie along with Mary and Lucy headed upstairs to put the four little ones down for a nap. Lucy had taken one of Mary's girls to help put down. The men of the house were busy trying to entertain the guests. Their mother and Cecilia had gone to the kitchen to get all the food ready.

"Mommy can we help?" Charlie had asked his mother.

"We wanna help!" Savannah agreed.

Mary and Lucy smiled at their children and as Mary responded, "Of course you two can help."

"Savannah, don't you think it's time for your nap too?" Lucy asked her daughter and turned to Mary and Sarah, "She usually takes a nap around three after her afternoon snack."

"So does Charlie," Mary said, "Charlie, do you want to take a nap with your sisters?"

"I ain't taking no nap!" Charlie gleamed. "I play with Vannah!"

"I take no nappy!" Savannah cried. "I play with cuzzy!"

"I guess they aren't tired," Mary laughed as Lucy was standing in the doorway of the room Mary was sharing with her husband and twins.

"I guess not," Lucy raised her right eyebrow.

"Mommy, wear pink!" Savannah suddenly demanded. "Pink dress! No black! Vannah no like black."

"She already knows her colors?" Mary was surprised. "I don't think Charlie knows his colors yet…then again, I only see him after five in the evening on weekdays."

"Well," Lucy said slowly, "That's the difference between kids that are in daycare and kids that are home with their parents."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with daycare!" Mary argued turning hot. "Kids who are in daycare learn to socialize with other kids."

"Savannah has no socializing problems!" Lucy argued. "She gets to socialize with her _family_! People who love and care about her." She paused and then added, "Mom stayed home with all seven of us and we turned out just fine."

Mary rolled her eyes, "Right. You and Matt turned out just _perfect_, the rest of us not so much…look at Simon, Ruthie, and me…of course the twins are too young to show any side-effects."

Sarah opened her mouth about to say something, but Ruthie butted in first, "Wait a minute!" she paused, "What's wrong with me?" _I know what's wrong with me, _Ruthie told herself_, but Mary doesn't! She doesn't know crap about my life anymore. _

"Oh come on, don't play so freaking innocent!" Mary cried. "We know you're a selfish little brat who's been up to God knows what."

"And who are you to _fucking_ judge me?" Ruthie yelled. Lucy's mouth dropped open and she covered her daughter's ears after that word had been uttered.

"Mommy what _bucking_?" Savannah asked with her ears still covered.

Lucy uncovered her daughter's ears and raised her finger at Ruthie, "Don't you _ever _use that language around my daughter or any other small children _ever _again! I didn't even know you _used _that language! I don't know who you were hanging out with in Scotland, but obviously they've taught you some wretched words."

"Oh come on," Ruthie rolled her eyes, "as if every other teenager in this freaking world doesn't use that language."

"Ruthie has a point," Mary agreed, "Savannah will hear worse once she goes to school. I work in a high school, I hear it everyday."

Lucy turned around and shot at Mary, "You don't have a problem your sister _swearing _that word in front of your children?"

Mary shrugged, "Not really. They'll hear it eventually, why not now?"

"I can't believe you people!" Lucy screamed. She handed Mary the baby she was holding and huffed down the stairs with Savannah.

Sarah was still standing there speechless looking back and forth between Mary and Ruthie. After Lucy had disappeared she took Noah from Ruthie's arm and said, "I don't want you speaking that language around my children either. I know that they'll hear it eventually—but, really, they don't need to now." She turned to Mary and bluntly said, "And Matt isn't perfect either." Afterward, she headed into Simon's old room, kicking the door shut. That left Mary and her daughters, Charlie, and Ruthie still standing in the hallway.

"I can't believe they're making such a big deal," Mary told Ruthie, "It's not that big of a deal."

"Mommy, I wanna pway with cuzzy Vannah!" Charlie cried. "You made Auntie Lucy mad and her take Vannah away." Tears were streaming down the little boy's eyes.

"Look what Lucy got me into!" Mary cried at Ruthie, "She needs to get a grip of her _perfect _self." _Looks like Mary and I agree on something, _Ruthie was surprised. She hadn't had much contact with Mary in about four years. Ever since she had married Carlos she had been more distant than ever. Even when they were younger, Mary had been her most distant sibling. Now that they were older, they were more distant than ever. It wasn't that Ruthie wouldn't _love _to get reconnected with her sister and nieces and nephew—it just felt _weird_, having been so far apart for so long.

After helping Mary put the twins down, Ruthie decided to break away and go downstairs to search for Martin. She ran into Sarah in the hallway, who gave her a snub look_, great, she's mad at me now too—which means Matt will say something to me later. _That was all she needed, Matt prying her brain to see what was _really _bothering her. She knew she couldn't hold out on Matt for much longer. Nonetheless, she had to tell somebody soon. She _knew _she needed to see a doctor, she needed to get prescribed to prenatal vitamins, and she needed to accept that she was going to be a mother.

Even though she appreciated Mary sticking up for her, she still knew Lucy was partially right. She had no right to place such words in her nieces and nephews' vocabulary so early in their lives. Ruthie had always been _against _swearing, but all of a sudden it seemed like nothing in her life mattered. Nothing she had once valued, matters. It was like her morals had vanished.

Ruthie didn't have to search for Martin; in fact, she didn't even have to make it past the staircase. She had stomped down the staircase only to come face to face with him again. "Martin," she mouthed.

"Ruthie," he repeated.

She came closer to him, "How are you?"

"I think I should be the one asking you that," Martin said, he wrapped his arms around her. _Am I dreaming? _She pinched herself_, ouch_. A rush of excitement raced through her veins. "Ruthie, I've been thinking."

"And?" she was still in his arms, she didn't want to push away—she was enjoying every minute of it.

"I think…I think maybe we should take things slowly," he told her, "I'm not saying there isn't a future for us—Sandy and I aren't living together, she's engaged to a doctor named Jonathan." _A doctor? What? _Ruthie gasped to herself_, why didn't anyone tell me? _He continued, "I still want to be part of Aaron's life, which bounds Sandy and me together forever—but since there _is _no future for our relationship—other than us being Aaron's parents. I want to be free to have other relationships."

She found herself pushing herself away, "Other relationships?"

"I mean, I want to find someone _I _can be with, obviously Aaron will never have a normal "Mom" and "Dad", and as much as I don't want someone else raising my son, I want someone who will be willing to accept _I am _a father," Martin told her.

_He is a father, _Ruthie thought_, I'm going to be a mother. _"Martin," she whispered, "can we go upstairs and talk? Just the two of us?" People were coming in and out of the house, most people were in the backyard—but she still felt like they had no privacy. _Privacy_ _is vital.  
_


	10. Puppy Love

Outside Heaven

Chapter 10

Puppy Love

* * *

_**Warning: This chapter contains sexual imagery in minor detail, I hope I don't cross any lines… this is the only chapter that I plan on going into such "detail."**_

She stared into his dazzling green eyes waiting for an answer. His expression showed uncertainty as he responded, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Ruthie shrugged and desperately attempted to convince him that it _was _a good idea. "I don't see how it's a bad idea, everyone's down here—nobody will miss us." She leaned closer to him, gazing into his darling fresh eyes.

He shrugged a little nervously, "Okay…" he paused and then added, "We're only going to talk—right?"

_Talk, sure. _"Yeah… talk, sure, I mean what else is there to do?" Ruthie shrugged agreeing with him as she tried to lure him upstairs. She had something _else _on her mind. Ruthie wanted to be _with _him. The only way to get him _with _her was for them to _talk_.

Martin still seemed unsure, but he agreed, "Alright. We can go talk." Ruthie smiled fiendishly to herself. _Here's my chance_. They pounced up the stairs only to run into Mary. _Crap, what is she doing up here? _Mary had said she was going to go downstairs with Charlie to _attempt _and make things "right" between her and Lucy so Charlie and Savannah could play. She wasn't supposed to be up here.

"Ruthie?" Mary seemed just as surprised to see her, "What are you and—Morgan, right—doing up here?"

"It's Martin," Martin corrected her quickly.

"I—ugh—was just showing Martin where the bathroom was," Ruthie told her sister_, she's not that stupid, _Ruthie realized. It was too late for her to change her excuse.

"Um, didn't Morgan—Martin I mean—live here? I think he knows where the bathroom is," Mary pointed out suspiciously.

"Yeah, well he didn't feel comfortable coming up here alone since he doesn't live here," Ruthie spat and questioned, "What are you doing up here? You're supposed to be making things right with Lucy."

Mary rolled her eyes, "Well, Savannah and Charlie are playing—Lucy's, well, Lucy. She thinks she's better than the rest of us. I felt out of place down there, so I came up to check on the babies." _She does come off as that, _Ruthie agreed to herself. She looked up at Martin, he seemed withdrawn and confused. "Anyway," Mary continued, "So Ruthie…I know I haven't exactly been there for you over the last few years, so I was thinking…maybe we should get reconnected, you know—bond a little." _Now she wants to be my friend—how convenient_. She added quickly, "I'm really, _really _sorry about calling you a selfish little brat. You're right. I have no right to judge you."

"Um, sure, how long are you and Carlos going to be here?" Ruthie asked her sister impatiently avoiding her apology. She wanted this conversation to end so she and Martin could move on upstairs unnoticed.

Mary let out a sigh, "Well, today technically was our last day of school…since Dad died they gave me to the end of the year off. Therefore, _I _don't have to go back anytime soon," she paused, "but Carlos has to be back to work by Monday."

"I see, so you guys are leaving Sunday evening?" Ruthie quickly jumped to a conclusion.

"Well, I was thinking…I haven't discussed this with Carlos yet, but maybe the kids and I could stay—I really do think you and I should spend some catching up," she rolled her eyes and let out a huff, "I don't know how much more of Lucy I can handle, but I guess I'll survive." Ruthie raised her eyebrows_, who is this and what has she done with my sister Mary? _ Mary turned her face slightly and curiously asked, "Did Matt and Sarah how long they're planning on staying?"

"No," Ruthie lied. She couldn't bring herself to betray Sarah even if she did _hate _her now. She added a bit rushed, "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

Mary raised her eyebrow, "No. Why? You seem in a hurry?"

"Uh, no, Martin and I were just going upstairs," Ruthie grabbed Martin's arm and started running up the stairs to her attic room_, shit…_ Ruthie had forgotten she had told Mary they were going to the bathroom.

"Wait a minute!" Mary called, but Ruthie kept dragging Martin. "I thought you said you two were going to the bathroom?" Ruthie ignored her and Mary called, "Fine. Whatever, it's none of my business—I was seventeen not too long ago you know."

"And you didn't like when people pried!" Ruthie yelled at her sister.

"You're right, I'll just go talk to Carlos…I won't say anything about whatever you're up to!" Mary yelled back. _She better not, _Ruthie sighed as she pushed the attic door shut and pushed Martin onto her bed. His confused callow eyes stared back at her.

"What was that?" he asked still looking a bit stunned.

"Nothing, nothing important," she whispered as she sat down next to him.

"Um, if that was nothing important…then why…why do I get the feeling you want to do more than just talk?" Martin stuttered.

"Maybe I do," Ruthie whispered as she edged closer to Martin. She brushed her body up against him and pushed him down so he was lying straight down on his back. Her lips touched his for the first time and a warm sensation filled her body. Suddenly she felt so sure of herself, as if she was given a sense of esteem she had never had.

Martin pushed her away, "What are you doing? We can't do this." He looked nervous. She touched his face and could feel his face starting to burn up like fire.

"Why not, Martin?" she asked calmly, "Why can't we do this?" She lied down next to him on her side ruffling his dark sweaty hair.

"B-because we can't, your father _and _boyfriend just died…" he spoke hesitantly, "I don't understand why you a-all of a sudden want t-to d-do this." Sweat was dripping from his face as his light green eyes gazed into hers.

"Why does it matter?" Ruthie leaned closer; she was so close to him that if she were to go any closer she would be lying directly on top of him.

"Practically every person you know in this world is downstairs!" Martin exclaimed, "A _baby _is being born right now."

"So?" Ruthie couldn't care less, "All I want is you." She pulled herself on top of him pushing him down as she seduced him with her hands traveling down his waist.

"A-and, we could take this slower…a lot slower," Martin spoke.

"Or we could take it a lot faster," Ruthie instigated as she placed her hands underneath his tuxedo jacket and unbuttoned the first one.

"O-or we c-could, I guess," Martin was unsure, "I-I really don't know about this."

"There is nothing to know about it," Ruthie whispered, "Do you love me?" He didn't respond, he seemed to be staring off into the distance at her door, as if he was waiting—or hoping—for someone to walk in. She asked again, "Do you love me?"

"What if your sister—Mary, isn't it—rats us out?" Martin asked beginning to shake a little.

"She won't," Ruthie promised smiling weakly and asked again leaning closer to his face, "Do you love me?"

"I-I don't know, I care about you…you were like a sister to me, now…"

"…And now?" Ruthie questioned suspiciously.

"I'm attracted to you," Martin said slowly, "but I have a son. I love him."

"You don't love his mother," Ruthie pointed, "or do you?"

"No!" Martin jolted, "I don't."

"So… what's wrong with us being _together_?" Ruthie indicated as she had unbuttoned the last button on his tuxedo. She started to pull it off of him and his bare chest showed.

"By together do you mean…?" Martin uneasily questioned.

"I mean what I mean," Ruthie smiled viciously and placed her lips on his again. "Come on, nobody will know."

"Why now?" Martin asked her again.

"Why not now?" Ruthie pushed back. "Why any other time?"

"It's just… I don't feel comfortable doing this with your entire family in the house…" Martin told her, "and I told myself after Sandy I would wait until I was married."

Ruthie was getting aggravated and annoyed with Martin's resistance of her. She spat at him, "How is Sandy different than me? Why her?"

"It's not like I _chose _to be with her!" he cried, "it just happened! Being with you would be a choice, a choice that we both would be making."

"What the hell!" Ruthie spat, "You _chose _to go home with her. You _chose _to sleep with her. There was nothing in that situation you didn't _choose_." Before he could answer her she threw herself at him. She began to undress his trousers. His hands started to tremble uneasily down her hips as they switched positions.

She laid on her back as they became connected as one. A feeling of invincibility lingered throughout her body_, nobody can hurt me now. _She opened her eyes to see Martin staring back at her, his tongue still connected to hers. Her thoughts raced, so fast she could not keep track of them. As she started to move her hand closer to his face, a loud ring coming from the telephone just a few inches away disrupted them.

Martin flinched off of her and out of her bed. "Crap," she heard him murmur.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"We didn't use a condom," he whispered, "I can't believe I just made that mistake twice."

"Oops," Ruthie whispered.

"What the hell, Ruthie? Do you want to get pregnant or something?" Martin demanded. Then his facial expression changed, as though he had reached an epiphany. He raised his finger, "You didn't just coerce me to sleep with you because you're pregnant with T-Bone's baby so you can frame me as the father?"

Her jaw dropped open. "N-no, why would I do that?" she asked twirling her hair, "That's crazy." _Crap, maybe he isn't as dim-witted as I thought he was, _Ruthie was worried.

"Okay. Good. Because…because…well…" he stammered as he pulled on his pants.

"Because…well, what?" Ruthie asked nervously, still twirling her curl.

"Because, well, I don't need another child!" he spat, "I'm nineteen years old."

Ruthie mouthed, "Okay." _The phone, _she thought_, maybe Patty Mary had her baby! _She reached for the phone to listen in on the line, listening in on phone conversations was one way she had gotten a lot of her information. She made sure to place a piece of paper over the receiver so the person on the other handset wouldn't hear her on the line.

"Well, why don't you put the phone on speaker and I'll let the new dad tell everyone," she heard Matt's voice come through the speaker. A beep sounded on the phone as whoever had answered the phone changed the phone settings to speaker phone.

"Hi everyone?" Robbie's soft voice came through her phone.

"Hi Robbie!" a crowd from downstairs greeted him.

"Well?" she heard her sister Lucy's voice.

"We had a boy! We thought it was a girl, but God gave us a son!" Robbie announced with excitement in his voice.

"Awwww!" lots of coos from downstairs could be heard from the speaker. Ruthie looked up and mouthed to Martin, _"Boy." _He shrugged back at her uncaringly.

"I'm leaving," he whispered, he was now fully dressed, though his hair was still a little shabby and his face was still bright red. She hoped he would take a few moments to go into the bathroom and tidy up a little before running downstairs to the crowd of people.

As he departed from the room, Ruthie heard Robbie announce the name, "We named him Camden Eric Palmer." _Camden Eric Palmer? _Ruthie hung the phone nearly fainting. _What a name! _There a baby boy out there with _her _last name. _Leave it to Robbie to name his son after our family, he loves us so much. _He loved them so much that he had the nerve to not even call _once _over the last four years. He had spread so much love by not sending a letter or giving some "note" to tell them he was alright. Of course, he had managed to get into their family—even if it was only by marriage. He had to have purposely run into Patty Mary. Ruthie didn't know how, but there had to be some _scam _somewhere along the lines that he had schemed up to "fall in love" with Patty Mary. Ruthie felt disgusted.

_This is Robbie I'm thinking about, _Ruthie reminded herself. _Robbie. _The Robbie that had been her "first" love. She remembered the first time she saw his dark coal _innocent _looking eyes. He had tricked her parents into letting him take Mary to a hotel. Yet, they graciously forgave him and took him in as a son. For two years he had become her fifth brother. _The same role Martin had played for almost two years as well, _Ruthie slammed her head into her pillow.

She couldn't believe she had just done to Martin what she had, but she had. There was no taking the past back. She couldn't take back what she had done with T-Bone or Martin. The past was the past and there was no reliving it. She couldn't take back that she had become a selfish rebel, that she had been led to make some _stupid _decisions. There was no getting her father back, he was gone. Forever. Most frightening of all, she couldn't take back the fact a living creature—a _baby_—was growing inside of her. Never again could she be the innocent little Ruthie Camden that had felt puppy love for Robbie Palmer.


	11. Facebook

Outside Heaven

Chapter 11

Facebook

Her sobs of tears bled through her purple pillow case. Lifting her head, she could see the round stain they had left behind. Slowly she reached for her laptop, which was sitting on her desk. She pulled it onto her lap, sitting up on her bed. Pulling the screen up, she pressed the button that turned it on, but the screen remained black_, crap, I forgot to charge it. _She fiddled for the cord to plug it into the wall.

After she had plugged it in accordingly, the laptop booted properly. She was prompt to open her internet browser and reach Yahoo's homepage to login and check her email. It wasn't a surprise to her when she saw her email flooded with Facebook notifications. When she had gone to Scotland, Peter had insisted she get a Facebook account so they could "keep in touch." Frankly, that plan had failed miserably because she had been so occupied in Scotland she hardly used the internet. She had only started using it _after _returning from Scotland to keep in touch with several of her friends back there.

She remembered when Lucy had—not invited—walked into her room and saw her chatting with one of her closest Scottish friends, Isobel. Lucy had gone mental, screaming about how dangerous social networking sites had been.

_ It was another depressing Friday night; her parents were home so Ruthie and T-Bone were keeping their distance. Even though her mother and father approved of their dating—they still were constantly snooping in on them. T-Bone and Ruthie had agreed to keep their distance while others were in the house. _

_ Ruthie had just settled down at her desk and had opted to sign in on Facebook—her new found communication tool. She had gone from just five friends: Peter, Martin, Meredith, Mac, and the Scottish boy she had met at Simon's wedding, Paul; to two hundred in just the last two weeks. After she left Scotland she had started getting invites like crazy. _

_ She had chuckled as she read Mac's latest status: "has made his job to put the 'fun' back in funeral." Had she known that in just a few short months her father would be dead, she would not have laughed as so._

_ Just minutes later she heard the "tick" sound that Facebook's chat made when a message was being received. She had been delighted to the message was from one of her newly added Facebook friends, and closest friend in Scotland, Isobel._

_**Isobel:**__ RUTHIE! OMG I MISS YOU SO MUCH!_

_Ruthie had smiled to herself, it felt good to be missed. She sprung her fingers against the keyboard and typed back to Isobel._

_**Ruthie: **__Hey Iso! I miss you too :( _

_ Before she could read Isobel's response, she was startled by the opening of her door. She slammed her laptop case shut, not turning the computer off, and twirled around to come face to face with her sister. "Oh! It's just you, why are you sneaking up behind me?" Ruthie felt relieved. She had feared it was T-Bone, he had already told her his feelings about Facebook. She only thought he didn't want her to have one because he knew she had Martin as a friend, for some reason he felt obligated to be jealous of Martin._

_ "What were you doing that you had to slam your laptop shut?" Lucy asked suspiciously. _

_ "Oh, nothing, just talking to a friend from Scotland," Ruthie told her sister, truthfully._

_ "Oh, is that so?" Lucy asked, as though she didn't believe her. She inched toward Ruthie's laptop and opened the case. Her fingers brought the laptop out of sleep mode, where she came face to face with Ruthie's Facebook account. The Facebook chat read:_

_**Isobel: **__so what's up?_

_**Isobel: **__Ruthie?_

_**Isobel: **__you still there?_

_**Isobel: **__I guess not, well I gotta go…cya!:)_

_ "Facebook!" Lucy had gasped. "Do you have any idea how dangerous Facebook is?" _

_ "It isn't dangerous!" Ruthie protested in shock. "I only have people I know on my friend's list and my information is private." _

_ "Right, how do you know that you know everyone? How do you know people aren't posing as your friends?" Lucy rolled her eyes._

_ "Because…because they have their pictures on their accounts!" Ruthie enlightened her sister in a rage. _

_"Do you have your picture on yours?" Lucy asked, but before Ruthie could answer Lucy was hovering the mouse over her "profile" picture and a picture she had taken a few weeks prior became visible. "I see that's my answer." Lucy's face showed anger as she had run out of the room in a rage, Ruthie following after her._

Lucy had told her parents about Ruthie's Facebook account, and shockingly, they had not reacted badly. Her mother, in fact, seemed _happy _that Ruthie was connecting with friends she had made in Scotland. Her father, naturally, was a little concerned. His exact words had been, "While I want you to be safe, I'm not going to discourage my daughter from communicating with friends." Nonetheless, he had made an account for himself so he could _monitor _Ruthie.

Lucy had been _disturbed _with her parents "lack of discipline" spitting that, "You would never have let _me _have a Facebook account!" and "Heck! I never got my _own _computer, or a cell phone!" She had immaturely stomped out of the house.

Ruthie soon found out that Lucy had called Matt in vengeance. She found out when Matt had tracked her down on Facebook and added her. He had told her had he known she had a Facebook account before, he would have added her ages ago. Facebook was so much more _convenient _for him than checking his email or voicemail. For awhile now he had been having Facebook text messages sent to his cell phone, so he would simply reply that way. Text messaging had opened a whole new revolution.

Lucy had become more irritated when she learned that Matt, Sarah, Mary, Carlos, _and _Simon all had Facebook accounts. In fact, Matt, Sarah, and Carlos's pages all had pictures from family events that involved _her_. Lucy went on a rage, "I didn't consent to any of these pictures being public!"

Facebook was still a sour subject to bring up around Lucy. Ruthie had _tried _to just let it pass, but every now and then Lucy would spit out, "I wonder who's putting this on Facebook right now!" Ruthie thought she was overreacting, even Kevin did. Kevin had reluctantly disabled his Facebook account after Lucy's outburst, never telling her the _truth _about him actually having one. Before, he had posted a multitude of pictures of Savannah, Lucy, and him for his friends back in Buffalo to see.

Ruthie stared at her wall point black. In the corner, she saw she had _75 _new notifications, plus a friend request. She clicked her friend request first, eager to see who it could be. Her mouth dropped when she saw the name: _Lynn Hamilton. _She had attached a message to her request:

"_Hey Ruthie! Long time no see :( you do remember me right? We used to play all the time when we were kids! Anyway I heard about your dad :( I'm so sorry, my whole family is coming to the funeral…I hope we see each other! It would be great to catch up :)"_

A linger of guilt trembled throughout her body. She wished she had acknowledged Lynn earlier, she wished she had ignored Martin. _Lynn isn't going to be a seventeen year old mother, though, _Ruthie sighed. She was beginning to envy all teenagers that weren't pregnant.

Ruthie accepted Lynn's request and migrated to her notifications. They all were for a multitude of people that had posted _something _on her wall. She clicked on her wall to see countless "I'm so sorry about your dad!" posts. A tear started to trickle down her face as the memory of her father's passing returned. _Why do people always say they're sorry for your loss? _Ruthie wondered_, don't they realize it only hurts more? _Only one who has lost someone could possibly understand how hard it did hurt when people constantly reminded you of your loss. Ruthie knew that _she _never understood this concept before.

None of her friends were online_; of course not, they're all here at the funeral. _All of her friends in Scotland would be asleep, it was about three in the morning over there. Ruthie shut down her computer and collapsed the cover. A languid feeling filled her body, suddenly she felt as if she couldn't lift a muscle. She lied back on her back, her laptop still in her hands. Lethargy had begun to take over her bodily functions. Grayness coiled over her visibility as she drifted away to a far, yet not so far away, place.

_She was swimming lost in a large body of water. An iceberg was in the distance; was she in the Atlantic Ocean? There was nothing in her line of sight except for the iceberg and lots and lots of water. A chilling sense lingered within her body, she suddenly felt very cold. She tried to swim to the iceberg, but she was too cold. Her body was confined and motionless._

Her nightmare was interrupted when she felt someone touching her face. She flinched awake, realizing she was in a cold sweat. Her eyes opened to see Matt leaning over her. _"Where's my laptop?" _she thought immediately, glancing down at her empty arms. Her heart started racing rapidly, but ceased when she saw her laptop safely sitting on the desk, _Matt must have moved it. _

"Oh. Hi, Matt," she greeted her brother calmly, glancing at the clock. It was nine o'clock_, he's had time to talk to Sarah. _

"Hi yourself," Matt smiled weakly sitting down on her bed, "I wouldn't have waken you, but you were tossing and turning quite rigidly, I hope you don't mind I took your laptop out of your arms, I was afraid you were going to end up throwing it across the room."

"Oh, no, it's okay," Ruthie said quickly. She was still wearing the dress she had been wearing when Martin had been _with _her. "Is anyone else still here?"

"Well, Aunt Julie, Hank, and their kids along with the Colonel and Grandma Ruth just left," Matt told her, "the Hamilton's are still here, Simon and Nigel have been doing some major catching up from what I can see, as have Mary and Keisha—Mary and Lucy aren't talking, which I'm sure you know all about; Ben along with his and Kevin's mother are down there too, they're camping out at Lucy's and Kevin's tonight but have to leave pretty early tomorrow morning, and Roxanne and Chandler are still here … otherwise, everyone else started to leave when I got here about an hour ago."

"What about Robbie?" Ruthie asked curiously.

"He's staying with his wife and new son at the hospital. If all is well they should both be released tomorrow." He placed his finger on his chin and added, "That reminds me, Lynn says she's been looking for you all day. Mom's really concerned about you."

"How did you know I was up here?" Ruthie asked_, he didn't say Martin was still here. _

"You weren't anywhere else, and this is your room," Matt raised his eyebrows, "We aren't as ill-minded as you seem to think we are, even if we are your family." _He's talked to Sarah, that's for sure, _Ruthie sighed. He extended a sigh of his own, "Yes, I've spoken with my wife…and yes, I agree with her. I don't want you swearing around my children."

"Sorry, I was just broken from my sleep cycle, I'm not up for a lecture, please and thank you," Ruthie told him sharply and added, "By the way, I think Lucy lectured me plenty well enough."

"Speaking of Lucy, I hear Mary thinks that Lucy and I are perfect," Matt laughed caustically. "That's funny, really funny." She gave him an exasperated look. He quit laughing and told her, "I'm not saying Lucy lecturing you the way she did was right."

Ruthie raised her eyebrows, "Oh."

"It wasn't right for her to make a big scene in front of the children, I mean, sure no parent wants their two year old going around saying the word you said, but making a scene in front of the little ones didn't help matters," Matt told her.

"It's like she thinks she's superior to the world," Ruthie muttered.

"Ruthie, she doesn't," Matt told her, "you and I both know Lucy is just insecure about who she is, that's why she _tries _to act like she's superior."

"So you're saying I'm supposed to treat her like she's superior so she'll quit acting like she's superior?" Ruthie rolled her eyes at her brother.

"No," Matt said slowly, "I'm trying to say to give Lucy a little lean-way, she has a lot on her plate right now being pregnant, losing her father, and now she wants to take Dad's position as minister at the church." _As if I don't have more on my plate! _Ruthie cried_, I can't keep this to myself much longer, I have to tell him. Matt can help me. It would be nice to have him on my side—wait—what if he doesn't help me? What if he tells me that I fucked myself up and dumps me to the side? _Matt wouldn't do that_, would he? _He had always been there for her, she couldn't imagine him turning on her now.

"Matt, I need to tell you something," Ruthie said slowly. "Something that has been bothering me."

"Oh?" Matt questioned, "You know, Ruthie, I'm always here for you. No matter what, I'll help you."

"I-I…" Ruthie stuttered_, here goes_, "I-I don't have an eating disorder, I overheard you and Sarah talking earlier." _I can't. I can't do this. _

Matt's jaw dropped, "Oh, well, that's a relief—I mean, I never thought you had an eating disorder. Surely you heard me tell Sarah that, but that's great." He wrapped his arm around her, "I was afraid you were going to tell me you had a STD or were pregnant." Ruthie's heart sunk_, ugh. _"Sarah and Kevin are really concerned about you, is there anything else going on?" _I could tell him, _she thought_, not yet, not until after my father is buried. _

"No, nothing, that's all—I felt uncomfortable around Sarah today knowing she thought I had an eating disorder, that's all," Ruthie told her brother attempting to come off as sincere.

"Oh, well that's good," Matt smiled, "Anyway, there is something else I wanted to run past you…I haven't ran it past anyone else yet, so you're the first."

"What's that?" Ruthie smiled weakly, "I'm always the first to know all your secrets." _He doesn't know I know about Sarah, him, and the boys moving back yet, _Ruthie reminded herself as she bit her lip.

"I guess you do," Matt grinned, "but this isn't really a secret."

"Oh, okay, well what's up?" Ruthie asked curiously.

"Well, I was thinking—I know you, Mary, and Lucy are at odds—"

"—Mary and I are fine, at least I think we are…we talked," Ruthie corrected.

"Oh, well, anyway, I was thinking: what do you think about the five of us _original _Camden kids having an outing? No spouses, no kids, no Sam and David. Just you, Mary, Lucy, Simon, and me," Matt ran past her. Ruthie's eyes widened_, that could be good or bad…_ She could just see all five of them hanging out at one of their favorite places as teenagers, per say the Pool Hall. All five of them would sit at the corner table eating burgers, then suddenly Mary would make a comment about how she raised her children and Lucy would snap at her about "what bad idea that was." She shuddered.

"Um, I don't know if that's such a great idea, I mean, in a perfect ideology it would be fun—but, I don't know," Ruthie sighed, "I would go, heck, who doesn't love a little added drama in their life?"

Matt chuckled, "You act like our family is some sort of television show."

"Sometimes I feel like there are cameras following us everywhere," Ruthie stated, "I bet we would receive number one ratings on a network."

Matt laughed, "Well, maybe when Simon's a successful film director he'll create a show based off our family."

Ruthie laughed while also rolling her eyes, "Wouldn't that be funny?" _Simon, where are he and Cecilia staying? _She wondered. There was no room left in the house. Grandma Ruth and the Colonel were staying with Aunt Julie and Hank; that took their final room. "Where are Simon and Cecilia staying?"

"Well," Matt started, "Mom offered him the garage apartment, but he declined. He said he and Cecilia would rather go find a hotel tonight, the Hamilton's are staying in a hotel tonight too. He wants to spend the night hanging out with Nigel I suppose."

"I see," Ruthie said.

"You really should come downstairs, Lynn looked really disappointed when she couldn't find you earlier," Matt insisted.

"I guess I should," Ruthie sighed, "It would only be right, after all…oh, you said Roxanne and Chandler were here?"

Matt shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I never knew them very well, I think I only met them like twice…Lucy's wedding and that one time Sarah and I were fighting."

"I don't suppose you'll have any idea about-."

"Absolutely no idea," Matt cut in, placing his hand on Ruthie's shoulder. "Only way you can find out is by going downstairs."

She felt like she was slipping, it was like she no longer knew anything about anything going on in this house. There was a time she felt like she knew everything, _felt _being the key word. The world around her was changing quickly as she evolved into womanhood. Yet, she still felt like a little girl. It was funny, it wasn't that long ago she was begging people to treat her like she was "all grown up." Now, she just wanted to be a little kid again.


	12. Innocence

Outside Heaven

Chapter 12

Innocence

Those moments she spent walking down the stairs behind Matt seemed to be a few of the most perplexing moments she had spent during her short life time. It felt quaint to _know _people had been talking about her. It was even more whimsical knowing she didn't _know _what they had been saying about her. She wouldn't dare ask either, for if she asked they would _know _she had something to hide.

As they reached the top of the staircase that led into the living room Sarah _magically _appeared. "There you are, Ruthie," Ruthie was frightened at first as she turned around and was head-to-head with her sister-in-law. Matt turned around and gave his wife a peck on the lips. "I was just putting Jake and Noah down, Mary really should bring the girls up to bed too; they shouldn't be up this late."

"The burial is at nine in the morning tomorrow, we don't need cranky babies at the gravesite," Matt agreed with one arm around Sarah.

Sarah broke loose from Matt's clinging grip and came closer to Ruthie. "Ruthie, I am so sorry if I came off as rude or blunt with you earlier," she apologized, "I'm not angry with you, I was little upset earlier, but I'm over it. You don't cuss a lot, and after what Mary said I guess I shouldn't blame you for going off on her, I almost did myself."

"Yeah…I'm sorry I did it in front of the children," Ruthie apologized sincerely. She truly did mean it. Sarah gave her a warm hug and the three of them proceeded downstairs into the living room.

The living room was crowded with people; Mary and Simon were sitting on the couch across from two people Ruthie had not seen in quite some time. She recognized them as Nigel and Keisha. Ruthie wouldn't have recognized Nigel if he didn't still wear those same-shaped glasses he had always worn as a child. Keisha, on the other hand, had not changed at all. She looked practically the same she had at sixteen. Ruthie scoped the room for Lynn, but did not see her.

On the couch, between Nigel and Keisha, a very pale freckled red haired man sat. Ruthie didn't recognize him, but he had his arm around Keisha. Ruthie assumed this was either her husband, boyfriend, or fiancé. The man held a small sleepy mulatto girl. She was a little bigger than Crissy and Jenny.

John Hamilton, Matt's college roommate until he ran off and got married, sat on the chair with a light-dark skinned woman, presumably Priscilla. Ruthie had never met Priscilla, but she had heard plenty about her from Matt. Back then, Matt spoke jealously of her—even though he _did _admit that Priscilla and John were perfect for each other.

A comforter sized blanket had been laid on the floor. Charlie and Savannah were passed out on their stomachs lying next to each other. Two small dark children Ruthie did not recognize were lying next to them. Both little girls' hairs were braided with pretty beads. The first one, on Charlie's right, was about the same size as him. The little girl next to her was a little smaller than Savannah.

Everyone else Matt had mentioned appeared nowhere in sight. Ruthie was somewhat disappointed. Part of her whole reason of coming downstairs was to find out why Roxanne and Chandler were back. The other reason was because she felt guilty for snubbing off Lynn. Ruthie was most shocked to see that Kevin and Lucy were nowhere in sight. It wasn't entirely like them to just leave Savannah sleeping there at night.

"There you are, Ruthie," Mary whispered. "Everyone else is in the kitchen, in case you're wondering."

"Where are your other children?" Sarah suddenly asked, she sounded a little irritated with Mary for abandoning them.

"Oh, Carlos is giving them a late night snack," Mary informed them, "They were hungry."

"Don't you think they should be in bed?" Sarah questioned. "I mean, it is like nine-thirty, and the burial is at nine tomorrow, and I don't know about you…but it takes us a good two hours to get our kids ready."

"Hey, they took a long nap this afternoon," Mary shrugged and added, "I have enough of my _own _sister telling me how to parent my children. I don't need you too, Sarah. Thanks, but I've been a mother a hell of a lot longer than either of you." _Only one year longer than Lucy, _Ruthie thought. She actually found it quite amusing that Sarah and Mary were at odds. Mary added, "It would be nice to have a sister that was actually _on my side_." She glared at Ruthie.

"Hey, don't bring Ruthie into this!" Sarah asserted. Mary sprung off the couch coming toward Sarah viciously.

"She's _my _sister!" Mary cried raising her finger at Sarah, "I'll bring her into this if I want. You're just—."

Matt pulled Mary away from his wife, "Let's _not _do this, we have company, this is not the time or the place to start your little…arguments."

"She started it!" cried Mary, still being held back by Matt.

"What are you, twelve?" Sarah spat. Cries came from the comforter; they had woken up the little ones. Priscilla sprung out of John's lap, grabbing and picked up the smallest girl.

"It's okay Sadie, sweetie," she soothed her daughter while snuggling her.

"Look what you did!" Mary spat at Sarah, who just rolled her eyes at Mary's immaturity.

"I'm sorry, guys," Sarah turned in sincerity to the Hamilton's.

"It's okay," Keisha insisted, taking the little fidgeting girl out of the red haired guy's arms. "It's late; we probably should be getting checked into a hotel."

"Wait! You haven't introduced me to everyone, yet!" Ruthie insisted. "And Lynn, I want to see Lynn."

"You should have been down here earlier," Simon insisted, "Where were you, anyway?"

"Yeah, where were you, Ruthie?" Mary asked suspiciously._ God, don't let her rat me out, _Ruthie prayed_, it isn't my fault Sarah decided to call her out for her parenting habits. _

"I went upstairs and I fell asleep," Ruthie spoke truthfully.

"Oh, did you hear that?" Mary asked, "She was upstairs and fell asleep."

"She was sleeping when I went up to talk to her," Matt confirmed. _Oh, I love you Matt, _Ruthie thought.

"I see," Mary said, "Surely she wasn't sleeping _all _afternoon."

"Does it really matter?" Simon suddenly butted in. "It seems like to me that all you want to do is fight with someone today, Mary. I mean, really, if all you're here to do is fight—why even come?"

"Excuse me!" Mary cried. "My _father _just died!"

"And ours didn't?" Matt, Ruthie, and Simon all said at the same time.

"Really, quit being so self-conceited, Mary," Simon said in a serious, mature voice. Ruthie hadn't realized how much her closest brother had grown up. He had acquired a "manly" tone to his voice. Marrying Cecilia truly had been for his best interest. She brought out the best in him, which was inscribed on his wedding band.

Mary huffed, rolled her eyes, and ran over to her son and picked him up. She turned to her siblings and huffed, "I don't need this. At a time like this we really shouldn't be turning on each other. We should be supporting each other." She ran out of the room and stomped up the stairs.

"Cuzzy!" Savannah was in tears. "Mommy, Daddy!" Poor little Savannah started bawling for her mother and father. Ruthie, feeling for her niece, headed over and picked up Savannah.

"It's going to be okay, sweetie," she told her niece.

"Me want Mommy!" cried Savannah. "Auntie Mary meanie! Take cuzzy bye bye!" Ruthie sighed, and closed her eyes. She felt bad for the little ones. It wasn't fair to them to be around the house in this chaotic situation. If Ruthie was a social worker and had walked in on this situation this evening, she would have taken them all away.

Ruthie had actually been considering social work as a major, though had still been undecided. She wasn't sure how well she would be at taking others' children away. Though, she felt horrible for the children whose parents didn't care for them like they should. Psychology had been her other choice of major. She figured she would be good at listening to others problems and giving them advice. Of course, she could give better advice than some other therapists. None of it mattered now. She wouldn't go to college, or more like: she couldn't.

"Kevin and Lucy are in the kitchen with everyone else," Simon told her.

"Lynn's in there too," Nigel added, "She's been dying to see you, Ruthie."

"Okay, thanks. I'll take Savannah to Kev and Luce," Ruthie said as she rushed through the kitchen doors. She wasn't looking forward to seeing her sister; it was like she had lost all faith in all of her sisters. There was still Cecilia; she wasn't involved in on all this drama. Ruthie was still in shock that _Sarah _was butting in on all of this. Ruthie had found out today she didn't know Sarah as well as she thought she had.

She entered the kitchen to find her mom, Cecilia, Roxanne, Chandler, Jeffrey, Lynn, and Carlos with his daughters—no Lucy and Kevin or Ben and their mother. Savannah still had tears rolling down her red face as they entered, which resulted in Annie running over to Ruthie and Savannah, "Aww, what's wrong sweetie?"

"Auntie Mary meanie. Took cuzzy bye-bye," Savannah cried to her grandmother.

Annie stared at her daughter in confusion and asked in a series, "What do does she mean by that? What happened?"

Ruthie rolled her eyes, "Oh, Mary's being Mary, that's all. Savannah was crying for Kevin and Lucy—where are they?"

Carlos raised his eyebrows at the mention of his wife, he shifted and lifted both of his daughters high on his shoulders and informed them, "I'll go see what's up with my wife." He departed from the kitchen.

"Oh, Kevin and Lucy just took Ben and Karen's stuff over to their house so they could settle in," Annie enlightened her as she cuddled Savannah, who ceased in her tears and seemed to be falling asleep.

"Ruthie!" Lynn cried her name in a surprised manner. "I can't believe it's you!"

Ruthie smiled ineptly, "Yeah, I can't believe it's you either. It's been so long."

"I know. I can't believe we just lost touch like that. I feel bad for not calling you or anything over the years," Lynn sighed.

"It's not all on you," Ruthie told her old friend, "I could have called too, sorry about that."

"It's okay, we've both been living busy lives," Lynn laughed, "We moved to New York State about two years ago."

"Really?" Ruthie was shocked, she hadn't heard that. She knew that Lynn's parents had been over here a few years ago—well, it had been four years ago now. Time flew so fast. Ruthie didn't know where the time had evaporated to.

"Yeah, well, John and Priscilla moved out there after they got married. Then Keisha went and visited him, that's where she met her husband Neil, a law student at Harvard at the time—he graduated last spring," Lynn told her. Ruthie found herself laughing to herself_; Mary made a fool of herself in front of a lawyer. _Lynn continued, "After John and Priscilla's oldest daughter Vanessa was born, our parents wanted move out there to be closer to them, and Nigel graduates from NYU next spring now."

"So, how do you like New York?" Ruthie asked; then remembered _Roxanne and Chandler_; she still had her mission to find out why they were back in Glen Oak.

"Eh, it's okay. There are a lot more kids there; my high school is like ten times the size as it was here," Lynn laughed and added, "Plus a lot more diverse! There are kids from like every country you can imagine there!" Lynn hadn't gone to Kennedy High School like Ruthie and her siblings. The Hamilton's had gone to the high school on the other side of town where most of the African American students attended.

"Boyfriend?" Ruthie added quickly, making eye contact with Chandler for the first time since she had entered the kitchen.

"Just broke up with one," Lynn sighed, "He was a real jerk." _Jerk. That's territory I know really well, _Ruthie sighed; Martin. She loved him dearly, but she knew what a jerk he could be. He didn't intend on it, he was so oblivious to his actions. Martin had just abandoned her earlier, and now he was just gone. She didn't know where he was or if he would be coming to the burial tomorrow. Part of her hoped he did, the other part hoped he didn't. She wanted to be _his_, but she could feel the awkwardness of them being together after how he had abandoned her.

Ruthie focused her attention to Chandler and Roxanne, "So, why are you two back here?" she added quickly pointing at Chandler, "I thought you were with that Kendall chick in Pennsylvania," then pointed to Roxanne, "and you were in Iraq."

Roxanne's right arm was still in a sling, Chandler had one arm around her as Roxanne started, "Well, I was in Iraq for a year…until I got shot five times by one of our own."

"What? You got shot by an American?" Ruthie reacted sharply. _Five times. She survived five shots. _Ruthie shuttered at the thought of being shot once.

Roxanne laughed a little, "Yeah, he didn't know the gun was loaded and…well, it's a _long _story, I'd rather not go into big detail. Anyway, I was actually in a coma for about two months, they didn't think I would wake up. Then, to everyone's surprise—I woke up, they transported me back to the United States and I stayed in a hospital out East…I was still really weak…"

"…and in the meantime," Chandler cut in, "Kendall and I had just broken up, she was…uh, definitely not the one, yet I was still the minister of a church out there, so Jeffrey and I lived alone in a small apartment. The church didn't want to give me their sanctuary because they thought it was silly to waste a big house on just two people, so they gave the house to a large poor family."

"Anyway, when I started to regain my strength, Chandler was the first person who had come to mind. My dad had flown out to the base out there to stay with me and…well, all I could think about was Chandler, so…well, I had him called," Roxanne said.

"I was shocked," Chandler laughed, "I was really scared when I heard she was in the hospital, so I drove four hours to be with her."

"I was released about two weeks ago; then we received word of—." Roxanne stopped as she saw everyone's faces frowning.

"Well, that's a really, really, interesting story," Ruthie commented.

"I think we were meant to be together," Roxanne smiled as she gave Chandler a kiss. Ruthie noticed the small ring on her left ring finger. _Looks like Roxanne finally decided to make a commitment, _Ruthie noted. She had heard Kevin talking to Lucy about how Roxanne wasn't ready for a _commitment_.

"So, where are you guys staying?" Ruthie directed at Roxanne and Chandler.

"Oh, your mother has graciously offered us to stay in the garage apartment," Roxanne smiled. _The garage apartment? _Ruthie was in shock. Just a few short years ago when they had been staying at a cabin on a lake; they weren't even allowed to sleep in a _room _together while the rest of the family was there. More less an entire _apartment_. Then again, those were her father's ways. How things had changed now that her father was gone.

They were disrupted when Keisha, holding her half awake daughter, abruptly walked in, "Lynn, Mom and Dad say it's time to go." _Morgan and Patricia, _Ruthie realized she hadn't seen them. Obviously, they were around.

"That's Keisha's daughter, Nevaeh, she's such a doll," Lynn whispered to Ruthie then turned to her sister, "I don't want to go! I just became reunited with Ruthie after many years!"

"We've been here all day, obviously if Ruthie wanted to reunite with you, she could have, but she didn't, we have to let the Camden's have their space," Keisha told her sister.

Annie stepped in, "Well, Ruthie has an extra bed in the attic, I'm sure Ruthie wouldn't mind if Lynn spent the night." _That's a great idea, _Ruthie thought. For some reason, she didn't feel like being alone in the attic tonight. She had this eerie feeling that somebody was watching her_, my father, he's watching, he's going to swoop down and haunt me the rest of my life. _

Keisha shrugged looking at her sister, "Well you'll have to ask Mom and Dad, not me. They're in the living room now."

Lynn and Ruthie followed Keisha and Nevaeh into the living room. They passed Simon who was heading toward the kitchen. He gave Ruthie a hug and told her, "I'll see you tomorrow, Cecilia and I are going to leave with the Hamilton's, and remember, I love you."

Ruthie smiled, "I love you too, Simon. I'm sorry about our phone conversation yesterday."

"Hey, no hard feelings," Simon smiled and continued into the kitchen.

The Hamilton's and Matt were all that remained in the living room. They were all beginning to migrate towards the front door. Matt was telling John, "It's so nice to see you after so long," he then joked, "Facebook isn't sufficient always when it comes to catching up." All of the Hamilton's laughed at Matt's Facebook reference.

Lynn whispered in Ruthie's ear, "The little one is John and Priscilla's eighteen month old daughter, Sadie. The older one is their oldest Vanessa, but we call her Nessie, she's three."

"There you are Lynn, say goodbye to Ruthie; we really should get going if we're going to get checked in a hotel," Patricia told her daughter.

"Actually," Lynn started, "Mrs. Camden invited me to spend the night with Ruthie, you know, so we could spend some time catching up." She smiled at Ruthie, who smiled back in agreement.

"Oh," Patricia seemed uneasy as she turned to her husband, "is that a good idea? What do you think, Morgan?"

"I think if our daughter wants to spend some time catching up with an old friend, we shouldn't stop her. Sure, honey, you can spend the night, just as long as Annie said it was alright."

"She did," Ruthie insisted, "my mom is fine with it. Besides, we're used to having guests in the house."

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with that, sure," Morgan patted his daughter on the shoulder, "You girls have a fun night, we'll see you tomorrow then." Lynn grabbed her bag out of their car and the rest of the Hamilton's departed, shortly followed by Simon and Cecilia.

Ruthie's eagerness to catch up with Lynn had _almost _made her forget the issues she was standing up against. She felt like she was living in a flash from the past. A flash from her childhood innocence. Maybe she could go back; maybe she could be innocent again. Perhaps she had been wrong all along. _Only temporarily. _

_This innocence is brilliant  
I hope that it will stay  
This moment is perfect  
Please don't go away  
I need you now  
And I'll hold on to it  
Don't you let it pass you by_

**- Avril Lavigne - "Innocence"**

_

* * *

_

I love reviews. :]

Oh, I didn't know Ben and Kevin's mom's name, but I've read several stories that named her "Karen", so… that's where I got that. xD


	13. Bad Girl

Outside Heaven

Chapter 13

Bad Girl

That night was the greatest time Ruthie had had in quite some time. Lynn and she had stayed up past midnight just talking. They talked about everything; boys, siblings, school, parents, and just life in general. Ruthie had forgotten how much she and Lynn actually had in common. None of her other friends shared as many common interests as the two of them did. It had to be because they were both daughters of preachers _and _the youngest daughters.

Lynn had told her that she and Keisha had their share of quarrels, just as she did with Lucy and Mary. She had explained Keisha had run off to live with Neil for a whole two years before they followed them to New York. Lynn said she felt abandoned, being left with Nigel and her parents. Then, Nigel had headed off to NYU to be closer to John and Keisha – leaving her the _only _child in the house. At first, she felt an amazing sense of independence, then she said she felt lonely. After always having someone to quarrel with or intrude on your privacy, independence took a lot of adjusting to.

She had told Ruthie she was _fortunate _to have younger brothers to share the house with. Lynn said she wished that her parents had had another child after her, so she could have someone to boss around after having been bossed around her entire life. Ruthie felt completely different. She loved Sam and David, but really, she felt they could be little menaces. Ruthie thought she wouldn't have been upset at all if she had been the only child left. _Just think of how much fun I could have had… _or how much trouble she could have gotten into. Maybe it _was _a good thing she had little brothers that she had to role model for.

_Some role model I am, _Ruthie sighed to herself. She had thought about telling Lynn all about her situation, but she held back. It wasn't right for her to bring the weight of her problems to an old friend whom she hadn't seen in over ten years. Lynn didn't need to know that she was a _bad girl_.

After the lights had finally gone out and Ruthie drifted off to sleep, she recalled nothing but pitch blackness. When she opened her eyes six hours later, she held no memory of dreams from the night before. It was six-thirty and Ruthie could feel nausea coming on again. Ruthie wondered if it was going to be like this from the next nine months, if so, she wasn't sure how much more she could handle. If Sarah heard her downstairs purging again, surely, she would _know _something was up. Since Ruthie had told Matt she didn't have an eating disorder, she _knew _they would jump to the correct conclusion. They weren't idiots, no matter how much she wished they were at times.

She left Lynn asleep and ran into the bathroom to fill up one of the plastic cups with water and started to gulp it down_, I haven't well eaten in three days, _she realized. Yesterday, she hadn't eaten _anything_ other than a couple bites of that…whatever it was. Her stomach ached, and her head was spinning in lightheadedness_, I need to eat…but then again, the less I eat the less I'll show. _She knew it wasn't good for her or the _thing _inside of her not to eat.

Ruthie made her way into the kitchen for the second morning in the row, this time she seemed to go unnoticed. She opened the refrigerator looking for something to eat, she wasn't in the mood for cereal—she wanted something _real_. Her eyes nearly melted when she saw a leftover hotdog wrapped under foil. She grabbed it viciously and warmed it up in the microwave.

Just as she was juicing her hotdog up with some ketchup and mustard she was startled by, "Why are you eating a hotdog for breakfast?" She spun around in shock to see her twin brothers along with their mother standing there.

"I was just coming down to make the boys some pancakes," her mother told her. _What a convenient time for that, _Ruthie thought. Her mother's expression changed to curiosity as she asked, "You're eating a _hotdog _for breakfast?"

Ruthie shrugged, "I was hungry and I wanted something hot, had I known you were making breakfast—since you haven't done that in days—I would have waited." She put the ketchup and mustard away and took her hotdog over to the table and started sinking her teeth into the delicious warm meat. Somehow, she had forgotten how amazing a _warm _meal tasted.

The smell of pancakes and bacon filled Ruthie's nostrils. As the boys started carrying their plates over to the table, Ruthie took her empty crumb-filled plate over to the sink to rinse out.

Just as she started rinsing the crumbs off the plate; Kevin, holding Savannah, Lucy, Ben, and Karen all walked in. Ben had a large suitcase in arm; he seemed to think he was being all buff. "Hey Ruthie, how are you? I hardly saw you at all yesterday," Ben dropped the suitcase and came over and wrapped his arm around her.

Ruthie gave Lucy a smug look, whom rolled her eyes right back at her. She turned to Ben and sighed, "I'm holding up."

"Where were you yesterday?" Kevin asked suspiciously.

"Oh," Ruthie spoke softly, "I went upstairs and fell asleep."

"That's surely a lot of hours of sleep," Kevin commented, "Are you ill?"

"Um, no, I've just been feeling sort of depressed," Ruthie said quickly. She realized she was getting worse at this _lying _and _covering up _thing. It wasn't going to be long before she ended up cracking.

"I could give you some anti-depressants," Ben volunteered. Everyone stared at him abruptly. He shrugged, "Hey, I take them—nothing is wrong with taking anti-depressants. I need them after not having had a girlfriend for so long." An immense silence followed as they all stared back and forth at each other in equity.

Savannah broke the silence by crying, "Hungy!"

"Aww, would Vannah like some pancakes?" Annie cooed at her granddaughter.

"Me like pancake!" Savannah cried getting all enthused.

"Where's Lynn?" her mother suddenly asked turning to Ruthie. "She did stay the night, or am I having hallucinations?"

"Oh, she was still asleep," Ruthie told her mother, "I'll go get her." She ran out of the kitchen, but was followed by Ben.

"Hey Ruthie, I just wanted to say goodbye, Mom and I have to catch the eight o'clock flight—I have to be work by three," Ben told her. He gave her a hug, "I'll see you next time I get a day off, whenever that is."

She gave Ben a hug back, "Bye, see you then." Ruthie felt iniquitous for not spending more time with her family and friends while they were here. It wasn't that often she got to see all the people that showed up for her father's funeral. She was reminded of Matt's speech during the funeral. _Funerals are the only time people together, basically. _Funerals and weddings—and one could argue a wedding _was _like a funeral. Ruthie wasn't sure she ever wanted to get married. Since she had already had sex, she didn't see the point. _Well, that didn't stop Simon. _Nor did it stop her other siblings _if _they had. She thought it would be amusing and hypocritical if Lucy had, she preached abstinence so thoroughly.

When she made her way to the stairway, she encountered Matt and Lynn walking down the stairs. Lynn was wearing black gauchos and a burgundy blouse. Matt, on the other hand, was still in his pajamas. "There you are!" Lynn exclaimed. "I wondered where you went."

"Yeah, I came downstairs for some breakfast," Ruthie said swiftly and turned to her brother, "Where are Sarah and the boys?"

"Sarah's giving the boys a bath," Matt told her and added quickly, "She likes to do that herself. She's very _picky _about the way they're bathed."

"I see," Ruthie said slowly.

"Anyway, I was just coming down to grab some breakfast myself…" Matt schlepped towards the kitchen.

"You're in luck," Ruthie told him, "Mom's making pancakes."

"Great!" Matt called as he started to move towards the kitchen hurriedly.

"Mmm, pancakes," Lynn commented.

"I already ate," Ruthie said. "You're welcome to go have some, though. I have to go get ready."

"Alright then," Lynn said as she started to move toward the kitchen.

Ruthie made a whole one run to the attic. She managed to not run into anyone again, surprisingly. Quickly, she brushed through her closet looking for something to wear; she came across a black and white striped dress. _That will do. _She wasn't sure exactly how _dressed _up she was expected to be. This wasn't the funeral, after all. It was just the burial. Usually the burial was right after the funeral anyway.

After she put on a little blush for a decent complexion, still laying off on the mascara and eyeliner for crying purposes, she headed downstairs. Kevin and Lucy with Savannah were sitting in the living room across from their mother. Kevin was wearing a black tuxedo suit and Lucy a black dress similar to the one she had worn yesterday. _Savannah _on the other hand was wearing a pretty _pink _dress. She definitely stood out. Ruthie could guess that she had demanded to wear a _pink dress _as she had yesterday, Lucy liked to spoil her in anyway possible and gave into whatever she wanted.

"There you are, Ruthie," her mother smiled weakly, "Any chance you ran into Matt or Mary or Sarah or Carlos upstairs?" Actually, she hadn't.

"No," Ruthie told her mom, "but I can see if they're ready." She started heading back upstairs, before her mother could respond. As she approached the room Matt and Sarah were staying she heard voices.

"I don't care what you think Sarah, I'll parent my children the way I want to! I'm their mother!" Mary's voice was yelling.

"I'm not telling you how to parent your children," Sarah said slowly, "I was simply suggesting you dress them up a little."

"This isn't the funeral!" Mary cried. "It's only the burial! They were dressed up plenty yesterday."

"I was just suggesting something _a little _nicer than a T-shirt, but whatever, it's impossible to suggest anything to you without you blowing up," Sarah huffed.

Ruthie leaned her eat up against Mary and Carlos's room, she could hear voices from there too. "I'm surprised with Sarah," Matt was telling Carlos, "Usually I'm the only one she fights with."

Carlos chuckled, "Well, it is Mary, she fights with anyone. You can't tell that woman anything. Nada. Ella está muy obstinada."

Matt laughed back, "That's true. You should have grown up with her."

Ruthie lifted her fist and knocked on the door quietly. Seconds later Matt opened the door, he had cleaned up quite nicely and was wearing a black tux. "Hey Ruthie," he greeted her. She entered the room to find Charlie, Crissy, Jenny, Jacob, and Noah all sitting on the big bed in the room. Jacob and Noah were wearing little tuxes, while Charlie, Crissy, and Jenny were dressed rather casually. Charlie had a blue and orange _Mets_ T-shirt on. _At least they're not in with Sarah and Mary, _Ruthie thought to herself. She remembered that Matt was against fighting in front of the children.

"Mom wants to know if you guys are ready," Ruthie told them slowly.

"Oh, we're ready, Mary and Sarah… on the other hand," Matt laughed and added, "I don't see why Sarah's arguing with Mary about how the kids are dressed. At Jewish funerals they allow children to go casually." Ruthie raised her eyebrow, it sounded like Sarah definitely just wanted to pick a fight with Mary. "Yeah," Matt saw her expression and turned to Carlos, "so, ready to go round up the wives?"

"Ready as I'll ever be," Carlos indicated, "Ruthie, you'll watch the kids, right?"

"Yeah, no problem," Ruthie smiled wryly sitting on the bed next to Charlie.

After Matt and Carlos left, Charlie asked Ruthie, "Why does Aunt Sawah hate my mommy?"

Ruthie's mouth dropped open, she was shocked at Charlie's use of the word _hate_, and assured him, "She doesn't." She didn't want to badmouth either Sarah or Mary in front of the little ones, she knew she had to be careful with her choice of words. "They just don't agree on some things, that's all."

"Why not?" Charlie asked closely, climbing on Ruthie's lap.

"Sometimes grown ups don't always agree," Ruthie explained to her nephew, "Sometimes kids don't agree, people just don't agree on everything."

"My mommy and daddy don't agwee on a lot of things either," Charlie declared, "they fight too." _I'm sure they do, _Ruthie thought. Mary had never been the most _open-minded _person. She always wanted to have everything _her way_. It was her way or the highway. She felt bad for Charlie, Crissy, and Jenny who had to live like that. Ruthie hadn't seen her parents fight a whole lot, they usually fought in private—away from the kids.

Ruthie didn't know what Matt and Carlos had told their wives, but a few minutes later the four of them came in and grabbed a baby each. Mary and Sarah didn't make eye contact during those moments, period. They seemed to be avoiding each others' presence. On top of it, Matt and Carlos kept giving their wives stern looks.

They joined the rest of the family downstairs, it was now around eight-thirty. "Well, it looks like everyone's here," their mom said and turned to Lynn, "Your parents said they would meet us at the church for the parade, as will Simon and Cecilia."

Up until this point, Annie had been completely oblivious to the _discrepancies _occurring between her children and children-in-law. When they were outside, Annie suggested that Matt, Mary, Sarah, Carlos, and Charlie all went in the car; Sam, David, Savannah, Lynn, and Ruthie go with Kevin and Lucy; and she drive the babies. "I'm not riding with that … that … controlling bitch!" Mary blurted out in front of everyone, pointing at Sarah. Lucy heaved an annoyed sigh after Mary blurted that word out, but bit her tongue in redundancy.

"Well I'm not riding with a twenty-five year old who acts like she's twelve, either," Sarah spat back.

Annie Camden appeared stupefied at her daughter and daughter-in-law's outbursts. Her face suddenly turned stern and anger showed through. Ruthie met eyes with Matt, both of them knew this wasn't good. Not good at all. Their mother had been through enough, she didn't need to have her family falling apart on her.

Her face turned burnt red and her eyes showed fire within in them. As she caught her breath. She fumed with watery eyes, "I don't know what's going on here, but I'm _not _going to allow my family members to be arguing on this day. We've all been through enough tragedy and turmoil this last week. I will not tolerate any fighting or any displacements today. You will respect your father, my husband's life, today. All of you." She growled and lifted her finger turning it on each and every one of them.

Charlie tugged on his grandmother's skirt, "Me too?"

Her voice changed calm and light as she whispered to Charlie, "Sweetie, you've done nothing wrong. You, your sisters, and cousins have done nothing wrong."

"Okay!" he gleamed smiling.

"Now, we're going with those arrangements, whether you like it or not," Annie demanded meeting eyes with all of them.

Matt grabbed Ruthie's shoulder and pulled her closer. He whispered into her ear, "I think we need to all get together even more, before we lose Mom."

"Good luck with that," she whispered back. With the attitude Mary was giving off, Ruthie doubted she would _consent _to going out in public her four siblings.

She rode in silence in Lucy and Kevin's van. None of them had said a word since her mother's outburst. They were all in shock and dismay after seeing her outburst. Ruthie could only remember one time prior when her mother had freaked out as she did today; Thanksgiving, two years ago. Matt and Sarah had made a surprise visit home, a week prior. Of course, her mother had been eagerly planning on having the whole family back for the actual _Thanksgiving _Day. Naturally, her plan didn't work out as planned. Matt and Sarah had to work over Thanksgiving, so they came home a week early. Mary and Carlos had flown to Puerto Rico and invited Ruthie to go with them. Ruthie had graciously expecting, planning on helping out with Charlie—but that planned failed miserably too, it was the worst Thanksgiving Day ever for her. Simon had his own _issues _going on, he was avoiding his parents. Lucy had planned on making her _own _dinner. Her mother had uttered the words in front of them all, "You're not my family."

It all had worked out in the end. Somehow, Ruthie had a gut feeling everything _wouldn't _work out this time. Her father was no longer there to hold them together. In the past, he had always been the one to _hold them together_. He was the string in the cloth; the glue in between the paper. Now, without him, they were a chaotic mess. Nothing could hold them together.

Their cars were in the front of the line of the parade behind the casket. The ride was one of the longest Ruthie had ever endured. She was thankful she wasn't in the car with Matt, Sarah, Mary, and Carlos. Surely, their ride was much longer than hers.

Ruthie was surprised with how many people had actually showed up for the burial. A tingling feeling withheld over her entire body when she saw two familiar faces just down four cars: _Martin and Mac_. Mac's blonde hair blew in the wind, his handsome brown eyes turned her way, her heart fluttered. She remembered when she had tried to get Mac to go out with her; she had only been a freshman and he a junior. Her heart dropped when she saw him wrap his arm around Margaret. Margaret and Mac were now living in an apartment all by themselves. They had kicked Jane out, Ruthie didn't know—nor care—where she was.

When Mac saw Ruthie looking back, he looked away and whispered something to Martin. Martin gave an uncomfortable look_, they're talking about me, _Ruthie automatically assumed. Lynn tapped her shoulder and whispered in her ear, "Is that the Martin guy you were talking about last night?" She pointed at Mac, obviously she had noticed Ruthie looking at him. Ruthie had told Lynn about Martin fathering Sandy's baby at seventeen, but she hadn't explained her _real _relationship with Martin.

Ruthie shook her head, "No, that's Mac—his best friend, the dark haired guy is Martin."

"Ah, cute," Lynn giggled. Ruthie smiled weakly.

Everyone was beginning to move towards the dug up grown, where the casket was located. Lucy standing in the center of everyone—it was the minister's job to say the final words. She was already tearing up, she was tearier today than she had been yesterday. Ruthie didn't blame her, it _had _been a rough night; of course Ruthie hadn't helped matters. It was gut-wrenching to know that they were only to get worse.

She stood next to Simon and Cecilia, Simon was clinging onto Cecilia tightly. Tears were streaming down his eyes as he acknowledged Ruthie. "Hi, sis," he forced a smile.

"Hi Simon," Ruthie whispered softly, with all the tears swarming around her own throat was beginning to knot up. Her eyes were filling with moisture and pain as she tried to hold it all inside.

Simon released his grip from Cecilia and wrapped his arms around Ruthie. She hugged him back, clinging onto the moment. "What's this I hear about a dispute back at the house?" he asked her suddenly.

"Who told you about that?" Ruthie asked curiously.

"Sam and David said something about Mom yelling at everyone because Mary and Sarah were fighting," Simon answered.

Ruthie confirmed, "It's true. Mary and Sarah have been fighting all day today."

"That's crazy!" Simon reacted. "I know they had that little argument last night, I can't believe they're still going at it."

"Me either," Ruthie agreed, "I knew Sarah was head-strong…I learned that after the ring deal…, but I didn't think she would stoop low enough to argue with our sister."

"With Dad dying it's like our family has been falling to pieces. I was afraid that would happen, that's why I didn't want to stay there last night," Simon told Ruthie.

"I don't blame you," Ruthie told him. _I should have just gone with Lynn and the rest of the Hamilton's, I could have spent the night at a hotel, _Ruthie realized. Her mom would never have approved of that. She wanted all of the kids _close to home._

A few moments later she was startled by a tap on her shoulder. She spun around to find Mac standing directly behind her. Her eyes scoped her line of vision for Martin, but he was nowhere to be seen. _What could Mac possibly want with me? _

"Hey Ruthie!" Mac gleamed. _He's a bit too happy for this burial, _Ruthie thought. _Then again, this is the guy who wanted to put the "fun" back in "funeral." _

"Hey Mac, how's it going?" she asked uneasily.

"I'm great, then again both my parents are still alive… how are you?" Mac asked.

She lied, "Fine. I guess."

"So…I hear you and Martin had a little get-together yesterday," he whispered. _What? _Ruthie's head started spinning_, Martin told Mac? _Her heart was racing like a rocket_, why would he do that? _

"W-what?" Ruthie tried to play dumb.

"Oh, you know what I'm talking about," he winked.

"Why the hell would Martin tell you that?" she found her voice amplifying louder than she wanted to be. Anger filled her veins, she wanted to smack Martin. "_Where is he?" _she wondered. "Where is he?" she found herself shouting, "I'm going to kill him!"

She soon realized a hive of eyes were staring at her. _Crap. _She saw Matt and Mary making their way through a crowd of people towards her. "What's going on?" Matt called to Ruthie. Ruthie looked over towards the coffin, where Lucy had been standing. She, too, was coming towards her. Her mother, Sam, David, Sarah, Carlos, Kevin, and all of the small children had also made their way through a crowd of people.

"Ruthie, what's wrong?" they all asked at once.

"I heard the word _kill_," Kevin added.

"This is our father's burial! She better not had said that word!" Lucy cried she turned to Ruthie with tears streaming down her face wretchedly, "I was just about to start—and now I hear my little sister threatening someone! What the hell are you thinking?"

Ruthie opened her mouth dryly to defend herself, but Mary cut in, "Maybe we just misheard her." _Now she wants to stick up for me? Dang, she needs to make up her mind if she's my friend or not, _Ruthie sighed.

"Ruthie," her mother's clogged up raspy voice asked; tears streaming down her face, "What's going on?"

She looked at the spot where Mac had been standing, but he was gone. _What am I going to do? _She couldn't just tell them what Mac had told her. Most definitely, she couldn't tell them she had _sex _with Martin while they were all mourning her father's death right below her. Her mouth opened dryly as she searched for words. Her heart raced as if she were in a marathon_, what can I tell them? _She was at loss for excuses; _have I used them all up? _

_

* * *

_

I hope you don't think Sarah's out of character. We know Sarah's head-strong and likes things _her way_. ("The Ring" – Season 6; we see that big time). Then again in Season 8 when she's jealous of Matt. ("The One Thing")

And we know Mary has family issues; that's why I can see her and Sarah going round and round…


	14. Matters of the Heart

Outside Heaven

Chapter 14

Matters of the Heart

A warm brisk wind blew against her face. The late spring intense wind dried out her throat hastily. Her head spun with possible explanations she could come up with. She could feel everyone's eyes gawking at her. _What am I going to say?_ To her left, Lynn still stood. Ruthie made eye contact with her; she wore a puzzled expression on her face.

A robin swooped down from a nearby tree as it chased a fellow robin. The birds seemed remind Ruthie of her own childhood freedom. Back then, she could spend her days solely playing. She remembered the days before she had started school; she had spent her whole days playing and waiting for her brothers and sisters to return home. When they did, she would eagerly greet them and insist they play with her. Particularly, she would wrap her arms around Simon. The two of them had been so close; it was hard to envisage how far they had drifted apart.

She looked up towards her brother Simon. He too showed confusion in his facial expression. All along he had been standing there, just centimeters away_; he had to have seen Mac. _"You saw him, right?" she whispered to Simon.

"Saw who?" Simon asked, wrapping his arm around his wife. "I didn't see anyone or anything, other than you yelling _I'm going to kill him_." He mocked her.

"Who are you talking about?" Lynn whispered. "I've been standing here the whole time, too."

"Mac," she heaved a whisper; everyone was still staring and waiting for her to explain herself. The weight of the eyeballs falling on her face agitated her; she felt her face burning up in fire.

"That hot blond who you pointed out to me; Martin's friend?" Lynn questioned. Ruthie nodded quickly, trying to tune out the balls of eyes gazing at her. Lynn shook her head and pointed to the other side of the crowd, "He's over there. He's been over there; I couldn't help but not take my eyes off of him." Ruthie met eyes with Mac, who foolishly waved back.

"What?" Ruthie gasped_, I did not imagine that. _He was standing right there next to her. She knew he had been. She had _seen _him, _heard _his voice, _felt _his touch. Her head started to spin faster_; can I just pass out now? _

"Ruthie?" Matt, now right behind her, placed his hand on his shoulder, "Is there something you want to tell us?"

_Not the burial, _Ruthie told herself. It was bad enough she was going to have to tell her own _family _she was a screw up, but she didn't need to tell the whole community, all of their friends, the whole world. The world would find out soon enough. "No," Ruthie said quietly. "I'm sorry. I guess I just had a spaz."

"Spaz?" her mother repeated in question. _God, I'm not explaining, _Ruthie placed her clammy hands over her eyes. She wanted to pass out, _permanently. _

"You know what I think?" Lucy asked as everyone focused their eyes off Ruthie and onto Lucy and waited for an answer. Lucy continued, "I think I want to bury my father, I want to place my father in his final resting place. I want us to remember why we're all here." Tears were flowing down her cheeks as she hysterically broke down. Her mother gestured towards Lucy and wrapped her arms around her, together they cried. Everyone surrounding them stood in silence as they paid their respects.

Some moments later, Lucy pulled herself away from her mother. She made her away back towards the casket and turned towards all who had gathered to see her father be put to rest. "Thank you," she amplified, "thank you all for coming in memory of my father, to see him be put to his final resting place." She moved closer to the casket as she continued, "We are here today to say our final goodbye to the reverend," she paused and began looking around, "not only was he a reverend, but he to many he was a friend, a son, a brother, an uncle, a father, and a grandfather," she took a deep breath, "but most importantly, he was a role model for our entire community and surrounding communities…"

Ruthie's attention focused away from her sister's speech. Her eyes traveled back to the birds, still flying and chasing each other around. Thirteen years ago she would never have played out her future to turn out as it had. Then again, thirteen years ago the future didn't matter. She remembered how she used to live life in the present, only the present. A child doesn't think about the future or the past; all a child cares about is _playing _and living in the moment. _Birds surely don't care about their futures, _Ruthie thought.

She tried to remember the first time she grasped a true sense of past, present, and future. Of course, they had done verb tenses in elementary school. Even though, though, she barely truly grasped the "concept." The _concept _of the past and future as realities hadn't come to her until much later. In fact, the very first time she _remembered _even remotely thinking of the future was around Lucy's wedding time. _"If I do marry, I hope it's Peter Petrowski," _she had told her mother. Then, she had later told her father_, "Even if I do marry Peter Petrowski, I'm not getting married until I'm thirty." _She had later come to realize, thirty seemed such a long time to wait to get married. Of course, her fantasy of whom she wanted to marry had changed many times as well.

Over the years, she had imagined herself married to many guys. Since Peter, there had been Mac, Vincent, T-Bone, and of course, Martin. While she had had vivid wedding images in her head of all those guys in suits standing next to her as she said "I do", only one of them did she visualize multiple times over the last three years. _Martin. _Martin never went away. His gorgeous smile, his perfect teeth, and godly eyes never left her mind. She couldn't help but want him to be the one she said her final, "I do" to.

She found herself placing her hand on her stomach, still completely tuning out her surroundings. Her stomach rumbled, as she craved food. That hotdog just hadn't been enough to hold her over. _There's a living thing inside of me, _Ruthie really did realize_, and this living thing, is going to grow into a baby. A baby needs a father. _She couldn't picture raising a child without a father. Never could she have imagined growing up without a "dad" figure in her life. Every child needed a fatherly figure in their life, and not just an "uncle", a real father.

Her mind snapped back to consciousness when she realized there was a hand on her shoulder. "Ruthie? Are you there?" Matt had started waving his hand in front of her. "Hello?"

Ruthie shook her head, "Sorry. I was thinking."

"You're acting very strange today," Matt commented suspiciously, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine, just…I can't believe Dad's gone, that's all," Ruthie sighed.

"None of us can," Matt said slowly, holding back a tear. "Anyway, you, Simon, Lucy, Mary, and I are going to the Pool Hall. Mom told us to take the car; everyone else would go back with her and Kevin. No spouses; no twins." Ruthie looked around, she realized the burial ceremony had completed and her father was being lowered into the ground_, he's officially in his final resting place. _The crowds of people were depleted and only their family and a few close friends, including the Hamilton's, remained. _I tuned out the whole burial, _Ruthie felt a little ashamed of herself.

"They consented to that?" Ruthie asked jokingly, giving a sarcastic laugh. Then she realized_, the Pool Hall? Is he fucking high? That's an invitation to disaster. _She added in a gasp, "The _Pool Hall?_ Are you crazy?"

Matt grinned weakly, "I haven't told them yet," then he paused and added, "The more public the place, the less likely you all will be to make a fool of yourselves."

Ruthie dropped her jaw, "Excuse me, _you _all?"

"You know what I mean," he winked.

"Right," she rolled her eyes, "well have fun convincing Simon, Lucy, and Mary to come go along with your little powwow." She added to clarify, "Oh, and don't worry about convincing me, I love a little added drama in my life, so I'll gladly come along."

"I wasn't planning on having to convince you," Matt winked, "and I'm not convincing the others, I'm telling them and that's that."

Ruthie rolled her eyes at her eldest brother, "Right. Have fun with that. You aren't our father, you know. Just because Dad's dead now, that doesn't give you the right to boss us all around."

Matt stared at her blankly and replied, "I am your big brother though, and I'm older, so I think I have some authority."

"Oh shut up," Ruthie rolled her eyes. She expected him to spit back at her _don't tell me to shut up blah… _but he didn't. He turned around and grabbed Simon's shoulder.

"So Simon, Ruthie, Mary, Lucy, and I are all going to the Pool Hall, and you're joining us," he informed his younger brother. _Way to tell him lightly, _Ruthie thought_, poor Simon. _

Simon laughed, "Do Mary and Lucy know this?" he looked at Ruthie and added, "Just the five of us?" Ruthie and Matt nodded. Simon remarked, "I can't remember the last time just the five of us hung out."

His statement was true. It had been about five years since Matt, Mary, Lucy, Simon, and she had all been in a room alone minus their parents, friends, or spouses. In fact, the last time Ruthie remembered having some _quality _time with her older brothers and sisters was when they concealed Simon's drunk self. That had been over five years ago.

"And, no, we haven't told Mary and Lucy," Matt told Simon, "but we will shortly."

"We?" Simon asked vigilantly and when he saw his brother nod, he suggested, "Do we have to? I mean, why can't you, Ruthie, and I go hang out; just the three of us?" Growing up, Matt had been particularly close to Simon and Ruthie. While he always "protected" Mary and Lucy by butting into their lives and so on because they were closer in age, his bond with Simon and Ruthie had been more _connected_.

Ruthie had always admired her oldest brother, even when he had done some not so admirable things. Of course, back during his "rebel" stage she had been too young to understand that he was doing something wrong. He had smoked and even almost tried marijuana. She remembered that night Matt had run off with some friends; Simon had been so angry with him.

_It was dark, and Simon and Ruthie were lying in their beds. Matt had just run off and Ruthie was confused. She knew her brother Simon was upset, but she didn't understand why._

"_Simon?" she asked innocently. _

"_What?" Simon had replied hastily._

"_Why are you so mad? And why is Daddy shouting?" she asked obliviously. _

_After a moment's silence, Simon had replied angrily, "'Cause our big brother's a big jerk!" he added, "And a major loser."_

"_I don't understand, I love Matt and he loves me," Ruthie told Simon, she was very confused. She didn't understand how Simon could say such hasty things about Matt._

"_I'll explain it to you when you get a little older," Simon had said. Ruthie hated when he said that, she hated being told 'I'll explain it to you when you get a little older.' She had wanted to know then. _

Simon had never explained it to her when she got older. In fact, it had been Matt – just a couple months ago – that had told her about his experience with marijuana. He promised her he had never tried it; he did bring it into their house. When Ruthie had gotten her tattoo, everyone had panicked. They had called _everyone _to see they could rattle it out of them. Of course, they had called Matt which resulted in him calling her.

_Embarrassment filled through her chest; she had just shown her family her tattoo. She hated it. Her thoughts raced; why had she been so damn stupid? Who in their right mind – sober – got a tattoo with someone else's name? Here she was, implanted with the name "T-Bone" on her back forever. "I need to get it removed," she told herself. "Can I?" _

_Her cell phone rang, and she reached for it. "Hello?" she answered. _

_"Ruthie?" she recognized Matt's voice, "It's Matt."_

_"Oh hi, Matt," she murmured. 'Hrm,' she thought, 'Matt's a doctor – he can tell me how I can get it removed.' Of course, in order for her to get him to tell her how to get it removed, she would have to tell him she got the tattoo. Surely, Lucy would tell the whole family eventually. _

"_I just check my voice mail, and I have countless messages from Mom, Dad, Kevin, and Lucy asking me if I know what's up with you. Dad thinks you're doing drugs," he told her and paused, "You aren't are you?" Before she could answer, he continued, "Do you remember the time Mom and Dad were yelling at me and I left with some friends?"_

"_Which time?" Ruthie asked, straining her memory._

"_Mary and Lucy found marijuana in Mom and Dad's dresser," he told her._

"_Oh, yeah, I do. I remember Simon was really upset with you, I asked him why and he said you were a big jerk and a major loser. He always said he would explain it to me when I was older, but he never did."_

_Matt went into a major spiel about how a friend at school had given him the marijuana. He had taken it, but never smoked it. Nonetheless, it had fallen out of his pocket and Happy had found it and gave it to Dad. He told her Mom had taken him aside and told him a shocking story. This shocked Ruthie, too. Her mouth almost dropped when he told her that their mother had once tried smoking marijuana. Then, he told her about her friend who had been killed while high._

"…_the moral of the story is: you could end up killing someone—or yourself. Ruthie, if you're doing drugs, stop now."_

_Ruthie opened her mouth dryly, "I'm not doing drugs. I promise. Mom and Dad know everything anyway, you're a little late."_

"_Oh. In that case, what's up?" he asked, he sounded a little embarrassed._

"_I got a tattoo," she muttered. _

_She heard Matt breathe heavily. She was in shock when he said, "Well, welcome to the club."_

_Her heart dropped a mile as she gasped, "What?"_

"_That's right. There's an official Camden club now, I suppose," Matt joked._

"_What do you mean?" Ruthie demanded._

"_Well, haven't you ever wondered why I always wear long socks? Why Mary never wears backless dresses? Why Lucy always holds her shirt when she bends over? Why Simon always wears long sleeved shirts?" he had asked in a series. Truthfully, she had never thought once about what her siblings wore. She nearly dropped the phone in shock. "So," Matt continued, "Where's yours? What did you get?"_

"_It's on my lower back," she said slowly. She didn't want to tell him what it said._

"_So, like where Lucy's is? Did you get flowers too?" he joked.  
_

_She wished she had. "No," she said slowly, "it says T-Bone." _

_Matt gasped, "What? Are you mad?" That, she was._

"_I want it removed," she told Matt. "Any idea how I can get it removed?"_

"_You'll have to see a doctor," he told her sadistically, "but good luck with that. From what I know those procedures are not cheap." She had soon learned that, indeed, they weren't._

She looked at how much her brother had changed over the last ten years. He was no longer the punk teenager who had considered trying marijuana, or had gotten a tattoo. She realized she didn't even know what kind of tattoo he had; she wondered. That would be a question she would ask him one of these days. She pictured herself asking him_, "Can I see your tattoo?" _Sadly, she saw her relationship changing drastically over the next few months with all of her siblings; she feared they would no longer accept her once she told them the truth.

Matt had told Simon, "I love you and Ruthie dearly, but it wouldn't be right for us to exclude our sisters…no matter how foolish they may be." He paused, as he and Ruthie looked at Simon's disappointed expression, and added, "So who do we want to recruit first, Mary or Lucy?"

"Mary," Ruthie said almost immediately. Mary was always harder to _get _when it came to _family matters_. Ruthie figured Mary would refuse to go if she knew Lucy was going along with them. Unless they had managed to make up, that was. She realized she hadn't seen the two of them arguing yet, today.

The three of them approached Mary – who was standing over by the car; Carlos nowhere in sight. She was holding a crying Charlie.

"Hey Mary," Matt smiled and looked down at his nephew and spoke down, "What's wrong, Charlie?"

"Grampa gone!" cried Charlie. Charlie had barely known his grandfather; he had only seen him a few times during his short life. Yet, he was showing more mourn and remorse for the loss of his grandfather than Sam and David. Charlie was so young, but he was only two years younger than Ruthie had been when she lost Grandma Ruth. The little ones had seen everyone crying; which brought down their spirits too.

"Grandpa's in Heaven," Matt told Charlie, "I bet he's looking down at us right now singing."

"Where Heaven?" Charlie asked curiously. _If it isn't déjà vu all over again, _Ruthie smiled to herself as she remembered this very question Simon had asked when Grandma Ruth died. Ruthie made eye contact with Simon; he seemed to be thinking the exact same thing she was as he smiled weakly turning towards Charlie.

Simon placed his hand slowly on Charlie's heart. "Grandpa's right here," he told Charlie, "he's in your heart." Charlie looked up, turning his frown to a smile.

"Grampa in my heart?" he asked. "Cool!"

Ruthie smiled at Simon and nudged him. "Remember?" she asked.

Simon nodded and whispered, "I do."

Carlos appeared out of nowhere, holding both twin girls. "What's going on?" he asked looking at his wife.

"Daddy, Grampa in my heart!" Charlie exclaimed eagerly as Mary set him down. The little guy placed his hand on heart; then reached up to touch his father's heart. "He in there."

"He sure is," Carlos smiled at his son.

"Anyway," Matt said slowly, looking at Mary, "we're planning on going and hanging out at the Pool Hall – you know, for old time's sake – and you're coming with us."

"That sounds like an order," Mary laughed at her brother as she turned to Carlos, "What do you think, Carlos?"

"Hey, sounds like fun, I used to be quite the pool player back in the day," Carlos grinned, "we'll just have to see if your mom doesn't mind watching the kids."

"Actually," Matt frowned, "nothing against you or anything Carlos, but just Mary – no spouses or kids, sorry."

"Oh, okay, I understand – sibling quality time, my siblings and I like to have a little of that every now and then too, sure," he smiled and turned to Mary, "go ahead, have fun."

"Um, alright," Mary said slowly turning to Matt, "are you sure about this?"

"Hey, when was the last time we all hung out?" Matt laughed.

"God, like wasn't it that time Simon got drunk?" Mary questioned.

Simon's face turned a little pink. "Don't remind me," he whispered in discomfiture. "That isn't exactly one of our _best _family memories."

"When was the last good family memory we all had together?" Mary rolled her eyes.

"My graduation," Matt suggested innocently.

"Yeah, it's all about you – isn't it?" Mary huffed angrily; taking him seriously. "I graduated that day too, you know."

"True, but not from medical school," Matt grinned mocking her.

"Man, let's not start this," Simon butted in. "I thought the whole purpose for this _reunion _was for us to resolve our differences and just hang out."

"I'm just playing," Matt insisted as he gave his corny grin; a grin they all remembered from his teen years.

"Sure he is," Mary rolled her eyes, "This reminds me of when we were teenagers… in a gauche way."

"If only I were five again," Ruthie found herself blurting out. _If only I were five again. _She would give anything to be five again.

Matt, Mary, and Simon all looked at her. "You were so cute back then," Simon told her.

"Yeah, what happened?" Matt joked.

"Hey!" Ruthie cried giving her brother a little shove; the three of them laughed at her little outburst.

"This really is just like old times," Simon restated Mary's comment. "If only…" he stopped; they all remembered _why _they were all together now. Ruthie knew she wouldn't be standing here next to Matt, Mary, and Simon if her father were still alive. It was so eerie how deaths brought the living together. Death seemed the only way to bring back a gush of memories; it reminded one what was important in life.

"Well, let's go obtain Lucy," Matt grinned.

"What, I thought it was just going to be the four of us?" Mary shrieked.

"It wouldn't be old times if we didn't have Lucy," Matt ruffled her hair and started running towards the grave. Lucy stood there all by herself; tears still rolling down her eyes. Ruthie and Simon raced after Matt; Mary had stayed behind – but, as they were nearing Lucy, Ruthie saw her huff a bit and started chasing after them.

Matt wrapped his arm around Lucy to comfort her. He was much more _gentle _with Lucy compared to what he had been with the others. _It must be because she's pregnant, _Ruthie figured. Lucy cried into Matt's shoulder, "I can't believe that's it, I can't believe I gave the service, and I can't believe he's really gone."

"None of us can," Mary had caught up to them and was a little breathless. Lucy looked up from Matt's comfort; she realized the four of them were standing there for the first time.

"Mary," Lucy whispered, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I freaked out at you yesterday." She turned to Ruthie, "You too, Ruthie, I still don't want you swearing around my daughter, but you're under just as much stress as the rest of us. I'm sorry." _Just as much stress? _Ruthie asked herself_, oh boy, if only she knew. _She turned to Matt and Simon, "I don't know what I have to be sorry to for you guys, but I'm sorry if I've done anything to upset either of you."

"Lucy, don't beat yourself up," Matt told her, "you're Lucy, we understand."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" she snarled. They all stared at her and sighed and smiled weakly, "Kidding…" They all nodded_, right. _

"Anyway, we're going to the Pool Hall to hang out," Matt told her, "for old time's sake, you know, and you're fifth on the guest list."

"Why am I always last?" she demanded. All five of them laughed, even Lucy. Even she knew how banal she sounded.

They all headed off to the Pool Hall; Matt driving. It felt weird being in the same car with Matt, Mary, Lucy, and Simon. She was almost reminded of her elementary days. She could remember back in kindergarten when Matt used to drive Mary, Lucy, Simon, and her to school. Their parents didn't like to put all of their eggs in one basket, so they didn't always ride together.

Ruthie sat in the back scrunched between Simon and Lucy; as she always had when they would ride together. Mary would always get the passenger seat. Memories of her childhood continued to swarm throughout her head.

She remembered Halloween one year; her fifth Halloween. An eerie Halloween feeling lingered all throughout the house. Outside, a full luminous moon oversaw their house. Sounds of dogs hallowing and an owl could be heard throughout the neighborhood. Inside, the five Camden children were gathered in darkness; Matt – telling his younger siblings a _scary_ story – lit a flashlight up to his face for the spooky effect. Ruthie sat in Mary's lap; while she could not remember what the story was about – she did remember Mary covering her ears, telling Matt, "I think maybe she's a little too young for this."

Mary hadn't always been the _bad sister_. She, too, had proclaimed innocence at a young age. Ruthie saw herself following her sister's footsteps in the nearby future; only turning out _much _worse. _Maybe Mom will send me to live with the Colonel and Grandma Ruth, _she shuddered. Her grandparents were older now. Six years in elder-time was a lot. _Matt and Sarah are moving back, _she told herself_, I don't want to leave Glen Oak now! _Maybe she could move in with them_; that is if they don't disown me when they find out. _

They entered the Pool Hall, side by side. Before they could sit down, they were greeted by the Pool Hall manager – the same guy who had managed the place as long as Ruthie could remember. She didn't know his name; she had spent the least amount of time at the Pool Hall over her teen years compared to her siblings.

"If it isn't the Camden kids!" he called. He placed his hand on Matt's shoulder, "You all are grown up, I can't believe it, and I remember when you guys were just kids."

Matt smiled weakly, "Time sure flies by."

"That it does," his face turned somber, "I'm so sorry about your father. The whole town is."

"You all have been so gracious to us," Lucy told him. "I know my dad is looking down on us all right now smiling."

"I was at the funeral yesterday," he said, "I wanted to make it to the burial, but I couldn't close the Pool Hall down two days in a row, though it's been pretty much empty today; I guess I could have. Anyway, Lucy – Reverend Kinkirk, I mean – your sermon was beautiful yesterday."

"Aww, thank you," Lucy smiled gratefully.

"And Matt," the manager turned to Matt, "your speech nearly made me cry too, it's so true, funerals do bring people together; you really have grown up – it seems just like yesterday Eric was here talking about how he was going to get you to quit smoking."

Matt laughed a little, "That it does, seem just like yesterday. It's hard to believe it's been nearly twelve years."

Then he turned to Mary, "And Mary! Why, I haven't seen you around these parts in ages – how are you? I've heard countless rumors of course, most of them I don't believe."

Mary smiled, "I'd be interested to hear what you've heard, I have a feeling I can guess what some of them are; but I'm doing well. I'm a teacher in New York, I'm married, and I have three children."

"Well that's great, I'm guessing none of the rumors I've heard are true either," he turned to Ruthie and Simon. "I remember when you two were just little ones, especially you Ruthie, look at you. All grown up."

She smiled weakly, at loss for words. It was a fact, she was _almost _all grown up; yet she still felt so young. She looked at Simon; he looked rather embarrassed as his face turned pink again.

"Well," the manager said, "I'm going to tell you what. You guys can have whatever you want to eat – it's on the house."

"Oh," Lucy said, "that's so gracious and thoughtful of you, but we could never ask for that."

"I'm not taking 'no' for an answer," he grinned, "you guys help yourself." The five Camden siblings looked at each other and shrugged. Ruthie realized her stomach was growling. She craved a burger with the works – even mushrooms. Typically, she _hated _mushrooms; here she was dying for some mushrooms.

The five sat down at a table. "This feels so weird," Lucy smiled; it was nice to actually see her smiling again. Ruthie hadn't seen Lucy _smile _a real smile since the news of their father's death. It killed Ruthie to know they wouldn't all be smiling for much longer – it wouldn't be long before they were all crying, yelling, and killing each other again. How many more would have to die?

A waitress greeted them, "So, what can I get for you guys?" Matt ordered water for them all, Ruthie figured he was trying to keep the bill _low _even though they didn't have to pay. Water was free to begin with.

"I'll have a hamburger with everything on it; ketchup, mustard, lettuce, tomato, onion, and mushroom," Ruthie ordered. Matt, Mary, Lucy, and Simon all looked at her in shock. "What?" she asked playing dumb.

"You don't eat mushrooms," Matt declared.

"How do you know? You haven't been around in years," Ruthie pointed out.

"But I have," Lucy butted in, "and you don't eat mushrooms."

"Maybe my taste buds have changed," Ruthie suggested. She saw her siblings roll their eyes_, they're on to me; _Ruthie worried.

Awkwardness filled the table as they waited for their food. "Well, you all are probably wondering why I called this outing," Matt said at last, "I'm worried about Mom."

"What do you mean?" Mary asked. "Why?"

"Oh come on Mary," Matt told her, "she's been married for thirty years, her husband just died, I don't want to scare you guys, but over the last years I've seen wives who have been married to their husbands for many years – then their husband died. The wives went downhill fast."

"Are you saying Mom's going to die too?" Simon asked worriedly.

"Of course I'm not _saying _that," Matt said, "I'm just worried she could fall into a depression and well, yeah, that could be the outcome." The table turned somber. "And I'm saying, I think it's important for us to stay close to her, to let her know we care." He turned to Mary, "Fighting in front of her isn't helping matters; we don't want to weaken her heart too."

"Oh please, like that's my entire fault – you should be lecturing your wife, not me," Mary rolled her eyes in a huff.

"Frankly, Sarah didn't start anything in front of Mom," Matt told his sister, "That was all you."

"And here you're lecturing us about staying close to home!" Lucy shrieked. "_I'm _the only one who has been here for the last five years. _I've _been here for Mom and Dad every step of the way."

"I've been here too!" Ruthie cried.

"Oh come on, you went to Scotland," Lucy rolled her eyes, "we practically had to twist your arm to come home." It was true. She wouldn't have come home if her parents _hadn't _twisted her arm.

"I don't want us to fight," Matt said calmly. "All I wanted to do was to wake you guys up. Be a little bit more considerate around Mom, give her a break; we need to let her know we're here for her, that she has a reason to live; release her anxiety as much as possible."

Mary sighed, "I don't see how we can stop her from being stressed; it's only going to get worse when Simon tells her his news." _Simon's news? _A cumbersome silence hit hard. They all looked at Simon, whose face had turned red. _What could Simon's news possibly be? _Ruthie wondered. He hadn't told her anything – recently. The last _news _she had gotten from him was when he had told her he was married to Cecilia. _What else could there be?_

Matt finally whispered, "Lucy and Ruthie don't know."

"What?" Mary seemed shocked, "You didn't tell Ruthie? I figured for sure you would, that's why I told Lucy." _Lucy's supposed to be the last to know everything! _Ruthie gasped to herself. Then again, Ruthie herself had been the last to know that Sandy was having Martin's baby. _Now this. _What could be so bad that Matt couldn't be bothered to tell her?

"You told Lucy!" Simon gasped turning to Mary. "I told you and Matt because I knew you were the farthest away from home. I figured you two would be _least _likely to tell anyone! I can't believe you Mary!"

"Sorry," Mary shrugged, "it isn't like you guys didn't share all of my secrets between each other."

Matt sighed and turned to Simon, "You might as well let Ruthie in on your news." Simon gaped towards Ruthie somberly. Ruthie could tell he didn't want to tell her. _What could be so bad that Simon would hide it from me? What could be so bad that he wouldn't want Mom and Dad to know? _Her head spun as she gazed into her closest brother's green nervous eyes. She and Simon had been through so much together; they had chicken pox together, they had gotten lost together, and so much more. _What has he been hiding from me?_

* * *

Notes/Credits

Oooo Simon has a secret. Anyone have any ideas?

Now that I've _officially _seen all eleven seasons of _7th Heaven _I've realized I made a few "technicality" errors. Most of them were in the first few chapters…I've gone back and changed a few minor details.

_Ruthie/Simon flashback: Season 2, Episode 4 – Who Knew?_

_Halloween memory: Season 1, Episode 6 – Halloween_

_-Disclaimer: The Matt/Ruthie flashback never happened on the show, but we can say it happened off screen.  
_

I feel like this chapter was a little rushed, all along the next two chapters are what I've been "building up to." I guess you can say the _climax _is arising. I've been trying to portray a few _themes _throughout this story – I don't know if any of you have caught onto it, though.


	15. News Flash

Outside Heaven

Chapter 15

News Flash

His sad gray eyes gazed into hers for the next entailing moments. He seemed at loss of words. _Just tell me, _Ruthie thought. "Just tell me," she demanded out loud – speaking her thoughts. _I've heard the worst, _Ruthie thought. She remembered when Martin had told her that he was having a baby with Sandy. She didn't want to believe it; she even accused him of playing a prank. Nothing could be worse than finding out the love of your life is having a baby with another woman.

"Tell her," Mary insisted. "She has to be wondering what _business _you had going on two nights ago that caused you to come in a day later than the rest of us."

_"Simon and Cecilia will be in tomorrow morning as well, apparently they had some business to take care of today," _Matt had told them all two nights ago. She hadn't thought twice of it; in fact, she had figured it was just an _excuse _Simon was coming up with so he could come in a day late.

She suddenly remembered the look on Matt and Mary's faces at the airport when Simon's name was mentioned. _Matt had given Mary a warning look, _she wasn't supposed to say something. Ruthie had let it pass; she didn't think it really meant anything. It did; it meant everything.

"This," Simon said, looking directly into Ruthie's brown eyes, "is why I've been so emotional; it's bad enough losing my father, I feel so horrible that I never got around to tell him this."

Lucy gave a little cough, covering her mouth with her fist. Everyone looked at her, giving her a "What?" expression. Lucy frowned, looking down at the table. A tear started to roll down her face. Finally, she whispered in a gasp, "I told him."

"You… what?" Simon asked flabbergasted. "When?"

"In the car, when I was taking him to the hospital," Lucy whispered nearly in tears, "it's all my fault. Maybe if I wouldn't have told him. If I had not told him, he'd probably still be alive."

"What?" Matt and Simon both gasped in shock.

"It was _my _news!" Simon cried. "_My _news killed Dad, not yours, now I feel worse!" He placed his head in his hands, Ruthie could hear his sobs.

"You can't blame yourself, Lucy," Matt told his sister, and turned to his brother, "Neither can you, Simon. You guys just can't, his heart was already weak; the doctors said there was nothing anyone else could possibly do."

"And doctors know everything," Lucy rolled her eyes irritability.

"That, we do," Matt told them; his tone was jokingly.

"Bullshit," Ruthie butted in. "This isn't the time to be making fucking jokes, Matt."

"Watch your language!" Lucy shrieked.

Ruthie gaped around the room, "There aren't any little children around, I didn't know I wasn't allowed to swear when there weren't any kids around – oh wait, I forgot, Lucy has the mentality of a child."

Lucy clamped her fists, looking directly across the table at Ruthie, "Bring it on baby sister, you won't win."

"Want to make a bet, _Reverend_?" Ruthie rolled her eyes. "I don't have to lift a finger, and I win." Lucy clasped her fists tighter, scrunching her face up in a ball. Ruthie knew Lucy didn't have the _guts _to fight her, that's how she would win without lifting a finger. She was such a wuss.

Matt, who was sitting right next to Lucy, grabbed her hand. "Guys, please, let's not."

"Really," Simon took his head out of his hands, his face was burnt red and tears were streaming down his face, "grow up."

"And you guys think _I'm _immature," Mary remarked with a sneer in her voice.

"God, can you just tell me your news, Simon? Please?" Ruthie begged. "It can't be that bad, I don't know what could possibly be so bad that you can't tell me. Please."

Simon sighed and told her bluntly, "I got a job." _And? _Ruthie wondered. _That's great? Isn't it? _Here she had been hoping it was something worse than hers.

"That's great!" Ruthie exclaimed. "Isn't it? Wait… what's so bad about that?"

Matt imperatively told Simon, "Tell her where."

"Well," Simon mumbled a bit and told her, "The headquarters are in St. Louis."

"St. Louis?" Ruthie asked. "St. Louis, Missouri?" As far as she knew, there was no St. Louis, California. She could remember seeing pictures of the Gateway Arch in a magazine, it looked really extraordinary. Missouri wasn't exactly within driving a quick distance – Mom would have fits, surely. Still, it wasn't near as far away as New York. Ruthie didn't see the big deal.

"Tell her where they want to station you," Matt coached his younger brother.

Simon looked at the ceiling as he sighed, "They want me to spend three years in London. That's where Cecilia and I were when we received word of Dad; we flew back as quickly as we could." _London? _Ruthie found her mouth paralyzed momentarily. _Simon and Cecilia are moving to London! _Their mother was going to flip. Ruthie had heard her mother and father groan about how far away Simon had been while he was at college. _Still, _it was within driving distance. London was precisely an eleven hour flight! The five hour flight to New York had been a long one, but _eleven hours_. Ruthie remembered her flight to Scotland – it was a long flight; though it had all been worth it.

"London?" Ruthie responded slowly, she couldn't help but ask, "You don't suppose I could go with you; do you?"

Simon smiled weakly, "I had to know you would ask that."

"Of course, well can I?" Ruthie begged. _That would be one way to conceal my pregnancy from my family; move overseas. _

"No, you can't!" Lucy shrieked. "You're mad. As if it isn't bad enough with Matt, Mary, and Simon are all living so far away. I'm not going to be the only Camden left home with Mom, Mom needs her _family_." She gawked in disgust at Simon, Matt, and Mary.

"I haven't accepted the job yet," Simon said slowly. "Though, I really can't pass up this opportunity – it pays so well, with one paycheck I'll be able to pay back all my debts, in two paychecks I'll have the extra money to buy a laptop to communicate with you all via web cam, and in three paychecks I'll be living pretty comfortable."

"I'm not saying you should pass up on the job opportunity," Lucy sighed. "You shouldn't, this is your chance – honestly, if I were in your situation, I couldn't either."

"Yeah, Simon, you need to live your life while you're young – of course family should always be important, and you know we're always here for you," Matt told his brother. "Of course, it would be better if you were closer, but your life takes you where it takes you."

"It means a lot to me that you guys are supporting me," Simon said gratefully.

"When would you move?" Ruthie asked quickly in curiosity. She felt like she was gaining a brother, with Matt moving back – which Lucy obviously didn't know, yet; and losing a brother, with Simon moving away.

"The first of August is when they want me to start," Simon told her and added, "So I'll still be around for the rest of the summer." _The rest of the summer, great, _Ruthie thought_, the worst summer of my life. Simon will be around to see me ruin our family. _

"You really need to tell Mom," Lucy insisted. "I know it's a terrible time, but have you thought about how you're going to tell her? There really will be no good time to tell her over the next months."

Simon nodded slowly, "I have." He turned to Matt, "Remember when Happy was having puppies and you told me never to give bad news on top of bad news? You told me to wait until they received good news."

Matt nodded and chuckled, "Yeah, you waited until Renee told Mom and Dad that I wasn't the father of her baby." All of them laughed at that memory. Ruthie had been so small at the time, but she had been told about how their mom and dad had freaked out when Renee – pregnant with her daughter, Jenny – had walked in. They all feared for the worst – Matt being the father. Their tension had been released when Renee relieved them by informing them Matt _was not _the father. Simon had taken that as _good news _and decided to drop the bomb of the news of Happy's puppies on them.

"Well, here's what I was thinking," Simon started slowly, "I was thinking, if you all could help me come up with some _good _news to share with Mom; we could load her with _good _news, then I could spring this on her." He looked around at each of them hopefully, and added, "Cecilia and I have good news too."

"Well that's good!" Matt exclaimed. "What is it?"

"Man, you think I'm actually crazy enough to tell you guys after Mary told Lucy my other news which resulted in her telling Dad that probably killed him - no matter what you say; seriously?" Simon spat.

"I don't get what's so bad about her telling me!" Lucy cried. "It's just _me_. _Lucy_. And Dad had the right to know; even if it did kill him."

"For the last time," Matt said quietly, "it didn't kill him. Doctors may not know everything, I'm sorry for my comment, but if a doctor said there was nothing anyone could have done, there was nothing anyone could do."

Lucy huffed, "Right. I'm sure they just said that to make me feel better."

"Trust me, Luce; doctors have no sparing for your feelings. They really don't," Matt assured her. Matt had told Ruthie about his first time "on the job" training during medical school. The head doctor had been a complete jerk; he had preached repeatedly, "Doctors don't care about feelings; nurses do." In the end, a patient had ended up being lost because of the doctor's apathy. _What if Dad had a doctor like that? _Ruthie wonder_, doctors were supposed to help people … not kill people; weren't they? _

"You care, don't you, Matt?" Ruthie questioned her eldest brother.

Matt gave her a blank look; she knew he cared. She also knew by questioning whether doctors cared or not, she was making matters worse. Also, she knew she didn't care. "Yes, I care, but that's beside the point."

"So you're saying you're a minority?" Ruthie asked annoyingly.

"Yes, that's what I'm saying," Matt responded a bit aggravated with her.

"Guys," Simon butted in. "Can we get back to the matter at hand? Good news? You guys have to have some good news." She met eye contact with Simon and thought_, don't look at me. _Ruthie bit her lip, feeling nervous.

"Well, I'll hopefully have good news tomorrow," Lucy informed them uneasily.

"You find out the sex of the baby, don't you?" Matt assumed.

Lucy nodded slowly. "I didn't want to say anything – I didn't want to jinx it," she sighed, "we were supposed to find out today, but because of the burial we pushed it back a day."

"Okay, so we can tell them tomorrow," Simon told them and asked hopefully, "does anyone else have any good news? The more the merrier."

"Matt does!" Ruthie found herself blurting out without thinking. _Whoops, _she thought. _Matt doesn't know I know, _she remembered_, oh well…it had to come out sooner or later. _She remembered Sarah had said they were going to wait until _after _the funeral to announce they were moving back. _Well, it's after the funeral._

Mary, Lucy, and Simon all turned to Matt, "You do?" they asked at the same time. Matt glared with confusion at Ruthie.

"I knew it!" Lucy gasped suddenly. "Sarah's pregnant, isn't she?"

Matt's jaw dropped, "Sarah's p-pregnant? W-what? If she is, this is the first I've heard of it."

"Why would Sarah tell Ruthie first?" Lucy questioned, hissing a bit.

"Sarah's not pregnant…or if she is, that's not what she told me," Ruthie said quickly.

"Oh, well that's a relief," Matt sighed, "I know Sarah _wants _another baby, all she's talked about since we've got here is having a little girl – she thinks Savannah and Charlie are so cute together. Personally, I think she just wants a little girl to dress up."

Lucy huffed, "Look what happened to me when Kevin wanted a boy." She frowned, her eyes started to water up as she quickly added, "Not that I would wish that upon anyone."

"I know what you mean," Matt assured, "I'm just afraid of having twins again."

"I wonder if Mom would have stopped right away if Matt and Mary each had a twin," Simon abruptly pondered.

"I doubt it," Ruthie answered, "you know those two can't - er couldn't - get their hands off each other." _What if we all had had a twin? _Ruthie thought to herself_, oh Lord, twelve children? _She couldn't imagine growing up in a family of fourteen. It had been hard enough growing up in a family of seven. After the twins were born they were expected to be the live-in baby-sitters. Then again, if there had been more of them there would have been more baby-sitters; so they could have alternated more. _Having a twin would have been awesome, _Ruthie realized_, there would have been more freedom. _

Ruthie wondered how many grandchildren her parents would end up having. She wondered how many more Matt, Mary, and Lucy would have; if Simon would have any. _I'm not having anymore children unless I marry Martin, _Ruthie decided. She didn't want to have anyone else's children. She sighed_; I guess I won't have anymore children; unless I can somehow manage to convince Martin that this baby is his._ Ruthie didn't know how she could manage to do that; she was already five weeks along – _five weeks. _She wondered how long it would be before she started showing. _I have to tell them before that point, _her mind quivered.

"So," Lucy started turning towards Matt, "if Sarah's not pregnant, what could your good news possibly be?"

Matt gawped at Ruthie; looking somewhat confused, "I don't know. Why don't you ask Ruthie?"

"Sorry," Ruthie muttered, "Sarah told me not to tell you she told me; it just came out."

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter now," Matt sighed and paused. He looked at his siblings and told them, "I'm assuming Sarah told Ruthie we're moving back to Glen Oak; Sarah and I were going to wait until after the funeral."

"Oh Matt!" Lucy exclaimed in delight. She jumped out of her seat and wrapped her arms around her brother. "That's great!"

Simon grinned, "That's definitely great news! Mom will be so excited about that, surely she'll be able to move past Cecilia and me moving to the other side of the world." The only person at the table that seemed to _not _be excited about Matt's returning to Glen Oak was Mary. She didn't say a word as she seemed to be staring into space. Ruthie didn't know why Mary wouldn't be happy about Matt and Sarah leaving New York. Mary always complained about her family _butting _into her lives. When she had Charlie and the twins, she didn't want anyone in the family there for the birth. With Charlie, Sarah had been the one to call the family back in Glen Oak to let them know Mary was in labor. With the twins, Matt had actually been at the hospital when she went into labor – he called their parents immediately. Ruthie had been in Scotland at the time; but the rest of the family had flown out to New York for the births of both sets of twins.

As they were rejoicing over Matt's news, the waitress arrived with their plates of food. Ruthie was first to get her plate; the steam from the burger lifted into her nostrils. She dove in before the rest of her siblings got their plates. The luscious bun sunk into her teeth as she entered Heaven.

She was three bites into her burger when she saw Mary's plate. Mary had gotten some fish-dish, Ruthie wasn't sure what it was, but the stench made her stomach turn. "What is that?" Ruthie coughed out looking at her sister; she held onto her stomach trying to hold it back.

"I'm not sure really, the menu calls it _Sea Surprise_, I've always wanted to try it – but I never saw the point in getting it when I could get a burger for like half the price," Mary told her. _Leave it to Mary to get the most expensive item on the menu when she didn't have to pay, _Ruthie thought. She could feel her stomach turning upside down; she felt like she could faint. A grimy salty taste filled her mouth; the one she got when she was about to purge.

"Ruthie? Are you okay?" Matt asked in a concerned tone. "You look green."

She could feel it coming up her esophagus. Quickly she sprung out of her chair and ran to the bathroom. Her head spun; she nearly knocked over a couple chairs. She slammed her body into the Women's restroom and took the first stall; she had made it just in time as it all came up.

For the following moments, she found herself stretching her arms. She felt so disgusting and nasty. After stretching out her muscles, she left the stall to wash her face and hands. She dried her hands with the hand drier while wishing they had paper towels she could dry her face off with. The world was going _green_, and apparently blow driers were helping. _They still take up electricity, _Ruthie thought_, even if they aren't killing trees. _The use of electricity added to the fossil fuels in their ozone layers.

Ruthie finally gained up the courage to go face her siblings again. As she went to push the door open, she felt resistance as someone was pushing back the other way. She let go, letting the person on the other side come in. Her eyes were in shock when she saw her sister, Mary, standing there and entering the bathroom.

"There you are, Ruthie, we were getting worried about you," Mary sounded a little concern, actually, "Are you alright?" She tried to place her hand on Ruthie's shoulder, but Ruthie pushed away.

"I'm fine, your dish just made me sick," Ruthie assured quickly.

"Sick, eh?" Mary asked suspiciously. "If I didn't know better…no, it can't be…" _Can't be what? She can't be onto me. _Ruthie ignored her statement and tried to go around her sister and leave. Mary stopped her, holding onto her shoulders so she couldn't move. "Ruthie, you're not…you haven't had sex, have you?" _What? Ugh, _Ruthie thought, ignoring the question uneasily. "You can tell me, Ruthie, you know I've done stupid stuff, if anyone knows about making mistakes, it's me." Ruthie broke away from Mary, she looked at the door_; I have to get out of here. _"Ruthie, look at me," Mary said, pulling her face towards hers. Ruthie looked into Mary's curious hazel eyes. "Tell me, are you pregnant?" Mary asked nervously. When Ruthie didn't respond, Mary continued, "You fainted the other day, you've been eating really weird foods, and now you're vomiting at the smell of foods – God Ruthie, come on, I'm not as stupid as you all think I am; and neither are the rest of your siblings – I heard Matt and Sarah talking last night after everyone went to bed, from what I gathered, they think the same."

Ruthie closed her eyes; her worst fear had been confirmed. They were onto her. _Who else is suspicious? _Ruthie wondered. "Well," Ruthie started slowly, "you all are wrong." She lied. "Can't you guys just accept the fact that I'm shaken up over Dad's death? Damn, I can't believe you people are crazy enough to think that! Gosh!" she yelled and fumed out of the bathroom, leaving Mary to follow after her.

She returned to the table seeing nobody had touched their food. Ruthie's partly eaten sandwich remained on the plate; she felt too disgusted and worried to even both eating it now. "Are you okay, Ruthie?" Lucy asked concernedly.

"Fine," Ruthie mumbled.

"Maybe we should get going home," Matt suggested, "especially if you aren't feeling well, Ruthie." _So you guys can pester me in the privacy of my own home? _Ruthie wondered. There would be so many people at the house_, who knows, maybe they've all left. _She wondered who else Matt, Sarah, and Mary had told about their _suspicions_. It occurred to Ruthie that Mary had seen her with Martin yesterday_, has she told anyone? _Gossip flew too easily throughout the Camden household.

"Yeah, Matt's right," Lucy agreed, "I'm not hungry anymore." _Lucy? Not hungry? _She was always hungry during her pregnancies.

A couple groups of people had come in since Ruthie had run to the bathroom. Lucky for Ruthie, she didn't recognize any of them. That didn't mean any of them didn't know her mother or hadn't known her father, Ruthie groaned at that thought.

The five Camden kids left their plates full and unattended. They rushed out of the Pool Hall avoiding talking to anyone as they piled into the car. The car ride home was pretty much silent, not a sound was peeped. Sitting between Lucy and Simon's emotionless faces seemed to some degree awkward.

When they pulled into the driveway, Ruthie wanted to make a fast get-a-way, attempting to avoid any confrontation. Unfortunately, because she was in the _middle _she had to wait for Simon and Lucy to get out. By the time Lucy and Simon had gotten out; she was too late. Simon, Lucy, and Mary all quickly went through the backyard to the kitchen door. Ruthie didn't get her chance.

Matt grabbed her shoulder, "We need to talk."

"About?" was Ruthie's immediate reaction.

"I think you know what," Matt told her. They walked into the backyard, Matt sat her down on the bench; sitting next down to her. "Ruthie… you told me you don't have an eating disorder, and I never thought that, and I didn't want to think there was anything else wrong. I've been in denial, but…"

Ruthie closed her eyes_, there's really no way out of this, he knows. I have to tell him. _She met her brother's concerned eyes and interrupted Matt, "Matt, I need to tell you something."

* * *

I'm trying to avoid clichés; Simon isn't Aaron's father. Without season eleven that possibility is open in season ten, but leaving season eleven relevant, he isn't. I think that Sandy wanted to talk to Simon about marriage - seeing as in season eleven she no longer wants to marry Martin. And yes, Simon has more news; and it is _good _compared to what he just told Ruthie in this chapter. (Though, of course, technically his news wasn't _bad_, but considering the point in their lives, it is)


	16. Fault

Ahaha, just a random tidbit, there is a St. Louis, California. :O

_Here's chapter 16: _

_

* * *

_

Outside Heaven

Chapter 16

Fault

Her brother's caring curious eyes gazed back into hers. "I was hoping that is what you would say," he whispered, "Ruthie, you can tell me, I'm here for you; I'll help you get through this. You're my baby sister, and I will always love you – no matter what you have done or will do." _He already knows; _Ruthie's eyes closed shut.

"Good," she murmured. She sucked in a deep wind of air. Her stomach churned as she searched for the words. Her dry mouth opened, and looking into Matt's eyes she asked slowly, "Who did you have your first time with?"

Matt's mouth dropped open. Ruthie could tell he hadn't seen that coming. "Uh, y-you mean…um," he stuttered uncomfortably. He grabbed her wrist, "Ruthie, this isn't exactly something I feel comfortable talking with about to you."

"Oh," Ruthie sighed realizing, _if it were Sarah why would he care?_ She added, "I thought, you know, since I'm your sister and all—."

"There you guys are!" Sarah cried coming through the fence, "Your mother has been wondering where you two were, since you guys didn't come in with Mary, Lucy, and Simon." She sat down next to Matt on the bench and wrapped her arms around him, giving him a peck on the lips. "Hank just called and he's bringing Patty Mary and the baby over here."

"That's great!" Matt exclaimed and asked, "So who all is here?"

"Let's see…just the Hamiltons, your grandparents, and Julie with her kids; oh and Roxanne and Chandler," Sarah told Matt and Ruthie. _So Lynn's still here, _Ruthie realized. She felt embarrassed based on how she had acted in front of Lynn earlier. _She probably thinks I'm nuts, _Ruthie thought_, well, I am. _She was a little disappointed to hear that Martin wasn't there; but then she decided_, it's probably a good thing_. "So…" Sarah changed the subject, "What are you two doing out here alone?"

"Ruthie was just about to tell me something," Matt glared at Ruthie with one arm around his wife. _Ugh, _Ruthie groaned. It was hard enough telling Matt, now Sarah was here. She had to get it out, and she knew it. _They already know, _Ruthie reminded herself_, I just have to confirm it. _

"Oh, how fun," Sarah winked and randomly added, "you two are missing an overdramatic fight inside."

"I wonder who," Matt said dryly. _It could be anyone, _Ruthie thought. "Lucy and Mary?" he asked.

"Actually, no," Sarah laughed, "Lucy and Chandler." _Lucy and Chandler are fighting? _Somehow Ruthie was surprised at first. After she thought about it, she had a pretty plausible guess _why _Lucy and Chandler would be fighting.

"Oh, that doesn't surprise me either," Matt said. _I hate being left in the dark, _Ruthie snarled to herself. All of her life she had been the one to know everything before everyone, now everyone knew everything before her. She felt like she was becoming stale. "Anyway," Matt continued, "what were you going to tell me?" When he saw Ruthie glance uncertainly at Sarah he added quickly, "Oh don't worry, whatever it is can between the three of us, Sarah won't tell anyone." _But it can't, _Ruthie thought_, why is he even saying that? He knows this can't be between the three of us. _She wished Sarah and Matt would take her away to a far away place; she wished it could remain between the three of them, but she knew it just couldn't be.

"I won't, I promise," Sarah looked sincerely into Ruthie's eyes, "Like I told you the other night, I'm here for you too."

Her mouth was as dry as a desert. As she gathered the courage to spit out her biggest secret her eyes trailed into space. Matt and Sarah both sat on the bench patiently, waiting for her to reveal their worst fears.

"Ruthie?" Matt asked hesitantly, pushing her back to Earth.

"You guys are right," Ruthie mouthed.

"We're right about what?" Matt asked seemingly unknowing.

She made eye contact with Matt and Sarah, both shared a frightened expression. Ruthie felt a cramp in her leg; quickly she sprung off the bench and spat dryly, "I'm pregnant." Before Matt and Sarah could respond she made a run for the kitchen. Through her peripheral vision she saw Matt and Sarah glance at each other in shock.

"Ruthie!" Matt had called. "Come back here!" Ruthie continued running breathlessly. She grabbed the doorknob and entered into the kitchen. Inside, Lucy and Chandler were standing across the island from each other.

"…for the last time Lucy! It wasn't my idea. It was suggested to me by the deacons!" Chandler had shot at Lucy.

"Right, right, sure, like I'm going to believe that!" Lucy cried, not even noticing her sister's entrance. "Come on! You just up and left our church three years ago after meeting some random tutor of Jeffrey's, we haven't _heard _from you at all – _then _after my father dies you came crying back begging to take over the church again just because your relationship failed and you have no reason to be out East because you went crying back to your old girlfriend whose father lives here, you don't fool me Chandler, you just want to ruin our family. Let me tell you something, Chandler! I've been a part of this church for _twenty-four _years – my entire life! If anyone should take over as the permanent minister for the Glen Oak Community Church it's _me_!" She was fuming, her eyes were squinted in a devilish way, and she looked like she could kill somebody. Ruthie, avoiding her sister, made her way for the stairway.

She heard the door creep open as she was about half way up the stairs. "Did either of you see Ruthie come through here?" she heard Matt ask, presumably Lucy and Chandler whom were still yelling at each other.

"I think she went upstairs," Chandler's voice responded. _Great, they did see me, _Ruthie started to make a run for it. Before she could reach the attic stairs she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Not so fast," Matt was standing behind her. "You can run, but you can't hide – we aren't done talking."

Ruthie sighed, turning around, "Can we at least go to the attic?"

"That works," Matt agreed. Sarah had just caught up to them, she was breathing a little heavily. "I can handle this," Matt told his wife.

"No, I don't think you can," Sarah insisted catching her breath.

"I don't think you can either," Ruthie agreed sighing. "Besides, she already knows." There was no point in leaving Sarah in the dark now. After all, Ruthie needed all the help she could get.

The three migrated to the attic. Ruthie sat on her bed, grabbing her square pillow and sitting it on her lap. She hugged her pillow tightly as Matt and Sarah sat on the second bed in the attic. Ruthie found herself glaring at the bed; the bed that Lucy had once slept in. She remembered before Lucy was married; how life had been like sharing a room. For the majority of her life she had shared a room; from the time she was five until Matt moved out she shared with Simon. Then, as Simon grew older he desired to have his own room – so he took Matt's. Ruthie had her very own room during that time period. After the twins were born and Matt moved out, she took Mary and Lucy's room and Mary and Lucy took the attic. That didn't last long, Robbie moved in and Matt moved back home – so Ruthie moved in with Lucy after Mary went to New York. Lucy had grown up, moved out, and Ruthie had had her own room for nearly four years now.

Having your own room was a privilege, Ruthie had decided. A privilege Ruthie had taken advantage of. _I wouldn't be in this situation if I didn't have my own room, _Ruthie decided. Though, she wasn't so sure how true that was. Either way, she and T-Bone would have found a way around her parents' rules.

Matt and Sarah were staring at Ruthie in silence. It was like they didn't know what to say. Ruthie was sure she knew what they _wanted _to say. Likely, they wanted to bawl her out; yell and lecture her. She could imagine them thinking: _"What were you thinking, Ruthie? Are you really that stupid? Haven't you learned anything from Simon's experiences?" _She was thinking; that was the whole ordeal. _I'm just a teenager; a teenager who didn't think it could happen to her, _Ruthie told herself. She had always thought she was invincible; like any teenager. It was like she thought the rules of nature didn't apply to her. A song she had once heard came to mind:

_I can't be held responsible  
This is all so new to me  
Just when I think I'm invincible  
You come and happen to me_

_Now I'm waking up  
I've finally had enough of this wreck of a lifetime  
I never thought I'd survive it  
Now I'm taking back  
All I gave up for that  
Leave my pain behind  
Wash these stains from my life_

Truth be told, she wasn't invincible. She wasn't innocent; she was only human. _It isn't my fault, _Ruthie thought_, it can't. _Her memory drifted back two years ago to her first day of high school. Martin had refused to drive her to school on her first day of school, and Ruthie was furious. She had made a complete fool of herself by pulling down his trousers in the middle of the hallway in front of a group of students. _It's my brain, _Ruthie remembered her father's excuse for that incident. The teenaged brain wasn't fully developed; in fact, Ruthie had learned the human brain wasn't fully developed until one reached their mid twenties. _Thus, none of this is my fault, _Ruthie realized.

She decided to break the uncanny silence, to get this over with. "Now what?" she asked looked up at Matt and Sarah; both seemed just as confused as she was.

"Well…" Matt searched for words.

"Have you seen a doctor?" Sarah finally asked.

"Um, yeah, well I'm seeing two right at this moment," Ruthie responded sarcastically.

"That isn't funny!" Matt snapped. Ruthie could tell he was upset with her. He was at a loss for words because he _was _upset that his worst fears had been confirmed. _He promised, he promised he'd be there for me, _Ruthie thought. Here he was, bottling up his anger inside of him. Immediately afterward he whispered, "I'm sorry, Ruthie. I'm just having a hard time digesting that my baby sister is going to have a baby unwed."

"Yeah, okay," Ruthie mumbled. "I haven't been to a doctor. I was hoping I wouldn't have to. I mean…you are a gynecologist; and like every doctor in this freaking city knows our mother…"

"Ruthie," Matt said slowly, "you can't expect to hide this from Mom forever, you're going to have to tell her sooner than later…and, I'm not going to tell her for you, this is your news…and, if I were you I would wait until after Simon's told his news, after all, this will make his news look good."

"You're the one who said not to give bad news on top of bad news!" Ruthie cried.

"Ruthie, I love you," Matt told her, "and, nothing can change that – but I'm not going to give you any sympathy on this matter, Ruthie, you did this to yourself. You can't blame anyone else for this."

"Gee thanks," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "You're so helpful."

"Ruthie…" Matt sighed. "And, I can't treat you…you're going to have to see another gynecologist, Sarah and I can find one for you that doesn't know Mom."

"I have an old friend who works on the other side of town," Sarah volunteered. "I'm sure _she _can work you in."

"What!" Ruthie cried. "Why can't you treat me? You delivered Lucy's baby for God's sake! I see how this is."

"Ruthie! She was trapped in an elevator!" Matt nearly yelled. _At this rate they'll be able to hear us downstairs, _Ruthie sighed. "I didn't have much of a choice, if you were trapped in an elevator this would be completely different – but you're not."

"He wouldn't even touch me when I was pregnant with Jacob and Noah," Sarah added. "It's kind of in the doctor's code – we're not supposed to treat our family members unless it's an emergency or something minor; there's always a conflict of interest when treating your own family."

_Conflict of interest; bull crap, _Ruthie deliberated to herself. He just didn't want to help her. She feared they were lying to her; they weren't going to help her. _What if they let me suffer? What if everyone in the family disbars me? _She couldn't see Matt doing that to her now, not after all these years. Her eyes closed as she remembered leaping into Matt's arms when he announced he would be back after his internship at the White House, she remembered dancing with him at Lucy's thirteenth birthday party, and when he had lifted her onto the counter on more than one occasion when she was little to pry information from her small noggin. _He's my big brother; he can't turn on me now; not when I need him most. _

Matt grabbed Ruthie by the shoulders, "This is a big deal; I'm not sure how big of a deal you realize this is. Having a baby is a miracle; it's life changing – you've always been mature for your age; I just…can't…" tears filled in his eyes. His arms wrapped around her and he pressed her body close to his. She could feel the moisture from his tears against her shirt. "…can't, believe my baby sister…I always thought you would be different…the one to wait until you were out of college to even think about getting married and having kids…" Her eyes closed, tears started to roll down her face as she clung onto her oldest brother.

She heard footsteps on the staircase. Her body flinched out of Matt's arms and she took her sleeve, wiping the tears from her eyes. She could feel her eyes still burning; Matt's eyes were red from tears.

A few seconds later three children barged in; Sam, David, and Erica. "Lucy and Chandler said you guys were up here!" Sam exclaimed.

"Daddy's here with Robbie, Patty Mary, and the baby!" Erica announced.

"Baby Camden is here!" David restated.

"Come on, let's go see the baby!" Sam exclaimed eagerly. The three children motioned Matt, Sarah, and Ruthie to follow them downstairs.

"Well," Sarah turned to Matt and Ruthie. "I don't know about you two, but I want to go see the baby!" _I've seen enough babies, _Ruthie thought. Her mind was further elsewhere, though. _Did they hear anything? _Ruthie wondered. She knew Sam and David had inherited the Camden snooping disorder. They were just as curious as she had been at their age. _What if they heard us? _She might as well be dead.

Ruthie looked at Matt. "Yeah, sure, let's go see the baby," he agreed with his wife. His voice was still raspy; it was obvious he had been crying.

"What's wrong Matt?" Sam asked, noticing the same.

"Nothing, Sam, I just have a cold coming on," Matt fibbed.

"You look like you've been crying," David commented.

"That tends to happen when you have a cold," Matt laughed forcibly.

"Let's go downstairs," Sarah gave her husband a little shove. Ruthie sighed; she too had to admit she was a little excited about seeing Robbie's baby. Babies were so cute; unfortunately, you can't judge a book by its cover. Cute meant nothing. All babies did was cry, poop, and sleep. _What have I gotten myself into? _

Robbie and Patty Mary sat on the couch; Patty Mary's arms cuddled a blue cocoon shaped object. Sam, David, and Erica eagerly ran over to the couch, cooing around the baby. "He's so cute!" Erica exclaimed then turned to her mom, who stood above her hiding a timid boy behind her. "Mommy, why can't you have another baby?"

Aunt Julie laughed at her daughter's request, "Well, sweetie, I love you and your brother just the way you are. I wouldn't ever want to take any attention away from you two."

"Mommy, why don't we come over to Aunt Annie's house more often?" Erica suddenly asked. "I want to play with Sam and David more often and their nieces and nephews!"

Aunt Julie turned to Annie, who was sitting in the chair in the corner of the sitting area, "We really should come over here more often. I think we will. Sam, David, and Erica get along so well."

Ruthie moved closer, following Matt and Sarah, towards Patty Mary and the baby. She looked down at the little round face. He was awake, and Ruthie could see into his dark coal black eyes – his father's black eyes. The little baby also had a head of coal black hair. Ruthie pictured a future mini-Robbie Palmer in her head.

"He is so cute," Ruthie agreed with her cousin, then turned to Robbie, "he looks just like his father."

"Aw, thanks Ruthie," Robbie smiled happily. Ruthie suddenly had a memory blast from the past.

Simon and Robbie were both standing on the stairway. Simon had made the remark, "I wonder if I'll ever marry."

Ruthie had immediately responded, "Nope, you'll never marry." Then she turned to Robbie and told him, "You, on the other hand, I feel will marry many times." Here, she had been wrong about Simon. Here he was happily married to Cecilia; everyone in the family was grateful that he had chosen Cecilia as his wife. Though, they were all a bit confused and upset that they weren't invited to the wedding. Here Robbie was, married to Patty Mary – Lucy's sister-in-law. Ruthie wondered what their future entailed. She looked at how Robbie looked into his wife's eyes and his son's. _There's another prediction gone wrong, _Ruthie decided.

Two very ambitious three year olds ran into the room chasing each other. "You can't get me!" Charlie cried; he was being chased by Vanessa Hamilton. They were followed by Lucy, Mary, Keisha, and Priscilla; Lucy with Savannah, Keisha with Nevaeh, and Priscilla with Sadie. Mary quickly grabbed her son.

"Charlie, what did we just talk about?" she asked her son in a warning voice.

"No running in house!" Charlie replied.

"That's right, so how about you and Nessie play a quiet game?" Mary suggested to her son.

"I know a quiet game!" exclaimed Nessie.

"Vannah wanna play!" Savannah fidgeted in her mother's arms. Lucy reluctantly put her daughter on the ground; the little girl raced over to her cousin. "Let's play!" she chirped.

"Ok, here the rules," Nessie announced. "The person who doesn't talk the longest wins!" Lucy, Mary, Keisha, and Priscilla all laughed Nessie's explanation of the quiet game.

"That no fun!" pouted Charlie. "I wanna play Cops and Robbers!"

"I have an idea," suggested Erica, butting in. "We could play hide and go seek!"

"Yeah! Let's all play hide and go seek!" Sam and David agreed at the same time. Ruthie sighed, they were all so cute together, but she had had enough. She departed the living room and entered the kitchen.

The Colonel and Grandma Ruth were sitting down at the table; each had a little girl and little boy in their lap—Jacob, Noah, Crissy, and Jenny. "There you are Ruthie, we've hardly seen you at all while we've been here!" cried her grandmother.

"Yeah, where has my – well I guess you aren't my youngest granddaughter anymore; you were for so many years – well, where has my little Ruthie been?" her grandfather asked. "My, you're growing up."

"Yeah, I guess I am," Ruthie sighed. "I-I've just been really upset."

"I can imagine you have been," her grandfather replied. "It's been a difficult time for all of us." _Oh Lord, what will the Colonel think of me when he finds out? _Ruthie shuddered. They had always feared the Colonel and Grandma Ruth's visits when they were kids. She looked at them, so frail and elderly now. They had no business being alone with four little ones.

"Here, let me help you here," Ruthie volunteered, grabbing one baby out of each of their laps. She held two babies now, one girl and one boy—she still struggled to tell them apart. Closely, she looked at the baby girl she held, and the baby girl her grandmother held. _The one I'm holding has deeper blue eyes, _Ruthie decided. She realized she must be holding Crissy, though she couldn't be sure.

"Thank you, Ruthie," Grandma Ruth responded graciously. "It seems just like yesterday we were holding you, I still can't believe we have six great-grandchildren, soon to be seven." _Eight, _Ruthie corrected to herself, but didn't dare speak aloud.

Just soon after, Matt and Sarah busted into the kitchen. "There you guys are!" they both cried at once. Sarah grabbed the baby boy out of Ruthie's arms, and Matt grabbed the boy out of the Colonel's arms. "We were worried about you guys."

"Worried about us?" the Colonel joked. "I'm the father of two—three if you count my adopted son, the grandfather of nine, and the great-grandfather of six; plus I'm a marine—I reckon I know all about babies."

"Oh, no," Matt laughed, "that's not what we mean—we didn't know the boys were with you, when we realized Mom didn't have them in the living room, we were concerned." He seemed to just realize Ruthie was in the room. Solemnly, he gaped into her eyes. _Something tells me our relationship will never be the same, _Ruthie dreaded. _I've really screwed up this time. If only this was not my fault. It's not, that's right. It's T-Bone's. Surely it's easier to blame this all on the deceased – in that case; why can't I just blame my father? _

_

* * *

_

_CREDITS:_

Lyrics: _Invincible – Crossfade_

If you're reading this I would love to hear your feedback. I hate to sound like I'm begging, but I – like anyone – love feedback. Positive and negative (as long as it's constructive)

A lot of you probably think I'm moving too slow, but I couldn't imagine moving much faster without it being entirely unrealistic. Don't worry; it won't be long until all havoc unravels… (By the way, the next chapter will be the original chapter 13…)


	17. Karma

**Note: **I will apologize for the length in advance… it's over 9,000 words and nearly twenty-five pages. This is the longest chapter I've ever uploaded anywhere. If you don't want to read it all, I guess you can just skip to the end… but I hope you'll read it all because it took me quite some time…XD

* * *

Outside Heaven

Chapter 17

Karma

Her dad left her no reason to blame him – despite leaving her behind on this cruel Earth. Ruthie heart churned at the thought of even blaming her father for her mistakes. Deep down, she knew whose fault this was. As Matt had said, it was her fault. It was her fault she had had sex, it was her fault she was pregnant, and for all she knew—it was her fault her father was dead. She felt like such a selfish brat; karma had kicked her in the butt at last.

That evening Simon, Cecilia, Nigel, and Lynn returned with enough pizzas for the entire house and their guests. Roxanne, Chandler, and Jeffrey had decided to go spend the evening with her father in an effort for Chandler to avoid the wrath of Lucy. Ruthie wondered what would come out of that. If Chandler returned to Glen Oak as the minister of their church, where would that leave them? Of course, if Lucy were to take over as minister – which Ruthie had to admit, wasn't necessarily the best idea – the house would remain in the family's custody. If Chandler took over as minister, then the house would rightfully be his. _We would have to move, _Ruthie thought. She wanted to get away from Glen Oak, but she didn't want to take her nut case of a family with her. Part of her wished Matt and Sarah weren't moving back to Glen Oak at this point in time. _Maybe they should wait until it's final we're going to still be living here, _Ruthie pondered.

Ruthie made sure to keep a close guard on Matt and Sarah during dinner. Her heart knew they wouldn't tell anyone, but she couldn't help but worry. _It's my news, I'll tell people when I'm ready; _Ruthie told herself. Matt wasn't the type of brother who would rat her out, he hadn't on any of the rest of them – though their parents always had other ways of finding out. _They've never done anything this stupid, _Ruthie thought. It wasn't their mother Ruthie was worried about him telling. In fact, she knew he wouldn't; he was just as worried about her reaction as she was. She was worried about him saying something to Mary or Lucy; since Mary already suspected. Ruthie wondered if Lucy had any idea whatsoever. _She's always the last to know because she's oblivious to the signs around her, _Ruthie decided. Lucy didn't pick up on cues and signs as easily as the rest of them, which meant likely she didn't know.

She couldn't help but notice Kevin's eerie glare at her during dinner. He was giving her goose bumps. She tried to avoid him, focusing primarily on her sausage pizza. _He knows something, _Ruthie worried. She remembered the night she fainted. _Kevin and Sarah both knew something was wrong with me. _It was after that, though, that Ruthie had heard Sarah suggesting to Matt that she had an eating disorder. If Kevin knew something else, he hadn't discussed it with Sarah – unless he, too, thought she had an eating disorder.

After dinner and everyone had departed from the kitchen and dining room, Kevin cornered her. "Ruthie, I need to talk to you," he told her in a fatherly voice.

"Okay," Ruthie responded slowly.

He led her outside, where they would be unheard by the others in the house. It was a frigid dark evening; the luminous full moon could be seen in full sight from the Camden back yard. Kevin placed his hand in his jacket's pocket and pulled out a familiar looking object. "Ruthie is this yours?" he sternly asked her.

She squinted, recognizing it as her positive pregnancy test. _He snooped, _Ruthie's worst fear had been confirmed. She had to know he would have done it. _I knew I should have taken the test outside of the house, _Ruthie moaned. "What's that?" Ruthie asked fiercely.

"Ruthie, I know it's yours," Kevin told her, "it has to be. I found it in the garbage can after you took out the trash two days ago, which was before Sarah, Mary, Cecilia, and the rest of our guests got here – so I know it's not theirs; I know it's not Lucy's because she's eighteen weeks along, and it's not your mother's because she's through menopause. Therefore, it has to be yours." _Great, _Ruthie's head spun. He added, "I would have questioned you sooner, but I wanted to wait until the funeral was over."

"Who have you told?" Ruthie mouthed, her heart started racing as she entered a cold sweat.

"I haven't told anybody," Kevin told her, "but I'm sure others have been able to figure it out, it's not like this isn't that obvious."

"Lucy?" Ruthie asked.

"As far as I know she's clueless," Kevin told her, "she's been ranting about what a selfish brat you have been lately; I'm sure she just thinks your terrible attitude is just about your father's death."

"Good. Let it stay that way," Ruthie murmured.

"Ruthie, if you think I'm going to let you get away with not telling your mother, you're wrong. You have to tell Mom, you need to get your affairs sorted out," Kevin told her. _What does he mean by "affairs"? _Ruthie wondered.

"Look, I don't know what you mean by that, but God – stay out of this, Kevin! You aren't my father, and you aren't my brother!" Ruthie fumed, clenching her fists as she resisted herself from punching Kevin. "This is _my _news, which means _I _will decide when the rest of the family needs to know! This isn't up for you to decide!" She spun around, and raged into the kitchen. Ruthie raced for the stairs, and she ran up to the second floor.

Before she made her way to the attic, she heard voices coming from the room Matt and Sarah were staying in. She pressed her ear against the door, Matt and Mary were talking.

"Come on, Matt, I know she told you something when you two were outside alone," Mary persisted. "Then you guys went up to her room, she revealed something to you – I know it."

"Mary, whatever Ruthie told Sarah and me is confidential," Matt responded. "I can't just break Ruthie's confidentiality."

"I don't see where the confidentiality is!" Mary cried. "She's your _sister _not your patient."

"Mary, yes she is my sister, and I take any personal matters my sisters share with me to be confidential – if it were you, you wouldn't want me telling Ruthie whatever your matter was," Matt informed her, "Sorry, Mare, but I'm not like you. I don't go around telling one of my sibling's private matters to the rest of my siblings."

"Oh this is still about Simon, isn't it?" Mary spat. "And don't call me Mare!" That had always been their father's pet name for Mary, only a few others had picked up on it. Ruthie could hear footsteps coming towards the door. She tried to make a run for it, but the door broke open too soon. Mary stood before her. "Speak of the devil," Mary huffed as she headed for the stairs.

Matt came towards her, and she made eye contact with him. "Thanks for that," Ruthie smiled weakly. She found herself wrapping her arms around her brother.

"Anytime," Matt whispered back. "We will make this work, Ruthie."

"We want hugs too!" they were interrupted by the twins. Ruthie looked up to see Sam and David standing before them already in their monkey pajamas.

"Come on over here then you little monkeys," Matt laughed. The twins raced over and wrapped their arms around their oldest brother. After letting go of Matt, they wrapped their arms around Ruthie.

"Ruthie, we have a question," Sam said after letting go of her.

"Yeah, what is that?" Ruthie responded to her eight-year-old brother.

"What does _'knocked up' _mean?" Sam asked curiously.

Ruthie's mouth dropped in shock as she glanced at Matt, he showed the same reaction. "Where did you hear that?" Ruthie asked Sam in a demanding tone.

"We heard Mary tell Carlos if you got knocked up at seventeen she was going to kill you," David replied.

"We don't want Mary to kill you," Sam added sadly, "we don't want to lose another family member; we miss Dad too much."

"I love you, Ruthie!" David exclaimed.

"I love you too, Ruthie, I hope you don't get yourself knocked up," Sam told her.

"Don't worry about it, guys, Mary doesn't know what she's talking about," Ruthie assured the boys.

"Nobody in this family is going to kill anyone," Matt told his littlest brothers. "Mary's just very confused right now."

"Good!" the boys both approved of at the same time.

"Goodnight Matt and Ruthie!" Sam exclaimed.

"Yeah, goodnight," David added. They both gave their brother and sister one last hug before heading off into their bedroom – the notorious Hello Kitty room.

After the boys disappeared from sight Ruthie looked up at her brother, "This isn't going to go down well."

Matt sighed, "I wish I could tell you differently, but you're right; it won't. All I can do is suggest that you go get a good night's sleep, Sarah told me she is going to get in touch with her friend – hopefully we can get you into see her as soon as possible."

"Yeah," Ruthie muttered. "I would like to see a doctor before I tell Mom…you know, so everything is official."

"I don't blame you," Matt agreed. "Sarah had three false pregnancy tests about four years ago." _There is still hope, _Ruthie thought. _What am I kidding myself?_

"Yeah," Ruthie murmured. "I guess I'll go to bed, goodnight."

"Night Ruthie," Matt told her, "And don't forget: I love you."

"Yeah," Ruthie whispered. "I love you too."

OooO

Sleep hadn't come easily for her that night. She found herself lying awake, tossing and turning throughout the night. Her eyes kept fixing back on the clock; as nine o'clock became ten o'clock and ten o'clock became eleven o'clock. Somewhere after that she must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew she was being shaken awake. Her eyes opened and met with her brother's.

"Good morning sleepy head," Matt grinned weakly. Ruthie shot a glance at the clock, it was already nine o'clock. She had slept through morning sickness. After making that realization, she realized her stomach was rumbling. _Eggs, _she thought_, scrambled eggs. _"Anyway, Sarah talked to her friend, and she says she'll make a special opening for you during her lunch hour," Matt told her. _That was quick, _Ruthie thought. In fact, it was much sooner than she had originally planned.

"That's g-great," Ruthie replied, still feeling a bit weak and disorientated from just being abruptly awaken.

"Here's the game plan," Matt started, "you're going to clean yourself up, come downstairs; the Hamilton's are here to say goodbye before they leave for New York around ten—Grandma Ruth and the Colonel left without bothering to say goodbye—anyway, as they're leaving Sarah, you, and I are going to _sneak _out, and to buy some time we're going to go look at houses…"

"What about the Jake and Noah?" Ruthie butted in curiously.

"Oh," Matt muttered, "we'll take them with us…anyway, you got it?"

"Yeah, crystal clear," Ruthie smiled, still groggy.

"God Ruthie, all I can say is…you better appreciate this, you know I could have just as easily made you go tell Mom right off the back."

"You wouldn't do that," Ruthie declared, "You said it yourself, Mom's already got enough stress on her plate." _Kevin_, she remembered. She wondered if Kevin had since talked to anyone. _He wouldn't, would he? _He would. She knew Kevin and her mother were close. "Matt," she whispered, "have you talked to Kevin?"

Matt shook his head, "Not recently, why?"

"He knows," Ruthie replied. "He found the pregnancy test that I threw out in the trash can and managed to put two and two together."

"Well, he hasn't said anything to me," Matt shrugged. "And why was he digging through the trash can?"

Ruthie shrugged; she avoided that question. "He wanted me to tell Mom last night," Ruthie told her brother.

"I don't think he'd tell her for you," Matt stated. "I would think he'd understand this is your news, not his."

"That's what I told him…I told him he wasn't my father and he wasn't my brother," Ruthie sighed. "Hopefully he didn't say anything." Matt didn't reply; he only stared at her blankly. "What! He's not my brother; you and Simon are my only older brothers. Kevin seems to think he's taken your place."

"Well, he did," Matt replied bluntly. "When you think about it, he did move in the year I left."

"But he's not you," Ruthie insisted.

"Speaking of Simon…" Matt trailed off the subject of Kevin. "You might want to break this to him before you tell Mom."

Ruthie sighed. She didn't want to think about how Simon would react. It only a couple years ago Simon had tried lecturing her all about pre-marital sex. _He was such a hypocrite, _Ruthie thought. If anyone should understand what Ruthie was going through, it was Simon. He had _almost _been in her exact situation before. Except for two minor details: one, he was the guy – the guy had it so much easier; and two, Georgia lied about being pregnant. _Still, Simon should be able to sympathize with me. _She promised, "I'll tell him after the appointment."

Matt nodded, "I think he and Cecilia are going to tell Mom this afternoon about the job; I know Cecilia has invited her parents over for dinner tonight – so I'm presuming they're going to break the news during dinner, or shortly before."

"Which means you're breaking your news during dinner?" Ruthie questioned.

"I guess we are, though I haven't told Sarah about that yet," Matt laughed.

"You don't have to," Ruthie shrugged, "she never asked you if I could tell our parents about your eloping."

Matt chuckled, "Good point."

OooO

All had seemed to be going as planned. Ruthie had cleaned up and gone downstairs where she came face to face with the Hamilton's and the majority of her family. She scoped the room, noticing someone was missing. It took her a few moments_; Kevin. _Lucy sat on the couch next to Mary and Simon – Cecilia behind him; the three oldest Hamilton children were across from them. Neil was standing behind Keisha and Keisha held Nevaeh, Ruthie swore Keisha never let that girl out of her arms. Sam, David, Charlie, Savannah, and Vanessa were lying on the floor coloring in some old color books; for all they knew they might have originally have been Matt's. Sadie was lying next to her older sister observing the older children. Priscilla, Morgan, and Patricia were overseeing the five children.

Lynn seemed to be trying to occupy Crissy and Jenny, who for eleven months were remarkably active. The two stood at the same height; until now, Ruthie hadn't seen them walk. Not only did they walk, they ran. Lynn seemed to be making it her mission to prevent them from getting into any trouble.

Matt and Sarah each held one of their boys protectively; which prevented their feet from touching the floor. "You know, you're going to have to let them walk sooner rather than later," Ruthie saw Mary turn her head nagging Matt and Sarah just as Ruthie was entering the room.

"There you are Ruthie!" Sarah proclaimed, reluctantly avoiding Mary.

Ruthie's mother turned her head, "Good morning, Ruthie, sweetie – you missed breakfast."

"Your mom made pancakes for us all," Lynn looked up at Ruthie gleaming; she had picked up one of the girls.

"That sounds delicious," Ruthie commented trying to sound a little disappointed. Though, she was hardly disappointed. For some reason, she felt no urge to eat.

"Ruthie, if someone didn't already get to them, I put some leftovers in the refrigerator," her mother smiled warmly.

"Oh, okay," Ruthie forced a smile. "Where is Kevin?"

"He took Robbie, Patty Mary, and the baby to the airport," Lucy spoke up.

"I wish they would have stayed a few more days," Annie sighed. "Little Camden is so adorable, and I really do feel they should have rested up a little bit more before taking a new born on a flight."

"At least it's only a four hour flight," Mary shrugged.

"_Only _a four hour flight, Mary?" Sarah asked sarcastically. "I remember a certain somebody who couldn't stop complaining about taking a five hour flight with five children under the age of four."

"Get over yourself," Mary rolled her eyes. Sarah bit her lip and Matt gave Mary a stern look. Ruthie made eye contact with her mother, and then with Matt and Sarah. They were all thinking the same thing_, not again_. Mary looked up at Ruthie, giving her a smug look. Ruthie knew Mary was upset with her for confiding in Matt, but not her. However, Ruthie figured she was more upset with Matt for not passing along the information.

Lucy opened her mouth to say something, but Morgan spoke up before Lucy got the chance to say what she was going to say. "We really should get going," Morgan amplified, making a quick glance at his watch. "It's almost ten o'clock, and we have a flight to catch." He turned to all of his children, "Come on kids, it's time to round up the flock and say your goodbyes."

"Waaah!" Nessie cried looking at her grandfather. "I don't wanna say bye-bye to Vannah and Charlie!"

"Aww, Nessie don't worry, you'll see Charlie and Savannah again soon I'm sure," Priscilla told her daughter.

"You know," John said looking up at Matt and Mary. "We're only a few hours out of New York City. We really should get together more often." He turned his head towards Carlos, "Especially since Charlie and Vanessa are the same age, it would be good for Vanessa to have a friend her own age. At home, all she has are the older kids in the neighborhood and her little sister and cousin."

"That's a great idea," Mary agreed, she turned to Keisha, "and Nevaeh is only two months older than Crissy and Jenny, so they'll be in the same grade."

Keisha laughed, "Yeah, maybe they can be friends like you, Lucy, and me."

"Well, say your goodbyes," Morgan insisted. "We really have a flight to catch."

Lynn placed the little girl she was holding on the ground and made her way to wrap her arms around Ruthie. "It was great seeing you," Lynn smiled. "Hopefully we can see each other again soon."

"Yeah, hopefully," Ruthie agreed uneasily. _Next time you see me I'll be known as the resident Camden screw-up, you won't want to know me, _Ruthie thought.

"Well, I'll see you on Facebook," Lynn told her jokingly.

As the Hamilton clan filed up at the door, Ruthie felt a tug on her shirt. She turned to see Matt and Sarah with their boys. "Now's our chance," Matt whispered, "We can make a clean break-a-way."

Ruthie followed Matt and Sarah through the kitchen, outside, and into the garage. All five of the car seats had been placed in the garage for safe keeping. Matt and Sarah hurriedly snapped the boys in the car seats of Mom's van. Ruthie didn't bother to ask how Matt had managed to obtain her car keys.

Just as Matt got behind the wheel, the garage door screeched open. Ruthie heart fell_, we're busted. _She pressed her nose against the window to see Sam enter the garage. "Go!" Ruthie yelled. _And have he go tell Mom? Crap, I'm busted either way. _

Matt opened the door, "What are you doing out here, Sam?"

"Where's David?" Sarah asked Sam.

"He's inside, I saw you guys come out here. Where are you going?" he asked curiously.

"We're – uh – going to go get some cold medicine," Matt made a coughing sound. _He's just as bad of a liar as he was as a teenager, _Ruthie thought, smacking her face with her palm.

"Oh, why are you taking Ruthie and Jake and Noah then?" Sam asked.

"Because they need cold medicine too," Matt assured.

"I want to go too!" Sam cried as he opened the sliding door and jumped in the backseat. "I'm coming too."

"Sam…" Matt started.

"You either let me go with you or I'm going to go tell Mom what you're up to," Sam indicated. "Because I don't think you're really going to get cold medicine." Ruthie was amazed with the cleverness Sam was picking up on. _He got it all from me, _Ruthie prided herself. "I think this has to do with what you were crying about yesterday."

Ruthie looked at her smallest brother, and then up at Matt and Sarah. They were both as shocked as she was with the smallest Camden brother's ability to decode the happenings. "Sam, you can't say anything to Mom about any of this, got it?" Matt told his little brother as he started to pull out of the driveway before anyone else could interrupt them.

"I got it!" Sam exclaimed happily. _This is his first official Camden mission, _Ruthie thought to herself. All of her life she had been covering up for her older siblings, now here she was involving her younger brother in her own mishaps. It felt weird knowing Sam and David were old enough to be involved in the notorious Camden _mischief. _"So where are we going?" Sam asked.

"That depends," Matt indicated, "what do you know?"

"I know a lot of stuff. I know how to do fractions, Dad taught David and me before he died—."

"Sam." Matt said sternly. "What do you know about Ruthie?"

"I know that you and she were crying yesterday. Me, David, and Erica heard you guys before we came up the stairs. I also know Mary's very mad at you and Ruthie…she thinks Ruthie's knocked, which David and me still don't know the meaning to!" Sam proclaimed. _In other words, neither knows the real truth._

Matt looked through the rear view mirror at Ruthie, "Are you going to tell him?"

"Isn't he a little young?" Ruthie asked. "He won't understand."

"Ruthie," Sarah started, "he's obviously old enough to understand that something is wrong, I think he'll understand."

"I'm eight!" Sam exclaimed. "I'm going to be in third grade next year!" Ruthie thought back to when she was eight and in third grade. She was eight when the twins were born; at eight Ruthie had been into plenty of mischief herself. Everything she had done was so much more minor compared to this; like not telling Matt that Shana had called for him. The matter at hand now was just too much for an eight year old to handle. _Not that it matters, I'm going to be forced to spill when I get home anyway, _Ruthie decided.

"Sam," Ruthie whispered, "_knocked up _means pregnant."

"Does that mean you're going to have a baby?" Sam asked curiously.

Ruthie nodded her head, "I think I am."

"That's cool!" Sam exclaimed. "Why weren't we invited to your wedding?"

"What?" Ruthie asked. _I was right, he's too young, _Ruthie told herself.

"Well, to have a baby you have to be married, don't you?" Sam asked.

"No, Sam," Matt interrupted. "Ruthie isn't married; you don't need to be married to have a baby."

"But that's what Dad always said!" Sam accused. "He lied!"

Matt sighed, and Sarah glanced back at Ruthie with a _"You were right" _look. Ruthie knew she was right. "Sam, you cannot say anything to Mom about this!" Ruthie demanded. "I will tell her."

"Okay," Sam said. "I won't say anything to Mom."

Matt pulled into the driveway of a ranch styled home. The _For Sale _and _Open House Today: 10 - 4_ signs showed clearly on the front lawn. Ruthie looked at the digital clock in the front of the car; it was only ten-thirty. They at had least a good hour before they were due to be at this doctor's office. "What are we doing?" Sam asked curiously.

"We're just going to look at this house, that's all," Matt told Sam.

"Are you moving back here?" Sam asked excitedly.

"We're thinking about it," Sarah answered. Matt and Sarah each grabbed a boy; Ruthie and Sam followed them into the house.

A fresh cinnamon scent filled Ruthie's nostrils as they entered the home. She scoped the entry way, it was fully furnished – obviously someone was still living there. A portrait of a smiling man and woman with two small red haired boys hung on the entry way wall. The green carpet pressed on their feet as they walked into the kitchen.

They were greeted by a lengthy dark haired realtor. She urged Matt and Sarah to sign in the guest book, leaving their name and number. "Your children are so adorable," she commented. "You're so young, though."

"Oh," Matt laughed, "Ruthie's not our—."

"We're his brother and sister!" Sam exclaimed. "Jake and Noah are our nephews."

"Oh, of course," the realtor laughed. "I apologize. So where are you guys from?"

"I was born and raised right here in Glen Oak," Matt informed her, "My wife and I graduated last year from Colombia University with degrees in medicine. My father passed away just recently, so we are planning on moving back to Glen Oak to be closer to our families. You see, I have six little brothers and sisters. My father was a minister, and hers is a rabbi." Her face showed shock at Matt's last statement. Matt and Sarah didn't seem to notice or care, Ruthie figured they were used to that by now.

"Oh, I see," the realtor responded. "Wait… you're not the children of that Reverend Camden? There was a huge article in the paper about him yesterday… a woman went into labor at his funeral?" There were a few newscasters in their congregation. It didn't surprise Ruthie that it had hit the papers. They didn't receive the newspaper at home, so none of them would have seen it.

Matt laughed lightly, "Yeah. That was my father."

"And you're the doctor who delivered the baby?" the woman assumed.

"She had a baby boy!" Sam butted in excitedly and informed her, "She named him Camden Eric Palmer."

"Well that was nice of her… wait… Palmer, that name sounds familiar… I had a friend in college who used to date a Robbie Palmer." _Cheryl? _Ruthie thought. Ruthie remembered Cheryl plain and clear. Robbie had cheated on Mary with Cheryl, and Cheryl with Mary. Then, Robbie had almost married Cheryl because he thought she was pregnant. It turned out she wasn't pregnant, so they broke up. Awhile later, Matt dated her.

"I see," Matt said, "anyway we're here to see the house – so, if you don't mind we're just going to look around." He suddenly seemed a little nervous._ I take it Sarah doesn't know about Cheryl, _Ruthie thought.

"Oh of course," the realtor laughed, "Be my guest."

The house consisted of two small bedrooms and a mediocre sized master bedroom. There was one small bathroom, and Ruthie had always thought their bathroom at home was small. Regardless, the house didn't give Matt and Sarah a lot of room to expand their family.

"So, how many more children are you planning on having?" Ruthie whispered.

Matt looked at Sarah, who shrugged. "I really do want a girl," Sarah commented.

"So you're just going to keep trying until you have a girl?" Ruthie assumed. She remembered a boy she went to school with in elementary. He had five other brothers; they had ended up with six boys just because their mother wanted a girl—which she never got. After six, she had decided "that's enough." _Our parents should have stopped after Mary, technically, _Ruthie thought_, they had a boy and a girl—isn't that every parent's dream? _Of course, they couldn't keep their hands off of each other and her father was a strong activist against birth control which he preached to all of his children. Ruthie remembered her father telling her_, "God has a plan for every child that is conceived, and it's our mission to make sure each child has a chance to live; that's why abortion and birth control are wrong." _Ruthie could never picture having an abortion, though she wasn't quite so sure what was wrong about birth control—since the child wasn't conceived yet. _Oh, right, it's preventing a child from being conceived. _Ruthie wondered if her father knew that her mother had been on the pill when she got pregnant with the twins. If only she had had birth control; though obviously their family seemed to be immune to it – so likely, it wouldn't have done her any good.

Matt and Sarah's faces looked a little frightened when Ruthie said that. "Matt told me before we got married he would have anywhere between one and seven children," Sarah told Ruthie, and turning to Matt she asked, "What do you think about that now?"

"I think, well I think, I don't know how our parents managed seven children," Matt answered. "Actually, I don't know how they managed five."

"I think it has something to do with the fact Mom stayed at home," Ruthie commented. "You guys are never home."

Matt sighed, "You're right. It's sad to think that my father's death has not only brought me back into contact with people I haven't seen in years, it's given me time to spend time with my own children that I should see everyday."

A ring tone alarmed them all at once. _It's not my cell phone, _Ruthie knew, looking at Matt and Sarah. "It's mine," Sarah muttered. She pulled out her phone. "Hello, Dr. Glass speaking" … "Oh hi, Annie." _No! Not my mother. _Sarah looked at them all, covering her receiver and mouthed, "What do I tell her?"

Matt looked frightfully at Ruthie. "You mean you didn't predict this scenario?" Ruthie whispered. Matt shrugged.

Another ring tone went off; he carefully reached for his phone, "Hello, Dr. Camden speaking" … "Hey Simon"…_Simon. _

Seconds later, Ruthie's phone vibrated in her pocket. She was in a cold sweat, as she nervously reached for her phone. The caller identification read _Kevin_. She face palmed her head. He was one of the last persons she wanted to talk to. "Hi Kevin," she answered, her mind had drifted away from Matt and Sarah as they babbled to her mother and Simon.

"Ruthie! Where are you?" Kevin spat. "Your mother is worried sick about you! Is Sam with you?" He sure knew how to cut to the chase.

"Relax," Ruthie muttered calmly. "Sam and I are with Matt and Sarah."

"Why are you and Sam with Matt and Sarah? Why didn't you take David? Why didn't you tell someone where you were going?" Kevin asked sternly in a series.

"Look. Matt and Sarah were taking me to the doctor and Sam begged to come along. Kevin, please don't tell my mom if you haven't already. _I _want to tell her," Ruthie begged.

"Ruthie, I really don't think it's a good idea for you to be sneaking around like this, and it's even worse for Matt to be sneaking around with you. I'm going to have to have a word with him about this," Kevin told Ruthie.

"Well, here he is," Ruthie smiled, handing Matt the phone. He had just hung up the phone with Simon. Sarah was still rambling onto her mother. She was a horrible liar. Ruthie caught her say that she and Matt had taken Sam and her for ice cream. _Why would she say that? _Ruthie's head screamed_, she'll wonder why we hadn't gotten ice cream for everyone. _

"Hello…" Matt answered nervously. "…look, Mom has enough on her plate – Ruthie hasn't even been to a doctor yet, I would rather have it be confirmed before we go worry her any further" … "I'm her older brother, I think I know what is best for my sister." _Bam! You go Matt! _Ruthie cheered to herself. "…Kevin, she'll tell Mom as soon as we get home and everything is official, I'll make sure of it." _No, no, no, _Ruthie sighed. Matt ended the call without saying anything further and handed the phone back to Ruthie.

Sarah finally ended the call, "It looks like we're bringing ice cream back for everyone."

"Hah, no," Matt said. "You should have just told her what I told Simon: it's a surprise, we'll tell you when we get home." He turned to Ruthie, "I did tell Simon you were going to tell him something when we got home. So, I told him to meet us in the backyard around one—we should hopefully be home by then."

"Wonderful," Ruthie rolled her eyes.

Matt glanced at his watch, and turned to Sarah, "It's almost eleven-fifteen, didn't you tell your friend eleven-thirty?"

"Yes! We better go," she responded quickly. They rapidly left the house without saying a peep to that loquacious realtor. Matt sped, nearly running a stop sign. Ruthie's heart started to race with the speed of the car, she had never seen her brother speed so fast. He had always been such a cautious driver; he always feared losing his license.

Ruthie's heart leaped when she heard sirens. She stretched her neck around. A newly designed black and white police car that read _Glen Oak Police _on its side was directly behind them. "Crap," she heard Matt mutter as he pulled over. A tall, dark haired, familiar looking officer stepped out. _It's Jeff! _Ruthie recognized his face from two days ago.

Jeff walked up to the side of the car, "License and – Matt Camden; no way!"

"Jeff?" Matt was shocked. "I can't believe it's you, it's been like eleven years!"

"I know. I was at the funeral two days ago, you know? I looked for you before the funeral, but I couldn't find you – though I talked to your little sister –."

"Which one would that be?"

"Ruthie," Jeff grinned, looking into the car and spotted her. "She's grown up so much."

Matt nodded slowly, "That she has, she's certainly not five anymore."

"I'll tell you what," Jeff said slowly. "Since you were twenty miles over the speed limit, I'm supposed to cut you a big ticket; but I'll let you go with a warning if you make me a deal."

"Sure, I'll take anything," Matt laughed.

"Well here's the deal, if you and Mary can meet me for dinner tonight at the pool hall around six to catch up – I would be honored."

"You do know Mary's married, right?" Matt questioned.

"Yeah, Ruthie told me."

"Alright, it's a deal," Matt agreed. _Good luck with getting Mary to consent to that, _Ruthie thought to herself.

"Well I'll see you tonight, I take it since you were speeding you have somewhere important to be – so I'll let you go. I'll see you guys tonight!" Jeff smiled and headed back to his car.

Matt slowly started up the ignition, "I couldn't have been luckier – I can't believe Jeff's a cop."

"Is that one of Mary's old boyfriends?" Sarah asked suspiciously.

"Remember when Mary and Lucy were talking about what a protective big brother Matt was after Patty Mary's water broke?" Ruthie asked, she saw Sarah nod, "Well that's the Jeff that Matt tried to prevent Mary from dating."

"I can't believe I forgot about that," Matt laughed. "She just had to date my best friend."

"Yeah, good luck getting her to go out with you tonight," Ruthie told him.

"Mary won't be upset with me anymore when _you _tell her everything," Matt told her.

"I'm not—."

"—yes, you are. As your older brother I will make sure of it."

"You don't have to be such a Kevin about it," Ruthie shot at him as she rolled her eyes.

They pulled into the parking lot of a small run down house-shaped building. _So this is where my life ends, _Ruthie thought. A small sign on the building read: _Dr. Rosa Smith, OB-GYN._ Paint chipped from the siding; the siding looked like it could be about a hundred years old. The steps they walked up were cracked; Ruthie feared she would fall in. Something about this setting made Ruthie feel very uncomfortable. Regardless, she trusted her sister-in-law's judgment.

When they entered the house, a bell rang. The "waiting" room was designed like any living room. Two couches and a big comfy chair filled the room. They surrounded a big plasma screen television. Large beautiful paintings hung on the wall and a fish tank sat in the corner of the room. Overall, the room was very pretty – quite the opposite of the outside.

A plump, dark haired woman came gleaming through the hallway. "Sarah!" she cried as she wrapped her arms around Sarah. "You haven't changed since high school!"

Sarah simpered turning to Matt, Ruthie, and Sam, "This is my friend Rosa – Dr Smith now – we went to high school together."

"Nice to meet you," Matt shook her hand, shifting his son to his left arm and bringing out his right arm to shake her hand. "I'm her husband, Matt."

"I'm Matt's brother Sam!" Sam gleamed as he reached his hand out to shake her hand.

She laughed, "He's cute. It's so nice to meet you all – and who are these little guys?"

"This is Noah," Sarah introduced the little guy in her arms, then she placed her hand on the little boy's head in Matt's arms, "and this is Jacob."

"Adorable, absolutely adorable," Dr. Smith grinned. She turned to Ruthie. Ruthie felt her face flush red, her stomach turned as she felt embarrassed to be herself. "You must be Ruthie."

Ruthie nodded slowly, "I wish I weren't, but I am."

"Well, why don't you come with me," she motioned her to follow her. Dr. Smith turned to Matt and Sarah, "Feel free to help yourselves to the television. Watch whatever you'd like." She followed Dr. Smith through a hallway, similar to the one in her own house. They entered the room at the end of the hallway. A queen sized bed was placed in the middle of the room, taking up part of the room. The rest of the room was filled with other medical utensils one could expect to see in any patient room. "So, Ruthie," Dr. Smith started, "I'm going to ask you some routine questions."

Ruthie nodded nervously, "Alright." She took a seat on the foot of the bed and crossed her legs.

"When is your eighteenth birthday?"

"December twenty-eighth."

"When was your last period?"

"Umm…" Ruthie started. She felt uncomfortable with this stranger asking her such personal questions. "Around the second week in April."

She asked her a series of questions, involving several family history questions. One had been if her family had any history of miscarriages. "My sister miscarried twins last summer, my mother didn't have any problems having babies. There are seven of us after all," had been Ruthie's response. She kept writing on her clipboard, writing down all of Ruthie's responses.

"How long have you been sexually active?"

Ruthie felt her face burn red. She had never considered herself to be _sexually active_. "Uh, I've only done it once – five weeks ago, with my ex-boyfriend…he died in a car crash a few days ago," she responded without emotion.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Dr. Smith told her. Ruthie rolled her eyes. "You don't seem upset about his death? He is your baby's father."

"Unfortunately," Ruthie muttered. _Martin should be the father_.

"Do you know the conception date?" she asked.

"How could I forget?" Ruthie asked contemptuously. "April twenty-third."

"That makes your due date January fourteenth." _That's wonderful, _Ruthie thought. January felt so far away. She imagined her stomach exploding, the thought made her cringe. "Ruthie," Dr. Smith said slowly. "You really don't want this baby, do you?"

"What seventeen-year-old wants a baby?" Ruthie shot.

"You'd be surprised," Dr. Smith chuckled; she sat down on the bed next to her and wrapped her arm around her. A chill flinched over Ruthie's body. "Ruthie, have you considered your options?"

"There are no options," Ruthie responded stiffly. "I have to keep this baby – abortion is wrong, I can't imagine killing a human life; and I can't imagine anyone else raising my flesh and blood except me."

"Have you told your mother?" she asked.

"No," Ruthie replied. A tear started to roll down her cheek. "My father just died, she has it bad enough right now. My brother Simon and his wife are moving to London, she doesn't know yet – but once she does she's going to freak out. Once I tell her this she's going to kill me if it doesn't kill her!"

"I don't know your mother," Dr. Smith responded, "but I don't think she'll kill you. She might be upset at first, but being the mother of seven children I'm sure she understands everyone makes mistakes."

"You don't know my mom," Ruthie replied. "Exactly, you said it…she and my sister Lucy have this house for teen moms…"

"A house for teen moms, eh?" Dr. Smith asked. "Wouldn't that make you think they'd support you more?"

"No," Ruthie answered. "My family is full of hypocrites."

Dr. Smith smiled friendly, "Talk to your mom, you might be surprised."

"You talk like you have experience in this area," Ruthie observed.

"Well, I do specify my profession solely to teenaged mothers," Dr. Smith told her. "I've had to tell quite a share of parents that their daughters are going to become mothers. If you need me to help you tell your mother, I'm here too. Though, I have a feeling your brother and sister-in-law would be better at helping you tell her than me."

"My brother says I have to tell her when we go home," Ruthie sighed. "Sarah told my mom we were getting ice cream – she's a terrible liar."

Dr. Smith laughed, "She always was." She placed her hand on Ruthie's leg, "Sarah and I were best friends all throughout high school, she moved here our freshman year. I'm sure I have plenty of stories I could tell you." Ruthie raised her eyebrows. "And if you choose to continue seeing me, over the next eight months, I'll gladly share a few of them with you."

"Is that some sort of bribe?" Ruthie questioned suspiciously.

"Oh, no, no bribe – I don't bribe my patients," Dr. Smith laughed, "Though some of them might think I do with the television in the waiting room." Ruthie smiled to herself; it turned out Sarah _did _know what she was doing by sending her here. Suddenly, Ruthie felt an uncannily comfortable talking to Dr. Smith.

She continued the exam, taking her weight and examining her body. Ruthie was a bit disturbed to see she had already gained five pounds. She wondered how much she would gain by the time she gave birth, the thought frightened her. _I have no business having a baby at seventeen. _Her due date was in January – she would be eighteen by then; _a legal adult. _

When all was said and done, and Dr. Smith had given Ruthie a bottle of prenatal vitamins and instructed her when to take them, they returned to the waiting area. The television screen was airing an episode of _Arthur. _Sam seemed to be indulged in it. Jacob and Noah seemed to have dozed off.

"So, how did it go?" Sarah asked.

"It went," Ruthie replied bluntly.

"I think we got to know each other pretty well," Dr. Smith smiled. She looked at Ruthie, "Didn't we?"

"Oh yeah, she told me all kinds of gossip from your high school years," Ruthie joked.

"I'd be interested in hearing that," Matt perked up.

Dr. Smith laughed, "I guess you can say I bribed Ruthie with stories from our high school years."

"There is really nothing to hide," Sarah insisted, "Just normal teenager stuff." _Normal teenager stuff, right, _Ruthie thought_, at least you weren't pregnant. _Ruthie was so grateful she had already graduated. She didn't have to walk the same halls her brothers and sisters had before as a _pregnant _teenager.

The ride home wasn't entirely delightful. Knowing it was all official killed her heart. Matt and Sarah didn't say a word in the car, and even Sam was unusually quiet. She wondered what they had told him while she was being examined. It was already one o'clock now, which meant she had been in with Dr. Smith a whole hour and a half.

Returning home had an eerie feeling to it. Knowing that in a matter of minutes her mother would know her seventeen-year-old daughter was pregnant made Ruthie want to jump off a cliff.

They entered the back yard to find Simon sitting on the bench. When he saw them, he sprung up, "There you guys are!" He turned to Ruthie, "What is it that you wanted to tell me?" _Want to? More like have to. _

"Ruthie's going to have a baby!" Sam cried in excitement.

"W-what?_!_" Simon howled. "This – no – can't – be – Sam, Ruthie – say – something." He came closer to his sister in shock; he placed his hands on her shoulders. "Ruthie – you – can't – have – a baby – you – promised – you'd – wait."

Ruthie gave a look in disgust at Sam. "Hey! You told me not to tell _Mom_! You didn't tell me not to tell Simon!"

"Get out of here Sam!" yelled Ruthie angrily.

"Fine," muttered Sam and he ran into the house.

Ruthie looked at Matt who said, "We'll leave you two alone and go keep an eye on Sam." Matt, Sarah, and their boys quickly followed Sam into the kitchen.

She looked up at Simon, her closest brother. They had done everything together before he entered high school, then they had drifted away. Now, here they were more distant than ever before. When Simon had started going "girl-crazy" he had forgotten about his little sister at home. Ruthie remembered when Matt had gotten married. Simon had been so upset when Matt had chosen Robbie as his best man. After all, Simon had looked at being best man as passing the "big brother baton." _He was sure some big brother, _Ruthie thought. The year after Matt had left all Simon had done was focus on _girls_. Particularly, Cecilia. Then, of course, he hit that boy and fled to college the next year. They had barely communicated since.

"Is it what he said true?" Simon asked. "Please tell me that Sam's misunderstanding something, he's only eight – Ruthie?"

Ruthie shook her head, "I wish I could tell you that." She closed her eyes and whispered, "It's true."

"No!" Simon cried upsettingly. A tear rolled down his face. "You were supposed to wait. You weren't supposed to follow in my footsteps."

"Simon, don't lecture me! Alright!" Ruthie spat. "If anything you should be happy! This makes your news seem _good _after all!"

"Cecilia's parents just got here a little bit ago," he whispered. "We were waiting until you and Matt got home to tell them. I'll be honest with you Ruthie, I didn't see this coming. I wish I had." Apparently they weren't waiting until dinner.

"I'm glad you didn't," Ruthie muttered.

"You're right, this does make my news seem good," he shrugged. "Tell Mom after Cecilia and I break our news, alright?"

"Sounds like a plan," Ruthie shrugged. She headed into the kitchen, being followed by Simon. They proceeded into the living room. The living room consisted of only her family, in-laws, and Cecilia's parents. Their house was official empty of guests, which meant it was time for all havoc to unravel.

Lucy seemed extraordinarily bubbly. She was sitting on Kevin's lap gleaming with smiles. _I take it they got good news, _Ruthie thought_, boy? _Simon walked over to Cecilia and placed his hand on Cecilia's shoulder. Their expressions contrasted Lucy's. They were stiff and nerve-looking. Simon was holding back a tear. _God, don't get all mushy on me yet, _Ruthie sighed to herself.

"So, you were saying you have some news for us?" Cecilia's mother asked, turning towards her daughter.

"Yes, we do," Cecilia responded uneasily.

"Well do tell us!" her father insisted. "We haven't all day."

"Well," Cecilia started. "I-I'm pregnant."

Their parents gleamed. "That's fantastic!" Cecilia's mother cried as she wrapped her arms around her daughter. "Did you hear that George? We're finally going to be grandparents!"

"Congratulations, son," George smiled placing his hand on Simon's shoulder.

Annie wrapped her arms around Cecilia and then Simon too. "It's always exciting to hear I'm going to have another grandchild." _Yeah, Mom, I hope you still think that in a few minutes, _Ruthie thought. "How far along are you?" Annie asked Cecilia.

"Well," Cecilia looked up at Simon.

"Tell her," Simon told his wife softly.

"I'm nineteen weeks…" She tightened her baggy shirt closer to her skin; her small baby bump was revealed.

"Wait," George started, "is this why you guys got married so quickly without bothering to invite your family?"

Simon and Cecilia both looked at each other and shrugged. "Yeah," Cecilia replied. "I'm sorry Dad, but I didn't want to be like – well I didn't want to wait until my kid was seventeen…you know…"

"There's nothing wrong with what we did!" George cried.

"George…" Gwen warned. "We love Simon, and that's all that matters – she could have ended up with someone a whole lot worse."

"Like that Martin kid," George huffed, "I'm still upset with what he did to Meredith." _Oh God, did he really have to bring Martin into this? _Ruthie thought. She knew Meredith was hurt badly when Martin broke the news to her that another woman was having his baby. It was hard to believe Martin and Cecilia had actually dated the year after Simon left to college. Ruthie knew Martin wasn't a bad guy; he had just ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Wow, Simon, wow," Lucy said, "I can't believe you – well actually, I take that back, I can believe you – but really…why did you _hide _this from us?"

"Why do you think I hid this from you?" Simon asked.

"We're not as evil as you seem to think we are!" Lucy shrieked.

"Yeah you are," Ruthie butted in.

"Oh you stay out of this!" Lucy spat at Ruthie. _Does she know? _Ruthie wondered. She looked at Kevin, who shrugged at her. _Did he tell her? I could kill him. _

"I don't have to stay out of this," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "If anyone should stay out of this it's _you_!"

Lucy huffed. "Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to share _my _news," Lucy butted in, centralizing the spotlight to her.

"What's your news Luce?" Annie asked her third child.

"Well, as some of you know, Kevin and I went to find out the gender of the baby today," Lucy started. "And—."

"—we're having a boy!" Kevin butted in.

"Oh that's great!" Annie cried, wrapping her arms around her daughter.

"And a girl!" Lucy cried. "Twins, we're having a boy and a girl!"

"Awwww!" Annie cried, "That's even more exciting!" She flew her arms around Lucy.

"That is really good news, Lucy!" Matt exclaimed, showing acknowledgement and thrill for his sister.

George seemed to come to a realization as he turned to his daughter. "You're nineteen weeks; do you know the sex of the baby? It's been so long since Gwen and I have had a baby, but if I recall that's eighteen weeks—right?"

Cecilia and Simon looked at each other. "I guess there's no hiding things in this family," Cecilia sighed. She turned to her parents and everyone, "We're having a girl, just one girl."

"Aww," Annie cooed, she gave Cecilia another hug. "I'm sure she'll be as beautiful as her mother."

Matt grabbed Sarah's hand, "We have some news too."

"Are you pregnant too?" Annie asked hopefully.

Matt laughed, "You wish, but I think is this is better."

"I'm listening."

"Well, Sarah and I – well, Sarah and I are moving back to Glen Oak," Matt announced. Annie's mouth dropped as she leaped over to Matt and Sarah. She wrapped her arms around each of them, and gave each of the boys a peck.

"Thank you, wow, I can't believe you're actually moving back! I tell you, this news alone has made this terrible week good! You guys have really brightened my day."

Matt and Sarah both smiled, though Ruthie was sure they were thinking_, "You won't be saying that for much longer." _That she wouldn't. Soon she would be saying to Ruthie_, "Get out of my house, you've ruined the moment, you're no longer my daughter." _Ruthie bit her tongue.

Lucy appeared upset and disturbed by the fact that her mother was showing more delight for Matt and Sarah's news. She discharged, "I have to use the little girl's room." She rapidly raced up the stairs. Ruthie figured she knew that Simon's news was coming and she didn't want to be here when Mom's mood changed. That, and she was upset that she wasn't the center of attention with the announcement of her twins. Ruthie remembered last year at Simon's "wedding" and she had planned on announcing her twins. Matt and Sarah had announced they were having twin boys first, which had resulted in Lucy being so spiteful at the attention directed at them. Then of course, Lucy had lost hers and Sarah hadn't. Lucy felt jealousy that Matt and Sarah actually had twin boys to show for.

"Does anyone else have any good news?" Annie asked her family.

"I don't," Mary responded. Ruthie hadn't even noticed Mary was there, she had been so unusually quiet. _What has gotten into her? _Ruthie wondered. "Carlos and I are not having anymore children and we're not moving back to Glen Oak – sorry to burst anyone's bubbles."

"Alright then," Annie replied. "I wish you were moving back to Glen Oak."

"I love my job," Mary told her mother.

Kevin gaped at Ruthie. "Ruthie…"

Ruthie rolled her eyes and made eye contact with Simon. Simon sighed, "Cecilia and I have some more news." Annie looked towards her fourth child, waiting patiently. Everyone's eyes in the room focused on Simon. An awkward silence withheld, Simon opened his mouth and said, "I've received a job offer. In London."

"What? London?" Annie's mouth dropped. "T-that's so far away! We'll never see you! You can't go to London, not just after your father has passed away! You're needed here. Plus, it isn't such a good idea to be raising your child in London! And what about Cecilia's job?"

"I'm sure there are pre-kindergarten teaching jobs in London," Cecilia responded, "There are teaching jobs everywhere."

"Besides," Simon said slowly, "we'll still be able to come home on holidays: Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. Also, a few weeks in the summer. The chief executive officer is completely family orientated."

"And if that's so, he should understand you need to be around your family at this time," Annie responded.

Kevin eyeballed Ruthie, "Ruthie, don't you have some news of your own?"

Annie looked towards Ruthie curiously, "What's your news, Ruthie?"

Ruthie opened her mouth. "I—Mom, I'm—a—."

She was saved by a cell phone ring. "Hold on, it's mine," Kevin told them. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. "Kevin Kinkirk speaking" … "Oh hey, did you get home safely?" … "Why are you crying?" … "What's wrong?" … "You can tell me, I'm sure, whatever it is…" A long pause occurred and Ruthie watched his mouth drape downwards. His face turned solemn and he looked like he could cry. She had never seen Kevin cry before_, who could it be? What's wrong? _Ruthie wondered. She wanted to thank them for taking the attention off her.

Kevin clicked off the phone; he looked solemnly towards the rest of them. Just as he opened his mouth to say something, their ears were stabbed into by a loud shriek from upstairs, "AHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

**End Notes: ***breathes* this could have easily be split into two or three chapters, but I didn't want to … I hope you liked it and its cliffhanger (:


	18. Flesh and Blood

**Note: **I would like to thank all of you who have read, reviewed, favorite, and alerted this story. I hope you continue to enjoy the story. [:

* * *

Outside Heaven

Chapter 18

Flesh and Blood

"IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!" Lucy's cries could be heard all the way from the living room. Kevin sprung out of his seat on the couch and raced up the stairs. Ruthie followed after Matt, Sarah, her mother, Sam, David, Carlos, Savannah, and Charlie anxiously to see what all the commotion was. They could all hear Lucy's sobs coming from the bathroom.

"Mommy? Why Mommy screaming?" Savannah whimpered, tugging on Ruthie's shirt.

"I don't know, sweetie, I don't know," Ruthie nervously responded to her two and a half year old niece.

Annie cautiously knocked on the door, "Luce? What's wrong?" Her voice trembled in concern for her daughter.

"I need Matt!" Lucy cried, she was bawling and she repeated, "It's happening again!" _It's happening again? _As in_, it_ – _déjà vu. _Ruthie remembered last summer crystal clearly. It was only a few days before she left for Scotland. Kevin and Lucy had come over for dinner. In the middle of dinner, Lucy had asked to be excused to the restroom. It was only moments later they had heard her screams. She was bleeding and had felt a sharp on-going pain in her stomach similar to contractions. Kevin had rushed her to the hospital, only to receive brutal news; both babies had died in her womb. _Oh God, not again, _Ruthie prayed. As much as Lucy got on Ruthie's nerves, she knew Lucy shouldn't deserve to go through such a loss twice. _Our sanity, _Ruthie braced herself.

Matt handed Jacob to Ruthie and carefully pushed the door open. Lucy could be seen huddled in the corner, Kevin kneeling over her. "She's bleeding again," Kevin told them, his voice quivered in concern for his wife and unborn babies. Annie's mouth dropped open as she somberly looked at her frail daughter.

"Mommy!" Savannah cried, she broke away from her grandmother's grip and ran over to her mother. She wrapped her arms around a bawling Lucy. "What wrong Mommy? I here and I love you!"

Lucy's tears rolled faster as she wrapped her arms around her two and a half year old. Abruptly, she let go of Savannah and gripped her stomach, "_Owwww!_" she screamed.

"We have to get her to the hospital – _now_!" Matt demanded. "Everyone get out and make a path!" He placed his arm around Lucy, coaching her up.

"Shouldn't we call an ambulance?" Kevin asked worriedly.

"I think we could get her to the hospital before an ambulance even would get here," Matt responded. "We need to go _now_." Annie grabbed her granddaughter and the entire family piled into the twins' room in an effort to get out of Matt, Kevin, and Lucy's way. Matt and Kevin guided Lucy carefully out of the bathroom, both gripping onto her arms.

"Where they taking Mommy?" Savannah whimpered.

"It's okay, sweetie," Annie told her granddaughter, "Daddy and Uncle Matt are just taking Mommy to the doctor for a checkup."

"Shouldn't we follow them?" Mary asked. "We should be there to support her and all." _How un-Mary like, _Ruthie thought_, since when does she care to support her siblings? _Ruthie remembered being little and wanting to be "just like Mary" when she grew up. Mary was the only one who could get her to wear a Halloween costume her fifth Halloween. Then she too, like Simon, had betrayed her. She had become more interested in guys than her own siblings. _The opposite sex seems to be the entire problem in this family, _Ruthie decided. It was true, it seemed like all of the Camden children – except Sam and David, of course – had had more problems involving the opposite sex than your human beings.

Matt and Simon had both been bachelors because of their good looks during high school and college. Matt had had many _dates_, but only a couple "serious" girlfriends. It did seem as though he was in love with every girl he met. Ruthie knew the only two women he had _truly _loved before Sarah were Heather and Shana. _I wonder if Heather and Shana were at the funeral, _Ruthie wondered. She knew Heather was divorced and in Glen Oak. The last she had heard from Matt about Shana was that she was engaged to some Brett guy.

Simon had been with so many women physically Ruthie didn't even know where to begin. She figured she would never truly know how many women her brother was with. Did he love them all? The odds were unlikely, even though he claimed he did. _Lust _was a more appropriate word than _love _to describe Simon's relationships. Ruthie believed Cecilia, and probably Deena, were the only girls he ever loved. _Deena… what ever happened to her? _Ruthie asked herself. She had come back some years ago, but hurt Simon when she dumped him for another boyfriend. Simon had been so distressed.

Together, Mary and Lucy had had enough relationships to wed every single female in Glen Oak. Mary's relationships had been so complicated. Ruthie believed she may have actually been in love with every guy she had dated. Nonetheless, Ruthie could haven ever predicted she would have ended up with Carlos. It wasn't that she didn't like Carlos, he was a great guy – she wished she knew him better. The whole family had thought Mary would marry Wilson. They were all thankful she hadn't married that old pilot. _Ben, _Ruthie's thoughts came to. Ben had been so perfect for Mary. Ruthie remembered the first time Mary had brought Ben and Kevin home together. She had thought_: How cool would it be if Mary married Ben and Lucy married Kevin? _Ben and Kevin were both nice guys, great guys in fact. Ruthie had always felt a special connection with Ben, though. Maybe it was his sense of humor, or perhaps it was his quirky smile. She didn't know – she liked him. It was unfortunate Mary had declined his proposal.

Lucy had made out with half of the guys in Glen Oak, or so it seemed. Ruthie somewhat doubted she had gone further than that, but she would probably never know. Lucy was the type of person who would never admit she was a hypocrite if she didn't get caught red handed. Ruthie figured Lucy had actually been in love the fewest of them all. She liked Jimmy, Rod, and a lot of other guys; she didn't _love _them. She may have wanted to marry that Jeremy, but she didn't even love him. Kevin was her only love, her only _true _love. Ruthie sometimes wondered if Lucy even really _loved _Kevin or if she just _lusted _him. Nonetheless, Ruthie couldn't blame Lucy for being attracted to him, he was drop dead gorgeous.

Then there was her; Ruthie Camden, aged seventeen. For being only seventeen, she had had her share of 'relationships' too. She had to say, she _had _been in love. During her seventh and eighth grade years of middle school she had been madly in love with Peter Petrowski up until he abandoned her. She had dated Vincent for awhile afterwards, but she never loved him; in fact, she had long since decided that she had only used him. _Martin, _her mind kept going back to. Her heart had crushed on Martin for a very long time; perhaps since she had first laid eyes on him. _Is it love or is it lust? _

"Let's go!" Annie frantically was motioning the rest of the family, "Mary's right, we need to be there to support her. Poor Lucy, she needs us." _Poor Lucy, oh cry me a river, _Ruthie sighed to herself despite knowing the pain and woe her sister must be going through right at that moment. Ruthie, still holding Jacob, followed her family down the stairs. They got all the way to the door before Annie halted them, "Hold on!" All of their eyes focused on her. "We can't take the children! Somebody will have to stay behind."

Ruthie had just realized both of Cecilia's parents were sitting in the living room. "We'll watch them," Gwen volunteered.

"Oh thank you!" Annie exclaimed.

"Mom…Dad, you're going to watch eight kids?" Cecilia asked hesitantly. "Mind you, six of those are under the age of four." She watched Sarah and Cecilia make eye contact. Sarah's face showed fright with Cecilia's observation.

"Six, eight—hey why not ten?" George asked jokingly.

"Heh," Cecilia murmured. She turned to Simon, wrapping her arm around him. She whispered, first towards Simon, then looking at everyone, "I think I'll stay here also and help watch the little ones."

"So will Ruthie and I," Sarah declared, placing her free hand on Ruthie's shoulder. Ruthie opened her mouth to contradict, but she shut it. _It's better to be here than in all of that chaos, _Ruthie decided. _It's not like Lucy would want me there anyway._

"Okay, well that sounds good," Annie responded, "it looks like we're all set."

"Mary will stay too," Carlos volunteered. "Then it's just us guys out of the house."

"What?" Mary spat. "I will not! Lucy is my _sister_, we're close! She needs me." She turned to Simon and Carlos, "She doesn't even like either of you."

"I find it funny I've seen her a heck of a lot more than you over the course of the last five years or so," Simon responded to Mary's comment.

"Gosh! Will you people quit bringing that back up in my face? Just because I haven't been around the last few years or so doesn't mean I don't care!" Mary shrieked.

"I think you're right Carlos," Annie patted her son-in-law's shoulder, "Mary could use some quality time with Ruthie, Sarah, and Cecilia."

"No, I could use some quality time supporting my sister Lucy in her time of need," Mary demanded.

"Mary, we probably won't even get to see her at first," Carlos assured his wife. He then whispered into her ear, Ruthie was close enough to hear, "And when we do find out information we'll call, there's no point in you coming down to the hospital and sitting there all aggravated. Let the us guys sit with your mother."

Mary sighed, gaping nastily at Sarah. "Fine. I'll stay, but call as soon as you know something, alright?" she pleaded.

"We will," Simon promised. "The first time we know anything."

Simon, Carlos, and Annie soon departed. They had gone from all going to be there for support, to only three. _This is going to be a fun evening, _Ruthie dreading, looking forth between Sarah and Mary. _Maybe they'll settle their differences. _

George and Gwen both raised their eyebrows, "Well, since you four are staying – and I take it we won't be having dinner any time soon – seeing as it's three o'clock now – I think my wife and I will be making our way home; we had initially planned on staying this evening since we're empty-housed at home; all of the kids are on a road trip with Christina – anyway, I'll quit rambling and we're going to get on our way…"

"Dad, you don't have to go," Cecilia insisted, "you could hang out with us."

"Oh no, we really should get going, we'll see you soon Cecilia," George insisted. He wrapped his arm around his daughter, "I still can't believe my baby girl is going to be a mother _and _is moving half way across the world."

Gwen wrapped her arm around her daughter too, "Congratulations, sweetie, and remember we're always here for you if need anything."

Cecilia started to tear up a little, "I'm so lucky to have such loving parents _and _in-laws…so few families can say that."

"We're so happy you married Simon, we've always loved this family," Gwen smiled, looking around at them all, "it's a shame that Reverend Camden had to pass on though." They all nodded in agreement, turning somber at the mention of their late father.

George and Gwen departed. Ruthie was left facing Mary, Sarah, and Cecilia. Sarah and Ruthie each held one of the boys. Mary finally said, "I'm going to go check on Crissy and Jenny – they've been napping through all of this," she huffed, "I'm surprised they didn't wake up and cry with all of Lucy's screaming." She disappeared, leaving Sarah, Cecilia, and Ruthie alone.

"This is going to be a fun evening," Ruthie sarcastically said out loud.

"Bear with it," Sarah told her.

"Why did you volunteer me to stay too?" Ruthie inquired at Sarah.

"Think about it. Imagine sitting in a waiting room for hours with your mother," Sarah winked and added, "You should be thanking me."

_Oh! _Ruthie realized what Sarah was getting at. Sitting in a waiting room all alone with her mother was an invitation for disaster. She was just about to spill her guts to her mother shortly before all of this chaos had broke out, surely she would remember. Thanks!" she exclaimed, she wrapped her free arm around Sarah, "You're a life saver."

"Don't push it. You still need to tell your mom," Sarah indicated, "just _not _at a hospital."

"Simon knows…I hope he doesn't say anything to Mom," Ruthie sighed and added, "if Kevin hasn't already."

Cecilia's face showed confusion and disconnectedness. Finally she uttered, "I'm lost…what does Simon know? It seems like everyone knows but me." Ruthie looked at Sarah and sighed. Sarah motioned her to tell Cecilia.

"Well…"

Agilely Mary ran down the stairs holding two half-awake little girls. "Where are Sam, David, Charlie, and Savannah?" she demanded, shaking a bit.

Ruthie looked around, "They were just here, weren't they?" Even if they had been, they were no longer. There was no trace of Sam, David, Savannah, or Charlie in the entry way.

"They aren't in their room, and I know they weren't there when I came up to check on Crissy and Jenny. I remembered something being out of place, it just hit me," Mary replied quickly, her eyes showed worry.

"They can't have gone far," Ruthie declared, "surely they're around here somewhere…"

"Did they come down with us?" Cecilia asked. The four of them looked at each other and shrugged. Cecilia sighed, "I don't remember either – but we should definitely look upstairs first."

They ran upstairs and busted into Sam and David's room in a frantic. Ruthie could hear Cecilia, Sarah, and Mary all heave a sigh when they saw Sam, David, Savannah, and Charlie all lying on their stomachs on the floor of the room coloring. "There you are!" Mary cried. "We were worried about you!"

"David and Sam said we color with them!" Charlie chirped happily. "See I color puppy!" He held his color book up so they could all see it. A picture of a Dalmatian had been scribbled with blue and orange crayons. Ruthie held back a chuckle.

"That's adorable, sweetie," Mary smiled cooing at her three-year-old son.

"I color Barney!" exclaimed Savannah. Savannah had recently started going through a Barney stage. It was her first real _phase _actually. Lucy had gotten her started on it, indicating that Ruthie had _loved _Barney when it first came out in 1992 when she was two.

Savannah proceeded to show them her purpled scribbled dinosaur. "She's adorable, Savannah," Sarah told Savannah.

"You guys can go downstairs," Sam insisted.

"Yeah, me and Sam can watch Savannah and Charlie!" David announced.

Ruthie stared blankly at her little brothers. _They're really growing up, _Ruthie thought. Sometimes it seemed just like yesterday her parents had brought them home from the hospital. It was hard to believe eight years had gone by. Ruthie remembered those first wretched nights. The boys had cried nonstop, Ruthie had thought she would never get another night of sleep. _In eight months here we'll be going again, _Ruthie sighed to herself. She wondered if she would continue to live with her mother or move out. _Too bad I couldn't move in with Martin, _Ruthie sighed dreamily to herself. The odds of that were slim and none. He was away at college, living his dream and playing baseball. Why would he drop his life for her? He wouldn't; especially since this wasn't his child. _If only it were his child…_

She pushed that thought out of her mind. It wasn't his and it would never be, no matter how much she wanted it to be. Her eyes met with Cecilia, Sarah, and Mary. All of them had chuckled at Sam and David's request. "Well," Mary said, turning at the three of them, "let's let them watch Savannah and Charlie."

Sarah shrugged, "Okay boys, but if you need us we'll be just downstairs."

"Okay!" Sam and David cried at the same time eagerly. _Lucy and Kevin would kill us, _Ruthie thought. She was so overprotective of Savannah, though Ruthie couldn't blame her. What if Savannah turned out to be her only live birth? What if the same that happened with her last pregnancy happened with this one and all further ones? _One can only "what if" so much, _Ruthie decided. All they could live and hope for the best. She did feel a little sorry for Lucy on that note.

In the hallway as they made their way downstairs Ruthie pushed her luck, "You guys don't need me, right? I can just go upstairs…right?"

"Nice try, sister," Mary replied spitefully. "I'm not taking advantage of this situation." She turned to Sarah, and then back to Ruthie, "You, little sister, have a lot of explaining to do."

"I don't have to explain anything to you," Ruthie spat.

"Ruthie…" Cecilia started, but then she turned to Mary and said, "I'm glad that I'm not the only one who doesn't know what's going on here."

Ruthie sighed, looking directly at Sarah waiting for a guidance of some sort. Finally Sarah said, "Just tell them Ruthie."

"What the heck, Ruthie?" Mary spat as they entered the living room. Mary was still clinging to both of her daughters. As they entered the living room, she set them both down on the floor. Sarah followed suit setting down Noah. It was one of the first times Ruthie had seen Sarah let go of her son – apart from the day they came in. Ruthie set Jacob down and crossed her arms, looking down at her feet while avoiding eye contact with Mary. "Ruthie," Mary continued, "Why can't you tell me? I _know _Sarah knows, and so does Matt, and from the way Cecilia talks _everyone _knows. Why can't you tell me? I'm your sister for God's sake! I'm your _only _sister in this room!"

"That's not true!" Ruthie barked. She looked at Cecilia and then at Sarah. Cecilia and Ruthie had never been particularly close. Most of that had been because of Ruthie's jealousy towards her. She had been involved in their lives a whole lot – even when she wasn't dating Simon. Cecilia had become a fourth big sister to Sam and David. Now that Ruthie thought about it, Cecilia wasn't their fourth big sister – she was only their third. Mary had never been around in the twins' lives. She had fled when they were only a year and a half old. They hardly knew her now.

While Ruthie hadn't gotten much of the chance to know Sarah before she and Matt headed off to medical school, even she had been more of a sister to her over the course of the last five years. The majority of that time Matt and Sarah had been in medical school and swamped immensely. Even still, they still always returned her calls when she needed them – even if it wasn't right away. She had shared various aspects of her life with Sarah; a lot of it 'girl stuff' that she knew she couldn't share with Matt; and sometimes Lucy wasn't always the easiest person to talk to – even though she _was _supposed to be a minister who _helped _people. She was just so flighty. Sarah would hear her out, no matter what it was. She never argued with her or told her what she did was wrong; she respected her for who she was. That was something that couldn't be so easily said about the rest of her family.

Mary's face turned beat red, her eyes squinted. "You can't honestly think Sarah and Cecilia are more of sisters to you than _me_!" she cried. "I'm your own _flesh _and _blood_!"

"Your flesh and blood don't define sister ship," Ruthie responded slowly. _It isn't who you are, it's what you do, _Ruthie thought. It didn't matter who your blood family was; family was defined by who was there for you. That was how Robbie had become their fifth brother. _That mean T-Bone isn't the father of my child, _Ruthie came to a realization. His genetics would be embedded in this child forever, but he would never be there to see him or her grow up. Thus, making him no father to any child of hers.

"Oh yeah, then what does?" Mary spat.

"Being there for one and other," Ruthie replied bluntly.

"I told you I was sorry I haven't been here for you the last few years!" Mary cried.

"Few?" Ruthie asked rolling her eyes. "Try seven years. You haven't been there for me since you trashed that gym…and maybe even before that."

"God, Ruthie! I'm sorry! I can't take back the past, what don't you get about that?" Mary barked, her face was flushed red and she her eyes showed a tint of a killer.

"Mary…" Sarah started.

"Stay the hell out of this! Matt's not here to save your ass now, so I can take you down," Mary shot at Sarah.

"You actually think I need Matt to save me?" Sarah laughed. "You have got to be kidding me."

Mary lifted her fist. Quickly, Cecilia grabbed Mary's arm, "No, Matt's not here – but Ruthie and I are."

"Look … Cecilia … you hardly know me, and I hardly know you – we met at Lucy's wedding if I recall … I thought you were a really sweet girl and all … but get your hands off of me!" Mary demanded, swiftly pushing Cecilia away; Cecilia lost her balance and fell onto the couch. Cecilia's jaw dropped as she looked down, grabbing her stomach. Mary took no notice or sympathy to the fact she had just pushed her pregnant sister-in-law in a vicious manner. She moved closer to Sarah, lifting her fist, "I don't know who you think you are, but God I'm sick of you think you're me or something, _I'm _the only me here. Ruthie is _my baby sister_."

Sarah cautiously made her way in a circle around Mary, moving towards Cecilia. "Are you okay, Cecilia?" she asked carefully, placing her hand on Cecilia's shoulder.

Cecilia nodded, "I think I'm alright. It was just a little shove. I'm lucky the couch was here. Thanks for asking." She smiled weakly.

"You think you're God's gift," Mary rolled her eyes. "Wake up and smell the roses, you're no better than the rest of us."

"That's not true," Ruthie butted in slowly. "Sarah's done _nothing _to you. You're the one that has always been attacking her!"

"I don't know what you've done to my sister," Mary shook her head slowly looking sadly at Sarah. "You have brainwashed my little sister against me."

"Mary, listen to yourself," Sarah spoke calmly and rationally. "Just take a minute and listen to what you're saying. I'm not trying to attack you, but I can see why Ruthie doesn't want to confide in you."

"Listen to _yourself_!" Mary yelled. "Take a good look in the mirror!" She lifted her a fist, moving closer to Sarah, who had taken a seat next to Cecilia on the couch. "I-I'm so sick of…" before she could finish her sentence they were reminded of the little ones in the room. Jacob started bawling, he was soon followed by his brother, and then by Jenny and Crissy. Mary squinted at Sarah, "This is all your fault."

Sarah expressed confusion as if she was thinking_, "What the heck." _She stood up from the couch grabbing Jacob, "There, there," she whispered to her son rubbing his back. Mary picked up one of her daughters and Cecilia went to grab the other little girl.

"Oh, no you do not!" Mary barked. "That's _my _daughter!" She reached with her other arm for her other girl. Cecilia sighed in ambivalence as she picked up Noah. She snuggled Noah and allowed his tears to bleed into her shoulder.

The following moments were silent; tears were the only faint sounds that could be heard. Ruthie sat down next to Sarah and Cecilia on the couch, staying close to her sister-in-laws. Finally Mary mumbled, "I'm going upstairs, there's no sense being around here if my own sister won't talk to me." She turned around and stomped upstairs with both of her daughters.

After Mary had left, Ruthie let out a deep sigh. Cecilia put her arm around Ruthie and whispered, "She's really lost it…I can see why your parents shipped her off to New York."

Ruthie grinned weakly, "Yeah. That would be why."

"So, Ruthie," Cecilia spoke slowly, "I don't suppose I could be let in on whatever your news is?"

"Yeah, I suppose you could be," Ruthie whispered, sighing dreadfully as she realized yet another person was going to know what a screw up she was. "I'm … _p-pregnant_," she uttered.

She watched Cecilia's face drape downward, "S-Simon knows?" she asked.

Ruthie nodded, "So do Matt and Kevin."

"Wait," Cecilia stopped in shock. "Simon knew before he told our parents we were moving to London?"

Ruthie nodded, "I told him shortly before. The original plan was for him to tell our parents, then I was supposed to break my news…then Kevin's phone rang and Lucy screamed." _Kevin's phone call! _Ruthie was reminded of. _Could it have been Lucy? _She wondered. It wouldn't put it past her for Lucy to call Kevin on the phone and then scream. _No, no, he asked them if they had had a safe flight home. _That meant it had been somebody who had been here and left. _The Hamilton's? Grandma and the Colonel? Ben and his mom? _It hit her that Kevin had taken Robbie, Patty Mary, and the baby to the airport that morning. _Robbie and Patty Mary…is there something wrong with the baby? _Ruthie's heart sunk.

"Wow," Cecilia uttered. "I-I can't believe he still wants to go to London…I would think he would want to be here for you."

"No!" Ruthie cried. "I mean, he has to take this opportunity! Just because I screwed up doesn't mean he should miss out on a life opportunity! He needs to take this chance, and besides he said you guys would be around on holidays. I'm a terrible screw up; don't miss out on this chance because of my mistakes."

"You're not a terrible screw up!" Sarah insisted. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"Only sluts make this one," murmured Ruthie, a tear started to dribble down her face as she thought of herself that way.

"Ruthie, you can't say that about yourself," Sarah told her, her arm was around her son who had started to doze off. Ruthie made a quick glance over at the clock. It was almost six o'clock and they hadn't heard back from the rest of their family yet. _Oh crap, _Ruthie just remembered something_; Matt and Mary were supposed to meet Jeff for dinner tonight at six! _Ruthie bit her lip in concern for her brother. _Maybe Matt's taken care of it, _Ruthie wondered, though she doubted it. Whatever Matt was doing now, it was for the best interest of Lucy.

Ruthie's heart jumped and her thoughts came to an end when the phone rang. She looked quickly at Sarah and Cecilia. Their faces showed shock and distress as well. Before any of them could reach for the phone they heard Mary's yell from upstairs, "I've got it!" _Of course she does, _Ruthie thought. The ring ended and Ruthie couldn't take the suspense any longer. She picked up the phone receiver and pressed it against her ear.

"He's dead."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I think this chapter is proof that I'm pure evil. I'll apologize in advance. This might be the last chapter I get out before I graduate high school. (Thursday, May 27th) I'll be away most of the weekend, so there won't be any chance to write there. I worked pretty diligently on this chapter to get it out before then. I'm pretty pleased with it…I've wanted to focus more in on the Mary, Sarah, Cecilia, and Ruthie relationships. Let me know your opinions. [: Really soon like I'm going to start skipping over time…possibly as soon as the middle of next chapter.


	19. The Smallest Event

**Author's Note: **I've only said it a couple times – but Lucy's only about four and a half months along. (The earliest you can find out the gender of the baby). I've done a little research on miscarriages (not for pleasure, believe me), so hopefully this chapter is as medically correct as possible.

_**Warning: **_The title of this chapter should be "You're all going to hate me soon"…sigh…you've been warned. Nonetheless, I hope you guys continue to enjoy the story regardless to where I may take it… _note: a good portion of my original plot has changed… an idea came to me while I was out of town and riding on a hot smelly bus…and now it won't leave my head._

_

* * *

_

Outside Heaven

Chapter 19

The Smallest Event

Matt's voice quivered into her ear as Ruthie felt her throat clog up with snot. "He died in her womb; it's not uncommon among fraternal boy and girl twins. Often the girl is stronger than the boy. But, God, I don't understand why it had to happen to Lucy. She's been through so much already with pregnancy."

"S-So the girl's still alive?" Mary stuttered, actually sounding concerned.

"Her heart is still beating," Matt replied, "which is why it's too dangerous to abort the deceased baby. She's going to have to carry him until it's time for her to deliver the girl. This puts her pregnancy even more at risk. She's going to have to lie low for the remainder of her pregnancy. Likely she will go into premature labor."

"How did this happen?" Mary spat. "She was just at the doctor! If something was wrong the doctor should have told her."

Matt heaved a sad sigh, "Her doctor heard two heart beats; she says both babies were fine when she saw her. There is no explanation as to why this happened, but the odds are even if the doctor had detected that something was wrong with the boy, there is nothing anyone could have done."

"Poor Lucy," whispered Mary. _No, poor us, _Ruthie thought selfishly. It was the rest of their family that would have to endure Lucy's woes and tears. They would not only have to endure that, they would have to deal with her "lying low" – whatever that meant – for the next four or so months. Ruthie wanted to pull her hair out.

She dropped the phone and slowly turned around towards Cecilia and Sarah. "What's wrong?" they both asked at the same time. Ruthie frowned, debating on how to break it to them.

"One of Lucy's babies died," Ruthie gasped, trying to sound remorseful. A tear dribbled from her eye. She uttered, "Poor Lucy."

Cecilia and Sarah's expressions both turned somber. They both gasped, "That's awful!"

Sarah took note to Ruthie's use of the word _one_. "You said one, right?" she asked inquisitively.

Ruthie nodded, "The boy."

"That would have been my guess," Sarah sighed sadly, "usually in fraternal boy and girl pregnancies it's more common for the mother to lose the boy."

"That's what Matt said on the phone," Ruthie murmured.

"So it's Matt on the phone?" Sarah perked up sounding interested. She moved quickly over to the phone, still holding Jacob. Shifting Jacob to her left arm, she grabbed the phone with her left arm. "Matt?" Her face draped and she sighed turning to Ruthie and Cecilia, "The line's dead, they must have hung up."

"I feel so bad for Lucy," sighed Cecilia, "didn't she lose twins only a year ago?"

Ruthie nodded, "Yeah…though, she should be thankful she hasn't lost both of them…she still has the girl, after all."

"But still," Cecilia indicated.

"All we can hope for is that nothing complicates the other baby," Sarah sighed, "It's important that we are all supportive to her during this time, with this happening the smallest event could cause her to lose the other baby."

"Let's not talk about that," Ruthie whispered, "she can't lose the other baby. She just can't. As if God hasn't tortured our family enough this last week or so! Seriously, what did any of us ever do to him besides worship him?

"Ruthie," Sarah said quietly, "you can't blame God for this."

"Like Hell I can," Ruthie murmured in a low tone.

"What did you say?" Sarah asked in oblivion, "I didn't hear you."

"Neither did I," Cecilia agreed with Sarah. Ruthie gagged to herself as she watched Cecilia and Sarah become glued together. Here, just moments ago, Ruthie had been standing up for the two of them. Ruthie was so confused as to who her true family was. _"There's no greater feelin' than the love of family…" _Where had all the love gone? Had it vanished along with her father?

"Nothing," muttered Ruthie. She stood up and started making her way towards the stairway. As she came closer, she saw Mary standing at the top of the stairway holding Crissy and Jenny. Charlie, Savannah, Sam, and David were standing behind her.

"Don't take Cuzzy bye-bye!" Savannah was crying. "Me and Cuzzy have fun! I wanna see Mommy too!"

"I don't want to leave, Mommy," Charlie pleaded, looking towards his mother with beggar's eyes. "Please take Vannah with us!"

"Look," Mary said sternly towards her three-year-old son, "We have to go see Aunt Lucy. She's very sick and needs her big sister." She turned to Savannah, "Sweetie, your daddy wants you to stay here…I'm sorry, but it's your daddy's wishes. You'll be fine without Charlie."

"They can both stay here with us!" David protested eagerly. His eyes opened wide as he asked.

"Charlie can't stay here with these mad-women in the house," Mary responded. _What a great comment to make to eight year olds, _Ruthie thought while rolling her eyes.

"We're not mad-women, are we?" David gasped.

"Mary, what's wrong with Lucy?" Sam asked; then he turned his eyes towards the steps leading downwards and noticed Ruthie. "Hi Ruthie!"

Ruthie gritted her teeth has her sister flared her eyes towards her. Mary snubbed her nose up into the air, attempting to avoid Ruthie's presence. "Sam, you're too young to understand," Mary told her younger brother.

"I beg to differ," Ruthie butted in, "I think Sam and David are plenty old enough to understand."

"Yeah, well nobody asked your opinion," Mary snapped in Ruthie's direction. Her eyes glared impetuously. Ruthie's heart skipped a beat in anger.

"That doesn't change the fact I have one," Ruthie told her older sister, "besides, I think I'm more qualified to decide what Sam and David are old enough for; seeing as I've actually _been _there for them for their entire lives. You, on the other hand, have barely been apart of their lives since they were born."

"When will you people stop?" Mary shot, fuming steam. "I don't think I need to say I'm sorry again. I've begged and pleaded for forgiveness. For Pete's sake, can't we just get on with our lives?"

"Who is Pete?" Charlie asked inquiringly, reaching for his mother. Mary flinched at the remembrance of her son's presence.

"It doesn't matter," she was rather harsh with her three year old. Ruthie rolled her eyes at her sister's rudeness towards her own son. _What mother treats her three year old like dirt? Heck, what mother treats her own child like dirt, period? _Mary had no business being a mother in Ruthie's opinion. Ruthie looked carefully at her sister's children, feeling sympathy for them. Then she turned to little Savannah – the daughter of Annie version two. Ruthie knew her mother had always done what she felt was in their best interest. She was a good mother, a protective mother, but nonetheless good. Mary seemed to parent quite the obvious. In a way, Ruthie didn't blame her. Ruthie found herself focusing her attention to her own insides. Her thoughts focused in on the own _baby _inside of her. _How will I parent? _Ruthie wondered to herself. She wanted to be different from her mother and Lucy, but surely she didn't want to be like Mary. _I'll be my own mother, _Ruthie decided for herself. They always knew she would be different, but they were all too ignorant to possibly to predict this was how.

"Look," Ruthie said slowly focusing her eyes in on her eldest sister. "You're blowing this way out of proportion. I don't hate you, I hate how you act. You jump to conclusions far too quickly."

Mary rolled her eyes, "Yeah whatever," she paused, and added quickly, "I never said I thought you hated me. Though I guess you probably do."

Ruthie's heart thudded a hard beat_, I just said I didn't. _She wanted to pull her hair out. She flipped around to find Sarah and Cecilia standing right behind her. Ruthie wondered how long they had been standing there. After all, the living room was just a few steps away. It wasn't like they couldn't hear them.

Sarah and Cecilia both had their arms crossed. Ruthie glanced over to the couch to see both babies lying on the couch, they had both passed out. _Well that's a grand place to put two ten month old twins, _Ruthie thought_, what if they rolled off the couch? _Ruthie remembered her mother being so protective of Sam and David when they were that age. She would barely leave them in a room without her constant guard.

"So," Ruthie broke the awkward silence.

"So," Cecilia and Sarah said at the time, glancing at Ruthie and then at Mary.

"So," Sam and David both repeated, looking at Mary.

"So!" Savannah and Charlie yelled at the same time.

"So, I'm going to see my sister and I'm taking my children with me," Mary ended their "so" streak.

"Mary, I'm not trying to judge your judgment or anything, but it is silly to take three little ones to the hospital," Sarah told Mary in a serious voice. Ruthie could tell she was trying to come off as friendly as possible, but even she knew she was talking to _Mary _after all.

"They are my children," Mary replied coldly, "I know what is best for them."

"And I'm sure you do," Sarah replied softly, "but Charlie and Savannah get along so well, and it's not like you're moving back to Glen Oak – you should give them this opportunity to be together as much as possible. Who knows when they might see each other again?" Her eyes sincerely aimed towards Mary's.

Mary's eyes rolled into her sockets and she cried, "Right. You're calling me out for not being around again. And that's pure foolish of you, you and Matt have been around no more than me!" _That's not true, _Ruthie thought to herself. She had seen much more of Matt over the last four or so years compared to what she had seen of Mary. Matt came back for the summers, Mary did not. Matt came back every opportunity he got off of work and school. Mary did not. Ruthie knew in her heart that Mary had had the opportunity more than once. Yet, she chose not to.

Ruthie and Sarah made eye contact. It was apparent to Ruthie that she was thinking the same thing as her. Sarah bit her own lip. Ruthie could assume she was resisting a reply to Mary's accusation.

Cecilia's mouth opened to speak. "Look, Mary, I'm sure you're a great person – and I would love to get to know you better. I'm sure we could become friends –."

"—Get to the point already!" Mary broke in. _Friends? _Ruthie's head cackled. The way Mary behaved Ruthie didn't understand how anybody could be her _friend_. It was a wonder as to why she hadn't held any _friends _since high school. Of course, Ruthie didn't know anything of her "friendships" in Buffalo. Nonetheless, Mary never spoke of them. Then again, Mary hardly spoke to her.

"Right," Cecilia said uneasily. "You're right. You do need to go see Lucy. But think of how agitated the little ones will get. You're better off leaving them here with Sarah and me – you and Ruthie should go see Lucy, she's your sister."

"Leave _my children _here with you mad-women?" Mary gasped. "Are you mad…oh wait, yes, you are." Ruthie's mouth dropped open as she let out a gasp. _Me, alone with Mary in a car? _Her head throbbed in dread. A car was the last confined place she wanted to be with her sister. It would be worse than being locked in alone in a room with her! Then again, Lucy was her sister – and with that being noted, she did owe it to her to go see her in her time of need. If only there was some other way.

"Fine," Ruthie found herself saying. She turned to Mary, "Leave the kids here with Sarah and Cecilia. They really aren't mad. In fact, I think they're more sane than you and I…that is right, I'm calling _myself _insane…and besides, as long as Sam and David are here nothing truly bad can happen."

Mary cackled fiendishly, "You're relaying the sanity of my children on two eight-year-olds, are you on drugs?" Ruthie wanted to smack her head into a wall. _Is that her problem? _Ruthie wondered_; has she become some crazy-drug addict? _It wouldn't throw her for a loop. Ruthie shivered internally_, how does Carlos put up with her? _Ruthie figured Carlos must have a pretty high tolerance level.

"Hey!" Sam cried.

"We're mature!" David announced.

Ruthie chuckled a bit, turning to Mary, "You might be surprised with their abilities. I know I was."

"You were?" Mary asked suspiciously. "What do you mean by that?"

"N-Nothing," Ruthie stuttered_, oh crap. _She turned to Sam, giving him a warning look. _Shh, _she thought_, don't say anything_. Ruthie knew in her heart there was no holding this back from the rest of the family any longer. Had there not have been chaos earlier, everyone would know now. Yet, Ruthie felt the need to bite her tongue.

"Right," Mary rolled her eyes. She turned to Charlie, "Fine. You can stay here; your Aunt Ruthie and I are going to go see your Aunt Lucy…be good for Sarah and Cecilia." She turned to Sarah and Cecilia and whispered evilly where the children could not hear her, "Remember, Charlie tells me everything. If you try to brainwash my son he'll let me know." _Paranoid, much? _Ruthie thought to herself. She shuttered at the thought of riding with a paranoid maniac. Sarah and Cecilia appeared to be holding back laughter. Mary hesitantly handed over the girls to Sarah and Cecilia. After relieving herself from babies, Mary turned to Ruthie, "Come on, let's go."

_Do I have to? _Ruthie considered terribly. She glared at Cecilia wretchedly_, Gee thanks Cecilia._ Her eyes met with Sarah's, whose shoulders shrugged. _What if Mom asks me about earlier? _Ruthie panicked. She would just have to tell her. There was no hiding back the truth now – even if it was a hospital. _"...the smallest event could cause her to lose the other baby," _Sarah had said. _The smallest event...this is definitely not small...save me Sarah! _Ruthie's head was screaming in fear. She gaped at Mary, her own flesh and blood. Her face showed irritation as she motioned Ruthie to follow her.

Sarah said nothing and Ruthie found herself outside enduring the hot humid air. She felt sweat drip from her face as she and Mary got into Simon and Cecilia's jeep. Cecilia had reluctantly given Mary the keys since Matt and Kevin had taken the van to the hospital and the rest of them had taken the car. _Is Cecilia mad? _Ruthie wondered. It was obvious she was trying a little too hard to get Mary to _like _her. It seemed a little unlike Cecilia to care if someone liked her. Still, Ruthie didn't blame her – since she had married into the family and was going to be giving birth to a Camden-grandchild. _Providing Mary didn't kill it, _Ruthie shuttered. _If Lucy lost a baby because of a little stress, imagine what all of this could do to Cecilia… _

An awkward silence withheld as she sat in the passenger seat of the car. Her mind drifted back to earlier that day. When she closed her eyes she saw Kevin's eyes water up, as if he could cry. _And then their ears were bled into by a scream from upstairs. _Whoever had been on the phone had been washed out of Kevin's mind with the loss of his son. _He wanted a son so badly, _Ruthie remembered when Lucy was pregnant with the twins and they had gone to find out the sex of the baby. Her mother and father had pondered the sex of the baby, and her father had indicated it must be a girl – for if it had been a boy Kevin would have said something. He wanted a healthy baby boy. _Maybe he's not meant to have a son, _Ruthie wondered presumptuously.

They were about half way to the hospital when Mary's mouth opened. "Ruthie…" she started slowly, "I-I'm sorry. I've been acting like a maniac lately, haven't I?"

Ruthie held back a sarcastic laugh as she rolled her eyes. "Maniac eh? Try…"

"…don't say it," Mary cut in. "Look, I really am earnestly sorry I haven't been there for you. I understand that you're upset with me, and I guess you have the right to be…it's just, I don't think you could understand."

"Try me," Ruthie suggested, "I'm pretty good at understanding things."

Mary sighed, "After Dad kicked me out I always felt as though I wasn't welcomed at home. When I moved back for that year afterward…it was all so awkward between him and me. He was always looking over my shoulder and he never trusted me. Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out, Ruthie. It's not like I didn't care about you or the others. Dad just drove me mad – growing up as a Camden, you have to have some insight on that…"

Ruthie closed her eyes. She did. All of that had been the reason she had wanted to stay in Scotland. In Scotland she could be Ruthie Camden; only Ruthie Camden. She wasn't a preacher's kid, she didn't have to be a role model of any sort; she could just be herself – Ruthie Camden. She didn't have her parents – particularly her father – looking over her shoulder at all times. On her own, she was free to be whoever she wanted to be; she could express herself as Ruthie Camden.

"Ruthie," Mary continued slowly, "I know I've let you down and all the others. You have no idea how it hurts me. It really aches at my heart that I never got the chance to make peace with Dad before he died. But if you've gotten yourself in some real trouble, God, I want you to be able to talk to me. I care about you just as much as the others do. I keep telling myself I'm going to try to be more involved in my siblings' lives – I want to make more trips back here for holidays – but I keep screwing up, like always; Mary Camden – the screw up." _Oh shut up, _Ruthie thought_, I'm the only screw up in this family. _

"If you were really trying to be involved in our lives you wouldn't be picking fights with Sarah and now Cecilia," Ruthie pointed out. "All of that only makes matters worse."

Mary sighed. "I know," she responded, "you're right. I guess…I guess I'm _jealous_…yes it kills me to say that…but I feel like Mom appreciates them more than she does me."

Ruthie found herself laughing uncontrollably, "You have to be kidding, right? You have always been Mom's favorite…that's why she flew out to New York so many times to stay with you and the babies. She didn't stay with Matt and Sarah. She stayed with you."

What was she saying? Ruthie knew exactly how Mary felt. She had been the one to tell Sarah just a few days back_, "And I feel like Mom likes Cecilia more than me." _Here she was defending the opposite point of view. Ruthie was just as hypocritical as the rest of the family.

"I never thought of it that way," Mary said slowly. "I looked at it as Mom thought I was less capable of taking care of my own children than Matt and Sarah. Like she thinks I can't do it on my own. Everyone thinks I'm incapable of parenting my own children…it's like Mom wanted to give me the garage apartment some years back so she could keep her eye on me."

Ruthie choked, as she tried to prevent laughing more, "Seriously, Mary? If Mom wanted to keep an eye on you she wouldn't have allowed you to run off to Buffalo in the first place!" She looked over at her sister, whose eyes focused closely on the road. Her eyes rolled as they stopped at a stop sign.

"That was Dad's idea," Mary said bluntly and added, "And he didn't want me to have the garage apartment either; that was all Mom." Ruthie rolled her eyes. Mary was playing a_ woe is me _act, it disgusted her. It was obvious Mary just wanted to come up with excuses for her own cruelty. It was just as easy to blame their parents for her being the way she was. _Yeah, whatever, _Ruthie thought. At the next stoplight Mary turned her head towards Ruthie. Her hazel eyes showed tenderness and somber. She gazed at Ruthie appeared to be searching for some sympathy from her youngest sister. "Ruthie," she said, gazing toward Ruthie, "please tell me. I won't attack you, I'm here for you. I promise."

A honk sounded from behind them. The light had turned green and the crowd of cars behind them had gotten impatient. Mary's eyes jerked their attention back to the road as she stepped on the gas. Ruthie found herself staring at her feet. _Just tell her, _her conscious told her. "You were right," Ruthie mouthed.

"Huh?" Mary asked. "I was right about what?"

"At the Pool Hall," Ruthie whispered, "I'm pregnant." She heard her sister release a loud gasp as her arm flinched. Her eyes shot towards Ruthie and her reflexes stomped on the brakes. There was a loud _crunch_. Ruthie felt her body jerk forward. She had forgotten to wear her seat belt – a bad habit she had gotten into lately. Her entire body lingered with a burning sensation as she traveled through the air.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I didn't…I did…oops…it's the bus's fault! I know I'm leaving you guys with a lot of cliffhangers here. In the next chapter the story is going to really pick up speed. All of your questions should be answered in the next chapter. (If you're wondering anything specific, let me know – so I don't miss it).

And what do you know.. I got this out before I graduate. :D (Graduation is tomorrow night).


	20. Ready to Fly

Outside Heaven

Chapter 20

Ready to Fly

_And I'm ready to fly  
Over the sun  
Like a rocket to Heaven  
And I'm ready to soar  
Right through the sky  
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high  
I've always had wings  
But I wasn't ready to fly_

_-_Richard Marx, "Ready to Fly"

A repetitive beeping sound faintly circled the room as she found herself regaining consciousness. _Where am I? _Ruthie's train of thought returned to her mind. Her body lied stiff and motionless in a partly upright position. She felt her head spinning, as if she had just gotten off a roller coaster. Her mind was flooded with memories from a few years back when the family had made a vacation to Disneyland over their summer vacation.

Blackness coiled her mind followed by a fog. Painfully, she made an effort to open her eyes. She couldn't recall ever making such an effort to open her eyes – not even when she had the flu. The matter caused a burning sensation through her eyeballs. She tried to move her right arm to rub her eyes, but her arm remained stiff and motionless. Water filled her fiery eyes as they came to meet light for the first time in some time. A flash of what felt like fire filled her eyes. She soon realized it was a heated lamp standing right above her. Her face felt warm, as if a warm blanket was wrapped around it. An itch lingered near her nose. She desired so deeply to itch it, but she couldn't seem to get her arm to budge.

It felt like she was living in a cloud. The room remained fuzzy as she continued blinking her eyes in an attempt to dissolve the matter and tears. Her eyes squinted across the room. She felt a familiar presence sitting in the brown hospital chair. His head was relaxed in his hand; he appeared to be dozing off. His hair seemed a little longer from what she remembered it as. His apparel was tad bit out of character for the current setting; he wore blue jeans and a navy-blue T-shirt. She opened her mouth to call out to him, but no words came out her mouth. Her throat burned as spit drained down her throat. It was the first time she had become aware of the clear tubes leading into her nose and the mask that covered her face. She inhaled and exhaled slowly realizing it was these tubes keeping her alive.

Her head throbbed with pain as she tried to recall her memories. _I was flying through the air, _she suddenly recalled. _I was in a car accident. _It all came back to her at once. She remembered sitting in that car; Simon and Cecilia's Jeep. Mary had begged her to tell her the truth. Her last words filled her mind _I'm pregnant. _She felt a brisk chill take over her body and she shivered. _My baby, oh God; _Ruthie remembered. _Dad, T-Bone, Martin, Lucy, _all of her memories came back to her. _The smallest event… _She felt a sudden feeling of nausea. What had she done? Where was everyone? She looked back over at her oldest brother, who was still dozing. How long had she been here? So many questions flooded her mind. Where was Mary? Did she survive the accident? Her head spun and it started to throb harder as a worry overtook her body.

She moved her neck slightly, realizing it was supported by gobs of bandages. Her eyes focused on a table sitting next to her bed. Six bouquets of colorful flowers entered her line of sight. There were lilacs, amaranths, tulips, daisies, lavenders, and roses. Ruthie's heart fluttered realizing people had been to visit her. _How long has it been? _Her mind quivered.

Her eyes traveled around the room looking for some sort of _hint_. She was grateful to realize her vision had become much clearer. The room appeared still very bright, as it did when one came outside after being in a pitch black room. Like they did after her pupils shrunk to their smallest after being at their largest. A clock could be seen above the door several feet away from her bed. She squint a little bit to read the time. It read _5:30. _Was it five-thirty in the morning; or afternoon? She realized there was a window pane right next to the bed; directly above the table. The blinds were open. She tried to stretch her neck a little further, causing a sharp pain. Ruthie jerked her head back to its original position, resolving the pain. She could tell the sky outside was a tad pinkish; this meant it must be five-thirty in the morning.

Her brother flinched awake and flew rapidly out of his chair. When she jerked her head, she must have awoken him. He blinked his eyes several times, he was seeming to adjust them to the bright light inside of the room. She stared at him with wide eyes. When his eyes had adjusted, his eyes met hers and they too opened widely, "Ruthie! You're awake!" he cried, tears filled his eyes as he rushed over to her bed-side. He gently placed his hand on her right arm, which she realized was covered with a white cast. "The doctors said you might never wake up," he whispered, "I knew they were wrong. I could feel it in my bones…you and Lucy couldn't have been more right, Ruthie, doctors do not know everything." It took her a few moments to realize what he was talking about, but then she remembered their conversation at the Pool Hall. His sincere coffee brown eyes gazed down at her; tears were rolling down his face. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and tell him not to cry, but both of her arms were frozen like ice without the added cold. She looked over at her left arm which was also covered in a cast. Ruthie remembered when she broken her finger at ten. She was reminded of the pain and agony.

Matt brushed through her grimy hair gently and soothed, "You were so lucky, so lucky. They did not think you were going to make it through the first night. You lost a lot of blood. Aunt Julie and I both donated blood to save you. Simon and Lucy wanted to, but Simon is A positive; you, Aunt Julie, and I are O positive like Dad. And they wouldn't let Lucy donate because she's pregnant…" His face frowned, Ruthie's heart raced as she became sure of what he was thinking. He looked away. _You lost a lot of blood, _he had said.

She wanted to pull the oxygen mask off of her face so she could speak clearly; having motionless arms already was driving her mad. Her mouth opened to utter a word. "B-Baby?" she asked.

"Ruthie, you lost a lot of blood," he whispered again. His eyes widened, "They also said you might never speak again...they said the part of your brain that controls speech appeared to be damaged. I knew they were wrong. You're my baby sister, and you're stronger than that." It explained why every time she went to speak she felt a sharp pain in her head. _My brain is damaged; _one of Ruthie's worst fears seemed to have come true. She didn't know that, she shook that thought off of her shoulders. _Doctors aren't always right, _she assured herself. _I'll come through, no matter what they may have said. I'll be back to normal in no time; _the thought comforted her – though she was not so sure of it.

"M-Mom?" she asked. "Mom knows?"

Matt looked stiff and somber as he said, "Everyone knows. I had to tell them Ruthie. When they brought you in I had no choice. I tried to get them to save the baby…but Ruthie…" He let out a deep sigh filled with anguish.

Ruthie closed her eyes. She tried to shake her head, but it hurt too badly. Nonetheless, Matt seemed to know what she was thinking. He knew he didn't have to say it the words, she knew it. It was gone; there was no baby. Ruthie knew she should feel relieved, but she didn't. She mourned the loss of the potential human life that had once lived inside of her. A tear dribbled from her eyes, it rolled down on the bandages that she could feel on her cheeks. She felt as though she had lost a part of her, as if she would never be the same. She felt a strong pain for the child she had lost; the child that would never be born; that would never walk this Earth as she had; as Jesus had. She hoped for if her child had a soul embedded in it, it had gone to be with Jesus along with all the other little babies who never had ever received the chance to be born.

"M-Mary?" Ruthie stuttered, still being overtaken by burning tears.

Matt looked away, then back into Ruthie's eyes. Still seeming sad, his eyes now showed a tint of annoyance, "She came out with barely more than a scratch. She fled back to New York with her kids and Carlos shortly after the accident. Poor Savannah hasn't been the same since. Mary hardly said a word to any of us…but I am guessing she feels like this is all of her fault, seeing as she was driving."

Ruthie tried to shake her head. She knew it wasn't Mary's fault. It was none other than hers. She was so stupid. If only she had worn her seatbelt. Of course, that wasn't what had caused the accident – Ruthie knew that; even if karma did have some play in it. She knew what had _really _caused the accident was her stupidity with timing news. She ought to have known better to break such heart-wrenching news when her life was in that person's hands. The more and more she thought about it, she came to realize that it was not only the driver responsible for the lives of the passengers, but it was the passengers' duty not to distract the driver. Ruthie blamed herself for the accident.

_Mary hardly said a word to anybody, _Ruthie had to guess that Mary had not told anybody the whole story. Was she covering up for Ruthie's stupidity? Somehow, Ruthie found that unlikely. Did she feel it was her fault for _asking _while they were in the car? Or was she embarrassed with her lack of ability to handle bad news. Ruthie's head circled in confusion.

"Ruthie," Matt mouthed, a little raspy, "Why weren't you wearing a seat belt?" The question seemed to be that of rhetorical, or at least Ruthie hoped it was. She didn't know the answer to it, truthfully. So much had been going on in her life, she had forgotten the little but seemingly important things in life; like wearing a seatbelt. Her eyes looked down towards her feet. For the first time she became conscious of the feeling in her legs. She could feel a bandage-like material – similar to that on her face – rubbing against the skin on her legs. _I didn't break my legs? _Ruthie wondered. _Can I walk? _Slowly, she moved her right leg up, touching the blanket. Her muscles ached, as they did when she would sit or lay for too long.

Matt became aware of what Ruthie had just realized. He nodded his head, "You were unbelievably lucky. I think I've said that already – haven't I? The way you flew you should have broken every bone in your body. No doctor can explain how you managed to get by with only cuts on your legs from the glass shattered on the wind shield—someone was looking after you, Ruthie. God was there." _God was there, _Ruthie repeated in her mind. If God was there, why did he let her tell Mary she was pregnant at that time? If only she not told Mary about the baby there would still be a baby. _There would still be a baby, _Ruthie slowed down. "Ruthie, did Simon ever tell you what I told him about accidents?" Matt asked questionably.

Ruthie nodded slightly and mouthed, "Yes." Simon had talked about it in a video he had made for his college that he had ran off to a year early. Ruthie remembered the words quite clearly that Simon had quoted from Matt: _"God looks after us through our own consciousness, and those moments when we're not watching ourselves go through life, accidents occur. We're not capable of watching ourselves every moment, so accidents happen."_ Was this a wake up call for her? A second chance? Here she was, bed bound and arm-less. Surely, her arms would mend in time. She was capable of speech – despite how difficult it may think. She was not a mute, she was capable of speaking words. From what she knew so far, her body was completely capable of mending – of course, she had just awoken. _God was looking out for me, _Ruthie came to realize. Everything happened for a reason.

Matt tried to smile, he just stared down at her for a few silent moments. He seemed to be in awe. "Ruthie," he finally said, "these last four weeks have been the most painful you can imagine…" _Three weeks?_! It had to be around the middle of June. "I am sure you can imagine, so much hurt has been going around. First Dad died, now all of this has happened. Between you, Lucy, and…oh my, you do not know about…" He turned away sadly. _Don't know about what? _Ruthie wondered_, what else has happened? What have I missed? God, please don't let it be Martin. _He sighed, "Ruthie, I hate to be the one to tell you this…I guess I am the bearer of bad news now…" _Get to the point! _Her heart rose in anxiety, she looked over at her heart monitor. The lines had gotten closer together, Matt seemed to realize that too. He spoke uneasily, "Ruthie, it-it's Ben…Kevin told us after you and Mary had been brought in…the phone call he received that day was from Patty Mary. Ben died in a fire as he was saving a little girl…he managed to get the little girl out through the window…but the fire caved in on him and he was trapped…" Ruthie's chest started to pound and she heard her heart monitor begin beeping faster. Her body started jerking uncontrollably, she wanted to stop – but she couldn't. _"Shit!" _she heard Matt cry as the room started to go blurry again. She heard him press a button for help. _"I need…" _the room spun and she couldn't make out what was happening. Her body continued jerking as she heard the door fling open. The world went pitch black.

OooO

A cold sweat came from her glands. Chills swept her body and she felt a feeling of relaxation. Matt was standing over her bed. A sense of relief filled his head as he saw her open her eyes. "You had a seizure," he said, "It's my fault…I shouldn't have told you, not while you're in this condition." _Ben's dead, _she remembered the scene before she had started jerking. _Not Ben, why Ben? _Her eyes started to tear up as she remembered the last time she had seen him before he and his mother had left. _"I'll see you the next time I get some time off work," _he had said. Ben had been the best brother-in-law a girl could ask for. Ruthie knew he technically wasn't her brother-in-law, but he was Lucy's. Still, she had felt an underlying bond betwixt her and Ben. Now she would never see him again.

Now Ruthie understood the true reason Mary had fled: Ben. No matter what Matt said, none of Mary's departure had to do with her. It had to do with Ben. _Ben asked Mary to marry him, _Ruthie remembered. Did she still love him? Ruthie had always wondered if Ben and Mary had stayed in contact. Mary and Carlos had been separated all of that time – something told Ruthie there was more to their separation that her just wanting a "break" from motherhood. Ben had claimed to have no contact with Mary. Ruthie had always questioned Ben's truthfulness on that subject.

"I called home and told them you were awake, you'll be getting a lot of visitors shortly," Matt told her, trying to smile, "You know, Sarah, Cecilia, Simon, Kevin, and I have been alternating staying with you each day…Sarah feels so badly about all of this, she blames herself; she says her gut told her to stop you from going with Mary, but she didn't…she's really tormented by this…oh, and Sarah and I went back to New York a couple weeks ago to get all of our stuff. We still don't have a house unfortunately, so we're still bunking at the house." _The house. _Ruthie suddenly remembered the feud between Chandler and Lucy. _What came out of that? _

"Chandler and Lucy?" Ruthie questioned.

"Chandler has been so gracious to us during this time," Matt commented, "Lucy's home now – house confined – and despite all of the shock and stress she's been through, she's actually doing quite well. The baby girl seems to be healthy and growing normally."

"The house?" Ruthie asked.

"Oh, right, the house and the church," Matt recalled, "Like I said, Chandler has been so gracious. He has taken over giving services at the church. Also, he's kindly allowed us to keep the house. Even though it technically should belong to him now, he's told us to keep it. He, Roxanne, and Jeffrey don't need such a large house – so they've purchased a small ranch styled home just across the street from the church. Roxanne and Chandler actually have scheduled their wedding for this upcoming August." _The date? What is the date? _Ruthie's head throbbed. "I bet you're wondering what the date is," Matt smiled, seeming to read her mind, "It's June seventeenth." _A whole month has gone by. _A month of her life was lost. She would never get that month back. Her heart sunk in depression.

There was a knock on the door; moments later a lengthy gray haired man who wore a white jacket over his scrubs entered. She recognized him as a doctor, though she didn't know him personally. Her family doctor had always been a woman, she assumed this was the doctor that had been taking care of her since her accident. "Well, Ruthie Camden, I see you're awake. It's so nice to see your pretty eyes…we had a little scare with your seizure a little bit ago," he turned to Matt, "It seems your brother has forgotten one of the most important rules they teach you in medical school _don't break bad news to a patient who's just woke up from a coma_. Fortunately, no harm was done. Your lab results came back normal." Ruthie looked at Matt, who seemed to have turned pink. "Of course, we still should do some CAT scans to see exactly how much brain damage has been done. Now that you're awake we should be able to get a more accurate input." _Oh the irony, _Ruthie thought_, sure, tell your patient who has just woken up from a coma that she might have brain damage – that's real assuring. _She gagged to herself. As she met Matt's eyes, she realized he seemed to be thinking the same thing. He closed his eyes a little, she knew he did that when he was rolling them to himself.

There was a faint knock on the door. A short petite blonde nurse entered the room. She smiled flirtatiously at Matt. _I wonder if she knows he's married, _Ruthie chuckled to herself. "I don't mean to barge in," she started, then looked at the doctor, "but a good portion of Ruthie's family has just arrived – I wasn't sure if it was a good time to send them in." _Yes, send them in, _Ruthie thought. She wanted to see her mother; she wanted to apologize for her stupidity and arrogance; she wanted her mother to tell her she forgave her and everything would turn alright. Most significantly, she wanted to go back a month and prevent herself from getting in that car with Mary. _Oh, Sarah, why didn't you stop me? _Ruthie sighed to herself. Matt had said Sarah was traumatized that she didn't, and Ruthie felt horrible for placing the blame on her. It wasn't Sarah's fault, it wasn't Mary's. It was nobody's, but her own. _It's amazing how a petty seat belt can make the world of difference._

"Well, Nurse Ellie, I was just talking with Miss Camden about doing a CAT scan, so, if you don't mind telling her family that I am going to perform a CAT scan on her head, then we'll discuss her reuniting with her family," the doctor ordered. Ruthie's heart sank, she was looking forward to seeing her family.

Ruthie found herself glancing at her flowers wondering who had brought them. _Martin? Has Martin been here? _Ruthie wondered. She looked at the deep red roses, finding herself hoping Martin had brought them to reconcile their past. She imagined he must feel terrible. He had completely blown her off after their encounter. Surely he had come to see her while she was in her coma. She knew he had to have.

Matt caught her glimpsing at the flowers. He walked over to them and held the card inside the roses. He read out loud, "Here's hoping we get to have good times together soon like we did when we were kids. Get well soon. Love, Peter." _Peter, _her heart jumped. She had not seen that coming. Ruthie remembered seeing Peter at the funeral. All along, his name had not crossed her mind since the funeral. She felt her face flush, though she knew nobody in the room could see her cheeks because they were covered with bandages. Matt pulled out the other cards. He read, "Get well soon Ruthie! From, Meredith." The next one read, "Wishing you the best, Snooky. It's horrible this has happened to you. You're strong, don't let this get the best of you. Love, Robbie, Patty Mary, and little Camden." _Robbie was here? _Ruthie gasped. Matt saw Ruthie's eyes open wide. He nodded his head, "Yeah, Patty Mary and Robbie flew back with us after Ben's funeral. They had to get back to work. They told us to call them when you woke up, Robbie wants to come back and see you." _I missed Ben's funeral, _Ruthie sulked. Maybe it was a good thing. She knew she wouldn't have been able to hold herself together. Somehow, she felt worse about losing Ben than losing her own father.

"We should start transporting her to the CAT Scan Room," the doctor said rather harshly. He hadn't even introduced himself. Ruthie found herself seeing what Matt meant by: _most doctors just don't care. _She found herself disgusted with his bleakness. She wanted to know who the other two flowers were from. She looked at Matt with begging eyes.

He nodded in understanding as he quickly grabbed the other two cards, "Bless your heart, you'll pull through – I know it; you're a tough girl like me, Mrs. Bink." _Mrs. Bink? _Ruthie thought in shock. _She's still alive? _Obviously she was. Ruthie remembered stories Matt and Mary had told her about Mrs. Bink. She had been the one who helped their father set up Matt to quit smoking. Also, she had called Matt out of school once to help her with some quite foolish tasks. Then, Matt had been reluctant to help her – that resulted in her falling and hurting herself. Ruthie had never known Mrs. Bink quite personally, but she had played quite a significant role in their family's lives. She was surprised to have received a card from her.

He continued on, "May God bless you Ruthie, get well soon! We will be praying for you. Love Sandy, Jonathan, and Aaron." _Sandy and Jonathan? _She wanted to gag. Her intestines felt slightly disgusted. Then again, she was grateful the note didn't say "Sandy and Martin." That would mean they were _together. _She just couldn't have that.

"Last one?" she coughed out, her throat burned and her head was still throbbing with every word she thought. _Please be Martin, _she prayed as she looked at the pretty yellow daisies.

"Hey Ruthie, I hope you feel better soon! You are definitely being missed. From, Mac," Matt read out loud. She held back a tear. It wasn't that she failed to be honored that Mac had taken the time to send her flowers and a note. She couldn't help but feel disappointed with Martin. He of all people should have taken at least the time to send her a card. Her heart felt stabbed; she felt betrayed by her true love. _How dare he ignore me in my time of need. _

"Can we get a moving now?" the doctor impatiently requested. If Ruthie's arms were not so motionless she would gladly throw him a couple punches.

Matt nodded, "Alright, let's transport her. Do you mind if I help transport her?"

"Camden, you know the rules about doctor and family patients' conflict of interests. Really, you shouldn't even be back here. What if we hadn't been able to revive her when she went into the seizure?" the doctor snapped.

"Okay, let us not play the 'what if' game," Matt responded a little hastily.

"Don't get snippy with me, Camden, I have years more of experience compared to what you can ever dream of. I also have some good friends that could pull your license."

Matt's face frowned. He looked caringly back at Ruthie, "I'll go see the rest of the family, I'll be right out in the waiting room – you'll be fine Ruthie, you're in good hands. Dr. Cambridge was one of the doctors that worked with Dad back when we were young." He smiled weakly at the doctor named as Cambridge. _Good hands, right, _Ruthie thought_, he's such an asshole. I would rather be in my brother's hands. _She could care less about the whole patient conflict of interest ordeal; she wanted someone who actually cared whether she lived or died. She could safely assume this was the doctor who predicted she would die that first night; the one that said she should have broken every bone in her body; and most significantly, the doctor that said she had brain damage. _Matt should at least read my results – for a second opinion and all, _Ruthie prayed.

OooO

It was a painful ride over to and back from the CAT Scan Room. No, getting on the cart that rolled her over had been the painful part. Doctor Cambridge insisted she shouldn't stand upright yet. He had instructed a nurse to help him lift her over to the cart on a metal strip. Ruthie longed to stand, though she understood it was probably for the best. Her head throbbed badly enough as she was lying down. She didn't want to imagine what it would be like standing up. Her fully bandaged legs were visible when they took away her blankets. Chills swept throughout her body as she felt iced.

Ruthie had felt a tint of claustrophobia inside the CAT Scan Machine. She had endured claustrophobia before, but now she felt her face burn up and she felt as though she could barely breathe. _Just get this over with already, _she had been racing through her mind. Her heart thudded rapidly waiting for this to be over with.

Since her regaining consciousness, her oxygen level had returned to normal. They had removed her oxygen tank and she was now breathing on her own. Ruthie was beginning to question if she was truly ready for that. Her nerves ran wild inside of the machine. Finally, they removed her. A swift wind gushed through her lungs as she breathed in air. The warmth left her cheeks.

She returned to an empty room. They went through the same process to get her back onto the bed. "Alright, Miss Camden, we'll have your results back in a little bit," Dr. Cambridge told her.

"Can I see my family yet?" Ruthie asked anxiously, her head throbbed as she spoke. It was the first full sentence she had attempted to speak since regaining consciousness.

Dr. Cambridge looked at her shockingly, "Well, I see our original scans must have been wrong – your speech does not seem to be defective." _Yeah but my head is killing me, _Ruthie thought, she didn't want to tell him that. She chose to keep that tidbit to herself. _I am going to recover, I am going to live a normal life outside of here. I do not have brain damage, _Ruthie kept assuring herself. He looked at the nurse, "Why don't you go tell her family that they can see her – but only two at a time." He turned to Ruthie, "Who would you like first?"

She didn't know who was here, but she really wanted to see her mother – if all she saw was her mother, she would be fine. "My mom," she whispered almost instantly.

Doctor Cambridge looked at the nurse solemnly and whispered, "I guess Matt didn't tell her that. I don't blame him." _Tell me what? _Ruthie's nerves went off on her again. She tried to contain herself as she was reminded of all of the jerking and pain she had endured earlier. _Not that again, _Ruthie pleaded to God. Doctor Cambridge looked at Ruthie and then at the Nurse. He spoke, "Why don't you go bring her brother Simon and her brother-in-law—the ex-cop." _Kevin? Why Kevin? _Ruthie wondered. _What's wrong with Mom? _Ruthie couldn't help herself, she was about to begin panicking again.

"Will do," the nurse agreed as she started to leave.

A beeper sounded and Doctor Cambridge reached for his pocket. "Ah, I have a patient that needs me down the hall. If you need me, well, your brothers will be here – ." He smiled for the first time a bit and he departed. _My brothers, right, _Ruthie thought. She remembered what an ass Kevin had been to her before. _Why did Doctor Cambridge recommend Kevin come into see me? _Her head was bundled with confusion.

A few moments later Kevin and Simon appeared at the door. Simon's face was a little pink and he looked like he, like Matt, had been crying. His face lit up when he saw Ruthie lying there awake. He swiftly moved over to her bed and wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the forehead on her bandage. He cried, "Ruthie!"

"Ow!" Ruthie cried by reflex. He had shifted his weight on her right arm, causing a sharp pain. Simon quickly jerked away.

"I am sorry, Ruthie," he apologized looking embarrassed as he blushed. "I am just so happy you're alright, you have no idea how worried we have all been about you! You really threw us to the curve for awhile there; especially those first nights. Then you wouldn't wake up…"

She tried to smile, but then she realized it wasn't like they could tell she was smiling. In the CAT Scan Room there had been a mirror. Her entire face and neck were covered in bandages except for her lips and eyes. _How scarred up am I going to be? _Ruthie feared. For them to bandage her so heavily, she knew she must have been cut up pretty badly. Maybe that was why Martin had not sent her flowers. He knew she was going to be scarred for life and he no longer was going to be attracted to her. He no longer loved her.

"Ruthie," Kevin took his turn to speak. His soft voice traveled through her ears, "I'm so sorry Ruthie, and I should have never been so hasty with you and Matt. I feel like I'm somewhat responsible for this."

Her mouth dropped. She forced the word, "How?"

He sighed, "Mary told me the whole story. She told me not to tell the rest of the family…and I promised I wouldn't until you woke up." He looked up at Simon, "Ruthie told Mary about the baby and she freaked out," he turned back to Ruthie, "…if I hadn't been so hasty with you I'm sure you would have told everyone sooner…then there was the phone call, I should have stepped out…I should have…"

"Stop!" Ruthie tried to yell, but it came out as a hoarse whisper. "It's. Not. Your. Fault. It's mine…please. I know. Nobody is to blame. But. Me." She separated her words quite distinctly. Her entire head and jaw line ached. She took deep breaths sharing the oxygen with Simon and Kevin. Her heart monitor was still attached to her; it recorded her heart beating at a normal cycle. Somehow that surprised her, she felt so tense and agitated. She turned to Simon and Kevin, obtaining the energy to speak. "Why?" she asked. "Why did Doctor Cambridge suggest you guys come in?" She breathed deeply after uttering that sentence. Full sentences seemed so wordy and strenuous on her brain.

Kevin looked at Simon and sighed, "I guess he thought we would be the best to break this to you." She waited impatiently. "Ruthie," Kevin sighed. Simon's eyes filled with tears, for Simon's eyes to fill with tears Ruthie knew something was wrong. "Shortly after Mom found out you might not wake up…and you had been pregnant…well…she went into a cardiac arrest," Kevin spoke. Ruthie's heart dropped to the bottom of her stomach. _No! _she cried. Tears filled her eyes and started streaming down her face. She could feel the bandages become wet and her salty tears soaked through them. Her face burned like it was on fire. She could feel her cuts tingle. "She's still alive, but she's in a coma…we have been alternating between staying with her and you. Simon was staying with her tonight. Ruthie, this has been so hard on your sister…we're so worried about the baby, and so thankful that she is doing well for the time being," he paused and continued, "When I told Lucy that you had awaken she was thrilled, I think it's the first good news she's heard during her entire pregnancy." _Lucy's happy? _Ruthie pondered. Surely if she knew about her pregnancy she wouldn't be. She would be furious. She must have shown a worrisome expression, because Kevin noted, "We didn't tell her, Ruthie...everyone agreed not to. We hope it will stay that way. Of course, once she gets out of the house who knows what she'll hear." Ruthie smiled with heart-filled eyes at her brother-in-law. He had come through for her in the end. Though, it would only be a matter of time before it wouldn't matter.

"We have all been staying at the house," Simon told her, "Aunt Julie and the kids have been around the house a lot...and it's helpful with someone always needing to be there with Lucy. Aunt Julie is with Lucy and the rest of the kids right now...she told us to send you her love," he paused for a moment to sigh. "All of us have been praying daily for you and Mom…unfortunately, our prayers haven't been answered for Mom yet."

Ruthie's tears couldn't stop, her eyes ached. She felt like once again closing them, never to open them. _How can I think that now? _Ruthie wondered. She felt so selfish for even thinking that. _I was supposed to die, so the doctors say. _

Kevin turned to Simon and whispered, "I'll go out to the waiting room and send Cecilia in. Simon and Cecilia want to talk about something alone with you, Ruthie." He grinned slightly and departed from the room. He hadn't mentioned his brother. Maybe Matt hadn't told him that he had told her about him. Surely he would have had to. He had to have told them about her going into a seizure. _Or maybe he didn't, _Ruthie figured_, he wouldn't want to worry them more. _

Her bandages felt as if they were starting to peel off. Simon grabbed the end of one that was beginning to and pulled it back tight. "I could never be a doctor," Simon smiled weakly, "I hate needles." He laughed a little, "I remember once when I was about ten or eleven. Matt had taken me for a physical," he laughed a little bit more, "Who would have thought Matt would become a doctor – and a great one too, I remember how squeamish Dad, he, and I were…anyway, I managed to freak him out enough to get him to take me home – I told him we could just say it was too busy, and it was." Ruthie tried to laugh a bit, but it hurt. Sadness filled her veins; she had put her mother in a coma. Here she had been looking forward to seeing and apologizing her – now that option was thrown away.

A glowing Cecilia entered the room. Her baby belly was showing so much more compared to when Ruthie had last seen her. _She was nineteen weeks, _Ruthie remembered. That meant she should be about twenty-three weeks – or nearly six months along. She surely didn't have long. _The job, _Ruthie remembered_, Simon said his job was supposed to start in August. _That would be around Cecilia's due date – how could Simon start a new half way across the world with a new baby? Surely it wouldn't be safe for Cecilia to be traveling that far while she was eight months pregnant, either. _Mom's in a coma! _Ruthie's conscious shot_, surely Simon wouldn't leave Mom and go half way across the world. _

"Hi Ruthie!" Cecilia smiled coming over near her bed. "You look good for someone who's been in a coma for so long." _Sure I do, _Ruthie sarcastically thought_, I look like shit, you mean. _

"What do you want to talk with me about?" Ruthie asked, overcoming her headache. The pain seemed to be dimming down a bit. Surely it would continue to do so over time.

"Well," Cecilia smiled, looking at her husband, "Simon and I have been talking a lot…and you remember Simon's been offered a job in London, right?"

"Yeah," Ruthie answered slowly_, I haven't lost my memory, _Ruthie noted to herself. Of course, the doctors had probably told them that she had lost that too.

"Anyway," Cecilia continued looking at Simon.

"Is Simon still taking the job?" Ruthie quickly jumped in.

"I don't have much of a choice," Simon responded, "Matt told me I can take it on my own free will, or he's going to impersonate me on the phone and then knock me unconscious for the plane ride." Ruthie's heart dropped. She couldn't believe that Matt would encourage Simon to leave his family behind; to travel all that distance. Was Matt mad?

"But," Cecilia continued, "Simon's boss has graciously given him until the end of October to start – that way we have the baby and are a little settled in as new parents. I'm not sure if I'm ready to move all the way to London and start motherhood all on my own. I would love to have the support of his family and my family…and we are really hoping that your mom will be awake by then." _Or not, _Ruthie thought_, surely that will just cause her into another coma. _

"And your arms will be healed by then," Simon added soothingly. "And your cuts should be faded in that time."_ What was he getting at? _Ruthie wondered. Her heart rate started to speed up a little as she anxiously awaited. "Unfortunately," he continued, "we will not be able to make it back for Thanksgiving this year. For one, it's an America based holiday, and for two, I'll only have been on the job for a couple of weeks. Though, we will be able to come back for a couple weeks during Christmas - the entire company shuts down during the Christmas and New Year season."

"What he's trying to say," Cecilia butted in, "We were wondering... How would you like to go live in London with us?"

* * *

**Notes: **Awhhhh… I cried and became sick to my stomach while I was writing this chapter. I'm sorry for what I've done to Ruthie. Ruthie fans probably hate me, but that's what you can blame the bus for. Also, I had a few requests to do something with Annie - so I do listen to some of your reviews, which by the way I greatly appreciate. :)

If you haven't caught on, I use the foreshadowing tactic a lot in my chapters, and there is definitely some foreshadowing in this chapter. I can't say what though, that would ruin my fun. ;D

Oooh, and I am an official high school graduate. :] And we're at the big 2-0! I can't say how many more chapters are left, but I can say I will elaborate over several years. I do know where I want to end.


	21. Blood and Tears

**Alexis: **I'm sorry that I'm not very good at updating before Tuesday. Though it is Tuesday. Sundays and Mondays usually aren't the 'best' days for writing for me. (At least the last few weeks they haven't been). Tuesday – Friday are usually when I spend most of my time writing. (Though now that I'm officially on summer schedule, that might change).

* * *

Outside Heaven

Chapter 21

Blood and Tears

Her heart seemed to stop, though her monitor still recorded its beat. She stared blankly back at Simon and Cecilia. _Did she just say what I think she did? _Ruthie pondered_; they want me to move to London with them? _She was in disbelief and she couldn't conceptualize how they could ever pull that off. Lucy would never approve. After all, she had been very clear about wanting her right here with the family.

"You have been through so much," Simon told her, "and the whole town knows you were pregnant. I probably shouldn't be telling you this, but there are conspiracy theories going around. People are saying that Mary helped stage an accident for you so you could get rid of your baby…"

"_What_?" Ruthie gasped. That was the most absurd story she had ever heard. Ruthie couldn't ever imagine doing such a heartless action.

"And with Mary flying the coop shortly after the accident, that even turns more heads and adds to their suspicion," Cecilia added. Ruthie's head began to throb again. Of course Mary flying back to New York caused suspicion. The problem was, the town of Glen Oak did not understand Mary. Mary couldn't face her guilt; when things got tough she would just 'get out.' She had her father to thank for that. After all, he had been the one that sent her all the way to New York – teaching her only that _leaving _was the ultimate solution to any problem. So now, anytime something bad happened Mary would fly far away. The same could likely be used to explain Carlos and Mary's separation a year or so ago.

There was a light knock on the door, it cracked slightly open. A bushy brown haired woman popped her head in. "Hey there," Sarah whispered looking at Ruthie with kind eyes. She turned to Cecilia and Simon, "I managed to talk Dr. Cambridge into letting me come back too. He was really hesitant about it. He indicated that if he let three people in the room, then shortly after there would be four, then five, and so on…" She slowly came through the door, gently pushing it closed behind her. She joined Simon and Cecilia on the left side of the bedside. Staring down at Ruthie, Sarah's eyes turned sad. She sighed deeply, "Ruthie, I am so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Ruthie uttered.

"Oh, but it is," Sarah declared, "You wanted me to stop you…I saw it in your eyes before you and Mary left. I should have stopped you, but I didn't. Just think about it Ruthie…"

"Sarah, no," Ruthie whispered hoarsely, "I told Mary about the baby right before the accident. It's my fault. Plus, I wasn't wearing a seat belt."

Sarah's eyes widened. "I-I didn't know that. But, still, I'm partially responsible. You wouldn't have been in the car in the first place if it hadn't been for me."

"Actually," Cecilia whispered dimly, "It was me who suggested that Mary and Ruthie come out to the hospital. And _I _gave her our car keys. Doesn't that make me responsible?" Cecilia sulked, placing her right hand on her belly.

Simon and Sarah both gaped with wide eyes at Cecilia. "You didn't tell me that!" Simon cried. "Well, I knew about the car, obviously. But you suggested that Mary take Ruthie? Were you mad?" His eyes suddenly filled with fury, looking towards his wife and soon to be mother of his child.

Cecilia closed her eyes, a tear started to roll down her cheek, "I-I don't know what I was thinking…I-I was just trying to get Mary to leave the children behind. But God, Simon, just think—the little ones could have been in the car. The backseat was completely crushed…" Ruthie figured they must have been rear-ended. The force causing her to fly forward had been from behind. In reality, Cecilia had _saved _the lives of three little ones. Chills entered Ruthie's body at the thought of Charlie, Jenny, and Crissy being in that back seat.

"Guys," Ruthie hoarsely butted in, "It's. Nobody's. Fault. But. My. Own."

A light knock sounded from the door. Ruthie never understood why people felt the need to knock on hospital room doors. It wasn't like the immobile patient had any say in whether or not someone entered. The door flew open a few seconds later. Matt and Kevin were standing before her. "You don't mind if we join you all, do you?" Matt grinned.

"How did you manage to get back here?" Sarah laughed a little as she moved towards her husband to wrap her arms around him.

"Well, let's just say that your husband is the biggest mouse I've ever met," Kevin indicated. Ruthie knew quite well what he meant by that. Sarah released herself from Matt, and looked into his eyes suspiciously.

Matt flushed a little bit as he explained, "Well, you see, the receptionist received a phone call…and there was not anybody preventing us from coming back here…so I suggested that we take advantage of it...," he shrugged, "…I can't help that I know my way around hospitals. I have worked in them for nearly a decade now."

Ruthie found herself laughing, a real laugh. It was her first real laugh since she had woken up, "You better watch out, Matt," she told him – her voice was so hoarse, "that doctor might have your license removed."

Matt's grin stretched over his entire face. He walked over to Ruthie's bed-side and ruffled her hair a little, "If I were to lose my license over this, at least it was for a good cause; there's nothing better than seeing your baby sister who has been in a coma for a month wide awake." Ruthie felt her face flush pink a little, she was a little grateful that nobody else could see it do so. _Having bandages cover your face can come in quite handy, _Ruthie had come to the conclusion_, still, I can't wait until they're off…_ Then again, she didn't know what was _under _the bandages. That thought alone scared her.

An awkward silence followed. Simon, Cecilia, Matt, Sarah, and Kevin all circled around Ruthie's bed. She had never felt so _enclosed _by her family. Kevin finally broke the silence. "Well," he stared into Ruthie's eyes, "I think I've called everyone to tell them you're awake; Meredith, Mac, Mrs. Bink, Sandy, Patty Mary and Robbie, who by the way are going to be catching the nearest flight; have I missed anyone?" _Martin_.

"Mary?" Cecilia questioned a little dryly.

"I called her," Matt replied bluntly. They could all infer that their conversation had not gone all too well. Mary was Mary, what did they expect?

"Martin," Ruthie spoke out quietly. Her voice seemed to be getting hoarser with each word she uttered. She longed for water. With all of the bodies in her room the oxygen supply and moisture in the air seemed to be minimizing. Each breath she took seemed to dry her throat further.

"Who?" Kevin asked, leaning closer to Ruthie.

"Martin," she put forth more effort to speak in order to amplify her voice. Her throat burned even more.

"Oh, Martin," Kevin repeated.

"That…" Simon started, but Cecilia elbowed him before he could finish his sentence.

"No, I didn't call him," Kevin told her, "He's been really busy so far this summer. He's playing on a baseball team that travels all over the state; so we've hardly seen him. I mean, I could call him, but I just figured…" Matt was gazing sternly at Kevin, giving him a warning look, "I'll call him. Definitely, in fact, right now." He pulled out his cell phone and called Martin. Everyone in the room waited patiently. "Hello, Martin?" Kevin spoke into his phone. "It's Kevin. How are you?" … "I see, that's good" … "Ah, I see" … "Yeah, we've hardly seen you" … "Uh-huh" … "Well, I was just calling you to tell you that Ruthie's awake." His face frowned a little, "Okay then" … "I'm sure Ruthie would love to see you" … "I'm not sure I follow." He covered his phone receiver and turned to the rest of them in the room. He whispered, "I will be right back, I have to step out." He vanished into the hospital hallway.

Ruthie's heart sunk. She didn't need to hear what Martin said to Kevin, she could tell Martin couldn't care less about her. Now, she figured, Kevin was going to chew him out. She admired Kevin for wanting to stand up for her, but she didn't want him fighting her battles for her. Ruthie figured she wouldn't be fighting any real battles for quite some time. She sulked as she thought of her current condition.

"Kevin said that Meredith, Peter, and Mac all said they would be coming by as soon as possible," Matt told them, he looked at his watch, "and it's now ten o'clock. Somebody should probably be out there when they get here, because frankly, if they get here and we're all back here…"

The door flew open. Doctor Cambridge stood tall and with his arms crossed. "Didn't I say two at a time?" he snarled a tad. "Everyone out!" he demanded. They all let out sighs as Simon, Cecilia, Matt, and Sarah began to file out of the room. "Everyone except you two," he grabbed Matt and Sarah's shoulders; both of their faces showed shock_, what happened to conflict of interest?_ He told them, "I have her CAT Scan Results back."

After the others had disappeared, he turned to Ruthie, "I'm going to step out and talk with your brother and sister-in-law. We'll be right back." _No! _Ruthie's head screamed. She opened her mouth to scream, but her mouth was just too dry. For them to have to step out to talk about her, she knew it must be bad. Ruthie's heart started to race with nerves.

Those moments she lie there alone were possibly the most frightening moments she had ever endured. She realized this was the first time she had really been _alone _since she had woken up. Her eyes closed for a few moments; she rested them. Just as easily, she could have fallen asleep. She lie there coiled in blackness just thinking. _Martin, _her mind couldn't help but drift back to. _Her hands traveled down his shoulders, the smell of his cologne lingered through her nose. His sweaty hair brushed against her skin._ _He touched her back, lowering his hands to her waist. _Her memories reminisced and she longed to feel his touch again.

She flinched a little when the door shot open again. Dr. Cambridge re-entered, not followed by Matt and Sarah. _Where did they go? _Ruthie pondered. Here, Dr. Cambridge had told them to stay behind – now he had shipped them away? Ruthie sighed. "Well, Miss Camden, I've told your brother and sister-in-law to give you and me a little time to talk – I figure you will be more honest with me than if they were sitting here coaching you." _Matt and Sarah wouldn't coach me! _Ruthie fretted. She breathed deeply, waiting for Dr. Cambridge to get the point and tell her the bad news.

"Well, Ruthie," Dr. Cambridge, "I must say, you seem to be in better shape than your original prognosis, which is good, that day you came in I can tell you things did not look good, and look at you now – you're talking and breathing on your own. That all definitely looks good for you." He paused for a moment before continuing, "I do have some questions for you though, and I would appreciate if you were completely honest with me, remember, if you lie to me you only hurt yourself and put your own life in jeopardy. I know you want to get out of here on two feet as soon as possible, but we're thinking about your life in the long run, not tomorrow." He sounded so harsh. Ruthie badly wanted to cry for Matt. _Conflict of Interest, _she knew his holding of Matt and Sarah had been too good to be true.

"Fine," Ruthie murmured. She desired with a passion to be able to cross her arms once more.

"Please state your full name," he started with.

"…Is this a trick question?" she questioned carefully.

"No, it's just standard procedure we ask all patients after waking up from a coma," he responded rather rushed.

"My name is Ruthie Sofia Camden," she saw him writing on a clipboard looking a little uncertain. Quickly she added, "My name is _Ruthie_, not _Ruth_. My grandma is _Ruth_."

He nodded and continued with the questioning, "What were you doing before you woke up?"

She released a loud sigh. _He knows all these answers. Can't he just get to the point? _Reluctantly, she answered, "I was sitting in the passenger seat of my brother and sister-in-law's Jeep … my sister Mary and I were on our way to see my sister Lucy who was here in the hospital; she had just found out her baby boy had died."

He nodded, writing quickly, "Do you remember if you two were conversing? If so, what were you talking about?"

Ruthie squinted_. Mary wouldn't want me to tell him. _She shook her head. "No," she lied. "I don't remember. Mary stepped on the brakes…and I went flying…and my body burned…and then I woke up here."

"You're sure?" he inquired. "Are you sure you don't remember?" _Is it that obvious that I'm lying? _Ruthie wondered.

"I'm sure," Ruthie replied coldly.

"If you say so," Dr. Cambridge said uncertainly, still scribbling on the clipboard. "Now, tell me, when was the last time you were sexually active?" _Talk about personal, _Ruthie thought. Her eyes closed and she saw him. _His hands were sweaty as they travel down her waste. She lied on her back, looking up into his gorgeous green eyes. She felt invincible. _

"I-I don't remember," Ruthie replied, she felt a chill take over her body. Her nerves started to run wild.

"Ruthie, remember what I said about being honest?" Dr. Cambridge questioned, his eyes showed suspicion.

"And I am being honest. I don't remember. Okay?" she snapped.

"Ruthie, I can't help you if you aren't completely honest with me," Dr. Cambridge stated. _I don't need help, _Ruthie thought to herself harshly. "Anyway, providing you really don't remember, moving on…I'm going to ask you some questions about your perceptions now. What color is this paper?" He held out a bright red piece of construction paper.

"Red," Ruthie replied simply. "Like blood."

"How many fingers am I holding up?" He held out his hand for her to look at.

_One, two…;_ his fingers seemed to blur together. Something wasn't adding up. "Two," she replied quickly, then she saw the other finger, "Three, I mean." He seemed a little hesitant as he wrote down quickly on his clipboard. _What did I do wrong? _Ruthie wondered.

"Alright," he said slowly, "there is one more thing I want to ask you Ruthie." Her eyebrows rose as she waited for him to ask; though she had a pretty good idea of _what _he was going to ask. "Ruthie, you're aware you were about five weeks pregnant – right?"

She tried to nod slowly. His eyes beat down on her, her heart leaped – even though she knew this was coming. Finally, she said, "Yes. I was." Her face sulked a little, "M-Matt told me about the b-blood a-and all…and K-Kevin told me that news brought Mom into a coma."

"I wouldn't say that's what put your mom into a coma," Dr. Cambridge responded, "she's been under a lot of other stress – it wasn't just that." She stared at him in shock, for a minute there it seemed as though he was trying to comfort her. "Anyway," he continued, "I need to ask you, who was the father? Your siblings say you never told them, though they have a pretty good idea."

Her eyes closed as painful memories flooded back to her. _"The condom broke," _the words echoed in her mind. Those were the words that had changed her life forever; baby or no baby. Everyone knew what she had done; whether she had a baby to show for or not didn't matter. Now everyone just thought she had killed her baby on purpose. "I-I don't know," Ruthie lied. She could bring herself to utter his name.

"Ruthie," he sternly looked into his eyes, "This is important. Was it Theodore?" Why was it so important? Ruthie couldn't help but wonder.

"Why?" Ruthie questioned suspiciously.

"Yes or no?" he demanded.

"Fine, yes, he was the father," she spat, "why does it matter?"

He let out a sigh, "Ruthie, after Theodore died his mother ordered an autopsy…the day you and Mary were brought in we received his autopsy report back. Ruthie, T-Bone was infected with HIV." _What? _Ruthie's head shouted. She knew that T-Bone had told originally that he _had _been with other women. Then, later, he had told her that he had lied; that he hadn't been with anyone else besides her. _Was he cheating on me? _Ruthie pondered_; maybe he contracted it after we were together. _The thought boiled in her blood. She became sick to her stomach_, what if he had told me the truth the first time? What if the second time was a lie? _Her stomach turned upside down as she became queasy_, I could have HIV. _All of sudden it felt like her life had turned completely upside down – if it wasn't already. Dr. Cambridge continued, "Since your mother is in a coma, and in order to take samples from a minor we need parental or legal guardian permission – and both of your mother and father's wills state that if anything should happen them where they cannot take care of you or your little brothers Matt is to become your legal guardian – Matt signed for us to test you; we sent your samples in about three weeks ago, even though we didn't know for sure if T-Bone was the father. Unfortunately, it can take up to three months to get those results back." Ruthie knew that quite well. She remembered the long wait Simon had had after his STD scare. Her stomach churned; _I was supposed to be smarter than Simon. _

A soft knock came from the door. Nurse Ellie popped her head in, "Some of Ruthie's friends are here, may I send them in?"

Dr. Cambridge shockingly replied, "Yes you may." He turned to Ruthie, "I think I'm done here, we'll be seeing more of each other, though, Ruthie. You should be here a good three to four weeks for observation and rehabilitation. I reckon your arms will be in cast for at least another six. Then of course you may need therapy to strengthen your arms." _Three to four weeks? _That took them to the middle of July. She was in one accident, and here her entire summer was shot. _Then again, it was going to be shot anyway with me being pregnant, _Ruthie realized. She wasn't sure which was worse: this or being pregnant. Her gut told her this. Simon and Cecilia would be flying to London in around twelve weeks. She could be too, if she chose to go along.

Dr. Cambridge left and Ruthie eagerly waited to see who had come to see her. She knew in her gut that it wasn't a certain someone; a name she tried not to think for the time being. Moments later the door swung open. Peter, Meredith, Mac, and Margaret barged in at once. Obviously, Dr. Cambridge had flexed on the "two at a time" rule. Peter and Meredith joined her on her left, and Mac and Margaret on her right. "Ruthie, you're alive!" Mac cried. Margaret nudged him a little.

"Of course she's alive!" Margaret exclaimed rather loudly. She turned to Ruthie, "We knew you would wake up, or at least I did – I don't know about everyone else." Ruthie stared at Margaret a little strangely. She had always found Margaret slightly _annoying_. According to everyone, before Ruthie had come home Margaret had been a bit of a _mute_. Ruthie found it hard to believe, the girl never shut up now. She no longer had Jane either, since she had fled off to God knows where.

"Ruthie, it's so nice to finally see you again," Peter smiled, "I hardly saw you at all on the day of your father's funeral…then this. I felt so horrible." _My father's funeral, _Ruthie remembered. It seemed like it was yesterday, yet it was an entire month ago. Adjusting to time loss was not something that could be done easily.

"I've missed you Ruthie," Meredith told her quietly, "I know we hadn't been that close since you came back from Scotland – I guess you can say part of that was my fault, but we really need to hang out when you get out of here. I'm sure you'll be out of here in no time!"

"He told me three to four weeks," Ruthie rolled her eyes a little, "I wish I could just walk out of here now."

"You didn't break your legs," Mac suggested, "Maybe you could…if we helped you."

"Are you mad?" Peter and Meredith both cried at the same time.

"Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea," Meredith stated.

"Ruthie needs to regain her strength, and if the doctor says she needs to stay here to do that, then she probably should," Peter told Mac as he stroked Ruthie's hair a little, "If you need anything, I'm here. I'll always be there for you, Honey." Her heart fluttered when Peter articulated the word _honey. _She suddenly remembered being thirteen again; her heart would pounce every time he called her _honey_.

_"If I do marry, I hope it's to Peter Petrowski," _she had told her mother on the day of Lucy's wedding. She looked up at Peter now; it had been more than four years. His hair was now dark opposed to the bleach blond it had once been. His pale blue eyes still twinkled as he stared down at her. He was taller, much taller. So many childhood memories flooded back to her – like the time Ben, Peter, and she had taken Ben's dog that he was training to be a fire dog to the promenade. She remembered losing the dog and going to the pound to get another dog. Then of course the chief showed up at their house with the real fire dog; and Peter got a new pet. He still had that dog. _Ben's gone now, _Ruthie suddenly remembered. Her heart sulked; it seemed as though everyone she had ever loved was gone. _Peter's still here and I loved him, _Ruthie realized. _Could I ever love him again? _She didn't know the answer to that question. So much had changed in the last five years; she wasn't the same Ruthie – and surely he wasn't the same Peter. Their preteen years were no more. It was scary to think that their teen years would soon come to an end.

His eyes continued to beat into hers. Meredith, Mac, and Margaret all looked at each other. "Maybe we should leave them alone," Margaret suggested. Mac stared at his girlfriend in disgust. "Hey, I just thought they wanted a little privacy."

"Margaret's right, let's leave them alone," Meredith agreed, she turned to Ruthie, "It was great seeing you again, Ruthie. We'll catch up soon, okay?" Ruthie tried to smile a little and nod as Meredith, Margaret, and Mac left the room.

"So," Peter said after the other three had left, "How are you feeling?"

"Honestly?" she asked. "Like shit."

"I would be too," Peter agreed, "Just so you know…I don't believe any of the conspiracy rumors I've heard around town. I know you wouldn't do that. I've tried telling people that, but well, you know people in this town."

"Yeah," Ruthie murmured hastily.

"Meredith doesn't believe them either," Peter added.

"Are you and Meredith…?" Ruthie started. She couldn't help but ask, she did notice how they seemed a little clingy.

"Oh no, absolutely not!" Peter seemed shocked. "We are just friends, after the accident Meredith and I both brought flowers around the same time – we ran into each other and we've been talking a little. Just as friends though."

Ruthie sighed, "I am surprised you're still talking to me…I've been such a terrible person. Look at me Peter, just look at me. You…"

"…You're beautiful Ruthie, no matter how many bandages you have on your face," Peter cut in. "Ruthie, I don't care about what you've done. I know you, Ruthie. We were together everyday for almost two years. Deep down, I know you're still the same Ruthie Camden I fell in love with when I was twelve."

"What if I'm not?" Ruthie insisted. "What if I'm a dirty slut with HIV who conspired with her sister to kill her own child?"

"Ruthie, HIV isn't something to joke about," Peter's mouth dropped. "And I know you didn't conspire with Mary to kill your baby. And you're not a slut, don't say that." Tears started to roll down her eyes. Peter wrapped his arm around neck trying to comfort her.

She looked down at her chest, trying to look away. "Peter," she whispered, "T-Bone had HIV. Dr. Cambridge just told me. They tested me while I still in a coma. Peter, T-Bone was the father."

Peter's sincere blue eyes gaped into hers. His eyes became bloodshot as they watered up. "Wow, Ruthie, I-I didn't know. God Ruthie, I'm so sorry," he whispered, "Ruthie, what I said still stands – I'm here for you. No matter what." Tears started to stream out of her eyes again. Her bandages had just begun to dry, but here they were getting soaked up again. He wrapped his arms around her gently. His arms made her feel so warm and loved inside. _He said he'll be here for me no matter what – unlike someone else I know…_

OooO

A week and a half passed. Ruthie had barely slept over the course of that week and a half. After sleeping for an entire month, who could possibly expect her to want to sleep? Ruthie didn't want to miss another moment with her family and friends. She felt as though she had missed too much. With the doctors still uneasy about her leaving her bed, she spent most of the time lying upright in bed. When she was alone she would watch Oprah on the little television they had placed in the corner of the room. Since her arms were still in casts, the channel could only change when someone came to check up on her.

Lucky for Ruthie, she didn't spend that much time alone. She hardly went longer than a half hour without a visitor. The day after she woke up Robbie and Patty Mary had flown in with baby Camden. Since children under the age of twelve weren't allowed to come back and visit her, she hadn't been able to seen him. Robbie had brought in his one month old professional picture. He had grown so much and was looking more and more like his daddy each day. Ruthie foresaw a miniature Robbie. If he grew up to be as kind and generous as his father he would be lucky.

Peter came to visit her everyday. He always managed to bring a smile to Ruthie's face in one shape or another. They would spend hours talking about when they were in middle school. Ruthie felt warm inside to reminisce to a time in her life where she was still innocent. While they may of gotten into quite some mischief, it was all so harmless compared to what she had gotten herself into now.

There were only two unaccountable people. Even the Colonel, Grandma Ruth, _and _George had flown out to visit her a couple days after she had woken up. George was on temporary leave from the military. Ruthie had never been that fond of George, but she had to admit he _had _grown up quite a bit since she last saw him. He had grown up to be a handsome young man. His sense of humor was very much like that of the Colonel's, however.

Mary and Martin – the two unaccountable people. She hadn't heard a word from her eldest sister. Nobody would dare to mouth her name without bringing in a mix of emotions. Ruthie had not brought up Martin since Kevin had called him. She didn't know what had come out of their conversation. What she did know was, Martin wasn't there with her. She tried to let it pass – being with Peter seemed to help her forget him.

That Wednesday, Ruthie's heart jumped when Matt entered the room with a wheel chair. "Guess what, Ruthie?" he asked her. He was wearing scrubs and a white coat now. He and Sarah had both started their internships at the hospital now. They had wanted to work with a smaller practice, but none of the local practices had any openings. Uncle Hank had returned to delivering babies at the hospital a couple years ago, so Matt was working side by side with him. Sarah was working with in the pediatric's wing of the hospital. Both of them would drop by and see Ruthie with any opening they had.

"What?" she asked excitedly like a little girl who was waiting for her Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. Her heart leaped a mile looking at the wheel chair. As much as she would rather walk, having wheels seemed to be much more pleasurable than lying there staring at the television. She had yet for someone to explain her CAT Scan Results to her. Dr. Cambridge had said that she looked better than her original prognosis, and that was all. She knew in her heart something else had to be wrong, otherwise he wouldn't have been so hesitant with her being mobilized. She longed to stretch her legs on the floor.

"Well, guess who gets to go on a little ride?" he smiled. Her eyes widened with excitement. He pulled her blanket off of her and gently helped her off of the bed. He removed the piece that was monitoring her heart. She hadn't had a spasm since that last day. It was only there _just in case_, as Matt had explained to her when she had questioned why they just couldn't remove it. Her IV had been removed now that she was eating hospital garbage and drinking plenty of water. She had been very grateful the day those needles had been removed. Now, she just longed for the day she could quit being fed like a baby. She couldn't remember the last time she had been spoon fed.

Her legs were still covered with bandages, and she had yet to see under them. The doctors had changed the bandages on her face and legs last week some time. They had placed a cover over so she couldn't see her legs. She figured they must be pretty scarred up for them not to want her to see them. The bandages on her face had been so deteriorated from her tears they had had no choice but to change them.

She positioned comfortably in the wheel chair, her arms rested motionless on the arms of the wheel chair. "So, where do you want to go?" Matt asked.

"Mom," was Ruthie's first whisper. She could have easily responded _outside_. The outdoors was still her second choice. She longed to feel the warm summer sun beat against her skin – the little skin that she had showing. Still, she longed to see her mother – whether she could speak back or not. A girl needed her mother; Ruthie couldn't imagine her life without the woman who had brought her into this world.

Matt's mouth dropped, "I should have known. Well, I'm going to have to clear that with another doctor. Uh, I'll be right back." He ran out of the room, leaving her alone sitting in the wheel chair. She looked back at her unmade bed. Ruthie sighed; she completely understood how Lucy had felt while on bed rest now. At least Lucy had not had two broken arms to go along with her. Ruthie shuttered as she imagined Lucy with two broken arms.

Matt returned a few moments later. He was huffing as though he had been running. "Looks like you're in luck, Ruthie. Dr. Cambridge says you can see Mom." He placed his hands on the handles of the wheel chair and began pushing her. Ruthie felt as though she was gliding through the air as her oldest brother pushed her through the hallway of the hospital. It turned out that their mother was only a couple doors down from Ruthie's hospital room. Slowly, Matt pushed her through the door.

Her mother's room was very much laid out similar to hers. A small couch sat in the corner of the room. Sarah was sitting on the couch reading a Home Improvement magazine. "Ruthie!" Sarah exclaimed in a whisper as she set her magazine down. Ruthie didn't quite understand why she was whispering. After all, she had thought they wanted to wake Annie up. Ruthie remembered Saturday mornings when Mom and Dad used to sleep in. Matt had always insisted they all be _quiet _telling them to speak in whispers. Nonetheless, Ruthie still felt the need to barge in on her parents and wake them up.

Ruthie slowly glanced over at her mother. She heard her heart monitor beeping steadily. An oxygen tank hooked up to her, very much like Ruthie's had. _This is what I looked like a week and a half ago, _Ruthie realized. Her stomach churned to see her mother in such a condition. Matt wheeled her over to her mother's bed-side. Tears started to roll uncontrollably down her face again. She had thought she could handle it, but she was wrong. Pain lingered in her heart; she couldn't bear to see her mother in such a state.

Matt and Sarah noticed Ruthie's tears. "Maybe you should take her back to her room," Sarah whispered.

"No!" Ruthie cried. "I-I need to talk to Mom…alone."

Matt and Sarah made eye contact. "Is that a good idea?" Sarah asked her husband.

"I don't see what it could hurt," Matt responded. He turned to Ruthie, "Sarah and I will stand outside for a few minutes, if you need us … just holler." Ruthie nodded graciously. Her voice still was not at full power; hollering seemed unlikely for her. Her throat ached – the doctors told her that her sinuses were draining. Now that her IV had been removed and she wasn't receiving those added fluids her throat _should _get better, or so they said.

After Matt and Sarah had vanished, Ruthie spent the following moments staring at her motionless mother sobbing. Her eyes remained closed and her arms remained motionless resting across her stomach. She looked so pale, like her father had that last year of his life – and before he had his heart attack. Ruthie stared in disbelief; she couldn't believe this was her mother now. It was unbelievable that her mother's life was at a halt.

"Mom," Ruthie finally uttered, "I'm so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. I should have stuck with my instincts. I should have waited, like everyone told me to. I should have learned from Simon's experiences." She paused, and glanced at her arms, "I deserved this. In fact, I deserved so much more. God held mercy on me, I should be thankful to be alive – but I feel so guilty…Mom, I'm so sorry I let you down. I'm so sorry I let this whole family down." Ruthie's tears rolled faster and faster. She felt the bandages begin to peel off.

Something was different about her mother's room compared to hers. A mirror hung directly across from where she was sitting. _Did they remove mine so I wouldn't see myself? _Ruthie wondered. Her eyes gawked into the mirror to see her scars become revealed as her bandages peeled off. Dark red spots became visible on her face. _Oh God, _Ruthie thought_, I'm hideous. _Hertears streamed faster, and more of her bandages started to peel off of her face. Her entire face was covered with deep red bloodsucking scars. Her face tingled and burned with the salty tears streaming down it.

Her eyes jerked off of the mirror, she couldn't look at herself anymore. She focused back on her mother. Her heart jolted as she thought she saw her mother move. Soon she realized it was only a brisk wind coming from the open window. Her bangs blew up and down in repetition.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Love it? Hate it? Too depressing? Let me know in review. (=

_Things to ponder… Does Ruthie have HIV? Will Ruthie go to London with Simon and Cecilia? What will become of her relationship with Peter? Will Martin ever get the guts to come up and see Ruthie? What's up with Mary; what is she hiding now? _


	22. Fly like an Eagle

Outside Heaven

Chapter 22

Fly like an Eagle

_I want to fly like an eagle  
To the sea  
Fly like an eagle  
Let my spirit carry me  
I want to fly like an eagle  
Till I'm free  
Fly through the revolution_

_Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'  
Into the future  
Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'  
Into the future_

- "Fly Like an Eagle" – Steve Miller

Time kept slipping into the future; two and a half weeks had gone by now. Time would drag by while she was alone, but it went by much faster now that she actually got to _leave _her hospital bed. Ruthie had come to look forward to Peter's visits even more now. Now, he would roll her around the hospital – though all of her visitors were given strict orders not to take her to see her mother. Doctor Cambridge had spotted Matt and Sarah standing in the hallway, only to question as to why they had left Ruthie alone. The three of them had busted in on Ruthie to see her crying. Doctor Cambridge had come to the conclusion that visiting her mother had caused too much added stress on Ruthie; he had ordered all of her guests to keep her away from her mother's room.

Now, they would roll her down to the kitchen; into the lobby; and occasionally to the outdoors. Outside trips were rare, she had been told she shouldn't stay outside for longer than ten minutes. While some fresh air was _good_, Dr. Cambridge recommended that it was best not to bring too many germs in. He kept saying that she wasn't completely out of the woods yet. He was _so_ reassuring.

Matt would roll Ruthie over to see the new babies. She enjoyed looking at the new little ones who were screaming their first cries. Sometimes they brought tears to her eyes; she came to realize that if she had only been wearing a seat belt she could have been sitting in that same place looking at her own little one in several months' time. Lucy and Cecilia were both coming along well in their pregnancies. They were both nearing seven months; Cecilia being only a week further along than Lucy. Lucy's original due date was October sixteenth; Cecilia's was October ninth. Still, Lucy's doctors predicted she would go into early term labor. Everyone was relieved now that she had passed her viability date.

Kevin dropped by daily as well. Each day, he told her that Lucy told him to say, "Hello" and that she loves her. Lucy still didn't know about Ruthie's loss, and they all agreed the longer she continued in oblivion the better. Kevin and Lucy had picked out a name for their little girl; and Kevin had shared it with Ruthie, making her promise not to tell anyone. Ruthie kept her promise, keeping the name to herself: Rebekah Anne Kinkirk. She thought it was a cute name for a little girl. The thought made her wonder what she would have named her child. She kept trying to push that thought out of her mind; she was happy for Lucy and Cecilia. They both had strong father figure husbands; they deserved to have children. Teenagers were not supposed to be mothers, after all.

It had been practically four weeks since she had woken up. _"You'll still be here three to four more weeks,"_ Dr. Cambridge had told her. Over the last week, she had been waiting patiently for the day he would walk in and tell her she could go home. He hadn't yet, and she didn't dare ask. Her face was still bandaged up. She was getting used to being gawked at when her friends and family took her for strolls around the hospital. After all, she would rather have them staring at her bandages than what was underneath her bandages.

That morning, another Wednesday – it was now July, Nurse Ellie walked in. She smiled kindly, "It looks like you are going to have your bandages removed today." Ruthie's heart dropped. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be happy or disgusted. Since that day in her mother's room, she had not dared to peak underneath her bandages. She had become afraid of what she might see. _Maybe they are healed, _she hoped. Her gut told her that scars still remained.

Ruthie had become quite fond of Nurse Ellie. She was a lot nicer than Dr. Cambridge. Nurse Ellie was the one who would bring her food and feed her when she didn't have visitors. Usually, that would be the night shift. She would tell her stories about her life stories while she fed her. Ruthie had found out she was only twenty-four, she was single, and she was raising her six year old son with the help of her mother. She had gotten pregnant at seventeen by her high school boyfriend. When he found out about the baby, she never saw him again. She showed Ruthie some pictures of the little guy one day. He had been named after her father who had died the year before; Leroy Donald. Everyone just called him "Dookie", after Nurse Ellie's favorite Green Day album. Ruthie found that somewhat funny, she wondered if Nurse Ellie was aware of what _dookie _meant – aside from a card game. Nurse Ellie had said, "Leroy Donald is such a big name for such a little guy – surely he'll grow into it, but for now he'll just be _Dookie_…non-Green Day fans look at us funny, but hey, we don't care."

Lately, she had been itching badly underneath her bandages. She could remember when she was a little girl and had scraped her knee falling off of her bike. The next day, her knee itched badly. Her mother had assured her, _"Don't worry Ruthie, sweetie, itching means it's healing." _Ruthie hoped that was the case this time around. She was lucky she couldn't scratch herself, because if she could, surely she would be.

Her bandages had been all removed; on her face and on her legs. She continued looking up at the ceiling, avoiding her legs. Chills swept through her body, as though her winter coat had just been removed. Nurse Ellie saw her shivering and added an extra blanket to her bed. Her legs were now covered; she could take her eyes off of the ceiling at last. "If you want, I can ask someone in your family to bring you in some clothes?" she suggested to Ruthie.

Ruthie's eyes lit up in delight. "You mean I can get out of these hideous hospital clothes?" She felt a sensation of happiness; real happiness. _Maybe…just maybe, _her mind throttled.

Nurse Ellie nodded, "Yes." She looked around carefully, as if she was hiding from someone. Then she placed her finger over her mouth, "Shh…I'll tell you a secret, but you can't tell anyone I told you, alright?"

Ruthie nodded, "Alright."

"Well…you're going to go to your therapy session with Doctor Meyer later today…and he's going to assess your walking. And depending on how well you do, you might get to go home Friday," she whispered and added quickly, "but I didn't tell you."

Ruthie's eyes widened. She wiggled her legs up and down_; I am going to get to walk! _Her heart started to race with excitement. She had been seeing Dr. Meyer every other day at two. Usually he would rub her legs and move them up and down insisting that it was good for her muscles so they wouldn't become stiff and she would have an easier time walking when the time came. It had almost been two months since she was allowed to walk. She couldn't believe two months had passed since the accident; two months had passed since her father's death; two months ago she had been pregnant; two months ago her mother had been awake. She felt like she was a completely different person than she was two months ago. _Two months ago I didn't know T-Bone was infected with HIV. _She had tried to let that slip her mind, but it did keep coming back to her. Ruthie dreaded receiving her results, but she wanted them back so much. She prayed and prayed each day that she didn't have it; that even though his sperm had gotten past the condom – his disease hadn't. Or maybe, just maybe, he contracted it afterward. There was a good five week gap from the time they had sex until he died. _He could have just as easily cheated on me, _Ruthie had decided. Two months ago, she could never have once in a million years believed she would be hoping her boyfriend had cheated on her. And it hit her, two months ago – after T-Bone's death – she had slept with Martin Brewer. This meant if she had HIV, so did Martin. _Oh shit, _she knew she needed to warn him – but she couldn't if he would not come see her.

After her conversation with Nurse Ellie, Ruthie remained restless and anxious. A little while later, Meredith and Peter dropped by. Meredith would try to come by as much as she could with Peter, though Ruthie understood it was difficult for her. She was working two jobs now trying to pay her way through college, which started for her next fall. Meredith was planning on attending Crawford to stay close to her younger brother and sister.

"Hi Honey!" Peter grinned walking through the door, "So they've removed your bandages, eh?" She admired him for still being able to call her _Honey _looking the way she did.

"Yeah…" Ruthie trailed, "How bad do I look?"

"Not bad, not bad at all," Meredith replied, "Nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little make up."

Ruthie looked towards the doorway, looking to see if anyone was out there. She had to tell someone, though she didn't want to get anyone's hopes up. Ruthie motioned Meredith and Peter towards her, "Shh, I have to tell you guys something." Meredith and Peter came closer to her.

"What?" Peter and Meredith whispered back with tints of excitement in their voices.

"I'm not supposed to know," Ruthie whispered, "but you know Nurse Ellie? Well, she told me that I'm going to get to walk in my therapy session this afternoon and Dr. Meyer is going to assess my walking…and if I do well I get to go home on Friday." She looked around, "Shh…"

"Oh that's great!" Peter and Meredith both cried. Ruthie looked at them sternly. Peter and Meredith both looked at each other and then whispered, "That's great!"

"It feels like it has been forever since I've walked," Ruthie murmured, "What if I can't?"

"Oh Ruthie, I'm sure you will do great," Meredith smiled.

"You're strong Ruthie, there's nothing you _can't _do," Peter assured.

Ruthie rolled her eyes, "Well, I can't move my arms…"

"You will be able to shortly," Peter winked, "Didn't you say six weeks like four weeks ago?"

Ruthie nodded. Dr. Cambridge had told her she would be able to go home in three to four weeks, though her casts would remain for at least another six. _At least _had been the key words. She sighed; she wished they could remove them when they sent her home. Surely it wouldn't be easy making her way around the house without any arms. Someone would always have to be _watching _or taking care of her. She would still have to be sponge bathed and fed like a baby. Ruthie felt like she was regressing back to her childhood. She was approaching one year old as she prepared to take her first steps. If only she had someone to hold and cuddle her. She did. _Peter. _He would wrap his warm arms around her when they were alone; he would comfort her when she cried; and he would tell her everything would be alright.

"So, do you want to go for a ride?" Peter grabbed the wheel chair.

Ruthie nodded, "Sure."

"Alright, I will go get Nurse Ellie," Meredith volunteered. Everyone – except Matt and Sarah – was required to go to the nurse for assistance whenever they wanted to take Ruthie out in her wheel chair. This was a precaution; they didn't want to risk her getting hurt while getting out of her bed.

"No, don't!" Ruthie insisted.

"You don't want to go anymore?" Peter questioned.

"No. I can get out on my own," Ruthie fiercely responded to him.

"Um, Ruthie, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Meredith looked really skeptical. She could be such a worrier at times. Ruthie wished Meredith would just lighten up a little bit. She was so tense.

"Sure it is," Ruthie insisted. "All you guys have to do is help me sit up…then I'll take a few steps, and voila!" Peter and Meredith stared at each other, they both looked unsure about this. "Oh come on, pleaaaase," Ruthie begged. If she could bring her hands together to take a praying form, she would. Instead, she curled her lip like she had when she had begged God for a pony. Oh how she missed the days when all she wanted from the world was her own pony to ride.

Her puppy dog eyes gazed at Peter. He, too, looked uncertain. "Ruthie, what if you got hurt? Meredith and I would never be able to forgive ourselves."

"Dang guys, I won't get hurt, I promise," Ruthie pleaded, curling her lip.

Peter looked at Meredith and back at Ruthie. Finally, he sighed, "Okay. But…"

"…no buts!" Ruthie cut in, "Just help me sit on the edge." Slowly, Peter and Meredith both gently grabbed one of her arms, bringing them directly out in front of her. She removed the blanket; the color air brushed against her bare legs. Ruthie grabbed the courage to gape down at her legs. Her eyes flinch at the sight of scar. They weren't as bad as she had thought they would be. Peter supported her back as Ruthie shifted her hips. Now she was sitting parallel to her wheel chair. Slowly, Ruthie lowered her legs; soon she realized her feet were touching the icy cold floor. Her ankles ache slightly with all her full weight on them for the first time in two months. Ruthie took a deep breath and took one step, then a second. She rotated one hundred and eighty degrees, facing towards the bed again. Peter had run behind the wheelchair; and Meredith was standing next to her seemingly waiting for Ruthie to fall into her arms. Peter pushed the wheelchair up to her and Ruthie flexed her legs a little, sitting into the wheelchair. _I did it, _she praised herself. She looked up at Peter, and then at Meredith. Both were as white as ghosts. "What's wrong with you two?"

"What's wrong with us?" Meredith spat. "Ruthie, you just scared the living Hell out of us!"

"I told you nothing would happen," Ruthie replied bluntly rolling her eyes. She smiled, "Now, let's go outside – my scars could use some sun."

Peter and Meredith stared at each other with uncertain eyes. "Okay," Peter finally said. He began pushing her out of the room. The hallway was so much cooler than her room. She shivered as the cool conditioned air brushed against her skin. Eagerly, Ruthie awaited the outdoors. It was the middle of July – surely it would be humid.

Somehow they managed to make it through the halls of the hospital without passing any familiar faces. Meredith and Peter took Ruthie to the back of the hospital; there was side walk that led to a small gazebo. Nurses and family members would take patients that were wheelchair-bound out here for some fresh air. The humid air warmed Ruthie's goose bumps on her legs. Nobody was outside, so the three teenagers shared the open gazebo to themselves. Peter rolled Ruthie up the ramp to the gazebo and they entered the shade. A sensation of relaxation filled Ruthie's body. She felt as if she could just sit there forever.

She listened to the birds chirp and watched a rabbit run past. The summer sun beat down on the Earth, making the world sparkle. She had never realized how beautiful the Earth around her truly was. Two birds swooped down – they seemed to be chasing each other. Something about them reminded her of _Martin. _Her heart sulked with the thought of his name. _He's going to kill me. _

Peter and Meredith still looked as if they had seen a ghost. "Are you sure you don't want to go inside?" Meredith asked carefully. "When is your therapy session again?"

Ruthie sighed, "It's at two. It has always been at two."

Peter glanced at his watch and sighed, "It's almost two."

"You mean it's really ten-thirty," Ruthie winked. She had looked at the clock before leaving the hospital room. It hard only been a quarter after ten; not that much time had passed.

Meredith sighed looking at Peter, "Well, you can't fool her."

"Nope," Ruthie chirped. At that moment, the door in the distance swung open. A familiar blond figure ran up the ramp.

"There you are!" Simon cried breathlessly. "We've been looking for you everywhere!" He stared down Meredith and Peter. "You're not supposed to bring her out here without the nurse's permission!" Meredith and Peter looked at each other, then at Ruthie. They all bit their lips. Ruthie looked at them warningly. Simon walked behind Ruthie's wheel chair and started pushing her back inside, "Ruthie, you have no idea how frightened I was when Cecilia and I came to see you and you weren't in your bed; and then the nurses and doctors had no idea where you had been. I can't believe you let Peter and Meredith take you out without telling the nurse. What if you had gotten hurt?"

Ruthie rolled her eyes, "Don't blame Meredith and Peter. It was my idea."

Simon stopped cold, "Why Ruthie? Do you want to jeopardize your health? Do you not want to go home?"

"I'm fine," murmured Ruthie, "and I didn't get hurt." She wondered if Simon knew that she might be able to go home on Friday. Surely he did; in fact, everyone probably did – except she wasn't supposed to know. She hated people keeping secrets from her. It was _her _body. She had the right to know what was happening to it.

"And thank God you didn't," Simon told her, "Ruthie, I love you, and so do everyone else – and I know it has to be hard on you…being stuck up here in the hospital and all. It'll pay off in the end Ruthie...you have to know that." Ruthie looked up at Simon. His eyes were watering a little. She didn't understand why everyone had to be so emotional for her. If anyone should be crying, it should be her. She was the one who had been stuck in the hospital for two months – a month which she wasn't even conscious for. It was her who had put her mother in a coma – no matter what anyone else said. And most frighteningly, it was her who may have been exposed to HIV. She shivered as they approached her room again.

Matt, Sarah, and Cecilia were standing around her bed with their arms crossed. Their faces were ghastly and frightening, until they saw Ruthie enter the room. "There you are Ruthie!" Cecilia cried.

"Where the hell were you?" Matt demanded coming closer to his little sister. "They called me out in the middle of a delivery saying that my little sister is missing. What do you think was going through my mind? I'll tell you: I wonder if you have decided to make an attempt at walking…seeing as you haven't walked in two months, I know how dangerous that could be for you. Then I wonder if one of your friends has come to help you _escape_. Ruthie, how could you?" He turned to Peter and Meredith shaking his head, "I don't want you two visiting my sister without supervision for the remainder of her hospital stay." Meredith and Peter's mouths dropped. His eyes were furious; they reminded her vaguely of her father's when he got angry – like the time Matt had brought marijuana into their house. _Oh Matt, please don't become like Dad, _was all Ruthie could think.

"Relax, Matt, I'm fine. There was no harm done! Peter, Meredith, and I just went out to the gazebo – it was my idea, not theirs," Ruthie responded calmly.

"Someone had to push you," Matt growled, "I don't care whose idea it was, it's a simple fact: they took you out there without telling a nurse."

Sarah motioned closer to her husband. She placed her right arm around him, "Calm down, Matt, she's here now and she's safe. That's all that matters."

Cecilia waddled over to Meredith and wrapped her arm around her foster sister, "I'm sure Meredith and Peter didn't mean any harm. Besides, Meredith is going to become a nurse…Ruthie was in good hands."

The door flew open and Dr. Cambridge walked in. "Well, I see they found the patient," he spoke. "This is good, because your therapy appointment has been pushed up to eleven and it's ten to, Nurse Ellie should be by anytime to take you to your session." Ruthie sighed looking around the room.

"I should be getting back to the delivery room," Matt said quickly, releasing himself from Sarah's grip. "And Sarah, you have patients to see." He turned to Ruthie and gave her a warning glare. He and Sarah both left the room. Ruthie shivered a little after they had left. She looked at Simon and Cecilia, who seemed to be thinking the same thing. They were worried about Matt; with Dad gone and Mom in a coma – he seemed a little restless. _He can't become Dad, _Ruthie pondered_, He scorned Dad's ways…he would never become him. _Ruthie closed her eyes; she remembered her father's detailed description of his own father. Growing up, he had hated his father's parenting ways – then as he became a father himself, he had taken on many of those same ways. She looked up frightened at Simon. _He's going to be a father soon… _

A few minutes later Nurse Ellie arrived. Her face was bubbly as usual, and she did not mention Ruthie's temporary disappearance – Ruthie admired her for that. She smiled, "Well I see you're all ready to go, well, that saves me some work. Are you ready to go Ruthie?" she winked. Only Ruthie knew what the wink was for. She grinned and nodded.

She tried to remain confident through the entire of the therapy session. The session began as usual. Dr. Meyer placed a light weight on her legs and instructed her to lift them up and down. The weight had gradually been getting heavier. It had started being only a pound, but now it was up to five pounds. Afterward, Dr. Meyer rubbed massaged her legs with some lotion – he hadn't done that before. His rubbery gloves felt gooey against her skin. She figured he wore rather for his protection opposed to hers. If she _did _have HIV that meant if he were to break open one of the cuts he could be at risk for HIV. _"You lost a lot of blood," _Matt had told her a month ago. Her blood had surely shed all over the crime scene; anyone who had been in contact with her during her procedures could be at risk. _That is why doctors where gloves, _Ruthie assured herself. Then it hit her_, Mary. _Surely her blood had to have cross paths with Mary's at some point during the accident_, is that why she fled? Did they tell Mary? _Ruthie shivered.

Just as Ruthie thought the therapy session was coming to a wrap, and Dr. Meyer had decided against allowing her to walk because of her little scene, he moved her legs to the side of the table she was lying on. "Okay Ruthie," he started, "it's that moment I'm sure you have been waiting for." Her heart leaped in excitement. Gently, he helped her down the floor and allowed her to become stable. He then positioned himself about five feet away from her. "Ruthie, I want you to walk to me."

Ruthie took a deep breath. She stretched her right leg out, bending her knee. Her feet pressed against a padded floor; if she were to fall the landing would be soft. She took it step by step, slowly making her way towards Dr. Meyer. _One and two and three and four and, _Ruthie counted in her head; she suddenly felt as if she were part of a marching band. She arrived face to face with Dr. Meyer. His sparkly blue eyes twinkled into hers and his gray whiskers were nearly close enough to brush against her face. She smiled, as she felt accomplished. "Good job, Ruthie," the middle aged man smiled back at her. He allowed her to walk over to her wheel chair; while she walked he remained closely behind her now – just in case. Ruthie didn't lose her balance one bit; she felt so proud of herself.

Nurse Ellie arrived a few moments later to take her back to her room. "So?" she whispered as they approached the room.

"I did it," Ruthie whispered back.

"You go girl," Nurse Ellie smiled, still in a whisper.

The remainder of the day was quite a bore. Simon and Cecilia sat with her for some hours. They hadn't brought up her going to London with them again, but Ruthie just assumed that option was still on the table. She figured they were waiting until she actually was out of the hospital make those final decisions.

Sometimes they would just sit there staring at the television. Simon would ask her what she wanted to watch; Ruthie was at the point she was sick of almost all television. She would simply respond, "Whatever you want." Simon would choose something crime related; like NCIS, Law and Order, or CSI.

After staring blankly, she wasn't really paying attention, at an episode of NCIS; Ruthie realized Simon and Cecilia hadn't shared with her what they had chosen to name their daughter. She amplified, "Have you picked out a name?"

"Huh?" Simon asked; Cecilia grabbed the remote control and turned down the television making it possible for them to actually hear Ruthie speak. Her throat no longer burned to speak; the gunk in her throat had evaporated - so it had turned out the doctors were actually right about something.

"Have you picked out any names for your daughter?" Ruthie asked again.

Cecilia placed her hand on her belly. She glanced at Simon, and then turned to Ruthie, "We have, but we wanted to wait until the baby is born."

"Oh, well, you can tell me, I won't tell anyone," Ruthie insisted. _I haven't told anyone what Kevin and Lucy are naming theirs, _Ruthie thought to herself. She bit her lip, making sure not to say that out loud. Ruthie remembered when she had blurted out_, "I've kept Matt and Sarah's secret for years" _to her mother in order to prove she could keep a secret. Of course, that had only led to trouble. She had run up to the attic and called Sarah. She had begged Sarah to tell her a new secret; one that she could tell her parents instead. Sarah had told her that Matt and she were expecting; Ruthie smiled thinking she was the first of the Camden siblings to know Matt was going to be a father. She was the first to know a lot of things; but more recently she had become the last to know too.

Cecilia looked at her husband hesitantly. "Sure, tell her," Simon insisted. "She won't tell anyone."

Patting her belly, Cecilia smiled weakly, "This little girl is going to be named Madelyn Moira Camden." _Moira, _Ruthie thought. It was a name of Scottish origins – she had known a girl named _Moira _in Scotland. Ruthie was also aware the name had Irish origins; it was the anglicized form of the French version of "Mary." Ruthie wondered where Simon and Cecilia had come up with it.

"We decided against naming her after anyone in our families," Simon added, "We figured Kevin and Lucy would be doing enough of that – my guess is that they're naming their daughter after Mom." _Well kind of, _Ruthie thought_, her middle name will be "Anne." _Ruthie bit her lip, ensuring not to break her promise to Kevin.

There was a tap on the door. Ruthie had come to realize people did that in hospitals to _warn _the patients and their guests that they were entering. Ruthie suspected they didn't want to walk in on a _private _conversation – or them in the nude. Kevin walked in. He was carrying a plastic bag full of _clothes_. He grinned towards Ruthie, "Nurse Ellie called the house and said that you were in need of some real clothes.

"Who is with Lucy and the kids?" Cecilia suddenly asked.

"Julie's there with Erica and Nolan," Kevin assured Cecilia. Aunt Julie had only been out a few times to see Ruthie since she had woken up. She had seemed to become their live-in _nanny _at the house. It was like she had taken her mother's place. From what Ruthie had heard; Erica, Sam, and David had become the best of friends. Also, Nolan had opened up more. He, Erica, Sam, and David were big helps taking care of the smaller children.

Jacob and Noah's first birthday was on Friday. It hit her: _Friday_. _Nurse Ellie said…_ her head spun. _That's it! _It made sense to her as why they were trying to get home then. _But then my homecoming would overshadow their birthday, _Ruthie thought. Really, she didn't care – she just wanted to get home. She wanted to see her niece and nephews; she wanted to be able to sleep in her own bed, and most importantly: she wanted to see Martin again; even if it meant warning him he might have HIV.

"I brought you blouses," Kevin told her, "I thought they would be easier for you to get on…I didn't think you would be able to get a T-shirt over your head." _I don't care, _Ruthie thought. She only wanted to get into _normal _clothes again.

The door opened and Nurse Ellie walked in. She smiled at Kevin. "I see you've brought her clothes!" she turned to Ruthie, "I will help you change."

OooO

It felt nice to be in _normal _clothes again – even sweats and a blouse. She felt as if she was one step closer to going home. Simon, Cecilia, and Kevin left her later – she assumed they had either gone to see Mother, or they had gone home. Ruthie continued to watch Oprah – waiting for good news. The door cracked open sometime later and Sarah entered. Ruthie glanced over at the clock, it was five o'clock already – Sarah was off the clocks. She would stop seeing patients around five. Being a pediatrician had to be one of the less demanding fields in Medicine. She got to see small children every day and be done at five. Matt's job was never-ending. He was called in whenever a woman was going into labor – which could be any hour of the day.

"How are you doing?" Sarah smiled friendly as she pulled a chair over to Ruthie's bed.

"I would be doing much better if I could go home," Ruthie gave her sister-in-law a puppy dog face as she _hinted_.

Sarah laughed a little and at the door, and then quickly back at Ruthie – like Nurse Ellie had earlier. "Shh," she whispered, "I'm not supposed to say anything…they don't want to get your hopes up…"_ So everyone else does know! _Ruthie shouted to herself in disgust. "Anyway," Sarah continued, "If your tests come back good tomorrow, there's a high chance you will get to go home on Friday."

"Friday is Jacob and Noah's birthday," Ruthie declared.

"You remembered," Sarah laughed, "Yes, it is…and Matt and I have Friday off." She looked at the door again, "Can you keep a secret?"

Ruthie nodded, "You know I can."

"Actually, I don't, you did tell Matt about me telling you that we were moving back to Glen Oak," Sarah accused.

Ruthie shrugged, "It was an accident…and it was for Simon's benefit."

"Right…" Sarah glanced back at the door and whispered, "Well, I've been trying to talk Carlos into bringing the kids out here on Friday. We're planning a big party for Jacob and Noah. I know Crissy and Jenny turned one last month, but I thought maybe they could celebrate together…because even if Mary and Carlos had a party for Crissy and Jenny we weren't invited."

Ruthie's mouth dropped, "Mary will never go for that."

"You're right, and Carlos is being really hesitant going against his wife…I told him he didn't need to bring Mary; just Charlie, Crissy, and Jenny…plus, it would be good for Savannah and Charlie. Savannah still won't stop talking about Charlie," Sarah sighed, "and Lucy doesn't want any of us calling Mary…she's really upset with her for leaving us empty handed after the accident. I really don't want to add any stress on her, because of the baby and all, but I figured Carlos could just _show up_, you know?"

Ruthie laughed slightly, "It sounds like you have gotten yourself in over your head…I thought you would have learned by now not to mess with my sisters."

Sarah laughed, "Lucy and I usually get along just fine, and I have nothing against Carlos. We actually talk all of the time. There is just no explaining Mary."

"She is unexplainable," Ruthie sighed. Mary was Mary; that was the only explanation. There was no plausible explanation for her eldest sister's behaviors.


	23. Like Father

Outside Heaven

Chapter 23

Like Father

Peter didn't come to see her that Thursday. It was the first day since Ruthie had woken up he hadn't been there for her. _It is all Matt's fault, _Ruthie kept thinking moment after moment. For the first time in her life, she felt a tint of hatred toward her oldest brother. She had always admired and looked up to Matt; never in a million years would she ever have been able to imagine hating him. Even now, she couldn't bring herself to _hate _him, but she did feel anger.

Ruthie attended her therapy session that afternoon; she did a lot more walking. She felt like a mummy with her arms directly straight in front of her. Fortunately, she could bend her legs – so she was not a complete mummy. After nearly an hour of walking, Ruthie felt exhausted. She was rolled back to her hospital bed and found herself dozing as she listened to Oprah.

The emptiness in the room was eerie and uncanny. She had so few visitors that Thursday. Sarah had dropped by in the morning before heading to work; usually Matt came with her – but he hadn't this morning. He hadn't dropped by the night before like he normally would too. Ruthie figured he was avoiding her; perhaps he was ashamed with his actions towards her. Sarah hadn't said, and Ruthie hadn't asked. Ruthie had asked Sarah if she had any luck with Carlos. Sarah had solely shrugged and said, "We'll see." She had said _we_, so Ruthie assumed her homecoming was still on the plate for Friday. Ruthie hoped this would be the last Thursday she would spend in the hospital.

As Ruthie dozed she entered a dream cloud. She was running, running fast. A creature was chasing her, but she was too afraid to turn around and come face to face with hit. _Run, Ruthie, Run, _her subconscious told herself. She ran faster and faster, somehow she managed to maintain her stamina. Sweat dripped from her dream-face; her feet pounced against the hard desert sand. _Faster, faster, _her subconscious told her. She stretched her legs just a little further…

A cold hand touched her forehead. "Ruthie?" a familiar soothing voice spoke. Ruthie squished her eyelids tighter, moving her eyeballs around. Her eyes slowly opened; after she blinked a few times her oldest brother's face came into a clear picture. Sweat dripped from her already grimy and greasy face. She hadn't had a sponge bath since Tuesday. "I'm sorry to wake you," Matt murmured. Ruthie rolled her eyes, shrugging a little. "But we need to talk, and I'm not sure how much time I have."

"Yeah, okay," Ruthie rolled her eyes.

"I'm sorry I was harsh with your friends yesterday," Matt told her, stroking her greasy feeling hair. "It's really quite embarrassing for me, the more and more I think about it…I realize I sounded like Dad. I didn't let you explain, I didn't give you the chance to explain…I just blew up at you. I'm sorry Ruthie."

Ruthie's eyes gazed up at the clock; it was almost eight-thirty. She had been asleep for nearly four hours. "Well, you succeeded with your goal," Ruthie replied coldly. "Neither Peter nor Meredith visited me today."

Matt's face curved downward; his eyes were sincere, but Ruthie didn't care. Her veins boiled with anger. _I need to get out of this Hell hole, _Ruthie's head throbbed. "I am sorry Ruthie," Matt said again, "I will call them, okay?"

"Yeah whatever," Ruthie rolled her eyes, "you know, you're not Dad…and Matt, if you treat your sons as they are growing up like you treated me yesterday…I feel sorry for Jake and Noah. They will have Eric Camden version 2.0 as their father." Matt eyes widened as he stared back at her blankly. His mouth remained closed and his eyes gazed without a blink into hers for the longest time; he seemed to be in a deep thought process.

The door swung open some moments later. Matt flinched and twirled around to become face to face with Dr. Cambridge. The doctor was wearing his usual white coat and carrying his same old clipboard. His smile was fiend as he looked strangely at Matt then focused his eyes on Ruthie. "Good, you're awake," he commented in a serious manner. "Well, Ruthie, we have your test results back – and, I must say everything appears normal. You are in the clearing to go home tomorrow." _Yes! _Ruthie's head screamed. Her lips spread apart as her face curved upward. She could feel her grin stretch her entire fire – it had been some time since she had smiled so largely. _Finally, _she thought_, finally I can go home. _Her heart raced with excitement; if only it could be tomorrow already. Ruthie looked forward to seeing Sam, David, Savannah, Jake, and Noah. _It's Jacob and Noah's birthday, _Ruthie thought_, I bet they've grown so much. _

She could not help but wonder if Carlos would come in; somehow she doubted it. He always said_, "Mary gave birth to our children for both of us." _It didn't make much sense to Ruthie, but according to Carlos it meant Mary was the boss of him. Ruthie thought he was a little weakling to think like that. _If I ever marry, _Ruthie thought_, I could never ask my husband to do what I say simply because I gave birth to his children. _Ruthie thoughts stopped dead as she gazed down at her stomach. She couldn't help but wonder if she would ever have a child. Then it hit her…_If I have HIV I won't live long enough. _Her stomach churned. The thought had slipped her mind; in fact, she had almost forgotten. The thought would slap her in the face at random – if only she could get her test results back sooner.

"Well, I should get back to my wing," Matt mumbled and turned to Ruthie, "I'll see you tomorrow, Ruthie." He left. Ruthie had almost forgotten her anger towards her brother, but it didn't matter now. _She was going home! _

Dr. Cambridge left a few moments later. Nurse Ellie brought her some cafeteria food; a ham sandwich, chocolate pudding, and some orange juice. As she ate, Ruthie's thoughts continuously reminded her_, this is my last hospital meal… _She hoped it would be her last hospital meal, anyway. Ruthie realized she hadn't asked at _what time _she would be going home; she hoped for the first thing in the morning.

After she was fed, she was given a sponge bath and her hair was washed. She was grateful to wash away the grime form her hair. Afterward, she lay in her bed – for the last night – feeling squeaky clean. She gazed up at the ceiling fantasizing about the day ahead of her. Her eyes became heavy with sleep and soon she was in an altered-state of consciousness.

_The fresh breeze fills my nostrils. I'm lying on the beach next to Peter and Meredith. The warm sun burns against my skin. My arms are free; they're free to move up and down. I feel an itch on my nose – quickly I rub it. The fly swooshes into my eye. "Ouch!" I cry as I spring off of the towel I lied on. _

_ "What's wrong?" Peter asks, wrapping his arm around me._

_ "There's a fly in my eye!" I cry. Peter grabs a bottle of water – it seemed to appear out of nowhere. He pours the water into my eyes. The pain leaves my eye and I'm relieved. _

_ "Ruthie!" I hear a familiar deep voice. Quickly, I twirl around…there he is. He's wearing trunks and his six-pack sticks out. _

_ "Martin!" my heart throbs; I push Peter away, running over to my one true love. My arms fling around him and our lips touch again. "I thought you'd never come back."_

_ "Yeah, well, here I am," Martin smiles and his eyes gaze sincerely into mine. Happiness fills my heart; he's mine… he's mine…_

"He's mine," Ruthie whispered; her heart thudding.

"Who's yours?" a voice whispered back. Her eyes shot open; the bright sun shone through the window. Meredith and Cecilia were standing directly above her bed.

"There you are sleepy-head, we've been waiting for you to awake," Meredith smiled. She sat a familiar looking bag on her bed. It was _her _bag; her make-up bag. Meredith gleamed, "Cecilia and I are going to spiffy you all up!"

"What time is it?" Ruthie whispered; she had forgotten about the clock on the wall.

"It's almost eight. Matt wants to try and get you home by nine; since they've told everyone the party starts at eleven. You see, we didn't want you to have to come home to a crowd. You should get to settle in and all first," Cecilia smiled, stroking her hair.

"That gives us about an hour," Meredith added, "let's get to work." She ripped the foundation out of Ruthie's bag and began plunging it onto Ruthie's face. In the meantime, Cecilia began brushing through and straightening Ruthie's hair. Ruthie smiled to herself as she was being pampered.

Fifteen minutes later, Meredith held up a mirror. Ruthie admired her reflection – her scars were not visible. _I'm still the same Ruthie, _she told herself. The mirror reflected the same Ruthie who had once loved Peter; the same Ruthie who had thought _sexy _was the answer to life; the same Ruthie who had gone to Scotland; the same Ruthie who had fallen in love with T-Bone; the same Ruthie who had been stupid enough to have sex with T-Bone; the same Ruthie. _Who am I? _Ruthie thought_; who is Ruthie Camden now? _She did not know the answer to that question.

"Hmm… I could paint your toe-nails," Meredith giggled. Ruthie gazed at her arms – both still fully in casts. The casts went from her shoulders all the way down to her thumb. She wiggled her pinky, then her ring finger. Meredith noticed and added, "Oh, I could do your fingers…I just…you know, didn't want to hurt you or anything."

Ruthie shrugged carelessly, "It doesn't matter. I don't think you would hurt me."

"Okay," Meredith shrugged as she began painting.

"In the meantime…" Cecilia continued as she waddled over to the _closet _that held Ruthie's clothes. "What do you want to wear today, Ruthie?" She started taking Ruthie's clothes off of rack as she showed Ruthie her options. After carefully contemplating, Ruthie decided on a purple plaid blouse and black skirt. As soon as her nails were dry, Cecilia and Meredith gently helped her get dressed.

Ruthie was already sitting on her bed when Nurse Ellie wheeled in her wheel chair. "I thought I could walk now," Ruthie commented bluntly.

"Hey, if I had the option to be wheeled out to the car I wouldn't pass on it," Nurse Ellie laughed. "Enjoy being pampered while you can. Save your walking for home."

Ruthie smiled weakly. Nurse Ellie grabbed her arm to help her off of the bed. Ruthie took a few careful steps to her wheelchair. "Where are Matt and Sarah?" she asked looking at Meredith and Cecilia. Ruthie looked at the clock, it was ten until nine.

Meredith and Cecilia made eye contact. Cecilia replied, "They should be coming any minute now. Simon was supposed to tag along also; I know Kevin said he wanted to stay home and help Julie with the house and the food – Lucy's fretting that they won't let her do anything." Just as she finished, the door swung open. Matt, Sarah, and Simon entered.

"Well, are you ready to go home kiddo?" Simon smiled at his little sister. He stroked her hair. "I see Cecilia and Meredith did a great job cleaning you up." Simon wrapped his arm around his wife and gave her a peck on the forehead. He placed his hand on her belly and cooed, "How are my girls?"

"I don't know about me, but she's sure antsy today. She's sure on the move…I guess that's a good sign," Cecilia laughed; then she grunted a little. "Did you feel that Sime? She just kicked."

Simon's hand instilled on his wife's belly; his eyes widened as he gazed into Cecilia's eyes, "I feel her." He looked over at Matt and Sarah, then back at Ruthie, "That's my daughter."

"Congratulations, bro," Matt chuckled a little as he placed his hand on Simon's shoulder. "Welcome to Fatherhood." He turned towards Ruthie and sighed. "Now," Matt started, looking around the room, "if you don't mind, I'd like to have a word with Ruthie alone."

Nurse Ellie, Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith filed out of the room groaning a bit. They left Sarah, Matt, and Ruthie in the room alone. Matt gazed warningly over at Sarah. She shrugged, "I didn't know that applied to me too."

"I said alone; as in Ruthie and me," Matt told her.

"Yeah, but that's never stopped…" she took note to Matt's gaze, "Okay, I'll leave you two alone…" She left, slowly closing the door behind her.

Matt sighed as pulled a chair over so he could sit at eye level with Ruthie. He placed his hand on her knee. "You were right," he uttered.

"About?" Ruthie questioned.

"About…everything; I was a complete hypocrite, Ruthie…and the more and more I think about it the more sick I become. After all, it was I who at seventeen took a terminally ill boy outside so he could play baseball…it was against the hospital's wishes. Yet, here I was bawling you, Peter, and Meredith for doing the same…" Matt placed his head in his hands; a tear started to roll down his face. "Here I am: Eric Camden version 2.0."

If she could have wrapped her arms around him, she would have. "Matt," she said quietly, "you're not Dad. You will never be Dad. I shouldn't have said you were Eric Camden version 2.0…and you were right, I was foolish to demand Peter and Meredith to take me outside without telling a nurse…you have no idea what it's like to be cooped up in a hospital for two months."

Matt brought his face out of his hands and whispered, "You're right. I don't. I see patients day in and day out cooped up in the hospital…but you're right, I have no idea what it's like; I'm lucky I've never had to endure that."

They were interrupted when the door flew open. Dr. Cambridge entered holding his clipboard. Sarah was right behind; Ruthie assumed she never left the door. "I see we're having a cry-fest in here," he snarled sarcastically, "I would think you would be partying – jumping for joy. Though, of course, I wouldn't recommend you be jumping just yet, Ruthie." His eyes focused into hers; his eyes forced a chill underneath her skin. "Ruthie, I'm releasing you under the custody of your brother and sister-in-law. However, you're expected to check in here next Friday; then we'll go from there." His eyes gazed at Sarah and Matt, "Now remember, she's not completely out of the woods, yet. In fact, I'm not entirely sure if she should be going home," he turned back at Ruthie, "your brother and sister-in-law pushed really hard for this."

"If I'm not mistaking, you told her four weeks ago that she could come home in three to four weeks," Sarah inquired. She looked at Ruthie, "That's right, isn't it?" Ruthie nodded quickly.

"Are you questioning my judgment, Ms. Glass?" Dr. Cambridge slowly questioned.

"Oh no," Sarah smiled and added rather hastily, "And that's Dr. Glass…thank you."

"Don't get snooty with me, _Doctor _Glass," Dr. Cambridge snarled.

"Don't mess with him," Matt whispered, grabbing his wife's shoulder, "he has friends that can get our licenses revoked."

"Oh, do you?" Sarah queried at Dr. Cambridge. "Well, I have some friends too. Some friends that wouldn't be happy to hear how _rude _you have been to Ruthie and her friends and family during her entire hospital stay. So, I would think about that before you go threatening our jobs."

Dr. Cambridge clenched his fist looking fiendishly into Sarah's eyes. Sarah made a move closer to Dr. Cambridge. Quickly, Matt grabbed her, "Let it be, Sarah, let it be," he whispered and turned to Dr. Cambridge and smiled scurried, "We'll be taking Ruthie home now, have a nice day."

"You better run Camden," Dr. Cambridge growled, "like father like son."

"Did you just slam my father?" Matt stopped coldly. "I thought you two were friends."

Dr. Cambridge laughed and sneered, "Friends? Right. I told you that we _worked _together. Matt, dear, your father was a coward like you. He ran away from the truth with any chance he got. Everything was so _positive and uplifting _in his world."

Matt lifted his fist, "Don't…you…dare…."

Sarah gripped onto Matt's fist wrapping her arm around his shoulders, "Let it go, Matt, let it go. Let's get Ruthie out of here." Sarah drug Matt behind Ruthie's wheelchair; she began rolling Ruthie out of the room.

Matt turned back and called, "Ruthie won't be seeing you again, I'll remove her casts myself before I dare let her come back into your office." Ruthie smiled to herself; she was proud of her brother and sister-in-law for telling that ass of a doctor off. Now, she would never have to see him again. Though, she would miss Nurse Ellie – it was too bad such a nice lady had to work for such an asshole.

They met Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith in the waiting room. "There you are!" Meredith exclaimed.

Ruthie grinned, "Let me tell you, you guys just missed Sarah put Dr. Cambridge in his place."

"Seriously?" Simon gaped in disbelief at his sister-in-law.

Sarah blushed, "Yeah, I guess I did," then she turned to Matt and gave him a little shove, "Then I had to stop Matt from beating him up."

"Only after I stopped you," Matt laughed. Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith were staring at him in disbelief waiting for an explanation. "Well," Matt started; he blushed, "He tried to insult Dad…and it set me off." _Like father like son. _Ruthie gazed at Matt. Truth be told, he wasn't Dad. Matt was a caring and loving individual – as he had been raised to be by their parents. Matt could admit his faults; their father never could. Their father was in denial of the world around him; Matt was clearly aware of it.

She left the wheelchair behind and landed herself in the backseat of the van. Matt and Sarah sat in the front; Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith drove home separately. Their Jeep had been completely totaled in the back – it was far beyond a reasonable repair price. Now, they were driving Simon's old car; the one he had drove in college that had been Matt's.

The ride home was full of anticipation. Ruthie was still having a hard time believing _she was going home_. In a way, it seemed just like yesterday she had left the house with Mary with intentions of going to see Lucy. That wasn't yesterday, though; that was two months ago. She struggled to conceptualize that.

Ruthie looked forward to seeing Sam, David, Savannah, and most importantly the birthday boys: Jacob and Noah. She had seen none of them since she had woken up. Ruthie blamed Dr. Cambridge's orders for that. She never understood why they couldn't just go talk under the gazebo; even if they weren't going up to her room. But no. Dr. Cambridge had strictly ordered: _"No visitors under the age of twelve." _

Ruthie assumed Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith had already parked in the garage when Matt pulled into the driveway. The garage door was closed and they had been ahead of them – surely they were home already. Matt pulled up next to a familiar looking van; Ruthie recognized it as Aunt Julie's. _I wonder who else will show up; _Ruthie couldn't help but ponder to herself.

Matt helped her out of the car and offered to let her lean on him as they approached the door. "No, I'm fine," Ruthie insisted as she stumbled to find her balance. Matt still insisted he remain close to Ruthie as they cautiously made it through the fence.

"Ruthie's home!" she heard a shout from the backyard. Sam and David ran up to the fence and each took their turns wrapping their arms around her.

"We've missed you!" Sam cried.

"Are you all better now?" David asked hopefully.

Ruthie smiled weakly down at her little brothers. She noticed Sam seemed to have grown since she had seen him last. He was now only a hair shorter than David. "I hope so," she replied.

"How long do you have to wear the casts?" Sam inquired as they started walking into the kitchen. Ruthie looked up at Matt with uncertain eyes. He shrugged.

"I don't know," Ruthie replied. "Hopefully for not too much longer."

Sam and David disappeared into the living room shortly after they entered the kitchen. Aunt Julie was stirring something in Mom's big mixer bowl. The minute Ruthie entered she dropped the spatula and raced over to Ruthie. "Ruthie! It is so good to see you on your feet again!" She wrapped her arms around her. "Erica and Nolan are in the living room playing with the little ones. Lucy's in there lying on the couch watching them so she can feel useful. I feel so bad for her; poor Lucy. But of course it's for the best; we all want her to have another healthy baby."

"Where is Kevin?" Matt questioned curiously.

"You know, he didn't say where they were going," Aunt Julie stated suspiciously, "as soon as Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith pulled in he ran out of the house and I haven't seen him since."

Matt, Sarah, and Ruthie looked at each other in suspicion. "Where are Simon, Cecilia, and Meredith?" Sarah asked.

"Cecilia and Meredith are upstairs cleaning themselves up. They got up so early this morning to go to the hospital they didn't clean themselves up. Simon… now that you mention it, I think he must be with Kevin," Aunt Julie informed them.

Matt and Sarah's eyes widened. _What were Kevin and Simon up to? _Ruthie hoped there wasn't a surprise involved. She wasn't sure if she was physically or mentally capable of handling surprises quite yet. A few moments later, Sam and David barged back into the kitchen. "Lucy wants to see you!" Sam cried.

"She is lying on the couch in the living room," David added; though Ruthie already knew that part. Ruthie looked at Matt for guidance; he motioned her to go into the living room. Ruthie sulked; somehow she dreaded seeing Lucy the most. _At least she doesn't know, _Ruthie remembered.

Sam and David drug her into the living room. Lucy was lying on her side on the couch. She had a pillow underneath her feet and one behind her back. Lucy, like Cecilia, had grown tremendously since Ruthie had seen her last. However, for only being a month behind Cecilia – Lucy wasn't nearly as big. Lucy had always been small; even when she was pregnant with Savannah. For awhile there they had been wondering if she would ever really _show_. Lucy was twenty-seven weeks along now – next week she would hit the big seven. Kevin had told Ruthie how excited Lucy was to make to the third trimester. Naturally, full-term babies were healthiest – but babies born after the third trimester had a 90% survival rate without complications nowadays.

Lucy's face glowed when she saw Ruthie enter the room. Slowly, she sat up, "Ruthie! It's so nice to see you," she smiled and grunted, "I'm not supposed to move, so get over here so I can give you a hug!" Ruthie forced a smile as she sat down on the couch next to Lucy. Lucy wrapped her arms around her youngest sister, "I've missed you Ruthie, I am sorry I was so harsh with you before...I felt horrible when I heard about the accident. You were coming to see me after all. I'm so happy you're okay." _Sure you are, _Ruthie thought. She noticed how Lucy had said _you _were coming to see me; leaving Mary's name out of the picture.

"I should have been wearing a seat belt," Ruthie insisted, "It's my fault."

"Yes, you should have," Lucy agreed, "but our no-good-of-a-sister should have been watching where she was braking." Ruthie groaned at Lucy's scorn of their eldest sister. _It is not Mary's fault, I should not have told her, _Ruthie reminisced. She hated to let Lucy keep believing that Mary was a bad person – Ruthie knew she wasn't really; at least she didn't intend to be. Mary was Mary; Lucy of all people should know that.

"It is not all Mary's fault," Ruthie whispered, "do not push all the blame at her." She took note to how pale Lucy's face turned when Ruthie uttered _Mary. _

"D-Don't say that name!" Lucy shrieked, "It's the name of the devil." _Oh the irony, _Ruthie thought.

"Actually, it's the name of Jesus' mother," Ruthie snickered a little.

Lucy rolled her eyes, "Just because you have just returned home after being in the hospital for two months doesn't give you the right to smart-ass your smarter, older, and wiser sister!" She huffed, "And I'm pregnant, so don't even start with me." Lucy crossed her arms.

Ruthie heard a giggle from below; for the first time she realized Jacob, Noah, and Savannah were lying on a blanket playing _Go Fish! _along with Nolan, Erica, Sam, and David. Jacob and Noah weren't really _playing_; really they were sucking on the cards. Erica was playing _mother hen_ by helping them when it was their turn.

She barely recognized Jacob and Noah. Their curls were longer; if Ruthie didn't know better she would think they were girls. They needed their first hair cuts, but Ruthie had a feeling Sarah didn't want to risk losing those adorable curls. After all, Sarah had made it plain and clear she wanted _girls_ – it seemed easier to turn the sons she already had into girls.

Savannah had grown too and her hair had grown too – being a girl, it was perfectly acceptable. She was dressed all in pink. Ruthie caught Savannah timidly gazing over at her. "Savannah, you remember your aunt Ruthie, don't you?" Lucy seemed to notice her daughter's timid and uncertain look.

Savannah nodded shyly and responded, "Yes." She gazed nervously at Ruthie's arms. _She is afraid of my mummified arms, _Ruthie realized.

"Don't worry, sweetie, I'm not a mummy. I just broke my arms," Ruthie tried to explain to the two and a half year old.

The little girl showed confusion, "What's a mummy?" she asked.

Lucy rolled her eyes, "Ruthie, come on, she doesn't know what a mummy is! Did you know what a mummy was at two and a half?"

"I don't remember," Ruthie replied coldly and posed a new question for her older sister, "Do you remember what you knew at two and a half?" _Burn, _Ruthie was proud of herself.

Lucy huffed at Ruthie's outsmarting her. A few seconds later, they were interrupted when Cecilia and Meredith walked down the stairs into the living room. Cecilia took a seat in the living room chair and Meredith on the couch. Both of them were wearing different clothes from what they had been wearing at the hospital. Ruthie took note to Cecilia pretty baby blue maternity dress.

"So, what's going on?" Meredith asked. She looked at Ruthie, "It's almost ten and Peter said he and his family would be here around ten." _Good, Peter's coming, _Ruthie felt a relieved feeling; for some reason she had feared he was angry with her. Though, he had every right to be angry – she had almost gotten him in big trouble with the hospital.

Matt and Sarah entered a few moments later. "There are my birthday boys," Sarah cooed at her sons. She walked over to the blanket and picked up both of the boys with cards in their mouth. Sarah grabbed the slobbery cards out of their mouths. Turning to the older kids she warned, "You really shouldn't let them eat these cards. They could choke."

"I'm sorry," Erica insisted, "I thought it was okay. Nolan used to suck on cards when he was little…I didn't know it could hurt them."

"You didn't know, it's okay Erica sweetie, just remember next time," Sarah assured the seven-year-old.

"I will!" Erica promised.

"So will we," Sam and David added.

"Good," Sarah smiled at the children and turned around towards Ruthie and Lucy. _Lucy was here the whole time, _Ruthie contemplated to herself_, if anyone should have put a stop to it – it should have been her. _Sarah glared seemingly a little annoyed towards Lucy, but she said nothing. She handed one of the boys to Matt who joined Meredith on the couch; soon he was followed by his wife.

"You guys wouldn't happen to know where Simon and Kevin are; would you?" Matt asked turning towards Cecilia and Meredith.

Both shook their heads. "We went upstairs right away. I thought Simon was down here helping Julie," Cecilia insisted. Her eyes widened, "You mean he's not?"

"Wait, Kevin's not helping Aunt Julie?" Lucy butted in. She shot, "What do you mean? He's supposed to be helping her get the food ready!" A worry-some look took over her face. _They just had to bring this up in front of Lucy, _Ruthie sighed to herself_; great, just great… _

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note: **I wasn't originally going to end here, but I thought I would leave you all a nice cliffy…:] What are Kevin and Simon up to now? Hmm … there is more drama to unfold soon! Dr. Cambridge was sure an ass, wasn't he? Oh by the way, thank you to everyone who has reviewed getting me to 100 reviews. [:


	24. Recipe for Disaster

Outside Heaven

Chapter 24

Recipe for Disaster

A chilling silence overtook the living room for the following seconds. The children gaped for those moments at their elders curiously. Jacob and Noah sat on their parents' laps tentatively with wide eyes. Finally, Cecilia broke the silence, "Look, I'm sure they have a good reason for being wherever they are. I know Simon; he wouldn't just up and leave without telling me unless he had a good reason."

Lucy snuffed. "Kevin _has _no good for not telling me what he's up to. I'm pregnant! I can't handle surprises or whatever he's got up his sleeve!" Cecilia, Meredith, Matt, Sarah, and Ruthie all looked at each other.

"Mama!" the boy in Sarah's arms cried. Ruthie's eyes widened; neither of the boys had been uttering words two months ago.

Sarah grunted, "I think someone needs a diaper change." Everyone in the room grunted as the smell lingered throughout the room. Sarah stood up and carried the little boy upstairs.

Matt smiled at the son he held. He looked up at the rest them, "I think that's my cue to leave too." He looked back at his son and cooed, "Isn't that right, Jakey? Do you need changed too soon?" The little boy giggled. Matt followed after his wife upstairs leaving Ruthie alone with Meredith, Cecilia, Lucy, and the children.

"I can't believe Kevin," Lucy snarled.

"Maybe they went over to your house," Meredith suggested. "Did anyone look to see if the car is in the garage?" _I had just assumed they were, _Ruthie realized.

Ruthie shook her head, "No. We just assumed when we pulled in the driveway that the car had been pulled into the garage."

Meredith looked at Cecilia, "Come on, let's go out to the garage and see if the car's there." She stood up motioning Cecilia to follow her. The two disappeared into the kitchen leaving Ruthie alone in the presence of her sister and the children.

"Mommy, hungry!" Savannah cried as she tugged on her mother's hand. Ruthie took note to her own grumbling stomach. She hadn't eaten breakfast at the hospital the morning; she had been too eager to get home.

"I'm hungry too," Erica announced looking at her brother and Sam and David. "Are you all hungry too?"The three boys nodded. Ruthie could tell that Erica was the _leader _out of her brother and cousins for being the only girl of the bunch.

"Aunt Julie is preparing a big meal for us all in the kitchen," Lucy told the kids, "You guys should save your appetites."

"There's nothing wrong with letting them have a snack," Ruthie protested, "Did they eat breakfast?"

"I don't want them to lose their appetites," Lucy asserted briskly. She turned to the kids, "Did you guys eat breakfast?"

"David, Savannah, and I had Cheerios," Sam answered.

"We didn't eat breakfast," Erica pouted, "Mommy said we're going to have a big lunch so we didn't need to eat breakfast."

The doorbell rang. Ruthie looked at Lucy and Lucy at Ruthie. "Well don't look at me," Lucy snarled, "I'm not allowed to move." Ruthie looked at her arms, knowing she couldn't possibly move her arms to answer the door.

"I'll get it!" Erica volunteered springing from the blanket and running over to the door. She grabbed the door handle and flung the door open. Peter stood tall next to his mother and father; he was a good half of a head taller than his father now. Vic held two good-sized wrapped boxes. _Presents?_ Paris held little Emma close to her side; the little girl timidly hid her face in her mother's shoulder. "Hi!" Erica chirped, "Come on in. I'll take the gifts" Erica acted as if she lived there; Ruthie figured she probably had since she and her mother had been in the hospital. The little girl grabbed the boxes and sat them in the corner of the room.

The Petrowski's entered after Erica. Paris smiled over at Ruthie, "I see you made it home, Ruthie. Peter tells me you've made a lot of progress."

Ruthie answered bluntly, "I guess."

"I'm sorry I didn't make it to see you yesterday, Honey," Peter made his way towards Ruthie, "But Mom had to work and Dad had a meeting and the baby-sitter was sick; so I was stuck baby-sitting." _Right, _Ruthie thought. She didn't believe a word he said. Ruthie knew Peter had avoided her yesterday because of their _escape _and Matt's outburst. She bit her tongue as she resisted calling him out on that.

"So, Ruthie, how long will you be mummified?" Vic had to ask. Ruthie grunted; the man could never keep his mouth closed. After having been an alcoholic for years, he had developed a sense of carelessness. Vic didn't care whether he was hurting others feelings. Though, he had gotten better from when he had originally come back into Peter's life. Back then he had been a real bear.

"I don't know," Ruthie replied. Her eyes focused on Peter, "Matt and Sarah gave Dr. Cambridge a piece of his own medicine this morning. Matt says I'm not going back to him. Hah, he said he would remove my casts himself before I went back to him."

Peter's eyes and mouth widened, "Wow. That serves him right. He was a total ass." Vic raised his eyebrows at his son's word choice to describe Dr. Cambridge. "Jerk, Dad. He was a jerk."

"Hey, that's better," Vic smiled, patting his son on his shoulder.

Paris sat down, still holding Emma, next to Ruthie and across from Ruthie. She smiled across to Lucy. "So, how are you doing?" she asked making conversation.

Lucy heaved a sigh placing her hand on her stomach. "Well. I guess I'm as good as I can be for being housebound until my little girl is born." Lucy half smiled towards Emma, who snuggled shyly closer to her mother. "She's getting so big! I think the last time I saw her was…well, Dad's funeral…it's hard to believe that was only two months a little." Her face frowned a little, "It seems like Dad's been gone forever…and now Mom's in a coma." Lucy started to tear up. "I'm sorry," Lucy apologized to Paris, "I'm just really emotional."

Paris frowned, "Aw, Luce, don't apologize. I completely understand. I can't imagine going through what you've gone through the last two months… less pregnant." Ruthie rolled her eyes. _Lucy's such an attention seeker; she only wants everyone else's sympathy. _

"So, how old is Emma now?" Ruthie asked, trying to draw the attention off of Lucy.

"She turned two last week," Paris smiled, setting the timid toddler on her knee as she tried to get her out of her shoulder. Emma began to gaze at Savannah; which Paris took note of. "Emma, this is Savannah. I bet she would like to play with you," Paris cooed at her daughter. Savannah nodded hopefully; it wasn't often she got to play with girls her own age. Lucy sheltered Savannah so much; meaning her only playmates were: Sam, David, Erica, Nolan, Noah, and Jacob. And of course there had been Charlie. Chills entered Ruthie's mind as she remembered that scandal

Ruthie looked up at Peter who still stood by his father in the hallway. "You didn't tell me it was your sister's birthday last week," she accused glaring at him fiendishly.

Peter shrugged looking a little confused, "I didn't? I thought I did. Sorry."

"So," Paris continued looking towards a still sobbing Lucy, "How old is Savannah now?"

Lucy perked up at Paris's interested in her pride and joy. "She will officially be two and a half on the twenty-fourth of this month."

"I wanna play with Emma!" Savannah chirped as she stood up and ran over to Emma. "Hi, I Vannah Kinkirk and my favorite game is _Go Fish! _What you favorite game?" Emma jerked back towards her mother seemingly frightened by Savannah's friendliness.

Paris's eyes widened and her mouth rounded in shock. "Savannah speaks well for only being two and a half. Emma doesn't say more than two word phrases."

"Savannah didn't say much more at that age either," Lucy assured her, "Her speech developed quite rapidly at once…so it will come. Though, I'm sure Kevin's being home with her all the time helped. Plus, she's so used to with playing Sam, David, Erica, and Nolan – older kids."

"Yeah," Paris sighed, "well, Emma plays with older kids at our sitter's house. There's a four and a five year there regularly; mostly kids around her age though. I'm actually surprised by her shyness today. Usually Emma perks right up with other kids."

Lucy shuddered, "I could never send my kid to a sitter! Just think about all the germs they can contract and the bad things they can hear from other children."

"Actually," Paris said slowly, "it's proven that kids in daycare are more immune to diseases and they're sick less when they're older."

Lucy's mouth dropped, but before she could say anything the doorbell rang. "I've got it," Peter volunteered since he was closest to the door. He reached for the door and swung it open. Mac and Margaret stood in the doorway holding a small gift and a card.

"I hope we're not too early," Mac insisted, "Margaret was afraid we would be intruding and all." Margaret nudged him a little as she forced a smile. He took note to Ruthie sitting on the couch, "Ruthie! You're home; it's great to see you!" He let himself in the living room and wrapped his arms around her, "So how are you doing?"

"I'm fine," Ruthie replied slowly and looked around the room, "So, who's all coming today?"

Mac shrugged looking at Margaret and then Peter. None of them said a word as they looked over at Lucy. Lucy's mouth opened, "Don't look at me, nobody tells me a word around here anymore. I don't even know where my own husband is."

Vic shrugged, "Kevin just said the party started at eleven…Peter wanted to get here early to see Ruthie. Heck, knowing this family the whole town will be here." It was true. Knowing this family the whole town would be there. Ruthie remembered one of her father's birthday parties; they had held a surprise birthday party for him and had a band. Literally, the whole town had been there. _Ginger, _Ruthie suddenly remember_, she didn't come to the funeral. _She wondered how Ginger was holding up; it had been three years since her mother's father died now. They hadn't heard much from Ginger since her Grandpa Charles died. _Hopefully she doesn't think because Grandpa's dead she's no longer part of the family, _Ruthie pondered.

Footsteps thudded from the kitchen; moments later Meredith and Cecilia busted in. "The car's gone," Meredith announced breathlessly. She saw Peter and her face lit up, "Peter!" she cried. She ran over to him and wrapped her arms around him. _They're just friends? _Ruthie questioned what Peter had promised her. Ruthie gaped suspiciously at Peter who only shrugged.

"So, you're telling my _husband _and brother have just drove off without telling anyone?" Lucy spat rolling her eyes. "I can't believe those two!"

Voices could be heard from the top of the steps. "I can't believe you did that!" Matt was fuming, presumably at Sarah. _Can't believe she did what? _Ruthie wondered; then she had a hunch. She remembered what Sarah had told her two days ago – Carlos.

"Shhh, we're at the top of the steps, I'm sure whoever is downstairs can hear us," Sarah's voice could be heard. Peter and Meredith both stared at Ruthie; she shrugged, pretending to know nothing. Matt and Sarah's footsteps could be heard as they walked down the stairs. A few moments later they appeared in front of everyone. Each had a boy in their arms. Sarah blushed as she forced an embarrassing smile at the bunch in the living room, "I suppose you all heard that." Everyone in the living room nodded vibrantly.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Matt apologized. He and Sarah set the boys on the floor where they rejoined their cousins and uncles.

"Emmy, you're going to go play with Savannah and her little friends while I go see if Julie needs any help in the kitchen," Paris told her daughter in a sweet, but firm way. She set the two year old on the floor that timidly joined the other kids on the blanket.

"We'll teach you to play _Go Fish!_" Sam exclaimed. Emma put her hand in her mouth and began sucking on it. Paris disappeared into the kitchen. Ruthie looked around the room; Cecilia took Paris's spot next to Ruthie while Meredith remained standing next to Peter. Something about Meredith's closeness to Peter made Ruthie feel very uncomfortable. Her stomach churned to see them near to each other. _They're just friends, _Ruthie assured herself_, He calls me 'Honey', not her. _

"So, where do you think Kevin and Simon are?" Meredith openly asked everyone in the room. Matt scoffed at Sarah who in return gave him a warning glare. Ruthie assumed Sarah had known all along where Kevin and Simon were. Now, she had told Matt and wanted him to keep quiet about it. _There has to be a surprise involved, _Ruthie dreaded_, Carlos is coming with the kids? Is that she surprise? _She pondered.

"When I find out, Kevin can consider himself a dead man," Lucy growled.

"Like I said, I'm sure wherever they are they have a good reason to be where they are," Cecilia insisted. Lucy snuffed her sister-in-law. The door bell rang again and Peter grabbed the doorknob again to answer it. Mrs. Beaker stood plump and peachy holding a big crock pot.

"I hope you don't mind, but I know Mrs. Camden is in the hospital – and I know nobody cooks like her, so I didn't know if you would be hurting for food or not, so I thought I'd pitch in a little," she announced as she handed Peter the crock pot without his offer. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have gifts for the little ones and Ruthie in the car." _Gifts for me? _Ruthie thought_; she shouldn't have. _

Peter grunted looking towards Meredith and Ruthie. "Let's take that to the kitchen," Meredith volunteered.

"I'm coming too," Ruthie stood up, the idea of Meredith and Peter leaving her alone with these mad-people and going off to the kitchen without her turned her stomach upside down.

"Oh, no, Ruthie, you just got home – you should relax. We'll be right back," Meredith insisted. _Who is she playing? _Ruthie wondered.

"I'm fine, we can go hang outside after you drop that crock pot off with Aunt Julie," Ruthie insisted. She moved her eyeballs towards trying to _hint _that she needed to get out of the living room.

Peter seemed to understand what she meant. He nodded, "Come on, Hon, that's a great idea... fresh air is good now that we're not sneaking around the hospital." Ruthie laughed a little. She tagged behind Peter and Meredith towards the kitchen. Behind her, she could hear Lucy grumble about how inconsiderate Mrs. Beaker was to doubt their aunt's abilities.

The smell of the kitchen traveled up Ruthie's nose. Her mouth began to water as she realized how hungry she was becoming. She longed to grab with her hands something to eat; but her hands were still immobile. Paris was standing by Aunt Julie's side helping her arrange another batch of cookies. Rosina had also joined them in the kitchen. Ruthie hadn't seen the Glasses come; she figured Rosina must have come through the back. "Hi Ruthie," Rosina smile. "You look good."

"Thanks," Ruthie smiled weakly.

"Richard had to get something done for the Synagogue," Rosina sighed, "He'll be over here later. Of course we couldn't miss our grandsons' birthday and your homecoming. I wanted to make sure I got over here as early as possible to help Julie with the food."

"Hey guys, who wants a fresh cookie?" Aunt Julie asked as she pointed to the already made chocolate cookies. _Yeah, who's going to feed it to me? _Ruthie wondered.

"Sure," Peter and Meredith each grabbed a cookie. Peter turned to Ruthie, "Do you want one?" Ruthie shrugged. Peter grabbed another cookie and ripped off a piece and put it into her mouse. She chewed its warm delicious sugary goodness and swallowed the gooey chocolate chip bit. Somehow, she had managed to forget how delicious home-made cookies tasted. Aunt Julie's were just as good as her mother's. Peter continued to feed bites into Ruthie's mouth, piece by piece. His face came closer to hers with each bite he gave her. When she swallowed her final bite his nose wiggled against hers to where she felt it. His lips were a paper-clip distance away.

Before she could edge an edge closer, Meredith cried, "Well, let's go outside! I think we all could use some fresh air." She placed one hand on Peter and one on Ruthie, breaking them apart. Ruthie sighed, knowing Meredith had done that on purpose. The three headed outside, sitting in an awkward silence for the following moments. Breaking the silence, the gate swung open. Chandler, Roxanne, and Jeffrey walked through the gate holding packages. Ruthie suddenly remembered they were planning on getting married in August. She wondered if those plans were still intact.

"Ruthie!" Chandler smiled before her wide-eyed. "You look great. We're so glad you're home. The house has been so empty without you." _Right. Empty._ Ruthie thought. _Hello, I've been gone before. I went to Scotland last year. Of course Chandler wasn't around to know that. _Ruthie realized Roxanne no longer wore her cast; her engagement ring glimmered in the sunlight on her finger.

"Thanks, I guess," Ruthie replied. "Uh, everyone's inside. Aunt Julie and Paris are baking cookies." She saw Chandler's eye-brows rise. That was right; Chandler had dated Paris for awhile there. Ruthie glanced over at Peter, noticing the awkwardness in his eyes. Chandler had asked Peter what he thought about him marrying Paris; of course before he had asked her. Then, of course, his dad came back into the picture. Ruthie couldn't imagine how awkward it must be for Peter to be around Chandler. Before Chandler left, Peter had said his mom and Chandler were still friends – Ruthie couldn't imagine how. Then it hit her: Peter had abandoned her. _Are we just friends? _Ruthie wondered. She looked into Peter's twinkling blue eyes as they gazed back at her. Something told her they were more than just friends. She looked over at Meredith; something also told her that Meredith had feelings other than _just friends _for Peter. Maybe she was just jumping to assumptions. There was one reason why she hated having _girl _friends: they stole her boyfriends. This wouldn't be the first time Meredith wanted _her _guy. _There was Martin, _Ruthie remembered. _Martin. I helped her date him… because I was too chicken to admit my attraction to him at the time…if only… _What was she kidding herself? By the time Martin dated Meredith he had already slept with Sandy

_Sandy. _Ruthie shuttered. She wondered if Sandy, Aaron, and this mysterious Jonathan would be making an appearance today. Something told her they would; unless Aaron was sick again. _I hope he's sick again, _Ruthie thought in a cruel way. It was horrible for her to wish a little baby sickness, but she would wish anything to keep that Sandy away.

_Martin, _Ruthie's mind vibrated. He hadn't come to see her at the hospital; why would he bother coming to her homecoming. Then it hit her. She needed to tell him; about T-Bone; about her; She shuttered in remembrance. _I could wait until I get the results, _Ruthie thought_, but that wouldn't be right. _She knew she needed to tell him as soon as possible. If she didn't, more time would lapse and if he was indeed infected, he needed to seek treatment as soon as possible. _I can't tell him if he's not here, _Ruthie thought again_, so it's his fault if he doesn't come. _

"So, I guess we'll go inside," Chandler waved at Ruthie, Meredith, and Peter as he, Roxanne, and Jeffrey continued into the kitchen.

Ruthie inhaled and exhaled the warm July air. Peter glance down at his watch. "It's ten to eleven." he said quietly, "The party's supposed to start in ten minutes." The three looked at each other seeming to all be g the same thing. As the three stood up to go back inside, the gate barged open. Simon entered; his face gleaming with a smile.

"Hey guys!" he greeted them as he walked toward them. "Where is everyone?"

"Where's Kevin?" Ruthie answered a question with a question.

"Where is Sarah?" Simon asked a bit rushed.

"Everyone's been wondering where _you _guys are!" Meredith shrieked. "Where _have _you been?" Her lips were round with shock as her eyes directed towards Simon.

"Lucy's in the living room, right?" Simon asked completely ignoring their shock.

"Simon! You and Kevin disappear without telling anyone; now you just barge in here asking us where everyone is?" Ruthie cried. She demanded, "What are you hiding? I can't handle any surprises. Just tell me."

"Well," he mumbled, he walked back over to the gate and pressed it open. He spoke looking behind the gate, "You guys can come in. It's just Ruthie, Peter, and Meredith out here." He opened the gate further and Kevin, Carlos, and little Charlie walked in. Kevin and Carlos were each holding a little girl. She recognized the girl in Kevin's arm as Crissy; her eyes were no distinctly a deeper color than Jenny's. Also, her hair seemed lighter than Jenny's compared to two months ago. She couldn't help but notice both of the girls' square facial features – features Carlos and Charlie did not have; their faces were more oval. Crissy's eyes had darkened since Ruthie had last seen her; they seemed to have a tint of brown in them. Jenny's remained bright blue. Ruthie's mouth dropped as she looked into Carlos's bright green eyes.

"Sopresa!" Carlos announced. He saw Ruthie and gazed towards her with sad eyes. "I'm so sorry about Mary, Ruthie." His voice quivered a little as awkwardness suddenly filled Ruthie's veins.

"Does she know you're here?" Ruthie whispered.

Carlos shook his head. "No, I told her I was taking the kids to see my parents this weekend in Puerto Rico. I told mi familia to cover for me if she calls."

Ruthie looked down at Charlie; he wore blue jeans and a Spider Man T-shirt. His eyes were covered with sunglasses. "I bet Savannah will be happy to see you," Ruthie smiled at Charlie.

"Vannah!" Charlie cried jumping up and down. He tugged on his dad's shirt, "I want to go see Vannah!"

Carlos raised his eyebrow sighing, "From the way Sarah talked, Lucy won't be happy to see me."

"Lucy will get over it," Kevin butted in. "You're always welcome here, Carlos. No matter what Mary says or does. You're family." Carlos smiled, seeming touched by Kevin's words. Kevin turned to Ruthie, Peter, and Meredith. "Now, will you guys go get Sarah? Don't tell them we're back yet. We want to surprise everyone."

"Is that a good idea?" Ruthie rolled her eyes.

"Just do it, okay, Ruthie?" Simon pleaded with his sister.

Ruthie signed turning towards Peter and Meredith. They went back through the backdoor and the fresh food filled their noses again. Chandler and Roxanne were still standing in the kitchen looking as though they were helping Rosina, Paris, and Aunt Julie. Two round cakes laid on the table now. Ruthie looked over them. The first read: _Happy 1__st__ Birthday Jacob & Noah! _Her eyes focused over at the second one. It read: _Welcome home Ruthie! _Ruthie's heart skipped a beat; she got a cake. Now she really felt as though she was intruding in on Jacob and Noah's birthday.

"Well, it looks like everything is finally ready," Aunt Julie sighed. She turned to the teenagers, "From the way it sounds, a lot of people are in the living room We're going to move the party outside. In fact, Paris and I were just about to start carrying some tables outside to place food on, but we can't lift them on our own."

"You know what, I bet Vic could help us," Paris suggested. "Peter, why don't you go get your father from the living room?"

"Uhh… no," Peter replied standing in front of the door preventing them from going out.

"Excuse me?" Paris questioned her son who'd just said _no _to her. Peter gazed over at Ruthie and Meredith. They nodded, understanding where he was going. The two girls headed into the living room hoping to encounter Matt and Sarah. _He said Sarah, _Ruthie remembered_, but he doesn't know Matt knows. _

The living room was crowded. Lucy was sitting up on the couch next to Gwen and George Smith. Cecilia still sat across from her parents and Lucy; next to her sat Mrs. Beaker and Mrs. Bink. Ruthie's eyes widened at Mrs. Bink; Ruthie was surprised to see the elderly woman in their living room. She had lost weight since Ruthie had last seen her. A walker stood in front the couch; Ruthie assumed it belonged to her.

"Ruthie, my dear," Mrs. Bink noticed Ruthie's entry. "I knew you were a strong girl like me." Ruthie smiled at the elderly woman. "I'm sure you'll live a long life just like yours truly." _Long life, _Ruthie took note to those words_, if only she knew I might have HIV. _Ruthie's heart sunk with false hope.

The kids were still lying on the blanket. Emma seemed to be acting as if she saw Savannah and the other kids every day. She had become _one of them. _Matt was standing in the corner of the room with his arms crossed; Sarah was sitting on the floor with the little ones. Matt grabbed should gently. "What's going on?" he asked.

Ruthie looked at Meredith and she whispered to her brother unheard by the others in the room, "Kevin and Simon are back." Matt glared over at his wife who took the hint. She stood up and headed over towards them. Matt whispered in her ear and she nodded.

They started heading back towards the kitchen. "Aunt Julie wants to move the party outside," Ruthie told them. "So, yeah, we have to get back there quickly."

As they went back into the kitchen Paris was scolding Peter, "Look, I don't know what you're hiding out there. But, really, more guests are going to be arriving any minute and there's not enough room in this house!"

"Why, Matt and Sarah. There you are. Where are my grandsons?" Rosina took notice to Matt, Sarah, Meredith, and Ruthie's entry.

"Just one second," Sarah smiled ignoring her mother as she and Matt went through the backdoor. Ruthie remained in the kitchen next to Meredith. Peter moved away from the door leaving an opening. He edged closer to Ruthie and Meredith.

"Okay guys, what's going on?" Aunt Julie turned towards Ruthie, Meredith, and Peter. Peter and Meredith looked at each other and then Ruthie and shrugged.

"Just wait," Peter told everyone. Roxanne, Chandler, Julie, Rosina, and Paris exchanged confused looks as they all waited. A few moments later the door swung open. Kevin and Simon entered smiling as if nothing was going on.

"Kevin! Simon!" Julie gasped. "Where have you two been?"

Kevin opened the door wide and answered, "We had to go pick someone up at the airport.' Julie's eyebrows raised as everyone's eyes waited patiently at the door. Carlos entered the kitchen smiling holding Jenny. Matt, Sarah, and Charlie followed. Sarah was holding Crissy.

"Carlos!" Julie cried as she wrapped around her arm around her nephew-in-law. "It's such a delight to see you again. How's Mary holding up? I don't suppose she came with you."

Carlos shook his head. "No, she didn't. It's nice to see you all again too. I'm sorry we ran off like we did, but you know Mary." Julie nodded solemnly looking at her feet.

"Well. I'm sure everyone else will be delighted to see you. Now, we were just about to take this party outside – I take it this is the surprise Peter didn't want me to run into prematurely," Paris smiled nodding at her son who nodded admitting so. Paris kindly asked her son, "Now will you go ask your father to help us carry these tables outside?"

"I'll help," Carlos volunteered.

"That's kind of you, Carlos," Julie smiled. "But you're a guest, and you've surely just had a long fight. Go relax a little. Vic can help us."

"I'll help too," Kevin, Matt, and Simon volunteered at the same time. Just as they spoke a loud beeping sound went off from Matt's pocket.

"Seriously, Matt?" Sarah gave her husband a disgusted look. "I turned off my beeper, you said you would too."

"I was going to… but…"

"… I don't want to hear your excuse!" Sarah spat. "Turn off the beeper. It's your sons' birthday and your sister's homecoming. You are _not _going into work no matter what." She gazed over at her mother who nodded showing agreement with her daughter.

Matt pulled the beeper out of his pocket. "It's Uncle Hastings," he said looking at Julie.

Julie sighed, "Hank wanted to be here, but because Matt took the day off and the other OB-GYN on the floor is on vacation, Hank's covering all expectant mothers today."

Matt looked apologetically at his wife. "I have to take this." He pressed _talk _on his beeper. "Hello" … "Hi, Uncle Hastings" … "I see" … "She's not supposed to be due for another two weeks! Can't you stop the labor?" … "Oh" … "I know I promised her" … "But…" … "Okay, I'll be there in a bit." He sighed and hung up the beeper only to be bombarded by Sarah and Rosina's evil glares. "I'm so sorry, but Laura Shuler went into labor and I promised her I'd be there to deliver her baby. She won't let Hank deliver the baby. I'm so sorry."

"You're saying this Laura Shuler is more important than your own _sons_; more important than _me_?" Sarah spat at her husband bitterly. She handed Meredith the little girl and crossed her arms. "If you go, you will be paying for quite some time."

"Does that mean…?" Matt asked worriedly. Sarah nodded viciously. He sighed. "I'm sorry Sarah. I guess I'll have to take that risk. I can't break a promise."

"But you can miss your sons' first birthday, right," Sarah rolled her eyes. "I see where your priorities lie."

Matt sighed, "I'm sorry. I have to go." He bent over to give her a kiss but she jerked away. When she said he would be paying, she meant it. Matt heaved a deep sigh and walked through the back door.

Sarah stared at her mother, "I can't believe he left." A tear started to roll down Sarah's face. Ruthie hadn't ever seen her cry before. Rosina wrapped her arm around her daughter. "I can't… believe… he… left."

"There, there," Rosina told her daughter. "We'll still have a great party; with or without Matt."

Ruthie looked over at Carlos, "Are you ready to go surprise everyone else in the living room?" Ruthie smiled sarcastically.

He shrugged, "I guess now is as good as any."

"Vannah!" Charlie cried eagerly of his cousin. Ruthie, Peter, and Meredith – still holding Crissy led Carlos and Charlie into the living room slowly. So many people were crowded in the living room it was hard to make it through to the center.

"I've got an idea," Peter whispered as he put his fingers in his mouth and let out a loud whistle. Ruthie's jaw dropped, she didn't know Peter could do that. She had always wished she could. Heads turned toward them. Half of the people Ruthie swore she didn't know; but she figured they went to their church. "Everyone outside!" Peter yelled pointing towards the backyard. Immediately, everyone started crowding around them and to the outside. Ruthie could bet that a least half of them didn't even _know _their family; they had only come for the free food.

"Snooky!" a familiar voice cried. Ruthie flipped around to see him. _Robbie. _Her heart leaped with excitement. "How are you doing, Snook?" he grinned widely.

"I'm doing fine, thanks, did you bring Patty Mary and the baby?" she asked hopefully.

"Oh yeah, Patty Mary went upstairs to change them," Robbie grinned, "he's sure growing fast."

"I bet," Ruthie smiled, "I can't wait to see him." A loud scream sounded.

"What are _you _doing here?" Lucy was spitting over at Carlos having noticed him. "I don't suppose you brought my no good of a sister along with you."

"N-No, she's in New York still, it's just me and the kids," Carlos stuttered.

Lucy rolled her eyes. "You went right along with Mary. You let her ditch Ruthie. You know, Ruthie could have died. But, no, Mary doesn't care! She could care less if her whole family blew up in a car crash." Lucy's face was bright red as she as she fumed about her sister. "You know, I now wish you would have brought that trash with you. I'd love to give her a piece of my mind face to face." Carlos glared over at Ruthie, Peter, and Meredith nervously. Charlie, oblivious his aunt's insanity, noticed Savannah still sitting with Emma, Jacob, and Noah on the floor. The older children were gone; Ruthie figured they must have followed the crowd outside.

"Vannah!" Charlie cried as she ran over and hugged Savannah

"Cuzzy! Yay!" Savannah cried in excitement to see her cousin.

"Get your kid away from my precious Savannah!" Lucy cried reaching for Savannah. She picked her up and placed her on her lap. Ruthie's lips rounded in shock.

Savannah began bawling, "Cuzzy!" Tears started rolling down Charlie's eyes too. Jacob, Noah, and Emma also began crying – frightened by Lucy's insanity.

Kevin walked in just at that time. His eyes widened in fright, "Lucy! You know you're not supposed to be lifting Savannah!"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. Everything's fine… can't you s…ow!" She dropped Savannah who landed on her butt on the carpet and began bawling harder. Lucy grabbed her stomach and screamed. _Shit, _Ruthie's heart dropped.

Kevin raced over to his wife in a panic. "Someone call an ambulance!"

* * *

**Author's Note: **

I guess I should tell everyone: (I've told some of you via PM), The new story I started _Destiny_ is going to end up being a sequel to this (Well, a spin-off sequel). It won't be continued until this is finished.


	25. Jealousy

Outside Heaven

Chapter 25

Jealousy

A rush of panic traveled through the living room. Kevin grabbed his wife's hand as she continued to let out agonizing screams. "Call an ambulance!" he yelled again in a panic wrapping his arm around his wife trying to comfort her. Meredith, Peter, Ruthie, Carlos, Robbie, and Cecilia – who remained in the room – stared back and forth at each other. Carlos handed Jenny to Peter and reached for his crying son.

Cecilia, still sitting where she did earlier, reached for the phone rapidly. She pressed her fingers against the dial pad and dialed _9-1-1. _"Yes, there's a pregnant woman who might be going into premature labor" … "She's almost twenty-eight weeks" … Cecilia covered the mouth piece and whispered, "What is the address here?"

"527… Alda … Road …," Lucy forced out. "Ow!" She gripped her stomach tighter. "My baby! Please save her!" Tears were streaming down her round face; Kevin stroked her hair trying to calm her.

"The baby's going to be fine," Kevin soothed his wife. "Everything is going to be okay." She pushed her face into his shoulder and he continued to cling to her tightly trying to calm her down.

"527 Alda Road" … "Yeah, the Glen Oak Community Church's sanctuary" … "Thanks, bye." She looked up, "The ambulance is on its way." The living room was packed again; Lucy's shrieks had been heard from the kitchen and outside. Aunt Julie had made her way through the crowd to Lucy.

"Luce, what happened?_!_" she cried. Rosina and Sarah stood behind Julie. Sarah's eyes were blood-shot red from her tears. Her mouth dropped when she saw Jacob and Noah bawling on the floor. Quickly, she reached for one of the boys; Rosina grabbed her other grandson. Paris pushed through the crowd moments later reaching for a tearful Emma.

Simon pushed through the crowd towards his wife and sister. He cried, "What is going on?_!_" He saw his niece on the ground and bent down to pick her up. Savannah's tears continued to roll as Simon tried to comfort her.

Kevin sighed glaring at his agonized wife. "Lucy picked up Savannah, and now I think she has gone into labor."

Carlos sighed looking solemnly towards Sarah, "I told you this was a bad idea."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "I see how this is. This is naturally all my fault. All I was trying to do is bring this family back together after all that has happened. I thought it would be good for Savannah and Charlie to see each other again. I'm sorry for thinking about others other than myself." She took her son out of her mother's arms and ran up the stairs with both boys. Ruthie's eyes widened_, what has gotten into her? _She met eyes with Rosina who seemed to be thinking the same thing. Kevin and Cecilia both gaped at Rosina as well.

Patty Mary was heading down the stairs holding little Camden as Sarah was running up the steps. She gave Sarah a look of confusion and continued down the stairs to meet up with her husband. Camden was dressed in a red jumper. His hair was still coal black; just like his father's; his coal black eyes twinkled with the light bouncing off of them.

"What is going on?" Patty Mary demanded in confusion.

"Don't look at me," Rosina shrugged irritably, "I don't know what's going on with my daughter. She won't even talk to me anymore."

"Not her! I heard screaming – unless that was Sarah," Patty Mary indicated looking very lost with the situation at hand.

"I heard there's a woman going into premature labor in here!" a voice called from behind the crowd of people. Ruthie flipped around to see a tall handsome dark haired man make his way through the crowd. "Doctor coming through!" he announced. Ruthie's mouth opened as she drooled a little. Then she saw her; _Sandy_. She stood a few feet behind the man who claimed to be a doctor. She held a year and a half year old Aaron in her arms; he was dressed in blue overalls. Ruthie found herself scoping the room for Martin, but she didn't see him.

"Jonathan!" Lucy cried. _She knows this man? _Ruthie pondered suspiciously. Then she remembered _Jonathan. _Martin had told her_, "She's engaged to a doctor named Jonathan." _Ruthie's mouth dropped. _This was the notorious Jonathan! _She felt like she could faint; how did Sandy always get the good guys? Ruthie sulked with jealousy.

"I called the ambulance," Cecilia told Jonathan.

Lucy's face suddenly turned green. "I-I think…_ow_...I'm wet! I think my water broke!"

"Crap," Ruthie heard Jonathan murmur. "Okay Lucy, you need to relax for the sake of the baby. You're almost at twenty-eight weeks of gestation. Your baby can survive, but you need to relax. The calmer you are better off you will be."

"Where is Matt?" Lucy cried. "I need Matt. He was here with me when Savannah tried to come out prematurely and he was here when she was born. I need Matt."

Kevin glanced at Simon and sighed. "Matt got called into work. A patient of his went into labor and wouldn't let any other doctor deliver the baby."

_"What?" _Lucy gasped. "I can't believe he would just leave his sons' birthday party!"

"Lucy, relax." Jonathan told her firmly, "Everything is going to be fine. The baby will be fine. You will be fine. All you need to do is relax." He inhaled and exhaled deeply. "Breathe Lucy, breathe." She mimicked his breathing.

The living room was packed, which didn't help matters. There was no hope in getting all of the people to leave, either. Ruthie scoped the room out looking for other familiar faces. In the distance, she saw one. Her dark hair seemed to have grown since Ruthie had seen her two months ago. She wore a pink sparkle shirt and blue jeans. Ruthie inched closer through the crowd to get closer to her.

"Lynn?" she whispered. Ruthie was in shock to see a Hamilton again. They had gone all those years without seeing each other, now she had seen Lynn twice in the last year.

"Ruthie! I have been looking everywhere for you!" Lynn cried. "I can't believe this happened to you. I wanted to come back sooner, but my parents told me there was no point in coming back with you in the hospital and all; that I should wait until you come home – and here you are!"

"Did your family come back with you?" Ruthie looked around for traces of other Hamilton's.

Lynn shook her head. "My dad couldn't leave his church again. He could not find a fill-in minister. John and Keisha did not want to travel with the little ones again; so it is just Nigel and me here now. Nigel's around here somewhere in this crowd. I can't believe all these people are here! Do you know them all?"

Ruthie laughed, "No, I think they just came for the food, but of course the attention has all been directed at Lucy now."

Lynn's mouth rounded. "It's terrible that this is happening to her!" she exclaimed dismayingly, "especially at your homecoming and nephews' birthdays. Where are the little guys by the way? I haven't seen them at all."

"Sarah ran upstairs with them. She's acting really…weird," Ruthie told Lynn. "She started crying when Matt got called into work. Then she freaked out a little bit ago as well…she's almost acting like Lucy. Maybe she's been hanging around Lucy for too long." Ruthie shuddered.

"Hmm… that is odd, the little time I spent with her last May she definitely didn't pass off as the _emotional _type to me." Lynn commented. Her eyebrows raised and she added suspiciously, "Keisha acted like that when she was pregnant with Nevaeh. Maybe she's pregnant?" Ruthie's eyes widened. That thought hadn't crossed her mind. She knew a couple months ago Sarah had been talking about having another baby frequently. With all that had been going on recently, one might have thought she would have changed her mind. _How could she and Matt possibly have time to make another baby with all that has been going on? _Ruthie wondered. Then she remembered they had gone back to New York shortly after the accident. They had been alone. Ruthie's mouth opened at the thought of another baby being brought into this hell-hole. All anyone could hope for would be that Matt and Sarah moved out on their own as soon as possible. They needed to be as far away from Lucy as possible. Maybe moving back to Glen Oak hadn't been in their best interest at this point and time.

Moments later paramedics carrying a stretcher entered the building. "Make way!" one called. "Where is the pregnant woman going into premature labor?" People pointed towards the couch. The paramedics made their way through the crowd and stood in the sitting area. They started moving towards Cecilia. "Okay, let's get her on the stretcher," the guy said to the other paramedic.

"Lie down and we will place the stretcher under you," the paramedic told Cecilia.

"Wait!" Cecilia cried. "I'm not going into premature labor! Lucy is." Cecilia pointed over at Lucy. Lucy continued screaming; one would have thought they would have taken the hint.

The paramedic widened his eyes, "My apologies." The two headed over towards Lucy and began mounting her onto the stretcher. She was carried out of the house seconds later. Kevin and Jonathan both went along with her for support.

After the paramedics disappeared, everyone stood around in an awkward silence. Ruthie chose to break away from the crowd and head out back. She needed air; she needed to get away from the madness. This _party _had turned into utter chaos. It was all because of Lucy; Lucy ruined everything – always. _If it hadn't been for Lucy I wouldn't have gotten in the accident, _Ruthie looked down at her arms. _If it hadn't been for Lucy I'd still be pregnant. _She gulped.

The backdoor was already propped open; Ruthie assumed Aunt Julie had done that when she was preparing to take tables outside. Ruthie walked into the backyard and was bombarded with warm air; and then her heart stopped. There he was. He sat on the bench in the short distance all by himself. She froze for the following moments until he looked up and saw her. First, he glanced away but then he looked back. His eyes met hers and her heart started to flutter again.

They seemed to stare at each other for the following moments. Finally, she whispered, "Martin."

"Ruthie," he replied back. She motioned closer to him and found herself sitting on the bench next to him. She looked into his dazzling green eyes as she waited for him to say something, but he didn't. She asked, "Why are you sitting out here all alone?"

Martin let out a sigh, "Let's just say it's … awkward … seeing your son with another man." He took a breath and changed the subject. Obviously, he felt uncomfortable talking about Jonathan. "Ruthie," he started, "about me not visiting you in the hospital… I'm sorry. I was going to, but then…I found myself too angry to face you. I didn't want to say anything I was going to regret later… especially while you were recovering."

"About?" she whispered.

"You were pregnant. You were going to frame me as the father, weren't you?" he accused.

Ruthie closed her eyes. "You have no idea how badly I wanted that baby to be yours," she whispered. "I loved you, Martin."

"Was that before or after T-Bone died? Did you want me to be the father because I was alive or because you really loved me? I find it funny you wanted nothing to do with me when I offered you my love a couple weeks earlier," he threw at her.

Ruthie closed her eyes. "No," she whispered. "I wanted to stay with T-Bone because I have his name tattooed on my back and because we had been together. I never loved him; not like I loved you. I only used him because I was desperate for attachment, then I was stuck with him."

"I can't help but notice you're using past tense," Martin commented. "Don't you love me any longer?" His eyes gazed into hers and her heart began to beat faster. She found herself leaning closer to him until their lips touched. His warm soft lips pressed against hers. Her eyes closed and forcibly she pulled her lips off of his. "What?" Martin asked.

"Are you mad?" Ruthie spat. "You didn't even come and see me while I was in my time of need! Now you want to act like nothing happened?" She rolled her eyes, scooting away from him.

"I'm sorry, Ruthie, I was out of line," he admitted. "I wanted to come see you…but after I found out about the baby I was furious, like I said – I didn't want to have any regrets; now my only regret is not visiting you. I made myself busy. Ruthie today is the first day I've even been in Glen Oak since the end of May. I've been on a traveling baseball team."

"Right, so I've been told," Ruthie rolled her eyes. She sighed, knowing she had to tell him about T-Bone and her and the disease they may have shared. Ruthie choked, "I need to tell you something."

As she spoke, the backdoor swung open. "There you are Ruthie!" Peter cried. His eyes turned vicious when he saw Martin sitting next to her. "What are you doing out here with _him_?" Peter spat.

"Ruthie just told me she has to tell me something," Martin said turning to Ruthie. "What do you need to tell me, Ruthie?"

"Ruthie, what are you thinking? He didn't even come and see you while you were in the hospital! How can you possibly forgive him? Ruthie, I've been there for you practically every day since you have woken up!" Peter cried. He sat on the other side of her and wrapped his arm around her. "You can't possibly want anything to do with…"

"Oh. I see how this is," Martin whispered. "You want to tell me that you're going back with Peter." His eyes sulked. "I understand. After all, you're childhood friends. You belong together."

"No!" Ruthie shot. She turned to Peter, "I need to talk to Martin _alone _about something personal. It's just between the two of us. Please, Peter." She curled her lip and begged for him to leave them alone. Peter knew that T-Bone had HIV, but he didn't know that Ruthie had been with Martin. Nobody knew that she knew of. Ruthie shuddered inside at the thought of anyone finding out.

Peter sighed, "Okay. I guess." He leaned over and his lips pressed against hers. Ruthie's eyes widened; she hadn't seen that coming. He pulled away, "I'll respect your privacy. Ruthie, remember this: I care about you." He left the two alone on the bench.

She turned to Martin heaving a sigh. "So, you two are together?" Martin assumed.

Ruthie shook her head, "I don't know, Martin. I don't know anything anymore." She closed her eyes and sighed deeper. "All I know is: I need to tell you something. It's a life or death matter."

His eyes widened, "That sounds serious. I don't know what could possibly be that serious." His face showed deep confusion as Ruthie began to choke up.

Tears started rolling down her cheeks. "Martin," she mouthed. "T-Bone … had … HIV … which means …" she started crying.

"WHAT?" Martin shot at her. "That means…you and me…if T-Bone had HIV, then…" his face squished up and he jerked away from her. "I can't believe you! You slut! I hate you! God, you deserve to die."

"If I die, so will you," Ruthie replied coldly. "I can't believe you would even say that! Martin this is serious! I didn't know, God, I swear. I _didn't _know! I would never intentionally do this to you Martin. I loved you."

Tears had watered up in Martin's eyes. Ruthie had never seen him cry before and couldn't believe her eyes. He placed his head in his hands. "Fuck, I deserve this," he whimpered. Ruthie had never heard him swear before; but she didn't blame him. She swore mentally.

"Martin, I'm sorry," she whispered. "I should have never seduced you. It was selfish of me, I wasn't thinking about anyone but myself. I'll understand if you never want to talk to me again."

"Fuck Ruthie, it's too late now. Damn, you have no idea how badly I hate you right now. But I hate that bastard T-Bone more!" Martin shot. "God must really hate me right about now; first he had Sandy fuck up my life, and now this. My life is over."

"Martin," she whispered, "I haven't got my test results back, there _is_ still a chance that I don't have it…maybe he contracted it afterward, you know. Maybe he was cheating on me. I just wanted to warn you…you had the right to know."

"Ruthie. We have it. I can feel it in my bones." He stood up and started making his way towards the gate. "Do me a favor Ruthie Camden; don't ever talk to me again." He was gone. She should have seen that coming.

She sat there alone on the bench for the following moments. The backyard remained empty. She assumed people had left because of all the chaos. All of the hard work would go to waste. The door still remained open, Ruthie waited for someone to come for her; she couldn't face them with her tears. Today had turn into living hell; mentally she wished herself dead. Martin hated her guts; Peter was madly in love with her but would eventually end up stolen by Meredith once her HIV was official; Lucy was at the hospital giving birth to a baby at nearly twenty-eight weeks of gestation; Matt had abandoned his family for his work; Sarah was on a hormonal rage; that left Simon and Cecilia – the only remaining sane members of her immediate family. _If only we could go to London now, _Ruthie thought to herself. How she longed to be away from the madness.

Through her moist eyes, Ruthie saw a familiar white furry creature walk through the backdoor. _Happy. _Ruthie had seemingly forgotten about Happy. Happy seemed to be smiling; just as she had that first day their mother had brought her from the pound.

_-Flashback-_

_ "Can I name her?" four-year-old Ruthie Camden pleaded with her older brother, Simon, as they sat on the front lawn with their new white fluffy dog._

_ "Sure," Simon shrugged. "What do you want to name her?"_

_ "She's always smiling, so I think we should name her Happy!" the little girl chirped._

_ "Yeah!" Simon lit up in agreement with his little sister. He ruffled the dog's fur and smiled, "Hi Happy!" _

_ The dog let out a, "Ruff."_

_ "See, she already knows her name!" Simon laughed._

_ "Of course she does," Ruthie giggled. "She's _Happy._" Ruthie petted Happy._

_ Moments later, Matt came running from the house. He squatted down with them and ruffled Happy's fur, "Hey girl, how you doin'?" _

_ "Isn't Happy cute?" Simon asked placing his hand on Happy. _

_ "That's what you named her? Happy?" Matt questioned their new dog's name._

_ "I named her!" Ruthie chirped proudly._

_ "Ooh," Matt smiled looking impressively at his younger sister.  
_

_ "Only because I let you name her!" Simon indicated._

_ "Hey, uh, Ruthie you wanna get Happy a cookie?" Matt asked his little sister. Ruthie jumped up excitedly and ran into the house to get their new pet a treat. _

_-End Flashback- _

Ruthie sighed. She missed being a kid. When you were a kid there seemed to be nothing to fear. Life was all fun and games. Then when you got older reality set in. At the tender age of four, Ruthie never even thought about the future. Life was set in the present; life consisted of: eating, sleeping, and playing. If only the clock could turn backwards.

Happy walked over towards the bench and rolled over on her back. Ruthie sighed; remembering that same day Happy had come home. She remembered when Simon and she were trying to see if Happy knew any tricks. Ruthie found herself smiling thinking about when she had rolled over trying to get Happy to do the same.

_"Wow, he's a genius!" _Simon had cried in response to Happy's rolling over. Ruthie stood up with her hands on her hips giving Simon a stern look. _"What?" _Simon had asked. _"You're not a genius." _

_ "Yes I am!" _Ruthie had continued to insist.

She sighed now, many years had passed. _A genius wouldn't be facing a life sentence, _Ruthie thought to herself. Ruthie rubbed Happy's belly with her toes, since she couldn't with her hands. She closed her eyes just wishing she could have a do-over in life.

Peter came through the backdoor holding a phone. "I see he left," Peter muttered then continued, "You have a phone call, Ruthie." Her heart began racing_, who would be calling me? _

Peter pressed the phone receiver against her ear so she could hear. "Hello?" she asked.

"Ruthie?" a familiar voice asked; it was Nurse Ellie.

"Yes, this is she," Ruthie responded nervously.

"This is Nurse Ellie. How is being home treating you?"

"Oh just fine," she lied, "I'm definitely having a blast being free again."

"That's good. Don't use up too much energy, though. Hopefully you're spending some time relaxing also," Nurse Ellie told her.

"Oh, I'm relaxing plenty," Ruthie assured her.

"Anyway," Nurse Ellie continued, "I am calling to tell you your test results are in." Ruthie's throat clotted up knowing which test results she was referring to.

* * *

**Author's Note: **It's a short chapter, but a lot happened. Don't forget to review!

**Credits: **_Flashback – "Anything You Want; Season 1, Episode 1" _

_By the way, the first part of the flash back I made up… just a note_


	26. Parenthood

Outside Heaven

Chapter 26

Parenthood

Her heart raced rapidly as she waited for the person on the phone to tell her the results. Her muscles were tense with anxiety. She took a deep breath as she heard, "Congratulations Ruthie, you're clean. You don't have HIV." Her muscles relieved themselves at once and her heart began beating normally again.

"T-Thank you!" Ruthie cried in shock and relief.

"You're welcome, have a nice day, Ruthie. I'm going to miss seeing you around here," Nurse Ellie told her and she hung up. Ruthie's heart sunk_, and I just told Martin… and he hates me. _If she had just held off a few minutes, Martin wouldn't have ever had to know. Ruthie choked up as she looked up at a curious looking Peter. He was waiting.

"I'm clean," Ruthie whispered. "I don't have HIV." _That bastard T-Bone, _Ruthie's thoughts screamed. She assumed immediately he had been cheating on her and contracted it after they had been together. _Who was he cheating on me with? _Ruthie wondered. She wanted to know; but she had a feeling she might never find out.

"That's great!" Peter exclaimed and he wrapped his arms around her. Warmth filled Ruthie's body as she was held in and protected by Peter's arms.

She opened her mouth to tell Peter that she had told Martin, but then she remembered Peter didn't know. Peter couldn't know that she had been with Martin. Nobody could know. Ruthie's eyes focused in on her arms; she couldn't call him to tell him the good news.

"Is the living room still crowded?" she asked Peter. She wanted to spread the good news to her _family_ and others who knew. She didn't need the rest of Glen Oak knowing that T-Bone had had a sexually transmitted disease – providing they didn't already know.

"Most of the neighbors and strangers have left since everyone was pretty much standing around in shock. Chandler, Roxanne, Lynn, Nigel, Robbie, Patty Mary, Sarah's parents, and my parents are still there – Rabbi Glass arrived right after the ambulance left," Peter informed Ruthie.

"And Sarah?" Ruthie asked curiously.

"She's still upstairs," Peter shrugged. "Rabbi Glass and Mrs. Glass have been arguing over whether or not someone should go up and talk to her. Rabbi Glass thinks he should; Mrs. Glass says he shouldn't." _Fascinating, _Ruthie thought sarcastically.

"I take it there hasn't been any word on Lucy," Ruthie stated. Peter shook his head solemnly. Peter and Ruthie made their way into the house. The kitchen hadn't been altered since Ruthie had been in there last. Two cakes still sat untouched on the table and the smell of fresh food still lingered through the air. _All of this food can't go to waste, _Ruthie gazed around at her aunt's hard work. Her stomach began to churn as she realized she still hadn't eaten that day.

The living room crowd had definitely died down; though it was still remotely full. Mac and Margaret still hung around – Peter had seemingly forgotten to mention them. They sat on the couch with their backs facing Ruthie. Mac held one arm around Margaret. Across from them, where Lucy had sat, were Simon, Cecilia, and Aunt Julie. The three of them wore concerned faces.

Savannah, Emma, and Charlie were obviously over their tears. They were lying on the floor with Sam, David, Erica, and Nolan again playing _Go Fish! _again. Emma seemed to be getting the hang of it; as Ruthie entered the room she heard the little girl chirp, "Go fish!" and she giggled.

Aaron, Crissy, and Jenny, who were too young to be occupied by a game of _Go Fish! _were being occupied by Lynn. Ruthie was impressed with how well Lynn was with them. She seemed to be really good with little ones.

Nigel, Paris, Vic, Chandler, Roxanne, Rosina, Richard, Robbie, Patty Mary with Camden, Meredith, Carlos, and _Sandy_ stood around the living room. "Come on," Rabbi Glass was pleading with his wife. "She'll talk to me, I'm her father."

"No, Richard. You won't go up there. If she wanted to talk to you, she would come down here and talk to you," Rosina sternly told her husband.

Aunt Julie's eyes rose when she saw Ruthie enter the room. "There you are Ruthie. Peter said you were outside and wanted to be left alone. Why is that?"

Ruthie shook her head and closed her eyes, "I just needed a breather. That's all." She bit her lip; she didn't want to announce her test results right here and now. _Who knows? Who doesn't? _she wondered to herself. If Sandy didn't know, she didn't want her to know. _Martin wouldn't tell her; would he? _She wondered. Surely he wouldn't want the whole world to know they had slept together. _If Sandy finds out, Lucy will know, _Ruthie's stomach turned upside down as the thought of the whole world knowing she was a slut. _Lucy is the whole world, _Ruthie realized. Once Lucy knew, the whole world knew – seeing as Lucy was the last to know everything.

She heard footsteps coming from the stairway and quickly glanced over. Sarah was creeping down the stairs with Jacob and Noah. Ruthie found herself looking at her sister-in-law from head to toe. She looked pale; paler than normal. Her bushy curly hair had been pulled up in a hair tie since she had gone upstairs – Ruthie couldn't recall a time having seen Sarah with her hair up. Her black blouse was a little baggy as it covered up half way down her hips. Ruthie realized she wasn't the only one in the room gazing over towards the steps; everyone in the room was.

Sarah took note to the gazes of eyes on her. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," she stated.

"Oh no, we're just standing around here looking at each other in shock," Vic assured her.

"I was just going to come down and get the boys some food – they're starving," Sarah told them all hesitantly.

"So am I!" Mac stood up. Margaret slapped him a little on the hand. He sighed and looked over at Aunt Julie. "Mrs. Hastings, I don't suppose it would be alright if we had something to eat. I mean, you have cooked all that food… I … uh, don't want to be imposing. But I would hate to see all of your hard work go to waste."

Rosina was gazing at her daughter with a concerned look. "Are you alright Sarah? You look incredibly pale." She inched closer to her daughter and placed her hand on her daughter's forehead. "You're warm. I think you have a fever. Maybe you should go lie down, your dad and I will take the boys." She reached for one of the boys, taking him out of Sarah's arms.

"I'm fine," Sarah snapped. "I'm just hungry... seeing as it's almost two and we were supposed to eat at like eleven." Ruthie made eye contact with her sister-in-law; her brown eyes seemed to be glazed over – as though she could faint.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Rabbi Glass asked his daughter. "You really don't look well."

"Dad, I'm a doctor, I think I know how to take care of myself. Don't worry about me. I'm not a child anymore." Sarah snapped. _When does a parent stop worrying about their child? _Death? Parenthood was like a marriage itself. _Until death do us part. _There weren't parental vows. Though if there were, surely, _"Until death do us part" _would be part of them. A parent never stopped being a parent – even when a child grew up and was on their own. _That doesn't give them the right to dictate their adult children's life… does it? _The question pondered Ruthie heavily as she thought about how her parents had tried to dictate their lives on more than one occasion – starting with their sex lives; which had obviously failed.

Aunt Julie let out a sigh. "Mac's right. The food definitely shouldn't go to waste – let's all go eat."

"In the meantime," Sandy added, "we should continue to pray for Lucy." _Of course we should, _Ruthie mocked. _Miss Goody Too Shoes. _Sandy's sudden _religious _image disgusted Ruthie. _Obviously she only wants to be Lucy, _Ruthie rolled her eyes. Lucy had everything – a hot, kind, respectful husband; the community's backing; a beautiful daughter; and on top of that: everyone's attention. What wasn't there for Sandy to want? Naturally, by becoming a minister she would obtain all of that. Ruthie envied Sandy. _Maybe I should become a minister, _Ruthie laughed to herself_; then everything would go my way. _The thought that her sister was giving birth to a premature baby at that moment didn't even cross her mind.

They crowded into the kitchen and soon everyone began filling their plates full. Peter had instructed Ruthie to relax in the dining room and wait for him. She took a seat at the end of the table; where her father used to sit. Aunt Julie had instructed everyone to cram their plates as full as possible – the less leftovers the better; seeing as she had cooked for a crowd of at least fifty.

Simon and Vic set up a smaller table in the dining room for the smaller children. Sam, David, Erica, Nolan, Savannah, and Charlie sat at it. Flashbacks of Ruthie's childhood filled her mind. She could remember a time where she, Simon, Lynn, and Nigel had sat at a very similar small table while the grownups ate at the big table.

Peter appeared with two filled to the top plates. Ruthie's eyes widened. "How am I supposed to eat that now?" she laughed as she eyeballed the hamburger, big glob of potato salad, puddle of runny baked beans, and scrumptious looking brownie. Peter glanced at her inquisitively and gently took her right arm and placed it on the table.

"Have you tried to move your fingers?" Peter asked softly. Ruthie stared back at him blankly; no, she hadn't. She had given little effort in moving the bones in her arms since she had woken up. After all, she had assumed since they were still casted – she wasn't supposed to. She gazed down at her right index, middle, and ring fingers. They had remained limp and motionless since she had woken up – she had not tried to move them since that first day. Slowly, she wiggled her right index finger. Her eyes widened as she gazed into Peter's eyes; his eyebrows rose in shock. Slowly, Ruthie moved her arm over to her plate; she grabbed a strawberry with her index and middle finger and brought it up to her mouth. She tasted its sweet watery goodness. Peter laughed, "So it looks like you're not as helpless as you thought you were."

She rolled her eyes and moved her arm over to his shoulder and gently brushed against him. The muscles in her arm tingled as they moved for the first time in months. Underneath the casts, her arms itched. Carefully, she lifted her left arm and motioned it towards her right arm. She poked her index finger underneath the top of the cast and tried to scratch. Her nails were soft and moist from the sweat on her hands.

"It looks like your arms are healing," Ruthie flinched at the sound of her sister-in-law's voice. Her head jerked up to see Sarah set a filled plate of food in the seat to the right of Ruthie. Next to her, Rosina was situating the boys in their highchairs. Jacob – Ruthie seemed to tell the difference – sat between Ruthie and Sarah; and Noah between Rosina and Sarah. "Itching is a sign of healing," Sarah explained to Ruthie judging her confused look.

"I knew that," Ruthie replied; she remembered when she had broken her finger at age eleven. It had itched madly as it healed. Sarah seemed to roll her eyes.

Richard joined them a few moments later; followed by Cecilia, Meredith, and Simon. Simon took the spot directly across from Ruthie – the same spot her mother used to sit in when they were kids. Ruthie sighed, imagining growing old without her mother and father; imagining watching her brothers and sisters have children and their children growing old; imagining finding a man who could care for her like Kevin cared for Lucy. It all seemed surrealistic; then again – eleven years ago she would have never pictured she would be sitting here fatherless with her mother in a coma. Dreams did change. _Mom's not dead yet, _Ruthie reminded herself, trying to hold onto hope.

Sandy walked in the room holding Aaron. "I see all the rooms are taken in here," she sighed. "Jeffrey, Roxanne, Chandler, Vic, Robbie, Patty Mary, Paris, Carlos, and the little ones have crammed into the kitchen. Julie's still trying to keep the kitchen spotless. I told her to come and sit down and eat – but she refuses."

"I'll tell you what, I'll go help Julie and you can have my spot," Rosina insisted.

"Oh no, Mrs. Glass – I couldn't," Sandy protested. "Aaron and I can go eat outside."

"You certainly will not," Rabbi Glass butted in. "If my wife wants you to have her seat, you'll take it." Sandy's face turned red a little as Rosina stood up and allowed Sandy and Aaron to sit between Richard and Sarah. Sandy sat with Aaron bouncing on her knee.

Sandy looked uncomfortable. _All the more reason she shouldn't be a minister, _Ruthie contemplated_, a minister should feel comfortable around people. _She volunteered, "So, should I say the blessing? Or does someone else want to?" Everyone at the table remained silence until she nodded her head. "Alright, I will." She bowed her head, followed by the rest of them – including Rabbi Glass, Sarah, and the children. "Oh gracious Father," she started, "we thank you for bringing us all together today. We ask you to bless this bountiful food we are about to put into our mouths; may it nourish our bodies and keep us strong." She paused for a moment and took a breath. "And Lord Jesus, may you keep Lucy and her baby safe during this time. Please, allow Lucy to have a safe delivery and a healthy baby. In Jesus name we pray, Amen."

"Amen," they repeated.

"Let's eat!" Rabbi Glass chimed. Ruthie couldn't help but wonder what was going on in his head. For some reason, to her, it seemed like there wasn't a whole lot of difference from Christianity to Judaism; but there was a whole lot of a difference from Judaism to Christianity. Ruthie had done her share of research on Judaism when Matt had first gotten _married _to Sarah. She had learned all about circumcision and that jazz. The only major difference she had come across was: Jesus. So basically, Judaism was solely pre-New Testament.

Ruthie fiddled with her food through the meal. She managed to use her fork between her index and middle fingers. It was a challenge, but she managed. Her hamburger seemed to be her biggest struggle. Lucky for her, Peter had noticed she was struggling and had offered to cut it up for her. Thus, her burger reminded her of the _burger bites _they served at the Pool Hall on the kid's menu.

Her heart jumped when the phone rang near the near the end of the meal. "I've got it," Simon volunteered as he reached for the phone on the wall. "Hello?" he answered swiftly. "Matt!" _Matt? Wasn't he delivering that one woman's baby? _Simon's face frowned. "You're serious?" _Serious…about? _ "Wow. Well, that's good… still… so everything's okay?" … "I see" … "Okay, I'll let everyone left know" … "Yeah, and mostly everyone went home" …"Uh-huh. I know, it's too bad" … "Okay" and he hung up the phone. Simon turned towards the table; all eyes were focused on him. He turned semi-pink as he silently stared back.

"What did Matt say?" Sarah finally asked with anticipation.

Simon blinked. "Lucy had her baby." Their mouths all dropped in shock. "They had to do an emergency C-section. I guess Matt got there shortly after Jonathan delivered her because he was in delivery with the other woman." Everyone continued staring at him, waiting.

"I don't suppose he told you what she had," Sarah replied bluntly. Ruthie knew she was referring to the Laura Shuler that Matt had left to deliver for.

Simon, on the other hand, didn't realize that. "A little girl. She's two pounds and one ounce according to Matt," Simon told them.

"What's her name?" Sandy asked curiously.

Simon raised his thick blond eyebrows. "He didn't say. He just said she was rushed to ICU. They had to knock Lucy out because she was manic." _Rebekah Anne Kinkirk, _Ruthie repeated the name Kevin had told her at the hospital; she bit her lip to prevent herself from saying it out loud.

Abruptly, Sarah stood up grabbing her empty plate and the boys'. "What's wrong, Sarah?" Rabbi Glass noticed the clamorous expression on his daughter's face. Her eyes no longer were glazed over; her dark brown eyes looked as lively as ever.

"Nothing, nothing at all," she replied, "I just need to go to the hospital and…uh, see Lucy. Can you watch the boys for me?"

"Sarah, you know you don't have to ask your mother or me to watch the boys. But is it really necessary that you leave _right now_?" he inquired his daughter.

"Yup," she responded bluntly and continued into the kitchen. Ruthie glanced at Peter, who shrugged. In reaction, Ruthie sprung out of her chair and followed Sarah into the kitchen.

Paris, Vic, Patty Mary, Robbie, Camden, Emma, Carlos, Crissy, Jenny, Roxanne, Chandler, and Jeffrey were all crammed around the kitchen table. Rosina, Lynn, Nigel, and Aunt Julie had taken seats around the kitchen's island. Margaret and Mac weren't in sight – Ruthie assumed they had gone outside or into the living room to be _alone_.

Patty Mary was laughing a little; Ruthie hadn't seen her laugh before. "So, you were one of Robbie's old girlfriends?" she questioned Roxanne.

Roxanne shrugged. "I don't know if you could say _girlfriend_." She placed her palm on Chandler's hand.

"We were more make out partners," Robbie joked. _Wrong answer, _Ruthie thought. She could tell he hadn't learned much about talking to women over the last four years.

Patty Mary raised her eyebrows. "Oh really?"

"I used to fantasize about making out with her in seventh grade," Robbie told his wife. "I told her that, and we made out a few times – that was all. Nothing more." Patty Mary seemed to be thinking the same thing Ruthie was. _Is he crazy? _Ruthie rolled her eyes. _If that were my husband, I would have slapped him. _She admired Patty Mary's seeming for self-control.

Meanwhile, Sarah was rinsing her dish in the sink. "I'm coming with you," Ruthie told her sister-in-law as she avoided the crowd at the table.

"Ruthie, I don't think that's a good idea. You just _left _the hospital," Sarah told her. "Why would you want to go back? With your luck, you'll run into that Dr. Cambridge and he'll try to commit you again."

"Matt and you wouldn't let that happen," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Besides, I think you showed him off plenty."

"Did I?" Sarah seemed uncertain.

"Oh come on, Lucy's _my _sister. I'm her only sister left with Mary being the bitch she is," Ruthie pleaded. She saw Carlos's eyebrows rise in her peripheral vision. However, it wasn't her undying love for Lucy's sisterhood that made her want to tag along – it was her curiosity. Curiosity had killed the cat. She wanted to find out if Matt and Sarah were expecting again.

"Alright," Sarah sighed. "You can tag along, simply because I don't feel like arguing this with you." Ruthie raised her eyebrow_, what was that supposed to mean? _She grabbed the extra set of keys to the van and headed out the back door. They passed Mac and Margaret making out on the bench on their way to the garage. "I really don't know why you want to tag along," she told Ruthie once they had gotten in the car. "And you're sitting in the back. We're not taking any risks." She opened the back door and made sure to buckle in Ruthie.

"To be all honest, I'm not sure I understand why _you _have to go to the hospital so urgently," Ruthie replied quietly.

"I need to apologize to Matt – not that you care. It's not really your business, though," Sarah told her as she started driving. "I overreacted."

"No kidding," Ruthie murmured to herself.

"What?"

"Nothing," Ruthie replied innocently. "Do you think that Lucy's baby will be okay?" she asked trying to sound concerned.

"At this point in the game, the chances of survival are pretty good, with modern medicine. Though the chances of learning disabilities and physical disabilities are higher," Sarah told her. _Just what Lucy needs, a retarded kid, _Ruthie sighed. She could barely handle Savannah – a normal child. Ruthie shuddered at the thought of Lucy with a handicapped kid. "You'd be better to ask Matt though," she added, "he specializes in babies – I don't see them until they're discharged from the hospital."

"Surely you've treated premature babies though," Ruthie tried to sound interested. Badly, she wanted to blurt out_, "Are you pregnant?"_ If she wasn't, though, she would feel stupid.

"Back in New York, yeah, I haven't since we've been in Glen Oak," Sarah told her. She added, "I haven't seen any preemies before thirty-two weeks though. They've all had breathing problems, mostly."

"I see," Ruthie said. _I've got it. _"So," she started. "Have you and Matt talked anymore about having children? You know, with Jake and Noah being a year old – and you're both around babies all the time…"

She watched Sarah's eyebrows rise from the rear-view mirror. "Why?" she asked.

"I just…wondered…are you…?"

"Am I what?" she asked as she stopped at a stoplight.

"Pregnant."

Sarah's jaw dropped open. "Why would you think that?"

"It's just…Lynn…she thought…you know…she made me curious…"

She inhaled as the light turned green. "Is it that obvious already?" Ruthie's eyebrows rose. _She is! _

"You are?"

"Six weeks," Sarah sighed and smiled a tad. _A week further…_

"Does Matt know?"

"He knew before I knew," Sarah laughed a little. "It's his _OB-GYN instincts_. He knew before I knew about the twins too. We were going to tell everyone today then all of this came up… Ruthie, don't tell anyone; we want to – you haven't, have you?"

"No," Ruthie answered. "Lynn just said… well, it was just talk. I haven't told anyone what she said." She didn't want to tell Sarah that her _actions _had given it away.

"Good." Sarah pulled into the hospital. "My parents don't even know yet. How is it…?" Ruthie shrugged, knowing where she was going. She didn't know how she ended up knowing their business before everyone else did.

"Do you think you're having twins again?" Ruthie joked. Sarah's face froze for a moment as she parked. She didn't say a single word.

OooO

Chills ran through her body as she and Sarah entered the hospital. Only seven hours ago all Ruthie wanted to do was _leave _this sterile place. Here she was, returning. Never in a million years could she have imagined willingly coming back to this hospital. Sarah didn't stop at the desk like a normal citizen would; she waved at the lady sitting at the desk and proceeded to the elevator. Working at a hospital certainly had its advantages.

The baby floor was on the third floor, but the elevator stopped on the second. Ruthie eyes widened as she saw Nurse Ellie push in a cart. Nurse Ellie seemed just as shocked to see her. "Ruthie Camden, what are you doing back here? I must say, you are the last person I was expecting to see back here."

"My sister went into premature labor," Ruthie explained. "I'm coming to see her."

"Is she the one that had the two pounder? I heard some nurses talking about her. Apparently she was so agitated they had to tranquilize her." _Surprise, surprise, _Ruthie thought sarcastically. Nurse Ellie turned to Sarah, "So, I take it Ruthie's told you the good news."

Sarah's eyes glared at Ruthie suspiciously. _Whoops. I forgot. _"What good news?" Sarah asked.

Nurse Ellie raised her eyebrows in shock. "I would have thought she'd have told you guys immediately. Ruthie…"

"Yeah, with Lucy and all it kind of slipped my mind," Ruthie told her. She looked up at Sarah, "I'm HIV-free."

Sarah gasped, "Well that's _definitely _good news. That's great, Ruthie!" She wrapped her arm around Ruthie's shoulders. "You should have told us earlier." Ruthie sighed; knowing the real reason she hadn't announced it earlier: Sandy.

OooO

Jonathan – Dr. Sanderson, as his nametag read – was running through the hallway as they approached the third floor. He stopped the minute he saw Sarah and Ruthie. "Lucy's in the last room in the right, but she's still unconscious. They just finished stitching her…Matt's sitting in with her, though probably shouldn't be because he's her brother and all – he insisted." Ruthie squinted and read on Jonathan's nametag. _Resident; _he was still a resident at the hospital. Her eyes widened; that meant he couldn't be much older than her brother. She wondered where he had gone medical school – not that it mattered. Ruthie couldn't help but wonder how Sandy had met him.

They walked down to the last door on the right; it was already propped open. Sarah gently knocked on the door and walked in. Matt sprung out of the chair he sat in next to Lucy. The room was vaguely familiar – in fact, it was laid out almost exactly like her mother's; all the way to the mirror. "I'm sorry," Sarah whispered as she wrapped her arms around Matt.

"It's okay, I understand," Matt whispered and gave his wife a peck on her lips. He glanced over at Ruthie. "What are you doing here, Ruthie?" he whispered firmly.

"She insisted on tagging along," Sarah told Matt and added, "And she knows our little secret."

Matt's eyebrows rose inquisitively looking towards Ruthie, "Does she? How did she find out?" Ruthie shrugged looking at Sarah.

"How is the baby doing?" Sarah changed the subject.

Matt frowned. "They won't let me in there because of the whole _conflict of interest _ordeal. But I've got this terrible gut feeling that they're going to want to transfer her to Sacramento. Her lungs are much undeveloped; I'm certain she has apnea and bradycardia – typical of all preemies I've seen. Of course, because I can't see her – I don't know. I've just got a feeling the NICU here doesn't have the necessities she'll need."

"Where's Kevin?" Sarah asked frowning.

"A nurse is letting him sneak a peek at her through the window. Of course, he's not allowed to go in there now while they're operating on her," Matt told her. They stood there and watched Lucy breathe in and out of her tubes. Ruthie's eye sulked to see her sister in so much pain; not even she deserved this. She actually felt bad for the thoughts she had thought earlier.

"Ruthie, you should tell Matt," Sarah whispered.

"Tell me what?" he whispered.

Ruthie glanced over at her sister; still appearing to be asleep. Her heart rate monitor was beeping in a steady pattern. Asleep or not, Ruthie didn't want Lucy to hear anything. "I'm clean," she murmured. "I don't…have…it."

"You mean?" Matt seemed to understand. She nodded. "That's great!" He wrapped his arms around Ruthie "At least we've gotten some good news today," he turned to Sarah and they both sighed. Ruthie closed her eyes looking at Lucy sadly. She had this crazy gut feeling that the next couple of months were going to be a bumpy ride.


	27. Boiling Water

Outside Heaven

Chapter 27

Boiling Water

_The home fire burning: the kettle almost boiling  
but the master of the house is far away.  
The horses stamping, their warm breath clouding  
in the sharp and frosty morning of the day.  
And the poet lifts his pen while the soldier sheaths his sword.  
And the youngest of the family is moving with authority.  
Building castles by the sea, he dares the tardy tide to wash them all aside._

"_Thick as a Brick" ~ Jethro Tull_

Ruthie was right on the nail. The road ahead was bumpy and filled with hard rocks. Over the course of the coming months, she would think back to some words of advice Matt had given Simon after he hit that boy. Ruthie had heard them on the video he had made for his college: _"God looks after us through our own consciousness, and those moments when we're not watching ourselves go through life, accidents occur. We're not capable of watching ourselves every moment, so accidents happen." _Could this same piece of advice be used to explain why bad things happened to people? Maybe, just maybe, this was supposed to be Lucy's wake-up call.

When Lucy woke, she cried and cried. Kevin was right there by her side - both were still ridden with shock. A neonatal specialist came to explain Rebekah's condition. He used descriptive words Ruthie could not even pronounce. She had gathered: her lungs were undeveloped and retaining fluid; she had retinopathy – which meant she had a chance of going blind; and her heart beat was slower than a normal baby. The specialist had explained she would need to be transported to Sacramento since the neonatal intensive unit in Glen Oak could not fully treat babies that were born at less than two and a half pounds.

Ruthie returned back to the house with Sarah that night. Lucy had twisted Matt's arm to stay with her that night. He had given in; it was difficult – if not impossible – to say _"No" _to Lucy. Sarah insisted on getting back to the boys as she indicated she hated to pawn them off on her parents.

The entire ride home, Sarah had drilled in Ruthie's head that she was not to tell anyone their surprise. When the time was right, she and Matt would break their news. _When the time was right – _there didn't seem to be such thing as _right _time nowadays.

Ruthie and Sarah returned to a practically empty house. Everyone had left except for Simon, Cecilia, and Sarah's parents. Sam and David were entertaining Savannah, Jacob, and Noah. "Carlos left already?" Sarah inquired.

Simon nodded, "Apparently he had already purchased tickets for the six o'clock flight."

Sarah let out a sigh, "That's too bad. I feel horrible…"

"It's not your fault," Simon insisted, "Lucy had no right to behave the way she did. I feel bad for Carlos… caught in the middle of Mary and Lucy's pettiness." Their faces turned solemn at the mention of Lucy's name, though they all knew that Simon was correct.

"What about Lynn and Nigel? Aunt Julie? Meredith? Robbie? Sandy? Roxanne and Chandler? Peter?" Ruthie questioned.

"Lynn and Nigel were only planning on staying until six also – their parents are expecting them back in New York tonight. Nolan wasn't feeling well, so Julie thought it was best to take the kids home, Meredith had to get to work, Robbie and Patty Mary had flights booked too – they could only get off work for one day, Sandy was going to go pick Jonathan up at the hospital, Roxanne and Chandler still have a lot to plan for their wedding, and I don't know what the Petrowski excuse was," Cecilia informed her, resting her hand on her belly. _Chandler and Roxanne's wedding, _Ruthie remembered. She remembered Matt saying something about them getting married in August. _When in August?_ Their hearts leaped when the phone began ringing.

"I've got it," Simon insisted reaching for the phone. "Hello, Camden residence"…"Oh hi, Colonel"…"Yeah, we missed you today"…"Ah, I'm sure you have a good reason, you don't have to explain – besides, everything sort of turned upside down"…"Really, you don't have to explain"…Simon's face started to drape downwards. His complexion began to change colors as if he were sick. "Oh my…that's terrible!" … "What? No, we have to come out there…God. Co-_Grandpa_, Lucy had her baby today…" … "She wasn't quite at twenty-four weeks of gestation" … "But… yes, okay" … "Okay, we won't…but, I really think we should"… "I understand. I won't. I promise. You have my word." Without saying goodbye, Simon hung up the phone. He looked palely at the rest of them and uttered, "That was the Colonel." They all knew something wasn't right; was it the Colonel? Was he sick? Or was something wrong with Grandma? George? Mary? Mary was closer to the Colonel than any of them.

"Simon, what's wrong?" Ruthie asked nervously. "Something's wrong, I can tell by the look on your face."

"N-Nothing," Simon stuttered; Ruthie knew he was lying. "That was just the Colonel – he said he couldn't make it in today because of some bad weather up East. Nothing too serious, their car got hail damaged - but they have insurance, so they're covered." Simon's face turned burnt red. Ruthie took note to his hands: clamminess. His words slurred together in one big bundle; he was lying. Ruthie could always tell when someone in her family was lying.

"Carlos, Nigel, and Lynn didn't seem to have a problem getting in from New York today," Ruthie stated.

"Yeah, well, you know Carlos and Mary are in New York City… and Lynn and Nigel are in upstate New York. The conditions in Buffalo are quite different," Simon assured. Ruthie gazed inquiringly at Sarah who nodded in agreement.

"Hey…Mom, don't you have some cousins in Buffalo?" Sarah questioned gazing towards her mother.

Rosina raised her eyebrows. "Oh, you must be talking about my second cousin, Naomi. Now that you mention her I haven't spoken to her in years. Maybe I should give her a call."

"Maybe you should," Sarah nodded as she smiled weakly.

"When I get home I'll definitely do that," Rosina winked. She turned to her husband, "Look at the time. Boy, it's been a rough day. I'm sure everyone could use a little rest." She turned to Cecilia, "Especially Cecilia, we don't want a recurrence of what happened earlier." Cecilia winced uneasily.

"You're right, Rosina," Richard replied. "We should get going." Rosina quickly headed over to where Jacob and Noah were sitting and gave them each a peck on the cheek. Richard placed his hand on his daughter's right shoulder, "If you need to tell your mother and me anything, you know where you can find us." Sarah's eyes widened as she gazed over at Ruthie. _He knows. _

The next morning, everyone went to the hospital – even Sam, David, Jacob, Noah, and Savannah. Rebekah had already been transported to Sacramento by helicopter; Lucy had not been emotionally or physically stable the night before to be transported. That day, doctors were prepping her to be transported by helicopter also – so she could remain close to her daughter. Kevin would be traveling along with her, also.

Nobody was more confused and hurt by all of this than Savannah. Kevin and Lucy had made a difficult decision – to leave her behind. The two and a half year old did not understand why she was not allowed to see her baby sister. "Why can't she come home?" Savannah had cried. How did you tell a two and a half year old that her baby sister was too small? That she might not survive? Nobody wanted to have to tell her that last bit.

Matt and Sarah were pulling their hair out keeping their secret. Matt had suggested it wasn't right for them to announce it in front of Lucy; she had it bad enough – and he didn't feel right about announcing such a thing when she had had so many complications with pregnancy herself. Sarah agreed with him, but she didn't want to hold it in much longer. She wanted to share this pregnancy with her family and friends – something she hadn't gotten to do with Jacob and Noah. She was tired of keeping secrets. In the end, secrets always came out – good or bad. Sarah had come to the conclusion it was better to get them out sooner than later. "_The longer a secret boiled on, the harder it could hurt in the end," _had been her exact words.

Ruthie's stomach churned at that thought. Her mind kept traveling back to Simon. Rosina had called Sarah the next morning after talking with her second cousin, Naomi. Naomi had indicated the weather was absolutely beautiful up there in Buffalo and had been for days. _Simon has a secret, _Ruthie's head spun. Being left out on a secret was driving her mad.

Whatever Simon's secret was couldn't be as bad as what she was hiding from Lucy. She knew Lucy had the right to know; she was her sister. While the worst case scenario had occurred – well, not the worst…Rebekah still had a chance – Lucy's long journey was just beginning. Ruthie wasn't sure what was worse: losing a baby or giving birth to a preemie that might not make it in the end. All and all, Ruthie thought it was worse to lose a child after it had been born alive. Lucy would become attached to Rebekah; if things didn't work out in the end it would be worse for Lucy than if Rebekah had not been born alive.

A few days after Lucy and Kevin had arrived in Sacramento, Matt set Ruthie up with friendly seeming doctor to follow up on her injuries. After examining her, the doctor told her Ruthie's casts could have been removed weeks ago. The doctor insisted on removing them immediately. Relief filled Ruthie's body. _That damn Doctor Cambridge – was he trying to make my life hell? _

Her arms felt insanely light without the casts. She was still hesitant to _use _her arms; after having not for two months. The doctor had given her a light one pound weight; he instructed her to lift it with each arm – it would build up her strength again. She obeyed the doctor's orders.

When she got home, the first thing she did was grab her laptop. She realized she hadn't checked her email and Facebook in a whole whopping two months. Ruthie couldn't comprehend _why _anyone would try to contact her via electronic message when they _knew _she was unable to respond. Nonetheless, she wasn't surprised when she had one hundred new emails and over three hundred Facebook notifications. Most of them were people saying: _get well soon, Ruthie_ like they actually thought she would read it before she was _well._ She also had ten friend requests; including Kelly – Meredith's younger sister who was the same age as Ruthie. The same sister that had spread the rumor that she was pregnant with Martin's baby her sophomore year. _If only it were me and not Sandy. _Her father would have killed her. Ruthie rolled her eyes and accepted her request. She skimmed through her emails; a lot of it was junk; some was from colleges she had never considered; then there was one that caught her eye: _The deadline has passed! Are you coming? _Her heart leaped as she clicked n the email from Crawford College. It read:

_Ruthie,_

_The confirmation deadline was __**July 1**__**st**__, however because want you – we have extended your deadline until __**July 15**__**th**__**. **__Please send in your confirmation sheet and $50 tuition deposit to ensure your spot for the upcoming fall!_

_-Craig Reynolds, Crawford College Admissions Director_

She choked up; she had completely spaced off college. Quickly, she hovered over the time on her computer so the date would appear. _July 27__th__ 2007 _appeared over her screen. She was too late. _I was going to take a year off anyway, _she decided_, it was meant to be. Besides, I want to go to London with Simon and Cecilia…_

They still hadn't brought it up again, but she knew they would. Simon and Cecilia had enough on their plate right now with planning for their new baby and taking care of Savannah, Jacob, and Noah when Matt and Sarah were gone. Of course, and then there were the twins – they spent most of their time in their rooms, though. They had been going through a phase where they no longer wanted to help. They would back-sass Simon or Cecilia anytime they asked them to do anything. Oddly enough, they never played that game with Matt or Sarah.

Matt and Sarah had been working a lot since Kevin and Lucy had departed. Ruthie didn't know if it was because they were _trying _to avoid the rest of the family, or if their schedules were just naturally that hectic. Sarah would come back to the house every night around seven; she'd take Jacob and Noah out of Simon and Cecilia's hands; then she'd take them upstairs and close the door of the room Matt and Sarah were sharing – the room that had once been Ruthie and Simon's when they were small. Every now and then Ruthie would go down and talk to her; she had asked when they were planning on announcing the news to everyone. Sarah had told her that Matt wanted to wait until something _good _happened – like when Rebekah came home. _When _Rebekah came home. From the sounds of that, Ruthie gathered that Matt was convinced she _would _come home.

Kevin would call daily and update them on Rebekah's condition. From the way he talked, her future was promising. She was gaining a little weight each day; he and Lucy got to hold her for the first time exactly two weeks after she was born. Of course, she was still connected to the oxygen and her heart rate was still being monitored. Each day was a struggle; they feared she would take a turn for a worse. Lucy and Kevin's biggest didn't seem to be her life – but her eyesight. While her eyes were scanned daily, the doctors told Lucy and Kevin her true prognosis could not accurately be determined until she was several months to a year old. Regardless to her prognosis, doctors told Lucy and Kevin that she would need glasses to see at a very young age. Every one continued to keep their prayers with Kevin and Lucy.

As August started to drag on, discussion of what to do with Sam and David's schooling came up. They had been seeing less and less of Aunt Julie as time went on. She had resumed her old position of principal at one of the local elementary schools; this resulted in her being swamped. Even though the kids didn't go back until the fourth of September, she was already moving stuff into her new office and preparing for the new school year.

Matt, Sarah, Simon, and Cecilia had all come to the consensus that it was best for Sam and David to go back to school. They hadn't brought Kevin and Lucy in on the decision, nor did they plan on it. Kevin and Lucy had enough on their plates, they didn't need that too. Their mother and father's wills – which had been issued after their father's first heart attack – clearly stated that if anything were to happen to either of them, Matt was supposed to have sole custody of the children. This meant he was responsible for Sam, David, and Ruthie until they turned eighteen. Ruthie only had a short time.

Ruthie found herself spending hours and hours lying in her room staring at her cell phone. _I have to tell him, _she told herself_, I need to call Martin. _She was afraid; chicken. Peter would text her every day and ask her how she was doing. It was sweet of him, but yet she felt so wrong for not telling him the whole truth. He had the right to know about her and Martin, but she was afraid if he did…he wouldn't want anything to do with her.

Roxanne and Chandler were getting married on August twentieth. Kevin and Lucy were fretting with each other about returning for the wedding. Roxanne wanted Lucy to be her maid of honor; yet Lucy couldn't bring herself to leave Rebekah. When Lucy refused, Roxanne was disappointed. She asked Cecilia to take her place. Cecilia accepted, though she felt wrong about it – she was upset with Lucy for refusing to come back for the wedding. Roxanne and Lucy had been "friends", after all. She and Roxanne had never exactly been _friends_, the maid of honor was supposed to be the bride's best friend. Ruthie couldn't help but wonder whether or not Lucy still felt jealousy towards Roxanne. She still cracked up when she remembered how crazy Lucy had been when she thought Kevin was going to fall in love with Roxanne. Then, miraculously, after Kevin and Lucy's wedding they had become _friends_. Ruthie figured that Lucy had come to the conclusion that she had officially claimed Kevin as _hers_.

Ruthie had also been asked to be a bride's maid; she had gladly accepted. Even though Roxanne barely knew Sarah, she had asked her to be her third and final bridesmaid. She didn't have a lot of female friends. Growing up, she had always been "one of the guys."

Kevin had insisted on coming back for the wedding – leaving Lucy at odds with him. Chandler had asked him to be one of his groomsmen; Jeffrey was his other. Ruthie found that amusing and slightly odd; she could remember a time when Kevin had found Chandler and Lucy talking at the church – which had resulted in him kissing Roxanne. Apparently, they had settled all of that – and in light of recent events, Kevin and Chandler had become friends.

Chandler had made peace with his twin brother, Sid. Sid had been sober for almost three years now. He would be coming back to be Chandler's best man. It was the righteous thing to do, Ruthie thought. A brother's purpose was to be the best man. Ruthie still remembered how at her eldest brother's wedding he had declined Simon that honor. She still was shocked by that; Robbie shouldn't have had that right. Granted, she liked Robbie – but Matt didn't even _like _him for quite some time. Nothing made what Matt did right. Then again, Kevin's situation to disbar his brother as his best man hadn't been much better. Ben had showed up to the wedding dressed like scum; Ben, his mother, Roxanne, and Chandler had been _fighting_. Ruthie could see Kevin's point – but, still, she didn't necessarily blame him. Her stomach churned at the thought of Ben – deceased now. She was glad Chandler was able to forgive his brother's past and allow him to be his best man.

The wedding was small – Roxanne and Chandler choose to keep it close friends and family only. Ruthie was only disturbed by one bit: Sandy. She had been asked to marry them. Ruthie gagged in silence. Apparently, Roxanne and Chandler wanted somebody they _knew _to marry them. They didn't want to be wedded by some random minister.

Ruthie's eyes widened when she saw Beau Brewer show up. She could remember a time when Beau had returned from Iraq and Chandler and Roxanne were broken up. Roxanne had spent hours in their living room making out with Beau Brewer. Surely, it had to be awkward for Beau to see her marrying another man. All along, Ruthie had suspected Roxanne's real reason for going to Iraq had been to chase Beau down. Then, of course, his tour had ended. That had been a boneheaded move on Roxanne's part – that is, if she really was chasing Martin's dad.

Her eyes had scoped the church for Martin – but he wasn't there. She wondered if he had told his father about it. She stared his father down looking for answers, but that did her no good. He gave her no answers. His face remained emotionless – as it did frequently. He held his grandson close to him throughout the entire ceremony.

Mrs. Bink – who had always been close to Chandler, seeing as he had lived with her – was also at the ceremony. She was rolled in with a wheelchair. Apparently, the day after she had been at the Camden residence, she had fallen and broken her hip. Doctors predicted she would never be the same again; she insisted differently. She was still living in assisted living and Ruthie couldn't help but notice how much weight she had lost.

Some other exes of the couple showed up; Paris Petrowski and Robbie Palmer. Robbie had come without Patty Mary and Camden – according to him, Patty Mary was still fretting over the whole fact that Robbie and Roxanne had been _make out _partners. He was just happy that she had let him come. Vic, Peter, and Emma came along too. Peter had given Ruthie a peck on the cheek. _What are we? _Ruthie didn't know. Did she have feelings for Peter? Honestly, she didn't know. There was so much history; so many secrets. Like Sarah had said, the longer secrets stayed boiled in, the harder it could hurt in the end. Some day she would tell Peter about her and Martin, she figured. The time was not any time soon.

Ruthie couldn't help but notice how they didn't ask the traditional lines: _"If anyone should have any reason that these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your silence." _Now that she thought about it, they hadn't asked it at Kevin and Lucy's wedding either. Of course – they all knew that nobody would protest of Kevin and Lucy being together. _Maybe they should have, _Ruthie pondered. She sighed, gazing towards Kevin; she couldn't help but feel somewhat sorry for him.

Savannah had been delighted to see her daddy again. She didn't understand why her mommy and baby sister couldn't come home too. Of course, Lucy hadn't been thinking about the confusion she would cause Savannah by not coming back for the wedding. One couldn't say she was being selfish, because she wasn't. She was thinking about the welfare of her premature baby – but not about the welfare of her healthy child. The situation was complicated.

After the wedding, everyone headed over to the Church's house. Ruthie no longer felt comfortable calling it _her _house – or the Camden's house. Somehow, now that her father was dead, her mother was in a coma, and she was living there with Matt, Sarah, Simon, Cecilia; her niece, nephews, and brothers. Somehow, it felt like the house didn't belong to them anymore. What would happen after Simon and Cecilia left for Europe? Surely, Matt and Sarah wouldn't want to continue living directly in front of Kevin and Lucy. Now that Roxanne and Chandler were married, surely they would want to settle down. The house was rather large – and they only had Jeffrey; he was fourteen now. Ruthie wondered if they would decide to have children of their own. Currently, they were renting a small two bedroom home. If they did, that house would be too small. The right thing for Matt and Sarah to do after Simon and Cecilia were gone would be to move out on their own and give the house to Roxanne and Chandler. Lucy, on the other hand, might not be too fond of that. Who else needed the house? Her and Kevin?

Ruthie found herself moping around sitting on the couch while everyone else was outside. Peter walked in on her, closing the door to the living room behind him, and wrapped his arm around her. "What's wrong Ruthie? You haven't seemed yourself lately. Is something bothering you?"

She shook her head. "No. I'm fine."

"Are you sure about that?" he questioned. "Is it Martin? Ever since you talked to him that one day you haven't seemed the same. Did he hurt you? Ruthie, you know he's no good. If he cared about you he would be here for you, but he's not."

She shook her head and pushed him away. She replied firmly. "No. It's not Martin. I'm over him – long over him. He's a total ass and he deserves to be alone."

His eyes widened. "Why do I get the feeling there's something more? Are you sure he didn't say something to you that day? If he did, I'll go give him a piece of his own medicine."

She rolled her eyes. "Stay away from Martin," she said coldly. "Please. Just let it be." Her eyes gazed into his and he nodded back. He came closer and wrapped his arm back around her shoulders.

"I won't," he whispered. "I promise. I never want to see you hurt."_ You're only hurting me by bringing him up, _she thought. His warm arms curled around her body and their faces came closer. Seconds later, his soft wet lips pressed against hers and she pressed hers back. Their tongues touched and a minty taste filled her mouth. Moments later, the roll from the living room's door startled them. She jerked away from Peter and her eyes bounced up to see Kevin holding Savannah.

He looked startled. "Oh. I'm sorry," he said smoothly. "I didn't mean to barge in on you two; I guess I didn't realize that this was the _Make Out _room."

"You've lived here for nearly five years and you haven't realized that?" Ruthie rolled her eyes sarcastically. _If only he had been around here when Lucy was a teenager, _she pondered to herself. If he had, then again, maybe they wouldn't have had to deal Lucy moping over that Jeremy guy.

"Don't back-talk me," Kevin told her softly. "I'm still the adult, remember?"

"And I will be an adult in four months," Ruthie smiled.

"Yup, you will," Kevin smiled. "Along with becoming an adult, though, comes the responsibilities of being an adult." Ruthie rolled her eyes.

"So…" Peter trailed. "I'm really sorry, Kevin. We didn't mean to do anything wrong. Ruthie and I were just… uh, yeah. How is Rebekah doing?"

Kevin grinned a little. "Don't sweat it Peter. I was just teasing you guys a little. I'd rather you two be in here than up in Ruthie's bedroom." He glared at Ruthie_, what was that supposed to mean? _"Anyway, about Rebekah, she's doing well. In four weeks, she's gained almost a pound. Lucy takes the credit for her progressing, of course. She won't leave her side. The doctors do say that skin to skin contact is the key for preemies."

"That's good," Peter smiled. "When do you think she'll get to come home?"

Kevin sighed. "They're aiming for or maybe a little before her original due date – that was October sixteenth. It seems so far away – almost two months. I'm not sure I can be away from Savannah for much longer." He turned to Savannah and hugged her tightly.

"Daddy, why Mommy and Bekah not come home?" she asked for the one hundredth time.

"Sweetie, I told you Bekah's too small. When Bekah's bigger she can come home from the hospital," Kevin explained to Savannah.

"Daddy, when I was baby was I in hospital long time?" Savannah questioned curiously. The toddler was inquisitive about her sister's condition.

"No sweetie, you came home right away. You were a big girl," Kevin sweetly told Savannah. Ruthie remembered that Savannah had weighed seven pounds and seven ounces. She only remembered, because she recalled Lucy bustling on about how her daughter was born with _lucky sevens_, which meant she would have a lucky life. Kevin turned to Ruthie. "Ruthie, can I have a word with you?" Ruthie grunted, that didn't sound good. He handed Savannah to Kevin, "Savannah, how about you go hang out with Peter?" The little girl went with ease into Peter's arms; all of the kids were fond of Peter.

After Peter had left with Savannah, Ruthie turned to Kevin. "What did I do now?"

Kevin sighed. "Ruthie, Martin called me a few weeks ago." _He…did…what! Shit! _"He told me some really surprising stuff." Ruthie looked away, burying her face in the couch. She couldn't believe Martin had called _Kevin _of all people.

"Why would he do that?" she spat.

"He was scared and he needed someone to talk to, and he was too embarrassed to talk to his dad – so he called me. And frankly, I'm glad he did," Kevin told her. "He didn't need to worry his father over something that wasn't real. I told him that you got your results back and they were negative." Ruthie closed her eyes and her stomach turned upside down. It sickened her to know that Martin had told Kevin their personal business. She hoped he hadn't told him _when_.

"I wanted to tell him," Ruthie whispered.

"Why didn't you?" Kevin asked. "Furthermore, what were you _thinking _having sex again; and at your father's funeral of all places!" She choked up. He had told him.

"I'm not talking about this with you," Ruthie whispered. "It's not your business. You don't like it when I get into your business. Why should you get into mine?"

He sighed. "You're right. This is none of my business. When Martin called me, he made it my business. I'm sorry for prying, but you can imagine what was going through my head when I got Martin's phone call." He turned away, but then looked back quickly. "Oh, and Ruthie," he added, "you don't have to worry about Lucy finding out about this – I just don't think she could handle it. It's going to be bad enough when she finds out about… well, you know. And trust me Ruthie, she will find out. It would be better if she found out from the horse herself rather than from gossip, if you know what I mean." He winked and exited the room.

Kevin left for Sacramento late that night, leaving little Savannah in the care of her aunts and uncles. "Sam and David, how about you two go help Savannah get ready for bed?" Simon suggested after Kevin had left.

"No," Sam responded.

"We don't want to. We're too tired," David agreed.

"Besides, can't she dress herself? She's a big sister now," Sam added.

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Boys, believe me, when you were Savannah's age I had to help Mom get you two ready on more than one occasion. Do what Simon and Cecilia tell you to do!"

"We don't have to," David replied.

"No, we don't. The will says that Matt and Sarah are supposed to be our new parents," Sam chimed. Matt and Sarah had already gone upstairs to get Jacob and Noah in bed. Simon and Cecilia looked at each other in shock; neither of them seemed aware that the boys even knew about the will. It was obvious; Sam and David knew more than they put off. Ruthie could assume they had taken up on her old tactic: spying.

"I'll go get Matt and Sarah," Ruthie volunteered.

Simon shook his head. "No. Don't, I'll go get Savannah ready for bed. Sam and David are right, they don't have to listen to us – we're not their legal guardians." He gazed at Cecilia who appeared stunned. Finally, after being bombarded with Simon's stare for moments she nodded in agreement.

"Simon's right, they don't have to listen to us," she smiled wryly. Ruthie looked at her brother and sister-in-law in awe. Were they mad? They were going to let two eight year olds walk all over them like that?

September rolled around, and Sam and David were sent back to school. Peter had started his senior year of high school; a year Ruthie – like Simon – would never get to experience. Meredith was taking classes Crawford and working; Ruthie saw her hardly ever – except for her six in the morning Facebook statuses that usually involved school, work, or studying. Ruthie felt like she too should be working or studying – but she wasn't. It was the first time in her life that school had started and she didn't have any books to show for it. She spent her days lying around the house lazily. To make herself useful, she would try to take the little ones off of Simon and Cecilia's hands as much as possible. With preparing for their baby and to move across seas, they needed as much free time as they could get.

Nobody had brought up that conversation Simon had had with their grandfather again. Ruthie had tried to bring it up with Matt once. Matt had told her if Simon hadn't told them, then they weren't meant to know. In due time, it would likely come out. Until then, they would just have to let time run its course. It wasn't their business to pry. Ruthie had rolled her eyes; he had sounded so _mature-like. _What had happened to her nosy brother? Only two years ago, he had insisted that he and Kevin go spy on Lucy. It was unCamden-like for him to not want to know. _Unless Simon already told him. _

_The longer a secret boiled on, the longer it could hurt in the end, _Sarah's words simmered in Ruthie's mind. Sarah and Matt hadn't announced their news yet – and Sarah was beginning to show, though if Ruthie didn't know she probably wouldn't have noticed either. Sarah seemed to notice she was beginning to show; she had begun wearing more black baggy clothes when she wasn't dressed for work.

Around the middle of September – two weeks after school had started – Kevin had called to announce Rebekah was being sent back to Glen Oak. She weighed four pounds now and was much stronger. She was beginning to breathe on her own for short periods of time, and they had done all they could for her in Sacramento. She was responding well to Lucy and Kevin; Lucy had begun breastfeeding her. Currently, she was at thirty-six weeks of gestation; only four weeks before her due date. She was coming along well, and doctors projected that she should be able to come home within a week or two of being at the local hospital under supervision.

With Rebekah's return to Glen Oak, came Lucy and Kevin. Savannah was delighted to see her mother for the first time in two months. Lucy had held onto Savannah for the longest time. "Baby, I missed you. I'm sorry I couldn't come home and see you. But your baby sister needed me," she told Savannah.

"I needed you too," Savannah sobbed.

"Aww, I'm sorry Savannah. I'll tell you what: I'll never abandon you again, I'll always be there for you from now on, I promise," Lucy told Savannah. Ruthie closed her eyes, remembering a similar promise that her own mother had made to her at a young age.

_-Flashback- _

_Her grandmother had just passed leaving Ruthie confused and sad. If all people had to die, that meant her own mommy would too some day. She didn't want to lose her; she couldn't imagine life without a mother. "Mommy, are you always going to be here?" she asked her mother hopefully._

"_What do you mean?" her mother had asked curiously._

"_Are you going to pass away like Grandma?" Ruthie asked inquisitively._

_Her mother sighed, frowning. "Someday I will. But not for a very long time, so you shouldn't worry. Okay?"_

"_Okay," Ruthie replied._

_Her mother sighed and told her sincerely, "And I can promise you this. As long as I am here, no matter how old you get, you will always be able to count on me. I will always be there for you no matter what."_

_Her grandfather entered suddenly. He sighed, "I wish I would have lived up to that promise you just made Ruthie." _

_-End Flashback- _

Her eye closed. Here, her mother wasn't dead – but she might as well be. She wasn't there for her; she couldn't protect her any longer. She felt fortunate for her older brothers; they would always be there for her.

"Hey, Ruthie, will you come help me unpack some of my things?" Lucy asked smiling towards her little sister. She was in a decent mood - which was good. Ruthie shrugged, taking one of Lucy's suitcases as they left Kevin behind and headed towards the house connected by the gate in the backyard.

Ruthie and Lucy headed into the backroom and began unpacking Lucy's things. "So," Ruthie said slowly. "How are you?"

"I'm great, thanks for asking. Relieved. It's so great to be home," she smiled then her forehead squished up, like it did when she was about to ask a question. "Say, Ruthie – can I ask you something? I mean, it's not really my business…but if anyone knows, I'm sure it's you."

_What is that supposed to mean? _Ruthie felt her neck becoming clammy. "Yeah, sure," she said quickly as she placed Lucy's pillow back on her bed. Lucy had always insisted on taking her own pillow whenever she left home. She feared _head lice _and other _germs _you could pick up from sharing someone's pillow.

"Are Matt and Sarah… you know, expecting?" she asked.

"Why would you think that?" Ruthie asked abruptly.

Lucy shrugged. "I ran into Sarah at the hospital; Kevin and I stopped there before coming home… and, well, I didn't want to say anything. You know, just in case." Ruthie closed her eyes, biting her tongue. She didn't want to answer, but then she would be lying – and she was already down deep enough with Lucy.

"They want to tell everyone when the time is right," Ruthie whispered. "I-I'm not supposed to know anything. I didn't say anything, okay?"

Lucy scoffed. "How is it that _you _always know everything before anyone else? Why would Matt and Sarah tell you before they told the rest of the family?"

"They didn't tell me!" Ruthie shot. "When Lynn was here she said that Sarah was asking like Keisha did when she was pregnant with Nevaeh, and I asked Sarah!"

"Well that was awfully rude of you. Did it ever cross your mind of how _rude _you would have sounded if she wasn't?" Lucy rolled her eyes. "You just don't think about anyone's feelings but your own, do you?"

"Look. I don't need a lecture from you. I've been enjoying the last two months lecture free," Ruthie rolled her eyes. _With the exception of Kevin, _Ruthie remembered, though he hadn't really lectured her. She moved over to the door, ready to make a run for it. She turned around and huffed, "And I don't know everything before everyone else. I'm not in on Simon and probably Matt's secret." She turned around to make a run for it, but Lucy reached for and grabbed her shoulder.

"Wait." Lucy instructed. "I-I'm sorry, Ruthie. What are you talking about? Simon and Matt have a secret?"

Ruthie closed her eyes. She opened them and came face to face with her concerned sister's look. Lucy gazed into Ruthie's eyes looking for answers. Ruthie shook her head and twisted her hair a little. "It's probably nothing," she murmured. "Or at least that's what Matt said… he said if Simon didn't tell us, then we probably weren't supposed to know."

"That doesn't sound like Matt," Lucy quickly observed. Ruthie rolled her eyes. Lucy was thinking the same thing Ruthie was. "What are you talking about, though?"

Ruthie sighed, sitting on Lucy and Kevin's bed. "The day that Rebekah was born, the Colonel called. He talked to Simon, but not anyone else. When we asked Simon what he wanted, he said that the Colonel was just explaining why he and Grandma couldn't be here. He said that the weather had been bad in Buffalo – and, well, Sarah's mom called a relative up in Buffalo who said that the weather had been nice for days…"

Lucy let out a sigh, she sat next to Ruthie. Her eyes showed worry. "Something has to be wrong," she whispered. "But why would the Colonel tell Simon?"

"I don't know. Simon told the Colonel about Rebekah," Ruthie told Lucy.

Lucy nodded. "I wondered who did. He sent us a card with a hunk of cash in it…"

Ruthie twirled her hair as she sat next to her older sister. Her only sister left. They sat for the following moments, just thinking. "Lucy," Ruthie finally whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Can I – uh – tell you something that you won't freak out about?" Ruthie asked hopefully.

"Yeah, sure," Lucy told her. "You can tell me anything. You're my sister. I don't know why people seem to think they have to _hide _things from me. I'm a minister – I'm supposed to listen to people's problems. I really wish people would realize that." She let out a sigh.

"This…well, it's not a problem anymore," she murmured. She looked into her sister's pale blue eyes. "Lucy," she started, "when you were my age did you ever…consider doing it?"

"Doing it?" Lucy asked as she looked back at Ruthie. "You mean…?"

"Having sex," Ruthie finished.

Lucy's eyes widened like she hadn't seen that coming. "Is that it, are you or were you considering having – sex?" she asked. "Ruthie, after growing up in this house, I think you know that you should wait."

"That's not what I asked," Ruthie told her sister. "I asked if _you _had ever considered having sex before you were married."

Lucy nodded, sighing. "If I said no, I would be lying – and I shouldn't lie. I did consider it." She saw the inquisitive look on Ruthie's face and quickly added, "But I didn't! Kevin was my first. Although, there was a time when I was fifteen or sixteen when it was all I could think about." She let out a sigh, "I had just started dating an older guy…and I had convinced him to take me to MacArthur's Point – it was this place where teens our age would go to – you know: have sex." Ruthie's eyes widened, she hadn't heard this story before. Lucy sighed, "Anyone, before we could do anything – Matt barged in and he made me get in the car with him." She smiled weakly and laughed a little, "I was so pissed at him, but now I'm so glad he saved me. I remember how in vengeance I told him about a co-ed sleepover Mary was at." She sighed again, "I could have made the biggest mistake of my life. Ruthie, it's worth it to wait. It may not seem like it is now, but believe me – it is."

Ruthie closed her eyes sighing. "Well," she started, "I didn't have a big brother to save me – or a sister."

Lucy's eyes widened, taking the hint. "You—have already…?"

Ruthie nodded and sighed. "Kevin wants me to tell you before you hear it through the grapevine. Lucy, before the accident…before the accident, I was pregnant. I—lost the baby in the accident."

Lucy sprung off the bed. "You were _what_? Ruthie what on Earth! I—I can't believe you, Ruthie. I thought you knew better. I mean, yes, I know I have a teen mother's house and I'm supportive of them. I just thought my sister would know better." Then her eyes squinted and she looked at Ruthie in a funny way. "Wait a second. Is this why Mary fled? Did you two plan the accident together?"

Ruthie shot off the bed furiously. She got up in her sister's face, "I can't believe my own _sister _would think that I was cruel enough to _risk my own life _to kill my unborn child! Are you mad?"

Lucy shook her head. "I'm sorry—I just had to ask."

"You along with ninety-eight percent of this town. That's what everyone is saying," Ruthie cried. "I—I didn't. I didn't kill my own baby. The accident was an accident." Tears started to roll down her cheeks. Lucy's eyes also started to tear up.

"Ruthie—I—I don't know what to say. I'm in shock," Lucy whispered. "You're my baby sister…"

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah. I'm your only sister, you mean. Oh yeah, there's one last thing….T-Bone had HIV. But don't worry, he apparently contracted it _after _we were together." Before Lucy could respond, she huffed out of the house and headed back to "their" house. She ran up the stairway in the kitchen to avoid running into everyone. Before she could make it to the attic stairway she heard a voice.

"Ruthie!"

She spun around and saw Sarah. Ruthie's eyes widened; she was one of the last persons she had expected to see. Sarah's face was glowing and her lips were a little swollen. She was still dressed in her work scrubs. "What are you doing here?" Ruthie asked quickly.

"I took the afternoon off to help Kevin and Lucy get settled in," Sarah told her. Her smile draped. "What's wrong Ruthie? You look like you've been crying."

Ruthie shook her head. "It's nothing. I just told Lucy everything." She sighed. "And Lucy knows about ... you know." Ruthie looked at Sarah's abdomen.

Sarah's eyes widened as she slowly placed her hand on her stomach. "You told her that? I thought we had an agreement." She rolled her eyes, "That will be the last time I share a secret with you."

"I didn't tell her!" Ruthie persisted with a tint of annoyance in her voice. "She already knew. You _are _showing. How far along are you now?"

Sarah sighed, "Fourteen weeks. You're right, I am. Aren't I? And Matt doesn't know, but I already told my mom – who surely told my dad. I guess it's time we break our news to the rest of the family." She raised her eyebrows, "I mean, I think Lucy was the only reason Matt didn't want to tell the rest of the family – but since she knows, I guess it doesn't matter."

Ruthie raised her eyebrow. "So, Matt doesn't know that you told your parents. What happened to your philosophy on secrets?"

Sarah winked. "Let's just say, sometimes it's not easy to practice what you preach." Ruthie sighed, knowing she meant. Hypocrites _prevailed_.

* * *

**Credits: **_Flashback – Two Funerals and a Weddin_g_ – Season 1_

_Mentioned: Let's Talk About Sex – Season 3 [Lucy and Jordan go to MacArthur's Point]_

**Author's Note:**It's not where I originally planned on ending – I wanted to be in October. Now, it's September. This just seemed like a good place to end. (:

Oh, and as many of you know: I leave for Florida a week from today. I'll be gone for two weeks. I'm going to try and get another update out before then - but I can't make any promises. I'm going to try and get some writing done while I'm in hotels - but then again, I can't promise that either. I will be checking my email daily on my phone, though. Also, I have Instant Messaging on my phone. Feel free to email/instant message me.


	28. Unwritten

Outside Heaven

Chapter 28

Unwritten

Three weeks passed. Matt and Sarah announced their news the same evening of Kevin and Lucy's return. Sarah had told Matt about telling her mother; he was still a little bitter with her for that. Nonetheless, everyone in the family seemed happy for Matt and Sarah.

On October eighth, Rebekah was given the "okay" to come home. The family shared excitement and a little fright. She was now six pounds and breathing on her own. Doctors were impressed; Bekah came home two weeks before her original due date. She was still small, but not much smaller than Savannah had been when she was born.

As for Cecilia, she was doing well. She often complained about her swollen ankles and the baby crunching her ribs. She was getting close to her due date. Cecilia was due literally any day by then, and looked like she could pop. Simon and she were both anxious and excited. In a way, they were both in disbelief that they would soon be parents. Neither of them could wait much longer to hold their little baby girl in their arms.

Annie was still in the coma ward at the Glen Oak Hospital. They had started to visit her less and less. When Rebekah was at the hospital, Lucy and Kevin would spend the majority of their days with her. They would always drop by Annie's room to see how she was doing. Nothing had changed. She was still the same as she had been three months ago when Ruthie had woken up. Matt and Sarah both checked in on her a little each day, only to realize the same. Ruthie had asked Matt and Sarah each of the odds of her "waking up." Neither of them would give her a straight answer. She assumed they were not good.

As for Ruthie; her scars were fading. If one was close enough, they could see the light scratches on her face. With a little cover up, they were invisible. Since Lucy had come home, home life was not enjoyable. Every dinner they shared with Kevin and Lucy, Ruthie would receive disgusted looks from her older sister. She really didn't the big deal; Lucy seemed to be the only one in their family – aside from probably her mother – who had a problem with her not being a virgin. Matt, Sarah, Simon, Cecilia, and Kevin didn't treat her any different than they had before the accident.

When Lucy was around and Ruthie was in the room with Savannah, she would grab Savannah and run out. Ruthie had been spending a lot of time lately taking care of the little ones with Matt, Sarah, Lucy, and Kevin were out. Now that Cecilia was getting close to her due date, she was spending a lot of time relaxing. Simon was given the, "Honey, do this" and "Honey, do that" orders. He was responsible for his expectant life, leaving Ruthie responsible of the little kids.

Ruthie could tell Lucy didn't want her around Savannah. She never said anything _direct _to Ruthie when others were around. She gave her looks only Ruthie would understand.

The afternoon before Bekah came home, Lucy and Kevin returned home from the hospital earlier than normal. Ruthie was sitting in the living room with Savannah, Jacob, and Noah. She was helping Savannah fill in a Mickey Mouse puzzle_. _Jacob and Noah, being sixteen months, were more fascinated with grabbing the pieces and placing them in their mouths. The pieces were soft, so they were not a danger to the boys.

Abruptly, the front door opened and Lucy and Kevin entered. Their faces were wide with smiles, but when Lucy saw Savannah and Ruthie her face draped. She rushed over and grabbed her Savannah. As she grabbed Savannah, Simon was walking down the stairs. "You guys are home early," he observed.

"My little girl's coming home!" Lucy chirped. "Savannah, your baby sister is going to come home tomorrow."

"Yay!" Savannah happily clapped her hands.

Ruthie opened her mouth to offer her congratulations, but Lucy gave her a_, "Hmph" _as if she didn't want to hear her speak. Lucy made a rush to the kitchen with Savannah. Ruthie rolled her eyes, looking at Simon and Kevin.

Simon gave Kevin a confused look. "What's up with her?" Kevin shrugged. Simon placed his hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Anyway, that's great," he said, "When is she coming home?"

"Tomorrow morning," Kevin smiled weakly. "I'm happy. I can't wait to have all three of my girls home. Though, I admit I'm a little nervous. She's still so small – only six pounds. Savannah was eight pounds when she was born. At least she's off the monitor, I admit, that's what I was most afraid of bringing home."

"I'm sure she'll be fine," Simon grinned. He looked over at Ruthie. "And Ruthie and I will be here to help you guys out as much as possible." _Yeah, like Lucy will let me near that baby, _Ruthie rolled her eyes.

"That is so kind of you, Simon," Kevin commented. "With having a baby of your own on the way, you've been so kind."

Simon shrugged. "It's the least I can do. You're my family." He raised his eyebrow toward Ruthie and added, "I think we need to start _acting _more like a family. Like we did when Dad was alive and we were younger."

Ruthie rolled her eyes and jotted out of the room into the kitchen. The two, almost three, year old was sitting in her booster seat in the kitchen. Lucy had given her an ice cream bar. Ruthie glanced over at the clock, it was nearly one. They had only eaten lunch an hour ago. She sighed, rolling her eyes. Lucy would give Savannah anything she wanted – even if she had just eaten.

"She just ate an hour ago," Ruthie spoke.

"So?" Lucy snapped. "She's my daughter, not yours. Let me worry about her."

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Why can't you just let it go? You don't have to make a big scene in front of _everyone _all the time. If you have something to say to me _say to my face_!" She crossed her arms and looked away from her sister towards her niece whose face was covered with chocolate ice cream.

"Let's not do this in front of Savannah," Lucy said bitterly, crinkling her forehead. Savannah looked up at her mother with curiosity. Lucy suddenly picked up her daughter, whom was still holding the messy ice cream bar.

"Come on, Sweetie, let's take you back to the living room so I can talk to your aunt," Lucy said quietly, giving Ruthie an evil glare. She disappeared into the living room, returning only moments later. Ruthie remained standing near the island counter, shifting her weight on it with her elbow.

When Lucy returned, she crossed her arms and moved close to Ruthie. Their noses were practically touching. "So?" Ruthie finally said. "What do you have to say to me?"

Lucy rolled her eyes. "I don't know _what _to say to you – other than you've turned into nothing but a _slut_. You're a bad influence on my daughter. I don't want you around her or any other children. Of course, I can't speak for Matt and Sarah. Of course, you're buddies with both of them, so whatever."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Ruthie snapped. "I am not _buddies _with anyone. What happened to this thing called _family_? Matt is my brother, and Sarah's my sister-in-law and they happen to be more understanding than you."

"What makes you think that?" Lucy asked. In her defense, she argued, "That's not true, Ruthie. There's _nothing _you can't talk to me about. I'm a minister. You're supposed to be able to talk to _me_."

"How can I talk to you when you're like this?" Ruthie rolled her eyes. "You fucking bitch. I'm _not _a slut just because I'm not a virgin. And you call yourself a minister. A minister is supposed to be non-judgmental. Fuck you." She stormed up the stairs, leaving Lucy in the kitchen stupefied.

She hadn't spoken directly to her sister since that day. Lucy was now bitterer with her than ever before. When Rebekah came home, Lucy made sure that Ruthie had little to no contact with both girls. She had gotten the chance to hold Rebekah once when Lucy was napping and Kevin was with the kids in the living room.

Ruthie was still in disbelief that she had called her sister a _fucking bitch_. She didn't like to use such language, but sometimes, just got so pissed off that she couldn't control it. Lucy always knew exactly how to piss her off. At least she wouldn't have to put up with it for too much longer. Simon and Cecilia had both made it _official _that she would be traveling with them to London after their baby was born.

She had yet to tell Peter and any of her other _friends_ – in other words, Meredith. Peter and Meredith were the only ones who came to see her regularly. She still talked to Mac occasionally, but mostly on Facebook. Also, she was still in contact with Lynn and a few friends from Scotland over Facebook. Actually, she had told one of her Scotland friends about moving to London. They were excited; at least she would be on the European continent. Surely it wouldn't be that long of a flight to make a visit to Scotland. She had yet to look that up.

Two days after Bekah came home, Cecilia went into labor. It was the middle of the night. Matt was at the hospital delivering a baby; the rest of the family was asleep. Kevin, Lucy, and their girls were over at their house. Ruthie was sitting on her laptop playing _Farmville _into the wee hours of the night – past one in the morning. She never used to play Facebook games a lot, but lately she had been getting into them. With no school, and her friends so busy, she had been bored to death.

She heard a loud scream from below. Immediately, she ditched her laptop and raced downstairs. By the time she got down there, she saw Sam and David standing by the doorway to Simon and Cecilia's room. They were both wearing their Superman pajamas. Sam saw her walk down the stairs, "Cecilia's having her baby."

David rolled his eyes. "I don't get why she has to scream so loud. I was _asleep_. Now we're going to get no sleep tonight!"

"Cecilia won't have her baby here," Ruthie assured them. "Just go back to bed. I'm sure Simon will take her to the hospital."

"But she's _screaming_. We can't sleep while she's screaming," Sam rubbed his eyes yawning. "It's not fair, why does everyone have to have stupid babies in our family? As if there aren't enough already."

"I know, what's so great about babies? All they do is poop, pee, and cry," David added. "They're not even _cute_. Rebekah's kind of creepy looking. She looks like a troll." Rebekah's skin pigment was different than normal babies. Doctors said it was because her lungs were not fully developed when she was born. Her skin would always be a little yellow, apparently. If her skin got too yellow, though, they told Lucy and Kevin to rush her to the hospital immediately. That was a sign of an infection.

"I wonder why no one in our family uses _birth control_," Sam rolled his eyes. _Birth control? He's eight. _Ruthie pondered where Sam had heard about birth control.

"_OWWW!" _Cecilia's screeching voice rang in their ears.

"Take a deep breath, you're going to be fine," Sarah assured her, her voice trembled and she sounded nervous.

Ruthie cracked the door room open. "What's going on?" she whispered. Simon was; holding his wife's hand, and Sarah was dialing rapidly on her cell phone. Cecilia was lying on the bed with her legs spread. "Are you going to the hospital?"

"She's too far," Sarah informed her. Ruthie took note to her black-laced night gown; with it on her small baby bump was invisible. Her curly dark hair was let down; dark circles were around her eye lids. She looked exhausted. "She's already dilated ten centimeters. I can't get her to the hospital in time. I'm trying to get a hold of Matt, but he's not answering."

"What?" Ruthie gasped. "How did this happen?" She looked back in forth between Simon and Cecilia. She had always thought that the birthing process was a long process, especially with firstborns.

"Apparently, I've been having contractions all day. I thought it was just false labor again, but it was real…_OW_…and then my water broke about an hour ago…_OWWWWW_…" Cecilia gripped Simon's hand.

Sarah clicked off of her phone one last time. "Did you try what's-his-face…Jonathan?" Ruthie asked. "He's an OB-GYN."

"_OWWW!"_

"I think he took Sandy to his father's condo this weekend," Simon told them. "At least, I think that's what I heard Lucy saying earlier." Ruthie shuttered at the mention of her _beloved _sister's name.

"Mom, Dad," Cecilia whimpered. "I want my parents."

"They're on their way," Simon stroked his wife's hair and pressed a damp wash cloth against her forehead.

Ruthie looked at Sarah in panic. "You're a doctor! Do something!"

"All I can do is: deliver the baby," Sarah said quietly. She turned to Sam and David, still behind. "Can you two go get me some towels – preferably dark – from the bathroom?" Sam and David sulked a little, but nonetheless obeyed the orders of their sister-in-law.

She turned to Ruthie. "Ruthie, go downstairs and let in Cecilia's parents." Ruthie sighed, running downstairs. They had forgotten two people: Lucy and Kevin. Ruthie closed her eyes, shuttering at the thought of what Lucy would say when she found out that they hadn't gone to get them.

Ruthie flipped the outside light on so Mr. and Mrs. Smith could see their way when they arrived. The lights in the hall way were already on; she had also turned the lights in the living room on. She could still hear the screaming and wailing from upstairs coming from Cecilia. Only about five minutes later, she saw a car park on the side of the road. Cecilia's mother and father both swung their doors open, running up to meet Ruthie at the door. Behind them, Ruthie saw a familiar face. _Meredith. _

"Where is she?" George Smith immediately asked, seeing Ruthie.

"Is it really too late?" Gwen asked. "She can't be that far dilated already. It's her first child. I was in labor with Cecilia for eighteen hours!"

"That's what Sarah says, and she's a doctor. I would trust her," Ruthie assured.

"But she's not an OB-GYN. Where's her husband, your brother… Matt, isn't it?" George asked, looking up at the sky.

"I don't care," Gwen said. "I'm going to my daughter. She needs me." Ruthie pointed to the stairs and both Gwen and George began racing up the steps. Ruthie followed them up the steps.

When they got in the room, Cecilia's legs were spread open. Simon was still dabbing the cold wash cloth on his wife's face and holding her right hand. "Mom!" Cecilia gasped. Gwen raced over to her daughter's bedside and wrapped her arm around her.

"I'm here for you," she told her. "It's going to be okay, baby, everything will be fine. I promise."

George turned to Sarah, who was putting on plastic gloves. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" he asked her. "You have delivered a baby before, right? Please tell me you know what you're doing."

"I may not be an OB-GYN, but yes, I have delivered a couple of babies. It was part of our required training," Sarah sighed, sounding a little annoyed. She added, "I've also been on Cecilia's side of the bed." Sarah placed her hand on her small swollen stomach. George raised his eyebrow, still looking a little uncertain.

The towels had been placed under Cecilia's legs, which were spread open. _"OWWWW, OOOOW," _Cecilia's screams echoed. Her face was beet read and sweat was dripping from her face. No matter how many times Simon dabbed her face, the sweat kept on dripping. Her hair also appeared drenched, as if she had just gotten out of a pool of water.

Ruthie, Sam, and David were standing at the doorway. "Can one of you go get me Matt's spare black medical bag?" Sarah asked in a rushed voice. "It's sitting on top of the dresser in our room. But be quiet, Jake and Noah are still sleeping…surprisingly. They're such deep sleepers."

Sam and David stared at each other. "You do it," Sam told David.

"No, you," David threw back.

Ruthie rolled her eyes and sighed, "I'll do it." Sarah smiled graciously back at Ruthie. Ruthie ran into the next door bedroom. After she entered, she started to tip-toe. The twins' deep groggy breathing could be heard from the minute she entered the room. Their eyes were still pinned shut as they slumbered.

Immediately, she noticed the black bag sitting on the dresser. She reached for it and swiftly turned around to make a clean break-a-way. Just as her legs stretched for the door, she heard a scream behind her. It was not Cecilia's. The twins had awoken.

"Waaaaaaaah!" both of the boys were crying. At the doorway, she twisted her head behind her neck. Both boys were standing up with tears streaming from their faces. She sighed and ignored them, proceeding back to the room next door.

The door was now shut and Sam and David were standing out of it. "This is nasty," Sam stated.

"It's really nasty in there," David agreed with his brother. "You don't want to go in there." The crying from the room Ruthie had just exited echoed into the hallway.

"Did Cecilia have the baby?" Sam asked.

Ruthie rolled her eyes at their childishness. She pushed the door into Simon and Cecilia's room and handed the bag to Sarah, whom was coaxing Cecilia. "Thanks Ruthie, you're a life saver." she sighed, "We don't have a lot time, I hear Jake and Noah…"

"I've got them," Ruthie said immediately. "Don't worry." She took note to the stressful expression on her elder brother's face. Here he was, about to be a father. He looked as if he was enduring as much pain as his wife; which was shown by his apple red face with sweat dripping from it. Ruthie turned around quickly and headed out of the room, where Sam and David still stood. She sighed, "Why don't you two just go back to bed?"

"We already told you! There is too much noise!" David rolled his eyes. _Not the eye roll, they're eight. _Then again, she too had given her parents the eye roll at eight.

"Go over to Lucy and Kevin's," Ruthie suggested out of the blue. "Let them know what is going on, okay?"

"Mom said we're not allowed out at night alone," Sam protested.

"Mom's not here," Ruthie told them, winking. The twin brothers made eye contact and seemed to come to a consensus. They ran down the stairs.

Afterward, Ruthie headed into the room where the screaming toddlers were. She reached for Jake, then Noah and held them each in her arm. A rocking chair that Sarah would rock them to bed in each night sat in the corner of the room. She made her way for it. Sitting down, she cuddled both boys in her arms. Through the wall, she could still hear Cecilia's shrieks. Continuously, she rocked the sleepy babies back and forth. Both boys had their thumbs in their mouths. Their eyes started to droop shut again within moments. So did hers.

Despite the shrieking from the next room, Ruthie found herself dozing off with Jacob and Noah. She soon was in a dreamless sleep. The next thing she knew, the door had busted open. Her eyes groggily opened and Sam and David's figures came into focus. The boys both had grins on their faces, which was shocking enough for her.

"Cecilia had the baby!" Sam chirped.

Ruthie blinked her eyes several times in a row. Her eyes and ears both adjusted to being awake. _Cecilia had the baby; _is what he had said. A scratchy sound of a crying baby filled her ears. Slowly, she looked down at the toddlers she held. Both were still asleep. The crying was coming from the room next to them.

"The ambulance just got here to take Cecilia and the baby to the hospital!" David added. "She's all bloody! You should come see her."

She blinked several more times. Her head ached, and the clock across the room read _4:45_. Three hours had passed since she had first heard Cecilia's shrieks. Without warning, Sam surprised her by taking Noah out of her right arm. The toddler stirred a little, but did not awake. Ruthie shifted Jacob to her right arm, which his brother had just shared. Then she remembered; _Kevin and Lucy. _"Did you guys go over to Kevin and Lucy's?"

The eight-year-old twins stared at each other, shrugging. They looked back at her. "Yes," they both said at the same time. Their faces both turned a little pale. _Oh no, what now? _

"What happened?" Ruthie demanded.

"Well," Sam started. "We went over there and knocked on the door."

"Lucy and Kevin were sleeping, but Kevin answered the door," David continued.

"And we told them Cecilia was having the baby."

"Since Savannah and Rebekah were sleeping in the house, Lucy said they couldn't both come over because they couldn't be left alone."

"We offered to watch them."

"But Lucy said no. She said we're too young."

"Kevin suggested that Lucy should stay over with the kids, that Sarah might need his help."

"Lucy argued, saying that she should be there for the birth of the birth of her niece…" The twins looked at each other again. "You tell her," David said.

"No, I don't want to!" Sam protested. "You should."

David rolled his eyes. "Well, they started arguing… and they woke up Savannah and Rebekah. Both were crying and Lucy said a bad word to Kevin blaming him. I'm not going to repeat it, so Kevin got Savannah and Lucy got Rebekah. They came over here with both girls. The baby was just about to be born then. So, Lucy came in the room and Sarah was just about to deliver the baby. Lucy told Sarah she had no business delivering the baby because she's not a genealogist" _They mean 'gynecologist', right? _Ruthie chuckled a little to herself.

"Sarah asked her if she'd rather have someone with no medical background deliver the baby."

"And Lucy said that she was more qualified to deliver the baby."

_What? _Ruthie gasped.

"So Cecilia started freaking out demanding that Lucy leave, because Sarah was doing fine. Lucy got in Cecilia's face. Simon threatened to call the cops _on his sister _if she didn't stop disturbing the birth of his daughter …" Sam met eyes with his twin. "You tell her."

"Then Lucy slapped Simon! And Simon slapped her back. Kevin finally came in the room. You see, he was downstairs getting Savannah a drink of water because she was thirsty and cranky. So, he came in and escorted Lucy out of the house. We don't know where she is now."

"The end," they both said at once. _They always had to end with 'the end', _Ruthie sighed, rolling her eyes. Her sister had truly turned into a reckless mess. Both of her sisters had. Between Mary and Lucy, they had a way of making her look _sane_, amazingly enough. Yet, she was the _slut_, according to Lucy. Maybe she was, but Ruthie didn't care any longer. Ruthie was going to be who she wanted to be – herself.

Life around the Camden residence didn't get any better after Madelyn – whom soon became _Madi _– was born. If anything, it became more hectic. Matt had called only moments after Sam and David had announced the events of those wee hours of the morning. His cell phone had died, thus he did not receive any of his messages until he had gotten to his car where his charger was. Sarah had also left a message with the hospital, but they had only just told him that his wife had called after he had delivered the baby. He was a little irritated with the hospital staff for that, but it wasn't like he could have just left his patient to run home. Also, he was the only OB-GYN on call at the hospital. Cecilia's doctor was home sick with the flu. _So much for 'conflict of interest'; _Ruthie had decided. In their defense, Matt and Sarah claimed _emergencies _did not count. And that had been an emergency.

Matt felt terrible for not being there, but he was proud of his wife; and very disappointed with his sister. Now, not only was Lucy at odds with Ruthie, but she was at odds with Matt and Sarah. Matt had given Lucy a _long _spieling lecture after he had caught wind of what she had done. _"What were you thinking? You have no experience in the medical field. What is your problem?"_

In her defense, Lucy had claimed that it was almost four in the morning. She was not thinking straight, thus, making her crazy. _It doesn't take the early hours of the morning to make Lucy crazy, _Ruthie recalled to herself. Afterward, Matt had stopped speaking to Lucy. They had started seeing less and less of her. She was spending more and more time at the house with her daughters. She wouldn't allow the rest of the family to be around Savannah or Rebekah. Kevin just tagged along with her, like he was afraid of her wrath. He was such a follower, and it disgusted Ruthie.

Two weeks passed, and Simon and Cecilia were preparing to head for London. At two weeks, Madi had grown so much. The little girl looked just like her mother with her light streaks of straight blonde hair and blue eyes. She was a little cutie.

Simon and Cecilia were working on letting Ruthie be close to Madi. Ruthie had a feeling part of the reason they wanted her to head to London with them was so she could be their live-in babysitter. Honestly, she didn't care. She would take any offer that got her away from the wrath of Lucy. Unfortunately, she had to leave her older brother and sister-in-law. She didn't want to say goodbye to Matt and Sarah, but she knew she would see them at Christmas. Lately, she had had a rush of hope, believing it would all work out in the end. Something just felt right about leaving the states.

She had left breaking the news to Peter to the last minute. Meredith had found out without Ruthie willingly told her. Cecilia had told her parents, whom had passed the information along to Meredith. It didn't really matter, it saved her the trouble. At first, Meredith was a little sad, but even she agreed it would be best for Ruthie. She had said Ruthie needed an escape from the Glen Oak lifestyle. It would be good for her to be across the world with her older brother, sister-in-law, and niece.

Ruthie had known Peter wouldn't take the news so lightly. It was the day before they were set to leave that she had built up the courage to tell him. She had volunteered to take him to dinner and a movie, for old time's sake. Ruthie remembered back only a few years ago when Peter and she would do so nearly every weekend.

The whole time, he clung to her hand in public – as though they were a couple. Ruthie gathered the feeling that Peter had come to the conclusion that they were more than friends. She wasn't sure if she felt the same way. If she did, she knew it wouldn't be so easy for her to leave him behind. When she looked at Peter, she felt a friendship. At one time, when she was thirteen, looking into his eyes had caused sparks to fly off in her heart. She didn't get that feeling anymore.

His lips pressed tightly against hers after the move. They were sitting outside the front porch alone. It was past one, and everyone had gone to bed. Sometimes Ruthie missed having a father to spy on her. Her siblings didn't spy on her; they let her do her own thing.

Finally, she said, "Peter, I have to tell you something."

He kissed her again. "What is that?"

She let out a sigh. "Peter, I don't know how to tell this… I hope you're not going to be upset with me… but like Meredith told me, it's necessary."

His face showed confusion. "What do you mean? What could make me upset with you? Ruthie, nothing could. And Meredith? What does she have to do with anything?" He leaned over to kiss her again, but she jerked away.

"Peter, enough," she said quietly. "Peter, I'm moving to London with Simon, Cecilia, and Madi."

He froze, as if he had been on the Titanic when it sunk. At first, she thought his heart had stopped. Then, his eyes widened and his mouth dropped. He started to stutter, "W-W-What? Y-You can't! Ruthie, I-I think I love you." He slowly put his arm around her, causing her eyes to water up with the sound of those words.

"Peter," she whispered, "I like you a lot… as a friend, I might have even loved you. But, I don't know Peter… I need to get away. I still care about you, and we can still talk online. You know it as well as I do, I need to get away."

A tear started to roll down her cheeks and he stood. "I-I have to go," he whispered. And he was gone.

She left for Europe the following day without seeing a trace of Peter. Suddenly, she felt like she had lost another good guy. Somehow, she managed to turn all of the good ones away, choosing only the bad ones. Martin had wanted to be with her, and she had pushed him away to be with that ass T-Bone. _Martin pushed me away first, _Ruthie told herself_, it's different. _But it wasn't. He had other obligations, getting a woman pregnant. _He hadn't planned it. _Yet, he still wouldn't talk to her now even though he knew they were both clean.

Peter had left her too their freshman year of high school. Of course, he hadn't chosen for his father's job to move them across town. Still, he could have visited her more. She still didn't understand why he hadn't. He had gone from being at their house every day, to never. Then, he had come back like nothing had ever happened. Like he had never abandoned her.

This was all her past. Now, she was off to a new _world _to start a new life. Her future was unwritten. Anything could happen. _Anything. _Only time would tell. Though, even Ruthie knew her past would never be gone – it would always be there to haunt her. The question was: could the past affect the future when she was living thousands of miles away? Something told her the answer was: _yes_. Either way, she was unwritten. It was up to her to choose her path wisely.

_I am unwritten  
Can't read my mind  
I'm undefined_

_I'm just beginning  
The pen's in my hand  
Ending unplanned_

_Staring at the blank page before you  
Open up the dirty window  
Let the sun illuminate the words  
That you could not find_

**"_Unwritten", Natasha Bedingfield_**

* * *

**Author's Note: **Hello from Universal! I'm so glad I got this chapter done, I hope it's suitable. As tired as I am, I'm surprised I got it done while I was still in Florida. (I don't return home until July 18th for those of you who have not seen my profile). The weather was so _hot _today! It was like 100 degrees, which is the _only _reason this got done. (It was too hot to be outside). I hope you guys enjoyed! Review and I'll send some Butterbeer your way! (I guess I'm in the wrong section to be bribing that. Oh well, I'm sure some of you have to be Harry Potter fans (:) Just so you know: It's _after _this chapter the fun stuff happens. (No, it's not over – though this does seem a good place to end this story, no? Hah. Nope)


	29. Home for Christmas

Outside Heaven

Chapter 29

Home for Christmas

Life in London was far different from what Ruthie had expected. It was also a huge adjustment. They were living in a very small suburb – or borough, as they called them in London. Each day, Simon would travel into the city early in the morning for work. A month after they moved, Cecilia got a job at a local playgroup – or preschool. This left Ruthie alone for hours at a time with Madi.

She didn't mind it at all. In fact, she enjoyed it. Simon and Cecilia had begun to pay her five pounds an hour, or about seven and a half dollars. Honestly, she thought it was too much. She shouldn't have to be paid for something she _enjoyed_. Nonetheless, she didn't protest. It gave her a little spending cash for the weekends when Simon and Cecilia encouraged her to go out.

By now, she was already used to the metric system. In Scotland, she had gotten used to using kilometers instead of miles, and centimeters instead of inches and feet. In fact, it felt good to be able to use them again. She had become to like the metric system a whole lot more than the English system. Simon and Cecilia weren't adjusting quite so easily. They used her to translate all of the time.

Time passed, and Ruthie started to make a few friends. When they asked her about her past, she would pick and choose carefully with what she told them. She hadn't told anyone about T-Bone, about the baby, or about the accident. Her scars had faded, and she covered the little bit that was visible with cover up. Nobody had even questioned her on that.

However, she had told people that Simon was her brother; that she came from a family of seven children; she now had three nephews and four nieces at the age of seventeen; and most sadly, that her father whom was a minister had died only last May. Whenever she told people that, instantly, their faces would drape and they would utter, "I'm sorry." Her stomach turned upside down when they said those words; they made her want to keep that bit to herself. Yet, somehow, she somehow managed to always include that detail. One would have thought if she really didn't want sympathy she _would _keep it to herself. Since she didn't, did that mean _deep down _she wanted sympathy?

Come Thanksgiving, Ruthie had spent an entire month in London. Of course, in London, they did not celebrate Thanksgiving. In fact, she had forgotten that it was a United States holiday. The day before Thanksgiving 2007, she was hanging out at her friend Tilly's pad with Tilly and her cousin, Amelia. Since being in London, Ruthie had been leery to get close to any guys. Nonetheless, Tilly had taken Ruthie in as if she was her cousin too.

Tilly was eighteen and already living in her own pad. A pad was what the British called an apartment. Tilly had already gone through the British school program and was working off on her own. In England, people were not required to continue on in school after year eleven – or age sixteen. Tilly had quit school at sixteen, choosing not to continue on her education. Now, she was a bartender at a local bar. She had claimed that she could get Ruthie a job there in a heartbeat. Ruthie had politely declined; she was happy being there to take care of Madi. Maybe, she had told Tilly, when her niece was a little older she would consider on taking up on that offer.

Ruthie had been sitting at the island bar in Tilly's kitchen in between the two. Her hand was trembling around her small glass of Blossom Hill's wine. The drinking age in London itself was slightly confusing. Overall, it was eighteen – which she would be in less than a month. With an adult, minors were allowed to drink in restaurants where they served food. Still, Ruthie wasn't a big fan of alcohol – she only managed to sip down a bit when she was with Tilly. After all, she didn't want Tilly to think she was some sort of child.

Tilly's long, wavy red hair had been let down. Her father was Scottish; her mother English. Her hair and freckles had been inherited from her father's side of the family. At work, she always tied it up to keep it out of the food. When she came home, she liked to let down freely. She said that she felt freerwhen her hair was down.

Her freckly face was always glowing; Tilly's smile never faded, even after hours of work. She never failed at being the _life of the party_. Amelia, on the other hand, was more inhibited. She was Tilly's cousin on her mother's side and was pure English. Amelia had the most beautiful golden blonde hair. Her blue eyes twinkled in light; and her skin was as pale as sugar, practically. Amelia was a few months younger than Ruthie; she would be eighteen in March. She had just begun university the previous year. Since her parents had died in a car accident two years ago, she had been living with Tilly. Losing her parents hadn't slowed her down, but it had encouraged her further. Amelia had big aspirations; she wanted to become a doctor.

Ruthie sat her wine on the counter after beginning to feel a little buzz. For some reason, after only a couple drinks she would get that _buzz_. "So," she looked back and forth between Tilly and Amelia. "What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?"

Tilly seemed to be trying to hold back a laugh, but she did not succeed. She had just taken a drink of her drink when she burst out laughing. Soon, she was choking. Quickly, she set her drink down and grabbed her throat and swallowed. She took a deep breath, smiling at Ruthie who was blankly staring back at her in a daze. "You said you lived in Scotland for a semester, didn't you?" Tilly questioned.

"Yeah…" and then it hit her. She was in Europe; they didn't celebrate Thanksgiving. When she was in Scotland, she had lived on an American base with fellow Americans. She had planned to go skiing with the other Americans on base, but those plans had been shot when her parents showed up to drag her home. _Eek, _her throat clotted up as she remembered how selfishly she had protested on going home. Now, both of her parents were _gone_. _Mom's not gone yet, _she reminded herself, but she had bad feeling when it came to her mother.

Her face was flushing red. Tilly took note and grinned wider. "Don't worry; we won't hold it against you. We understand you're American," Tilly joked in her strong British accent. Whenever Ruthie would speak out something _blonde_, Tilly would use the_, "Don't worry; we understand that you're American." _At first, Ruthie had found it somewhat offending. Now, she found it amusing - and a pretty darn good excuse.

"Well," Ruthie said, her face still felt hot. "My brother, sister-in-law, and I are having a small Thanksgiving at our home. I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you joined us. That is, if you would like to enjoy a home cooked Thanksgiving meal." She shrugged a little as she invited them.

Tilly smiled looking at Amelia. "That is really kind of you to invite us," she said quietly. "But we couldn't impose. It is your holiday after all."

"You wouldn't be imposing," Ruthie assured. "You would be our guests."

"I have to work tomorrow," Tilly had told her and turned to Amelia. "And she has a big test tomorrow, don't you?"

"It's in the morning," Amelia said, then took note to her cousin's stern look. "Yeah, and it'll probably take me about four or five hours. Sorry, we'd love to come but like Tilly said, we can't."

Ruthie frowned with disappointment.

Simon, Cecilia, Ruthie, and one-month-old Madi enjoyed a quiet Thanksgiving at their home with Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and corn on the cob. It was nice to have a holiday without drama; just family and food. There was no Lucy to complain about petty little things like not getting to cook the Thanksgiving dinner; in a way, it felt awkward. Martin was not there to break heart-wrenching news to her like he had that one Thanksgiving. The one her life had changed forever_, "Sandy and I are having a baby." _The thought made her choke as she tried to forget – like that would ever happen. _Sandy ruined Martin_. She tried to push the thought away. _This is my life, my new life – it doesn't need a Martin in it. _

She was beginning to miss Matt and Sarah, though. On Thanksgiving evening, Ruthie talked to them both on Skype. Sarah was twenty-four weeks – just six months – pregnant now, and showing. Matt and Sarah had recently moved out of the Camden house into a good-sized four bedroom home a few blocks away. With them, they had taken Sam, David, and their boys. The house had just enough room for the four boys and their baby on the way.

Lucy and Kevin were letting a homeless couple and their two children live in their house, and they had moved into the Church's home with Savannah and Rebekah. She was now working side-by-side with Chandler Hampton at the Glen Oak Community Church. Surprisingly, the congregation had not forced her out yet. Matt had hinted that he figured the congregation was afraid to. After all, her father had been their minister for over thirty years.

Matt and Sarah didn't see much of Lucy now. Whenever they did, Lucy – in particular – was haughty with them. She had told Kevin it was Matt being smug to her. Kevin was stuck in the middle of it all, as usual. He wanted to please his wife, even though he knew she was wrong

When Ruthie asked if they knew the baby's gender, Matt and Sarah had insisted on waiting. "You'll be home for Christmas," they insisted, "We'll tell you then." Ruthie sighed, in disappointment. Then, there were three weeks until Christmas. It felt too long.

Over the upcoming weeks, Ruthie spent her days on the same schedule: baby-sitting, eating, sleeping, and hanging out with Tilly and Amelia. The days went faster than she had planned, which excited her.

Her eighteenth birthday came and went. Simon had taken the day off to take her out to eat that day. Then, she had gone out and spent the night clubbing with Tilly. When she came home at two in the morning, it was only six in the evening in California. She spoke with Matt and Sarah again into the wee hours of the morning. Meredith had also signed on wishing her happy birthday – though it wasn't her birthday anymore in London.

She hadn't heard from Peter since she had left Glen Oak. He hadn't deleted her on Facebook, though. She would read his updates every now and then; from the sounds of it, he was very busy with his senior year. Ruthie couldn't help but look to see if he was in a relationship. She couldn't find any signs of one.

Her Facebook account was cluttered with _Happy Birthday_ posts. She scrolled through every single one of them. Matt, Sarah, Simon, and Cecilia had even bothered to type her _Happy Birthday _on Facebook. She read messages from several of her friends from Scotland, Tilly, Amelia, and even some of Tilly's friends that had added her. Meredith, Margaret, Kelly, and Mac had all sent her message. Mac's message made her chuckle.

_Happy b-day Ruthie! Hope you're having a blast. Have a few drinks for me, okay? So not fair that you're legal before me…and you're two years younger! Hmph. _

Mac had just turned twenty in November. He still had a good year before he was _legal _in the United States.

There were no messages from Peter or Martin. Her heart sulked, yet she told herself that she did not care. Deep down, even she knew she did.

The day before she was scheduled to head back to Glen Oak with Simon and Cecilia, Tilly had treated Ruthie out to a club. They had spent the night dancing and having a pretty good time. It was that night she met Cedric; a dark brown haired, green eyed, nineteen-year-old British college student. He was a University student at Middlesex University.

Her heart had stopped when she laid eyes on him. That night, they had spent the whole evening together having a blast. It was the first time she had had fun in a _long _time with someone of the opposite sex.

To her shock, the night had ended with a goodnight kiss and her giving him her phone number. "It's too bad you have to leave tomorrow," he had told her as he stroked her hair in front of Simon and Cecilia's house. "We just met," his voice soothed in her ear as his nose touched hers. "I wish we could get to know each other better."

"Yeah," she whispered, "me too."

"You could stay here for Christmas," he suggested.

She took her head. "I can't. I miss my other older brother, my little brothers, and my nieces and nephews…" _I don't miss Lucy, _she decided_, or Mary. _Neither Simon nor Cecilia had mentioned Mary since they had arrived in London. Ruthie assumed nothing had changed; she figured she might die in shock if Mary showed up for Christmas.

He let out a sigh. "It's too bad they just couldn't all come here."

She nodded. "They can't. My other brother and sister-in-law are doctors, so they can't just up and leave their patients to come out here."

He let out a sigh, wrapping his arms around her. His lips soon touched hers. A feeling tingled throughout her body; a feeling she had only felt once before – when she was thirteen years old. His eyes gazed into hers, and she didn't want to say goodbye. She had to. He waved her goodnight, saying that he would call her every day while she was in the States.

The next morning, she caught the seven o'clock flight with Simon, Cecilia, and Madi for Glen Oak. Though it was seven o'clock in England, it would only be nine o'clock ten hours later when they landed in California. Time zones fascinated Ruthie, despite knowing she would be exhausted come the end of their flight. It would feel like it should be five o'clock at night – dinner time – but, really, it would only be breakfast time.

She dozed on and off through most of the trip, trying to catch up on her sleep. Somehow, Ruthie had a feeling she would not get much sleep once she landed in California. Her energy would really drain once she had to encounter Lucy again. Ruthie swallowed at the thought of Lucy. She found herself dreading her. Lucy wasn't the only person she dreaded seeing. _Peter_, she sighed in remembrance. She figured he had broken his heart; how could he forgive her. _I have Cedric now, _she told herself. The thought made her chuckle. She had spent _one _night with him, yet somehow, she felt as if _he _were the one.

Only two hours into the flight, Ruthie's phone vibrated. Excitingly, she pulled out her cell phone. _New Text Message from 071-555-2223_; immediately she recognized it as an inner-London area code. Anxiously, she read the text. _"Hey, Ruthie – how's your flight? I miss you already__."_

Her heart fluttered as she composed a reply, _"I miss you too__: the flight's fine, thanks for asking. How are you?" _She pressed send. For the remainder of the flight she found herself texting until her phone was dead. Right before it died, she quickly text_, "Phone dying…ttyl." _Moments after the text sent, her phone shut off. Sighing, she held her cell phone close to her heart. At that time, it was the only connector between her and her possible true love.

A couple hours later they landed in Glen Oak, California once again. It was hard to believe it was only two months ago they had left. Somehow, it felt longer. Her time in London had seemed never ending. When she was with Tilly, time seemed to be at a standpoint. It was like time no longer _mattered_.

Her spirits lifted when she saw her eldest brother waving at her in the distance. He was holding a seventeen month old boy whom had grown at least five inches since Ruthie had last seen him. The three, with Cecilia holding two-month-old Madi, pushed through the crowd of people toward him. As they got closer, Sarah came into visibility. In her arms was another little guy. He hadn't grown as much as his brother; maybe two or three inches. The fraternal-likeness in the boys was beginning to show. Between them, were two more familiar faces: Sam and David.

While grinning, Matt wrapped his free arm around Ruthie. Sarah did the same. "We've missed you," she said. Ruthie took note to her growing stomach; now that she was at twenty-seven weeks; officially seven months.

After Matt and Sarah let go, Sam and David took their turns with hugs. They wrapped their arms around Ruthie, then Simon, and finally Cecilia.

"So?" Ruthie asked turning her attention toward Matt and Sarah. "Boy or girl?"

Matt and Sarah both laughed. Ruthie stared wide-eyed at them, waiting. Sarah smiled, "We knew that would be the first question you asked."

"And, you're going to have to wait," Matt added, looking back and forth between Ruthie and Simon. Ruthie took note to Simon's same curious look. "We'll tell everyone tonight."

_Who is "everyone"? _Ruthie wondered. She had assumed that she would be forced to share the holiday with Lucy. Despite her feelings toward her family, Lucy would insist on sharing the holiday with her family. Ruthie figured, only to torture them.

But who else would be there? _Mary? _Ruthie shuttered, doubting so. _The Petrowski Family? Roxanne and Chandler? Sandy and Jonathan? _She tasted stomach acid with the thought of that last one. _Martin_, she shivered. Maybe he wouldn't be around; she hoped. It had been five months since she had last spoken to him; she still didn't have the nerve or the desire.

"Where are we staying?" Ruthie suddenly asked, realizing Matt and Sarah only had one extra room and the Church's home – where Lucy and Kevin were living – had more.

Simon placed his hand on Ruthie's shoulder. "Cecilia's parents have graciously welcomed us all to stay with them. They have an extra bedroom, and then there's Cecilia's old room which Cecilia said you can have."

Ruthie gave them an uncertain look. "There's enough room? I mean, with the Davies children staying there and all?"

Cecilia smiled kindly at Ruthie. "Well, Meredith and Kelly bunk together, and Christina joins them when she comes over. My parents have turned the basement into a bedroom for Danny, which leaves a guest room and my old room."

Matt smirked a little, and started to add, "Unless you'd rather—."

"No thanks," Simon said quickly, looking at his wife and sister. Both nodded in agreement.

Ruthie let out a sigh of relief. She wouldn't have to sleep in the same house as her older sister after all. She would only have to deal with her for holiday meals and whatever else they had planned. _The Nativity? _Ruthie wondered if that was still a go.

Matt frowned toward Simon, "However, we do have to go over to Lucy and Kevin's now. There's something we all need to discuss." He looked somberly toward Ruthie. Her head spun; she didn't like that look. _What's wrong? Is it the Colonel? _She remembered the phone call that Simon had gotten several months ago; still, he hadn't told her what the Colonel had told him. Somehow, she still had the feeling that he _had _told Matt.

Sarah was also frowning, with her free hand rested on her belly. Apparently, whatever it was, she knew too.

The atmosphere outside the house did not have the same feeling it had when she was growing up. It was still the same house, which she found difficult to believe. Something was missing. The same Christmas decorations that had been used when she was a child were hung up outside. Yet, still, somehow they felt different. The reindeer her father had put out on the lawn each year sat in its same place. _What was different? _She knew. Her parents were not inside of it. Instead, her crazy m

They entered through the living room. The room temperature was cool, feeling almost iceberg. Instantly, Ruthie took note to how the furniture was in its same condition since she had left. Also, all of the portraits and picture frames of she and her siblings growing up were all in their same places. The house looked as if nobody had lived there since she left. Except for one detail. The house was completely dustless, meaning someone had been cleaning it.

The living room was empty, but Ruthie could hear voices coming from the kitchen. She turned to Matt with uncertain eyes. He shrugged, sighing, and started heading toward the kitchen. Ruthie, along with Sarah, Simon, and Cecilia followed him. She wanted to hide behind him, but she wasn't the short six-year-old she had once been.

In the kitchen, Lucy and Kevin were sitting at the table. Kevin was sipping his coffee; Lucy drinking a glass of milk. She held a little baby in her arms. Even though Bekah was born five months ago, she was about the same size as Madi. The little girl was dozing in her mother's arms wrapped in a pink blanket.

Savannah, still wearing her pink fairy pajamas, sat between her parents. Now, only a month away from being three, she had grown more than Jacob and Noah. When she saw Ruthie, she immediately dropped her donut and sprung off her chair. "Aunt Ru!" she cried, wrapping her arms around Ruthie. "I miss you." Ruthie hugged Savannah back, meeting eyes with her older sister's fiery fierce blue eyes.

Lucy handed Bekah to Kevin and stood up, placing her hands on her hips. She forced a weak smile toward Ruthie, Simon, and Cecilia. She moved closer to Cecilia and Madi to place her hand on the sleeping baby's head. "Wow, she's really growing," she said quietly, looking over at her own baby. She seemed to be taking note to how they were similar in size.

"Yes, she is," Cecilia smiled gently as she clung to her daughter.

Matt and Simon both eyeballed Kevin. _So he's in on this too, _Ruthie realized, widening her eyes. _Why is it I'm left out? _She rolled her eyes to herself.

"Now?" Kevin whispered. "Do we have to do this now?"

"We should get it out of the way," Matt insisted. "I mean, it's not like we have forever."

"But it's not like it's getting worse anytime soon, we can wait," Kevin insisted. "Besides, Carlos is coming in with the kids… I think he should have some say in it." Lucy's jaw dropped and Kevin let out a sigh. Ruthie heard him utter to himself, _"Crap." _

"Carlos is coming?" Lucy got into her husband's face. "You didn't tell me that. Remember _last _time Carlos came?" She snatched her baby daughter from her husband's arms and cuddled her in her arms.

Kevin grunted and nodded. "We don't have to worry about that happening this time." Lucy rolled her eyes looking toward Sarah.

Sarah rested her hand on her stomach. "Don't worry about me," she scoffed. "If you're—." Matt put his hand over his wife's mouth before she could finish her sentence. He grinned toward Kevin and Lucy.

"Let her finish," Lucy rolled her eyes. "It's not like I can't take it. I don't know why you people seem to think I can't take anything. Come on." She lifted her fist. "It's like you_ people _won't tell me what we need to talk about. If it's something bad, _just tell me_."

"Don't feel bad," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "I don't know what it is either."

"Like you deserve to," Lucy scoffed. "You're just a—." She saw Kevin's glare toward her and Savannah's wide eyes looking up at her. "—Kid, you're just a kid."

"I'm eighteen," Ruthie pointed out. _And she means "slut", _Ruthie's thoughts murmured.

"So!" Lucy shot. "You _just _turned eighteen."

"I'm legal in London," Ruthie pointed out.

"You better not be drinking!" Lucy screeched. "As if you-."

Kevin grabbed his wife's arm, taking Bekah back. "Luce," he said calmly, "I'm sure Ruthie's responsible enough to take care of herself. Besides, she's in good hands. I'm sure Simon and Cecilia wouldn't allow her to get into any trouble." In her father's arms, little Bekah started to whimper, and soon began bawling. Moments later, a quiet Madi, started to bawl along with her cousin.

Lucy scoffed yet again, placing her hands on her hips. "Give me my daughter," she ripped Bekah out of her husband's arms and marched out of the room.

Cecilia sighed, looking at her husband. "I think Madi needs her diaper changed," Cecilia sighed, hesitantly following after Lucy. That left Ruthie alone with her brothers, sister-in-law, brother-in-law, nephews, and niece. Sarah set the boy down that she was holding; her eyes had dark circles around them as if she were tired. Matt followed suit. The boys walked over to Savannah and she grabbed her cousins' hands.

Sarah sighed and smiled down at Savannah. "How about we go play in the living room?"

"Yeah!" Savannah cried.

"Hide Go Seek!" the little boys both screamed. Sarah laughed at her boys and headed out of the room. Sam and David followed their sister-in-law, niece, and nephews, leaving Ruthie alone with Matt, Simon, and Kevin.

Ruthie looked at Kevin, feeling sorry for him. "She's always like this?" she asked, knowing the answer.

Kevin nodded, raising his eyebrows.

"Can I ask?" she asked. "What's going on? What do we need to talk about?

Kevin looked at Matt who shrugged. Matt sighed, "It's not exactly something that we should tell you in a light conversation. I would we discuss it all at once – as a family."

Ruthie raised her eyebrows. "Well, if that's the case – whatever it is, I'm sure Lucy will go frantic all over it. You _could _just leave her out of it and it could be between us."

Matt, Simon, and Kevin all looked at each other in silence for a few moments. "Believe me," Kevin finally said. "I would _love _to leave her out of this. But it wouldn't be right for us to, she has the right to have some say in it." _Some say in it? _What was that supposed to mean? Ruthie twirled her hair with confusion.

Ruthie's head spun with confusion. What was going on here? What was there for them to decide? She was leaning away from her original theory; something told her that it had _nothing _to do with the Colonel. But what? _Mom? _Her heart stopped as if she were dead.

As the day continued, she forced herself to turn her focus away from _the decision _they had to make. She spent the evening sitting on the same couch that sat in her living room when she was a little girl. Sam, David, and Savannah played hide-and-seek around the house, while Sarah and Ruthie occupied the boys in the living room.

Lucy hadn't come downstairs since she had stormed out of the kitchen. Cecilia had come down, claiming Lucy had locked herself in the master bedroom with Bekah. Kevin had sighed, claiming she did that regularly.

Ruthie was really beginning to feel the time change around three in the afternoon. It felt like it should eleven at night, but it wasn't. Her eyes were beginning to feel heavy, but she forced them to remain open.

Shortly after three, there was a knock on the door. Ruthie sprung off the couch to answer it. When she opened the door, she saw two more familiar faces – Chandler and Roxanne. Roxanne was wearing a police uniform; Ruthie assumed immediately she had gone back on the force. Behind them, was thirteen-year-old Jeffrey; He looked like he didn't want to be there, like his parents had drug him along.

"Hey Ruthie," Chandler smiled, "I see you're back – Lucy said that you, Simon, and Cecilia were supposed to be back today." _What else did she tell him about me? _Ruthie wondered.

"Yeah," she said, "what are you guys doing here?"

"Lucy and I were going to discuss the Nativity today. Roxanne's just dropping me off on her way to work," Chandler answered, wrapping his arm around his wife. He placed his hand on his son, "And Jeffrey is here to help Luce and me." Jeffrey gave his adopted father an eye roll.

"It's my punishment for getting a D in Math this quarter," Jeffrey informed Ruthie. "I have to help Dad with his Church business all through the holidays. Like it's helping me in Math, but whatever."

Chandler patted Jeffrey's head. "Oh, you'll learn, son, you will learn."

"Well, I should get going," Roxanne pecked her husband on his lips. She turned to Ruthie, "I'll be back for this evening. Lucy has invited us to dinner. Chandler and I have a big announcement to make." She kissed her husband again. _Just what we need, _Ruthie thought_, more news._

Chandler grinned, gripping his wife's wrists. "Be careful," he told her.

"I will," she promised as she pressed her hand against her gun on her waist. Roxanne headed back to her police car and drove off.

Ruthie let Chandler in and told him, "Lucy's upstairs in the master bedroom. The door is locked, so good luck."

Chandler nodded with understanding as he grabbed Jeffrey's hand tagging him along upstairs. Ruthie shrugged her shoulders and sat back down on the couch next to Sarah.

"How long do you think Lucy will keep her job at the Church?" Ruthie suddenly asked her sister-in-law.

Sarah laughed at her question. "Probably until she does something illegal, or goes to jail," Sarah told her, sounding serious. Ruthie giggled, trying to imagine her sister in a black and white striped jump suit behind bars. The image in her head was frightening. She shuttered, at the thought of going to prison. Prison cells were cold, damp, and smelt like pee. She remembered when they had toured a local jail in sixth grade. Ruthie could remember thinking that she would rather die than go to prison.

Hours later, Carlos arrived by taxi with his daughters. He was greeted by Kevin, Sarah, Ruthie, and Matt. It had been five months since Ruthie had seen Carlos or the children; Ruthie was amazed with the changes in the children, particularly Charlie. His hair had turned into a sandy brown, like his father's. He had grown too, now he was good half of a head taller than Savannah.

Crissy and Jenny had gone through their own share of changes. Their hair, unlike Charlie's, seemed to be getting blonder and blonder. Their eyes, in contrary to their brother's green eyes, were becoming lighter. Both girls now had light blue eyes. Unlike Jake and Noah, they were becoming harder to tell apart.

Savannah and Charlie did not remember each other, even though it had only been five months. Five months for their little memories was too long. Charlie was shy warming up to Savannah. Savannah, though she said she didn't remember him, jumped right up to him and wanted to play. He clung to his father hesitantly. He was at that age – three and a half.

After awhile, Savannah and Charlie became reacquainted. Ruthie offered to go upstairs and supervise them in Savannah's room. Kevin nodded with approval. "Though, when Lucy and Chandler come down…we do need to talk," he added. She nodded with understanding and curiosity, following the two children upstairs.

They passed the master bedroom – where Kevin and Lucy were sleeping. Ruthie resisted the urge to press her ear up against the door. After all, she figured all Lucy and Chandler had to be talking about was Church stuff. Stuff she could care less about.

She followed Savannah and Charlie into Savannah's very pink room. There was a big white teddy bear in the corner of the room. Her bed was covered with practically every stuffed animal one could imagine. She had: puppies with their mommas, big cats, frogs, snow lions, penguins, and more. Immediately, Savannah headed for the closet and pulled out a box of Barbies. "Let's play Barbie!" she chirped.

"Ew," Charlie gagged. "I don't play with Barbie's. I play with GI Joes. Where are your GI Joes?"

"What are they?" Savannah asked.

"You don't know what GI Joes are?" the boy gasped. "You _have _to be kidding me. They're only the coolest toy_ ever_!"

"I don't have them," Savannah cried. "I want one though! I'll go ask my mommy now." She ran out of the room without saying anything further. Ruthie followed after her; which led her to the master bedroom. Savannah was knocking on the door.

Moments later, the door opened. Lucy opened the door; Chandler and Jeffrey were sitting on the bed behind her. In the bassinette, Bekah was sleeping. Lucy's eyes were red, like she had been crying. She looked down at her daughter. "Yes, Sweetie?" she asked her daughter. Lucy's face turned red when she looked behind Savannah to see Ruthie standing next to Charlie. Lucy rolled her eyes with a huff.

"Mommy, I want a GI Joe. Charlie says they're the coolest toys _ever_!" Savannah chirped.

Lucy let out a sigh. "Honey, those are boy toys. You're a girl, you can't have a GI Joe," Lucy explained to her daughter, patting her head.

"Oh," Savannah frowned.

"Talk about hypocritical," Ruthie rolled her eyes, remembering Lucy always having a tom-boy side to herself when she was younger.

Lucy glared fiendishly toward Ruthie. "Excuse me?" she spat.

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. You were—."

"—just stop," Lucy cut in. "She's _my _daughter. When you have children – heaven forbid – you can parent them however you please. But stay out of _my _parenting."

Ruthie placed her hands on her hips, scoffing at her older sister. Before she could smart-ass her sister, she heard footsteps. She twirled around to see Simon. "There you are, guys!" Simon exclaimed and stood in between Lucy and Ruthie. "Matt and Kevin want you two down stairs," he turned to Ruthie and Lucy.

Ruthie rolled her eyes at Lucy and sighed hesitantly toward Simon. He shrugged, motioning her to just stick it up and follow them downstairs. Lucy grabbed Savannah and turned around toward Chandler. "You can stay up here, if you'd like. I don't want to leave Bekah alone, and I'd hate to wake—." Before she could stop, the little girl started fussing. _Surprise, surprise, with the entire ruckus she should have woken up sooner. _

"Don't worry," Chandler whispered, "I've got her." Gently, he picked up Bekah. Lucy looked at him hesitantly, sighing. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. After all—." He stopped. _After all? _

"Alright," Lucy sighed. "I trust you." She smiled weakly toward Chandler.

Lucy – whom had picked up Savannah – and Ruthie followed Simon downstairs. Charlie was gripping onto Ruthie's hand looking a little fearful. _She should have left Savannah upstairs with Chandler, _Ruthie thought. For some reason, she had opted not to let go of her older daughter.

Downstairs Matt, Sarah, Cecilia, and Carlos were sitting in the living room. Cecilia was cuddling Madi and Jacob, Noah, Crissy, Jenny, Sam, and David were sitting on the floor doing another puzzle. "Well, I think I'll take the kids upstairs," Cecilia immediately volunteered when she saw her husband, Lucy, and Ruthie entering the room. She shifted a sleepy Madi to her other arm and motioned the other kids to follow her upstairs.

"I'll go too," Sarah immediately volunteered as she stood up and grabbed her sons' hands.

"No you won't!" Matt grabbed his wife's shoulder. "After all, this was _your _idea."

"It was not!" Sarah protested. "It was just as much yours and Kevin's as it was mine, and Simon agreed with us." She eyeballed Kevin and Simon.

Kevin sighed. "She's right. It wasn't just her idea, Matt. You know you agree with her that it's for the best, and so do I, sadly."

Lucy shrieked. "What _are _you talking about?" Her eyes beamed toward her husband. "What do you agree with? What have you been hiding from me in your secret phone conversations when you've been leaving room? _Tell me_!"

Kevin let out a deep sigh and he glared toward Ruthie and Lucy. "You see…"

* * *

**author's note: **I'm still not home, but I'm on the way. Sorry if I don't reply to your messages on FFN immediately. If you want an immediate response, though, feel free to e-mail me. I can reply to e-mail on my phone.


	30. The Left Turn

Outside Heaven

Chapter 30

The Left Turn

_It feels right but it's wrong  
and I've hurt way too long_

_Tim McGraw, "I Do But I Don't"_

The air seemed to freeze as Kevin spoke. Ruthie's eyes froze without blinking on her brother-in-law as she waited to hear her worst fear. "You see…," Kevin said again. His face was literally frozen, as though he might have seen a ghost. "Mom isn't getting any better … or worse, for that matter. Her condition is at a standstill, in fact. And quite frankly…"

"…Where are you going with this?" Lucy cut in frantically.

Kevin took a deep breath and shot a hopeful look at Matt for guidance. Matt let out a sigh, also. "You see," Matt said, looking at Ruthie and Lucy. "Most medical professionals would agree that Mom's never going to get any better…"

"…Well, most medical professionals would be wrong, then!" Lucy cut in, shrieking. "Just give it time! You have to look on the _bright _side of the mountain. Give it time. God will bring Mom back to us." She spoke as if she were giving a sermon. Matt, Kevin, and Sarah all sighed looking at each other. Lucy, taking note to their looks, scoffed, "Come on!" she cried. "You guys can't actually think Mom's going to be in a coma for the rest of her life. You people have no faith!" She rolled her eyes.

Ruthie bit her tongue; she didn't say a word. If Matt and Kevin were hinting at what she thought they were, she didn't want to hear it. But she knew she had to. And if what she thought was true, Lucy would only have more to blame her for. _It's my fault Mom is in this condition in the first place, _her stomach churned.

"Lucy," Kevin placed his hand on his wife's shoulder. "The chances of Mom waking up are like the chances that Savannah will become the first female president."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "And how do _you _know those chances?" she scoffed. "This isn't about Savannah, anyway! How dare you bring her into this?"

"It was an example," Kevin said coldly.

"Talk about a bad example!" Lucy screeched.

"Guys," Matt waved his hands back and forth in front of Lucy and Kevin's faces. "Can we get back to the focus of this meeting?" He looked over at Carlos; they all seemed to have forgotten he was sitting there. He was twiddling his thumbs and seemed to not be paying attention to Lucy's pettiness.

"Which is?" Lucy shot at her older brother. Sarah gripped Matt's hand and the two of them gaped solidly at Lucy. Lucy pulled away from Kevin and directly stared him down. "What's going on?" Ruthie took note to the Simon's watered up eyes. She knew then that she was right.

"Lucy," Sarah said quietly. Simon, Kevin, and Matt both let out sighs and frowned.

"We think," Matt continued, "that well, maybe it would be best to relieve Mom of her pain."

"What pain?" Lucy gasped. "Mom's not in any pain! She's asleep! How can she be in any pain? You — you can't actually be thinking what I think you're thinking! Please, you can't." Tears were already rolling down her round face. Kevin tried to wrap his arm around her, but she pushed him away.

Ruthie's stomach sickened and she crossed her arms. She didn't know what to say. _Pull the plug? _She thought. No, they couldn't do that. Could they? _What did Mom's will say? Surely, Mom wouldn't have wanted us to pull the plug on her. _

"Luce, she's in a whole lot more pain than you know," Matt said. He let out a sigh. "I didn't want to tell you, but Mom's been in a vegetable state for three months now. At first, it was just a coma. She's been a vegetable since August."

"You—you told me she was getting better!" Lucy cried. "You said that her movements were a sign of her getting ready to wake up."

"I lied," Matt said quietly. "I wanted to give you hope."

"You wouldn't!" Lucy cried. "You—you're no brother of mine." She began to barge out of the room, but Kevin grabbed her wrist.

"Lucy, just listen," he said calmly. "You have the right to know."

Lucy spun around, stomping back into the room. "Obviously I don't!" she cried. "Not even my own _brother _can tell me the truth about my own mother!" Her face was read with tears rushing down in a rage. She pointed her finger toward Matt and Sarah. "You're supposed to be doctors, and you're not supposed to _lie_ to people. You two are perfect examples as to why doctors are getting a bad reputation for lying! It is doctors like you who are killing people!"

"Lucy…" Simon started.

"Shut up!" Lucy yelled. "You went right along with them! I thought you were supposed to be my friend, Simon. What has happened to you people? What happened to _family_? Families don't lie to each other." _Family, right, _Ruthie was reminded of her exact words to Lucy just a few months back. _"What happened to this _thing _called family?" _

"Lucy," Kevin said quietly. "You've been through a lot in the past year…with losing Dad, then Bekah coming prematurely."

"And I've gotten through it!" Lucy spat. "I'm stronger than I've ever been before. I'm _not _a child anymore. I don't understand why you people seem to think I'm a _child_!" Her screeching voice hurt Ruthie's ears. Ruthie looked at poor Carlos, stuck in between all of this. He didn't deserve to have to deal with this on his visit to Glen Oak. It was bad enough that he had to deal with a stubborn Mary at home. She felt bad that every time he managed to bring the kids to Glen Oak, Lucy had to ruin his visit.

"Can I say something?" Carlos spoke for the first time.

Matt and Kevin looked startled by Carlos's sudden request to speak. They both stared at him wide eyed. Finally, Sarah said, "Of course." Lucy continued to scoff and roll her eyes.

Carlos took in a deep breath. "This isn't really my place," he spoke. "After all, I barely know Annie. And after all, she's your mother." He looked back and forth between Matt, Lucy, Simon, and Ruthie. "It should be your decision. Mary told me that she didn't want to have any say in it, because then she'd end up getting blamed for the outcome." He was bombarded with a cold stare from Lucy. _She'd end up getting blamed for the outcome_ indicated Mary was _for _it. After an awkward silence, Carlos trembled, "Well, I'll be going upstairs now to help Cecilia with the kids…" he rushed out of the room only moments later.

Matt and Sarah stood straight faced with a stupefied Simon behind them. Kevin stayed near his wife, and placed her hands on her hips. They stared at each other for what felt like forever. Finally, Ruthie asked looking at her brothers, "What does the will state?"

Before Matt could open his mouth, Lucy boosted, "Well that's a good question Ruthie! Bravo for you." She shot her eyes toward Matt, "What _does _the will state? Surely you wouldn't go against it."

Matt frowned. "The will makes matters worse," he murmured, looking at his wife. She shrugged, motioning for him to answer the question. "The will clearly states_: In the case Annie Camden should ever be in a vegetable state, the decision should be up to her husband, Eric Camden. If Eric is unable to make the decision, the decision should be left up to her children providing they are over the age of eighteen._"

"_What_?" Ruthie and Lucy both gasped at the same time.

"You know my vote: no," Lucy said immediately, crossing her arms. "_That's _settled." She glared at Ruthie. Ruthie frowned, knowing that because Carlos would not weigh in Mary's opinion, the decision would be up to her. She already knew Matt and Simon's decision.

"Alright," Matt murmured.

"Ruthie," Sarah whispered.

"What?" Ruthie tried to play dumb.

"It's up to you," Simon said, glaring at his younger sister. Were they mad? Here her brothers and sisters were putting a _life and death _situation on her. _I'm only eighteen, _Ruthie thought. _I'm not qualified to make this decision. _According to the will she was.

She was bombarded with stares from Matt, Sarah, Simon, Kevin, and Lucy. They were all waiting for her to make a decision. Her stomach sickened. She didn't want to be the one who killed her mother. Though, if she really _was _suffering, she didn't want her to have to suffer either.

Lucy let out a sigh. "Come on, Ruthie. Make the right decision. After all, it's your fault Mom's _in _this condition. Do you really want her to die with that on her? Don't listen to them. She'll wake up some day. I know it. We can't let them influence us. I don't want you to have to live with that guilt forever." Her voice was shady as she tried to guilt-trip Ruthie. She spoke as if she _cared _about Ruthie's feelings. Yet, she was putting Ruthie down in the same way. _It is my fault that Mom even went into a coma, _Ruthie told herself_. She does have a point_. It sickened Ruthie to admit that Lucy was right.

Sarah scowled. "Don't encourage her, Lucy! It's her decision. Not yours."

"I'm not encouraging her! I'm just telling her as it is," Lucy cried. "She's _my _sister, and this is _our _mother we're talking about. I have the right to weigh in the facts."

"But you're not," Sarah said quietly. "You're weighing in _your opinion. _Ruthie's an individual who has the right to make her own decisions. This is the biggest decision she'll probably have to make in her lifetime."

"Which is why she needs a little help," Lucy spoke snidely. "She's only eighteen."

"She's an adult," Sarah argued. Matt's eyes were bugged as he was looking back between his wife and his sister. He was speechless.

"So?" Lucy spat. "It's not like your vote even _counts_. You're not a child of my mother!"

"I know my vote doesn't count," Sarah said quietly. "That's why it's up to Ruthie. _If _my vote counted, we wouldn't be in this predicament." _Or if Mary were here; _Ruthie now fully understood what Mary meant. No matter which side she would have chosen, she would have someone resenting her.

"Stop already!" Simon cried at his sister and sister-in-law. "This is ridiculous. Lucy, you're being ridiculous. And you wonder why people are always hiding stuff from you! Come on." Lucy raised her fist at Simon. Her forehead was wrinkled and her eyes were devilish.

"Hit Simon and I'll call the police," Matt stood in front of his younger brother. "Don't forget, I'm here now. And I'm not going to let you get by _assaulting _people; even your own brother."

Kevin gasped. "Did you forget I _was _the police?"

"You're not a police officer anymore," Matt commented. "And for being an ex-cop, you really should have better control of your _wife_. Think of the example she's showing for your children!"

Ruthie's eyes widened. She couldn't believe Matt had actually said that. He had really gotten _gutsy _over the last year.

"You—you didn't," Kevin's eyes widened too. "Lucy's always been crazy, and you know that. And she's a fine mother. Savannah's turned out just fine, and it's because of Lucy's care that Bekah's even _alive_! How dare you." There he was, standing up for Lucy again.

Ruthie couldn't take it anymore. She pulled her hair out and screamed, "Just stop! You people are ridiculous! I can't believe you guys. It's _Christmas_, and you want me to decide on whether or not we should _kill _our mother at _Christmas_? What happened to Christmas being a family holiday?" She looked at Kevin, Matt, Sarah, and Simon, "You four – you couldn't have waited until after the holidays to bring this up? Here I thought you were the saner members of our family. I guess I was wrong. God, you're all nuts. I can't take it anymore!" After her outburst, they all stared at her in shock.

She rolled her eyes and stormed out of the room. Quickly, she ripped her cell phone off the charger by the stairs and forced it into her pocket. She raced for the door. Before she closed the front door, she glanced upstairs to see Sam and David sitting at the top of the steps. They had been listening to the entire conversations. The boys were frowning down at her. Ruthie pressed her lips, putting her pointer finger over her mouth. "Shhh," she whispered. She slammed the door moments later and ran out of the house.

Ruthie didn't know where she was going. All she knew was she had to get far away from that mad-house. She ran across the street and started running down the side-walk. Unfortunately, she didn't get far before she was panting like a puppy. Ruthie hadn't realized how out of shape she really was. _I must hit the gym when this is all over, _she thought.

She was still close enough to the house to see the front door. To her shock, nobody had run after her. Her eyes rolled, imagining what was going on inside the house.

_Matt started to run after her. "Let her go," Kevin would yell to him. "She needs a breather." Matt would look stupefied back at Kevin._

_He would point at Lucy. "This is all your fault!"_

_"This is my fault? Right! You're the one who wanted her to kill our mother!" Lucy would yell._

Or maybe, nobody had tried to run after her. Maybe they all stood there dumbfounded, in disbelief. Or, maybe they didn't care that she had run out on them. Or, maybe Sam and David had run down the stairs to put in their opinions.

Ruthie's thoughts froze when she looked up and turned to her left and came to realize whose house she had been standing out in front of. She didn't know how long she had been standing there. The small house was diagonally across from the one she had grown up in. She hadn't gone far at all.

She realized her eyes were damp with tears. They were burning, as if they were bloodshot. Her heart began to race as she hesitantly looked toward the window. She saw a familiar set of green eyes before the blinds moved shut. _He's in there. _Her lead-feeling legs started to move away down the sidewalk again. Only moments later, she heard a door open. Her heart jolted as she twirled around and _he _came into her line of vision.

"Ruthie?" his voice seemed to question her name. Her heart was racing faster and faster. It had been five months since she had heard his tender voice.

"I-I was just going," she said, choking on the damp moisture in her throat.

"Are you alright?" he lips frowned as he walked off his porch. "You look like you've been crying…wait, you are crying, aren't you? What's wrong?" He walked down the sidewalk.

She shook her head and lied, "Nothing."

"Ruthie, I lived with you for two years. You don't cry over nothing," he said, now right in front of her. "Come in, my dad's out fishing with Sandy's dad – since they're best friends now. I have the house to myself."

"You're speaking to me?" Ruthie asked as she rubbed the moisture dripping down her nose.

He smiled weakly. "Five months is a long time to hold a grudge," he sighed, "and it's not your fault…I realized that awhile ago. I just didn't have the nerve to come to face you. I felt like a fool. In fact, I still do. I shouldn't have said those words to you. You were only telling me for my protection. And, thankfully, it was a waste. I just wish I could kill that bastard T-Bone. In fact, I think I would if he weren't already dead." He smiled like he was trying to get her to do the same.

And she did. Her frown turned upward and she laughed. It had been awhile since she had even remotely _thought _about the ruckus that past summer. In fact, it was difficult for her to believe it was only last summer. Somehow, it felt like a lifetime ago.

Martin guided her into his house and gently took her hand. They sat down on the couch together. An awkward feeling lingered through Ruthie's body. She was having a hard time she was sitting in _his _house after all they had been through.

"Can I get you anything to drink?" he asked her gently.

"Just some water would be nice," she sighed. Her throat lingered with a burning sensation. She needed to wash the gunk out of it. He nodded and brought her a glass of ice cold water.

As she started drinking, he asked, "So, do you want to talk about it?"

After she swallowed a gulp of water, she sighed. "Not really."

"You know, talking does help you feel better," he said, "I've found that out from my own experience."

She nodded in understanding. "It's my mom," she whispered.

He nodded. "Ah. My dad said that Sandy said that Lucy said that she was getting better, though?"

Ruthie shook her head. "They've been lying to Lucy, so she'd quit the madness. Oh Martin, Lucy's really lost it. I don't know what's wrong with her. It's like she's a different person that she used to be. She snaps at everyone, blames everyone for everything except for herself. Worst of all, Kevin's right there backing her."

Martin's eyebrows rose. "Wow. Lucy was always a little crazy. But that sounds a little extreme."

"I'm not over exaggerating, I swear," Ruthie told him.

"Don't swear, I believe you," Martin said with a straight face.

Ruthie frowned. She didn't want to tell him that Matt and Simon wanted to pull the plug. If she did, then it would become a reality. If she didn't say anything, it wasn't a reality. Even though she knew that wasn't true. Saying the words aloud just seemed so much worse.

Instead, she changed the subject. "How are Sandy and Aaron? Oh, and Jonathan?"

Martin frowned. "Aaron's doing well. He'll be two this February. Sandy and Jonathan plan on getting married this May. I'm not sure how I like the idea of another man being a father to my son, but I guess I'll get over it." He frowned. "He's started to call Jonathan _Daddy_, it really bothers me."

Ruthie sighed, frowning also. "That must hurt."

He nodded. "It does. I try to get him to call me _Daddy_, but he's started to call me _Marty_. I'm not Marty McFly. That's what I always told the kids when I was in elementary and they would call me _Marty_." Ruthie had just taken a sip of water. She started laughing, and soon choking. Before she knew it, she was coughing uncontrollably. Martin's face rounded with fear as he wrapped his arm around her and placed her over his knee and started to gently pat her back.

. A few seconds later, water squirted out of her throat and she stopped choking. Her eyes widened with shock. "How did you learn how to do that?" She rolled over on her back as she was still lying on Martin's lap looking up at him.

"I was required to take a CPR class to go out for baseball in college," he said.

"You know, I would have coughed it up," she laughed. "I'm not a child."

He smiled. "I know, but I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity." _What was that supposed to mean? _Her heart fluttered as he gazed into eyes. She couldn't believe she was there lying on her back in his lap. It all felt surrealistic. She used to fantasize about it all the time. Was she dreaming?

She blinked her eyes several times in a row trying to wake up. Nothing about her surroundings changed. Martin still sat at a ninety degree angle above her.

Ruthie used her stomach muscles to pull herself up. His arm still gently traveled down her waist. She now sat on her own, leaning against the couch. He wrapped his arm around her and clung tightly.

"Are you sure about this?" she whispered.

"Do you forgive me?" he whispered manipulatively into her ear. Did she forgive him? How could she? He had said all of those hurtful words. _"I can't believe you! You slut! God, you deserve to die!" _Her head twirled with confusion. He _had _had the right to be angry. She couldn't blame him, could she? She couldn't hold a grudge that was well over five months old. Time had passed, she had changed. Here she was; back to square one. Just when she thought she had moved on.

"Yes," she found herself whispering. "I forgive you."

"I was hoping you would say that," he said, flushing a little. She hadn't realized how close their noses were to each other until that moment. Before she knew it, their lips were touching. His lips pressed against hers and she back. She found herself wrapping her arms around him and letting his tongue wrap around her teeth.

He started to pull her shirt off. She pulled away fiercely. "What are you doing?" she cried.

She saw his face flushed and he stuttered, "I-I'm sorry. I thought you wanted to go further. If you don't, I understand. I would n-never want to do anything you were uncomfortable with. I-I just thought, because we…you…well."

Ruthie shook her head; her head trembled with a mix of emotions. Five months ago, she would have died for this. _I almost did die for this, _she remembered. Her heart raced. Inside, she felt like her feelings were so wrong. Yet, something about them felt right.

"I-I do want to," she whispered, pressing her lips against his again. "I just want to do it right this time."

He nodded. "You're right. I'll go get one." He left her alone on the couch as he went into his bedroom. Ruthie couldn't help but be suspicious as to why he had them handy. Was he seeing anyone else? She hadn't bothered to ask. Now she wondered. Or, maybe he had them _just in case_. After his experience, maybe he had realized he could never be too careful. _He was just about to…though; if I hadn't said something…_ would he have smartened up to get it himself? Or would he have continued on had she let him? Her head spun with confusion. _Am I really going to do this? _She wondered. She didn't need her conscious to answer that; the answer was already destined.

Only minutes later she heard her name, "Ruthie! Why don't you come in here?" His voice was coming from down the hall. Slowly, with her shirt still half off, she started to move down the hallway listening for his voice. Her feet stopped in front of a white door that was slightly cracked open.

She had never been in his room since he had moved in with his father. As she cracked the door open further, her eyes became witness to a wall-full of baseball posters. A baseball lantern sat on his round bed-side table. Even his comforter had a big baseball in the center of it. It was very apparent that baseball was Martin's life.

As she passed his dresser, she noticed a collection of baseball cards. He probably had every card one could imagine. Sammy Sosa's was the one on top. They were all covered with a plastic cover.

In the corner of the room there was a door to a small bathroom. _He has his own bathroom? _Ruthie stood next to the door, making sure not to look in.

"You in there, Ruthie?" she heard his voice.

"Yeah," she mouthed dryly.

"Alright, I'm ready," he walked out wearing a baseball themed bathrobe. He frowned when he saw her. "I see you aren't." Her face burned. _This is wrong, _her throat clotted up. He thrust his arms around her and pushed her onto the bed. She found herself laughing without control. It was like she was no longer in control of herself.

He pulled her shirt off and unbuttoned her jeans. His tongue locked with hers and she let him. Before she knew it, he was on top of her and they were together again at last. It was what she had wanted for so long. A sense of déjà vu filled her body. Here she was, living her fantasy and enjoying it. _It feels so good, but it's wrong. _

Her hands moved slowly down his waist as he pressed harder. His forehead rubbed against hers and she could feel the sweat on his forehead stain on hers. She panted and breathed in savoring the moment.

Moments later, a loud cricket sound came from her pants lying on the floor. It was the sound her phone let out when she got a text message. _Oh crap, are they looking for me? _She thought. "I'll get it," she pulled her lips off of his. He got off of her, freeing her of his comfort.

"Don't worry, I'll get it." She realized he had thrown her pants across the room.

"No, I can—."

Before she could finish her sentence he had already gotten off the bed and was digging through her pant pocket. He pulled out her phone and looked at her phone.

"Give me my phone!" she cried. "That's none of your business!" She jumped off the bed running toward him to reach for her phone.

It was too late. He was already reading her text message. She couldn't believe him. His face straightened. "Ruthie, you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend," he spoke coldly. Martin's eyes no longer shined like pearls; they had turned cold and vicious like a dragon's. She swallowed with fear of what was to come.

"Let me explain," she whispered and swallowed hard.

* * *

**Author's note: **I'm home. Didn't expect to see Martin again, did you? I said there'd be more Marthie from the beginning. (; I originally didn't know it would take thirty chapters though. :/


	31. Take Two

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I apologize in advance to all of you Marthie fans…but this is necessary. BEAR WITH ME. I beg of you! In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this chapter and the upcoming ones. It's about to get really intense.

* * *

Outside Heaven

Chapter 31

Take Two

His shoulders stiffened as he flashed his risen eyebrows back at her. He took a breath and read the text message aloud, "Hullo my love, what are you up to? With love, Cedric." His face draped as he squinted at Ruthie. "Who is Cedric?" he asked her pretentiously.

Her hands trembled with sweat as she gazed into his fiery green eyes. Ruthie's mouth dropped open. "I just met him yesterday," she whispered, realizing it would have been two days ago in London. Her eyes flashed over at Martin's bed-side baseball shaped clock. It was already four o'clock; midnight in London.

"Right," Martin didn't seem to believe her. "Then why did he call you _my love_?"

She let out a heavy sigh. "British men call everyone _love_, don't you know?"

"No, I don't. And I don't believe you," he crossed his arms and stared at her. She didn't know what to say. Her saliva started to build up in her mouth with a salty feeling. She felt sick to her stomach. It seemed every time she and Martin managed to get a chance, someone always had to stand in the way. _Sandy, T-Bone, and now Cedric, _Ruthie's thoughts recalled. After staring at her for the longest time, finally he sighed, "We'll see about this." _What does that mean? _She soon saw. He pulled out her cell phone and started pressing the keys on her cell phone.

"Stop!" she yelled, realizing he was texting Cedric. "You can't do that!"

"Oh but I can. This is in my hands." He waved her cell phone in front of her face mockingly. She threw herself at him and tried to snatch her cell phone out of his hands, but he was too strong. He pushed her back onto the bed and continued rapidly pushing the buttons on her cell phone. A feeling of whip-lash overtook Ruthie's body. She had banged her head against Martin's back wall. She tried to massage the bump on her head; but the pain still ached over her head. She could feel a small bump forming. As she regained her strength a little, she stood up and glared with hatred toward Martin.

He held out her phone so he could read the text he had just typed. His hand was hovered over the _send _button. The text read: _"Just got done having the best sex I've ever had…better than what you gave me. And you?"_

She gasped and her heart began racing. "You wouldn't send that!"

"Oops," he whispered and pressed _send_. All of the organs in her body seemed to stop working at once. She hated him. Downright hated him; she wished him dead.

"Give me my phone!" she ripped it out of his hands and slapped him across the face. "You jerk!"

He stared at her blankly, shrugging. There wasn't a sign of emotion on his face whatsoever. She couldn't believe he had just done that. Her eyes rolled with hatred as she started to force her pants on her body. "Don't forget this," he whispered as he threw her _Yankees _T-shirt at her face. Her eyes rolled as she forced it over her shoulders. With her cell phone in her hand, she ran out of the room. "Don't come back!" he called after her, "You slut!"

Tears were rushing down her cheeks in streams. She stood on Martin's porch and stared down at her phone. At that moment, she realized Cedric was reading Martin's text message and likely cussing her out. She received no reply.

Ruthie could see her childhood home from Martin's gate. Her heart dropped when she saw a police car that read _Glen Oak Police_ in the driveway. Instantly she knew she couldn't go back to the house. _But where can I go? _She wondered. Even she didn't know the answer.

She found herself running down Martin's steps and turning left. After suctioning in a gasp of fresh air and placing her cell phone in her pocket, she started running in the opposite direction of the parsonage and the parked car in the driveway. Her legs stretched and she ran faster and faster. Cold sweat was dripping from her nose but she didn't care. Her muscles burned as she ran. _Faster, faster, _she told herself. As she ran faster her legs started to numb. She could no longer feel the tingle in her legs. In fact, she had no feeling left at all in her legs.

After what felt like forever, she stopped. Her nose pointed down as she stared at the cold rough sidewalk. She huffed and she puffed as she raised her hands above her head trying to clear her air pipes so she could breathe again.

She tilted her head up at the sky. A flock of birds were flying over her head. The sky had clouded over and it looked like it could rain. Cold sweat was dripping from her forehead still and when she blinked moist tears dripped like marbles from her eyes. She walked slowly over to a bench by the walkway up to the church. Her legs bent and she sat down.

Her hands clasped over her eyes as tears started to roll uncontrollably._ I'm such a fool, _she told herself. What was she _thinking_? After all she and Martin had been through, after the _jerk _he had been, after he had said all those hurtful words to her; she _still _landed back in his arms. Would she ever learn? What was it about him? Somehow he had a way to lure her trust back then he would slap her in the face. Did she have _"I'm an idiot" _written all over her face or something? _I must, _she figured. Otherwise, guys wouldn't manage to always take advantage of her.

Time passed, and she figured she must have sat there crying for at least twenty minutes. Her heart jumped started when she heard a car's honk. "Ruthie!" a familiar voice yelled. _It can't be, _she thought. She shivered as she slowly looked behind her. There he was. His sincere blue eyes gazed back at her with his hair blowing with the wind. At first glance, she didn't recognize him. His hair was longer than it had been when she had said her goodbye.

"P-Peter?" she mouthed and wiped a tear from her cheek. "What are you doing here?" She looked behind him and saw a red convertible. Was it his? Ruthie had never seen his car before.

He edged closer to the bench with an expression of concern. "I was just on my way from work. My parents, sister, and I were supposed to have dinner at Kevin and Lucy's with you all…" he frowned into her eyes. "What's wrong Ruthie?"

Hesitantly she shook her head. Here Peter was standing before her; he hadn't spoken to her since she had left. He hadn't even wished her _Happy Birthday_. She trembled hesitantly. _Don't make the same mistake twice, _she told herself. "It's nothing," she whispered turning away.

He didn't. Peter came closer and soon she found him sitting next to her. "It doesn't look like nothing. It looks like you're crying to me." Slowly he put his arm around her. She didn't force herself away like she thought she stood. Instead, she let him scoop her up in his arms. Tears started to roll out of her eyes faster and faster. Her throat started to clot up as she bawled.

"I-I-I can't tell you," she whispered and sniffled. "I'm a complete idiot."

He clung to her tightly. "You're not an idiot," he whispered into her ear. "And you can tell me anything. I won't judge you, I promise."

She closed her eyes knowing she could _never _tell him what had just happened. Peter still had no idea about her first _encounter _with Martin. She couldn't let him find out about this one either. Though, somehow, she had a feeling this wasn't just going to go away.

Slowly, she pulled herself away from him so he could gaze into his eyes. "Peter," she whispered. "I just can't. It's too complicated."

He frowned and sighed, "I understand. But I will listen if you do decide you need someone to talk to. Now come on, let's get you back to the parsonage."

Her eyes blinked uncontrollably and she shook her eyes. "No!" she sniped. His pale face was overtaken by confusion. She sighed and stuttered, "I-I mean I can't go back to the parsonage. Uh, you haven't talked to your parents since you've left work have you?"

His head shook, "No, I haven't. They told me to come over the parsonage for dinner tonight this morning before I left… why? Did something happen? Is that why you're upset? Ruthie?" He seemed to notice her disconnected expression. Peter had no idea that she had run off. She couldn't help but wonder if anyone was even looking for her. _The police car, _she remembered. Then it hit her. Roxanne and Chandler were attending _dinner _as well. What if it was just her? What if nobody even cared that she had _disappeared_? Maybe, after all, nobody was looking for her.

She shook her head. "Never mind," she whispered. Her watery eyes looked into his. "Please," she said, "can we not go to the parsonage?"

Confusion still took over his thin face. Frowning he said, "I could never make you go somewhere you didn't want to go. Since my parents aren't home, we could just go back to mine."

Her eyes lit up. "Really?" she asked. "What about your parents? Won't they notice you're missing?"

He shook his head. "I'll call them and tell them I had to work an extra shift. It wouldn't be the first time it's happened. They'll understand." Her lips frowned again. She didn't want to have Peter _lie _for her. But she couldn't go back to the parsonage. There was no way she was ready to face them all after _it_ and then what had happened afterward. She just couldn't. _I'll have to face them soon enough, _she shivered.

"Okay," she mouthed.

He led her to his car and she got in. Warmth filled her body as he started the engine and light heat came from the vent. Before taking off, he pulled out his cell phone and dialed. After waiting for an answer she heard him speak, "Hey Mom. It's Peter. Say, I won't be able to make it for dinner tonight. I have to work an extra shift. Someone called in sick." There was a pause. "I know. There's nothing I can do about it. Everyone else had plans." And another pause, "I love you too Mom." His face then frowned and turned beet red. He shook his head. "No Mom, I haven't heard from her…really? Well I'm sure she's fine. It's not like she hasn't run off on her own around this town before." _They were looking for her? _"I've got to get back to work. Wish I could help, bye." He clicked off of his phone and turned to her frowning.

"Well?" she whispered.

He shook his head and he started driving. "They're just starting to get worried about you." _After all of this time they're _just _starting to get worried? _Ruthie frowned and shook her head. "What happened, Ruthie? From the way my mom talked you stormed off in a huff." _How much had they told Paris and Vic? _Ruthie pondered.

She realized there was no point in lying to Peter about what had happened at home. It wasn't like _that _was a real secret. In fact, she had almost forgotten all about _that_. She was too concerned about _after_. After all, she could just let Peter believe that _that _was what she was upset about.

Ruthie shook her head. "My family has gone mad," she told him. Her voice trembled a little and she started speaking quickly, "Matt, Sarah, and Simon want to pull the plug on Mom. Our mom's will says that it's up to _us _to decide. Of course, crazy Lucy's all against it. Sarah's vote doesn't count and Mary and Carlos won't have a say in it. So it's up to _me_ and I don't want to have _that _put on me. I don't want to be blamed for it in the end. Lucy already hates me." Tears were rolling down her eyes again as memories of that wretched meeting earlier that day filled her mind.

Peter was frowning. "Wow," he reacted as he stopped at a stop sign. "I don't blame you for running off then. I would have too." Ruthie nodded remembering Peter's home life hadn't been all sane there for awhile. His father was a drunk who had abandoned his mother and him for years. Then, one day, out of the blue he came back into his life. Now their life seemed just as ordinary as any normal American family. It amused Ruthie now. Growing up, all of her and her siblings' friends had wanted to be part of their family because of how _normal _they appeared. Now, Ruthie wanted nothing more than to be part of anyone's family but her own.

Her lip rubbed against her teeth through the remainder of the car ride. Neither of them said another word until they pulled in Peter's driveway. Ruthie could hear Peter's golden retriever from inside barking. A sad feeling churned in her stomach as she remembered how Peter had ended up getting Baxter. Ben had been in town for the week training a firedog named Carson. The three had gone to the promenade, and well, Carson had gone missing. In desperation, they had gotten Baxter from the pound with hopes of using him to _replace _Carson. Well, their plan miserably failed when Ben's chief showed up with Carson. He had been turned in.

At least one good thing had come out of all their trouble. Peter received a new companion and he adored the golden retriever. Ruthie sighed, remembering her sister's brother-in-law. As far as she was concerned, he had been just as much _her _brother-in-law, no matter what others thought. She frowned, wishing he were with her now. What would Ben say about Lucy's madness? Somehow, she had a feeling he would have had a way to cheer Ruthie up. He had always put a smile on her face. It was too bad that Savannah and Bekah had to grow up not knowing their uncle.

Peter was stroking her hair, she soon realized. "I bet I know what you're thinking about," he whispered as they started to walk up the porch. "You're thinking about the day I got Baxter, aren't you?"

Her eyebrows shot up. "How did you know?" she whispered.

He let out a chuckle. "It was just a hunch," he said as he unlocked the door and they entered the house. As they entered, Baxter pounced on Peter's legs seeking attention. He slobbered all over Peter's face then jumped down and started to pounce on Ruthie. His large floppy tongue went for her mouth and she started to giggle. "Get down Baxter!" Peter scolded his dog and then turned to Ruthie. "They say dogs are good judges in character."

_And that means? _She soon found as Peter leaned closer to her and let his lips press against hers. Her eyes widened; she hadn't seen that coming. His wet tongue soon rubbed against and in between her teeth. He wiggled his nose against hers and scooped her up in his arms. Her arms hugged him back. She really hadn't seen it coming.

Peter released himself from her in light of Baxter's panting. "I think he's jealous," Peter whispered and Ruthie giggled as Peter called, "Come on Baxter!" He headed for the backdoor to let the dog outside to relieve himself.

In the meantime, Ruthie took a seat on the brown couch just a few steps away from the front door. The Petrowski home was small but cozy. It had a homey feeling about it. She made herself comfortable on the couch and found herself staring at the blank television.

A few moments later Peter returned empty handed. "So," he said quietly.

"So," she answered back. "What have you been up to?"

He laughed a little. "Leave it to you to ask that." Then he frowned. "I'm sorry I haven't been in contact with you. Our last conversation…was…well, it hurt…you broke my heart Ruthie. I couldn't bear with myself. I thought about you all day and all night. Thus, my dad recommended I get a job. So I did. I've been swamped ever since with school and work. I've hardly had the time to…"

"…Think about me?" Ruthie finished his sentence and rose her eyebrows at him. She flickered her eyelashes flirtingly toward him. _Oh, what am I doing? _Ruthie asked herself. Somehow, she felt as if she was asking for trouble.

He shrugged and nodded admittedly.

She nodded her head. "I understand. I wouldn't want to think about me either."

"Ruthie," he contradicted himself, "it's not like I didn't care about you. It's just. Gosh, we go back."

_We go back further than Martin and me; _Ruthie seemed to realize. She had loved Peter before she had ever known Martin. _"If_ _I ever marry, I hope it's to Peter Petrowski," _her own words trembled in her own mind.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "It's just…I've been so confused lately. I don't know what to think. It seems like everything and everyone is against me." _Here I am playing the 'oh woe is me' game. _She hated playing it. Yet here she was, doing it. When others did it, particularly Lucy or Mary, it sickened her. _I'm just as bad as Mary and Lucy, _Ruthie realized. After all, she had been raised in the same house by the same parents. Could she use that as an excuse?

Peter nodded his head seeming to understand. "I know how that goes Ruthie. Everyone feels like that at some point in their life." He seemed to roll his eyes. "I know I feel like that a lot." She seemed to know where he was going with that.

She felt a relaxed feeling as she talked with Peter. A feeling she had not had with Martin. With Martin, he had _manipulated _her into falling for him. Peter…Peter seemed just as hesitant about this all as she was. _What if he finds out about Martin and me? _Ruthie couldn't help but wonder. On the surface, Peter was compassionate and understanding. Could he handle _that _much, though? Ruthie didn't dare want to put that much pressure on him.

"Hey, I haven't shown you my room since I've moved," Peter smiled hesitantly. "Do you want to see it?" She shrugged and nodded. Even when they were in middle school, she had not seen much of his bedroom. He had spent hours and hours in hers, but she rarely ever went over to his house. She knew that Peter had wanted to be one of the Camden's when he was younger. _Well, now, I'd much rather be a Petrowski, _Ruthie realized.

Peter led the way up the wooden staircase into a small hallway. A bathroom was directly to the right when they entered the second level of the home. There were also three other doors that led to bedrooms. Peter's was the one on the far left. As she entered his room, she immediately realized how _simple _it was compared to Martin's. His double bed covered with blue sheets took up about three-quarters of the room. A built in slide-in closet was to the right when they walked in. He had a small bookshelf in the corner of his room and a lamp next to his bed. It was simple, but it had all the necessities.

Smiling, Peter plopped on his bed laying down. "Well, this is where I sleep," he laughed. He closed his eyes laying on his bed. Ruthie smiled and looked around the small room timidly. There were no posters on his walls whatsoever. Though, there was a small round clock over his bed that read six o'clock. Time was passing and dinner had to be going on. She couldn't help but wonder how long it would take for her family to come out looking for her. _I'm eighteen, _she reminded herself. The cops legally weren't allowed to do anything until she had been missing for over twenty-four hours._ Then again, what happens when Vic, Paris, and Emma come home? _She knew she had to be gone before they came home.

His eyes were still closed when she shyly bent over and pressed her lips against hers. She could tell he hadn't seen that coming when he flinched. _Déjà vu, _Ruthie remembered a certain Valentine's Day when she had done the same. Only, he had _really _been asleep. She smiled to herself as she remembered the next day when he had told her about a dream he had had. And she had never told him any differently.

Her heart swooped with warmth when he opened his arms and scooped her up into his bed. His wet lips touched hers back and she never wanted to let go. Suddenly she felt safe, really safe. Peter had become her protector; her savior. He had saved her from Doom's Day.

Before she knew it she was pulling his shirt off. He took the cue from her and did the same. She unbuttoned his pants and he the same. Her emotions were out of control as sweat dripped from her face. The thoughts inside her head were a wreck and she was out of control. She needed his compassion; his warmth; his love.

He rotated on top of her as he gave her just that. She closed her eyes as his nose nudged against hers. _If only this could go on forever, _she thought and breathed heavily. Sweat dripped from her face as she felt his hands touch hers. She gripped gently onto his shoulders feeling a feeling no other guy had ever given her.

She found herself lying next to him underneath his covers. His blinds were closed, but she could tell that the sun was starting to set. Squinting, she glanced at the clock. It was approaching seven-thirty. _How long will it be until his parents get home? _She shivered.

Peter's head rubbed against her shoulder. Quickly, she nudged him. "Peter," she whispered. "We have to get out of here?"

His eyes were closed as he kissed her shoulder and he whispered, "Aw, I was hoping we could just stay like this forever. I've been dreaming about this since I was twelve."

She smiled with the thought that someone had been fantasizing about her for six years. Sadly, she could not admit that she too had been fantasizing about Peter for that long. When she was twelve, she had wanted to marry him; she had thought about having children with him; about growing old with him. She had _never _imagined they would do what they had just done. Then again, her fantasy had included children. Surely they would have had to. She had been so naïve when she was younger. There was only one person she had fantasized _this _with. She could not bear to think his name.

"We have to go," she whispered. "The sun is setting. Your parents! They can't…"

Instantly he jumped out of the bed. "Oh shit," he muttered. "You're right. We have to get out of here." He grabbed his jeans and started pulling them on. She, too, started to dress herself for the third time in one day.

"Um, I have to use your restroom really quickly," she said.

"Yeah, sure," he nodded.

She ran into the bathroom to relieve herself. Afterward, she stared back at herself in his mirror. Her hair was a mess. She started to comb through it with her fingers quickly. Her hair and face felt so greasy and dirty. She felt dirty. _Martin's right. I am a slut, _Ruthie realized shivering. Martin being right somehow felt worse than Lucy being right. Ruthie rinsed her face off with some face wash that was standing in the bathroom.

When she felt she was presentable, she rushed out of the bathroom. Peter was now fully dressed and he held his keys in his hands. "Where am I taking you to?"

She stared back at him blankly. That was a good question.

* * *

**Alright, so I lied in chapter ten. At the time, I didn't know...but I don't think there's anything that graphic. **


	32. Ashamed

Outside Heaven

Chapter 32

Ashamed

She curled her lip as she was sitting in Peter's car. He had started driving down the street and she still hadn't given him a straight answer. She closed her eyes and pondered. If she went back to the parsonage, she already knew that she would be forced to face her brutal family. It wasn't like there was any avoiding them, though. It was either now or later. It was up to her to make that decision.

_Where else is there? _She wondered. On such short notice, there was no definite answer to that question. Sure, she could go over to Cecilia's parent's house and wait for Simon and Cecilia to join her. But she didn't want to do that. If she did that, then she would have to face Meredith. _Meredith, _Ruthie shivered as she remembered the moves Meredith had been aiming at Peter only some months ago. What would she think if she found out about Peter and her? Ruthie didn't want to think about that. The last thing she wanted was to lose yet another friend.

Of course, there were Hank and Julie. Hank and Julie still lived in their same cozy modern home on the other side of Glen Oak. Who knew if they were even home now; Hank was probably at the hospital and who knew about Julie. For all Ruthie knew, she and the kids had come over to the parsonage for dinner. From the sounds of it, Lucy and Kevin had invited their share of company for dinner. Aunt Julie was family; why wouldn't she be there?

She frowned and realized she had not received a single phone call from anyone in her family. _Odd, _she thought. If they _did _care that she was gone, surely they would have at least _called_. Her sweaty hand trembled into her pocket and pulled out her cell phone. She first noticed that there was only one bar left on her battery. Second, she realized she had _five _missed voicemail. _The phone didn't go off at all at Peter's, _Ruthie pondered. _Oh. _She remembered that she had turned phone call and voicemail notifications on silent, which only allowed text messages to alert her. Ruthie hated when her friends would call her; really in today's society a phone call was so inconvenient. Text messaging was the way to go.

Instead of checking her voice mail, to save her battery, she pressed the _Contacts _button. She didn't have to scroll far to highlight the person she was looking for. Her thumb hovered over the _Call _button and tightly she pressed it. Peter gave her a confused look as she listened to the dial tone and the phone started ringing.

It only rang once before Cecilia picked up. "Ruthie! Where are you? Are you okay? Did you get my voicemail?"

Her face burned as she glanced over at Peter and shrugged. "I'm fine," she whispered. "Where are you guys? Are you still at the parsonage?" She didn't answer two of Cecilia's questions.

"Matt, Kevin, and Simon drove off a couple of hours ago looking for you. Simon and Matt tried to chase after you from the start, but Lucy told them to let you go. Carlos, the kids, and I could hear the screeches from upstairs. She said that you had the right to be free of _their _madness," Cecilia enlightened her. _Oh the irony, _Ruthie felt a little dizzy. Her mouth was dry and she didn't respond to that. Cecilia continued, "Carlos and I are upstairs in the attic with the kids still, Paris is with us too. Did you know Lucy and Kevin turned it into a play room? Lucy's downstairs fretting that dinner is getting cold. Vic, Chandler, Roxanne, Sandy, and Jonathan are all downstairs also. Apparently Lucy invited them all for dinner. I don't know what she was thinking. Seeing as I thought this was supposed to be a _family _gathering. And I guess Chandler and Roxanne have some big news that they want to wait until everyone is back to share." Leave it to Lucy to invite the whole world. Ruthie could remember her encounter with Chandler and Roxanne earlier. _What could their news possibly be? _

"Where's Sarah?" Ruthie asked as she suddenly realized Cecilia hadn't mentioned her. From the way Sarah had talked earlier, Ruthie was very aware that she wasn't in cahoots with Lucy. In fact, she talked like she couldn't _stand _her.

"After all of the chaos, she had a really bad migraine. She's lying down in the only room Lucy and Kevin left untouched – the former Hello Kitty room," Cecilia enlightened her. _The famous Hello Kitty room, _Ruthie sighed. It had last been Sam and David's; but it was she who had started the "Hello Kitty" tradition. She smirked to herself as she remembered when Robbie had moved into it.

"Ah."

"Where are you Ruthie? You still haven't answered that question!" Cecilia demanded with a huff.

Ruthie frowned and looked at Peter. He had just signaled onto the highway. "I-I'm on my way back to the house," she whispered dreadfully. She didn't have much of a choice. Granted, she knew that she could run. But if she ran, it would only come to haunt in her in the end anyway.

Her phone sounded three beeps, like it did when it was dying. "I'll—." The line went dead. _I'll…? _Ruthie contemplated. What was Cecilia going to do? _Probably call Matt, Simon, and Kevin, _Ruthie came to the conclusion. It was the most sensible. After all, it would be pretty foolish to let them continue searching for her when she was on the way back.

"You're sure you want to go back?" Peter asked her as he hesitantly signaled to the right lane so he could get off at the next exit.

She nodded, sighing. "It's either now or later, and it won't be any better later. In fact, it might just be worse."

He nodded his head gently. "I understand, and you're right. It won't be better later." _How can he understand? _Ruthie wondered. He could never understand; he didn't know the whole story and Heaven providing, he never would.

His hands guided the car onto the _Alda Road _exit. Ruthie inhaled and exhaled heavily with pain instilling nerves. Her stomach had begun to ache with anxiety. What would she be coming home to? What drama had cooked up while she was away? She knew that Cecilia hadn't told her everything. _Lucy's going frantic over a cold dinner, yes,_ that was definitely something Lucy would fret over. What else, though? There had to be more, Ruthie could feel it in her gut. Ruthie just couldn't see Lucy going, cooking dinner like nothing had happened after she had disappeared. She had more to say than_, "Ruthie deserves to be free of your madness" _when in fact, she was the mad one.

Peter turned onto the street of Alda Road. It was the same street with the same houses that been there when Ruthie was growing up. With Christmas being the day after tomorrow, all of the houses were lit up with Christmas lights circling their roofs; reindeer, snowmen, sleighs, and more filled the yards. The parsonage, now Lucy and Kevin's house, was no different. It was lit with the very same lights their father had strung each Christmas until the Christmas before the twins were born…the same year Matt had started college. Simon had strung them inside that year. After that, it seemed like Christmas lights were no longer a priority for Christmas.

That was until Kevin moved in four years later. He had insisted on taking over the _duty _of Christmas light hanging. Each year onward, their house had been decorated with the same lights she had seen as a young child. Somehow, they managed to bring back _good _memories of her childhood innocence.

She hadn't noticed the lights that morning when she had arrived. As they got closer to the house, Ruthie's eyes widened when she realized there was a string of lights on the front of the garage. They formed letters which read: _In Loving Memory of Eric Camden. _Her jaw dropped in shock. Now she understood why the house was lit up this Christmas.

Ruthie couldn't help but wonder; what would her father think of what was going on? _He would be disappointed, _Ruthie came to the conclusion. Ever since his death, the family had done nothing but turned haywire. That's not what Eric Camden would have wanted. Eric Camden would have wanted his children to live on in his memory; he would have wanted them to live as he preached; he would have wanted them to continue to care for others and not to think of themselves. Ever since their father's death, they had done nothing but selfishly think of themselves. Even Ruthie knew she was just as guilty as her siblings.

When she had been out of the country, Ruthie found it funny that she _had _no problems with the opposite sex. The minute she was back in Glen Oak, the opposite sex had a way of taking over her mind. She could easily blame Mary and Lucy's examples for that; or T-Bone. _T-Bone ruined my self-image, _she came to the conclusion. _Blame, blame, blame, _her thoughts circled. She was just as bad as Lucy.

The car was parked behind the police car and Ruthie's butt stayed put in Peter's car. He gently placed his arm around her. "You're going to be alright," he whispered in his arm.

He let go, and before she could even open the door a crowd of people were flocking from the house. She looked with sad at eyes toward Peter. He motioned her to open the door, which she did.

"Ruthie!" her sister Lucy screamed. "Where _have _you been?" Behind her were Sandy, Jonathan, Roxanne, Chandler, and Vic. Her eyes directed at Peter taking notice to his presence.

"Son," Vic spoke quietly. "What is going on here?"

Ruthie frowned, shaking her head. "He found me on the way home from work…I was at the church the whole time." She wasn't exactly _lying_. He had found her at the church.

Before anyone could say another word, two cars parked on the street. "Ruthie!" a scream filled her ears. Matt and Simon flew out of one car; and Kevin out of the other. The three ran toward her. Matt and Simon each reached for her and wrapped their arms around her.

"Where were you?" Matt asked in a panic. "We looked everywhere for you; the church, the promenade, the hospital, your old school, the park." _Seriously, _she thought_, the hospital? _How crazy did they think she was?

"I think we hit every place in Glen Oak," Simon told her looking down at her sincerely.

Ruthie grunted, shrugging. "You say you looked at the church, eh?" Lucy cut in. "Funny, she says she was there the whole time." She shot a suspicious glare at Ruthie.

Kevin, Matt, and Simon frowned. "That was the first place we checked," Matt finally said looking inquisitively toward Ruthie.

"Well, I was there," Ruthie rolled her eyes.

"Does it really matter?" Simon asked patting Ruthie's head. "All that matters is she's safe."

"And we can eat!" Lucy cried impetuously. _Is that all she cared about; the food? _Ruthie placed her hand on her stomach. Truthfully, she wasn't hungry. After all that had happened, she didn't know how she _could _eat and digest it all. She wanted to go lie down in bed and just sleep. With her first, she rubbed her dry eyes. She was exhausted. It was already eight o'clock, which in her mind was still two in the morning.

Ruthie's eyes shot up toward the front door to see Sarah waddling out of the house. Beneath her eyes, dark circles circled her eyes. Ruthie could tell she didn't feel well; she looked exhausted. She made her way toward Matt, who still stood next to Ruthie. "Ruthie," she whispered, wrapping her arm around her. "I'm so glad you're safe."

After she let go of Ruthie, she fell into her husband's arms. Matt gripped onto his wife and unborn child tightly. His eyes then focused toward Simon and Lucy. His stare was particularly focused on Lucy. "Before we even _think _about eating, I think we owe Ruthie an apology."

"_We_?" Lucy immediately reacted. She took no regard to her company standing behind her or the fact that they were outside and the neighbors could hear her. Instead, she went off. "I'm not the one who wanted her to make a life or death decision! I'm not the one who asked her to _kill _her mother! I'm not the one who made her run off!" She pointed her longest finger at Matt, Sarah, and Simon. "_That _is all you. So if _anyone _owes her an apology. _It's you!_"

Matt, Sarah, and Simon frowned and didn't say anything at first. Behind Lucy, her audience looked perplexed. Sandy had hidden her face in Jonathan's shoulder. Roxanne looked rather green as Chandler wrapped his arm around her as well. Vic stared dumbfounded at Lucy. Here, her true colors were showing. And the whole world could see it.

Finally, Sarah whispered, "I guess she's right." She eyeballed her husband and brother-in-law. "It is the holiday season. What were we thinking?"

Matt nodded in agreement with his wife. "She's right. Ruthie, we're sorry we put this on you now. It could have waited. And even then, it shouldn't be your decision. I'm sorry."

"So am I," Simon whispered. His eyebrow rose as he looked between his older and younger sister. "I'm sorry for bringing you back to this dysfunctional atmosphere. We should have just stayed in London this year. We could have had a peaceful holiday like Thanksgiving." Matt and Sarah both frowned, but nodded with understanding.

Kevin and Lucy's jaws dropped at Simon's apology. "Excuse me!" Lucy cried. "This dysfunctional atmosphere is only dysfunctional because _you _made it this way!" She pointed at Simon and moved closer to him; she had been a good five feet away from him. Now she stood directly up in his face.

"Lucy…" Matt warned her.

Vic eyeballed his son. "Peter, maybe it would be a good idea to go retrieve your mother and sister from the attic. I think we should go. I'm so hungry I could eat this house, and I think the Camdens have unfinished business they need to attend to."

"That's a good idea," Sandy nodded looking at Vic, then back at her own fiancée. "Let's go get Aaron and get out of here." Jonathan nodded in agreement with his fiancée and the two headed back into the house.

Peter remained put and shook his head looking at Ruthie. In return, Ruthie shrugged and sighed. Ruthie looked at her older sister. Lucy was still giving Simon a devilish look. She found herself gripping onto Peter's wrist with a tint of fear and aimed her eyes at Lucy. "It's you," she said bitterly. "It's all you Lucy. You're the crazy one." She turned to Matt, Simon, Sarah, and Kevin and sighed. "They may not have been right to bring this all up at Christmas; it's not fair that I was put up to make the final decision; but what's really not fair…Mom put this _on _us. She set this up because of her own indecisiveness and selfishness."

Lucy screeched. "There was nothing selfish about Mom's decision! It was a crazy decision, granted. But not selfish! There was no time on our mother's life that she didn't think about _us_. How _dare _you speak badly of our poor mother who is unable to respond! She did nothing but nurture all seven of her children!" Her finger now pointed away from Simon and aimed at Ruthie. Ruthie fell closer to Peter. He gripped onto her protectively and she felt safe.

"Lucy," Chandler said quietly with his arm around his wife still. "I don't think you screaming out here right in the open is a good image for the Church. Perhaps you should take it inside. The neighbors are looking, and they will be talking. You know how church gossip is."

"Does it _look _like I care?" she snapped back at Chandler.

Roxanne raised her eyebrows at Lucy. "You say that now Lucy, but I know you do care. Or you will later." Her face was still pale as could be. She looked like she could either pass out or vomit; or both. Lucy heaved a sigh of annoyance at Roxanne.

Chandler shook his head and grabbed his wife's wrist. "Come on Roxanne, let's go. I really don't think this added stress is good for the baby." _The baby? _Ruthie's mouth dropped. _Roxanne's…pregnant? _

Looking around, Ruthie saw the same reaction from her fellow family members. The attention was now fully on Roxanne and Chandler. "You're pregnant?" Sarah asked with a hand on her own stomach. Her eyes focused toward Roxanne.

Roxanne pressed her lips together and smiled weakly. She nodded. "Yes, about six weeks."

Lucy's face flushed red and her eyes widened. "C-Congratulations!" she smiled, seeming to be actually _happy _for Roxanne and Chandler. She moved closer to Roxanne and wrapped her arms around her. "Really, congratulations! I'm…so sorry…that _we've _been making a fool out of ourselves. You're company, we should be better hosts." _We, we, we, _Ruthie gagged.

"If you'll excuse me, I think I'm going to barf," Ruthie rolled her eyes. She turned to Roxanne and Chandler. "Congratulations, but I've had enough of my sister." Ruthie glanced at Simon, Matt, Kevin, and Sarah who all shrugged. She grabbed Peter's hand and whispered, "Come on."

She dragged him into the house, Vic followed behind them. "Wow," Vic said when they were inside the house and out of hearing's reach. "I don't think I've seen Lucy quite that crazy before. And here everything thought _I _was crazy."

"Dad…" Peter said warningly.

"No, it's fine," Ruthie cut in. "he's exactly right. Lucy _is _crazy and we all know it. She's freaking _bi-polar_. One minute she's about to kill Simon, the next she's acting all peachy and happy for Roxanne. What the heck?"

Peter looked at his father and they both shrugged. They were standing in the living room together when a knock from the backdoor sounded. "I'll get it," Ruthie rolled her eyes.

Vic looked at his son, "Well, I'm going to go get your mother and sister, I really think we should get out of here before we're witness to some sort of crime. I'm really not up for testifying in a court of law."

Ruthie and Peter's eyes both widened and the two burst out laughing. They heard a knock from the backdoor again.

She let out a ghastly sigh. "Ugh, I'll go get that I suppose. I wonder who it could be." Only select people that she knew would use the backdoor. Usually, when they parked on the driveway they would use the backdoor. Lucy and Kevin had always used the back when they lived behind the house. Maybe it was the people that were living in their house? Ruthie had yet to meet them. Jane, Margaret, and Mac had always used the backdoor. It occurred to her that they hadn't been around at all this holiday. Ruthie was shocked that Lucy hadn't invited them.

"Well, I'll go help my dad get Mom and Emma then," Peter sighed and gave her a peck on the forehead. Ruthie couldn't help but notice the intrigued look Vic bombarded his son with. She and Peter looked at each other and shrugged.

Ruthie moseyed her way into the kitchen without giving who she was about to encounter another thought. Just as she was approaching the door banged yet again. "I'm coming, I'm coming, be patient," she rolled her eyes as she reached for the doorknob. She quickly pulled the door open and stopped dead as she stared into the Devil's eyes himself. He stood tall above her wearing the exact same T-shirt he had earlier that day. He neither smiled nor frowned when he saw her open the door. His eyes remained mellow as he stared her down. "What the _hell_ are you doing here?" she snapped.

"Ruthie," he whispered, "we need to talk."

"About?" she cried. "About how you demolished my self esteem? About how probably – no, you have – ruined my relationship with a guy I actually _liked _across seas? Humph?" She rolled her eyes and tried to slam the door shut.

"Wait!" he cried as he put forth his own body weight on the door, preventing her from closing it. "I'm sorry."

"No you're not," she accused. "You're not sorry one bit." She stuck her nose up high.

"Ruthie, just hear me out," he pleaded.

"Why _should _I?" she crossed her arms. "You're no good Martin, and I've finally come to realize that. I spent far too long dwelling over you and I'm over you. Long over you; go home Martin Brewer."

He frowned with watery eyes. They actually looked sincere. _He's a fake, _Ruthie told herself_; don't fall into his manipulative trap. _"Ruthie, if I remember right. You're the one who turned me down."

"We're _done_!" She cried. "What do you not get about that? You're only interested in me when I'm with someone else. I've found somebody who actually _does _care about me. He won't take advantage of me like you! Get lost!" She went to push the door shut again, but once again his strength outweighed her.

"Ruthie, you _consented_ for Heaven's sake! If I remember right, you're the one who came onto _me _at your father's funeral! You're the one who insisted we go up to your bedroom. You're the one who tried to _frame _me as the father of your baby! Yes, I might have taken advantage of you today, but before…no. That was _all _you!" he yelled. "And Cedric? Hah. If you actually think he's going to love you after what I just sent him, you've got to be kidding. _Best sex I ever had. _You betcha, it was the best sex you ever had and you know it." He mocked her.

_Oh shit, _Ruthie thought hoping nobody had heard that.

"What the—!" her gut ached as she heard the dreaded screech behind her. She flipped around and came face-to-face with the one that had comforted her after Martin had ruined her; the one that she had found herself falling for her; the one that she had wanted to marry at thirteen.

"Peter, it's not what you think!" she cried, tears started streaming down her face.

His face had turned as red as blood; she had never seen his face so read before. He held in his arms his two and a half year old sister. Right behind him, his mother and father followed.

"What is going on here?" Vic asked taking his daughter from his furious son's arms.

Ruthie bit her lip. _How much did they hear? _

Peter's eyes were traveling between Martin and Ruthie with rapid movement. "Ruthie—you and him? Today? Is _that _what you were upset about when I picked you up?"

Her teeth curled over her lip and she sucked the blood out of it like a vampire. She could feel her eyes become bloodshot from the tears. Her hand trembled to her nose to rub away the moisture. What was she supposed to say? She couldn't lie, and Martin was standing right behind her. "How much did you hear?" she mouthed.

An eerie feeling filled her heart as he shook his head viciously. "Does it matter how much I heard? One thing's for sure, you're not the person I thought you were Ruthie."

"Peter—."

"Ruthie, just shut-up. I-I can't stand to look at either of you." His eyes, now also filled with tears, shot up at Martin. "I would clobber you now if my parents weren't in the room."

Martin's eyes aimed laughingly at Ruthie. "I sure as hell hope this isn't who you were referring to. He's sure a Mama's boy." _What had happened to Martin? _Ruthie closed her eyes. He used to be so gentle. Now, it was like some sort of demon had taken over him. He wasn't the same Martin she had fallen in love with back when she was fifteen.

Paris's face jolted red with those words. "You little—." Vic grabbed her wrist and handed her Emma.

"I should have told you," Ruthie whispered toward Peter. "You shouldn't have had to find out like this."

"No shit," Peter mouthed. "Fuck this, goodbye Ruthie Camden." He shoved past Martin and Ruthie to get out the door. He was gone. Ruthie rubbed her eyes and looked at Paris and Vic's stupefied faces.

"I think we should go," Paris mouthed. Vic nodded in agreement. Soon they too were gone.

Ruthie shook her head looking at Martin. "Look at what you've done! You jerk!" She raised her hand and slapped him across the face. "Take that." Before made a run for the steps, she looked at the red mark she had left on Martin's face. He just stood there, staring at her.

"I'm sorry, Ruthie Camden," he mouthed to her.

"Sure you are," Ruthie rolled her eyes and made a run for the steps. She wasn't even halfway up the stairway before she stopped stupefied. There stood two of the last people she had expected to see listening in on her conversation. "How very Camden of you two," she rolled her eyes, "listening in on conversations." Unfortunately, they had been amplifying. She had asked for this encounter. _No, I didn't ask, _she told herself_; it's Martin's fault. _ She looked down the hallway for anyone else. No one else was with them. That didn't mean they hadn't all been downstairs listening in.

"We're sorry," the blonde mouthed. Both took note to Ruthie's wandering eyes.

"Don't worry, it's just us. They are all still outside," the other told her.

A feeling of relief overtook Ruthie's body. But it didn't make matters any better. They knew; Peter knew; it wouldn't be long before the whole world would know. Her face burned hot like fire with embarrassment. She felt so ashamed of herself. Just when life was supposed to get better, one left turn could completely mess up her life. _Look on the bright side _she told herself_, it can't get worse from here. _Could it?

* * *

**Author's Note: **Eek, I may have just succeeded in upsetting both Pethie and Marthie fans. :( I'm sorry! But if you didn't know by now, my stories aren't all fluff. Stick with me! (:


	33. Sibling Love

**Warning: **Language _(though I haven't warned in the past, so why should I now?)_

_

* * *

_Outside Heaven

Chapter 33

Sibling Love

She sniffled as she stared blankly down at the two small children. What was she supposed to say to them? They were too young to understand what they had just overheard, but that did not mean they were too young to open their mouths.

"Don't worry, Auntie Ru," the little girl reached her arms up to Ruthie. "We wove you."

Ruthie forced a smile at Savannah and bent down to scoop the little girl into her arms. Savannah wrapped her tiny arms around her tightly and squeezed Ruthie. The little boy that stood next to her reached out for Ruthie too, despite his unfamiliarity with her. Soon, she had two pre-school aged kids in her arms.

She held onto Charlie and Savannah for what felt like the longest time. She only let go when she was interrupted by her brother's voice. "Ruthie!" She let go of the two children and stood straight up to come face to face with her closest brother and pregnant sister-in-law.

"Ruthie—oh no, what's wrong?" Simon immediately took note to the tears streaming from Ruthie's eyes and down her cheeks.

"Peter mad," Savannah said before Ruthie could even open her mouth. _Oh no, _Ruthie thought. _They're too young, _she reminded herself_, all they know is Peter's mad…nothing more. _Her heart thumped faster and faster as she hoped they would say no more.

Simon and Sarah both frowned. "Why is Peter mad?" Sarah asked with her coffee brown eyes aimed at Ruthie. Her heart paced itself faster and faster. How was she supposed to respond to that? She couldn't tell them the truth. No way. It wasn't that she didn't trust her brother and sister-in-law; she was just too ashamed.

"Martin calls Peter _Mama Boy_," Savannah continued and giggled quietly aloud. Ruthie heart fluttered at her cuteness. Cute or not, Ruthie knew she was only going to be struck and bombarded with more questions.

Sarah's face inquisitively aimed straight at Ruthie's eyes. "Why would Martin do that?"

Next to her, Simon let out a soft laugh. His grey-blue eyes twinkled in the light shining down on him from the ceiling. He looked at Sarah and informed her, "I don't know about you, but that doesn't surprise me at all. Martin is so self-centered most of the time." Looking back and forth between Ruthie and Sarah he added, "I remember when Sandy first announced she was pregnant. Martin wouldn't even return her phone calls." His face draped as his eyes pounded on Ruthie with confusion. "What was _Martin _doing here anyway? That fool wouldn't even come visit you in the hospital. I can't imagine why you'd even be speaking to him."

Ruthie shook her head furiously. "I can't talk about it," was all she said. She looked down at the little ones who just stood there so innocently. Both children smiled ordinarily up at their aunts and uncle. Neither understood the true havoc they had just caused.

Sarah shook her head; her bushy hair bounced back and forth. She turned to Simon and sighed, "Why don't you go take Charlie and Savannah back to Cecilia and Carlos?" she turned to Ruthie. "I think Ruthie and I need to have a talk."

"Wait a minute!" Simon insisted. "If anyone should talk to Ruthie, it's me. I'm her brother! We can talk about things like that."

Sarah's face draped with concern and she shook her head again as she looked at Ruthie. "I have the feeling that this is more of a woman thing. Something she'd feel more comfortable talking about without her older brother present."

Ruthie rolled her eyes and finally nodded with agreement. As much as she wanted to avoid talking about it period, she knew she would feel much more confident talking about it if her older brother wasn't there to throw a million questions at her. It wasn't just Simon; she was sure that this was something she couldn't even talk about with _Matt_. Then again, she had gone to Matt when she was pregnant. What was different about this? Perhaps it was the simple fact: the culprit was still alive. She shuttered at the thought of what Matt or Simon might do to Martin if they found out about what had really been going on downstairs. _And I don't have to tell her about Peter and me being "together"_ she had come to the conclusion.

Her older brother let out a sigh. "Alright, I'll go find Cecilia and Carlos." He turned to the little ones and reached down to grab their little fingers. "Where are they?" he cooed at the little ones.

Charlie pointed to the attic. "They're upstairs!" he screeched. "Daddy and Aunt Cecile are upstairs!" Ruthie smiled lightheartedly at his mispronunciation of Cecilia's name. Simon looked up at Sarah and Ruthie smiling as well. He proceeded up to the attic with the two pre-school aged children. Ruthie crossed her arms, turned, and stared at Sarah.

"So, it's you and me," Sarah crossed her arms back frowning at Ruthie. Ruthie nodded in acknowledgment. Sarah's face was pale and the dark circles still rounded darkly around her eyes. Small wrinkles shriveled under her eyes showing her exhaustion. Finally, she nodded, "Let's go in here." Her head pointed toward the notorious former Hello Kitty room; her very old bedroom.

She followed her sister-in-law into the room that had been taken away from her prematurely when Robbie moved in. Scoping the room out now, the Hello Kitty items had been removed. It had been years since she had outgrown Hello Kitty. When she was eight or nine, it had been her life. Since then, the room had passed into many hands. The two beds that still stood with soft mattresses had been laid on by many bodies besides the twins; including: Lucy and Mary, Robbie and Matt, and the wretched horrible devil himself, Martin.

Her stomach ached as she took a seat on the bed that may have possibly been laid on by the one causing her such emotional pain. She looked into the eyes of her frazzled sister-in-law. "So, why are you and Simon up here anyway?"

Sarah let out a soft laugh. "Leave it to you to change the subject," she said. She frowned and continued, "Anyway, after Roxanne and Chandler left Lucy tried going off on Matt and me again; she insisted if we hadn't planted false thoughts in Simon's head none of this would have happened. Matt told her to leave me out of it for the sake of the baby and insisted they take it to the garage to savor their embarrassment. Lucy still was flipping out on him when he and Kevin dragged her off into the garage." She shook her head with a hand supporting her belly and sighed, "And speaking of Kevin, he just continues to _stand _there and watch Lucy make a fool of her own self. If that were me, I would expect Matt to smack me at least." She smiled weakly at her own joke.

Ruthie remained straight faced as she tried to imagine Matt smacking anyone. Then, she remarkably remembered something Lucy had once told her. After Mary had been hit by a car, Matt had taken a swing at the guy that had done it. The accident had been devastating for Mary. For awhile there, they had thought she would never play basketball again. After months of therapy, rehabilitation, and a perverted coach she finally did play again. Ruthie shook her head with the thought of her oldest sister in mind. All of her efforts had been a waste. Well, not completely. At least she had remotely gotten her life back on track. Not that she cared to share that with the rest of her family. Of course, Ruthie couldn't blame her. Not after that had happened since their father's death.

"So, Matt and Lucy are still going at it?" Ruthie asked quietly.

Her sister-in-law shrugged. "When Simon and I left they were. We both wanted to get out of there. Frankly, I'd like to get the boys home. It's getting late, I'm tired, and I'm sure the boys are too. Jake and Noah tend to get cranky if they are up much later than eight." Ruthie's eyes glided toward the clock sitting on the night stand. It was already approaching seven forty-five. How time passed.

Ruthie nodded. "Yeah, it sucks being brought into the middle of this mess. I wish Simon, Cecilia, and I hadn't come back to Glen Oak. It's too bad that you, Matt, and the boys couldn't have just come and visited us in London."

"I wish we could have too," Sarah nodded in agreement. Her face turned a little away from Ruthie as her eyes squinted curiously. "Why do I get the feeling that Lucy and the decision we put on you isn't the _only _reason you regret coming back to Glen Oak?"

_Because it's not, _Ruthie's conscious told her. Her mouth strayed away from her thoughts. "Sarah," she spoke quietly. Sarah's eyes gazed into hers. "How…how much pain is Mom really in?" Ruthie whispered with a raspy throat. Sarah broadened her eyes and opened her mouth to speak, but Ruthie cut her off. "Tell me not as my sister-in-law, not as Matt's wife, but as a medical professional who's honest."

Sarah nodded her head with understanding. "That has been what has been most difficult for Matt with this whole scandal," she whispered. "Honestly. And what he said earlier was about as honest he could be. At first, like Lucy, Matt was in denial. When the doctors first told us that she had gone into a vegetative state of consciousness, Matt didn't want to believe what your mother was going through. He started researching cases of real vegetables." She shook her head. "And hours and hours of research – he'd stay up into the wee hours of the morning staring at the computer – he came to realize that the odds of her waking were slim and none."

"You're not answering my question," Ruthie accused. "I asked about how much _pain _she was actually in."

She nodded and sighed, 'I know. That's where it's complicated, Ruthie. We really don't know. We know that her brain is going through cycles of sleep and waking. Like, she's asleep and she's awake – but she's shows know responsiveness to consciousness."

"So," Ruthie stated. "In other words, you don't know if she's actually enduring pain."

Sarah shook her head. "We don't know if she can actually hear or see her surroundings in spite of it not showing up on her tests. We just don't know. The longer she is in a vegetative state the lesser her chances become of ever waking up. After a year, the hospital officially declares the patient in a permanent vegetative state."

Ruthie's eyelids rose. "But Mom's only been in a vegetative state for four months. Why would you guys even insist on putting her out now?"

Her sister-in-law let out a sigh. "It was Matt's idea. I think he's afraid of having a year pass. He's afraid of having to see his mother declared in a permanent vegetative state. I think he'd just like to get it all over with. Plus, it saves the hospital's resources and the state's medical funds."

"_What?_" Ruthie gasped. "So…you're saying that this isn't a matter of my mother's health. It's actually about Matt being a coward and…_money_? That sounds nothing other than selfishness to me."

Sarah bowed her head and frowned. "Ruthie, your brother isn't—."

"Knock…knock," a soft voice came from the doorway. Ruthie and Sarah both shot their eyes over toward the door. Cecilia stood leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. Her blue eyes aimed with interest directly at Ruthie. "Simon told me that you were having boy issues and needed some support."

The muscles in Ruthie's eyes lifted her eyeballs into her sockets. Looking back at Cecilia, she corrected her with a hasty deep breath, "In other words, he sent you down to retrieve information and to report back."

With an exasperating sigh, Cecilia nodded, walked inside the room, and sat next to Ruthie on the bed. Cecilia turned her head, looked directly at Ruthie and said with a sigh, "You're probably right. But can you blame him? He is your brother and he loves you."

There it was again. She had cried more that day than she had when her father died. A tear started to trickle out of her eye again. Her hand rubbed against her face, trying to dry it. But they just kept on coming. She wanted to ask where Simon had been when she needed him. Where had either of her brothers been when she needed them? They had been off living their own lives. She had been down that road before. After all that time, Ruthie had thought she had forgiven them. And she had. They were here for her now; but she wasn't so sure she _wanted _them there.

She was a reckless mess; a ho, a screw up, and some more words her imagination could not dare to fathom. Her head shook back and forth with her hair bouncing with it.

"Ruthie," Sarah said quietly as she moved across beds, putting Ruthie in between both of her sisters-in-law. "Do you remember that conversation we had last May?" Ruthie closed her eyes as she tried to remember _which _conversation Sarah was talking about. Sarah placed her hand behind Ruthie's back and added, "The one about what me growing up an only child and having nobody to talk about stuff with except my mother?"

_Oh, _Ruthie thought as she slowly nodded her head. "Yeah," she murmured.

Cecilia giggled softly. She turned toward Sarah and smiled. "That makes two of us married to Camden men that grew up only children. Growing up, I would have done anything to have had an older brother or sister to talk to about guys and that kind of stuff. You just can't tell your parents everything."

"Well," Ruthie said coldly, "At least you had parents. I don't even have parents anymore. And it's all my fault. I killed my father and put my mother in a coma."

"_What?_" Cecilia and Sarah both gasped at the same time.

"Ruthie, that's not true. I don't even know how you can think that!" Cecilia gasped.

"You can't listen to what Lucy says," Sarah told her. "You know that Lucy's grieving in an irate way; she's blaming anyone she can get the chance to for something that no one could control."

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Okay, so maybe I didn't kill my father. But it's my fault Mom's in a coma! Come on, you know it. You have to. If I hadn't been…_p-pregnant_," her eyes gaped at Sarah's stomach, "t-then Mom wouldn't have gone into a cardiac arrest that put in her in the coma."

"Ruthie, your mother already had heart problems. It could have happened at anytime," Sarah told her.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what that dick Dr. Cambridge said. But it wouldn't have happened so soon if it wasn't for the added stress that _I _put her on. If I weren't such a whore none of this would have happened," she said. "And Peter wouldn't wish me dead," she added without thinking. Sarah and Cecilia's jaws dropped.

"Why would Peter wish you dead?" Sarah asked and added, "You seemed to be all over each other outside." Ruthie's head fell into her hands as her sobs continued. Cecilia wrapped her arm around her back.

"Simon said that Martin was here…" she said softly as her voice trailed off.

"Martin—ruined—my—life," Ruthie coughed out in between sobs.

"What did he do?" Cecilia asked. "I think everyone seems to have forgotten that I dated him. At least Simon has. When I mentioned that he looked stupefied." That was right. Cecilia had dated him; and it hadn't been long after Simon had headed off to college. At the time, Ruthie had still had Peter. She hadn't even thought of Martin like that back then. Her feelings hadn't developed for Martin until she had entered high school. Back then, she was in denial. It wasn't until it was too late that she was able to confront her feelings.

Cecilia hugged her tighter, and Sarah placed her had on Ruthie's shoulder. "You can tell us, Ruthie; whatever it is. I won't tell Matt, I promise. We've shared our share of secrets over the years, and I'm sure we'll share more. Matt and I never told anyone about…you know. And remember, you kept our secret for years. We still owe you for that."

"The same goes for me," Cecilia added, "Despite Simon's evil scheme for me to retrieve information for him; I just couldn't. Growing up I dreamt about having a sister to keep secrets for. Now, I guess you can say I'm blessed to have three sisters; six if you count you, Mary, and Lucy."

"Mary and Lucy don't count," Ruthie said quietly, "they're not even my sisters anymore."

"You shouldn't be too hard on them Ruthie," Cecilia told her softly. "I think they'll both come around eventually." Ruthie lifted her head and gave Cecilia a dumbfounded look. Mary was the one that had shoved Cecilia when she was _pregnant_. How could she forgive her? Nonetheless, Madi had been born perfectly normal. At least she appeared normal.

Ruthie shook her head. "I don't think they will. I think they are both long gone."

Sarah stared at Ruthie with big eyes. "You weren't at the church the whole time like you said you were, were you?" Before Ruthie could question her, she added quickly, "Matt told me that's where you said you were."

Ruthie let out a loud moan. "No, hah, I was there for maybe a half hour at the max. I wish I had been there the whole time. I didn't lie though; Peter did pick me up there."

Her sisters-in-law stared at each other. Cecilia inhaled strongly, "You were at Martin's house." Ruthie's eyes shot up. _How did she know that? _Her heart began to pound hard in her chest with anxiety. With Sarah and Ruthie's eyes beating on her, Cecilia sighed again. "Sam and David ran upstairs after you left and looked outside the attic window. They saw you go into Martin's house."

It made sense. She should have known someone had been watching her; the fact that it had been Sam and David did not surprise her one little bit. Ruthie nodded her head. "Yeah, that's right. He…invited me in."

Cecilia's face muscles draped. "And you left and went to the church. There had to be a reason you left. What happened at Martin's house, Ruthie? Is this why Peter is upset with you? Why did Martin come over here today? Something tells me it wasn't because of the ruckus going on in the front yard. Believe me; we could hear it in the attic."

Ruthie forced a smile. "Lucy was that loud, eh?" Cecilia and Sarah both rose their eyebrows. Ruthie let out an antagonizing sigh. "You guys can't say anything to anyone…"

"We won't," her sisters-in-law both spoke at the same time.

Ruthie shook her head frowning. "Martin and I…well, we…were together. Not just today, but…at the funeral when I was upstairs…Martin and I…kind of…well…"

"…You…were _together_?" Cecilia asked. "As in together _together_?" Ruthie nodded her head ferociously and continued sobbing. She couldn't help but notice how pale both of her sisters-in-law's faces turned.

"That's just the beginning," Ruthie whispered. "T-Today when Martin and I were…in his room…my cell went off. I should have turned it off…but I forgot. Anyway…Martin flew off me and read my text message…it was from Cedric…then I tried to grab the phone from him, but he threw me back on the bed. I bumped my head against his wall." Sarah and Cecilia's faces were ghost white as they listened tentatively to Ruthie explain. She let out a heavy sigh full of congestion. "He replied to Cedric…posing as me…he said _'just got done having the best sex I've ever had…better than what you gave me'_." She mimicked Martin posing as her. Sarah and Cecilia's jaws dropped.

"I can't believe he would do that!" Cecilia cried. "I mean…he's changed a lot…but wow."

Sarah face was full of confusion. "Who is Cedric?" she asked.

Cecilia shook her head and explained, "He's a guy she met the night before we left. She went out with her friend Tilly and some of Tilly's friends." Ruthie had told Simon and Cecilia all about Cedric; about how he was handsome, compassionate, loving, and how he couldn't be more perfect. Of course, Martin had ruined any chance she had with him.

"Oh," Sarah responded quietly. Her face shimmered. "But that doesn't explain why Peter's mad at … you. He's mad at you because you were with Martin? Huh?"

Ruthie closed her eyes and opened them slowly. "Peter was there for me when I was recovering…Martin wasn't. I didn't tell Peter that I was with Martin last May or today. He picked me up several hours before we came here. When he called his parents saying that he had an extra shift, he was lying. Really he was picking me up. We...went and talked for several hours." _Talked, we went and talked. _She couldn't tell them the _truth_. Then they would know that she was really a slut. _Peter wouldn't tell anyone that, would he? _Ruthie thought to herself. Martin didn't know that she had been with Peter; if all panned out, he never would. He didn't need to know. Ruthie shivered. The world couldn't know that she had been with two guys in one day.

Cecilia and Sarah's faces were still perplexed. "So, you went and talked," Sarah repeated inquisitively.

Ruthie nodded. "Yeah. That's all. And…I started to realize that Peter had feelings for me…and I think I do…err, did, too…but I didn't realize it until today. I started to think that maybe we were meant to be. Then Martin showed up and ruined everything. Peter overheard us talking."

"But it's not like you were _dating _Peter when you and Martin were together," Sarah noted. "I don't see the big deal. You weren't _cheating _on him. That would be like saying that I was cheating on Matt when I was with Kenny."

"Kenny?" Ruthie and Cecilia both bombarded Sarah with confused gazes.

Sarah laughed and blushed, "Long story."

"I bet it is," Ruthie mumbled.

"Matt knows about him, it's no secret," Sarah laughed at them both. "So, just stop thinking what you're thinking."

Cecilia and Ruthie looked at each other raising their eyebrows. "Anyway…" Cecilia continued. "Sarah's right, Peter's probably just in shock. I'm sure he'll come around."

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever. I doubt it." Chills swept throughout her body and she let out a yawn. She glanced over at the digital clock again. It was now just little past eight o'clock. She had been up for too many hours.

"There you two are!" there was a gasp from behind where the three sat. She flinched and twirled around. There stood three out of her four brothers; Simon, Sam, and David. In Simon's arm was her youngest niece; his daughter. Her brother blushed as he was being caught red handed. "I'm sorry," he said, "Sam and David escaped, I had to come retrieve them." He turned to the twins, "I told you two you couldn't come down here."

The twins crossed their arms. "That's not true!" Sam spat looking toward Ruthie, Cecilia, and Sarah.

"Yeah! Not true at all!" David cried with his arms crossed at Simon. "You told us if we came down and spied on Ruthie, Sarah, and Cecilia that you'd give us cookies!"

Cecilia crawled off the bed with her arms crossed. She moved toward her husband with a stern look on her face. "Bribing your brothers with _cookies_, are we?" She stood face-to-face with her husband whose face was flushed bright red.

Sarah and Ruthie followed after her with their arms crossed also. Ruthie squinted her eyes viciously aimed at her older brother. "Let me guess," Sarah said bitterly, "You brought the baby so we couldn't attack you." Simon's ears flustered pink as he was being barraged by his wife, sister, and sister-in-law.

Cecilia nodded looking between Simon, Ruthie, and Sarah. "I bet that's it. Nobody would attack a man with a baby in his arms." She ripped her daughter out of her husband's arm. "Well, you're not safe anymore." Cecilia's eyebrows rose up and down as she taunted him flirtatiously. She rubbed her sleepy baby's back gently.

"Heh…," Simon's face seemed to be on fire. He looked at the three females that were shooting evil looks at him. "Well, I'm glad you took the baby, it looks like I have a neighbor to go kill…" he started to head for the stairway but Ruthie ran toward him and grabbed his arm with all her strength.

"No you will not!" she yelled. "You're not going to do anything of that liking! You're not going to say a _damn _word to _it_."

"Fine," he mumbled and Ruthie let go of his arm. He crossed her arms and sulked. "From what I heard, he _deserves _a beating."

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "That's why you weren't supposed to know." She folded her arms and sighed, "As far as that goes, I deserve to be beat just as much as he does. I was the one who let him take advantage of me…well, today anyway. Before…it was all me."

"What? Before?" Simon's face was blank. "I didn't hear that part. What happened before?"_ Oh shit, _she realized he hadn't been there for that part. Ruthie shot a look for help toward her sisters-in-law. Both were frowning.

"Nothing," Cecilia finally said as she grabbed her husband's hand with her free one. "Is Carlos upstairs alone with all those kids? He definitely shouldn't be put alone with seven little ones." She frowned looking at her husband and added quickly, "Not that I don't have faith in him, that's just a lot to handle." Looking directly at Ruthie she said, "It was sure chaos when there were ten up there."

"It was," Sam rolled his eyes. "I still have a headache."

"Sam and David were big helps though," Cecilia winked at the twins.

"Well, that's good," Sarah smiled at Sam and David.

Simon sighed. "Well, the two sets of little twins are asleep, as is Bekah. That just leaves him with Charlie and Savannah, and they're both pretty content."

That left Ruthie with a new question. She turned to Cecilia questionably. "How did Savannah and Charlie escape from the attic earlier?"

Cecilia let out a snort. "I suppose they escaped when the Petrowski family left." Ruthie nodded with understanding, shaking her head. If it hadn't been for Charlie and Savannah she could have escaped without any questions. Even she knew that wasn't true. Where would've she gone? Her room was no longer her room. It was a play room. She could have camped out in the former Hello Kitty room, but she would have ended up running into Sarah and Simon anyway. Tears still would have been streaming from her face, thus questions would have been asked. She couldn't blame two pre-school aged kids for any of her divulging. Regardless, somehow she felt better after having talked to Sarah and Cecilia. She didn't feel good knowing that Simon had overheard even some of it.

"Hey, what's going on up here?" a voice came from the stairway. Everyone in the hallway shot their eyes toward the direction where Matt joined them. "Is there some sort of fiesta going on up here?" he chuckled. "We could hear screaming from downstairs." _We? _Ruthie immediately assumed that meant Kevin and Lucy were inside.

"I would hardly call it a fiesta," Ruthie responded coldly to her older brother. Her eyes circled around the hallway realizing that her _entire _family was in the same hallway she had walked each day when she was growing up. She closed her eyes as she remembered a distant memory. It was the day Lucy got her period. She could remember holding hands with Mary and Lucy in the middle of that same hallway. They had been jumping up and down with joy as they celebrated. Now, the whole family was there _except _for Mary and Lucy. Her stomach churned as she missed the closeness she had once shared with her older sisters.

Her eyes were still stained bloodshot, and Matt noticed. He frowned looking at Ruthie. "What's wrong, Ruthie? You look like you've been crying."

"Maybe that's because I have," she said quietly and rolled her eyes.

"Okay…" Matt looked at his wife, sister-in-law, and brother. They all shrugged at him, sighing. His eyes aimed at his wife. "Anyway, I was coming up to tell you that my theory was correct. On why Lucy's been so crazy lately."

"Oh," Sarah whispered, "I was hoping that wasn't the case."

"You were hoping _what _wasn't the case?" Simon cut in. He looked between his brother and sister-in-law. "What am I missing here? What's going on?"

"What happened between you and Lucy?" Sarah ignored Simon's string of questions. "You didn't end up…hurting her, did you?"

Matt laughed at his wife's statement. With his arms crossed he said, "Nope, but I almost gave Kevin a piece of my fist. He finally straightened up and brought her inside. It was when we came in that I could hear the voices from up here." He turned curiously toward Ruthie, "I think it was Ruthie yelling."

Ruthie sighed, shaking her head. "It was nothing," she responded flatly. Her eyes directed at Simon, Sarah, Cecilia, Sam, and David.

"Nothing, nothing at all," the Simon, Sarah, and Cecilia agreed nodding their heads. Cecilia was standing in front of the steps that led up to the attic with Madi. She seemed to be inching closer and closer by the minute.

Matt's eyes directed toward at Sam and David. He smiled and said with a serious tone, "Okay, whatever you say. I'll just use the eight-year-olds; that has always worked in the past." His eyes traveled between Sam, David, and Ruthie. "So, milk and cookies anyone?"

"We want milk and cookies!" Sam and David both raised their hands jumping up and down excitedly.

Ruthie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "You're just as bad as Simon," Ruthie accused sternly toward her eldest brother.

Cecilia and Sarah both nodded in agreement with Ruthie. "He sure is," Sarah said walking over toward her husband. Ruthie flinched with shock when Sarah raised her hand and slapped Matt across the face. "Now, stop," Sarah said sweetly after pulling her hand away from her husband.

"Ow!" Matt cried pressing his hand against his face. A light red finger print was outlined on his face. He turned to Sarah and said quietly, "I don't think we're having anymore children anytime soon. I don't think my face can handle it."

Sarah laughed softly, "Well, we'll see about that." Matt smiled as he gently placed his hand on his wife's swollen belly.

"Speaking of…babies," Ruthie changed the subject. "When do get to find out the sex of the baby?" Her eyes beat on Matt and Sarah. In Ruthie's peripheral vision, she could see Simon, Cecilia, Sam, and David doing the same.

Matt looked at his wife and his face flushed. "Well, I accidentally already let it slip to Kevin and Lucy."

"You _what_?" Sarah gasped in shock at her husband. "I can't believe you would do that."

Matt frowned and nodded, "Neither can I…it just slipped when Lucy let _it _slip." _It, _which would be?

"Care to explain what _it _is too?" Ruthie asked.

"Nah, we'll let Lucy tell you," Matt insisted looking at Sarah. "Do you want to tell them _our _news?"

"Yeah, sure," Sarah smiled as she turned to the impatient crowd. She chirped, "We're _not _having twins!" Ruthie felt her stomach drop with a feeling of relief for Matt and Sarah. She chuckled, along with Simon and Cecilia.

"Well that's a relief," Simon said placing a hand on his brother's shoulder.

"Wait a minute," Ruthie frowned looking back and forth between Matt and Sarah. "Y-You're having triplets!"

Matt and Sarah burst into laughter; Cecilia and Simon stared at Ruthie wide-eyed. "Are you?" Sam and David asked at the same time with their mouths wide too.

Sarah shook her head. "As early as I was showing, I was afraid we were having multiples again. But no, we're only have one baby … another boy!"

Matt wrapped his arm around Sarah sighing, "I know Sarah wanted a little girl, but I'm happy with another son."

"All that matters is he has five fingers, five toes, and is healthy," Sarah insisted flushing. "I will be happy with all of our children; even if we end up with all boys. Besides, we have five lovely nieces. And that's enough for me."

"Aww, well congratulations," Cecilia insisted and wrapped her arms around Sarah.

"Yeah, congratulations bro," Simon patted Matt's back. "I'm sure your sons will grow up to be fine men just like their father. And I bet Jake and Noah will be great big brothers just like their father."

Matt laughed. "I can't wait until they're old enough to go camping and to ball games. I don't know if you remember when you were about four, and I was about ten when Dad would take us out camping and leave the girls behind."

Simon's face was straight. "Hmm… now that you mention it… no."

"Well he did," Matt insisted. "He would take us out in the middle of the woods and we'd go hiking and fishing."

Sarah sucked in a sigh of air. She wrapped her right arm around Matt's shoulder. "I really think we should get going, it's getting late and I haven't told you this…but I have to work tomorrow morning."

"You have to _what_?" Matt gasped turning around to face his pregnant wife. He grabbed her shoulders, "I thought we both had the next three days off! Since when do you have to work? Besides, isn't the Pediatrics Wing of the hospital closed on Christmas Eve and Day?"

Sarah shook her head frowning. "Yeah, it is. But the Urgent Care unit is open. You would be surprised with how many kids get hurt over the holidays. They needed a Pediatrician to take the spot, and since almost everyone took off because of the holiday they needed someone to work. And it's not a holiday for me even, so I offered to take in…and besides, it's no different than you working on your own sons' birthday."

"That was different!" Matt cried. "_That _was an emergency."

"Besides," Sarah continued, "when you convert it won't be a holiday for you either." Matt gasped with shock that his wife had actually said that. _When you convert… _the thoughts circled in Ruthie's thoughts as she looked up at her shocked brother.

Matt looked down at his feet frowning. "Even…if…I ever convert…it will always be a holiday for me because it is a holiday for my family. And we're not going over this again. Not now in front of _my family_."

Sarah huffed and turned around to go up the stairs. When they looked up the stairs, Carlos was already standing there. "He oído todo," he said. "I mean, I heard everything." _Everything? _Ruthie wondered how long he had been standing there. "Congratulations on the boy," he said smiling weakly at Sarah.

"Yeah, thanks, now I need to retrieve my sons so we can go home," she walked up the stairs and pushed past Carlos.

Ruthie crossed her arms and turned toward Simon and Cecilia. Simon let out a yawn. "Well, we should get out of here and head over to Cecilia's before something else—."

"—what's going on up here?" a solid voice came from the stairway that led into the living room. Their necks turned to see Kevin standing next to his wife. Lucy's eyes now had dark circles under them; wrinkles shriveled underneath them as if she too had been crying. Kevin held Lucy's shoulder in his right arm.

"We were just getting ready to go," Simon answered his brother-in-law.

"Aw," Kevin said holding Lucy tighter to himself. "Well, Lucy and I just wanted to make an announcement."

"Matt, come up and help me get the boys!" Sarah's shout came from upstairs.

"Uh—since we already know, I'm going to go help my wife before she smacks me again," Matt insisted as he made a run for the steps. Carlos was still standing at the top of the steps; Cecilia was at the foot of the steps holding her now sleeping baby. It was amazing Madi had managed to sleep with all of the ruckus. Simon and Ruthie stood rounded off from Cecilia; Sam and David were directly across from Cecilia.

Lucy forced a weak smile; her first attempt at a smile that Ruthie could recall. "Guys, I know I've been a little…okay a lot…crazy, but I think I have a good reason. I-I'm pregnant…about fifteen weeks. It wasn't planned; and the doctors told us that we should have waited longer, but it just happened…it was too soon to go back on birth control, and well…I don't need to explain further.

Simon, Cecilia, and Ruthie stared at Lucy with wide-eyed. Lucy was _pregnant_ again? Ruthie felt bad enough for Savannah and Bekah. They were going to bring _another _child into this world? Bekah had barely made it. Lucy had already had three rough pregnancies; one ending in tragedy, the other pretty near close to it. What would happen to Lucy if something went wrong this time?

"Well, congratulations to you guys," Cecilia finally said looking at Simon. She motioned him to offer his blessing too.

"Yeah, congratulations. What a shocker. I didn't see that coming. But you're right, you do have a reason to be a little loopy I guess…" Simon insisted.

Ruthie rolled her eyes, refusing to give her sister a congratulation. Instead, she turned to Simon and Cecilia, "Let's go…for real?"

Simon nodded and squinted. "Yeah, we should get going…um, see you guys later…"

The three rushed out of the house, they were followed by Matt and Sarah. Cecilia, Simon, Ruthie, and Madi crammed into their already crammed car as Matt and Sarah insisted on dropping them off at Cecilia's parents' house. _Meredith, _Ruthie remembered. Just when she thought she was escaping, she soon realized she wasn't. Would Peter tell Meredith everything? She suddenly felt ill. Of course he would. She just bet that he would run off to her.

It was a quiet ride, but Ruthie had a feeling the next couple of days were not going to be quiet. Lucy was pregnant again; it was too soon. Ruthie could tell that Matt and Sarah's relationship wasn't exactly peachy either. Then again, it hadn't been for some time from what she had heard. Something told her Sarah was hiding something from Matt, which had to be making matters worse. _"And I'm sure we'll share more," _somehow Ruthie got the feeling that Sarah wasn't referring to today. Something Sarah had said some months ago hit her memory all of a sudden. _"The longer a secret boiled on, the harder it could hurt in the end."_ Somehow, Ruthie had felt there was something deeper underlying her statement.

It was true. The longer any object boiled, the more it burned in the end. Ruthie couldn't help but fear that their whole family would be burning in the not-so-distant future. Especially once the entire town found out about _her_. One fact was certain, she didn't have to worry about Sarah, Cecilia, or Simon ratting her out. She trusted them. As far as that went, she trusted Matt too. She just didn't want his lecture. Without their enduring love and support, she didn't know what she would do; at least they didn't judge her.


	34. Lonely

Outside Heaven

Chapter 34

Lonely

_Lonely, I'm so lonely…_

_I have nobody_

_To call my own_

-Akon

Here she was, alone. Everyone had somebody, but she had nobody. _"Isn't everyone looking for somebody?" _she remembered the quote Matt had quoted to Sarah; that Sarah had quoted back the day they met. Matt and Sarah had shared the beginning of their relationship with Ruthie; sometimes it felt like Ruthie had become part of them when they had married.

Matt had Sarah, Mary had Carlos, Lucy had Kevin, Simon had Cecilia, who did Ruthie have? She had her brothers, but she had discovered that wasn't enough. All she had ever wanted was for someone to love, and for them to love her back. Why was it, she couldn't find a loving person like her siblings all had? There was a piece missing from her heart, but she hadn't realized what it was until that moment. True love.

The evening was everything but pleasant for Ruthie. When arriving at the Smith home, she had insisted on going straight the bed. Meredith, on the other hand, had had other plans. She had insisted she and Ruthie "catch up" and despite Ruthie's attempt to avoid her, she couldn't without looking suspicious.

From what Ruthie could gather; Meredith _hadn't _talked to Peter. With that in mind, Ruthie tried to act as normal as possible. Considering she was everything but _normal _that was a challenge. She knew it wouldn't be long before Meredith talked to Peter, and Meredith too would hate her.

She hardly slept a wince that night. Ruthie found herself staring at the ceiling for hours in Cecilia's old room. Within the walls of Cecilia's old room it felt like she was somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Like there was no one else in the house. Not a stir from outside the room entered.

Her thoughts traveled, and she couldn't help but think about how she was more alone in the world than she ever had been. But she knew she wasn't. She had been more alone during her high school years, when her siblings were all off doing their own thing; except for Sam and David. They didn't count.

She envied Matt, Mary, Lucy, and Simon. When they were growing up, they had each other. By the time Ruthie was old enough to need them, they weren't there for her. Of course, they had only been a phone call away, and Lucy had been in the backyard. Lucy had her own problems; when Ruthie was fourteen and a freshman in high school Lucy was happily married with a baby on the way.

Thus, Ruthie had turned to outside sources for her help; outside her family. All throughout her years, she had had a difficult time keeping friendships with other females. By the time she was in eighth grade, she had dropped all of her female friends and had started hanging out with Peter. Peter had been her only _friend _for awhile. Then he abandoned her…he left her, leaving her in the dark.

"_It's hard to do anything bad with being from this family; without my conscious telling me it is wrong," _she had once told her mother. Her father had been a minister; for as long as she could remember he had preached: _abstinence until marriage. _ He had preached time and time again that pre-marital sex led to problems, and not only teenaged pregnancy.

She slammed her head against the hard pillow that had been provided for her. _If only I had taken Dad seriously, _she thought as sweat started to drip from her forehead. She tossed back and forth, closing her eyes tightly with the hope that sleep would come.

Her mind just would not quit racing. Gripping the covers tightly, she pulled them over her head. The air underneath the covers was stale and she breathed stronger and heavier as she tried to supply the oxygen to her brain. She felt as if she were in a sauna.

With her eyes remaining closed, she took the comforter off of her. She flipped over on her stomach, and stretched her legs as far as they could stretch. Raising her arms, she reached for wall. She let out a yawn, wishing she could just enter a dreamland.

She kept her eyes tightly closed as she breathed in and out deeply. _Count sheep, _she told herself. Ruthie frowned as she remembered another time when she couldn't sleep…

_Tears were rolling from the little girl's eyes; she couldn't have been more than three or four. The memory itself was fuzzy, but she knew it was real. She was sitting straight up in bed; her heart was racing. Her family had left her. They had gone on a vacation and left her all by herself. She was only three; she couldn't take care of herself. "Mommy," she whimpered, "Mommy." The door cracked open, and the little girl raised her head to see a familiar face, but it wasn't her mother's._

"_What's wrong, Sweetie?" a brown haired, hazel eyed twelve-year-old asked. Ruthie could remember when she believed that twelve was old. Matt was fourteen at the time; Ruthie could remember thinking her oldest brother and sister were almost all grown up. At that time, she couldn't imagine ever being that age. She thought she would be a little girl forever._

"_Why did you all leave me?" Ruthie cried. "Why didn't you take me with you?"_

"_What are you talking about, Ruthie? Everyone's right here. Nobody left you," Mary explained. She sat down on Ruthie's bed and wrapped her arm around her. "Nobody's ever going to leave you; we're always going to be here for you."_

"_But you all left me, I was alone in the house," Ruthie insisted. "I remember."_

"_It was just a bad dream," Mary told her, "probably from watching _Home Alone _before bed." Ruthie's eyes lit up, as she remembered watching that movie with her brothers and sisters earlier that day. For the first time, she realized it had all been a dream. _

"_You guys will never leave me, will you?" the three-year-old whimpered._

"_No, Ruthie, we'll never leave you. You know what, Ruthie? I'll make a promise. If we ever go anywhere, I _promise you _that I will always make it my job to make sure you're with us," Mary promised wrapping her arm around Ruthie. "You're my little sister, and I never want that to change."_

"_Okay," Ruthie said giving her big sister a hug. "I love you Mary." _

"_I love you too, Ruthie," her sister's smile widened and her sincere eyes gazed into Ruthie's. "Now, how about I teach you a little secret on how to get back to sleep after a bad nightmare?"_

"_Okay!" the little girl smiled, wearily._

_Mary lied down next to Ruthie and whispered, "What I always do, when I can't get back to sleep after a bad dream, is count sheep."_

"_That's silly," Ruthie giggled. "There aren't any sheep in my room."_

"_That's where you use your imagination," Mary explained. "You have to pretend that sheep are flying over your bed. Hey look – there's one now!" She pointed her finger straight up. "One…"_

_Ruthie squinted, and her eyes lit up. "There's another one! That makes two."_

"_Three... four… five…" her sister's voice echoed in her head._

_"Six…" Ruthie yawned, "Sev—."_

That was the last of her memory; and the last thing she remembered thinking that night. The sun and its warmth cracked her eyes open. _Mary's a liar, _were her first thoughts that morning. She felt like only moments ago she had been begging for sleep. Now, she woke as though she had never slept. Her eyes traveled over to the digital clock on the night-stand. It was already ten o'clock. She never slept that late. Usually the sounds of the house would wake her, but not in this house.

She put on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt that she had packed. Downstairs, Cecilia's parents were sitting at the kitchen table. Cecilia's mom – Gwen – held her only granddaughter in her arms. George took a sip of coffee as the morning newspaper covered his face. "Can you believe it? Another gas station was robbed last night," he was telling his wife.

"People these days," Gwen murmured as she rubbed her granddaughter's back. Her eyes jumped up when she saw Ruthie. "There you are sleepyhead, you were sound asleep and we didn't want to wake you. You missed breakfast, but if you'd like something I'll make you some pancakes or something?" She expressed a kind smile at Ruthie.

Ruthie shook her head, ignoring the rumble in her stomach. "That's fine. I'm not much of a breakfast eater." She put forth a weak smile.

"Are you sure?" Gwen asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, sure," Ruthie insisted as she looked around wearily. "Where is everyone?"

"Simon just went up to take a shower. Cecilia, Meredith, Kelly, and Danny are in the family room, I believe," George informed her just as the phone on the wall started ringing. Gwen started to get up with the baby still in her arms. Before she could leave the table, George plopped his newspaper down on the table. "Don't be silly, Gwen. I've got the phone." Gwen gave her husband a hesitant weak smile as she sat back down with the baby.

"If you insist," Gwen snorted as she gently rocked Madi. Her eyes aimed frivolously at Ruthie. She sighed, "It's been so long since I've had a baby to hold." She looked down with loving eyes at her granddaughter, "I wish Simon and Cecilia lived closer, it'd be nice to get to see little Madi here more often." Ruthie asserted a feeble smile; she didn't know what to say to that.

George made it across the room to reach for the phone. "Hello, Smith residence" … "Oh hey, yeah, Simon's in the shower right now, but Ruthie's standing right here." He nodded as he motioned Ruthie to come closer. "It's your brother…Matt," he whispered in Ruthie's ear.

"Uh, hey Matt," Ruthie answered as she took the phone from Mr. Smith.

"Hey Ruthie, how's it going?" her brother's voice, which quivered a bit, came through the receiver.

"It's going," she responded queerly. "What's up?"

"Well, nothing's going on here. I was just wondering if Simon and you…or Simon, you, and Cecilia if she wants…would want to come over and hang out for awhile? Sarah's gone to work, and it's just the kids and me. It has been awhile since we've just…_hung out_, you know?" There was something offbeat in his voice, but Ruthie found herself chuckling lightly. She remembered that last time they had _hung out_. Dreadfully, Lucy and Mary had been presence also. She smiled to herself as she remembered when Simon had suggested that just the three of them should hang out.

"That sounds good to me, and I'm sure Simon will be all for it," Ruthie accepted her brother's offer. "I'll tell him when he's out of the shower."

"Good, I'll see you guys in a bit, then?" he seemed to be asking for confirmation.

"Yeah, see you then," Ruthie cut off the line. She looked up to see Cecilia and Meredith standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. Meredith had her hands on her hips as she gazed viciously toward Ruthie.

"Who was that?" Cecilia asked quietly.

"Just Matt, he wants Simon and me to come hang out with him…he said you could come too," Ruthie told her sister-in-law as her eyes tried to avoid direct contact with Meredith. Something about Meredith's gaze made her heart begin to pump irregularly. _She knows, _Ruthie suddenly felt. A string of sweat started to travel down her forehead.

"Intriguing," Meredith raised her brows up and down in an unnatural manner.

"Uh—are you okay, Meredith?" Ruthie asked hesitantly.

Meredith's eyes directed toward her foster parents, who now also seemed to be directing their attention toward Meredith's peculiar behavior. "Oh, yeah, _I'm _just dandy."

Cecilia paced toward her mother and daughter. She reached for the little girl and took her out of her mother's arms. Her forefingers stroked the little girl's back gently as she looked up at Ruthie. "I think I'm just going to stay here," she told looking back and forth between her parents and Meredith. "I don't know when we'll be back here, and I'd like to spend some time with my family. Though, you and Simon should go over to Matt's."

Ruthie nodded with understanding. "Alright then, I'll go let him know." She made a run for the doorway and started heading up the stairway.

Her heart started racing as she started to run. Somehow, she felt like someone was following her. Her legs stretched farther and farther as she reached for the end of the hall way, where the bathroom was. She was half way down the hallway when she looked back and her heart stopped.

Meredith was right behind her, her arms were crossed and her eyes aimed wickedly into Ruthie's. "Uh, hi Meredith," Ruthie whispered. "Did you…uh…talk to Peter?"

She cackled like a witch. "What do you think?"

"That's a yes," Ruthie raised her eyebrows.

"Mhmm… I can't believe you Ruthie! Yes, Peter told me everything. You _slept _with him? What were you _thinking_?" Meredith spat. "Don't you care about anyone's feelings but your own?"

Her heart stopped. _This is great, just great_, she couldn't believe that Peter had told Meredith that _they _had slept together. It was bad enough that the word would get out that she had been with Martin. Now the world would fully know she was a slut. "Look, Meredith, I'm sorry. I know you care about him. It…it just happened."

"—whoa, sister, this isn't about me!" Meredith spat. _Isn't it her feelings she's talking about…her feelings for Peter? _Ruthie stared dazzled into Meredith's fiery eyes. "I'm _long _over him! I've been over him since he told me that he got another woman pregnant! This isn't about me. This is about Peter's feelings. He loved you, and you just completely took advantage of that." Then it hit her, with a sigh of relief. Meredith was talking about Martin. Peter had told her about _Martin_.

"Peter and I weren't in a relationship at the time," Ruthie whispered. "It's not like I _cheated _on him. It's nothing like that." She rolled her eyes and shot, "Peter hadn't talked to me in over two months!"

"And your point is?" Meredith asked slowly. "The only reason he didn't contact you was because you blew him off before you left."

She didn't know what to say. Anger rushed through her veins, and part of her wanted to just slap Meredith. Meredith had no right to get in the middle of it. It wasn't her business at all. Ruthie already regretted it all unconditionally; she didn't need Meredith shoving it right back in her face.

The bathroom door cracked open and Simon stood there wearing a white robe. His jaw dropped when he saw Ruthie and Meredith standing out in the hallway as though they could kill each other.

"Uh—what's going on out here?" Simon asked dubiously.

Ruthie crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. "I was just coming up here to let you know that Matt wants us to come over and hang out. Is that okay? Oh, and Cecilia wants to stay here with her family."

Simon's face straightened as his eyes traveled between Meredith and his own sister. "Alright, sounds good to me. I'll ask Mr. and Mrs. Smith if we can borrow one of their cars. Just…err…let me get dressed first." His face flustered red with the gazes from the two girls. He made a dash for the guest room that he and Cecilia were sleeping in.

He left Meredith and Ruthie alone, both with their arms crossed at each other. "_I'm _going back downstairs," Ruthie spat at her. She knew Meredith wouldn't bother attacking her in front of the rest of her family. _Had Meredith already talked to Cecilia about this? _Ruthie wondered_, what about her siblings? Maybe this is what they were talking about in the living room! _Somehow, Ruthie doubted Mr. and Mrs. Smith knew a word about it.

Ruthie clung in the kitchen close to Cecilia and her parents until Simon came down. Meredith had gone and joined her siblings back in the family room.

Simon was now fully dressed in blue jeans and a long sleeved green striped polo. He wrapped his arms around his wife, and gave her and his daughter pecks on the forehead. "Are you sure you don't want to tag along?" he laughingly asked Cecilia.

"I'm sure," she answered softly. "Like I told Ruthie…" she looked at her parents "…It's not everyday I get to see my family. You go see your family, I'll stay with mine."

Simon nodded with a full understanding. George openly offered him the keys to their spare car. First, Simon insisted on calling Matt to double check with him, and to get the address. When he was done, Ruthie and Simon headed off to Matt and Sarah's house.

From the outside, the house looked like a cozy town-sized house. It had gray siding, and two dormers stuck out from the second level of the house. Pillars formed a small porch on the outside, which white steps led up to. A path from the double unattached garage led up to the porch. But none of that was what stuck out to Ruthie.

On the siding, in the center of the house, was the Star of David.

The door pushed open before Simon and Ruthie could begin making their way up the sidewalk to the porch. Sam and David came running from the door. "Simon! Ruthie!" the twins exclaimed. Behind them, Matt stood in the door way holding Jacob. Noah was standing timidly by his side.

"I'm so glad you guys came," Matt's face stretched a smile, seemingly fake. Even though he seemed to look happy to see them, there was a hint of worry in his face.

"Hey, we're happy to spend time with you," Simon laughed. "Did you think we wouldn't come or something?"

Matt shrugged hesitantly. "I thought…you know, maybe after last night…"

"Hey, don't sweat it man," Simon laughed. "I understand what you're going through completely. Did you forget that I just had a baby of my own?"

Matt chuckled as he led Ruthie and Simon into the house. "Actually, I did," Matt answered. "I can't help but forget that my baby brother's all grown up…and not my baby brother anymore." He glanced over at Sam and David.

Sam and David crossed their arms. "Hey!" they said at the same time. "We're _not _babies!"

"You'll always be our baby brothers though," Simon laughed, "The role that I had for twelve years." He looked between Matt, Ruthie, and the boys.

Ruthie took the time to look around the house. Even though Matt and Sarah had moved in over a month ago, boxes still filled the room. Three brown shelves hung on the light vanilla colored walls. Portrait of Sarah and Matt's families filled those shelves; including Matt's senior picture, their wedding pictures, and a picture that made Ruthie's eyes freeze: her parents. She found herself moving closer to that picture without warning. Her heart beat without feeling. She had entered an altered state of awareness.

They looked happy. Her father was clinging onto her mother's shoulders as their faces smiled toward the camera. The picture couldn't have been more than five years old; in fact, she bet it had been taken for their twenty-fifth anniversary – only four years prior. A bucket load of chills entered her body as she realized next August would have been her parents' thirtieth wedding anniversary. Thirty years was a long time to be with someone. She could only dream of being with someone for that long.

A touch flickered on her shoulder and she flinched. Matt had placed his hand on her shoulder; his face was solemn as he realized the picture she was looking at. "They look so happy," he whispered, sadly. "I can't believe…they're not here."

She stiffened her shoulders as she realized what he was about to say. _"I can't believe they're gone." _But their mother wasn't gone, not yet; unless she gave her brothers her approval.

Matt appeared to be in a daze, until minutes later he rapidly shook his head. "Sorry about that," he apologized. He looked over at Sam and David. "Hey, boys, why don't you go play with Jacob and Noah in their room?"

"That means that they want to have a grown up conversation," Sam sighed, looking at his twin brother.

"We always miss the good stuff!" David sighed. He looked at his brothers and sister. "It's not fair, why can't we be here? We're old enough."

Matt smiled weakly at his brothers. He wrapped his arm around Sam. "It's not that you're not old enough, it's just Jacob and Noah needs someone to play with them, I don't suppose you could do that…could you?"

Sam sighed. "I suppose we don't have a choice." The eight-year-olds each took one of their nephews and sprinted out of the room, leaving Ruthie alone with her older brothers.

"They sure listen to you," Simon grinned with wide eyes toward his older brother. But Matt wasn't grinning, instead he was frowning. His brown eyes were glazed over as he gawked down at his feet. Ruthie couldn't remember a time when she, herself, had seen her oldest brother so depressed. Though, Simon had told her about a time when his girlfriend had moved to New York, leaving him alone.

"I…hope you'll excuse the mess," Matt said as he took a seat on the couch. "This is the first time I've actually been home since we moved in here. We've both been just so busy."

"Hey, believe me, my house isn't exactly squeaky clean either," Simon insisted as he sat down next to Matt. "No pressure."

Ruthie remained standing as she gaped down at her two brothers. Matt folded his elbows into his lap and placed his head in his hands. His eyes were directed at his feet. Something wasn't right.

"Matt…" Ruthie trailed. "What's wrong? You don't look yourself." Her heart went out to her eldest brother, who obviously needed it. For the first time that day, her thoughts went away from her own woeful self.

Matt shook his head. "It's…nothing." Simon's face filled with concern as he saw his brother trembling. Matt's face had turned red and clammy, like it did when he was worried.

"No, it's something…," Simon observed. "What's wrong, Matt? Ruthie's right. You're clammy." He grabbed his brother's sweaty palm.

Matt sighed. His eyes aimed conspicuously at Ruthie. "You talked to Sarah yesterday, didn't you?"

"Uh…yeah," Ruthie frowned, wondering if Sarah had told him anything. Her eyes aimed toward Simon, who shrugged.

"Did she…say anything to you?" Matt asked.

"By _anything _what do you mean?" Ruthie asked, suddenly realizing the serious tone in her brother's voice.

Matt looked up at the ceiling. His eyes were red, as if he was holding back tears. "I don't know…Sarah's been acting…_weird_ lately. And by weird, not pregnant-weird, if you know what I mean. Like, she's been overly religious. I mean, she's always been strong in her faith, but lately it's like that's all she talks about. She's been pushing me to convert…which she's never been _pushy _about before. I mean, she's suggested it on occasion…like when we found out we were pregnant the first time, she _suggested _it. But she never pushed."

Simon shrugged, "Did it ever occur to you that maybe she just wants you to convert for the sake of the children? Wasn't your original plan to convert when you had children anyway?"

Matt shook his head. "It was… and I've never been overly religious my self, anyway. And I did think hardcore about it...but now, especially now that Dad's gone, I'm not so sure I want to convert. It just doesn't feel…right. Dad said he wanted to be there when I did…and he can't be now. Technically, the boys are born Jews now anyway. It's not like me converting will make it any different." Simon wrapped his arm around his older brother.

"Is that it?" Ruthie asked. "It's just her…pushing you to convert now?"

Matt shook his head, pushing away from Simon. He stood straight up and looked at Ruthie. "No. That's just the beginning. In past years, in New York anyway, I would always put up a small Christmas tree…even last year, after the boys were born. But this year, she freaked out when I went to put it up. She said that we didn't need it. I mean, I thought we had an understanding. That our marriage was interfaith."

"Is there anything else?" Ruthie asked hesitantly.

He looked up at the ceiling and pressed his hands together, as though he was about to pray. "Yes…" his voice cracked up. He wiped a tear rolling down his cheek with his thumb. "Sarah…she's…well, it was she who suggested that we pull the plug on Mom…and at first, it made sense…and I've done my research, and though it seems like the best thing…I don't know…"

"_What_?" Ruthie gasped. "S-Sarah said that you wanted to pull the plug out of fear. She said you were afraid to see Mom enter a permanent vegetative state…"

Matt's eyes widened with glossiness. "I guess that's true…" he murmured. "…but, it wasn't my idea to begin with. She suggested it, in a way that I can't explain. It was like she was afraid of what would happen if Mom did wake up. Like…no…it can't be…"

Ruthie took a seat in between her brothers and pressed her hand on Matt's shoulder. "What can't be?" she whispered.

He shook his head. "L-Like Mom knew something, that Sarah didn't want her to tell me…oh God…" his eyes shined with fright bouncing between Ruthie and Simon. "You…You guys don't think she's having an affair, do you? What if Mom found out about it before she went into the coma? What if this baby's not mine? I-I can't help but wonder."

"No!" Simon and Ruthie both said at the same time.

"Why would she want you to convert if this baby wasn't yours?" Simon's voice aimed shockingly at Matt. "That doesn't even remotely make sense."

"You're right," Matt let out a breath of relief. "Absolutely right, I was foolish to think that…Sarah wouldn't have an affair. But that doesn't explain why she's been pushing me away. Last time, when she was pregnant with the twins, she wanted me there every step of the way. This time, she'll push me out of bed at random. You have no idea how many nights I've spent sleeping on this couch because she didn't want me there."

Simon gave his brother an inquisitive gaze. "Have you asked Sarah about what's bothering her?" he asked. "I know if Cecilia was pushing me away, the first thing I would do is ask her about it."

"I tried," Matt took a deep breath. "But she insisted that she was absolutely fine, that I shouldn't worry about it." Then his eyes widened again as he looked at Simon and Ruthie. "What if something's wrong with the baby, something that she's not telling me?"

"You're the gynecologist…" Ruthie dawdled as she gave Matt a stupefied look.

"Yeah, but I could never treat my own wife. I mean, I know that Hank delivered both of Aunt Julie's kids. I just couldn't be held responsible for my own children. If something went wrong…I couldn't live with myself." Matt buried his face in his hands again. "She's seeing a gynecologist at a private office. There was only one appointment she went to that I couldn't get off for…you don't think…?"

"Matt, if something was wrong with the baby, I'm sure she would tell you," Simon comforted his brother. "I bet whatever it is, has nothing to do with the baby, or you. Maybe it's something from her past…"

Matt's eyes lit up as he jumped off the couch and looked down at his brother and sister. "I bet that's it! I…I bet that's exactly it. It's something from her past that has been killing her because of all the emotions she's going through right now with the pregnancy. I bet you're right, Simon!" He patted Simon on the shoulder, whose face flushed red with embarrassment.

Ruthie's heart lifted when she saw her brother smile again. Her eyes drifted back to that same portrait she had been looking at earlier; her parents. Her mother's wavy perm traveled down her ears. Ruthie wanted to reach for her mother, to wrap her arms around her, to apologize. A tear started to trickle from her eye; she hadn't seen her mother since that day when she had still been in the hospital.

"Matt, Simon," Ruthie whispered. "I-I want to go see Mom."

Slowly, she turned her head back to her brothers. Both were staring at her in shock. "Is that a good idea?" Simon reluctantly asked Matt.

Matt shrugged, sighing. "I don't see how it's not. Ruthie's seen Mom the least out of all of us. And it is Christmas Eve. I think it's a good idea. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll run into my wife while I'm there…"

"…we can't take the children," Simon cut in. Matt placed his hand on Ruthie's shoulder. He was insisting that he be the one to take Ruthie. "Oh, okay, I see…I'll stay behind and watch them."

"Good, you're the best Simon," Matt broadly grinned. He grabbed his jacket and motioned Ruthie to follow. "C'mon."

_Now? _Ruthie thought_, already? _When she had said she wanted to see her mother, she hadn't thought her brother would respond so openly. With her heart racing, she followed Matt to his car. Butterflies swept in her stomach. Was she doing the right thing? It was the holiday season; she owed it to her mother to go and visit her.

Matt didn't say a word on the way to the hospital. Instead, they both sat in silence. Ruthie found herself focusing her attention outside the window. A small boy wearing a heavy jacket was riding his bike down the sidewalk; a dog was barking as a young woman walked past with her dog; and three children were playing tag in front of a townhouse. Life was an endless clock. She didn't know any of these people, and they didn't know her. It was like there were two lines, her life, and everyone else's. While they seemed to cross paths, it didn't seem to make a difference.

She noticed the same when they arrived at the hospital. Everyone was continuing their busy lives, even though it was the Holiday season. They all had their own thoughts, their own missions in life, and their own families waiting for them. However, only they would know that. As they were entering the critical wing of the hospital, a nurse pushed past onto the elevator with a cart of medical utensils. Ruthie was reminded of Nurse Ellie, the nurse that had been there for her when she was in the hospital and worked for the devilish Dr. Cambridge. Suddenly, she thought of her son Dookie. Was Nurse Ellie working this holiday season? Ruthie hoped she would be home with her son, he needed her.

The door to her mother's room was open. Matt stood next to her; like he had that last time she had come to visit her mother. He gazed solemnly at her as he allowed her to take her time. Ruthie took a deep breath as she attempted to calm herself. Her heart continued to race with anxiety as she crossed over the line between her mother's room and the hallway. Slowly, Matt followed behind her.

A rush of cold air brushed against Ruthie's face as she entered the hospital room. She found herself looking at the ceiling, the one place she was safe to look. Breathing deeply, she lowered her head. At the first sight of her mother, she flinched and fell back. Fortunately, she was caught by Matt.

"It's okay Ruthie, you can do this," he told her calmly as he helped her back on her feet.

He tightly gripped her hand as she walked over to her mother's bedside. Her blue eyes half open, as was her mouth. Last time, her eyes had been closed. If Ruthie didn't know better, she would think she was awake. But she wasn't. Her eyes were paler than ever before; glazed as though they had been frosted over. The color seemed to be sucked out of her skin. She was pale, like the deceased on the crime shows Ruthie had seen.

The beeping from the heart monitor throbbed in Ruthie's ear drum. It was the only indication that her mother's heart still pumped. Trembling, Ruthie placed her hand on her mother's wrist. "M-Mom," she mouthed, sniffling. Tears watered up in her eye sockets. Her eyes began to burn. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry I put you here…I'm sorry I haven't been to see you." She bent over and wrapped her arms across her mother's chest. "I love you, Mom."

A ringing sound jolted Ruthie off of her mother's bed. She twirled around to see Matt fumbling in his pocket for his cell phone. _How convenient, _Ruthie rolled her eyes. Leave it for someone in their family to ruin the moment by calling them.

"It's Sarah," Matt whispered as he flipped his phone open to talk to his wife. "Hi, Honey. How are you?" His eyes glossed over wearily. "Actually, I'm at the hospital with Ruthie visiting Mom. Simon's watching the kids…what is wrong?" Matt's jaw dropped. "Oh _shit_! We'll be right over there."

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm sorry, but I just had to do it… this does push me back a little bit, but you know how I love cliffhangers…


	35. Change of Plans

Outside Heaven

Chapter 35

Change of Plans

Ruthie's blood seemed to freeze as she stared into her oldest brother's wan eyes. His skin had seemingly turned an olive color, and he looked as though he could vomit. Something was wrong. Ruthie could be certain of one thing; whatever Sarah's call had been about was not good news.

"Matt…?" Ruthie's voice quivered as she questioned her older brother.

Matt shook his head rigidly. His eyes froze for a moment as he stared at his still mother. Ruthie turned her head back quickly; she hoped that he had noticed something in her. Her heart sunk when she saw her brother in the same frozen position. The only difference: her eyes were now closed. She jerked her head back and stared at her dumb-struck brother.

"We've got to go," he mouthed hoarsely as he grabbed Ruthie's wrist tightly. "Come on!"

"What is wrong?" Ruthie demanded as she was being drug out of her mother's hospital room. "Is something wrong with Sarah or the baby? She's not going into premature labor is she?

"Huh?" Matt stopped for a minute and fixed his eyes on Ruthie with a confused gaze. When he came back to terms, he shook his head. "Oh no, it's not Sarah. Sarah's fine. I-It's Lucy."

_Lucy? _Ruthie's head throbbed. Matt started running for the elevator and Ruthie ran after. When they were in the elevator; Matt immediately pressed the ground level button. The ground level was the floor the Emergency Room was in. "What is wrong with Lucy?" Ruthie demanded. The last Ruthie had heard, Lucy was supposed to be helping Chandler prepare for the Nativity scene. Then it hit her. _Lucy's pregnant. Oh shit. _

"She just came in by ambulance," Matt answered in a hustle. "Kevin called Sarah because he knew she was on duty. Sarah didn't say anything else. But this can't be good."

"No shit," Ruthie blurted out without thinking. She didn't know what to think. All Ruthie knew was, it couldn't be good for the sake of the baby or Lucy. With Lucy's previous history, Ruthie knew that Christmas had just taken another flip upside down. She hadn't thought the holiday could get any worse as is.

She fought to keep up with her older brother, who by now knew the hospital upside down and right side up. He stormed through the hallway, the lobby, and into the Emergency wing of the hospital. When they got there, Sarah was waiting.

"Matt!" she gasped and wrapped her arms around him. Ruthie crossed her arms and raised her eyebrows. From the surface, an outsider would never predict there was something wrong with Matt and Sarah's marriage. On the outside, they looked like your average couple. There was so much love in their eyes when they saw each other, the same love she had seen in her mother and father's eyes when they looked at each other. Whatever was going on underneath the surface, Ruthie hoped they would work it out. She would hate to see them separate.

There she was again, alone with Matt and Sarah. The Emergency Room lobby was surprisingly empty, for it being Christmas Eve. Their only company was the lobbyist and an elderly woman whose eyes were bloodshot red, as if she had been crying.

Something about it seemed to force memories back to last May. She remembered when Matt and Sarah had gone way out of their way to help her conceal her secret. And yet, at the time, she hadn't appreciated it at all. She hadn't deserved their kindness. To top it all, it had all been a waste. Neither Matt nor Sarah had brought up that day again. Ruthie couldn't help but wonder what Sarah had told Dr. Smith; something she might never know.

"Where's Lucy? What's wrong with her? Is anyone else here? Aren't you supposed to be on the job?" Matt strung his wife with questions as he gaped into her brown, watery eyes.

Sarah shook her head and frowned. "I called Simon, he's going to drop the kids off at Cecilia's parent's house and head over…"

"…you're not answering the first question," Matt cut in. "Lucy. What's wrong with her? What happened? Did she get hurt? It's not the baby, is it?"

Sarah frowned and let out a somber sigh. "She and Kevin were helping Chandler set up for the…what do you call it…Nativity, right?" Matt nodded impatiently. "Anyway," Sarah continued, "I guess she started having severe cramps…they called 9-1-1 immediately, and that's honestly all I know. They won't give me any information because I'm not a blood relative."

"But you work here," Ruthie insisted. "That should count for something."

Sarah shrugged with a hand on her own belly. "I thought it did too."

Matt shook his head and walked over to the lobby desk. A short, plump curly black-haired woman sat at the desk. Her small nose was stuck on the computer; she took no obvious notice to Matt's standing there. "Excuse me, I need a recent update on Lucy Kinkirk's condition," Matt said, with a tint of rudeness.

"Are you a blood relative?" the receptionist grumbled, not looking up from her computer.

"I'm her brother," Matt answered quickly and added snidely, "Dr. Matt Camden."

"Matt. Camden?" the shocked woman separated his name distinctly as she finally took her nose out of the computer. "The name sounds familiar. Didn't you used to work here?"

Matt smirked, and held back a laugh. "I do work here, I'm a gynecologist."

"No… no, like maybe eight years ago?" she inquired.

Matt nodded and crossed his arms giving the woman a queer look. "Betty…Betty Lundy? Married to Dr. Lundy, right?"

A big smile took over her plump face. "You remember!"

Ruthie's eyes focused toward her sister-in-law. Sarah shrugged, like she was used to it. Of course she was. Matt probably ran into old colleagues at the hospital all the time, considering the circumstances.

"Yeah, now can you give me information on my sister?" Matt's tone turned serious as he gazed into her glowing eyes.

"Yes, of course," she smiled. _Gee, it sure helps when you know people, _Ruthie laughed to herself. "So, is this your wife?" Betty quickly looked up at Sarah as she searched information on Lucy into the computer.

Matt wrapped his arm around Sarah and answered, "Yes, this is." He glanced at Ruthie, "And that's my sister, Ruthie."

"Ruthie…Ruthie…the name sounds familiar," Betty commented taking a glance at Ruthie. Suddenly it seemed to click. "Oh my…weren't you…?" She saw the woman's face frown. "I remember now…you came in here the end of last May."

Ruthie blushed. Regardless to how hard she tried to forget the accident and move on, it seemed to keep showing back up in her face.

Her eyes gaped at the puke-colored wall. Why would anyone paint a hospital lobby the color of vomit? Somehow, hospitals always made her want to vomit. Maybe that was the setting they were trying to create.

Matt seemed to notice the uncomfortable look on his sister's face. "So, did you find anything?" he questioned hurriedly.

Betty nodded and frowned. "It looks like she's been sent to emergency surgery."

Matt suctioned in a large gasp of air. His eyes showed the utmost concern. "Okay, on what nature?"

"That's the strange part, it does not say," Betty frowned and shook her head.

Matt's eyes turned red with fury. "Don't play me. I know the system better than anyone. When a patient is omitted, it is required for the doctors to put in which room the patient is in, if they are in surgery, recovery, or stable; and surgeries are required to be noted."

"I am not lying," Betty insisted, looking a little insulted. "Come look for yourself." She turned the computer around slightly so Matt could read. From the distance she was at, Ruthie squinted. Under _"Type" _it read: _N/A_.

"I'm going to kill that bastard doctor," Matt growled as he read the computer screen. "Surgery Room 111, I'm on my way back." His face with red with anger and he made his way for the doorway to the emergency rooms.

"Matt…you can't!" Betty cried. "Take a seat, relax, I'm sure your sister will be fine. She's in good hands, and you of all people should know that. I'm sure it was just a mishap by the enterer."

Sarah reached for her husband's arm. She forced a tight grasp on his arm. "Please, Matt, don't. She—Betty is right. I'm sure Lucy will be fine. Kevin's got to be back with her. Just wait, please…for me?"

Mat t turned around, his face still angry red, and let out a sigh. Sarah's fingers still gripped tightly around his wrist. He sulked, "There's nothing I can do anyway." He moved toward the closest chair and sat down, Sarah sat next to him. Ruthie followed, and sat next to Sarah.

"You're right, there is nothing you can do for her," Sarah whispered. "And I know how you hate being powerless. For you, it is really hard."

Matt let go of his wife's hand and set his head in his palms. Ruthie could hear him starting to sob. "I guess so. It's my biggest weakness, especially when it comes to my family…" he looked up toward Ruthie and Sarah, now with bloodshot eyes. "Especially when it comes to my own family; maybe…if there was something I could've done…Dad would still be alive, and Mom wouldn't be on the verge of death herself…maybe, if I would've been here…Lucy wouldn't be so angry with herself. If she loses another baby, I'll never forgive myself."

"No," Ruthie whispered. She reached over her sister-in-law's lap and placed her hand on Matt's knee. "None of this is your fault. You can't let yourself believe that."

"Listen to your sister," Sarah looked into her husband's watered down eyes. "She's right. You can't blame yourself for this."

"But if I hadn't been so focused on my own future, had I been here for my family. Had we moved back when Dad asked—,"

"—Dad asked you to move back?" Ruthie cut in, her eyebrows raised and her jaw dropped. Spots of dryness filled her throat. _Had we moved back when Dad asked…_, the words repeated in her head; she hadn't known. Ruthie always knew that Matt and Sarah would move back, but she never imagined it being after her parents were _gone_. She had always figured it would be after they graduated medical school, finished their residency, and had a couple kids who would get the chance to grow up knowing their grandparents. Ruthie had always figured she would go off to college and see them only on holidays. It was amazing how plans could change.

Matt dried his tears with his hand. "Yeah," he sobbed. "It was before Christmas…his last Christmas. I remember it was before you called with the whole _Mom and Dad are getting a divorce _rumor." He shook his head and Sarah gently stroked his hair. "I thought he was just being selfish, wanting us to move back for the sake of moving back. So, I just blew him off. I told him we were happy in New York, and that was that…then, a few weeks later we found out…and it all made sense."

She stared at Matt and Sarah dryly. Ruthie had always assumed that her father had _told _Matt and Mary to continue living their lives. It made sense, after all. She had figured her father wouldn't have wanted his health condition to interfere with his children's lives. That was more her mother's thing. _Then again, they forced me to come home, _Ruthie remembered. She had been under eighteen; they could force her to come home. They couldn't force Matt and Mary. Suddenly, it all made sense.

"Why?" Ruthie whispered in a demanding voice. "Why didn't you move back then, after you knew?" It wasn't like had they moved back then it would have changed things, but it would have helped. Maybe it would have relieved some of their father's stress, having his children closer to him. Could it have caused him to live longer? Who could really know?

"Ruthie, don't make this any harder on your brother than it already is," Sarah insisted, rubbing Matt's back.

"No, she has to right to know," Matt confronted his wife. His eyes focused toward Ruthie. "Because I was selfish, only thinking of my self and my own family, part of me wanted to believe that Dad wasn't really sick. That was why I spent months calling the best doctors in the state of New York. I thought they could tell me different…but by the time I came to the conclusion that there was no hope, it was too late. Sarah and I filed for our transfers a week before Dad died."

Ruthie's throat clotted with moisture as the memories of her late father's passing circled in her mind. No matter how much she wanted to be angry with her brother, she couldn't. So much time had passed, and so much had happened since all of that had gone down. After all Matt had done for her, how could she resent him now?

Tears boiled in Ruthie's eyes, until the moment was disrupted by a familiar voice. "There you guys are!" Ruthie, Matt, and Sarah flinched as they looked up to see Simon standing before them. Behind him, Cecilia was standing. Both of their eyes were filled with concern. "Where's Lucy? Is she okay, what about the baby?" Simon instantly questioned with a quiver in his voice. Matt shook his head; his eyes were still filled with water. Simon took note to the sadness in his brother's eyes and grabbed his wife's wrist, "It's not too late, no…it can't be," he trembled as tears watered up in his own eyes. Cecilia gently worked her arm down his and wrapped her arm around her husband's waist.

Matt's eyes dropped wide open and a startled look took over his face. He glanced toward Sarah and Ruthie, whose mouths both dropped open in return. "No, Simon—that's n-not what we're sad about .We was just talking…about Dad," Matt choked out. He coughed, adjusted his voice, and took a deep breath.

"Oh," Simon whispered solemnly as he placed his fingers in betwixt his wife's.

"Yeah," Matt whispered. His tone abruptly changed to the manly, more mature doctor voice they had all grown used to. "Simon, I'm sorry for letting you think that…you know. We don't know anything about Lucy, just that she's been taken into surgery."

Simon's jaw dropped. "_Surgery, _she's been taken into surgery? What's wrong with her? Is it the baby?" He eyes, full of concern, glared toward Matt searching for some answers. Ruthie was amazed with the concern her brothers were showing for Lucy, considering just yesterday Ruthie was sure she wasn't the only one who wished Lucy didn't exist. Well, she hadn't wished that out-front, but she might as well have.

Matt's face saddened as he shook his head. Before he could open his mouth, a calm, trite voice came from the hallway leading into the Emergency zone. "You're all here." Matt and Simon both jerked toward the direction of the voice, and he appeared. His broad shoulders stuck out as he stood tall. An emotionless expression wore on his face; it was difficult to read whether they were to receive good or bad news.

"Kevin!" Simon cried as he let go of his wife and moved toward Kevin. He was instantly followed by Matt, Cecilia, and a waddling Sarah. Reluctantly, Ruthie also sprung out of her chair and followed. She placed her hands on her hips and waited for the news.

"Is she okay? Is Lucy okay?" Matt demanded urgently.

Kevin took a deep breath and nodded solemnly. "Lucy's fine." Ruthie could tell from the crack in his uncannily calm voice that he was leaving out something.

"The baby…?" Simon murmured.

The emotionless expression on Kevin's face deteriorated as he frowned. "T-The baby's gone," Kevin exasperated. He shook his head, "Lucy doesn't know yet…she hasn't woken up yet. She's supposed to be waking up any minute."

Cold swept through the air, and Ruthie felt goose bumps crawling up her arm. She bowed her head and looked down at her feet. _Crap, _she thought. Her body filled with fear for Lucy and the rest of their family.

Inching her head upward, she saw Matt, Sarah, Simon, and Cecilia's sorrowful faces. "I'm so sorry," Sarah whispered, clenching onto her own unborn child.

"So am I," Kevin respired. He suctioned in a hard breath. He added, with a hint of excitement, "But there is good news."

Ruthie raised her eyebrow as she watched Matt, Sarah, Simon, and Cecilia's gazes turn peculiar toward Kevin. "Which is?" they all said at once.

"They discovered why Lucy's body keeps miscarrying," he announced with excitement. "And it's fixable."

Their eyes all widened with shock. "Why? What is it?" Matt implored curiously.

"It's because Lucy has O-negative blood, and I have O-positive…her body has been rejecting the baby…they say if she gets a shot, it shouldn't happen," Kevin announced. "But…I haven't told her this, and I'm a little worried with how she's going to react."

Matt shook his head dismally. "I should have known…it should have been me to suggest that to you. Gah—now I feel like this is my entire fault."

"Stop," Sarah demanded. "Stop blaming yourself. As far as that goes, I should have realized that…"

"You didn't know Lucy has O-negative blood. I did." Matt frowned, whimpering.

Simon and Cecilia shook their heads and focused their attention away from Matt and Sarah. "Kevin, that's great news. I'm sure Lucy will be _happy_, she shouldn't be upset about it." Simon placed his hand on Kevin's shoulder with encouragement. Kevin's face was still full of uncertainty.

Just as Simon did so, the door behind them opened. A doctor Ruthie didn't recognize stepped out with a clipboard in his hand. "Mr. Kinkirk, your wife is awake. You can go back and see her," he announced, looking straight into Kevin's eyes.

Cautiously, Kevin nodded. After being acknowledged by Kevin, the doctor walked over to Betty and started having a conversation that Ruthie couldn't be bothered to listen in on. His eyes traveled at Simon and Matt, looking for some sort of guidance. Matt nodded, seeing where Kevin was going. Matt gave his wife a peck on her swollen lips, "You should get back to work."

"I guess I should go check in over there," Sarah sighed. "If nothing to my excitement is going on over there, I would just as rather be over here – at least I know it's about to get interesting." The sad part was; Ruthie knew _exactly _what she meant and feared that she was right.

Matt laughed with a wince of sarcasm. He kissed Sarah's forehead before she disappeared into the hallway that led outside of their area. After Sarah was gone, Simon turned to Matt, "Did you talk to her?"

In response, Matt shook his head and whispered, "I didn't have the chance, and I didn't need to…she was acting normal. That's not just something I could bring up in _public_. I'll talk to her when we're in the privacy of our own home."

Kevin and Cecilia both showed remote confusion in their faces. "Well, I guess I'm going to go talk to Lucy…she's probably waiting for me," Kevin murmured, his voice was overtaken by worry.

"I'm coming too," Matt insisted.

Simon sighed, "I guess I am too."

Ruthie rolled her eyes and said without thinking, "I guess I will too…if it's okay." She didn't know _why _she wanted to back and talk to her sister; to observe? Of course, she knew all she would be observing was Lucy's tears. Then, when she found out about the blood-type ordeal, she would probably blame Kevin. Since, after all, if he weren't O-positive…well, none of it would have happened.

They all gaped toward Cecilia, who started laughing lightly. "I'm staying in the waiting room, you guys have fun." _Fun, _wasn't a word Ruthie would even remotely choose to use for the given situation.

She started to follow Matt, Simon, and Kevin for the hallway, until she heard a voice yell, "Hold on!" They whipped around to see Betty standing straight up aiming her eyes, which were too small for her large head, toward them. "I'm only supposed to allow two at a time." Ruthie noticed that the doctor was now gone.

Matt smiled weakly, "Well, I'm a doctor, so I don't count – and Kevin used to be a cop, so he doesn't count either. So, we have two." He placed his hands on Ruthie and Simon's shoulders.

Betty stood stupefied. "I guess that makes sense, continue on."

When they were out of the lobby, Simon laughed, "I can't believe you got by with _that_."

Matt shrugged, "Betty and me go way back. I think I can get her to do anything for me." Simon and Ruthie followed Matt and Kevin who seemed to know exactly where they were going.

When they stopped, Ruthie looked through the wide window in front of her. She saw her sister lying on the bed facing it. Lucy's eyes were drooped; she appeared extremely weak and tired. Tubes came from the machines into her nose to help her breathe. Hesitating, Ruthie followed behind her brothers and brother-in-law.

"Lucy," Kevin whispered when he entered. Lucy's head jerked lively toward his voice.

"Kevin," she murmured. "What happened? Is our baby okay?"

Kevin's eyes started to water up. It felt awkward to see _Kevin_ on the verge of tears. He always wore such an optimistic strong emotionless image. Kevin knelt down on one knee and placed his hand on his wife's wrist. He stroked her hands gently. "You see…"

"…Luce," Matt cut in. "You know you have O-negative blood, right?"

Tears were already flowing from Lucy's worn-out eyes. "My baby," she whispered, ignoring Matt. "No…it can't be…no!" Streams of liquid came down her face. "No…no…" she quivered and Kevin wrapped his arms around her trying to comfort her.

"Lucy, your body has been rejecting the baby because of your blood type," Matt tried to explain, but Lucy was too far lost. _Why am I even here? _Ruthie wondered; her stomach churned as she watched her sister mourn the fourth child she had lost. "Luce, it's fixable…" But then Matt stopped. Tears had started to water up in his eyes now too; it was too much. Matt turned to Simon and Ruthie, "I-I can't do this," he whispered and abruptly ran out of the room.

"It's all you fault," Lucy said suddenly, her eyes were directed at Simon.

"What?" Simon asked. "_Excuse _me? How is it _my _fault?"

Kevin lifted his head off of his wife's chest and stared down at her blankly. "It's my fault, Honey, not Simon's." It was the first time Ruthie had seen Kevin stand up against his wife.

"Don't be foolish," Lucy bitterly told her husband. "If Simon hadn't been egging me on all of yesterday, _this _would have never happened. I wouldn't have had the added stress. Everything would have been _fine_."

"Lucy," Kevin said quietly. "It has nothing to do with the stress. Next time, all you have to do is get a shot. It's not Simon's fault."

"Oh shut up!" Lucy yelled.

Simon stared at his older sister in shock. "Excuse me? But _I _was egging _you _on? Lucy, you're the one who was making a _fool _out of the whole family! And, _I _egged you on?"

"Oh, don't play so innocent," Lucy rolled her eyes, "you, Matt, and his witch of a wife – wanting to pull the plug on our dear mother. If you guys hadn't brought up _that _this wouldn't have happened."

"Simon…" Ruthie cut in, grabbing her brother's wrist. "Let's…"

"Oh, Ruthie, don't play so innocent!" Lucy screeched. "This is just as much your fault as it is Simon's! If you hadn't run off yesterday my blood pressure wouldn't have risen and…"

"—Lucy, stop! Listen to your self," Simon cut in. "Listen to how _ridiculous _you sound!"

"No, I don't have to! I have the right to say whatever I want," Lucy snarled. "I'm the one who's lost four babies. _Four, _Simon. It's not fair, not fair at all." She paused and looked up at her husband, whose eyes were startled. Not even he could foresee what was about to come, "And all of my siblings, less deserving sinning siblings, have no problems with having children. You all have healthy, perfect children! Why does God punish me? Why, oh why? I've done nothing to serve him. I wish that _you guys _would have to suffer what I've gone through! Why don't you lose four children?"

"Lucy!" Kevin gasped; all of the color had left his face as if those words had evaporated all of the blood in circulation.

"Shit Lucy, have you forgotten…" Ruthie started to say.

Simon quickly placed his hand over Ruthie's mouth. His eyes, now balls of fire, aimed toward Lucy. "Screw it," he mouthed, "One would think that you would be grateful for the two daughters you do have. Some mothers never get the blessing of having one child. You have two! You're a minister, Lucy. You're supposed to be grateful for the gifts you _do _have in life. In that case, you have Savannah and Bekah. Be thankful, but no, all you can think about is yourself." Simon's face was as red as hot tamales as he stared into his older sister's sad, confused eyes.

"S-Simon…" she started.

"Just forget it," Simon snapped. He grabbed Ruthie's wrist. "I-I'm done with this! Cecilia, Ruthie, and I are going back to London. Talk about the worst Christmas ever." Kevin and Lucy both blankly stared into Simon's fiery eyes. Before either could open their mouths, Simon tugged on Ruthie's wrist and murmured, "Come on, let's get out of here."

She couldn't believe this was happening. _Simon and Cecilia are actually going to go back to London now? _The thought traveled through her mind. They were scheduled to stay in Glen Oak until the second of January. Ruthie couldn't believe Simon would actually leave right then and there.

Cecilia and Matt were sitting in the lobby when they came out. Matt's eyes were bloodshot. He had been crying, and from the looks of it Cecilia had been comforting him. When Simon and Ruthie entered, instantly the two jumped out of their chairs.

"What's wrong, Honey?" Cecilia asked as looked into her husband's angry eyes. It was evident that she could tell that something was wrong.

"Let's go get Madi and get out of here," Simon forced out. "I'm done. I can't take it anymore. We're going back to London. The final straw has been pulled."

"What happened back there?" Matt demanded. The water in his eyes seemed to instantly evaporate. "What did she say?" His eyes were directed at Ruthie, not Simon.

In response, Ruthie shrugged. "Oh, just that she wished you all would have to suffer the losses she has."

Matt looked up at the ceiling. "_Shit_," Ruthie heard him murmur.

"You really want to leave?" Cecilia whispered as she grabbed her husband's hand. "You're sure about this?"

Simon brought Cecilia's hand up to his mouth and kissed it. "Yes," he answered, "I'm sure. If I stay here another day I might as well hang myself."

Cecilia's face turned white, like a ghost's. "Well, if that's the case…we could just stay at my parents', you don't have to associate with Lucy. It's Christmas, please. I really want to be with my family for Christmas. They don't see Madi nearly enough."

His eyes aimed at the ceiling; appearing as though he were talking to a higher power. He shook his head. "Fine, we'll stay for Christmas. But I will _not _have anything to do with that bit—my sister."

Ruthie bit her lip. If they stayed at Cecilia's family's house she would have to deal with _Meredith _for the rest of the holiday season. From what she could tell, Meredith hated her. Ruthie wasn't sure if she could handle it. _Maybe it'll give us some time to set things straight, _though she doubted that. Meredith was upset at her for hurting Peter. _Well, she can look on the bright side, _Ruthie told herself_, now she can have Peter all to herself._

"All of the kids are at Cecilia's parents', right?" Matt suddenly asked.

"Yes. Sam, David, Jake, and Noah are all with Cecilia's parents," Simon confirmed quickly.

Matt sighed. "I feel obligated to stay here…she's my sister, but it's Christmas. And I don't see my kids near enough. So, I think I'm going to go pick up the kids..."

"Hey, you're all still here," a voice came from the entry to the Emergency Room. Their heads lifted to see Sarah standing there. Instantly, her face draped when she saw their expressions. "What happened?" She waddled over to her husband, and he wrapped his arm around her.

"It's a long story," Simon sighed.

"Well, I've got the rest of the day off now. So, you can tell me," Sarah lifted her eyebrows with curiosity.

Matt and Simon met eyes. "Eh…" Simon trailed. "Maybe we shouldn't."

Sarah pushed out of her husband's arms and put her hands on her hips. With attitude, she said, "Now, just because I'm _pregnant _doesn't mean I can't handle it. Tell me." She took note to Matt and Simon's equal uncertain gazes that they shared back and forth. "Oh no, we're not hiding secrets, are we?"

Just then, Ruthie felt her pocket vibrate. She had forgotten she had her cell phone with her. Hesitantly she reached for her phone and read the caller identification. Her heart sunk, as she juggled with the idea of whether or not to answer it. She continued to watch Sarah exchange demanding looks with Matt and Simon. Full of anxiety, Ruthie decided to step outside of the lobby.

"Hello?" she whispered as she answered the call. Her heart had begun to race rapidly.

"Ruthie, before you hang up…"

* * *

**Author's Note: **-evil smile- Okay, so originally I said that the big stuff was going to happen in this chapter – uh, well, I lied. It _will _happen in the next chapter.

**Author's Appreciation: **I would like to thank **DaisyAngel **for nominating me for the "FanFiction's Most Beloved Author" on Facebook. Also, a thank you goes out to anyone who has 'liked' me over there. If you would like to 'like' me, the link to the group is on my profile. I am #27. It would be greatly appreciated. (: I'm honored that anyone would even nominate me.


	36. Déjà vu

Outside Heaven

Chapter 36

Déjà vu

_**Here we go again…**_

"_Before you hang up…," _five weeks later, the words still pounded inside her head, giving her a headache. If she had known what was about to come next, she might have just hung up. _"It broke."_

"_W-What broke?" she asked, a feeling of déjà vu flew throughout her body. Goose bumps crawled up her arms and legs, and she was swept with chills. Suddenly, she felt very ill, like she had when she had had chicken pox. _

"_The condom broke, Ruthie. Yesterday, I was going to tell you – so you had time to do what you needed to do. But gosh darn-it Ruthie, you made me so angry. So, I'm telling you now." _

_Her heart was racing faster and faster as she stared into an apparent black hole. She broke into a cold sweat of anxiety. Was that what she was having; an anxiety attack? She suctioned for air, but her lungs had hardened making it difficult to breathe._

"_Ruthie? Are you still there? Say something," Martin's voice echoed inside her ear. _

_Her stomach clenched and she felt nauseous. She didn't know what to say to him. Trembling, she closed her cell phone. It had been nearly twenty-four hours since they had been together. She knew that the morning after pill had to be taken within seventy-two hours. But even then, how could she get it? Did she _want _to get it? _

Five weeks had passed, and Ruthie Camden lay in her empty lonely room. The remainder of her visit in Glen Oak had been nothing but hell. She had spent the majority of it in Cecilia's old room, crying. She had had virtually no contact with Peter, and little with Meredith. For, she made sure to only to force contact with her during meals and family gatherings. Even Kelly and the sister Ruthie barely knew, Christina, had started giving her awkward looks; Ruthie was sure Meredith had told them everything. Cecilia, on the other hand, treated her just the same. Had Meredith not said anything to Cecilia? Ruthie would have thought Cecilia would have set Meredith straight if she had. Or, maybe Cecilia was only pretending to care about her. Ruthie found that hard to believe.

They had little contact with Matt and Sarah over the remainder of the holiday season. Though, Matt and Simon had gotten together on New Years Day to watch football games; typical guy stuff. Ruthie, Cecilia, and Sarah had spent the day watching the children. Ruthie could tell that Sarah still hadn't shared with Matt whatever was bothering her. She had tried to take matters into her own hands by hinting, but Sarah would always change the subject. Whatever it was, Sarah didn't want anyone to know, and Matt was either too chicken to find out, or had tried and came out empty handed.

Over the remainder of the holidays, Ruthie hadn't said a word to her siblings about her conversation with Martin, she just couldn't. At first, Martin didn't try to contact her. Her phone didn't buzz for the remainder of the holidays. It wasn't until she was out of the United States that he tried to contact her.

But she ignored him; she had vowed that she wouldn't answer another call from him. He had ruined her life. She had lost more friends because of him than anyone could imagine.

Each day, her Facebook friend list seemed to get smaller and smaller. Her heart had almost dropped off the face of the Earth when she saw that Peter and Meredith had deleted her. But Kelly hadn't. Ruthie wondered if Kelly was staying behind as a 'spy'.

By then, Ruthie had given up all hope at getting Peter back. She didn't think of him, if she could help it. But still, she did think about Martin. Well, how couldn't she, when he would text her twice a day? Even though she didn't reply, he was still on her mind. _He ruined my life, _she had to remind herself. But somehow, there was some piece of hope in her heart. A piece that she wished wasn't there.

Days after she had returned to England, she had tried to get in contact with Tilly. But Tilly wouldn't answer her phone calls, so Ruthie had taken the liberty of going over to her house in broad daylight. To her disappointment, Tilly had shoved the door right in her face, and called her a, "Whore." Cedric had told her all about the text message he had gotten. Ruthie had tried to explain, but she had told her to get "the hell off her stoop."

Ruthie hadn't bothered contacting Cedric. If someone she had thought was her friend wouldn't let her explain, why would a guy she barely knew? It was a hopeless cause. There she was, left in the dark.

At least she had Simon and Cecilia, and of course baby Madi. That baby had become her life. Now at three months old, the little girl was thriving well. She had just started to roll over from her back to her tummy; Ruthie enjoyed every moment she spent with her.

But she wasn't watching Madi now. It was seven o'clock at night; Simon and Cecilia were in the living room with her, and Ruthie was sitting in her bedroom alone. She had gotten used to being alone; it was something she had been doing frequently lately. However, she wasn't completely alone that evening. In front of her was a familiar object. An object she had held in her hands less than a year ago; only last May. Her throat was clotted as she grasped onto it, not quite sure what to do with it.

It was flipped upside down, just like she had it the last time. _Ruthie, you've got to flip it over, _she told herself. She knew enough time had passed, and it would be readable. But she didn't want to read it.

She had tried to remain in denial for as long as she could. Now that she was two weeks late, she knew that she couldn't avoid it for much longer. The first week, she had told herself that it was just the added stress, that she'd get it. But when another week passed, and she was still late, those hopes faded away.

The night before, she had walked down to the drug store. Instead of taking it in a public restroom, like she should have, she brought the test home. She hadn't had the guts that last night, but now she had to get it over with. It wouldn't be long before Simon and Cecilia found out and shipped her back to California.

Trembling, her hands were clammy and full of sweat, Ruthie flipped the curved object. Her eyes focused in on the blurry black word:

"_Pregnant"_

Tears started streaming uncontrollably down her face. What was she going to do? She had to tell someone. _Remember last time, _she told herself. _I don't have to tell them now, _she convinced herself. What if what happened last time happened this time? Or, what if she had the same condition as Lucy? Now that she thought about it, what was her blood type? She realized her parents had never told her. But if Lucy had O-negative, surely there was a chance she could too. All she could remember was that Matt had said that he and Aunt Julie had donated blood when she needed it.

But her loss hadn't been caused by genetic factors. _Hers _had been caused because of an accident. There was no way Ruthie could ever intentionally put herself through that again. She still remembered the pain, sorrow, and agony she had gone through. She could never wish that upon anyone; especially herself.

The smooth, curved object sat in her hand as she stared down at it. Her train of thought had frozen over as head throbbed. Chills swept throughout her body, and goose bumps not crawled up her arms, but her legs too. She wanted to crawl underneath her covers and fall asleep…forever.

Thoughts of what she was going to do raced through her mind. She knew what she had to do. Tell Simon and Cecilia. Would they really ship her back to California? Only time would tell. Maybe, just maybe, they would hide her out for nine months, she could give the baby up for adoption, and nobody would know.

_Give the baby up for adoption? _Her stomach flipped upside down. She remembered last time, just eight months ago; she would never have considered such a gruesome act. _Adoption's out, _she told herself. She couldn't let herself bear through that, not knowing where her child was.

Then something peculiar hit her, and a peculiar sense overtook her sensations. Without another thought, she grabbed her cell phone and read the tiny date in the corner of the square box. _Monday, January 14__th__ 2008. _Déjà vu slammed her hard in the face. The date, she knew that date.

_"That makes your due date January fourteenth." _That's wonderful_, Ruthie thought. January felt so far away. She imagined her stomach exploding, the thought made her cringe. "Ruthie," Dr. Smith said slowly. "You really don't want this baby, do you?"_

She felt her eyes becoming bloodshot as tears streamed faster and faster down her face. Her face burned, as the salty tears had dried all of the moisture out it making her face raw. Out of the blue, she was hit with a feeling of nauseous. Gobs of salty tasting saliva had built up inside her mouth. She felt faint as she sprang off of her bed, into the hallway, and to the next room, the bathroom. Her stomach purged and she vomited into the clean toilet. She inhaled and exhaled heavily, trying to catch her breath back. Without further ado, she flushed the toilet and ran the sink for drinking water. She realized it had only been moments later she had been in there, performing an all too familiar test.

After she had purged, she actually felt better. She found herself standing in the bathroom alone gaping at her face in the mirror. Her curly, stringy curly brown hair was let down. It had not been styled, barely brushed for that matter, in days. She wore no eye-liner, blush, cover-up, or any sort of materialistic substance. Light red, but faded, strings could be seen running down her forehead and cheeks. One had to be at a mirror's distance to see them clearly.

Her red lips curved downward, showing true expression of a depressed eighteen-year-old female. She tried to remember a time in her life when she had felt the way she did right then and there. Every teenager went through periods of ups and downs; Ruthie had not been any different. But had she ever been depressed? To the point she wanted to self-inflict pain? To the point she wished she didn't exist?

Last May was the only answer. But even then, after her father had died, she never really _wished _she was dead. The idea had always been on the table, and she knew that. But she had never really considered it, or gave it a depth of thought.

Was she now? She didn't know what she was thinking. As far as she was concerned, she was next-to-alone in the world. She found herself wondering who would cry at her funeral. Matt? Simon? Sarah? Cecilia? That was all she could come up with. But would they even care? She was sure Matt and Simon would; she was sure their care for her was real. She had hardly gotten the opportunity to know Sarah _that _well, seeing as the summer after she had married Matt they had fled to New York. And the year they had returned, Ruthie was off with Simon and Cecilia. As for Cecilia, Ruthie had gotten to know her quite well over the years. Still, she couldn't help but wonder what Cecilia _really _thought of her. After all, she had been quite rude to Cecilia back when she was younger.

Why did it matter? Who really cared about what people thought about them? Ruthie never had, at least that was what she told herself. When she was younger, she was the Camden who wasn't afraid to be her own person. Lucy and Mary had been so focused on _making out _with every guy that walked around the block. Matt and Simon had been the same with girls. Ruthie was different, or at least that was what her parents told her. She didn't care what guys thought of her, she wanted a boyfriend. One boyfriend; one she could settle down with and have a family with when she was older.

"_I'm not getting married until I'm thirty," _her exact words toyed in her mind. She knew she had said it more than once.

"_Ruthie's not like the others, she'll be different." _Her mother and father had both said those words. Matt, Mary, Lucy, and Simon had all married young. While they had all succeeded in the long run; Ruthie knew her parents had been particularly proud of Matt with graduating medical school and becoming a doctor. Her father's favorite had been Lucy, having taken in his footsteps to become a minister. And to everyone's surprise, Mary had even come around. She was living her dream, working with high school students and coaching basketball. And even though her parents never really showed it, they were proud of Simon too. He had dealt with more than his four siblings before him, having had taken a life. Ruthie could never imagine what he must have gone through.

But were they proud of her? What _did _they expect her to become? She could remember when she was young, sitting in her room alone at night. What kid didn't do that? She would dream about the future – what she would become. After having four older siblings grow up before her, she knew she was expected to live in their image. Nobody wanted her to follow in Mary's footsteps, and she had promised herself she never would. She would never trash a gym; Ruthie remembered thinking how foul-minded someone would have to be to do that.

Then there was Simon's ordeal. She remembered their bit spit about him having pre-marital sex. One thing was for sure, Ruthie didn't want to die a virgin. But she didn't want to marry someone just to have sex. That sounded more like something Lucy would do, and maybe Matt. But something told her that Matt hadn't gotten married just to have sex. The question was: would she ever have proof of that? The odds were, probably not. Why _had _he gotten married on his first real date with Sarah? What was going through his mind? Ruthie didn't know, but she liked Sarah – or at least she thought she did.

_B-Briiiing….B-briiing_, she flinched at the sound of the telephone. The double B-sound indicated the call was toll free; which generally meant the call was overseas. Who would be calling now? It was ten in the morning in California.

All of a sudden, Ruthie became alert of the emptiness in her hands. She spread her fingers out and brought them into her view. _Where is it? _Then she remembered. She had left it lying on the bed. _Shit. _Her heart dropped as she raced out of the bathroom and into her bedroom. At once, she let out a sigh of a relief when she saw that it was right where she left it. Quickly, she grabbed it and stuffed it in her pocket. The dumpster was just across the street; it wouldn't be hard for her to dispose it.

She had almost forgotten about the phone call when she made her way into the living room. Ruthie had figured she could just as easily slip by Simon and Cecilia. When she saw Simon on the phone in the kitchen, she was startled.

Simon's face was without pigment when she entered the kitchen. If she didn't know better, he was the walking dead. His eyes were boiled up with water, and it was obvious he was holding back a tear. _Oh no! It has to be Mom, _was Ruthie's first instinct. The final conclusion the siblings had come to last December, was to let their mother be. They had opted to give her until August. If she didn't wake up by then, they would discuss again. Ruthie knew Lucy would never approve of pulling the plug, but Lucy was the _last _worry on Ruthie's mind now.

"We'll be there by tomorrow, I promise," were Simon's final words to the long distant caller before he hung up. He hung the phone up on the line, turned around and jumped at the sight of Ruthie. Obviously, he hadn't been expecting to see her either. "Ruthie! Gosh, you scared me." He hadn't held back his tears; they were now drizzling down his cheeks. _We'll be there tomorrow…_

"Where are we going tomorrow?" Ruthie asked curiously, as she unintentionally placed her hand on her back pocket which held it.

Simon frowned; pigment had started to flush back into his skin. "Maybe you should go in the living room and sit down," he sighed, "Cecilia's in there with Madi…I have something I need to tell you both." That meant, Ruthie figured, whatever it was, from the tone of Simon's voice she could tell Cecilia had no clue that they would be leaving tomorrow. Whoever had been on the phone had sprung bad news. _Please don't let it be Mom, _Ruthie prayed to God.

Her brother motioned her to go into the living room. In light of the dent in her pants, Ruthie insisted Simon go in front of her. She couldn't risk him getting any ideas. Hesitantly, she followed him into the kitchen. She had to get to that dumpster, before they found out. It was obviously _not _a good time for Simon and Cecilia to find out. Then again, they already knew about what she had done last Christmas. It wasn't like they would be too overly surprised.

Cecilia was breast-feeding Madi when they walked in. She smiled weakly at the two of them, and acted completely natural. Ruthie could remember when Lucy had Savannah; Kevin had made such a big deal about Lucy breast-feeding her so openly. But Simon didn't. Simon would walk in, give his wife and daughter a peck on the foreheads, and act like nothing was out of the ordinary. After all, it was completely normal for them. Ruthie could remember when her mother would feed the twins right there in their living room…

_The little beasts had just come home, and Ruthie's life had become living hell. She hadn't adjusted well to no longer being the baby in the family. Her mother no longer had time for her; somehow, she hadn't seen that coming. She had expected the twins to be…more fun…like she had been for Simon. _

_She was sitting on the edge of the couch, and her mother was holding the two screaming monsters. They wouldn't shut up. All Ruthie wanted was a little attention from her mother, but no, her mother couldn't give her that. It was like she was an orphan. _

"_I'm a motherless child…a long way from home," Ruthie sang, pouting and mumbling, with her mother right behind her._

"_Ruthie, you are not a motherless child!" her mother cried. Ruthie, moping, turned around to come face to face with her mother. "Your mother is right here, listening to your beautiful song." She paused tiredly and sighed, "But I am a little busy now, and I could use your help. You're a big sister now, and that means you're more important than ever."_

"_Alright, alright," Ruthie growled. "What do you want me to do?"_

_Her mother sighed, "Would you like to hold Sam while I feed David?" _

_Ruthie, looking away from her mother, said, "I don't want to see you feed either one of them again until they're eating with knives and forks." _

_Shocked, her mother told her, "You know, I fed you the same way."_

_Ruthie bent her head back, rolled her eyes, and ran out of the room…_

She had been such a child back then. Well, only eight. _If…if I have this baby… _the thought circled in her head. It dawned on her. She would nurse her child. Thoughts she had encountered only eight months ago reminisced. As she watched Cecilia lovingly look at her daughter as she drank from her breast, Ruthie found herself _wanting _that. That, as in a helpless being to rely on her, to love her, to need to her; tears watered up in her eyes with those circling thoughts. From seeing the twins grow up, having been around Savannah when she was little, and now Madi, Ruthie knew that babies weren't all fun and games. And she really knew that children didn't grow up to love their parents. She of all people knew that. Parenting was a job in itself, but something about that…what wasn't there to love? She knew the answer to that too.

Simon didn't peck his wife and daughter on the forehead that day. Instead, he paced the wooden floor looking nervous. Ruthie noticed him peeling the skin off of his fingers like he did when he was nervous. "Ruthie, maybe you should sit down," he said.

Hesitantly, Ruthie took a seat next to Cecilia. "What's wrong, Sime? Who was on the phone?" Worry took over Cecilia's face as she frowned. Madi seemed to instantly notice her mother's mood. She quit sucking and started fussing. "Shhh," Cecilia whispered as she placed her daughter her shoulder and began patting her back. Her attention refocused to Simon as she continued patting Madi, "What is it, Simon?" Madi burped as she spoke; Cecilia rocked the little girl back and forth in her arms.

Simon frowned and let out a sigh. "D-Do you guys remember the phone call I answered the day Ruthie came home from the hospital?"

Ruthie raised her eyebrows. "How could I forget?" She shot a look toward Cecilia, who was nodding in agreement.

Simon sighed. "The Colonel told me not to tell anyone what he told me…he didn't want to worry anyone."

"What was it?" confusion swept over Ruthie's already mental head. Was something wrong with the Colonel or Grandma Ruth? Of course they wouldn't want to worry them. With all that had been going on in their lives, they would have tried to hide it to their best. But why would they ask _Simon _not to tell? Knowing their grandfather, he just wouldn't have told anyone at all if he was sick.

"It's Grandma Ruth," Simon mouthed, sobbing. "S-She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last July…and was undergoing several chemotherapies." Tears wallowed out of Simon's eyes. "Grandpa told me last July when he called, but he told me not to tell anyone…I let it slip to Matt, but otherwise nobody else knows. Gosh, Lucy's already crazy enough…with this…"

Unconsciously, tears started to flow out of Ruthie's eyes for the grandmother she was named after. Ruthie had barely known her, seeing as they didn't visit that often, and when they did her older brothers and sisters had convinced her they were 'hard-asses'. She could remember that nasty candy they would always bring.

Ruthie knew there was a reason that Simon was telling them this now, and she figured it was their grandfather on the phone. Had her cancer gotten worse? Was it too late? "Simon," Ruthie whispered. "I-It's gotten worse, hasn't it?"

Trembling, a crying Simon nodded his head. "They don't think she'll make it until Monday. If we're going to go, we've got to go now…to say our goodbyes…I've got some personal days that I can take off from work. I hate to take them off this early in the year, but I don't have a choice. I'll never forgive myself if we don't go."

"How much time do you have off?" Cecilia asked her husband. "It's not that difficult for me to get a substitute for a week or so, depending."

Simon sighed. "I've got five days right now. I figured, if we leave tomorrow morning – Sunday – we'll have enough time to say our goodbyes and be there for the…" he stopped, but Ruthie knew what he was going to say. _Funeral, _it was hard to believe it had been eight months since she had been to her own father's. In a way, it felt like forever ago.

"Well, I'll go pack." Ruthie mumbled, she assumed that her other siblings would be flying to New York as well. It wasn't the way she wanted to see them, especially Lucy. Without warning, she had a thought…_Mary_. Out of all of Ruthie's siblings, Mary had been the closest to Grandma Ruth. After all, she had lived at them for some time.

Her stomach burned, knowing that she hadn't seen Mary since the accident. Did Mary feel guilty? Is that why she hadn't contacted her? Or was it something else? Maybe, Mary blamed her for the accident. She felt awkward, but not as strange as she would feel when she saw her sister who had literally abandoned her.

She sprung off of the couch and ran back into the living room, completely forgetting something. Her black leather suitcase was tucked away gently in the closet. It had only been two weeks since she had put it back in its place. Sighing, she pushed it out and started packing her clothes into it. She didn't know how long they would be gone, but since Simon had five days, she packed five days worth of clothes.

A weary sensation over took her entire body. Her eyes felt heavy, and she felt as if she couldn't go on anymore. She found herself falling atop her bed. Her eyes closed, blackness overtook her vision, and without another thought she was in a dreamless, exhausting sleep.

When she awoke, fully clothed and all, it was still dark outside. Her blinds were wide open, and she could see the neighbor's house was still lit up. Groggily, she sat straight up and abruptly put her hand in her back pocket, then her other. _It _was gone. _Where could it be? _She sprung off of her bed and ran over to her closet looking for a sign. But it wasn't, it was gone. Anxiously, she ran out of her bedroom and into the living room to the place on the couch she had been sitting. It wasn't there either.

Hot sweat started dripping from her face. A nasty taste had taken over her mouth; the one she got when she hadn't brushed her teeth recently. _There's only one possibility…_

She made her way for the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she tried to scrub the nastiness away with her purple toothbrush, she tried to think of other possibilities. _It was a dream! That's it. _It had all been a nightmare; everything. She wasn't pregnant; her grandmother wasn't dying of Breast Cancer. It had all been a horrible, awful nightmare.

_Knock, knock, _she heard a knock from behind her. Ruthie flinched and jumped around. Cecilia was standing before her wearing a yellow nightgown. Her expression was straight as she gaped into Ruthie's brown eyes. "Are you looking for something?" she asked questionably.

Ruthie shook her head and shrugged. "No... Why?" She looked up at Cecilia with wide eyes and searched for an answer.

"Oh," Cecilia mouthed, making a circle with her lips. "I thought… maybe you were looking for this." She held a round, familiar curved object in her face. Ruthie's heart sunk. It hadn't been a dream; it had been a reality. Of course, it had fallen out of her pocket when she was sitting on the couch, and Cecilia had found it.

Ruthie closed her eyes and nodded.

"Well, it's not mine… so I figured it had to be yours, and considering everything you told Sarah and me." Cecilia frowned and wrapped her arm around Ruthie's shoulder. "I think we need to talk." Ruthie sighed, and nodded. Cecilia added, "But if you would rather wait until later, since it's two in the morning right now."

"Now works," Ruthie mouthed, it was better to get it over with. She figured she would be doing a lot of talking over the coming days. Ruthie and Cecilia made way into Ruthie's bedroom. Her made bed, with the shape of her body dented into it, was still in the same place it had been when she left it. Sitting down on the bed, Ruthie asked, "Does Simon know?"

Cecilia sighed, and closed her eyes. "Simon found it…he begged for me to tell him that it was mine. And Ruthie, I'll tell you right now, I wish I could have told him that it was. But I don't want to start lying to my husband now. Not ever. I don't want to go through what…" She stopped abruptly. "I don't want him to feel like he can't trust me."

Ruthie shook her head. "Wait a minute, what were you going to say? You don't want to go through what?"

"Never mind," Cecilia snapped, pushed her blonde hair back behind her ear, and changed the subject. "Simon and I talked about this…after we found it, and Ruthie, we don't want you to bring this up while we're in New York, okay? The Colonel's apparently arranged hotel rooms for everyone…Matt and Sarah, Kevin and Lucy, and us anyway…if this came out now, well, Simon and I don't want to imagine what could happen."

"Well," Ruthie replied coldly. "It's not like I was _going _to tell them. Hah. I wasn't even going to tell _you _guys." She rolled her eyes and stared at the blank white ceiling for the following moments.

Cecilia sighed. "I figured that…how long were you going to wait?" Ruthie shrugged. She didn't know the answer to that question; until she was showing; when they suspected?

Cecilia seemed to understand what she was thinking, and she nodded.

"Well. You should get some rest, Ruthie. We'll discuss this again, I'm sure…but I'm tired, and Simon wants to fly out as early as possible. We're scheduled to arrive in New York around eleven in the morning eastern time. Our flight leaves at eight in the morning our time."

She stroked Ruthie's hair gently and was gone, leaving Ruthie officially alone in the room. Her eyes squinted over toward her round digital clock, which read _2:35. _Their flight left at eight, which meant she'd have to be up by at least six. Something told her, getting up that early wasn't going to be easy. Neither would be getting to sleep, or so she thought.

* * *

Four hours later, the light from the sun's rising woke her up. Shockingly, she had slept for four hardcore hours. With the bright light brushing against her face, she wiped the matter from the corner of her eyes. As she sat up, a strange, disturbing smell trickled into her nose. Her stomach flipped upside down, and she knew what was coming next. With the little strength she had for that morning, she ran into the bathroom and purged into the toilet. Keeping her eyes closed, she flushed the toilet. Smelling it was bad enough; if she were to see it also, she was afraid it would happen again.

With an attempt to deteriorate the smell, she grabbed a can of air freshener to spray the bathroom. Still, it didn't take the grimy, vomit taste out of her mouth. She scrubbed her teeth with her tooth brush and added it and her hairbrush to her suitcase. Finally, she thought she was all pack.

After putting on a pair of sweats and a T-shirt, she rolled her suitcase out into the kitchen. As she walked through the hallway and into the kitchen, the smell that had caused her to purge earlier became stronger. _No, not again. _She recognized it, but it wasn't until she entered the kitchen that she realized what it was: eggs. Someone had made eggs for breakfast.

"Hey, there you are Ruthie! Do you want some…," Cecilia had started to say, but when she saw the discolored in Ruthie's face, she stopped. Simon and Cecilia were sitting at the kitchen table, which sat four people. Madi was sitting in her car seat already on the car. "Ruthie, are you okay?"

"Yeah…fine, it's just the smell," Ruthie murmured as her stomach did somersaults. "I think I'm going to go pack up in the car, okay?"

"Oh, right," Cecilia murmured. "I was sensitive to eggs too with…" She stopped with the heaviness of Simon's glare. At the mention of Ruthie's second pregnancy in the last twelve months, Simon's face had flushed red. Was he angry? Of course, he had to be. But was he angry with himself for not watching her more carefully, or angry with her? Ruthie had a feeling it might have been the first one.

-O-

Seven hours later, they arrived at the Buffalo Niagara International Airport. Technically, it was only three hours later as it was eleven o'clock Eastern. As they exited the plane, Ruthie was swept with fear. Who would be there greeting them? She hadn't asked; there were so many questions she had that she hadn't asked.

Simon and Cecilia had not spoken a word to her on the plane. It was like they wanted to pretend they didn't know anything. Could anyone actually pretend that they didn't know? There was no avoiding this, and Ruthie knew that.

Immediately following unloading the plane, they made their way to the luggage circle. As they walked, Ruthie continued to look around for some familiar face. Simon and Cecilia seemed to be doing the same. With the crowd of people, it was hard to find anyone.

After they retrieved their baggage she heard a voice, "Simon! Ruthie! Cecilia! Over here!" Her head searched toward the voice. There he was. Matt. To Ruthie's surprise, he had company, and it wasn't Sarah. It was Carlos.

"Matt!" Simon called and started pushing his way through the crowd to get tot their oldest brother. Ruthie and Cecilia, who was holding Madi, followed to their best ability. "Where's everyone else?" Simon asked.

"The Colonel already took Lucy over to see Grandma," Matt said, their eyes all dropped at the mention of Lucy's name. "Sarah and Kevin checked into the hotel with the kids. This trip really took a lot of Sarah, now that she hit the thirty week mark on Friday. She's two weeks further along than she was with the twins when we came out to Glen Oak, and that trip took a lot of her."

"Oh. Mary?" Simon had to ask. His voice was shaking a tad as he did.

"Mary hasn't left her grandmother's side in two days. She's really devastated. I guess they were really close," Carlos answered the question.

Matt, Simon, and Ruthie all nodded. "Well," Ruthie said, "she was probably the closest to Grandma Ruth out of all of us, seeing that she lived with the Colonel and her." Out of the blue, it hit her. Matt had said that the Colonel had taken _Lucy _to the hospital. Mary was already there. Suddenly, her body quivered with horrible nerve-wracking thoughts.

Both of her brothers were gazing at her, and must have taken notice to her quivering. "I think I know what you're thinking," Matt murmured. "I admit, I thought the same thing. That's why I volunteered to come pick you guys up."

"Hah, yo también…me too." Carlos chuckled. "But George is there…so I don't think _too _much bad could happen. He was a marine after all."

"I'm not sure if he was trained to break up fights between my sisters," Matt laughed chillingly. His face slowly flushed red as he was bombarded with awkward stares. "So..." Matt let out a heavy sigh. His eyes aimed directly at Ruthie, Simon, and Cecilia. "Are we going to the hotel or the hospital?"

"Hotel," Ruthie said and crossed her arms.

"Hospital," Simon said at the exact same time. He frowned toward Ruthie. "Ruthie, Grandma Ruth doesn't have much time left. We shouldn't toy with time; you need to go see her. After all you were named after her."

Ruthie rolled her eyes; it wasn't like the she didn't _know _that. "Um…hello...Mary and Lucy…" Ruthie pointed out. "Remember the _last _time…?"

Simon sighed, and seemed to realize where Ruthie was going. "So you have a point," Simon murmured and shot his eyes toward his wife, who shrugged in return. His eyes traveled over to his older brother in the search of help.

"Well…" Matt sighed, searching within his own head for an answer. "It's not like you're going to be able to completely avoid Lucy…" he looked away, as if he was searching into space for answers. He then mumbled, looking down at his feet, "…and Mary."

They entered a cumbersome silence; each of them seemed to be avoiding eye contact with one another. Ruthie found her eyes set on the ceiling. _God, _she thought_, if you're still listening to me, please guide us through this; let us come out of this with the sanity we still have. _Her eyes felt heavy exhaustion.

"Well," Cecilia broke the silence at last. Ruthie's eyes dropped off the ceiling and focused toward her sister-in-law. Matt, Simon, and Carlos's eyes were also on the blonde fair-skinned woman who held a sleeping three-month-old. Cecilia blushed with the sets of eyes on her, "I was thinking…we should take our luggage back to the hotel, and you guys could head over to hospital." Her hopeful eyes glared at Matt and Simon. Ruthie instantly figured where she was going with that.

And from what she could tell, Simon did too. Grimaced, he nodded. "I guess that would work…you never knew really knew my grandmother. You only met her that one time at Lucy's wedding…" His forehead crinkled as he uttered Lucy's name.

Cecilia shrugged, and Carlos motioned them to follow him outside into the parking lot. They followed Matt and Carlos down a line of cars until they stopped at an unfamiliar car – a Hummer. _Uh, Mary and Carlos surely can't afford a Hummer, _was Ruthie's first thought.

"It's the Colonel's," Matt explained quickly as he took the car seat that had been in Simon's hand to fasten it inside the car. _Of course, _Ruthie thought. She knew how high-strung her grandparents were.

-O-

After making it through the busy Buffalo lunch hour traffic, they parked in a parking ramp outside of a tall, pearl building. _This better not be the hotel, _Ruthie's eyes widened. In her entire life, she had never stayed in such an _expensive _looking building.

Ruthie's jaw dropped to the floor as she followed Matt and Carlos up to the building. Her grandfather had purchased them all rooms at the hotel? Surely, it had to be a five-star hotel. "Wait a minute," Simon said rushing in a daze, "This—this isn't it…is it? Surely there's been some mistake."

Matt sighed, nodding as they walked into the lobby of the hotel. "That was my reaction too…the Colonel got us all rooms here…"

"Even Mary and me," Carlos added. "Since we do live seven hours away, which was too far for us to drive back and forth, she wanted to stay with him, but he convinced her to stay here…we're all on the same floor, next to each other. Mary's been fretting…but even for her, it's impossible to resist this place.' His arms widened as if he were scooping the entire hotel up in a hug.

"What are we, on the thirteenth floor?" Ruthie asked sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "There has to be a hundred floors here!"

Matt and Carlos chuckled. "Actually," Matt said, "There are only twelve floors…and even if there were thirteen, there aren't thirteenth floors in hotels – it would skip to the fourteenth."

Ruthie raised her eyebrows. "Intriguing," she mumbled.

"Anyway, we're on the seventh floor," Matt said. He started walking toward the elevator; Simon, Cecilia, and Ruthie rolled their suitcases and followed.

Ruthie had never been one for claustrophobia; but being in that elevator made her encounter nausea. She felt sweat dripping from her face and armpits; her own sweaty body odor bothered her sensitive nose. The elevator's _ding _as it went up a floor banged in repetition inside her head, causing her head to spin in a circular motion.

As they rose higher into the air, Ruthie felt as if she had lost all of the organs inside of her body. It was like the higher the went, the emptier she felt. Finally, the number above the door read: _"7."_ Shockingly, for as many rooms as there had to be in the hotel, nobody else had gotten on with them as they went further up. Maybe the rooms were so expensive that nobody could afford them; maybe they had the whole hotel to themselves. _What was the Colonel thinking?_

Simon, Cecilia, and Ruthie followed Matt and Carlos down the hall. Alas, they stopped about mid-way down the floor at room that looked just like all of the others. Its door was painted burnt red and it had the carving of a bird embedded on it. The room number read: _704_. "I believe this is your room," Matt said as he fiddled in his pocket for a key. "Yes, 704…Sarah and I are right across the hall, 703…Mary and Carlos are in 701, and Kevin and Lucy are in 706." He handed Simon the room key; and he hesitantly opened the door.

Cecilia immediately set Madi's car seat on the bed and sat down on the bed next to her. "I'm beat," she sighed. "I could take a nap."

_And I'm not? _Ruthie thought as looked with tiresome eyes toward her sister-in-law.

"I need to go see my grandmother," Simon said quietly. "I'll never forgive myself if I don't…"

Cecilia frowned and slowly stood up. She wrapped her arms around her husband and pecked him on his lips. "Go, Simon. Go see your grandmother. I'm going to stay here with Madi and relax…I'm sure Sarah and Kevin can watch her while I sleep."

Simon gave his wife an inquisitive look. "There's…not something you're not telling me, is there?"

She raised her eyebrows and looked at Ruthie. "I don't know what you're talking about." Ruthie glared at Cecilia with inquisition. What did Simon mean? Did he think Cecilia was pregnant? Ruthie was sure she wasn't; she had basically told her last night that she wasn't. If she was, then she could have just told Simon that the test was hers. _Unless she wanted me to get caught…, _Ruthie pushed that thought out of her head.

"Okay then," Simon mumbled and kissed his wife's forehead. He brushed his hand gently over his sleeping daughter, making sure not to wake her up. His eyes then directed at Ruthie. "You're coming."

Ruthie shook her head reluctantly. Matt and Carlos were still standing in the door way. "I can't," she told Simon. "I just can't…I'm sorry."

"Ruthie, you were named after Grandma Ruth. I can't believe you'd just not go and see her on her death bed. If I recall, you regretted never getting the chance to say goodbye to Dad…and you're probably not going to get the chance to say goodbye to Mom. Ruthie, you need to take this chance while it's open," Simon through at her. What was he getting at? She realized he had a point. _It was he who felt guilty about not saying goodbye to Dad…it's his guilt, not mine. _

"But I hardly knew Grandma…" Ruthie's voice quivered. "A-And…" How could she tell him why she _really _didn't want to go and see her grandmother? Part of her feared that she would witness her death. Death was never something easy to cope with, and even though she could remember both of her mother's parents passing, nothing matched up to seeing her own parents lifeless.

Something had changed that day she had seen her father's lifeless, colorless, cold body laying there in that open casket. Each day, she wished that she hadn't seen it. She wished that she could just remember her father the way that he had been when he was alive. Even to that day, whenever she closed her eyes and would picture her father, she would see him lying there – in a black suit, surrounded by flowers, and colorless. Nothing could ever change that image she had of him.

Then there was her mother. While she knew it had been the right thing to do to go and see her, the image of her lifeless vegetated body was impregnated in her mind. It was inside her mind just as equally as her undeveloped child rested in her womb. Neither would ever fully go away. The only difference was: the child could leave her body; her mother's memory couldn't.

Ruthie looked coldly into space, her lips had frozen over. Even though the heat was on at full power inside the hotel room, she felt as if she was in the middle of a dark winter forest. At least, Matt said, "Look, Simon, if Ruthie doesn't want to go, we can't make her. Let her stay behind."

Simon shook his head and frowned, "Okay. Let's get going." He shot his sad eyes toward Ruthie. She stood there motionless, unsure of how to respond.

And they were gone. Once they were gone, Ruthie looked into Cecilia's confused eyes. "You could have gone, you know," Cecilia said.

"No, I couldn't," Ruthie whispered. "I-I couldn't see my grandmother like that. I want to remember her the way that I last saw her." Ruthie closed her eyes and remembered the last time she had seen her grandmother. It had been her father's funeral. Her grandma Ruth had always such a tall, strong posture about her. She was an elegant manner lady, and Ruthie knew she could never be like her. All of her life, Ruthie had asked herself why she had been named after _her_. Why couldn't she have been named after her grandma Jenny? From what her siblings had said, they had all loved her dearly.

As she grew older, she realized why they had chosen "Ruthie" opposed to "Jenny." _Ruthie _was in the Bible, _Jenny _was not. Everyone in their family had biblical names. But why had they chosen _Ruth_, out of all of the names in the Bible? When she was little, she had always wished that she had a name like Leah, or Abigail. Though, she knew she ought to be thankful she hadn't gotten stuck with something like Esther or Edna. Her parents had given her that much of an honor.

Cecilia nodded and sighed, "I see. I guess that makes sense…especially after all you've gone through over the last eight months. It has to be hard to see your love ones meeting death."

_You have no idea, _she thought as she held back a tear. "Yeah," was all Ruthie could say.

Cecilia grunted. "Well," she said slowly, "I'm going to take a nap…even though it's only noon, well it would be five o'clock and I'd just be getting off work at home…anyway, can you watch Madi? Or if you want to rest too, you could take her over to Sarah and Kevin…Matt said they were in the room across the hall I believe…"

Ruthie shrugged, "Yeah sure, no problem." She grabbed the still sleeping baby's carrier and walked across the hallway. She had a feeling that there was a chance that the baby wouldn't be sleeping for much longer. Gently, she tapped on the door that read _703. _

Not expecting it to open as she had knocked, she flinched almost dropping the carrier in her hand. Quickly, she grasped onto the handle tighter saving Madi from an eminent fall. "Ruthie, I see you're here," Kevin observed before her.

Ruthie nodded hesitantly.

"Well, I'd love to chat…but Lucy called and she wants me to come and pick her up at the hospital. I think seeing her grandma like this was a little too much for her…considering everything…"

"Oh," Ruthie said quietly. "Matt, Carlos, and Simon just left…"

"…Luce and I have my mother's car that she lent us. Since she lives just a few miles away, I insisted on staying with her. But when Lucy called the Colonel and told him that, he wouldn't hear of it. So, we're here. I know my mom's hoping to see some of the girls while we're in town. She hadn't seen Bekah before today."

Ruthie didn't know how to respond to that. She just nodded her head, feeling awkward. Part of her wished that Lucy and Kevin had stayed with Kevin's mother; then she wouldn't have to deal with Lucy later.

"Ruthie!" a voice croaked from behind Kevin. Her eyes lit up at the sight of her other sister-in-law; her stomach had expanded even further since Ruthie had seen her only two and a half weeks prior. "You couldn't have more perfect timing. I didn't think I'd be able to handle the seven kids all on my own!"

"Heh," Ruthie laughed weakly. "I brought another one." She lifted Madi's carrier up a little. The weight of the carrier pulled down her arm, weakening it. She could feel the tension in her arm grow, burn and ache more intensely. If she didn't drop the weight, she felt as if her arm would fall off along with Madi hitting the floor.

"Aunt Ru!" a familiar voice squealed. The little blonde girl, who was just a little over a week away from turning three, raced over to her. "I miss you!" Trailing right behind her was her moose-brown haired cousin. He smiled timidly at her; as if he didn't remember her. Savannah tugged at Ruthie's free arm, "Come in!" Ruthie followed the little girl into room, which she soon discovered wasn't a room at all. It was a Suite.

To the left, an arch led into a living-area. A big playpen was set up where the toddlers were all playing in. Also set up was a little swing, Bekah was asleep in it. Ruthie observed how much Bekah had grown over two and a half weeks. She was still a little smaller than Madi, though.

"Great, the more the merrier," Sarah laughed as she took Madi out of her hand. Kevin waved goodbye and disappeared into the hallway.

"Should you really be lifting that?" Ruthie questioned rushing. "It's heavy, and Matt said you were really worn out from the trip…"

Sarah laughed. "That does sound like my husband."

"So…you two, are okay now?" Ruthie asked without thinking.

Gently, Sarah placed the sleeping baby down next to Bekah's crib. "What are you talking about? Nothing was ever wrong. Did Matt say something was wrong?" A hint of panic was noticeable in her voice.

Curiously, Ruthie lifted a brow. "Oh no…I don't even know why I said that…I'm sorry."

Sarah widened her eyes and looked away. Ruthie couldn't help but notice how she bit her tongue with her teeth. _There is something, _there had to be. Otherwise, Sarah wouldn't be acting as if she was being interrogated for some crime.

"Where are Sam and David?" Ruthie suddenly asked, noticing the absence of her youngest brothers.

"They're with their grandfather," Sarah answered. "He volunteered to take them to some big park in Buffalo, and they jumped at the opportunity. I don't think they really understand why they're here."

Ruthie sighed, nodding. "They didn't know Grandma Ruth as well as I did, and I barely knew the woman…the Colonel and Grandma only came around for weddings, funerals, and an occasional random visit."

Sarah seemed to understand, as she nodded. "It's tough having your family live across the country. A lot of my family still lives near New York City."

"Yeah," Ruthie murmured. "My hardly saw my grandparents; Mom's parents lived in Arizona; Dad's in New York…" She looked around at all the little children in the room. Charlie and Savannah had sat down on the couch and were watching an episode of _Spongebob_. "I feel bad for these little ones," Ruthie said. "They'll never get to know my parents…their grandparents."

Oblivious to Ruthie's words, Savannah jumped out of her chair when she saw her looking at her. She wrapped her arm around Ruthie's waist and tugged on her wrist. "Auntie Ru, come watch TV with us!"

"I'm sorry, Ruthie," Sarah murmured. "That all of this has happened to you over the last year…and then with the accident…"

"…Don't be," Ruthie choked out, sitting down on the couch in between Savannah and Charlie. "I don't deserve your pity. I don't deserve anyone's."

Sarah shook her head, frowning. Out of the blue, she asked, "Hey, Ruthie, I think I'm going to go take a nap…can you watch the kids?" She placed her hand over her head, "I guess Matt's right – this trip did take a lot out of me. I have a major migraine…"

"It's not a problem," Ruthie said, bending her neck and looking at Sarah. "Go relax. We don't need another Lucy-scenario…if you know what I mean."

Sarah didn't respond to that, but she let out a huff. With heavy feet, she exited the living area and left Ruthie with the small children…

-O-

A half hour must have passed before she had to do any dirty-work. Savannah and Charlie quickly got bored of Spongebob and wanted to do something else. Ruthie searched around the room and found a color book with crayons. The kids eagerly took to coloring.

Just as she had gotten Savannah and Charlie set, fussing came from the other side of the room. Madi and Bekah had both woken up. As they fussed, Jake, Noah, Crissy, and Jenny began to whimper too. The back of her head throbbed, and the front burned as the cries started. _Six…six screaming babies…it's anyone's worst nightmare. _Desperately, she took Madi out of her car seat and tried to cradle her. But a fuming gross smell lingered up her nostrils. Someone needed a diaper change.

She scoped the room out for diapers, but she didn't see any. Maybe they were in the other room? Nervously, she shot a look over at Savannah and Charlie. "Um…guys, can you watch the little ones while I run into the other room?"

The two giggled, "Yes!" _What am I thinking; leaving three year olds in charge of little ones? _Ruthie's heart throbbed, but she didn't have a choice.

She bucketed out of the room and started digging through bags and suitcases for diapers. _Where are the diapers? _As she searched, she tried not to wake up her sleeping sister-in-law, but she must have been too loud.

"Ruthie?" Sarah mumbled groggily.

"I'm looking for diapers," Ruthie sighed. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Sarah's head glanced at the clock. When she saw the time, she sat up. "No…I'm glad you did, I only wanted a fifteen minute nap as is. The diapers are in the first drawer in the other room." _The drawers! _She had completely forgotten about those.

"Oh," Ruthie blushed. "Thanks."

Sarah's eyes widened. "Wait…if you're here, who's watching the kids?"

Ruthie grunted. "Heh…funny you should mention that…Savannah and Charlie." With that, Sarah sprung off of the bed and ran into the kids' room. Ruthie raced after her, still holding a stinky Madi in her arms.

"The wheels on the bus go round and round…round and round…the wheels on the bus go round and round…all through the town." Little voices could be heard as they entered the room. Ruthie had expected to hear tears, but she didn't. Savannah and Charlie were standing in front of the play pen singing to the little ones. Instead, they heard giggles. The four toddlers were all standing up, smiling, and giggling at their older cousins. Even Bekah had stopped crying.

Sarah let out a sigh of relief and smiled. She walked over toward the brown drawer and pulled out a bag of diapers. "Here are the diapers," she smiled weakly. "Something tells me that Madi's not the only one who needs a changing…" she pulled Bekah out of her swing, and her face turned slightly green, "Point proven."

After Madi and Bekah were changed, they checked the toddlers, but they were all surprisingly clean. Savannah and Charlie continued singing for their cousins, which Ruthie found entirely too cute. She and Sarah sat down on the couch; Sarah with Bekah, and Ruthie with Madi.

"You know," Sarah said, "you're really good with children..."

Ruthie blushed. "Well, when you grow up in a family of seven, you kind of have to be. Though, _I_ was the baby for all those years…" she smiled laughingly, "I was so jealous when the twins came along."

Sarah chuckled. "I'd be concerned if you hadn't been…but really Ruthie, I see the way you are with Madi, you're so gentle…"

Ruthie hugged Madi tighter, her face started to feel warm. "Well, I've been with her practically every day since she was born – she's become like a child to me…"

"I'm sure whenever you have children, you will be a great mother," Sarah smiled at her. Even though her face smiled; her eyes frowned. What was she getting at? _She can't know; there's no way she can know. It's not like I've thrown up…_

"That's what woman hopes for, isn't it?" Ruthie asked, her voice was quivering, "But…it's kind of hard when you're a teenager, you don't like the father, and everything else has been going wrong in your life…" Tears started to wallow up in her eyes as she took a deep breath, trying to hold back tears. _And when you don't know for sure who the father is, _Ruthie added silently.

Sarah's eyes filled with curiosity. "Ruthie…oh no…you're not…I was afraid…you used protection, didn't you?"

"It broke," Ruthie mouthed, _and no, Peter and I didn't use protection at all…_ "That day…Christmas Eve, that is what the phone call I got in the lobby of the Emergency Room was about. It was Martin telling me that the condom was broken."

"Why didn't you tell someone?" Sarah inquired, her face looked like it could burst into flames at any given minute. "I could have gotten you the morning after pill…"

Ruthie shook her head reluctantly. "I was afraid…shocked…I didn't know what to do." She held the three-month-old up to her chest, and put her head against the baby's. The smell of baby powder traveled up her nose. She looked over at Sarah, whose brown eyes shined with tears. _Is she upset for me, or is there something else? _"I don't know what to do now, either…" Ruthie quivered.

Sarah took in a deep breath. "Ruthie…what I'm about to tell you…you can't repeat to anyone, got it?" her voice was stern and serious. What could Sarah tell her at a time like this that was so serious?

Nervously, Ruthie lowered the cooing baby so she could see her sister-in-law's face clearly. "Okay," Ruthie said quietly. "I won't tell anyone – I promise."

"All you need to do is," Sarah muttered, "is consumption carrot seed soup…and voila…your problem is gone."

"_What_?" Ruthie gasped. Her head spun with a thousand possibilities. "W-What is that…I'm confused…what does that do?"

Sarah's hands started to quiver. "T-That's what I did," she whispered as she shifted Bekah to her right arm, leaving her left hand free on her stomach. "The first time…"

Ruthie's eyes drooped wearily to the floor. It took her a minute to digest what her sister-in-law was saying. Even then, she couldn't believe it. Her head started to spin with dizzy circles. She hadn't heard what she had just heard. It was all a dream. _The last eight months have been a bad nightmare… _She looked down at the beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed baby she held. All of it had been a nightmare, except for her precious soul.

_This can't be happening…_ her head told her, but her heart knew it was.

* * *

**Author's Note: **It's just a little bit longer than chapter seventeen! I hope you all read and enjoy it, because I enjoyed writing it. (Otherwise I wouldn't have pulled off 10,000 words in like three days...) I've been looking forward to this...and it's only going to get deeper from here. :)


	37. Sisterly Confessions

Outside Heaven

Chapter 37

Sisterly Confessions

Her body had iced over in a cold, damp sweat. She found herself staring at the blank television, despite knowing she wasn't watching anything at all, but she continued to stare at the television in a blank daze. The baby she cradled to her warm body had begun to slip out of her arms without her even noticing.

"Ruthie!" her sister-in-law, whom she had once entrusted, screamed. Ruthie flinched, shaking her head, as she gripped onto Madi tighter.

"I'm sorry, Madi," Ruthie cooed at the baby, as if she expected Madi to understand what she was saying. Continually, she avoided eye contact with the person sitting next to her.

"Ruthie, I'm sorry," Sarah murmured. "I-I shouldn't have said that…I shouldn't have told you…not like this, anyway. Please, Ruthie, please don't tell Matt…"

Ruthie jerked her head toward Sarah. For the first time since she had realized what Sarah had been telling her, she looked into Sarah's bloodshot eyes. Clear liquid was streaming down her face as she clung onto Bekah. Her face had flushed into a bright red color.

She shook her head. "I don't know how you could even expect me to tell my brother something so cold-hearted. Yeah, I'm going to walk up to him_, 'Hey bro, guess what? Your wife had an abortion, but not just any abortion, a self-induced abortion'_. Right, like I could ever do that. How cold-hearted do you think I am?"

Tears dripped in a stream out of Sarah's eyes. She stood up and walked over to the swing to set Bekah back in it. Turning back toward Ruthie she said, "Said aloud, it sounds bad, Ruthie…but…Ruthie, you've got to understand where I'm coming from."

Ruthie crossed her hand and shook her head. "I can't say I do. Abortion is wrong by itself. But, come on, carrot seed soup? You're kidding me! That's immoral."

"It's just like having a miscarriage," Sarah murmured.

"Uh, no, it's not," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "And how inhumane of you to even compare it to that; shit, have you forgotten that _I_ had a miscarriage? I know what it's like, and it's horrible." Sarah's watery eyes traveled around the room, and stopped on Savannah and Charlie. Ruthie looked over at the two little children. They had stopped singing and were staring toward Sarah and Ruthie with confusion.

"Aunt Sawah, what's a miscarriage?" Charlie asked; his little eyes were full of confusion.

"And what's an apportion?" Savannah asked, crossing her little skinny arms.

Sarah's eyes drooped as she glanced back at Ruthie. She shook her head, and Ruthie crossed her arms. Then it hit her. _It's no different than a miscarriage, _Sarah had said. Ruthie knew exactly where she was going with that. _She thinks Mary and I planned the accident, _Ruthie thought_, she thinks it was self-induced. _Ruthie's stomach flipped upside down with that thought. How could anyone think she would do such an inhumane action? _I could never hurt my child, _Ruthie told herself_, Never. _

"It's nothing," Ruthie answered, after noticing Sarah's loss for words. Even though she knew they shouldn't be talking about it in front of the children, she had a question that she had to have answered. She turned her sister-in-law, stared her straight in the eye, and whispered, "Was it Matt's?"

Sarah's eyes closed as she nodded silently. Daintily, she sat back down on the couch next to Ruthie and Madi.

"Why?" Ruthie mouthed, "When?"

"It was spring 2003," Sarah answered; her voice was full of rasp. "W-We had only been married a year…and we were only entering our second year of medical school…I-I had taken three pregnancy tests, and they were all positive. I knew I couldn't be pregnant then, I just couldn't. The timing was all wrong…and when I told Matt he acted so happy; when I saw the delight in his eyes, I couldn't just suggest we have an abortion, he'd never go for it. So…I took an alternative path. Since Matt was working all the time, it was easy. In the end, I just told him that I had gotten my period, and there were no further questions."

As Sarah explained, Ruthie's jaw dropped open. Suddenly, she remembered. Their father had gone to New York to confront Chandler's dying father. There, a nurse who knew Matt had told him that Matt and Sarah were expecting. _Duh, _Ruthie thought. Their dad had called their mother, telling her everything. She had called Rosina; Ruthie remembered it all clearly. It had been the same spring she had started her period.

Her mother had announced to Rosina and her father that she was _'a woman as of yesterday'_. She remembered how embarrassed she had. There, her private business; had been announced to her father and sister-in-law's mother, right then and there. _"Tell everyone, thanks," _she remembered growling and running up the stairs. _"If I can't kill Peter, I'd like to be _alone._" _

_Peter, _her thoughts drifted off. _What if it's his…? _The thought entered her head again; it was a thought she hadn't contemplated near as much as she should have. She had convinced herself the baby was Martin's, it had to be. _Nobody knows Peter and I were _together_, _Ruthie told herself_, nobody can know. _Surely, by then, everyone knew about her and Martin. It was Martin's baby; it just had to be. _But what if it's not? _She pushed that thought of her head. _I'll be asking myself that question for the rest of my child's life…_Abortion was not an option.

"Who knows?" Ruthie mouthed, daringly. Obviously, she hadn't told Matt. But Cecilia, Cecilia had to know.

"_I don't want to start lying to my husband…I don't want to go through what…" _Cecilia had uttered. _She had to be referring to Sarah!_

Sarah shook her head nervously. "My mom…Dad doesn't," Sarah murmured, "and I told Cecilia last Christmas…because it's all I've been able to think of…this entire pregnancy, all I've been able to think of…what if it had been a girl? What would we have named her?" Sarah looked away from Ruthie, still sobbing. "She would be four this month…" she looked over at Charlie and Savannah and whispered, "E-Every time I see those two together, I think of the baby I got rid of…I think of how he or she would be playing with them right now…"

Ruthie's eyes watered up as she came to realize what Sarah had meant. _"It's no different than having a miscarriage…" _In a way, she was right, Ruthie realized. She cradled Madi tightly, and suddenly imagined that she had never gotten in that car with Mary last May. What if, instead, she had refused? What if she had run up to the attic? She wouldn't have told Mary she was pregnant, and thus, that car would have never rear-ended them.

"Aunt Sawah, it's okay," Savannah indicated, as she wrapped her arms around Sarah's legs. "It gonna be okay." The little girl stretched her arms and placed them on Sarah's belly.

Sarah nodded solemnly and bent down, seeming to be grasping for Savannah's hands. But she abruptly stopped, and grunted as she grabbed her stomach.

"Are you okay?" Ruthie immediately reacted, almost dropping Madi.

Weakly, Sarah nodded. "Yeah, fine. Just a strong kick in the ribs…I guess I deserved it."

Out of the blue, a cry came from the playpen, "Momma!" Ruthie and Sarah both turned their heads; it was Jake.

"Don't worry!" Savannah cried as she ran back over to Charlie, who stood by the playpen still. "Let's sing, Charlie!"

"Okay!"

"_The wheels on the bus go round and round…_" the cousins began singing and doing the motions. Ruthie immediately figured that Charlie had taught Savannah that song. It was a song Ruthie could remember singing in pre-school and kindergarten. Savannah hadn't had the opportunity to attend any sort of playgroup.

Instantly after their cousins started to sing to them, the four toddlers started to giggle. Something about Savannah and Charlie's singing contented the young children. "I love those kids," Sarah sighed with her hand resting on her unborn child.

"Yeah," Ruthie murmured, as she hugged a wide-eyed Madi. Abruptly, she remembered something. Hesitantly she turned toward Sarah. "So," she started. "Is this all that has been bothering you…there's nothing else? When I asked about you and Matt earlier, I asked for a reason…Matt was pretty shaken up at Christmas."

Sarah closed her eyes and nodded her head slowly. "I knew he suspected something…and in all honesty, I wasn't surprised when you said something. I figured he said something to you and Simon…he's always been so close to you two, I can tell."

"So, there's nothing else?" Ruthie asked quickly. "It's just…you're feeling guilty about what you did?"

"Actually," Sarah said quietly. "There is something else."

"Oh…because he also said you insisted on pulling the plug on Mom, like Mom knew something that you didn't want anyone else to know…is this it?" Ruthie asked without even remotely thinking.

Sarah inhaled and exhaled deeply. "You see, Ruthie," she said slowly. "This is hard for me to tell you…but…the day of the accident, when you were brought in, you know how your mom, Matt, Simon, and Carlos were all at the hospital with Lucy?"

"Yeah," Ruthie responded bluntly. Her head pounded with the memory of that excruciating day. The day Lucy had lost Bekah's twin; the day their lives had changed forever. _If someone would have just told Lucy about the blood-type thing before, none of this would have ever happened. _

"Well, you see, Chief Michaels called the house almost immediately after the hospital happened, so Cecilia and I abruptly came to the hospital…Cecilia's parents came back to watch the kids…so, anyway, Matt and Simon had pushed past the emergency room doors to get back to see you. Carlos and Mary almost ran off immediately; Mary didn't need any treatment. So that left your mom and me alone in the waiting room…your mom was in tears…and I…my thoughts were in a cloud; I was blaming myself…"

"What are you getting at?" Ruthie questioned queerly. "Are you saying that…?"

"I blurted out about the baby; about how horrible it was for Lucy to lose a third child and I hoped that you didn't have to go through the same thing we had…she was of course confused, and I told her everything…about what I did…she didn't say a word…she just stared at me with big, confused eyes."

"So…she knew…before the doctors told her?"

"Before Matt told her," Sarah said. "After Matt came out and told us that you had lost the baby, she went into cardiac arrest. But Ruthie, I've told you time and time again, it's not your fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine…and I knew if she ever woke up, she'd be able to tell that."

Ruthie didn't know what to say. Her blood boiled like fire within her veins. All of this time, she had believed that her news had led her body into its eminent failure. But in all reality, her news had only been a very minuscule part of it.

"I'm sorry, Ruthie," Sarah said quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you…all of this, I feel like it's my entire fault…everything…just, please, Ruthie. Don't say a word to anyone. I _will _tell Matt everything when I feel the time is right." _The time is right? _Ruthie thought. She couldn't think of a time that could possibly right to break such heart-wrenching news on him.

Ruthie's eyes were directed toward her feet when she heard a familiar voice behind her. It was a voice she hadn't heard since May. "Don't say a word to anything about what?" Ruthie flinched as she held onto Madi and bent her neck behind her. _Mary. _Her blonde streaks were now gone out of her hair; it was pure brown. But her oval hazel eyes hadn't changed since Ruthie had last seen her eldest sister. Something about seeing her sister after all of what had happened felt eerie.

Behind Mary was another familiar, round face. She was shorter and stood about half-way up Mary's face. Her sad, blue eyes were aimed directly toward Ruthie. The fiendishness in them from last December had not diminished.

"Lucy, Mary," Ruthie gasped. "What are you guys doing here?" _More importantly, what are you guys doing here together? _

"Mommy!" both Savannah and Charlie cried as they ran over and wrapped their arms around their respective mothers. Mary and Lucy gave their respective children pecks on the forehead and made their way for their smaller children.

"Did Matt come back with you?" Sarah rushed before they could even answer. Her eyes were bloodshot; evidence of her tears was still present.

"Matt and Simon stayed at the hospital," Lucy answered inexplicably.

"Carlos insisted that I come back…and we were coming to retrieve our children. Matt gave us your room key before we left the hospital," Mary added.

"And Kevin and I were planning on heading over to his mom's. He went to our room to clean up…I guess he feels the need to impress his mother," Lucy rolled her eyes.

"Men," Mary and Lucy sighed. Ruthie gave her sisters a demented look. Only last summer, Lucy had been calling Mary every name she could think of. Now, here she was, standing next to Mary as if they were best friends. Had they reconciled?

Something felt all too familiar about the present situation. _Déjà vu, _Ruthie thought as she suddenly remembered the day of her father's funeral.

_Sarah and Ruthie, along with Mary and Lucy, headed upstairs to put the four little ones down for a nap. Lucy had taken one of Mary's girls to help put down. The men of the house were busy trying to entertain the guests. Their mother and Cecilia had gone to the kitchen to get the entire food ready…._

And she remembered the rest; Ruthie shuddered with that memory in hand. It was eerie, thinking that here they were, eight whole months later. So much had happened in eight months. Lucy had lost two children, Mary had fled the country again, and Sarah had just revealed her biggest secret. Could it really get worse?

"So," Lucy's eyes glared at Sarah. "What were you telling my sister?" With Bekah now in her arms, she edged closer to Ruthie and nudged her, as if she actually…_cared_…about her, like a sister should. All and all, Ruthie knew it was her sister's nosiness taking over her.

"Um, nothing," Ruthie responded quickly. Lucy couldn't know; there was no way. She would judge Sarah like no other.

"Aunt Sawah had an apportion, Mommy!" Savannah screeched. "She sad."

Ruthie's jaw dropped as she turned her head toward Sarah, whose eyes were opened wide with shock. After all, surely Sarah hadn't expected the three year olds to nark on her.

"Did my daughter just say what I think she did?" Lucy's eyes fired at Sarah. "You had an _abortion_?"

Mary's eyes gawked at Sarah's swollen belly. "Um, for having an abortion you're still showing quite a bit. I hope you know you're not supposed to have an abortion after the fourteenth week…"

Sarah shook her head coldly, not speaking a word.

Lucy's eyes jolted toward Mary. "And you know this _how_?" Mary shrugged at her sister's fiery bombarding eyes. "Did _you _have an abortion?"

"I plead the fifth," Mary smiled weakly.

"You _did_, didn't you?" Lucy screeched. "I knew it! When you went off to Buffalo with Grandma and the Colonel you were pregnant, weren't you? You knew Mom and Dad would never let you abort your child, so you had Grandma and the Colonel help you, didn't you?"

Mary wrinkled her forehead. "Where on _Earth _did you get that idea?" Mary asked.

Lucy shrugged. "That was the rumor going around school at the time."

"Um, no," Mary said. "It wasn't until I left Glen Oak for the final time; you know in 2002, I was pregnant with Captain Jack's baby. I just couldn't have that old guy's baby…"

Lucy's face suddenly lost all of its color. "Excuse me," she murmured. "I think I feel faint…" her right free hand quivered over her forehead and brushed away a drip of sweat. Bekah still lied in her left arm. Sarah stood up, and Lucy took Sarah's spot. "So," Lucy said carefully looking into Sarah's eyes, "what were you saying about having an abortion? It was spring '03, wasn't it? That was when you had that pregnancy scare…that was also when…"

"When what?" Mary and Ruthie both shot at their sister at the same time. Sarah frowned, and didn't say a word to Lucy's correct hypothesis. Instead, she waddled toward the playpen and picked up one of the boys – Jake. She pressed her lip against his forehead and frowned at the Camden sisters; though, Ruthie was the only Camden left.

"Nothing," Lucy said quickly. "Plain and simple, abortion is wrong…and I can't believe you guys! Taking an _innocent _life, when I've lost four babies! I can't believe you people!" she was shrieking in a high-pitched, whiny tone. There was a hint of queerness located in her voice. Something about her shrieking was unusual. It was her typical _Lucy _shriek.

"Wait a minute," Mary raised her finger as she picked one of her daughters—Jenny—up. "You…You had an abortion, didn't you? Didn't you?" Mary's eyes glared with fiend toward Lucy.

"_What!_" Lucy gasped. "I-I can't believe _you _would accuse me of doing such a selfish heartless cold action! I could never, ever, do something like that…and especially after I've lost _four _children, mind you! I can't believe you! And I was _not _pregnant; it was a negative pregnancy test!"

Ruthie looked at her oldest sister, the sister who had abandoned her in her time of need. At that moment in time, Ruthie had the feeling that they were thinking the same thing: Lucy was lying and being completely hypocritical.

"I remember spring '03," Ruthie said quietly. "It was the same summer that Simon killed that boy…Peter, Mom, Matt, Sam, David, and I was already at the restaurant, waiting for you all to come and join us…Lucy and Dad stayed behind at the house. Is that when you took the pregnancy test?" Her eyes directed toward Lucy.

"For…_God's_…sake. It was negative!" Lucy screeched. Her eyes showed like the Devil's as she glared at Mary and Ruthie. "I can't believe my own _sisters _would accuse me of something so inhumane!"

"Just stop!" Sarah cried, Jacob was still in her arms, but was beginning to weigh her down. Only eight months ago, Sarah had lugged both boys around. Now, one of them was too heavy for her to carry along side her pregnant belly. She turned to Mary. "Mary…my, I had no idea about…that…" she frowned, her face burnt red as she turned to Lucy, "Luce…what you did, was your business…nobody else's…" she turned back to Mary, "so, please, let her be. You of all people should know how hard it is."

Mary nodded solemnly for a minute and the four stood there in silence. Even the children picked up on the solemnity in the room, as they all remained quiet. Finally, Mary sighed, "You're right, Sarah. Absolutely right…it's hard. There isn't a day that goes by that I wonder what would have happened if I had kept the baby…_Captain Jack's_…he or she would be exactly a year older than Charlie."

Lucy's eyes had bottled up with tears, and all at once they began rolling down her cheeks. "Okay!" she cried. "You're right. I did it! Are you guys happy?" she threw hot gazes at Sarah, Mary, and Ruthie. "But for God's sake, don't tell Kevin! He can't know! You guys have no idea…" she turned to a dumbfounded Savannah, "Come on, sweetie. Let's go." She stormed out of the room with her two daughters.

After Lucy's outburst and disappearance, Sarah, Mary, and Ruthie stood there in silence. Their silence was broken by Charlie tugging on Mary's wrist. "Mommy, I want to go play with Savannah."

"Sorry, sweetie, but you can't," Mary explained to her son as she placed Jenny back in the play pen and bent over and picked Charlie up. "But Mommy loves you, you know that right?" She roughed his hair and kissed him on the forehead. It was the first time Ruthie had seen Mary ever show true compassion to her children. At that moment, Mary's eyes glowed with love for her son.

"I love you too, Mommy," Charlie giggled as he wrapped his arms around Mary. Mary smiled wholeheartedly at the sound of those words, and she set him back down.

Ruthie's heart lifted, hoping that some day her child would say those exact words to her. Every mother had to live to hear those words from their child. _I didn't tell my mother those words nearly enough, _Ruthie thought, painstakingly.

Mary turned to Sarah and sighed. "I'm sorry for all of the words I said to you last spring. I had no right to judge you. And I really am sorry. I hope you can forgive me…"

"Mary, don't sweat it," Sarah smiled wholeheartedly. "Your apology means a lot to me, and really I'm just as much at fault as you. I'm sorry too."

"I guess I didn't realize how much we had in common," Mary stated, sighing. Then she turned to Ruthie. "And Ruthie, my God, I think I owe you the biggest apology in the world. You have no idea how badly I feel for what I did to you…you could have died, and all I thought about was my own self. Life's too short to think of your self." She walked over to Ruthie and wrapped her arms around her. "I really screwed up this time, didn't I?"

Ruthie was speechless as her watery eyes looked into her sister's. Mary's wet hazel eyes stared gazed back into hers. They were sincere, actually sincere. "Mary," Ruthie said quietly. "Thank you...and I'm sorry too…the accident was my fault. I shouldn't have told you about…you know…then."

"Ruthie, it's not your fault, I was behind the wheel," Mary told her. "I had full responsibility…"

"Mary," Ruthie said quietly, interrupting her sister's guilt trip. "There's something I should tell you…now…rather than when we're behind the wheel again."

"Oh," Mary whispered. "What's that?"

"I'…m pregnant again," Ruthie uttered. There it was, so much for listening to Simon and Cecilia's wishes. But it was better this way, she figured. If she didn't come forward immediately, then she would dig herself in the same hole she had last time.

Mary stared at her blankly. "Is…this why you were talking about abortion?" she asked. "You're considering having an abortion?"

Ruthie shook her head ferociously. "No. I'm not…I couldn't…S-Sarah mentioned it."

"Oh," Mary nodded. "Well, that would have been my first suggestion…just so you know…who's the father?"

"Martin," Sarah mumbled and she set Jake back in the playpen with his brother and cousins, before Ruthie could even answer.

"Oh, Morgan," Mary murmured. Ruthie laughed at her sister's intentional incorrect usage of the snake's name. "Have you considered the other alternative…adoption?" Ruthie looked down at Madi, without saying a word. Mary's eyes directed toward the baby still in Ruthie's arm. Sidetracked, she asked, "Is that…Simon and Cecilia's baby? I haven't met her yet."

"This is Madi," Ruthie responded and turned the blonde haired baby so Mary could see her niece. "She was born in October…her full name's Madelyn Moira Camden."

"Hey, baby," Mary cooed as she smiled at Madi. The little girl's eyes lit up as she looked into her eldest aunt's face. "Can I hold her?" Mary's eyes directed at her youngest sister.

"Um, sure," Ruthie reluctantly handed the small baby over. For the first time in hours, her arms were released free of baby weight. The tension in her arms relieved itself.

"Ruthie…" Sarah trailed. "If you're going to keep this baby, you know you have to tell Martin. He has the right to know…"

The thought itself hadn't even crossed her mind. _Tell Martin? No. _She couldn't. Could she? What good could that do, anyway? Ruthie remembered when Sandy had first found out she was pregnant; he had denied everything, he hadn't wanted anything to do with her. And besides, Martin was probably under the impression she had taken the morning after pill. One of his texts had read: _Did you get it? _Of course, she hadn't responded. So, he couldn't know. He had probably assumed she had.

"She doesn't have to tell him," Mary insisted as she bounced Madi in her arms. Her eyes then directed toward Ruthie. "It's her body, her baby. It's up to her if she wants to tell the father or not."

"I beg to differ," Sarah crossed her arms. She smiled toward Mary, "I guess we don't have in much as common as we thought we did." Mary shrugged her shoulders, and Sarah continued, "Martin has every right to know, and besides if Ruthie does decide to keep the baby she can get child support out of him…and of course, he'll want visitation rights. He already has a son, and I've seen him with Aaron…he's so good with him. I don't see why Ruthie _wouldn't _want his support."

"She doesn't need any support out of Martin!" Mary insisted. "She has her family. Ruthie can come live with Carlos and me in New York City. Problem solved." Ruthie's eyes dropped open at those words. Live with Mary, in New York City? Ruthie remembered that one Thanksgiving she had spent with Mary, Carlos, Charlie, and Carlos's family in Puerto Rico. It had been living hell. But if they lived in New York City, surely it wouldn't be as bad. Carlos's family wouldn't be around to coo all over the babies.

"Mary," Sarah said calmly. "I highly doubt that _running away _from the problem is going to solve anything…and besides, we all remember the last time Ruthie was left under your supervision when she was pregnant…"

Mary shrugged. "Sure it will. It worked for me." Then she shot an angry glare toward Sarah, "And don't you _dare _bring that up again. I've already said how bad I feel about that."

"Did it really solve everything?" Sarah inquired. "You can't tell me you don't have regrets. Because I know you do."

"I don't regret anything!" Mary insisted. "If I could do it all over again, I'd do it the same exact way I did it. I'm happy with my life, and my children. The only thing I might do different…well, we won't go there. Let's just say, I would have never dated that Captain Jack. I only dated him to make Dad mad; anyway…I would've found someone else…um, younger…to make him mad."

Sarah shook her head. "Mary—." A loud ring came from the other room, the phone.

"Phone," Mary murmured.

"_I've _got it," Sarah insisted as she waddled out of the room, leaving Ruthie alone with her sister and the remaining children.

"So," Mary whispered after Sarah was in the other room. "What do you think? About coming to New York City and living with Carlos, the kids, and me?"

Ruthie shrugged; truthfully, she didn't know the answer to that. "I think you'd have to talk to Carlos about that," she said quietly and stuffed her hands in her pockets.

"I'm sure he'd be fine with it," Mary insisted. "He likes you."

"Yeah," Ruthie murmured. "I-I'd have to think about it…and discuss it with Simon and Cecilia, since all of my stuff is back there. And I've kind of been their live-in baby-sitter."

Mary smiled and laughed, she turned her head toward Jenny and Crissy. "I wish I would have had one of those when the twins were Madi's age…oh, how much easier it could have been. Of course, Mom's visits were helpful. If only she could have moved in." Mary frowned as she mentioned her mother.

"Mary," Ruthie said quietly. "I can't help but ask…what do you think should be done about the whole life support situation? Carlos said you didn't want to weigh in your opinion because everyone would blame you."

She watched her oldest sister eye's flicker dumbfounded at Ruthie's question. "That's because they would," Mary sighed. "You see…"

Before Mary could finish her sentence, Sarah burst in. Her face was frozen with sadness. "Ruthie," she said quickly. "That was Simon…they don't think your grandma Ruth is going to make it more than an hour, and she's asking for you…Matt's on the way back here now to pick you and anyone else up who wants to go."

Ruthie's head spun as if it were disconnected from her neck. Her grandmother was going to die? Both of her grandmothers were going to be gone, leaving her with only a grandfather; the Colonel.

For the first time since Simon had announced their grandmother's illness, Ruthie mourned. With all that had been on her mind, she hadn't had the chance to feel sad for that. Tears fell in buckets from her eyes, and Mary set Madi on the couch to wrap her arms around Ruthie. For the first time in years, she felt like she had her eldest sister back. The question was, would she be able to look past everything she had just found out; everything that had gone against her own personal moral beliefs? No matter how hard she tried to overcome what she had just been told, she knew her relationship with her sisters would never be the same.

* * *

**Credits: **_Life and Death (1) _and _Life and Death (2) _from Season 7 are referred to on several occasions during this chapter.

**Author's Note: **I just wanted to put this in there, this whole 'abortion' idea has been stuck in my head since I saw an episode of _The Secret Life of the American Teenager _where Grace's step-father tells her the odds of a false-positive is slim to none, and it's likely that Adrian got an abortion. That got me thinking about Sarah; she had _three _positives. What are the odds? I mean, yes, it happens. But…come on. The more I watched the episode over, the more I managed to convince myself.

**Debate: **Should Ruthie take Mary's advice and run away from her problems, or take Sarah's and confront them as soon as possible? - Here's your chance to weigh in your input!


	38. Only Time

**DISCLAIMER: **This chapter, and previous ones, does not reflect my own personal views on abortion. Views discussed in this writing are for the sole purpose of this fictional story, and whether or not the characters' beliefs directed in this way, I do not know, for I do not own any _7__th__ Heaven _characters. Unfortunately, they are property of Brenda Hampton and Spelling Television. If they were mine, there would be a _7th Heaven _reunion by now, as I would not be wasting the actors' time on _Secret Life_. (:

* * *

Outside Heaven

Chapter 38

Only Time

The world around her was ticking like a stop watch, and Ruthie couldn't slow it down. She was racing the clock as she stepped into elevator with her sisters and brother. The elevator dinged with each floor it went past. With each floor they went up, her heart raced faster. What if they were too late? Would she ever be able to forgive herself?

Lucy was trembling next to her. Tears had already begun to drip out of her eyes. "I shouldn't have come back," she had whimpered. "I should have stayed." Of course, Matt did not know the real reason she was saying that. Mary and Ruthie did. If she hadn't come back, her secret would not have been revealed.

Only time would tell how long it would take for the others to find out. Giving those little ears that had overheard the conversation; Ruthie figured it wouldn't be long. It wouldn't be long before the whole world knew how messed up their family really was.

The elevator door slid open. "Go!" Lucy cried as she pushed passed Mary and Ruthie and started running down the hospital hallway. Ruthie looked up at Matt and Mary, both were frowning. Chills swept through Ruthie's body as she stretched her legs down the hallway, treading after Lucy.

Ruthie squinted, at the end of the hall way she saw two familiar faces; Hank and Carlos. "You made it," Hank gasped reached his arm out for Ruthie, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. Ruthie flinched, she didn't want his comfort, and after all, she had never been that close to Hank. Behind Lucy and Ruthie, Matt and Mary had caught up with them.

"Simon and Julie are in with her now…there's not much time," Carlos whispered, as he wrapped his arm around his wife, and kissed her forehead.

"We just got here," Hank told them. "Apparently just in time."

"Where's the Colonel?" Ruthie suddenly asked, as she looked around. Then she remembered that he had taken the twins to the park.

"He and George took Sam, David, Erica, and Nolan down to the cafeteria…it's almost like they're in denial," Hank answered hesitantly, his lips frowned. "But Ruthie, believe me, she's been asking for you. It's important that you don't waste any time. Go say goodbye to your grandma."

Ruthie nodded hesitantly, as tears began to roll down her cheeks. She glanced up at her oldest brother and sister; both motioned her to go in the room. Nervously, she peaked in the room. There she saw her. Her grandmother; a woman Ruthie would remember for always been sophisticated and strong. Now, she was as white as a ghost. She didn't want to see her like this, but she knew she had to fulfill her grandmother's last wishes.

To her right, was Simon; his face was stained from tears, and his eyes were glossed over. On the other side of her bed, her left, was Aunt Julie. Her face was also stained with tears. When her aunt saw Ruthie enter the door, she left her mother's bed post and walked over to Ruthie to wrap her arms around her. "Good, you're here," her aunt sniffled. "She's been asking for you." Ruthie nodded, as her aunt guided her over to her dying grandmother.

"Ruthie?" her grandmother's weak voice croaked. "Is that you, my granddaughter?"

Ruthie nodded with sobs as she broke away from her aunt's grip. "It's me, Ruthie, your granddaughter."

"Ruthie dear, don't cry," her grandmother whispered with a soulful voice. Ruthie could always remember her grandmother's serious, elegant voice. But now it was different now; now it was ghastly, and hoarse. Her breathing had become separated, almost as if she was choking for air.

"Grandma," Ruthie cried, "I love you…and I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to know you better." Her eyes wetted and she glanced toward her brother, whose tears had begun to roll faster.

"Ruthie, you have nothing to sorry about," her grandmother whispered. "It was I who should have been a better grandmother…and a great-grandmother…Ruthie, you're going to have beautiful children, and you have the opportunity to be a great mother. Just don't take the wrong path, don't let your children get away from you, like I did. Cherish every moment with them…children are the most beautiful creatures, can you hear them? They're singing for us." Her eyes were becoming glossy. Ruthie's face burned as she turned around and saw Matt, Mary, and Lucy standing in the doorway; their eyes filled with tears.

"No," Ruthie whispered. "I don't." And she realized it; her grandmother knew she was pregnant. Something about it all seemed surrealistic, but she knew that her grandmother was not talking hypothetically. She knew.

"There he is…" her grandmother whispered. "Jesus. He's here now…and look at those pearl gates…they're opening. I can see my boy, Eric! He's motioning for me to come join him …I've got to go now…"

"Wait—," Ruthie started, but she was too late. The once steady beeping of her grandmother's heart monitor had gone straight. Ruthie watched her grandmother's face go still; the little life that had been left in her had been sucked away. She was gone. "NO!" Ruthie cried as she fell into her aunt's arms. Her face dampened as she cushioned her face against her aunt's face, and their tears ran together.

As long as she lived, Ruthie knew she could never forget the day her father's mother died. Pain would stake within her heart each night, as she remembered watching her grandmother's soul leave her body. And her words stuck with Ruthie, "_You're going to have beautiful children, and you have the option to be a great mother…"_

By not being there for his wife's final moments, the Colonel had given himself reason to remain in denial of his wife's passing. As they prepared for the funeral, he remained his usual self. He continued on making jokes, corny ones at that. In a way, he remained close to his youngest grandchildren; it was like he was living through them. Ruthie had come to the conclusion that both her grandmother and grandfather had regrets with their own children; like they regretted not being there for them.

As for her immediate family, Matt and Sarah had become more distant than ever before. Ruthie could see it each time she saw them. It seemed now that Matt was pushing Sarah away. Ruthie wondered if she had told him, but somehow she doubted it.

They weren't the only ones distancing each other. Ruthie couldn't help but notice Mary pushing Carlos away, and Lucy pushing Kevin away. Simon and Cecilia seemed to be the only couple clinging to each other. After they had returned from the hospital, Simon had fallen into Cecilia's arms, as if he never wanted to let go.

Two days later, they held the funeral. The church was lovely, and full of flowers. It reminded Ruthie of her own father's funeral. Though, there weren't near as many people. Ruthie knew that both of her grandparents had been in the military, her grandmother had been a nurse. Several of her grandparents' military friends had come. But Ruthie knew none of them. There was one face she did recognize, though.

She was sitting in the front pew next to Mary when she spotted him. Ruthie was shocked to see him there; she remembered the last time he had come around, it had been around three years prior. Their father had asked him to come counsel some teenager who was about to become a teenaged father, just like him.

There he stood, tall next to a blonde woman – another face Ruthie recognized, though she was sure from where. It took her a few moments to realize who she was. Then it hit her: Mary's friend. It was Mary's friend, Corey, who had been on the basketball team with her. Wilson and Corey – they hadn't even been at her father's funeral, why were they there?

In each of their arms was a toddler, a boy and a girl that appeared about two. Both had dark hair and pale skin, and brown eyes. They looked like they could be foreign.

Quickly, Ruthie nudged her oldest sister. "Look who's here," she whispered in her sister's ear. Mary cracked her head behind her and nodded, not looking the least bit shocked.

"Yeah, he said he was coming," Mary whispered back. "He and Corey moved to New York about a year ago, we've been in touch…he was supposed to come to Dad's funeral, but they were already over in Russia picking up their little ones, Gabriel and Olivia."

"Oh." Ruthie raised her eyebrows, rounding her lips. Mary waved back at Wilson, motioning for him to come up next to them.

"There you are," he whispered, smiling friendly. Corey had followed, and two children that Ruthie hadn't spotted before were behind. They couldn't be too far in age, but Ruthie assumed it was Billy, and then she remembered that Corey had a daughter, but she couldn't remember her name right off the back. "Mary, I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I know how close you two were,"

"Thank you," Mary forced a smile, as she looked over at Billy. "That's Billy?" She raised a brow looking back and forth between Billy and Wilson. "You're so big now, the last I saw you, you weren't much bitter than my little boy."

"Are you Mary?" Billy asked. "My dad says that I used to think you were my mom when I was little…" Mary laughed, and blushed.

"Where are your kids?" Wilson asked. "I'd love to get the chance to meet them."

"Carlos has them, now that you mention it, they should be coming short—," before she could finish her sentence, Carlos came out of nowhere. He held Jenny in his arms, and Crissy was walking with her hand in Charlie's hand. The little girls were all dressed in black; Charlie was wearing a suit. "There they are." Mary smiled down as she reached down to pick up her daughter.

"Mommy!" the three and a half year old chirped as he climbed up next to his mother on the pew. He wrapped his arms around Mary, with love.

"Who's this?" Carlos inquired as he hesitantly glared at Wilson.

"Oh, this is Wilson…my…" Mary's face flushed a bit, as seemed to be thinking of a word to describe Wilson...

Wilson stuck out his hand to shake Carlos's hand. "I'm her friend from high school," he smiled as she shook Carlos's hand. He then turned to Corey, "And this is my wife, Corey, she played basketball with Mary in high school." And he turned toward his children, "And our children, Bernadette, who's twelve, Billy who's eleven, and the newest editions to our family, our two year old twins, Olivia and Gabriel."

"Oh, so how do you do Mary's grandmother if you went to high school with her?" Carlos questioned.

"Oh, well I lived in Buffalo for a few years following high school," Wilson explained. "We were pretty close."

Pretty close alright, Ruthie thought, as she remembered that they had almost gotten married.

"Of course," Carlos nodded. Somehow, his eyes hinted jealousy. Ruthie didn't know Carlos was the jealous type, but apparently, he had it in him.

Moments later, Kevin and Lucy entered the church with their daughters. Based on her past experience, Lucy had opted not to give the sermon at her grandmother's funeral. Given all that had happened in the past months, she had come to the conclusion that she couldn't handle it. Ruthie, she didn't know about the others, was shocked at that.

Lucy seemed to be avoiding eye contact with her husband, like she was afraid of him almost. Who could be afraid of Kevin? Ruthie wondered. She couldn't imagine Kevin ever hurting Lucy, if anyone hurt anyone, it would be Lucy hurting Kevin.

Hesitantly, Lucy took a seat next to Carlos. Savannah pushed her way between Carlos and Charlie, so she could sit next to her cousin. Both children were just too young to understand death. At their age, Ruthie hadn't even been to a funeral. The small children had experienced death far too much over the last year.

Kevin slid in next to Lucy, Lucy still kept looking away. Then she noticed the man sitting behind her. "Mary?" Lucy whispered down the row. "What are Wilson and Corey doing here?"

"They live in Buffalo now," Mary answered bluntly. She still had failed to answer the question. Lucy's face squished tight with confusion just as Sarah and the boys began walking down the aisle. Right behind her was Cecilia and Madi. Matt, Simon, George, Hank, along with two of Grandma Ruth's closest friends had all been selected as pallbearers.

Sarah and Cecilia took seats at the end of the row. "Where are the Colonel, Aunt Julie, and the kids?" Lucy whispered. "Shouldn't they be here by now?"

Both glanced at each other and shrugged. "I didn't see them back there," Cecilia admitted. "I'm sure they're fine…they were with the Colonel."

"Maybe I should go check on them," Lucy insisted as she started to stand up, but Kevin grabbed her arm.

"Luce, chill," he whispered. "Like Cecilia said, I'm sure they're fine, as long as they're with their grandfather. It's good for your grandfather to be around the kids, especially if it helps him with his grieving."

The Colonel, grieve? The words didn't seem to fit in the same sentence, Ruthie took note of. Over the past days, she hadn't seen her grandfather grieve. She tried to imagine her grandfather lying in bed alone at night, in tears, like any normal person who had just lost someone they had spent fifty years with. But she just couldn't.

A split second later, Aunt Julie started walking down the aisle. She dressed head to two in black, and her eyes were red from crying. Her eyes were wandering, and as she took a seat behind them, next to Wilson and his family, she whispered, "Where are my father and children…and Sam and David?"

"Wait, you weren't with them?" Lucy shot her eyebrows up, her face flushed red with worry. "Well, then, I better go find them…" She started to stand up again but Kevin grabbed her again.

"Luce, chill," he whispered.

"Chill, you're telling me to chill. Right, I don't have to chill! This is _my _grandmother's funeral!" Lucy shrieked, embarrassing them all. Ruthie could feel the eyes of people in the back of the church falling on them. _Leave it to Lucy, _she thought_, to embarrass us all. _

As Lucy panicked, the organ player had begun playing _Amazing Grace_, and the chorus – mostly made up of Grandma Ruth's fellow military nurses – had started singing the lyrics.

_Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,  
that saved a wretch like me.  
I once was lost but now am found,  
was blind, but now I see._

_T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.  
And Grace, my fears relieved.  
How precious did that Grace appear  
the hour I first believed …?_

As the music played, Ruthie's body lingered with sadness. From the time she was little, there was something about that song that had always made her sad. Ruthie could remember it being played at her other grandmother's funeral. Maybe it was then that she had started associating _Amazing Grace _with mourn and death.

Saving Lucy's panic, the Colonel along with his four youngest children entered the church. Heads turned with his presence. There stood a man of dignity and structure; a man who was now a widow.

He stood straight and tall, just like he always had. No tear came from his eyes as he placed his hand on his youngest grandchild's shoulder. The four children shyly made their way down the aisle with their grandfather, several sets of eyes continued to beat on them all.

The Colonel acknowledged his grieving family with a nod, and the children squeezed in the pew that they all sat in. On the other hand, the Colonel took a seat in the empty pew on the right, sitting all by himself.

Ruthie felt disconnected for the remainder of the funeral. She found herself staring a head, ahead at the Alter. Her head spun with ambivalence and loneliness; she became so disconnected from her surroundings that she didn't even realize when the song changed. When she had become conscious again, the new lyrics swirled in her brain.

_Who can say where the road goes,  
Where the day flows, only time?  
And who can say if your love grows,  
as your hearth chose, only time?_

_Who can say why your heart sights,  
as your life flies, only time?  
And who can say why your heart cries  
when your love lies, only time?_

_Who can say when the roads meet,  
that love might be in your heart?  
And who can say when the day sleeps,  
and the night keeps all your heart?  
Night keeps all your heart..._

_Who can say if your love groves,  
as your heart chose, only time?  
And who can say where the road goes  
where the day flows, only time?_

_Who knows? Only time  
who knows? Only time_

She felt her eyes watering up vigorously, as her thoughts went back to Martin, and then Peter. They were the only two guys she had over really loved, or at least thought she had. Or had she ever experienced true love? That, she didn't know the answer to, _what is true love? _What was true love? _Will I ever know? _Ruthie's head spun as the song came to an end. Only time would tell.

Mary seemed to take note to the tears in her eyes, and gently wrapped her arm around Ruthie. "It'll be okay, Ruthie," Mary whispered, and Ruthie knew right away that Mary wasn't referring to their grandmother's passing. She was referring to _it_.

The remainder of the funeral was filled with sorrow and mourning, as Ruthie found herself bursting into tears at random times. The thing was she knew she wasn't crying for her grandmother's passing, even though that was sad. She was crying for herself, and only herself. Every time she screwed up, somebody died. It was like she was a magnet for causing death with her troubles.

After the funeral, the reception was held in the basement. Ruthie found herself pulling a chair to herself, away from everyone else. She closed her eyes and wondered where she would be a year, or two, or five. Gently, she found herself placing her palm on her stomach. She wondered; would it really happen this time? Would she…give birth? Or would history repeat itself? Only time would tell.

"Ruthie?" her sister's voice startled her, and she spun around. Lucy stood before her holding Bekah. "Why are you over here by yourself?"

"Huh? Uh, I just wanted a place to think, that's all," Ruthie murmured.

"Are you okay?" Lucy inquired. "You look pale, and I have to say, you look like you've lost a lot of weight. Are Simon and Cecilia feeding you alright? I could go get you a sandwich or something…?"

"Huh?" Ruthie shook her hair back and forth. Lightly, she stroked her forefinger down her arm, feeling the bone stick out at the end of her wrist. She had lost a lot of weight since last spring, something she hadn't noticed. "I'm fine," Ruthie insisted. "And…I don't think I could eat now if my life depended on it."

"I see. Neither could I." Lucy whispered as she took a seat down next to her. "Hey, Ruthie—," she began. Ruthie raised her eyebrows, acknowledging Lucy, and waited. As she gently rubbed her daughter's back, Lucy let out a sigh as she gazed into Ruthie's eyes. "I-I know I haven't exactly been the most supportive sister over the last months…and I've been taking a lot of my anger out on the rest of the family."

"Mhm," Ruthie murmured. A chill swept down her arm, and she felt goose bumps crawl up it. She had a feeling that she knew where Lucy was going.

"And…well, I'm sorry Ruthie," Lucy sighed. "I miss talking to you…you and Mary both. Remember back when we used to share each others secrets?"

Ruthie nodded, "Yeah…"

"I wish we could have that relationship again," Lucy sighed.

"Well, that's kind of a three part job," Ruthie mumbled. "Don't blame me for that." She rolled her eyes and looked into her sister's watery blue, sincere looking eyes. Had she finally come around? _Who knocked sense into her? _

Lucy nodded in agreement. "You're right…and I'm not blaming you Ruthie. I…do take partial responsibility for us drifting away…and…I think I know what part of the problem has been."

"Oh," Ruthie uttered. "What would that be?"

Lucy ran her right hand through her hair, and murmured, "Guilt."

"Guilt, you say?"

Her sister nodded. "Ever since…well, ever since I lost the twins…it's been on my mind nonstop. Then, after the baby died…and this December…I feel like God's punishing me for what I did…"

"Why'd you do it?" Ruthie inquired. "I mean, you were married to Kevin…and he's a great guy. What's the deal?"

Lucy's face flushed, likely with embarrassment. "We were just newlyweds," Lucy whispered. "And…I have another confession…"

"Oh?"

"I called Sarah, when I suspected, and she told me…"

"You _knew_?" Ruthie gasped. "Sarah didn't tell me that…she said that only Cecilia and her mom knew…"

Lucy huffed and rolled her eyes. "I don't see how she could forget. But yes, I knew. She told me way back then, and I do know that her mother helped with the carrot seed soup. It was her mother's recipe…apparently it's been in their family for years." Looking away from Ruthie, she sighed, "Yesterday, when I freaked out, I was trying to look like I didn't know. Because if I knew, then my...secret...would come out, and I couldn't have that. Obviously, my plan backfired."

"You mean…" Ruthie's stomach churned with assumptions. "You're lying," Ruthie accused. _She has to be, she just has to be lying, _Ruthie told herself. _She's trying to make Sarah look like the bad guy, and she an innocent victim…that witch._ But, then again, before yesterday, Ruthie would have never guessed that she had self-induced an abortion in the first place. Nonetheless, defensively, she argued, "Sarah wouldn't, she just wouldn't do that…"

"Sarah wouldn't do what?" a deep voice spoke from only a few steps away. Quickly, Ruthie turned her neck away from her sister. Matt was standing before them; he held a plate that was full of food.

"Gross, how can you eat at a time like this?" Lucy rolled her eyes as she rocked her redheaded baby.

"For your information," Matt spoke with a huff, his eyes directed toward Ruthie. "I brought this place for Ruthie; I can't help but notice that she's turned into skin and bones over the last couple of months. Here, Ruthie, eat." Gently, he placed the plate in front of her and then took a seat across from his sisters.

"Uh, thanks, but I'm not hungry…" Ruthie insisted.

"Eat." His stern dark brown eyes aimed directly into hers. Ruthie nodded, hesitantly, and forced a bite from the pulled pork sandwich. Slowly, she chewed the salty meat inside her mouth. The saliva inside of mouth began to build up as she chewed, and her stomach churned and her throat hardened as she forced herself to swallow the bite. In the meantime, Matt crossed down his arms and eyeballed Lucy and Ruthie. "So, what were you saying my wife would never do?"

Ruthie looked at Lucy warningly. Lucy wouldn't tell Matt, because if she did, then she would have to reveal her own secret. "Um, nothing," Lucy insisted. "It's nothing, nothing that concerns you." _Well, that's a lie, _Ruthie thought_, it definitely concerns him. _

"We weren't talking about Sarah," Ruthie insisted, going along with her sister's lie. "Remember my friend Sarah from grade school? Well, we were talking about her. Lucy saw her…uh…smoking pot the other day before they left Glen Oak, and she was telling me." _There, _Ruthie thought_, I've just succeeded in making a little lie, a big lie. _Hesitantly, she glanced at her older sister, who was rolling her eyes.

"You know," Matt gave his sisters a skeptical look. "You're both terrible liars. Of course, that's not your fault. It's in your genes, but still." Ruthie glanced back at her sister, who shrugged, and Ruthie shrugged back, and then her eyes traveled back to her brother. "Anyway…" Matt started; his eyes were now directly aimed at Ruthie. "There's something I wanted to talk with you about, Ruthie."

_He knows; he has to, _Ruthie thought_, did Sarah tell him? No, she wouldn't, would she? She hadn't told him about last December, or at least that was the impression that was received. Would Simon have told him? After all, it was his and Cecilia's idea to keep it a secret until all of this chaos was over. _"Um, okay," Ruthie shrugged, anxiously.

"I'm listening," Lucy said.

"He said _Ruthie_, not Lucy and Ruthie," Ruthie rolled her eyes; she had already managed to forget about the food sitting in front of her. It still lingered up her nostrils, yet, she managed to avoid it.

Lucy huffed as she looked at Matt. Matt said nothing, he solely shrugged and his eyes aimed back toward Ruthie. "Ruthie," he said, "from my experience…which isn't much, but I've had some, they say that people who are near death…_know_…stuff."

"Uh, okay." She trembled, and her palms became sweaty.

"Well…" he continued, "I can't help but replay Grandma Ruth's final words to you in my head…_'Ruthie, you're going to have beautiful children, and you have the opportunity to be a great mother…_' Why would she say that, unless she knew something?"

"Oh my…" Lucy trailed. "Ruthie, you're…you're…no…you can't be. Not again. Holy..." Lucy's once shimmering blue eyes turned pale, and the color was sucked out of her face, as if she could faint.

"Luce…" Matt trailed. "Are you okay?"

"This is my fault," Lucy whispered. She turned to Ruthie. "It happened on Christmas Eve, didn't it? Oh, God. It's my fault…if I had let them run after you…Ruthie, who's the father? I know you came back with Peter, but he was supposed to be at work when you ran off. Where'd you go after you ran off?"

"You people sure jump to conclusions," Ruthie rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. As she spoke, a waddling Sarah came across the room, followed by Kevin.

"Where are the kids?" Lucy immediately gasped, directing her attention off of Ruthie for a few minutes.

"Julie's with them all in the nursery, if you'd like, I can take Bekah over there and you can free your arms for a bit," Kevin insisted.

Lucy shook her head and gripped onto her daughter. "That's fine. I'd just soon keep her right here with me." As she spoke, she was bombarded with gazes from Sarah and Ruthie. "You know," she said. "On second thought, sure, you know, I'll take her…I'll be right back, you stay put, Kevin." She winced and stretched to give Kevin a peck on the cheek, something she used to do all of the time, but Ruthie hadn't seen her do in awhile. Even Kevin seemed a little shocked, as he gave them all an astounded look as Lucy rapidly disappeared with Bekah.

"What's going on?" Kevin inquired, looking at Ruthie, Matt, and Sarah.

"I don't know," Matt answered. "I think it's a woman thing, if you know what I mean." He winked at Kevin, who raised his eyebrows, and the brother-in-laws exchanged looks.

"And what is _that _supposed to mean?" Sarah gaped at her husband. She looked at Ruthie, as if she was searching for an answer. A stretch of paranoia overtook Sarah's face. Ruthie had never seen Sarah look so _paranoid_. Her eyes widened, and her face turned beet red with fury.

"It means, when I walked over here that Ruthie's exact words were _'Sarah wouldn't do that!' _then, when I questioned them, they came up with some pathetic lie about some friend of Ruthie's in high school. What am I missing here? I feel like there's this big secret circling around you women. I heard you and Cecilia whispering on Christmas Eve, and now Lucy and Ruthie are in on it. Sarah, what aren't you telling me?" Matt shot at his wife, his eyes bloodshot.

"What's going on over here?" Simon asked, walking toward them with a glass in his hand. "I heard my wife's name mentioned…something about whispering? What was she whispering about?" Cecilia stood right behind him, giving Sarah and Ruthie hesitant glares.

"See!" Matt cried. "It's us men that are being left out. Our wives and sisters know something, Simon, and they're not sharing it with us."

Simon shot a glance at Ruthie and whispered, "Did you tell them?"

"I told Sarah and Mary," Ruthie answered back, not in a whisper. "But not Lucy – not officially anyway, though Matt already kind of spilled…"

"So, you are pregnant," Matt insisted. "I knew it…the dying really are all-knowing."

"Don't say the word!" Ruthie spat, though she knew it wasn't like it made a difference. She would have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

"You're pregnant?" Kevin gasped.

"I knew it!" Lucy cried, who had just came back in the room. Heads turned as her presence re-entered. "I just knew it…and it's my entire fault."

"Who's the father?" Matt asked. "So I can go murder him."

"It's Morgan…" a solid voice came from just a few feet away. "I mean, Martin, Morgan…same person."

"Okay, Morgan and Martin _is not _the same person!" Lucy shot. "Morgan was our father's dear friend, a minister. Martin…Martin, he's dead when I get my hands on him; that fool!" She placed her hand on Ruthie's shoulder. "What were you thinking? He's too old for you!"

"He's only two years older than me," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "And I'm eighteen now…I'm of the age of consent, so please; quit treating me like I'm a baby." And then her eyes turned back to Matt, "And Simon already volunteered to murder him, thanks anyway." She couldn't help but notice Simon's face flush pink.

"For Heaven's sake!" Matt cried. "This isn't answering my question, and I want it answered now." His eyes shot up at his anxious pregnant wife. "What is going on, and something tells me it has absolutely nothing to do with my unwed eighteen year old sister being impregnated by a guy who used to live with her. And I want answers, now. We can deal with her later!"

Ruthie bit her tongue, and forced herself to hold back laughter. _Thank you Sarah, Mary, and Lucy, _she thought. Her eyes traveled around the room, only to realize at least thirty sets of eyes were gaping at them.

Mary had noticed too, and she grabbed Carlos's arm and sighed. "I really, really don't think this is the _place _to do this…let's take this outside, okay?"

"Sounds like a winner to me," Sarah agreed with Mary, nodding. Her voice then turned into a whisper, "I really doubt that you want all of your grandparents' friends listening."

"It's that bad, eh?" Matt asked doubtfully, but nonetheless stood up. "Let's take this outside then, now."

And they did just that. Matt, Sarah, Carlos, Mary, Simon, Cecilia, and Ruthie all made their way to the outdoors, escaping the internal glares. Ruthie couldn't help but feel that they were still being watched. And they probably were. People would always find a way to snoop into business that wasn't theirs; she of all people ought to have known that.

"So," Matt glared demandingly at his wife and sisters.

"Okay!" Sarah cried. Salty liquid formed in streams down her face. "Four and a half years ago…in May 2003...I murdered our first child. It was selfish of me, and I felt like I didn't have a choice. I'm sorry, Matt. You'll probably never forgive me, and I'm sorry I lied to you…for all of this time. You have no idea how bad it's hurt." Her bloodshot eyes gaped into her husband's.

Matt gazed back at his wife in shock. His eyes had become watered, as tears started to roll out of his eyes too. "That's all?" he asked. "You…you had an abortion…"

"…Not just any abortion, I self-induced it…with the help of my mom…"

Simon and Kevin's jaws dropped to the ground at the same time, both appeared to be in shock. Carlos, on the other hand, didn't seem the least bit surprised. His face remained neutral as he looked at his own wife. Maybe his own mind was swept with curiosity.

Ruthie shot a look at Lucy. She hadn't lied. Ruthie couldn't believe it. Tears were already streaming down her face as she knew her revelation was coming.

"And…and…" she looked at Lucy. "Luce called me…"

"What, Lucy called you?" Matt and Kevin both asked at the same time.

Kevin noticed the tears rolling from his wife's eyes. It wasn't abnormal to see her cry, but given the situation, and the fact that she wasn't attacking Sarah for doing something so immoral, had to make him suspicious. "What is it, Luce? What did you and Sarah talk about?"

"Kevin," Lucy whimpered. "That same spring…I was pregnant too…with our first...Dad had heard that Matt and Sarah were expecting, and I realized I was late. It was only a month and a half after our wedding, and it was just too soon. I was still in school, and I loved you and wanted to have your baby…and…"

"She wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for me," Sarah whispered. "I put her up to it, when Lucy called me she was in tears, she said she was afraid of being pregnant at that time…the feelings she described to me were very much like the ones I had been enduring…so I gave her the recipe that my mom had give me."

"Your mom gave it to you?" Matt gasped. "B-But when I came home right after you told me that you weren't pregnant, your mom was there…there was no way that she knew you were…" his face turned slightly green. "No way, you should have seen how thrilled she was.'

"I know," Sarah whispered. "Right after she was at your house, she called me. My original plans had been to run off to Florida and get a traditional abortion, and when I told my mom that, she told me there was an easier way…a cheaper way, a way that had been in her family for years." She took a deep breath and collapsed her palm on her unborn child. "Matt," she whispered. "Can you ever forgive me? I'll understand if you can't."

Matt closed his eyes, and nodded his head gently. "Sarah…" he reached his arms out and wrapped them around his wife. "I love you," he whispered softly. "And…nothing can change that, we've been through thick and thin…and you've given me two adorable boys, and we're about to have a third. Neither of us are the same people we were our first year of medical school. Now, I think a lot of what happened the following Hanukkah makes sense. In fact, everything makes sense now…I'm just sorry I didn't see it before. If anything, I should've…" A light shimmered in his eyes as he scooped up his wife and unborn child.

On the other side of the tracks, Kevin was staring stupefied at his wife. "Luce, why didn't you tell me? You know that I was raised Catholic, and how against abortion I am."

"Technically, I didn't have an abortion," Lucy murmured. "As far as that goes, it was a miscarriage…and Kevin, do you have any whopping idea how awful I've felt? We've lost four babies since then, and it's my fault. I feel that God's punishing me for what I did. Each and every day, I've been punished. I don't deserve to be a minister, Kevin, I don't deserve Him…and I most certainly don't deserve you. I understand if you'll never forgive me."

Kevin's eyes glistened with liquid; for a buff man who never showed emotion, he showed nothing but emotion at that point. He looked over at Matt and Sarah, whose arms crossed tightly across each other. "If Matt can forgive Sarah," Kevin whispered. "And if it really was her who gave you the idea…Luce, I don't know…"

Lucy wrinkled her nose and sniffed. She turned around and looked at Ruthie. Somehow, Ruthie got the drift that Lucy was thinking_, "I bet you're happy, eh?" _But how could she be? Yes, she was happy that for once the attention wasn't focused on her. To see her siblings in such pain, over something that occurred so long ago, hurt.

"Only time, Luce, only time," Kevin whispered as he gently stroked her soft hair. "We'll get past this," he murmured. "We've got two daughters to think about…and maybe, now that this is off of your chest…maybe God will forgive you, unless of course, it's really like the doctors say, and it's been our blood type all along…"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Lucy whispered, still sobbing.

"That I'd like to have more children with you, Lucy Kinkirk," Kevin suggested. "If that's what you mean."

"Even knowing what a terrible person I am?" she asked, "Still?"

"We'll have to see," Kevin said; his tone couldn't have been more serious. "Like I said, only time can reveal all…time heals."

Ruthie's eyes jetted away from Lucy, Kevin, Matt, and Sarah. She met eyes with the silent group: Simon, Cecilia, Mary, and Carlos. Simon's eyes were on his own wife. "There's not anything that you're not telling me, is there?" he inquired. "You didn't…have an abortion, or _miscarriage_, did you?"

Cecilia gazed sternly at her husband. "No, and I'm appalled that you would even accuse me of that and not telling you so. Our daughter was my first pregnancy."

Simon let out a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry, but you can't blame me, Cecilia." He looked over at Lucy and whispered quietly so his sister couldn't hear him, "This is Lucy we're talking about, Cecilia. _Lucy_."

In the meantime, Carlos was shrugging at his own wife. "So, Mare, do you have any secrets you'd like to share with me?"

Mary glared over at Ruthie and shrugged, sighing. "It was before we were together, Carlos…months before we ever reunited. It wasn't yours, and I couldn't have that man's baby."

"Captain Jack?" Carlos asked. "The old guy you told me about?"

Mary nodded reluctantly.

"Good. I'm glad you got rid of it."

"You're Catholic too, aren't you against abortion?" Mary accused, seemingly shocked by her husband's reaction.

"Yeah, but having a baby with a man twice your age, Mare? ¡Eso es asqueroso!"

"No, he wasn't a virgin!" Mary cried. "He had two daughters, both whom were about my age."

Carlos let out a roll of laughter. "_¡__Eso es asqueroso! _Means: _That is gross!_"

"Oooooh," Mary raised her eyebrows. "Soooo…" her face flushed a bit as she looked at Ruthie, and then back at her husband, and then toward Simon and Cecilia. "I was thinking, now that Ruthie's…well, you know…she should come live with us, what do you think about that Carlos?"

Carlos shrugged, "I don't see anything wrong with that at all. Ruthie's more than welcomed to come live with us."

"I think not!" Simon gasped, before Carlos could answer. "She has been happy in London, haven't you been Ruthie? And besides, Mary, come on. Remember _last time_!"

"Don't bring that up, please," Mary pleaded, more patient than she had been when Sarah had brought _that _up. It was like she was out to prove her sanity to Simon. "You're only using her as an in-house baby-sitter."

"And what would you be using her as?" Simon coughed. "You have three kids, come on."

"I would insist that Ruthie get a job in New York. She barely has any work experience, and baby-sitting doesn't count—."

"—I worked at the movie theater in Glen Oak for awhile," Ruthie insisted; then she shuddered as she remembered why she had wanted that job so badly. _T-Bone, _her heart pounded recklessly. Horrible memories flooded her head.

"See, she needs more experience in the real world, and she's not going to get that living in London…" Mary insisted. "New York would be good for her; I know it was good for me at that age. I was the same age Ruthie is now when I moved in with the Colonel and Grandma." As she pronounced _Grandma_, Mary's voice quivered just a tad.

"You were in Buffalo," Simon pointed out. "Not New York City. There's a difference. I don't think I like the idea of my eighteen-year-old _pregnant _sister living in New York City, and no offense Mare, but particularly with you. You're not exactly the best example."

"Only 7.7 million people," Mary suggested, laughing a bit, almost like she was serious. "And besides, she's already pregnant. What could happen that's worse? And while we're talking about setting bad examples, I remember a certain someone who came home drunk his sophomore year and used his siblings to cover his tracks, and I also remember hearing about a certain someone who thought he had AIDS, before he was married."

"Don't you dare…?" Simon's eyes glared. "And you've just admitted to not being a virgin when you married Carlos! So, like you have room to talk! At least my girlfriend didn't have an abortion."

"And you know that, _how_? If I remember right, you had your own pregnancy scare. In fact, if I remember right, you had two of them…how do you know that one, or both, of them didn't abort their pregnancies?" Mary shot. "You know, it's our bodies, our choice. We don't _have _to tell the father of our babies what we're doing!"

"Wait a minute," Simon raised his brows as he glared back and forth between Mary and Ruthie. His eyes finally set on Mary. "You're not going to insist Ruthie get an abortion, and not tell Martin, are you? You can't do that, Mary. Despite how much anger I feel for Martin right now, Ruthie's equally responsible, she's eighteen now. And he has all of the right to know…"

"No, actually he doesn't," Mary said. "It's her body, her choice." She crossed her arms and looked toward Ruthie.

Here they had been raised in a conservative, Christian atmosphere. Her father had _never _mentioned abortion around the children. When he talked about teenaged pregnancy, he would always mention two options: keeping the baby _or _adoption. Abortion was never the answer, and here it was, being throwed around so vigorously.

Carefully, she glanced over at Lucy and Sarah, both clinging to their respective spouses. She saw the hurt in their eyes, and the pain they endured. If she aborted the child, she knew that was exactly how she would feel. A piece of emptiness lingered within their eyes. Ruthie didn't want to feel that emptiness again, a feeling she had felt last summer when she had found out about the baby she lost. _How could I ever intentionally kill my child? _

"Either way," Cecilia finally spoke up, looking into her husband's eyes. "Whatever Ruthie does, it's her choice. It's her life. She needs to decide where she wants to live, and what she wants to do with her body."

Her head continued to spin, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't picture herself ever going back to London. What would she do there? Sit on her bed, watch Madi, and eat chips for the next nine months? Surely she'd be so fat; she'd never lose the baby fat after the baby was born.

Mary and Carlos's eyes shined into hers sincerely. The option was there, and even if she knew she couldn't abort the _child _like Mary had suggested, an opportunity was there. And if Mary was willing to support her…could she say no?

_What are you thinking, Ruthie! _Her conscious screamed back at her. This was the same sister who had abandoned her after the accident that had killed her unborn child; the same sister who had destroyed a gym, begged for money, and taken advantage of her sisterly love; the same sister who had lied to her on more than one occasion. Could she really be trusted now?

Her eyes looked sincere, but were they were really? "So Ruthie," Mary asked quietly. "What do you say?"

* * *

**Author's Note: **What will she decide? Find out next chapter! I originally wanted you to find out this chapter, but it got way too long, and I find that 10,000 word chapters are too long to read. (This is pushing it, it's at about 7,400.)

**Credits:**

_Amazing Grace – John Newton  
_

_Only Time – Enya_

**Oh yeah…thank you guys for the reviews, and getting me to the magical two hundred! :] Let's go for another 200? I'm happy with any reviews. Reviews are what keep me motivated. Believe me, when I started this, I would have never guessed that this story would make 38 chapters, 200 reviews, and 200,000 words. Thank you all for keeping me going. **


	39. Double Trouble

Outside Heaven

Chapter 39

Double Trouble

Time would come and go, and Ruthie would look back upon her decision, questioning whether or not she had made the right one_. She had looked with worrisome eyes back and forth between her brother and sister. Simon's eyes were frowning at her with concern as Mary gently placed her bony hand on her shoulder. "What do you say, Ruthie?" she asked again._

_Ruthie had closed her eyes, and gently placed her hand on her abdomen. She tried to imagine her belly swollen, like Sarah's currently was. It was an image she could not fathom in her head. But it was going to happen, and she knew it. _

_Shaking her head, she looked directly into her brothers eyes, "Simon…" she started, and "You and Cecilia have been nothing but support to me. But…" Ruthie had looked back at her oldest sister. "I think I need my sister now."_

_Mary's eyes had lit up as she scooped Ruthie into her arms. "We need each other," Mary whispered. "And I'm going to be there for you, Ruthie, I promise. I'm going to prove to you that I'm still here for you, sis." _

_Ruthie smiled to her herself, as she was still being hugged by her oldest sister. She watched Simon's eyes droop with disappointment. "Okay," Simon whispered, grabbing his wife's hand. "Cecilia's right, it's your decision. And Ruthie…" he glanced toward Cecilia; then back to her, "Cecilia and I will always be there for you, no matter what."_

Mary had kept her promises, at least so far. As time had passed, Ruthie found Mary going well out of her way to ensure that she was receiving the best care possible. After all had been finalized in Buffalo, Ruthie had flown back to England to gather her stuff. A day later, she had hugged Simon, Cecilia, and little Madi good-bye and was on her way to New York City, where she would meet Mary, Carlos, Charlie, Crissy, and Jenny at the airport. Saying good-bye to Simon and Cecilia hadn't been easy on her; but it was just something she felt she had to do. It was her life.

The day she had arrived in New York City, she had made it clear to Mary her intentions. Abortion was out. "I can't do it, Mare, I can't…I'm still having a hard time believing both of my sisters and sister-in-law have had abortions. I don't care what anyone says, abortion is murder," she told her sister.

Mary had nodded with understanding, and placed a hand on Ruthie's shoulder. "It's your ultimate choice," Mary told her. "And understand, whether or not you inform Martin, that's your choice. He doesn't have to know."

Even as months would pass, Ruthie would remember what had happened afterward sharply in her mind. Her heart would begin to throb with each time she remembered the words in her head…

"Mare," Ruthie had said quietly. "T-There's something I need to tell somebody…and it might as well be you."

Smiling weakly, seemingly honored by Ruthie's new proclaimed trust in her; Mary placed her hand on her little sister's shoulder. "You can tell me anything," Mary insisted, "Whatever you tell me is between you and me, I promise."

"You won't tell Lucy…or Matt…or anyone?" Ruthie couldn't help but challenge.

"Hey, Lucy and I are just on speaking terms," Mary laughed. "I doubt I'll have any reason to tell her anything. We're trying to rebuild our relationship, but I'm not sure it will ever be what it used to be. Once you've gone through what we've gone through…it's difficult to rebuild that trust we once had."

"Yeah," Ruthie mumbled, "Trust…"

Mary's eyes twinkled with a sparkle of moisture inside of them. "I really do feel like I abandoned you, Ruthie. What I said after Dad died was all true. Then, of course, I blew it again," she sighed.

Ruthie shook her head, sighing. "It's all history, Mary," Ruthie told her sister, quietly. "The past is the past, and all we have to do is keep moving forward. Hopefully, some day, you, Lucy, and I can all have the friendship I remember we had when I was a kid…it's a work in progress."

Mary laughed lightly and smiled. "I forgot how smart you were," she winked.

"I'm obviously not that smart," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Otherwise, I wouldn't be in this…situation."

"Don't look at it as a situation," Mary suggested, "look at it as God's destiny for your life…now what was it you wanted to tell me?" Her eyes patiently aimed into Ruthie's, she crossed her arms and waited.

Ruthie had closed her eyes and looked away from her sister. Her eyes traveled over to a painting that hung on Mary's wall. Ruthie didn't know where it had come from, but it was a picture of a sail boat at sunset. The scenery in the painting was so peaceful and calm, very much the contrary of how Ruthie felt inside. Inside, her heart was racing like she was running from a rapidly spreading wild fire. She felt like she was about to die.

"What if…" Ruthie started, "What if, for say, Martin might not be the father?"

Her sister's eyes widened like rapid fire. "What do you mean?" Mary asked slowly. "Are you saying…you were with someone else? Why else would Sarah have thought it was Martin's?"

"Because she knows I slept with Martin on Christmas Eve," Ruthie mumbled. "She…doesn't know about…nobody does." her face flustered as she watched Mary's face turn an almost olive color. Ruthie couldn't stop thinking about what was going through her sister's mind. Maybe, Ruthie worried, that Mary had decided her little sister was nothing but a slut. With that, maybe, she would want to send her back to Glen Oak, or maybe she would tell the whole family, and nobody would support her anymore. "Mare…" Ruthie trailed. "Say something…"

"Who is it?" she asked dryly.

"Peter," Ruthie flatly mouthed.

Mary closed her eyes and nodded, slowly taking a seat on the couch. It was Saturday, and Carlos had taken the kids to the park so Mary and Ruthie could have some 'bonding' time. Thus, they had the house to themselves, fortunately. "Oh," Mary whispered. "Well, it's not…that big of a deal…it's not important who the father is genetically."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ruthie asked quickly, eyeballing her sister's dismaying face. Nervously, she took a seat next to Mary. "What do you mean by it's not important who the father is genetically?"

"What's important is: who cares for the child," Mary said flatly. "And if they never find out, what does it matter anyway?"

"What do you mean by that? All three of the kids are Carlos's, right?" Ruthie demanded and raised her brows.

"Charlie is," Mary responded quietly. "I know that much."

"Wait." Ruthie felt her heart stop. "Y-You're saying that Crissy and Jenny might not be…? Who else were you with?" Then it hit her. Mary had been separated from Carlos less than a year before the twins were conceived. Why hadn't any of them questioned it before? The twins were born in June, which meant they would have been conceived sometime in August or September. At that time, Mary had led them to believe that she was separated from Carlos. Apparently, it had been generally accepted by their family that Mary and Carlos had gotten back together. Oh God, Ruthie's thoughts screamed.

Mary wouldn't say anything further on the subject, leaving Ruthie in a jungle of confusion. Who could she have been with? The thoughts continued to thud through her head. Every time she looked at Crissy and Jenny, she looked for traces of Carlos. But the more and more she looked at them, the more she struggled to find any hint of Carlos's genetics.

One could argue that they were miniature Mary's. There was nothing wrong with that; was there? But their eyes were bright blue; well, Charlie's eyes had been blue when he was little too. All little children had blue eyes. Now, Charlie's eye pigment had turned green, just like his father's.

Crissy and Jenny's hair had turned golden blonde; from the baby pictures Ruthie had seen of the twins when they were very small, they had very dark hair. But now, both girls' hair had lightened. In a way, they were growing to look more and more like their cousin, Savannah. _No,_ Ruthie told herself_, that can't be_. He had said that he and Mary hadn't had any contact. Why would he have lied? _He didn't lie, he didn't. He wouldn't._ Her heart throbbed as she remembered him, now dead. She hadn't taken time to really grieve the brother-in-law – well, her sister's brother-in-law, who she would always consider to be hers. Every time she thought of him being dead, her heart jabbed with pain. It was easier to accept that he was away in Buffalo, busy on the job. Just like, it was easier to accept that her father was just down at the church working on a long sermon. Or that her grandmother hadn't really died. She was off with some friends in the Caribbean. And her mother wasn't in a coma, really, she was visiting Ginger.

Ginger, Ruthie had thought of on a few occasions. She remembered thinking of her before, and how she hadn't even been to her father's funeral. Nobody had mentioned her. If something happens to Mom…Ruthie cut that thought out of her head real quickly. Don't, Ruthie, don't think like that. She told herself, feeling in denial.

A few days after Ruthie had settled in with Mary and Carlos in New York, and Ruthie had made it clear that she intended on keeping the baby, Mary had insisted they get her in to see a doctor.

"You conceived the day before Christmas Eve, right?" Mary had asked one day out of the blue.

"I suppose," Ruthie answered. "Seeing as that was the only day…you know…"

"So you're about six weeks now, then," Mary told her. "Most doctors don't recommend seeing patients until seven or eight weeks…but I think you should get it confirmed, because for all you know, it was a false pregnancy test…those do happen."

Ruthie had rolled her eyes when Mary said that. Obviously, they didn't. A few weeks ago, she could have felt that maybe it was a possibility. Matt had told her about Sarah's three "false" pregnancy tests. He, of course, at the time believed they really had been false. Now, of course, that was proven wrong. They hadn't been false. Ruthie knew hers wasn't either.

She didn't need a pregnancy test, or a doctor's confirmation, to tell her that she was pregnant. Unless, which she knew it wasn't the case, her abhorrent morning sickness, bizarre cravings for sour foods like grapefruit, along with random chills and dizzy spells were some sort of coincidence. It had all become more frequent than last time. On the other hand, Ruthie knew that she was a whole week further along than she had been last time; and it was in the last week she had really started to feel ill.

"It's not," Ruthie had told Mary, crossing her arms.

"I still think you should see a doctor…and I know my doctor will see you. She was great with Charlie, and delivered the twins. Of course, I wasn't living in New York for the first seven months with the twins, but I when we moved back in the beginning of that May she fit me right in… I also recommended her to Sarah too. She delivered their boys too."

"That's great," Ruthie murmured. "In other words, she's well familiar with our family." Ruthie wasn't exactly sure how great that was. She wasn't sure how comfortable she was seeing a doctor who probably knew her whole family history. It could be good, or bad.

"Yeah, she knows about how insanity runs in the family," Mary winked. Ruthie widened her eyes and Mary laughed, "I'm sure she could tell you stories…but then again, that's breaking doctor and patient confidentiality…but I doubt Matt and Sarah would mind."

"You mean she doesn't have anything to tell me about you?" Ruthie rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"Nothing worth telling," Mary shrugged as she grabbed for the phone. She began dialing a number without looking it up. It was like she had it memorized. "Hi, Dr. Reynolds, this is Mary Rivera" … "The kids are great, thanks for asking" … Mary laughed a little, "No, I'm not expecting again…I'm actually calling you regarding my sister" … "No, she's my sister-in-law…it's my little sister, she's only eighteen and is living with my husband and me…we think she's about six weeks and I was hoping I could bring her in to confirm the pregnancy" … "Actually, it's her second…last time…well, she was in an accident" … Mary's face flustered red, and Ruthie's stomach sickened as she imagined what the question had been. "You mean, right now? Really, thank you. We'll be right over." Mary hung up the phone and her eyes gaped toward Ruthie, "She said she has an opening right now…" Ruthie's stomach muscles tightened with anxiety, as she remembered last time. At least she wasn't sneaking around this time, at least every one knew. She nodded nervously and reached for her coat.

All around, Ruthie felt different compared to how she felt last time. Whether it was the fact that she wasn't sneaking around, or that she sort of knew what to expect, she didn't know. Something about this whole pregnancy felt different. Maybe, just maybe, it was the fact that she had the support of her whole family…

Back in Buffalo, after everyone had found out, nobody had really said anything to her. She now understood that timing was everything. Lucy and Kevin, and Matt and Sarah had spent the remainder of their time in Buffalo separate from the rest of the family. Back at the hotel, they had mingled to their hotel rooms. Ruthie had then started to cling to Mary, worrying that Simon was secretly bitter with her. Even though he said he wasn't.

Afterward, they had all gone their separate ways. It was almost as if it wasn't happening. Nobody talked about it or condemned her. If it were supposed to make her feel relaxed, it didn't. It made her a nervous wreck. What were they thinking? Was her family talking behind her back? When they didn't say anything, she couldn't know. Not even her aunt or uncle had said a word to her about it, and she knew they knew.

"Ruthie Camden." She heard a nurse call her name. Languidly, she stretched her legs to stand up and started walking toward the nurse. Mary trailed slowly behind her. "Follow me," the brunette nurse instructed and smiled. "Stand on the scale," she instructed.

Dubiously, Ruthie stepped onto the scale. She watched the nurse mess with the scale numbers. When she closed her eyes, she remembered only nine months ago when she was in the same situation. She felt bloated, but Mary had been continuously gone on and on about how she needed to eat more for she looked like she was about to turn into "skin and bones." Ruthie, on the other hand, didn't see the big deal. She was going to be huge soon or later. "You need your nutrition," Mary had repeatedly told her, "you're feeding for two now." _Blah, whatever,_ Ruthie had thought. When she did eat, she threw up, and it wasn't only in the morning. It would happen at all hours of the day. Ruthie had decided she would just rather not eat. If she didn't eat, she felt fine…for the most part, aside from a little light headedness. But she assumed that was normal. And, no, she wasn't throwing up on purpose. It was the salty grimy slime that would build inside the tissue of her mouth every time she ate.

The nurse motioned her to follow her. Ruthie looked up at her sister and murmured, "You don't have to come with me, you know. Matt and Sarah didn't come with me when they took me to see a doctor." She folded her arms and gave her sister an annoyed look.

Mary frowned and sighed, "Okay, okay. I just wanted to be here to support you…I'll let you go, I suppose."

"Don't push it," Ruthie rolled her eyes, and for the first time truly wondered what she was doing there. Mary had let her down so many times before, and there she had: jumped at the opportunity to come and live with her. It wasn't the first time Ruthie had fallen into her older sister's trap. She was reminded of only a few Thanksgivings ago when Mary had invited her to go to Puerto Rico with her, Carlos, and Charlie. Ruthie had been so excited, thinking that she would get to spend some quality time with her older sister and watch Charlie. Of course, that had failed. She had promised herself then she would never fall into Mary's attempt to "reconcile" their relationships. But here she was again; trying to make matters right with her eldest sister, the Queen of Screwing Up. Maybe she belonged with her; after all, she was officially far worse than Mary with having had two pregnancies under the age of twenty.

Mary reluctantly turned around and returned to the waiting room and Ruthie followed the confounded nurse into a patient room. The drill was very similar to her previous experience. Déjà vu hit Ruthie hard as she impatiently answered the nurse's questions. She hadn't even gotten to see a doctor yet, and she was already burned out. Wasn't this doctor supposed to be so 'great'? If she was so great, why was she having her nurse do all of the question asking? Couldn't she do it herself?

"Have you ever been pregnant before?" the nurse asked and Ruthie gnawed on her lip.

"I suppose, yes," Ruthie mouthed. "But you should know that, Mary told whoever she was talking to on the phone that. I think it was the doctor."

"It's just standard procedure," the nurse said, seemingly a little irritated with Ruthie's rudeness. "Did that pregnancy or pregnancies result in a live birth?"

"Well, I don't have a baby," Ruthie rolled her eyes, carelessly, "So, obviously not."

"Does your family have a history of miscarriages or other problems regarding to pregnancy?" the nurse continued.

Ruthie placed her hands on her hips and stated, "If you know anything about my family, and if really know my sister, you would know that my family is composed of baby-making machines. We come from a family of seven children. I have eight nieces and nephews, and a ninth on the way." She told the nurse and added, "Oh, my sister Lucy has lost four babies, but that's not a big deal, seeing as it turns out it was just her blood type. She's O negative. It's obviously the doctor's fault for not realizing that. What an idiotic doctor, don't you say?"

"Well," the nurse said slowly, her expression showed unease, "I'm sorry for your sister's loss, and I'm glad you mentioned that. Do you know your blood type?"

Ruthie shrugged, "Mom and Dad never told me, so no. I know that my brother…oh wait…I'm O positive; my brother told me that after the accident. You see, it was because of the accident I lost the baby. Mary was driving, you know, my sister who's out there. So, it's her fault that I lost the baby, but she feels horrible about it, so don't say anything about it or she'll flip. I guess I should be fortunate that she's allowing me to live here with her so I don't have to face the potential fathers of this kid."

"I can't help but notice you said fathers…" the nurse trailed then shook her head, "Never mind, it's none of my business."

She shook her head and felt her hair brush against her shoulders. "No, you're not prying at all. I have no problem sharing…it's a long story, but bottom line: I'm a slut who doesn't know who the father of her own baby is. Sad, isn't it? I'm a preacher's daughter, who could've guessed that I would get into this mess? My parents always thought I'd be different, but they were all too ignorant to predict that this shit would happen. I have to admit, I didn't think I'd end up knocked up twice before I was twenty."

The little pigment that was left in the nurse's face vanished into thin air as she turned snow white. "Well," she said softly, "I think I've got what I need…I'll go forward this history to the doctor, and she should be in to see you momentarily. It was a pleasure meeting you, Ruthie." She forced a smile and turned around to disappear out the door.

After she was gone, Ruthie twirled her hair around her finger nervously. Her eyes traveled around the room, taking in as much about her surrounds that she could. The patient room's walls were a light cream color. A few medical related posters hung over the walls. One was a chart showing the stages of development over the first year of life. For each month, a picture of a baby demonstrated the sage in development. Underneath each picture, listed milestones an infant should hit during that month.

Beside it was a pregnancy developmental chart for each week. Ruthie found herself staring at it; and lightly placing her hand over her own stomach. Six weeks, she thought as she scrolled with her eyes down the chart. She didn't have to go too far. "At six weeks, your baby's heart is beating at about 100 to 160 times a minute…" Ruthie let out a gasp as she pressed a little harder against her stomach. _He or she has a heart beat,_ she thought, finding it hard to fathom that a living being was living inside of her.

A loud noise, which turned out to be the opening of the door, made her flinch. She turned her head and saw a middle-aged, perhaps in her early-to-mid forties, woman in a white coat standing before her. The woman had medium-length wavy blonde hair, which was let down. She gave Ruthie a friendly smile and let out her hand, "Hello, I'm Dr. Reynolds. You must be Ruthie, Mary's sister."

Ruthie shook the doctor's hand out of politeness. "Yup, that would be me. The screw up, Of course, you already know that part, because if I weren't a screw up I wouldn't be here before you, eh?"

Dr. Reynolds' face straightened, but didn't reply. "So, Ruthie," she started. "Mary said that you thought you were about six weeks."

"That's right," Ruthie replied tritely, all she could think about was getting it all over with. Though she knew it was just the beginning. "It was on December twenty-third."

The doctor nodded and wrote on her clipboard. She continued to exam her, and in the meantime tried to keep a conversation going. "Mary mentioned you'd been pregnant before, and my nurse noted that pregnancy ended in an accident, but she didn't note how for along you were. Did you see a doctor last time?"

"I was five weeks," Ruthie answered. "And yeah, matter of fact; I had just gotten back from the doctor right before it happened."

"Oh," Dr. Reynolds' face whitened. Ruthie had tried to capture what Mary thought was so great about her; so great that she had to recommend her to Sarah. She had had a problem scoping it out. Then again, she couldn't just pass judgment like that. After all, she had just met the woman. "Who did you see?"

Ruthie shook her head. "Some friend of my sister-in-law's back in Glen Oak—Sarah's, Mary said you delivered Jake and Noah. Her name was Dr. Smith, and she was really nice. It was her own private clinic; apparently she specializes in teen pregnancy."

"That's right," Dr. Reynolds smiled lightly. "I did deliver Jake and Noah; I remember Matt and Sarah quite well. Med students, right? How are they doing?"

Ruthie laughed silently to herself. "Oh, they're doing great," she said, not exactly fibbing. She added, "Jake and Noah are great, Matt and Sarah are discovering a new realm, oh and they're also expecting their third baby – another boy."

"Well, the next time you talk to them tell that Dr. Reynolds says, 'Hi, and congratulations', can you do that for me?" the doctor smiled lightly and gently placed her hand on Ruthie's shoulder. Ruthie flinched, and jerked away quickly. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you…anyway, I was expecting to see Mary with you…I haven't seen her since the babies were very small."

"Oh, well she's in the waiting room," Ruthie said quietly. "She didn't feel comfortable coming back with me…you know, she's still in disbelief that I'm…well, yeah. Whatever."

"I see," Dr. Reynolds responded, a bit startled. "Well, it was nice of her to let you come and stay with her. My nurse mentioned that you didn't know who the father was."

Ruthie stared, and didn't answer the question.

"Anyway," she continued, "have you considered your options? It's a routine question that I always ask patients in your situation, and since you're only six weeks, if you're correct."

"You're asking me if I want an abortion." Ruthie rolled her eyes. "The answer is no, absolutely not. I've been through this with Mary already. I may be a slut, but I'm still a preacher's daughter. Abortion is immoral…though…" she bit her tongue, and told herself that Dr. Reynolds didn't need to know about her sisters' and sister-in-law's past.

Dr. Reynolds smiled and nodded. "That's fine, and I understand. So, you will be going through with the pregnancy. Have you considered adoption?"

Ruthie gnawed at her lip and looked toward her feet. She remembered last time; how the thought had traced her mind on more than one occasion. Maybe she had been selfish; obviously nothing had changed. "I can't," was all she could mouth. "I-I just can't…I would never be able to live with myself."

"You still have some time to think about it," Dr. Reynolds said, almost as if she were encouraging her to lean toward adoption.

"Right," Ruthie said flatly and bitterly added, "And besides, who knows if there is even going to be a baby…for all we know, what happened last time could happen."

Dr. Reynolds' face grimaced, and she didn't respond to Ruthie's negative attitude. "Have you been experiencing a lot of morning sickness? And have you been eating properly? I can tell you this; you're five pounds underweight for your height right now. Which isn't major, but you do need to be eating lots of protein, fruit, and vegetables."

"Every time I eat I feel nauseous," Ruthie mumbled. "Every time I smell food I feel sick, and every morning I'm so dizzy I can barely get out of bed."

The doctor nodded and told her, "Might I suggest eating foods high in protein? Also, try some green tea or maybe some cookies. That helped me when I was pregnant; with all three of my children I went through what you're describing."

"Oh, you have kids?" Ruthie took note to.

She smiled, "Two girls and a boy. Though I have to say, my morning sickness was worse with my girls than my boy." _A little girl_, Ruthie pondered, and for the first time she thought about how fun a little girl could be. Ruthie pictured herself dressing her daughter up in frilly pink dresses like Lucy liked to do with Savannah. To herself, Ruthie shook her head. She would never be like Lucy, ever. When, if – she could help but think that, she wouldn't be like Lucy or her mother. _Then how will I be? Like Mary?_ Ruthie thought, realizing she knew no different. No, I won't be like Mary, she decided. Mary would let Charlie pretty much do whatever he wanted; to the extent it disgusted Ruthie. He would scribble all over his bedroom, and Mary would simply shrug and allow him to continue. Ruthie was afraid to comment on it; the last thing she needed was Mary sending her back to Glen Oak. Then she would have to…she didn't want to think about it.

"I see…" Ruthie trailed, shaking her thoughts away when she remembered something out of the blue. "So…Mary said you had stories to tell about Matt and Sarah."

"Hmm," Dr. Reynolds seemed searching deep inside her memories. "Nothing specific I can think of. But if I think of something that I can mention, I'll let you know." _Yeah, doctor and patient confidentiality, _Ruthie thought, honestly believing that the doctor before her was lying. "Anyway," Dr. Reynolds continued, "I'm going to hook you up to an ultrasound machine…if you are really six weeks along we should be able to see a sac."

"They didn't do that last time," Ruthie noted inquisitively.

"Well, you did say it was a private practice. Maybe she didn't have the equipment to see it so early. A lot of the older machines won't detect the sac so early. But you are at one of the best hospitals in New York. We have some of the best modern technology."

"Oh." Ruthie nodded with understanding.

"So, if you'll follow me I'll take you to our ultrasound room." Dr. Reynolds motioned her to follow her. Ruthie pushed off of the table and followed her through the hallway. As they walked down the hallway, they passed two very pregnant women. Both looked as if they could pop at any moment. Ruthie's stomach churned, realizing that would be her. If all went well. The idea itself was invading; something she didn't know how to predict.

She followed Dr. Reynolds into a small room with a table and several machines standing around. Dr. Reynolds motioned her to lie down the table, which Ruthie did. As Ruthie lied down, she watched the doctor boot up the ultrasound machine. She placed a cold substance over her stomach and set pressed with a smooth round object against her stomach. From the minute the object touched her stomach, a loud wishing and thumping noise began. "I-Is that…a heartbeat?" Ruthie stuttered, looking up at Dr. Reynolds.

The doctor smiled widely, and chuckled. "That's a heartbeat." Ruthie felt as if her heart had stopped, but it hadn't. The loud thumping continued to throb into her ears. Then suddenly she realized it was getting louder; no, it was out of sync. Like there were two hearts. Was she hearing her heartbeat too? She looked up at Dr. Reynolds, whose eyes had widened as she looked into the screen. "Ruthie…" Dr. Reynolds trailed. "Twins run in your family, don't they?"

_No, no it can't be; _Ruthie's head throbbed. Any moisture that had been in her throat dried up all at once. "Matt and Mary…" she said dryly, her throat was burning. "A-And I have twin eight-year-old brothers…they'll be nine on Valentine's Day."

"Well," she watched Dr. Reynolds point to the sonogram image. Ruthie squinted so she could see two small oval images on the screen. They were about the size of a raspberry. "Ruthie," Dr. Reynolds trembled and pointed to the screen. "This is sac one, embryo one, and here…this is the second sac and the second embryo. You're having twins."

* * *

**Note: **Sorry for the delay. Hopefully there won't be such a delay between this and the next. It's down to crunch time, and I do want to finish this. :]


	40. Eiffel Tower

Outside Heaven

Chapter 40

Eiffel Tower

"_You're having twins." Her head froze and her heart stopped for the following moment. _No, I can't be, _she told herself as she looked with teary eyes on the sonogram image. But she knew it; her eyes were not deceiving her. There were really two embryos. "Ruthie?" Dr. Reynolds was staring at her with concerned eyes. "Are you okay? Say something."_

"_T-Twins," she uttered. "Really, well, I can't say I'm not surprised. Everyone in my family has had twins." She tried to force a confident smile; as if it weren't a big deal. _For Pete's sake, _she thought with no pun intended_, I'm not ready to have one baby…more less two. _Her head spun and spun, to no end._

_When Dr. Reynolds was done examining her, she printed the sonogram for her to have. The embryos were so small; too small for the naked eye to see. Before she left, she was handed a prescription for prenatal vitamins; déjà vu hit again. As she left, Dr. Reynolds smiled and reminded her to say hi to Mary for her. Ruthie insisted that she would and proceeded into the waiting room, stuffing the ultrasound image in her pocket. Mary didn't need to know that she was having twins. It wasn't any of her business, was it? After all, it was her pregnancy; not Mary's. _

_Immediately as she entered the waiting room, Mary stood up anxiously. With her arms straight by her side she asked, "So, how'd it go?"_

"_Fine," Ruthie shrugged, carelessly. She handed Mary the prescription for prenatal vitamins and patted her pocket where the sonogram image was safe.  
_

As the world turned, time started to pass faster and faster. Her twelve week visit came and passed. She still hadn't told Mary, or any of her siblings for that matter, that she was having twins. Matt would call her at least every other week to check in on her. No matter how she was, she would insist that she was fine. As much as she could, she would try to focus the attention off of herself. Matt didn't need to know every detail of her pregnancy; even if he thought he did, being a gynecologist and all. Every time he called, she would ask him how Sarah was doing. Sarah had reached week thirty-seven – or full term – toward the end of February. As March drug on, she and Matt were just counting the days. Matt had told her that her contractions had gotten pretty intense, but they still weren't close enough together.

A few days before Easter, Matt had told her that he, Sarah, and the boys were going to spend Easter with Kevin and Lucy. Since the revelations, surprisingly, tensions had separated between Matt, Sarah, Kevin, and Lucy. Matt had told her that they had been truly been trying to salvage their relationships. Ever since she had revealed her secret, Matt had said that Sarah was much more relaxed. Now that she knew that he wasn't just going to leave her because of it, she hadn't been pushing his converting and hadn't said a word when he mentioned their Christian holidays. Matt had mentioned something about having a long conversation with her about what they were going to do about religion in their family. They had both come to the conclusion that they would celebrate both religions, and allow their children to select for themselves. Ruthie was glad they had both come to their senses.

As Easter approached, Ruthie was nearing fifteen weeks. In another week, she was scheduled to have another visit with Dr. Reynolds, which she oh so looked forward to. Lucy had called her cell phone a few days before Easter and had invited her to fly out and join them for Easter. Immediately, Ruthie got the drift that there was something behind Lucy's motives other than a 'family Easter.' She was aware that Lucy had been in contact with Mary, and she was also aware that she had heard Mary arguing with Lucy one night. _"She doesn't have to tell Martin if she doesn't want to, Lucy!" _Mary had screamed into the receiver. Even though she couldn't hear Lucy's response, Ruthie could see the anger in Mary's eyes. Mary had said she and Lucy were trying to re-establish their relationships; but obviously, they still had their disagreements. What _Ruthie _should do about _her _own life obviously was one of them.

And apparently, Lucy preferred to argue with Mary about it than with Ruthie herself. That itself upset Ruthie. For one, if Lucy had something to say to her, she should go through _her, _not Mary, nor Matt, not anyone else. For two, it wasn't any of her business in the first place! She was more than capable of making her own decisions, no matter what her brothers and sisters seemed to think.

Simon was the only one who seemed to respect her decisions. While she still felt that he was upset with her, he didn't stop her, nor did he try to influence her. She had only talked to him a couple of times since moving in with Mary. Once was directly after she had heard Mary and Lucy talking. Ruthie had told Simon about it, and asked him his opinion. He had simply replied_, "What my opinion is, is well, my opinion. And I know, no matter what I think, you're going to do what you think is best for you and your unborn child. I'm sad to see you go through this at such a young age, and I wish that it hadn't happened. But it's your life Ruthie, live it however you feel is best for you." _She had to thank him for that, and for him respecting her choices; especially given how she had just left him. It wasn't that she didn't feel about it; but something inside of her just told her she had to give Mary another chance. Somehow, it felt like it was her last chance to let Mary prove herself to her.

Ruthie had discussed Lucy's offer with Mary; and it turned out that Lucy had actually contacted Mary _first_ insisting that they come out for Easter. Mary had given her a flat out, "No." The school that Mary worked at didn't give any extra vacation time for Easter, other than Good Friday. While they had the time to fly out and back, with three children flights were never fun. And since they would only be there for the weekend, Mary didn't see the point.

Or at least that was the reason she had given Ruthie. Though, for some reason, Ruthie couldn't help but get the drift that there was another reason Mary didn't want to go back to Glen Oak. She couldn't pin point it, but she knew there was something Mary wasn't telling her.

Needless to say, Ruthie endured an interesting Easter with Mary, Carlos, and the kids. Since Carlos was Catholic, when Mary and Carlos went to Church, they would attend a nearby Catholic Mass. Though, the way Mary talked, they only would go on holidays like Christmas, Palm Sunday, Easter, Pentecost, and Corpus Christi. They were the longer Masses, and Carlos always felt obligated to attend them, even if it meant they had to sit through almost two hours with three young children.

Ruthie had never been to a Catholic Mass before that Easter, and she had to say it was _different_. From the minute they entered the church, a strong nauseating smell trickled up her nostrils. _"What is that smell?" _she had gasped, barely being able to breathe.

"_It's incense," _Carlos had simply replied as he dipped his fingers into a small bowl that hung by the door when they entered.

"_Don't worry, you'll get used to it," _Mary had gently laughed. _"I had the same reaction when I first smelt it." _Ruthie had blankly stared at her older sister; she was thinking that she would never get used it, and she hoped that she would never have to come back to that church.

Throughout the whole Mass, Ruthie couldn't help but feel eyes staring at her. Were they looking at her because she was pregnant? Was she really showing that noticeably? Ruthie found herself staring down at her bulging stomach. She couldn't help but be self-conscious. It was New York City; surely they had new members in the congregation regularly. Why would they pick her to stare at? Or maybe she was just imagining it, though she doubted that.

Aside from the water when they entered the church, the incense, and then Carlos kneeling when they entered the pews, Ruthie noticed many more differences between the way she had grown up and the Catholic faith. Instead of the Minister – or Priest as they called him – just walking up alone, he was accompanied by four children who couldn't have been older than twelve. When they all stopped at the Alter, they all kneeled at the same time. Their eyes were aimed at the large Cross in the center of the Church. On the cross was a figure of Jesus; like he would have looked when he was crucified.

The choir stopped singing, and the Priest said, "In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit." As he said that, he moved his hands in the form of a cross, and Ruthie also watched Carlos and the rest of the congregation make the Sign of the Cross on their foreheads. She shrugged, thinking how strange and comfortable she felt. Here she was, in a foreign church, and she knew none of their customs. When she looked at Mary, she seemed to just go with the flow and the motions. What Carlos did, she did. Then she looked down at little Charlie, who also followed his father's motions with glee. When they stood, he stood. When they kneeled, he kneeled. Ruthie remained put, sitting next to Crissy and Jenny who were doodling in a coloring book Mary had provided for them.

She had to admit that their form of Communion was the strangest. Carlos was the only one of them who was able to take Communion. The girls were too young, and since Mary and Ruthie were not Catholic, they were unable to take it. Ruthie watched them bless the bread and wine – calling it the "Body" and the "Blood." She found her eyes queerly looking between the Priest and her sister. Mary just shrugged, as if it weren't a big deal. _Are these people mad? _Ruthie had thought.

After the longest and probably most ridiculous Church service of her life, Ruthie had returned to Mary and Carlos's apartment. She was exhausted and officially understood why Mary and Carlos only went on specific holidays. Whenever they went to church again, she had no intentions of going along with them. On Palm Sunday Carlos had gone alone with Charlie. Charlie seemed to enjoy it, but he was just a kid and knew no different.

Just as she was heading for her bedroom to take a nap, she heard the answering machine beeping. "Are you going to get that?" she had asked Mary.

Mary had shrugged. "Be my guest. It's probably Lucy bitching at us for not coming to Glen Oak." Ruthie had sighed, rolling her eyes, and hit the _Play _button on the answering machine.

"_Okay, really funny, I know you're there Mary. But of course you're not answering because it's me. I told Matt you wouldn't answer me when I called. Anyway, I'm not calling for what you think I am. Matt wanted me to call you and let you know that Sarah went into labor this morning…he would've called himself, but well, you know how that goes…if you won't talk to me, give him a call—though I'm not sure he'll be able to answer you." _Lucy's voice rattled; and Ruthie's heart dropped with excitement and shock as she had turned to Mary.

"Holy," Mary had gasped. "That bitch."

"You're referring to your sister Lucy, I'm assuming?" Carlos asked as set Crissy into the playpen to join her sister. Afterward, he moved closer to his wife with a face full of concern.

"Yes, Lucy," Mary rolled her eyes. "Why does she always have to be so quick to judge?" She curled her lip, seemingly seeking Carlos's sympathy.

"Because she's Lucy," Ruthie mumbled, rolling her own eyes. Mary and Carlos both stared at her and nodded their heads. "But didn't you hear? Sarah's gone into labor. Maybe she's had the baby! Wow, and on Easter. What a day to be born. You should call Matt!"

Mary immediately picked up the phone and started dialing. She placed it on speaker so they could all hear what was being said. But all they heard was Matt's answering machine. _"Hello, you've reached Matt Camden. I'm probably in the middle of a delivery right now. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible." _

"Hey, it's your sister… Mary…I got Lucy's message; uh, let her know that I wasn't avoiding her. I was at Mass with Carlos, Ruthie, and the kids. Anyway, give us a call when the baby's born! Congrats!" She clicked off of the phone and shrugged toward Carlos and Ruthie. And just moments later, the phone began ringing again. Mary quickly pressed _Talk_. "Hello?"

"We have a baby boy!" Matt's ecstatic voice echoed through the speaker. Ruthie felt her face light up with excitement for her brother, sister-in-law, and new nephew. "Eight pounds, three ounces; dark brown hair and brown eyes; born at eight-eleven this morning! It really has been a magical Easter – even though it's not a holiday for Sarah and her family—I can still say: Thank you, Jesus." Ruthie made a quick glance at the clock, realizing it was eleven-fifteen. The baby boy had been born only four minutes ago and at eleven-eleven Eastern Time.

"Praise the Lord," Mary said aloud, and Carlos repeated her.

"What is his name?" were the first words out of Ruthie's mouth; and she knew she said it loud enough for Matt to be able to hear her.

"Yeah, what did you name him?" Mary repeated anyway.

There was a pause, and finally Matt answered, "His name is Joshua Eric Camden. Joshua was Sarah's uncle who died in childhood, and we couldn't have another son without honoring Dad in some way." Ruthie eyeballed Mary, who was nodding. They both had to have known that their father would work his way into Matt and Sarah's third son. Then Matt added quickly, "Hey, just so you know, I'm sending some pictures to Facebook from my phone, if you all want to go on and see them."

For the upcoming months, Facebook would become Ruthie's only resource for seeing pictures of little Joshua. He was absolutely adorable. In July, after the twins' second birthday; and Josh was three months old, Matt and Sarah had gotten family pictures with all three of the boys. They were an adorable family, and Ruthie was happy for them. She could only dream of having the family that Matt and Sarah had. From the pictures, they looked so happy. Of course, Ruthie of all people knew, pictures could be deceiving.

Some way, Ruthie had managed to keep her secret from Mary. She had passed the thirty-two week mark and was huge. Mary would tease her by saying, "Are you sure you're not following the twin tradition?" Ruthie would laugh it off, just like that.

At week eighteen she had the opportunity to find out the genders, which she had passed up on. She wanted it to be a surprise, and that was exactly what she had told Mary when she pestered her. If she didn't know, then she had something to…look forward to, since she dreaded the pain she knew she was going to endure. Secretly, Ruthie wanted at least one little girl. Though, she would be okay with boys too. A boy and a girl would be perfect – but were the odds? Fraternal boy and girl twins seemed to be hard to come by in their family. For some reason, everyone in their family had same-gendered twins.

With each week that passed, the lazier Ruthie found herself becoming. She dreaded getting out of bed. Even though Mary had originally insisted she get a job, she hadn't. In fact, she had ended up doing just what she had done for Simon and Cecilia: baby-sitting. Mary had pulled Crissy and Jenny out of daycare and they were now staying home with Ruthie. Ruthie knew it was to save her money, but Mary insisted that it was _practice _for Ruthie. Or maybe, Ruthie had considered, Mary was trying to convince her to give the babies up for adoption.

Nothing Mary could say or do would convince her to do that. When she had decided against abortion, Ruthie had known it wasn't going to be an easy road. She had been there when her mother had had the twins; through Lucy, Cecilia, and Sarah's pregnancies. She knew having a baby wasn't a game; it wasn't an even remotely easy task. A lot of teenagers Ruthie had known got pregnant on purpose. When she asked them why, they would reply, _"Oh, babies are so cute, aren't they?" _or _"I wanted somebody to love me…" _She had always thought those teenagers were foolish. Having grown up in a family of seven children, Ruthie knew that babies weren't just cute, and she most certainly knew that babies didn't love anybody. Yet, she had messed up. She always messed up.

With each passing day the movement she felt inside of her belly got stronger. She now understood what her sisters and mother before her had described. They liked to kick into her ribs, which was excruciating. With the babies laying on her bladder she had to pee constantly; and it was a pain. On top of her it all, she thought her backbone was going to snap in two. In order to reduce the pain, she found herself locking herself along with Crissy and Jenny inside the small bedroom. She would lie down on the bed and watch the two-year-olds play. The girls were surprisingly content for their age. Ruthie could only hope her children would be content.

One afternoon, after Mary was already home, she sat in her bedroom alone staring at her computer. She had just hit week thirty-four, and felt as if she could explode. Ruthie was aware that it wasn't uncommon for twins to come earlier, and Dr. Reynolds had mentioned it. Dr. Reynolds had also mentioned due to her good health, there was a chance she could make it to full term. Ruthie would just as soon get it over with, and she was already six weeks further along than when Lucy had had Bekah. But Bekah had barely survived. Ruthie didn't know much about pre-term babies, and how soon was too soon. She also didn't know what kinds of problems her niece would have when she was older, but she was sure she would have some. Ruthie remembered Kevin mentioning something about her eyes.

Ruthie sighed, miserably staring at her own Facebook profile. For the last eight months she had only used Facebook for socializing inside her family. Though, she still had some of her old friends on list; Martin and Mac to name a few. Just because of them, well, and the fact that she didn't want people knowing her business, she hadn't posted a status update since December. With watery eyes, she stared at her last status update. _"Is heading back to Glen Oak for Christmas…yay? Is gonna be missing London!" _Life had sure been different back then; she had been so careless. Maybe, she figured, if she hadn't been so careless, she wouldn't have ever gotten in her current situation.

Practically at the same time, out of the blue, two friend request alerts came up. She rolled her mouse over to her friends request tab to see who they were. _"Roxanne Hampton wants to be friends," _read the first one. _Really, Roxanne, _Ruthie thought and accepted her. She suddenly remembered that Roxanne and Chandler were expecting. With all that had been happening around her own life, she had forgotten. Before stalking on Roxanne's profile, Ruthie scrolled down to see that the second request was who she had least expected. Well, who she had second to least expected.

"_Kevin Kinkirk wants to be friends," _read across her screen, and almost caused her to go into a paralyzed shock. _Lucy's going to kill him! _Her thought screamed, as she trembled to accept him. Only seconds after accepting him, she clicked on the Facebook chat icon. Sure enough, he was online. She clicked on his name and rapidly typed: _"Are you NUTS? Lucy's going to kill you!" _

She didn't have to wait long for a reply. Her chat ticked and the message read: _"She won't kill me she loves me." _Then a few seconds later: _"And besides, what she doesn't know won't kill her, and it's not like she's going to be searching for me on here; you see, that would make her a hypocrite." _And right after that: _"And hello to you too. How's it going?" _

Was Kevin blind? Lucy was a total hypocrite. Telling him she was all right would be lying. So she typed_, "I'm coping."_ She found it fishy that Roxanne and Kevin had requested her within only seconds of each other. Inquiringly, she typed: _"So…are you with Roxanne right now? Since she requested me too…" _

A few moments later, she read his reply_, "Yeah…well, I went back on the force yesterday. There's been a shortage of police officers, and Roxanne's on desk duty now until the baby's born then she's taking two months maternity leave. She told me I had to get back on Facebook… then I mentioned that you were on here, and said Lucy was always complaining that she didn't get to keep in touch with you and Mary more. I said if she used FB she could easier." _ Yeah, that was just what she needed, Lucy breathing down her throat on Facebook. It would never happen; Lucy was about as anti-Facebook as she was anti-premarital sex.

Ruthie's mind drifted away from her conversation with Kevin. The nice thing about socializing over the internet was if she wanted to avoid a conversation, she easily could. She looked at her refresh stream on the main page. Something caught her eye: "_Mary Camden-Rivera is now friends with Frankie Leigh." _She stared blankly at the name for a few minutes trying to think of who her sister's newest friend was. The name sounded familiar, but she couldn't place her finger on it. She gently rolled her laptop's mouse over to the name and tightly clicked on it. To her delight, Frankie's biography and wall was open. Even though Ruthie thought people were stupid for leaving their information open for the whole world to see, she was grateful when they did. After all, it made for some nice stalking technique.

"_Bio: My name's Frankie. I prefer not to be judged based on my past, because that's not me anymore. I'm no longer an eighteen year old puke. I've moved on with my life. I'm now twenty-six years old, working in real-estate, and the proud mother of my nine-year-old daughter, Mercy. She is the light of my life and without her I wouldn't have a reason to live. I sobered up for her, and I'm glad I did. My goal is to give her the life I never had. If you have any other questions, just ask…!" _

_Frankie, that's it! _Ruthie suddenly remembered_, Frankie and Johnny. _They had been friends of Mary back during her rebel phase. Ruthie remembered their father telling Mary that he didn't want her hanging out with them. Though, from the sounds of it, Frankie had gotten her life back on track.

Ruthie dragged her mouse over to Frankie's wall tab. The first note that popped up read: _Frankie wrote on Mary Camden-Rivera's wall. _Ruthie's eyes widened_, Did she now? _Quickly, she clicked on her sister's name to read what Frankie had said.

_Hey Mary! I'm so glad you accepted me…I feel awful for what happened between us. Anyway, how are you doing? I saw the pictures of your kids and they are adorable! I'd love to see you sometime…if you want to see me, that is. I'm living in Glen Oak...Johnny's in prison upstate…send me a message? _

The option to "_See Wall to Wall_" had appeared; which meant Mary had replied. Anxiously, Ruthie pressed on the button see what her sister had said. _"Hi there, it's so nice to hear from you…I'm glad you've got your life back on track. :] I'd love to meet up with you…whenever we're in Glen Oak again…but who knows when that'll be. Hey here's my #: 212-555-1242, give me a ring and I'll call you when we're coming that way, k?"_ Just as she finished reading, the phone started to ring. Without moving, figuring Mary would get it, she read the time-stamp: _sent one minute ago. _That meant Mary had just been online.

All of a sudden, the door barged open. Mary stood before her with Crissy in one arm and the phone up to her ear. "Ruthie, what are you doing?" she inquired, and Ruthie quickly minimized the tab.

"Nothing," Ruthie quickly rushed, dawdling a finger through her grimy greasy hair; she didn't need Mary to see that she was stalking her.

"Oh, well, I'm talking to an old friend on the phone…I don't suppose you could watch the kids for me, could you?" Mary asked, almost demandingly.

"Sure…you're talking to Frankie?" she asked without thinking.

Mary raised an eyebrow and inquired, "Yeah…but how did you know that?"

"Well," Ruthie said quietly. "When you post your information all over Facebook, let's just say, it's kind of hard to miss." She winked at her older sister whose eyes were wide open. Ruthie quickly closed down her laptop and shut the lid. Then she forced herself off of the bed. The minute her feet touched the floor she could feel her and the babies' weight straining on her ankles. Her back crunched as she took the two-year-old from Mary's arms and headed out into the living room.

She set Crissy down right outside of the room. The twins had become too heavy for her to carry; the added thirty pounds each was just too much. "Let play!" Crissy giggled as she tugged on Ruthie's hand. Ruthie slouched as she tried to chase after her niece. With the pain in her back, she just couldn't keep up the little little energetic toddler.

In the living room, Charlie was helping Jenny build with Lego's. "We building a tower!" the four-year-old chirped. "Like the _I Fall_ Tower!" Ruthie smiled weakly at the boy's interpretation of the Eiffel Tower. Crissy joined her brother and sister. Ruthie took a seat on the couch and watched her nieces and nephew build.

"It's…beautiful," she smiled at the children.

"Auntie Ru, I have a question," Charlie stated as his eyes twinkled toward her.

"What's that?" she asked the little boy, aiming her eyes down at the little boy.

"Why do they call it the I Fall Tower?" he questioned, looking away from tall tower he had been working on. It started to bend to the right.

"Chawie! It gonna fall!" Jenny cried; tears had begun rolling out of her eyes, before Ruthie could answer, and began tugging at her older brother's arm. Charlie instantly looked away from Ruthie and took a look at the tower. His mouth dropped open as he dove to save the tower, but it had already crumbled.

"Well, Charlie, that's why they call it the _I Fall_ tower," Ruthie grinned and looked into the little boy's big curious green eyes. "If you don't hold onto it tight, it will fall down."

"Oh! That make sense!" the four-year-old cried and smiled widely as he went to comfort his tearful sister. "Don't cry, Jenny! I build it again and I hold onto it! It won't fall again. I promise!" He gave his sobbing sister a hug, and immediately following began building it again. Jenny's face brightened up as she started to help her brother.

Crissy, on the other hand, seemed to have no interest in re-building the _I Fall _tower. Her focus had directed elsewhere; at her favorite stuffed animal who she called_, "Mr. Tibbles." _Mr. Tibbles was a gray and white cat. And since pets weren't allowed in the apartment, Mr. Tibbles was the closest any of the children could possibly have to a pet. Ruthie couldn't help but notice how Crissy was more independent than Jenny. Jenny was always right there, wanting to play with her big brother. Crissy, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy playing alone. Maybe that would change as they got older; who knew what they would become when they grew up.

From the time she could talk, Simon had told her that Ruthie had followed him around like a hawk. He said that she had always relied on her family members to entertain her. But as she grew older, that changed. After the twins were born, though, everything seemed to change. She no longer had her mother's undying attention. It was difficult to cope with at first, but as time passed, she learned to accept it. She learned to entertain herself. By the time she was in high school, her mother had indicated she was more independent than either of her sisters. That she didn't need a man to take care of her like they had. And Ruthie had come to the conclusion that her mother was right. While her mother could have never predicted that she would be eighteen, unwed, and pregnant; she was right about one thing. She didn't need a man to take care of her; she didn't need a man to take care of her children; she could do it _all _on her own. Or so she thought.

Abruptly, the phone began ringing again. That must have meant that Mary had hung up with Frankie. Before the phone could ring a second time, it stopped. Ruthie could hear her sister's voice from the hall way. "I'm so glad you returned my phone call…oh wow! That was fast, I didn't expect…that…sure, come on by. I'm so glad that you're here…she really does need to talk to you. Given her situation and all….whether she likes it or not."

_She really does need to talk to you, _Ruthie thought. _Given her situation and all… whether she likes it or not. _Who was on the phone? Ruthie knew that her sister was referring to her; but who? What were they going to say to her? Ruthie looked downward; her feet were blocked by her exploding round gut. A stream of sweat began to come from her forehead. _What does Mary have up her sleeve now? _Her thoughts were intruded with a strong, exasperating kick.

* * *

**Author's Note: **And another chapter down. Who could have guessed that I was going to pull out forty chapters in this story? I leave a week from today and I'm going to try and get as close to the end as I can. I'm going to guess there are at least ten chapters left. (Wouldn't it be great to end on nifty fifty?) Knowing me, it'll probably be fort-nine or fifty-one. I just let my fingers do the typing and end when I feel it's appropriate. :] But after September sixth, I can't possibly predict how long it will take me to update.

Oh, and we're now at the beginning of what would be season thirteen; in case I've lost anyone...


	41. Reckless

Outside Heaven

Chapter 41

Reckless

She repositioned herself on the couch, trying to find search for an unavailable comfortable spot. Seconds later she watched her sister enter the room. "Who was that?" she immediately asked her eldest sister. With the phone still in her hand, Mary crossed folded her arms and shrugged as she made her way across the room to the couch where Ruthie sat. "So?" Ruthie persisted again.

"It was just a friend," Mary replied simply, but Ruthie knew better. She watched her sister grab Crissy and, with her daughter her arms, take a seat next to Ruthie. Ruthie rested her hands on her swollen belly and felt a light kick in her ribs causing her to grunt. "Are you okay?" Mary observed Ruthie's grunt.

"I'm fine," Ruthie rolled her eyes as she slid herself off of the couch. She placed her hands on her hips, with her fingernails clawing against her shirt—previously worn by Mary when she was pregnant; Mary had passed down all of her maternity clothes to Ruthie, insisting she was done having children. She turned towards her sister, staring her down. "Tell me who was on the phone. I heard you tell them to come over, and that I needed to talk to them considering my _situation_."

Mary raised her eyebrows and gave her content daughter a hug. "I don't recall saying _you _needed to talk to—."

"—oh please," Ruthie cut in with her hands still on her hips. She lifted her nose up high and snarled**,** "But you implied it. I mean, who else could you be talking about? I might look stupid, I mean, obviously I am…but seriously, Mary?" She glared into Mary's eyes; then stared down at her own round stomach.

She watched her sister shrug and shake her head. "Ruthie, what I told you the first time was the truth. It was a friend, an old friend of mine who knows very well what you are going through and what you will be going through…" Instantly, Ruthie knew who Mary was talking about. Then, two possibilities came to mind. _Wilson and Corey, _she thought_, but they were both still in high school when their children were born. _

"I don't want to talk to Wilson or Corey," Ruthie flatly told her sister. "I don't want to talk to anyone. I am eighteen years old, a grown adult, and fully capable of taking care of my children!" She stormed out of the room, and walked as fast as she could to her bedroom and slammed the door. It wasn't until she was lying on her bed that she realized she had said _children_.

Only moments later she heard a light knock on the door. "Ruthie? Please, let me come in…"

"Go away!" Ruthie screamed, but she saw the doorknob turn, which meant Mary hadn't respected her wishes. She grabbed one of the pillows on her bed and clenched onto its softness tightly. Tears started to purge out of her eyes in sobbing buckets. She breathed heavily into the pillow.

"Ruthie," Mary said quietly as she entered the room.

"What don't you understand about _'Go away'_?" Ruthie rolled her eyes. "What about the kids? You just left the three kids alone in the living room, and you want to deem me as a bad mother!"

"I never said you were going to be a bad mother," Mary said as she sat down next to her on the bed. She stretched her arm out to wrap it around Ruthie, but Ruthie jerked away. Mary nodded, sighing, "Okay. I get it. You don't want to hear it. I was just like that at eighteen…"

"You weren't pregnant," Ruthie stated the obvious. "You don't know what I'm going for. So, for Pete's sake, can you stop pretending that you do? There's a difference between what you did and having a baby."

"You're right," Mary said, sighing. "But that's why you should talk to someone who _did _go through what you're going through. Someone who got past it and succeeded; Wilson and Corey are perfect examples of teenaged parents who didn't let that slow them down. I think talking to them will make you feel better."

"Well," Ruthie mumbled. "I really don't care what you think."

Mary shrugged, "Well, either way, Wilson and Corey are in New York with their kids and they will be here any minute, and if you want to continue living here, Ruthie, you'll be decent to them."

Ruthie raised an eyebrow. That was the first time Mary had ever threatened to ship her off. _Where would I go? _Ruthie pondered, realizing that with the new baby and all, Matt and Sarah didn't have the room. Even though Lucy had been nice to her face, she still had the feeling her typical opinionated sister was still talking smack about her behind her back. She wouldn't feel comfortable in that house; and there was no way she could just go crawl back to Simon and Cecilia. While they might accept her, she would just feel wrong about it.

Where else was there? It was the first time Ruthie realized that she couldn't live with Mary forever. Mary and Carlos had a three bedroom apartment. The twins and Charlie were sharing a room now that Ruthie was staying with them. It was apparent to her that she was taking up space, but Mary had been aware of the room-issue when she had offered her to stay with them. It wasn't like _that _was that big of a deal. But as her children grew, the more space they needed. And there was no way that the apartment had the space for _two _more babies.

Her heart ached when she realized that she would have to move and didn't have a designated place to go. _Get a job, _Ruthie's head pounded. Even if she got a job, surely it would only be minimum wage. How could she afford to put her children daycare _and _support their living expenses? It was like a big rock had just landed on her head. _Maybe I should have thought about this before…_

Ruthie's head ached with that rock. "Ruthie, are you okay?" Mary had noticed Ruthie's disorientated state.

She blinked a few times and nodded, "Yeah…fine…whatever. I'll talk to them."

Mary gave her a smile, "Good." She leaned over to push off of the bed and then turned, giving Ruthie a queer look, and said, "Did you say…_children_?" She raised her brows as she continued to gape strangely at her.

The blood in her head began to pump hard as her heart raced. She felt a trickle of sweat drip down her forehead as she searched for an explanation. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Yeah, present and future," she rolled her eyes.

Mary gave her another strange look, shrugged it off, and turned around leaving Ruthie to herself. _Well, that was close, _she thought as she clenched tighter onto her pillow. She breathed in and out in a rhythm as she tried to get her anxiety to calm down.

About twenty minutes passed before she heard a knock on the front door. Instead of jumping up and dashing for the door, she stayed put. She could hear voices travel through the hallway; familiar ones, even though she could not make out what they were saying. Her eyes traveled to the window; the sun was lowering, but it was still bright as day. The days were beginning to get shorter as fall was approaching. It had been the most miserable summer of her life; and to even think she had thought the summer before had been a bad one. Then again, she had spent part of it in a coma…if that counted for anything. Despite how bad the summer of 2007 had been, she would always deem the summer of 2008 as worse.

She remembered how she always used to look forward to summer when she was kid. Back when she and Simon were little, they would ride their bikes around Glen Oak all summer long. Then, at night, they would stay up late with their older siblings, sharing many laughs. She couldn't remember what they would laugh about, but she could remember being so wound that she couldn't get to sleep. Then, morning would come. Every morning in the summer, except for Saturday, her mother would have a warm cooked meal prepared for them sitting on the table. She used to love waking up to the smell of bacon and eggs. Nothing beat waking up to the smell of a home cooked breakfast.

Mary rarely cooked. It wasn't because she didn't know how to, because having grown up in the Camden house, Ruthie didn't know how she couldn't. It was more like she didn't want to. There were hardly any ingredients in the house. Mary opted to live out of boxes. On occasion, when Carlos took the night off, he would cook them an original Mexican dinner. His cooking was irresistible, and she wished he would cook more often.

When Lucy was pregnant, Ruthie could remember when Kevin would run out in the middle of the night to get whatever she wanted. That was one luxury of having a husband when you were pregnant, Ruthie guessed. The more and more she looked at it, the more she understood why babies were meant for married couples, not single women.

Mary had started coaching the high school Girls' basketball team, and even though it was summer she had begun holding practices – well, "Open Gyms." They were only for a couple hours each day, and during those hours Ruthie was responsible for the kids. It wasn't like the minded it; not at all. She had become accustomed to baby-sitting, and if that was all she did for the rest of her life she would be happy with it.

So what made her summer so bad? She had come to the conclusion it was the lack of family surrounding her. Another thing weighed in, making life as she knew it difficult to cope with: her mother was still in a coma, and odds were would not be waking up. They didn't talk about it much, and so far none of her long distant relatives had brought it up. It was like they were all avoiding the subject on purpose.

Needless to say, New York didn't make her happy. She had decided that she didn't like living in the big city. Often she found herself lying alone in her bed, sobbing, and wishing she could just go back to Glen Oak. But if she did, she knew she would have to face Peter and Martin. Sometimes thinking about that didn't sound so bad, but the rest of the time it sounded like the end of the world. She just couldn't make up her mind.

"Ruthie?" her sister's voice called her name.

_Ugh, here goes nothing, _she thought as she slid off of her bed and waddled across the room and opened the bedroom door to walk down the hallway. When she got to the hallway, she saw Wilson, Corey, and their four children. The two toddlers were on the floor already getting acquainted with Charlie, Jenny, and Crissy. It was evident that they were a little older than the girls, but not by far. Ruthie could guess about two months.

Bernadette and Billy had taken seats on the couch. The two already looked bored to death. Bernadette looked up at Ruthie and said, "So, you're going to have a baby like my mom had me?"

Ruthie curled her lip, not knowing how to respond to that. Mary seemed to notice her tension. She turned to Bernadette and Billy; in a perky voice she grinned, "So, who wants to play a board game?"

Bernadette and Billy turned to each other and shrugged. "Sure," they both said at the same time. The kids followed after Mary and Ruthie heard one of them say, "I'm going to be twelve on this upcoming Wednesday!" Ruthie figured that would be Billy; she remembered that Billy and Bernadette were about a year apart. Ruthie could remember when Mary first met Wilson. She had taken Ruthie to the park and they had both thought that Billy was Wilson's little brother. Ruthie could vaguely remember playing with Billy. He had only been about nine months old then.

For the following moments Ruthie awkwardly stared at Wilson and Corey. After all, they were Mary's friends. Ruthie had seen them come in and out of her house on several occasions when she was growing up; particularly Wilson, a man Mary had almost married. Ruthie had always liked Wilson when she was young, but she had always felt for Billy. At a young age, Ruthie had known that what Mary had done to Billy wasn't a good thing. No child deserved to be confused over who their parent was. _And yet she says it doesn't matter who the parent is, all that matters is who takes care of the child. _But what if it did matter? Obviously, in Billy's case, his mother was dead. That was different. _Peter and Martin aren't dead_.

"Ruthie, I can't believe you're all grown up," Wilson finally said. "It seems just like yesterday you and Billy were playing at the park."

Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Let's just get this over with. What do you have to say to me? I mean, what could you honestly tell me that I haven't already heard? I mean, I've had this shoved down my throat for how long?"

Wilson and Corey looked at each other and frowned. "Ruthie," Corey said quietly. "Wilson and I both counsel young mothers at a local support group in Buffalo…Mary called us because she knows we both have more than enough experience with this. And it's not just mothers still in high school we talk to. We talk to a lot of unwed mothers who are under the age of twenty-one."

Frowning, Wilson eyeballed his children and turned to his wife, "Maybe we could take this somewhere private; away from the children?"

Ruthie shrugged. "There's my room." She pointed through the hallway. Corey and Wilson nodded, agreeing that would be a better place to continue their conversation. She yawned and led Wilson and Corey into her room. A feeling of dread traveled through her veins.

She sat down on her bed, and Wilson and Corey did the same. "Ruthie," Corey started, "I was four years younger than you when I had Bernie…and you're right, there's a big difference between fourteen and eighteen. But believe me, there is a bigger difference between eighteen and twenty-two."

Ruthie felt water filling in her eyes as she searched for words. "If you could go back," she whispered, "would you do things differently?"

Corey closed her eyes. "That's a question I get asked a lot…and it's not one I really have an answer for. I can't imagine the world without Bernadette. I don't think I could have done things differently. The last thirteen years haven't been the easiest, by no means. But, honestly, I don't think so. Sometimes I imagine how different my life would be without her, and even if it would be easier, I would have missed out on so much…" She sighed and shook her head, "That doesn't mean I'm saying that it was an easy road, because believe me, at least over the first few years, it was a lot more sorrow than joy."

"That is sure real encouraging," Ruthie mumbled, "but I already knew that."

Wilson gently grabbed Corey's hand and smiled, "We were both so lucky to have loving families to help us get through it. I know I would have never gotten by without my parents."

"Same," Corey agreed and turned to Ruthie, "and you're lucky to have so many siblings who care about you…I know Mary would do anything to help you."

_Anything, right_, Ruthie pondered. "I can't stay here forever," Ruthie murmured. "It's already crowded with the three kids…" She looked over at the wall, then back at Corey as she hesitantly thought her next question. "What ever happened to Bernadette's father?" she suddenly asked.

Corey blushed, making Ruthie feel guilty for asking the question. It was a personal one, but given Ruthie's current situation, she couldn't help but ask. She wanted to know, as she couldn't recall Corey ever mentioning him. "I never told him I was pregnant. Still to this day he doesn't know she exists." Corey mouthed. "I was on vacation with my family over Christmas break at my grandparents'…and well, you know the rest." _More than you can imagine, _Ruthie raised her eyebrows.

As Ruthie looked away, the phone started ringing. She shook her head, "I'm sure Mary will get that." Just as she finished speaking, the phone stopped ringing. "Yeah…" she murmured, and couldn't help but feel awkward.

"Do you have any questions?" Wilson asked. "Everything you tell us is confidential. We won't go ratting to Mary or anyone else."

"Yeah…" Ruthie trailed, as she contemplated. "What would you have done if you had nobody? What if your parents had disowned you; if you had no family to take you in; then what?"

Wilson nodded as he met eyes with his eyes. "I've met a lot of mothers who have gone that route," he admitted. "And they have gotten by making ends meet. It's not the life I would wish upon anyone…and I'm sure had that happened to me, I would have done the same. Of course, I wouldn't have the luxuries that we are blessed with now…" he wrapped his right arm around Corey's waist. "But I can't say how lucky I am to have found Corey…sometimes I…"

"…Wish you would have met her instead of Mary?" Ruthie finished without thinking.

He dropped his jaw at Ruthie's statement; she wasn't sure if it were because he hadn't seen it coming, or because that was exactly what he was thinking. She had a feeling it was the second one. It had to have been what he was thinking, and truly, she couldn't blame him. In a way, Wilson and Corey were the perfect couple. They had both had similar experiences which brought them to who they were now.

Before anyone could say another word, the door crept open and Mary stood there empty handed. Her eyes were struck with grog as she recklessly aimed her eyes at Ruthie. "Ruthie," she whispered dryly. "Pack your things. We have to catch a flight to Glen Oak…now."

_Pack your things. We have to catch a flight to Glen Oak…now. _Were those Mary's words? They could not have been. Could they have? Did her ears need cleaning out? That didn't sound like the sister she knew. But that was what she had heard, and Ruthie knew it. She also knew that something was horribly wrong in order for Mary to want to catch a flight to Glen Oak right then and there.

* * *

**Author's Note –**

I apologize for its shortness, but I really wanted to get this out. It's a little rushed, but I'm so anxious to get to the next part of the story. And it's practically midnight as I'm preparing this, so I'll apologize for any errors in this. Point them out and I'll fix them, or I'll read it over when I have the time and fix them eventually. (Didn't have time to proof read :()

I leave at six in the morning on Labor Day for college (also known as: tomorrow). Thus, I don't know when the next update will be. Since I'm looking forward to it, hopefully when I do get the time, I'll be able to write it with passion. (That's why I wanted to get this done!)

Also, I'm sorry for the cliffhanger.


	42. Bit by Bit

Outside Heaven

Chapter 42

Bit by Bit

Dark chills rushed through Ruthie's veins as she looked into her sister's dimmed shallow eyes. Who had been on the phone? What could they have possibly said to make Mary want to rush back to Glen Oak? Was it even safe for Ruthie to be on a plane? Here she was, thirty-four weeks pregnant, and with twins. "Can I even fly?" were her first words.

Mary shrugged and replied, "I flew with Charlie until I was thirty-six weeks. So, I don't see why not." That was right, Ruthie remembered, back then Mary had been a flight attendant. She, of all people, knew about the 'flying' rules when it came to pregnancy. Mary shifted her shoulders, stretching them behind her back. She lifted her brow in a suspicious manner and then stated, "Of course, with the twins I was only allowed to fly up until I was twenty-eight weeks along. With multiples, doctors generally like you to stay low." Mary placed her hands on her hips and eyeballed Ruthie.

She tilted her head, avoiding eye contact with her older sister. Her heart started to thud. _She doesn't know anything,_ Ruthie assured herself_, she's just bluffing. _

Shifting her head back, she made a click glance at her sister. Sighing, she shook her head and waddled over to the closet and grabbed her suitcase. She began stuffing several outfits into it. Since Mary hadn't said how long they would be gone, she packed a week's worth of clothes. A queer sense of déjà vu hit her as she packed. The last time they had a received a phone call dragging her thousands of miles in an airplane, Ruthie had ended up moving. _That's not going to happen this time, _Ruthie assured herself_, whatever is wrong will pass, and then I'll come back to New York, have my babies, and we'll go from there._

Mary had been talking on the phone to Carlos when Ruthie had finished packing. Two duffel bags were sitting by the front door, and the three children were dressed in their fall jackets as they were standing by the door and waiting for their mother.

Wilson, Corey, and their children were all sitting on the living room couch staring at Mary. Wilson's face was somber; Ruthie assumed immediately that he had been let in on what the phone call had been about.

"Aunt Ru, what is wrong?" Charlie asked with his big, adorable bright green eyes gleaming. The little boy gazed his eyes directly into hers and his cheeks were rosy red.

She glanced at her sister, his mother. Mary was rattling off into the phone at a million words a minute; she could barely keep track of her words. "I won't be able to live with myself if I don't go," she heard Mary say rapidly. "And I have to do this by myself, without you. This is _my _family_, my mother_." With those words, Ruthie's stomach muscles tightened and she suddenly felt very nauseous. _This is my family, my mother_. "I haven't been there, I know, but I'm taking the kids and Ruthie…you stay here." Mary rolled her eyes. "I mean it, Carlos. This is something I need to do with my family." Mary's face was flustered red and tears were actually watering up in her eyes. She didn't say anything for the longest time as Carlos was likely rattling off to her. She shook her head and ended with, "This is it." She slammed the phone into the wall and twirled around; her eyes were aimed directly at where Ruthie and the children stood.

"Mommy, why are ya sad?" Charlie asked softly as he walked toward his mother and placed his hand out for her. Mary bent down and set her hand on Charlie's head.

"Don't you worry about it, sweetie," she whispered. Her eyes traveled toward Ruthie, then back to her son. "We're going to go on a little trip to visit your cousins, aunts, and uncles."

Ruthie frowned as she looked at her sister's pale, sad face. "What's going on, Mary?" Ruthie whispered hoarsely.

Mary pushed her hair back and shook her head. "Don't worry about, Ruthie," she said flatly. "Let's just get going. The last flight of the night for Glen Oak leaves in forty-five minutes." Ruthie lifted her eyebrow as she took note to her sister's continued knowledge of flight times. After having worked with the airlines for years, Ruthie had a feeling that would never leave her.

Just then, Wilson stood up and insisted, "We're coming too."

Ruthie lifted her brow, giving him a queer look. Mary had just told her _husband _that he could not come along. She watched Corey's jaw drop at Wilson's words as she clasped her hand over her mouth. "W-We will?" Corey stuttered as she looked back and forth between a pale Mary and her husband.

Mary didn't say anything, but Wilson seemed to take note to the lack of color in her face. He sighed, "Your mother was like a mother to me for years. It's the least I could do." Ruthie's stomach churned as she realized her worst fear was confirmed; this was related to her mother.

"All right," Mary let out a loud sigh. "You can come. But only if it's all right with Corey…"

Corey frowned, shaking her head. "Okay. If it's important to Wilson, and given the situation…maybe you'll need a little support."

Ruthie didn't like listening to the fact that Corey and Wilson knew what was going on and she didn't. She was her sister, and if anyone should be told it was her. Already she knew it was bad; if it weren't Mary would have told her. _She probably thinks I can't handle it because I look like I'm about to pop. _Ruthie frowned, looking down at her growing stomach. She glared at her sister and felt a loud crunch in her ribs. By reflex, she set her hand on her stomach.

Forty-five minutes later, Ruthie was sitting on a plane next to Charlie; Mary and the girls were behind them; and Wilson, Corey, and their children were across the aisle. Even though it was August, still summer, she wore a big heavy coat. In a way, she thought it hid her bump a little. Still, she couldn't help but feel like the people around hr were giving her queer and dirty looks. She had decided they had all of the right to. Here she was; eighteen and pregnant with twins. Of course, nobody knew that last part.

When she closed her eyes blackness filled over. Her head was burning with pain, like it did when she had a bad head cold. Inhaling became a struggle, so she closed her eyes tighter and drifted off.

Four hours later, when she awoke to little hands tugging on her wrists saying, "Wake up, Auntie Ru," she felt as if she had just closed her eyes. She figured she had entered a dreamless sleep.

As she opened her heavy mattered eyes, her surroundings blurred clearer. She fluttered her eyes, blinking repeatedly as she turned her head back and forth. As her vision came back into focus, she turned her head to the right. A small round light tan face was looking up at her with big concerned eyes. She stretched her face muscles widely as she let out a yawn.

She lifted her head and saw Mary standing behind her with the two toddlers in her arms. The surrounding seats were empty; there hadn't been a lot on the flight to begin with. They had left at nine in the evening, Eastern Time. She fiddled in her purse for her cell phone. Pulling it out, she read: _8:07. _Her cell phone had automatically readjusted the time for her.

"We were beginning to wonder if you were going to wake up," Mary murmured without a hint of sarcasm in her voice. Her voice was solid and serious.

She shook her head, not responding to that. As her head circled around the empty plane she realized Wilson, Corey, and their children were gone. "Where are Wilson and Corey?" she choked out; her throat was sore as if her sinuses had been draining down the back of it as she had been sleeping.

"They went to get our suitcases," Mary simply responded. "Now, come on, let's go."

Ruthie frowned as she tried to reach for the chair in front of her. She grasped onto it as she attempted to use it to get out of her chair. Her ankles burned as she went to put her and the babies' weight on them. She pulled herself forward and soon found herself stumbling. As she managed to get herself off of the chair, her head began to spin. She felt as if she were twirling on a merry-go-round. Her surroundings spun faster and faster around her, and she couldn't keep her eyes straight.

"Ruthie? Are you okay?" she heard a voice that echoed three or four times over and over. Her eyes crossed and she felt her hands become clammy and cold. She started to lose her balance and fall back in her chair, but before she could fall she felt a warm hand grab hers. "Ruthie," her sister quickly said as she helped her out of the chair area. "Are you all right?"

She could feel a cold sweat trickling down her cheeks as she started to come to again. Mary still clasped her hand on Ruthie's wrist. In front of her stood: Charlie, Crissy, and Jenny. Charlie was holding on tight to his younger sisters' hands. "Aunt Ru, are you okay?" the little boy cooed.

Ruthie blinked her eyes again and again as she tried to remember where she was and why she was there. _I'm on an airplane and we're in Glen Oak_. As her thought process continued, she thought and thought, and just couldn't remember why she was there. "Why are we here?" she said forth-going.

Mary frowned; her face was burnt red. "Come on, Ruthie. Let's get you off of this plane. I'll explain once we are off, all right?"

Before Ruthie could respond, Mary started to push her toward the plane's exit. Her head still spun a little, but not like it had before. She felt as if she had just gotten off the merry-go-round. Mary gripped onto her hand as she helped her down the stairs of the plane, and continued holding her hand as they walked toward the door that led inside the airport.

It was a warm, brisk August evening in Northern California. In the distance, the sun was beginning to set. The sky was full of gorgeous oranges and purples. Her eyes ached as she strained them to look toward the sun. Dark sun spots floated inside her eyes.

Quickly, she blinked her eyes and looked away from the sun. Her eyes directed straight at the white building ahead of her. The light wind blew in her hair as she walked toward the building. As she suctioned in the fresh air the dizzy spell started to go away. Suddenly, she felt full of energy.

The door was already swung open as they walked through the hallway. Ruthie glanced behind them to make sure that Charlie, Jenny, and Crissy were still there. Charlie still gripped his little sister's hands tightly as they followed behind Mary and Ruthie. Mary seemed to take note to Ruthie's bent head. She turned her head and waved for the children to catch up to them. Charlie ran with his sisters in front of Mary and Ruthie.

"Don't run," Mary instructed her children as she let go of Ruthie's hand and caught up to her children who had run far ahead. Ruthie continued to waddle through the hallway. She saw Mary pick up Jenny, and grab Crissy's little white hand.

They entered the lobby area of the airport. Her heart seemed to stop as she looked over by the bench near the receptionist. It was the same spot she had once sat with her mother as they had awaited for Matt, Mary, and their respective families to come into Glen Oak. She squinted; trying to convince her own self what she saw wasn't so. But it was. Mary had stopped dead in front of her. "Oh shit," Ruthie heard Mary whisper under her breath as they looked ahead.

Just then, Lucy appeared to notice their presence. She pushed herself off of the bench and began waddling toward them. Ruthie, knowing Mary was doing the same, gawked at her sister's round belly. Ruthie's jaw dropped as she searched Lucy's glowing face. Her eyes were bloodshot red; evidence of streams of tears showed on her blushing face.

Soon she stood across from Mary, Ruthie, and the kids. Her eyes aimed downward; and directly at Ruthie. Ruthie blushed as she realized Lucy was looking with wide eyes at her belly. Ruthie's eyes widened also as she looked at her sister's own round belly. "So, you're pregnant," Ruthie stated the obvious, breaking an awkward silence.

Lucy nodded and placed her hand on her own belly. She let out a loud exasperating sigh and said, "Twenty-four weeks…with another girl…Kevin and I didn't want to tell the world, just in case. Simon and the Colonel don't know either - that's actually why I came along, so Simon wouldn't see me...though, he'll find out when we're back, I guess; Matt and Sarah only found out through the hospital." Mary was nodding as Lucy spoke and Lucy's eyes widened. "Y-You knew, didn't you? Who told you?_!_"

Mary grunted as she sighed, "I was talking to Matt shortly after Josh was born…and I inquired if you and Kevin were planning on having any more children. And, well…"

"I am going to kill him!" Lucy spat. "He's a dead man! And he calls himself a doctor. Don't doctors have a code of confidentiality they have to follow? I could get him fired. That's right! Who does he think he is?" Her face was jet red as her eyes wandered around the room, not even setting on Mary or Ruthie.

"Well, Luce," Mary said slowly, "that's why he's your brother, not your doctor."

Lucy stuck her nose up high, not responding to that. "Hmph," she snarled."Whatever."

"Mommy, I'm sleepy," Charlie proclaimed as he tugged on his mom's wrist. Jenny's head rested on her mother's shoulder. Her eyes were closed and she looked as if she were dozing off. Crissy, on the other hand, still stood in between Charlie and her mother. The little girl had dark circles under her little eyes and she looked as if she could pass out at any minute.

"Where are—?" Mary began as her question answered itself when Wilson, Corey, and Matt appeared out of seemingly nowhere. Bernadette and Billy, who were each holding a toddler, were following behind. "There you guys are," Mary raised her eyebrows.

Matt and Wilson were carrying all of the suitcases as they appeared to be showing off. Corey also had a bag around her shoulders. "Ruthie!" Matt set the bundle of suitcases in his arms on the floor and flung his arms around her. She could feel her bump rub against her brother's own hard stomach. Instantaneously, she felt another strong kick to her ribs. She grunted as Matt released her. Her face started to fluster a warm red feeling as her brother backed up. She placed her hands on her hips, and Matt crossed his arms. "You look…good…considering everything." _Considering everything, _Ruthie blushed hotly and rolled her eyes. She couldn't believe her _brother _had just said that; she didn't know how to respond to that.

Lucy was rolling her eyes. "So, I hear you told Mary what Kevin and I _specifically _wanted to be kept quiet until more time had passed. Some doctor you are."

Matt shrugged. "I'm your brother, not your doctor."

Lucy crossed her arms over her bump. "Hmph, you're my brother who happens to be a doctor." She was staring fiendishly toward her oldest brother. On the other hand, Matt shot a shrug toward Wilson and then Mary. His oily face with a stream of sweat dripping from it was full of speechlessness.

"Well," Matt spoke slowly as he walked back toward the suitcases he had dropped. "We should probably get going back to the parsonage…it is getting late and everyone is back there waiting. Simon and Cecilia got in earlier today…you see, Simon and I have been discussing this regularly for the last couple of weeks, and this was pre-planned."

"Wait a minute." Mary raised a finger at Matt. "You _pre-planned _with Simon, but you spring this as a last minute ordeal on me? What is this?"

"Well," Matt said quietly. "To be all honest, I figured you wouldn't want to come anyway." Slowly, he lifted the suitcases as he avoided eye contact with an infuriated Mary. _I figured you wouldn't want to come anyway_. Ruthie's stomach churned as she realized where they were leading; she just knew it, and she hated knowing it.

"What? You thought I wouldn't come back to say goodbye to my own _mother_?" Ruthie's heart dropped as her dreaded fear was turned into a reality. Mary didn't stop there. "Seriously, I mean, I know I didn't come back for Christmas, but that's because I _knew _how you guys would vote, and I knew that if I didn't come back a decision wouldn't be made and thus nothing would happen. Now, of course, it's been a year…and the statue of limitations is up, so it's not like _anyone _has a say." Mary glared at Matt, who was then staring directly at Wilson.

Ruthie's heart started to pound faster and faster; for a minute there she thought it was actually going to pump out of her body. Her eyes directed toward her sister Lucy's face. Lucy's eyes were watered up and she looked like she was about to burst into tears. Ruthie watched Lucy take a deep breath as she seemed to be forcing herself to hold her tears in. Slightly, she nodded. "Don't worry, Mary. They didn't tell me anything…they told Kevin, but not me…they made Kevin tell me; I guess they thought I wouldn't kill him." Lucy through her hands up over her hair as she appeared to be stretching.,

Ruthie felt her mouth curve into a circular shape. "You…uh...didn't. Did you?" she trembled as her eyes traveled around the local vicinity; she suddenly wondered where Kevin was.

Lucy rolled her eyes, with her hands placed solidly on her hips. "Kevin is back at the house with Sarah and the kids, and everyone else who is there." Her eyes aimed directly into Ruthie's, whose eyes were raised high.

"Oh." Ruthie mumbled as she directed her line of sight toward Mary, and then looked at Matt, Wilson, and Corey. "So…who is all at the house?"

Matt let out a sigh and began to rattle off names, "Let's see…when we left it was: Simon, Cecilia, and Madi; Kevin, Savannah, and Bekah; Sarah, Jake, Noah, and Josh." Ruthie smiled to herself as she realized she was finally going to get to meet her nephew whom she had only seen picture of online. "Aunt Julie, Hank, Erica, Nolan, Sam and David; the Hamiltons—," Ruthie's heart leaped and her thoughts ran away from her with Matt's utterance.

"—The Hamiltons are here?" Mary cut in all of a sudden, reading Ruthie's mind. _Are they all here? _She wondered as her stomach did somersaults. Her hand wandered on top of her stomach which felt as if it could explode at any minute. She realized that Lynn and the rest of the Hamiltons were unaware of her current condition. Her Facebook statuses had been very limited over the last eight months. Even though she still had Lynn as a friend, they rarely communicated. Every now and then Lynn would ask her how she was, and she'd reply briefly. Ruthie never went into detail, and she had never told her about what was going on; that she was about to be a mother. Ruthie remembered reading on Lynn's status that she had gotten accepted into the Harvard Pre-Law program. She planned to become a lawyer. Ruthie had congratulated her, but deep inside she couldn't help but feel jealous. Lynn was going to live a successful life, and what sort of life was she going to have? Obviously, it would be the life of a bum teenage mother.

Matt was nodding his head. "They got in earlier today. The whole family came; you know, since Patricia and Morgan were so close to Mom and Dad for so long, it was only right to call them."

"Wait a minute," Mary raised her finger. "You told the _Hamiltons _before you called _me_?" Her fiery eyes were now glaring at Matt with a devilish component to them.

Matt grunted, and before he could say another word, Wilson grabbed his shoulder, "Maybe we should just get heading back to the house. You know, before you force Mary back on a flight to New York."

Mary rolled her eyes. "I flew all of the way out here. I'm _not _going back now." She squished her eyes toward Matt and raised her finger again, "But you and I…we're not done yet." Matt grunted as he turned around, motioning everyone else to follow him. Lucy heaved a deep, loud sigh of annoyance and followed after her older brother. Corey and Wilson turned to each other and soon followed after, their children trotting after them. That left Ruthie with Mary, who stared at each other briefly with their arms crossed, and then started to follow after; Mary was still holding Jenny, and Charlie clenched to his other sister's hand as they tagged along. Ruthie's ankles crunched as she waddled after her siblings. She just wanted to sit down and relax. Her legs and ankles were killing her, and she had an excruciating headache. She decided that she needed to take a nap when she got back. To her dismay, from the sounds of it, there was a full house at the parsonage; and she wasn't looking forward to that.

In the van her eyes drifted shut. She could have easily fallen asleep if Mary hadn't been ranting to Matt about how rude and inconsiderate he had been to call her last. She kept going on and on about how just because she had not been involved in their lives over the last year, didn't mean she didn't care. Time and time again, she reiterated that just because she hadn't come home for Christmas, didn't mean that her thoughts hadn't changed at that point and time. She kept saying that she had _matured _since that previous winter. That now she was a new person; she obviously was, because she had taken her little sister in.

Ruthie's stomach sickened as she listened to Mary's rant. Her eyes had become very heavy; and even though she was in the back and Matt was driving, she could see him simply nodding his head and rolling his eyes through the rear-view mirror. He didn't reply to her, he just let her continue her rant. That was Matt for her. He would let her get it all out; then later, when nobody was around, he would corner her and lecture her. At least that was what Mary had told her that he always did when they were teenagers.

Surprisingly, Lucy – who sat next to her – was biting her tongue. Ruthie could see her gnawing over her lip, as if she were sucking the blood out of it. She didn't speak a word, but her blue eyes continuously rolled up at the ceiling of the car.

As Matt pulled into the driveway, Ruthie noticed an unfamiliar car in the driveway. She noticed immediately that it had Florida license plates. _Who would drive from Florida to California? _She instantly wondered as she scoped through her mind thinking of whom she knew who lived in Florida. Her thoughts stopped on one person. _No, it couldn't be, could it? _She felt a hard crunch in her ribs and clasped her hand over her stomach. Her head spun as she used the little muscles she had left in her arms to open the sliding door. As she pulled, her muscle seemed to weaken, and without her control, her arm collapsed and her body jerked downward as her head crashed against the sliding door's window.

"Ruthie, are you okay?" she picked up Lucy's voice through her dizzy spell.

"Ruthie?" she heard at least two male voices say as she closed her eyes and her surroundings went black. "Ruthie!" her name echoed inside her head as she breathed heavily. Her head throbbed and she struggled to inhale as she searched for air. Nausea swept through her stomach as she felt a dire need to throw up. A cold hand touched her forehead, and that was the last of what she remembered.

The next she knew, she was sitting in the very living room she had sat in on many occasions. Her forehead felt like she had just eaten a big scoop of ice cream. As she lifted her heavy hand and placed it on her forehead, she realized why. A soft icepack had been set on her head. "She's coming to," she heard a familiar deep voice. Slowly, she opened her mattered eyes. The room was blurry, but she knew that many eyes were staring directly at her. Right away, she recognized Matt standing right over her. There was a man standing next to him, and at first she thought she must be hallucinating. _It can't be, _she thought as she looked into his coal black eyes. It was.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Another kind of short chapter, but it's longer than the last one! I'm actually home this weekend, so I'm going to _try _to start on another chapter…it's really irritating me that I can't get further than this with this chapter. For awhile there, I was only getting a couple hundred words done a day. It's definitely a change not having hours and hours to write. :[


	43. Family United

Outside Heaven

Chapter 43

Family United

Her eyes widened as her surroundings melted into her throbbing brain. At first the whole room was nothing but a cloudy blur. She felt like she were in fog. Her heart raced as his coal sincere eyes looked into hers. Not far behind him was another familiar face, his wife. It had been over a year since she had seen them all last. Her eyes wandered looking for their little boy; he had to be there. The last time she had seen him he had only be a couple months old. Now, he would be about fifteen months old.

She knew she wouldn't recognize him even if she saw him. As her eyes wandered and started to wander around the room she saw many familiar faces looking down at her. She first noticed Sarah standing beside Kevin. Standing next to Sarah was Corey, and on Kevin's side was Wilson. Simon and Cecilia were holding hands as they looked at her with sad, concerned eyes. When she looked around, she didn't see any sign of Camden, Madi, Bekah, or the newest addition to the family, Joshua.

As she quickly glanced away from Simon, she noticed Paris and Vic; her heart sunk with their presence. Fortunately, she didn't spot Peter. Behind them she saw a face that made her grunt to herself. Sandy along with her fiancée or husband – whatever he was then – was standing next to her. As her eyes continued to wander, she saw her Aunt Julie, then Lynn standing next to her brothers, parents, sister, brother-in-law, and sister-in-law. Immediately Ruthie took note to Priscilla's small round expectant belly. It was about the same size as Lucy's, but Lucy had always been small during her pregnancies compared to other women.

Due to her eyes drifting, she didn't notice the little body right in front of her. Little cold fingers tugged on her wrist. "Auntie Ruthie, are you all right?" the little girl's voice cooed. Ruthie blinked her eyes several times as her eyes focused in on her near sight. A little girl with short blonde hair, just below her ears, stood in front of Ruthie. Her cold palms were set on Ruthie's clammy hands. The little girl's lip was stuck out as her adorable eyes gazed into her aunt's.

Ruthie didn't respond to the little girl's question. She found herself setting her hand atop her large pumpkin-sized stomach. All of a sudden she felt a sharp pain and she grasped onto her stomach and grunted. Matt grasped her hand, "Ruthie, based on my expertise I think you need to get to the hospital to be checked out."

She shook her head ferociously. "No, I'm fine," she insisted, taking a deep breath. She looked into the little girl's blue eyes whose hand was still set atop her own. Ruthie jerked her hand away from Matt's grasp and set it on her stomach. Her eyes shot downward, where she saw a few more small bodies standing next to Savannah. A small blonde girl, not much shorter than Savannah, was on Savannah's right. She would recognize the little girl's eyes anywhere. She was Emma Petrowski. Next to the little girl was a brown haired toddler. Even though he had grown a lot since she had last seen him, she immediately knew who the little boy was; it was Aaron Brewer.

Her throat clotted as she scoped the little boy out from head to toe. He stood at about Savannah's shoulders. After all, he was a whole year younger than her. His short brown hair was parted neatly in the center of his head. As she searched him from head to toe, she noticed only one aspect of his features that was not comparable to his father's: his eyes. Aaron's eyes were a splitting image of Sandy's. Ruthie let out a sigh of a relief, grateful that she didn't have to look into those eyes when she looked at the little boy. Instead, she was looking into the eyes that had enforced his father to be the way he was in the present time.

On Savannah's other side stood Charlie, Crissy, Jenny, and two twin boys who had noticeably grown since Ruthie had last seen them in person that past January. In a way, they reminded her of Sam and David when they were small. The boys stood a few inches taller than Crissy and Jenny. Ruthie noticed that their hair had darkened, and their curls were absolutely non-existent. That was too bad, because their curls had been adorable. Still, at twenty-five months, the boys were adorable.

Three small darker girls were also a few feet away from the other children. She recognized them as children of the Hamiltons. The tallest was about an inch taller than Charlie. The smallest, and lightest of the girls, was as skinny as a stick and about the same height as Jenny and Crissy.

Across from the couch where Ruthie was lying down sat another expecting mother in the room. She was further along than her, and Ruthie figured she had to be due at any minute. Ruthie remembered that Roxanne and Chandler had announced their pregnancy at Christmas. She couldn't remember if they had said how far along they were. Roxanne's face was glowing as her husband had his hand placed on her shoulder.

After having scoped out the whole room, Ruthie noticed the only other ones missing were: Bernadette, Billy, Sam, and David. Also, she noticed that Jeffrey, Nolan, and Erica were nowhere in sight; that was if they had tagged along with their respective parents.

"God, can you people give me some air?" she coughed out, her throat burned as she felt seemingly dehydrated. She longed for just a sip of water. "I can barely breathe here." She rolled her eyes. She waved her hands, insisting that people shoo. Everyone started to look around at each other. Ruthie couldn't help but notice Kevin glance at Sarah, and then his wife.

Kevin – his face as straight as could be – finally said, "Come on, let's give her some space." Kevin leaped toward Savannah and picked her up. "Let's go into the kitchen, sweetie," he cooed at his three and a half year old daughter.

The little girl stuck her lip out and pouted. "I never get to see Aunt Ruthie," she lifted her fists and rubbed her eyes. Kevin's lips frowned as he looked back at his wife, who shrugged not moving from the place she stood. It was like her feet were stuck to the ground.

Sarah stepped forward, after Kevin, and grabbed both of her sons' hands. She turned back at Lucy and the others, "If Ruthie wants some space; we should give it to her. It's only common courtesy." Kevin started to head toward the kitchen with Savannah; Charlie, without even looking at his mother, followed after with his hands gripping on his sisters'. All of the Hamiltons, except for Lynn, nodded. Keisha, John, and Priscilla each collected their children and started to follow after Sarah and Kevin. Chandler grabbed his wife's hand as he helped her out of the couch. He supported his arm behind her back as they started to travel after the others.

Wilson and Corey also followed after. Ruthie had just realized that Gabriel and Olivia were standing next to their adoptive parents. The two children clung tightly to their parents' legs. Behind them, a nodding Sandy followed the crowd which was traveling toward the kitchen. Ruthie assumed that the smaller children must be upstairs. Perhaps the older children were watching them.

After the crowd had diminished; that left only Matt, Mary, Lucy, Simon, and Cecilia. Cecilia was gripping onto Simon's hand as Ruthie was trying to figure out why she was still there. Kevin and Sarah, her other in-laws, had all left. Why hadn't she? For some reason, that Ruthie couldn't capture, Cecilia seemed to think she was special. Ruthie could remember when Cecilia would cling around the house after Simon had broken up with her. It made her gag. Who did Cecilia think she was?

"What do you people not understand about I want to be left _alone_?" Ruthie grouched and crossed her arms over her stomach. She indented her elbows into her ribs. In return, she felt a sharp kick. She felt her face burn hot, but she tried to not show any emotion. The last thing she wanted to do was show that she was enduring pain.

With all of the strength she had left, she pulled herself out of her lying position and sat up. As she sat, her head began to spin slightly. She felt her eyes boggle in their sockets. Slowly, she inhaled and exhaled as she tried to calm herself.

Matt was frowning as he stared at her. He took a seat on the loveseat across from her and placed his elbows on his legs. "Ruthie," he started. "I can't just leave you here alone. You need medical attention. You are thirty-two weeks pregnant, and you just got off a four hour flight and passed out. Some doctors would say you shouldn't have been flying period. Did you consult your doctor before you left?"

Ruthie curled her lip underneath her teeth and didn't respond. Instead, she looked over at Mary, whose face was burning. Matt noticed where Ruthie's line of vision was, as he turned his head toward Mary. "Okay!" Mary shrieked. "We just left. I didn't see what the big deal was. I flew until I was thirty-four weeks with Charlie."

Her brother was shaking his head slowly, but before he could say anything Lucy had her go, "Well, if anything happens, it's not Mary's fault," she said, and Mary let out a loud gasp with her sister's sticking up for her. "It's yours," she pointed at Matt, then at Simon, "and his. For, it is you two who just _had _to insist on pulling the plug on Mom tomorrow. What the heck were you two thinking?" Matt and Simon looked at each other, but neither said a word.

Cecilia's face had turned as white as a ghost's. Her lips were round like a ball as she said, "I think I'm going to go check on the kids upstairs…" She pressed her lips together as she departed from the living room and raced up the stairs.

A brisk chill crept up Ruthie's skin, creating goose bumps. Matt was still shaking his head. He looked up at Lucy, Simon, and Mary, "It doesn't matter anymore," he said flatly. "We need to act on the present, not the past." He turned to Lucy specifically, "You seriously need to quit playing the blame game. You are twenty-five years old and soon to be the mother of three. Grow up." Lucy's mouth dropped at Matt's telling her off. She seemed to be searching for words, but apparently none came to her.

After that, none of the siblings seemed to know what to say to each other. There they were: the five of them again; and they were actually alone. It seemed like it had been forever since the five original Camdens had been all in the same room together without their spouses or children. It seemed ever since their father's death, their together-time had become scare and painful. Ruthie still remembered the lunch they had tried to share together over a year ago. After that, she should have known her relationship with her siblings would never be the same. None of their relationships had been the same since that day. As far as that went, none of their relationships had been the same since the death of their father, Eric Camden.

Matt's eyes were watering as he looked into Ruthie's. "Ruthie," he whispered. "While it's my personal opinion that you should see a doctor, if you are certain that you are all right – they tell us in medical school that nobody knows better than the expectant mother – we can hold off. But, Ruthie, you're not leaving that couch."

She couldn't help but notice the sincerity in his eyes. Yet, she continued to roll her eyes carelessly. "I'm fine. But whatever, if it makes you feel better, I won't leave this couch." She relaxed her shoulders against the back of the couch and tilted her head backward, trying to make herself comfortable.

At the same time, she couldn't help but notice Mary and Lucy looking at each other with bright eyes. "I'll stay here with you too," Mary insisted.

Lucy was nodding also. "I could sleep down here. We could have a sleepover in the living room and have some sisterly bonding." Lucy wrapped her arm around Mary's shoulder, "It's been awhile since we bonded just as sisters. It could be just like old times – when we all shared that room in that attic." Lucy grinned widely as her blue eyes kindly gazed toward Ruthie. Mary also nodded and smiled weakly as she appeared to agree to the plan.

All Ruthie did was shake her head. She wasn't so sure how she felt about the idea of having a _sleepover _with her older sisters. Back when they were young, she remembered how fun it had been. Now that they were older, and drifted apart, she had a bad feeling about it. Maybe it would be good for them, to "bond." That was beside the point. Here she was, eight months pregnant. All she wanted was some alone time. Some time to sit and stare at the wall. It had been forever since she had been let out of the sight of her siblings. Unfortunately, it made sense to her why that was. Her bulging stomach was a sheer example as to why her siblings didn't want to leave her alone. _I'm already pregnant, _she thought_, what else could happen? _To her, the answer was nothing. After all, she was already pregnant. What other trouble could she get into?

Matt was shaking his head as he looked back and forth between his three sisters. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea – I think if anyone should stay here with Ruthie, it's me. If something was to go wrong, and Ruthie needed immediate medical assistance, I could help you. You two know nothing about—."

"—we know nothing about pregnancy?" Lucy cut in, shifting her hands up her hips as she grasp onto her own small pregnant belly. "Excuse me! You may be a gynecologist, but Mary and I are mothers. I think we know plenty about prenatal care, thank you very much!"

Mary's eyes widened as she glanced at her sister, then stared her dumbstruck brother down. "Ditto, who do you think you are to say we don't know how to take care of our expectant sister? I would like to see _you _give birth," she raised her finger at Matt. "I've been taking good care of her for eight months, right Ruthie?" Her eyes aimed demandingly at Ruthie, as she demanded Ruthie's praise.

Ruthie shrugged reluctantly. "I suppose. I'm still alive."

Mary smiled weakly as she gave Matt an "_I told you so" _look. Matt shook his head. "If that's the case, then, why did she pass out only minutes after arriving here?" he insisted with his eyes directed at Mary. "I think that alone raises some questions."

Mary's jaw dropped as she stuttered for a response to that. Her mouth hanged wide open, but no words came out. Ruthie couldn't take it anymore. She shifted her shoulders down and released the fluid in her bones by cracking them. Letting out a loud exasperating sigh, she cried, "Oh, my God! Will you guys freaking stop? It's really aggravating! This is my body, not yours. So _stop _arguing about me! I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself!" Her throat burned as she realized she was screaming.

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Matt was still shaking his head hesitantly. Mary and Lucy had turned as pale as ghosts. And for the first time in awhile, Ruthie realized Simon was still in the room. He had remained impeccably quiet throughout the spiel that had occurred between their sisters and oldest brothers.

Simon's lips were zipped shut as his light eyes were shooting from sibling to sibling until they froze on Ruthie. Ruthie figured he must have spotted her staring directly at him. His eyes seemed to be watering up, like he was holding back tears. Her heart suddenly felt like it had been stabbed with a sword. She didn't understand why Simon would cry over something like the current situation; unless, of course, he was upset with her still.

The silence didn't last for long as Matt spoke dryly, "I beg to differ." He shook his head, "You are eighteen years old, unwed, and pregnant. I'm sorry, Ruthie, but I don't think you are able to take care of yourself."

Lucy's eyes were aimed straight at Matt. Her blue eyes had filled with liquid and a light clear stream started to trickle down her cheeks. Next to her, Mary's head tilted downward at her feet. She showed inferiority, like Matt had won. Ruthie curled her teeth over her lip as she felt her throat become heavy, like she had swallowed a big golf ball. She looked back at Simon, the brother she had once done everything with. His face was flustered red. Was he angry with her? Did he want to disown her as his sister? Ruthie wouldn't blame any of them for wanting to disown her.

She hadn't seen what was coming next. Simon sucked in a loud gasp of air and clamped his fists together into balls. He turned to his older brother, eyes full of fury. "Matt," he began; his voice trembled at first but got stronger. "Just stop. Stop rubbing in her face. Don't you think she's gone through enough harassment over the last year and a half? I know it hasn't been easy for any of us." He looked around the room. Matt, Mary, and Lucy's eyes were all glued on him. Simon took a deep breath, "After we lost Dad, all hell broke loose—and I'm not saying what Ruthie did in response to that was right, but for God's sake, if anyone's to blame for this, it's us all. This is my fault for bring Ruthie back here last Christmas…" his voice trailed. "…if we hadn't been here, Ruthie wouldn't have run off with that douche bag." He turned to Ruthie with his eyes and nose full of snot and whispered, "I'm sorry, Ruthie." Simon took a few steps closer to Ruthie and whispered again, "I truly am."

Ruthie gazed speechlessly with wide eyes toward Simon. Matt, Mary, and Lucy were all looking at Simon in silence. Simon's arms widened as they wrapped around Ruthie. The warmth of the warm green sweater he wore rubbed off on her. It was the beginning of August and ninety degrees outside. That didn't stop Simon from wearing his long sleeves to hide the tattoo that went down his arm that he had gotten shortly after his eighteenth birthday.

After Simon let go of her, Ruthie shook her head. "Simon," she mumbled. "It is not your fault that I am eighteen, unwed, and about to be a mother." She shook her head; a burning sensation overtook her throat. "It's mine. All mine. I'm the dirty whore who got herself pregnant…twice…in a year's time."

Lucy let out a loud breathtaking gasp with those words. "Ruthie, you are not a dirty…well, you're not!" Her older sister couldn't bring herself to use the devilish word her youngest sister had just uttered. "You made a mistake, yes, but you're not that. Everyone makes mistakes." Lucy turned to Matt, "And Simon's right, we need to back off on her. Let her have some peace."

Before Matt could respond to that, footsteps interrupted their _meeting_. Ruthie's eyes jolted up the stairs to see Sarah walking down with a little bundle of blankets cradled in her arms. Behind her were Sam and David, who each were holding onto one of their two-year-old nephews' hands as they walked down the stairs after their sister-in-law.

Sarah's face was pale as she looked with wide eyes toward her disconnected husband. Matt's eyes were bugged as they were wandering the room anxiously. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," Sarah declared softly as she walked across the room toward her husband. Sam and David followed with Jacob and Noah. "But it's getting late, and the boys are tired. I was thinking we should go home. It's going to be a long day tomorrow. If you want to stay here, Cecilia said that she and Simon would bring you home when they go to her parents' house in a little bit."

Matt's eyes were wide as he looked at Simon. Simon was shaking his head and mumbled something along the lines of, "I love how my wife volunteers me…"

"What?" Sarah turned to Simon, raising her eyebrows.

Simon smiled lightly. "Oh nothing," he insisted.

Matt shrugged, "That sounds great." He winked at Simon. Ruthie had the feeling that he must have understood what Simon said. In a way, she didn't want to know what Matt had planned up his sleeve. He walked a few steps closer to his wife and gave her a peck on the forehead. Gently he brushed his hand over to blanket and gave the sleeping baby a kiss on his forehead also. Ruthie realized that she was looking at her youngest nephew for the first time. His eyes were closed, but she knew from the pictures she had seen that they were dark brown. The little boy had a full head of brown hair. Here he was, already five months old. He looked a lot more like Sarah than the twins did. Jacob and Noah had pure apparent Camden genetics. They were miniatures of Sam and David at their age.

"Well, we're going to get going then," Sarah nodded, just as Jacob and Noah ran over and gave their dad a hug. She turned to Ruthie, Mary, and Lucy, "See you guys tomorrow." Then her eyes focused directly on Ruthie, "I hope you are feeling better, Ruthie."

"I'm feeling a lot better, thanks," Ruthie forced a smile.

"Oh, and just so you guys know," Sarah continued quickly. "Robbie, Patty Mary, and Camden are spending the night in the garage apartment, Roxanne, Chandler, Sandy, Jonathan, and the Petrowskis left, the Hamiltons went and got a couple of hotel rooms, and Corey called her parents who still live here; she, Wilson, and the kids are spending the night there. So, everyone's pretty much gone now. Kevin and Cecilia are upstairs with Savannah, Charlie, Crissy, Jenny, Bekah, and Madi."

Lucy's jaw dropped, "Who said that Robbie and Patty Mary could sleep in the garage apartment?" She seemed amazingly shocked.

Sarah shrugged, "I guess Kevin. I just assumed you two had discussed it."

"Well, Patty Mary is Kevin's sister," Matt shrugged. "It only makes sense. You'd actually ship them off to a hotel, Lucy?"

Lucy shook her head and shrugged. "Really, I wouldn't have had a problem with it. But Kevin should have at least discussed it with me." She raised her nose up high.

Ruthie closed her eyes and shook her head. It was about time the attention had been directed away from her. She wasn't sure how much _attention _she could take. Back when she was little, she used to love being the center of attention. Now, she just strived to be left alone. She would do anything for a room all to herself where she could just stare out the window and watch the birds fly by.

Sarah grunted and looked at her husband. She shifted Josh to her left arm gently, without waking him, and lightly lifted her hand as she waved goodbye. Matt nodded and waved back at his wife. Sam, David, Noah, and Jacob followed Sarah out of the front door.

"Are you sure you just don't want to go with them now?" Simon insisted as he crossed his arms.

Matt shook his head. "Nah, I think I'm fine." He took a few steps toward Simon and placed his hand on Simon's shoulder, "Just fine." Simon shook his head and looking up toward the ceiling.

"So," Lucy started as she seemed to be trying to avoid her brothers' _bonding_. She looked at Mary and Ruthie, "Can we still have our sleep-over? It could be fun, you know, just for old time's sake."

Mary was nodding and Ruthie sighed, "Fine, all right, we can have a _sleepover_." Her stomach rumbled and her eyes directed toward the round clock on the wall. It was approaching ten o'clock already. Her eyes were heavy and all she really wanted to do was sleep. However, her stomach burned and craved for something to fill the empty hole inside of it. _I'm not supposed to leave this couch, remember? _She told herself.

"Can somebody get me something to eat?" she asked, with a slight demand in her tone.

"Will do," Matt jumped off the couch. "What would you like?"

Before Ruthie could answer her brother, Lucy rolled her eyes and growled, "Seeing as I live here, and it's our food in the refrigerator, I will go get Ruthie something to eat. Now, Ruthie, what would you like?"

"Oh for Christ's sake," Matt snarled as he crossed his arms.

"You are not to use the Lord's name in vain!" Lucy shrieked. "And of all places this house, which has graciously been given to us by the church. Watch your language and tone, brother."

"If you say so," Matt raised his hands up high, as if he were motioning for help from a higher being. Without saying another word, he headed toward the stairway and ran up the stairs. Ruthie's mouth felt dry as she realized her brother had just let Lucy win. It was obvious that he was fed up with her controlling. Or maybe he had just realized that there was no point in arguing with pregnant women. One would have thought – given his profession – he would have realized that a long time ago.

"Anyway," Lucy smiled as she proclaimed defeat. She turned her grin toward Ruthie, "What can I get you?"

"Whatever works," Ruthie shrugged carelessly.

"Oh come on," Lucy laughed. "You have to be craving something specific. I know this time around all I've been craving is pickles. With Savannah and Bekah it was hamburgers…but this time it's definitely pickles. The smell of anything sour-tasting made me sick with both Savannah and Bekah…"

"Are you sure you're not having a boy?" Mary raised her eyebrows. "I know with Charlie all I wanted to eat was sour foods…like pickles, oh and Italian. With the girls even the whiff of Italian food made me sick."

Lucy shook her head, "Kevin wanted a boy really bad. Nope, it's a girl – well, that's what the doctor tells us. But this has definitely been a different pregnancy than the others. I've just insisted that it's the shot I had to get because of my blood type so my body wouldn't try to destroy the fetus again like it did before." Nobody responded, and the room got really quiet for a moment. Lucy added, "All that matters is that the baby's healthy. That's all I care about; personally, it's fine with me if we have all girls." An awkward silence filled the room after that. With that, Ruthie felt a hard kick. Lucy's face had flushed slightly red and finally she turned to Ruthie. "So, Ruthie, do you know the gender of your baby?"

Ruthie gritted her teeth. "No," she said quietly. She had decided that she didn't want to know. If she didn't know, then in a way the fact that she was going to mother seemed less realistic. It was like it hadn't sunk in yet. Of course, she had spent hours and hours thinking about it; just like she had the first time around. Somehow, it seemed more realistic the first time. Here she was, now just a month away from holding _two _babies in her arms. It didn't seem possible to her. None of it seemed possible.

"Aw," Lucy sounded disappointed. "Though, I guess I can understand the need for a little suspense. Hey, while you're here we should throw you a baby shower. After all, you've probably got nothing."

"Actually," Mary cut in slowly, "I've still got all of Charlie, Crissy, and Jenny's baby stuff – I was going to offer it all to Ruthie."

"Oh," Lucy murmured. "I've still got all of Savannah and Bekah's baby clothes, which I'll need for the new baby when she comes. Though, by the time she's here yours will be outgrown of the newborn clothes." She let out another loud sigh, "That is, providing you have a girl." Ruthie didn't know how to respond to Lucy's offer. She gaped into her sister's shiny watery blue eyes. Lucy shook her head and sighed, "I can't believe my baby sister is having a baby…and that our children will be growing up together. I always thought…" she stopped dead, as she jerked her head toward Mary. Mary shrugged.

"You always thought that I would be smarter?" Ruthie inquired with a brow rose.

Simon shook his head, "I'm going to go see if Matt and Cecilia are ready to go." His sisters stared at him without a response. Awkwardly, he turned around and jetted up the steps.

"I'm starving," Ruthie groaned. Truthfully, she didn't want Mary or Lucy to respond to her statement. She knew it was true, and she didn't need them to reiterate what she had just said. "A peanut butter and jelly sandwich would be just fine."

"Okay," Lucy nodded and began to walk toward the kitchen, leaving Mary and Ruthie all alone.

They sat in silence for a few moments, until Mary finally said, "I wonder what's on television." The television remote sat on the coffee table in front of them. Hesitantly she reached for it. She pressed the round red button that turned the television on and began switching through the channels. Ruthie didn't say anything, as right then and there she could care less with what was on television. Her tummy continued to rumble, and her ribs ached like they could literally just fall off.

Mary had stopped on some show that Ruthie couldn't care less about. It was some cop drama that Mary watched with every chance she got. Ruthie's thoughts traveled far away from Mary. She started to ponder about her problems. Something hit her. She was in Glen Oak, the land of where her life had turned to hell. Not too long ago, she had been wishing she could go back to Glen Oak. Now that she was actually there, she wondered why she had wanted to go back so badly. Martin, to her knowledge, still resided across the street. It was still summer, and he would probably still be home from college. What if she were to run into him? To his knowledge, she had gotten the morning after pill and wasn't in this condition.

Then there was another conflict. Peter. His parents had been there, but he hadn't. She didn't even want to begin to ponder why. How much had he told his parents? Surely he wouldn't have told them that they had _been _together. Somehow, she doubted that he had told anyone. The bottom line was: now his parents knew, surely they would tell him. How would he react? Would he even second guess that they could be his?

She gripped her stomach with that question. Mary was the only other one in her family who knew that story, and if she could help it nobody else would find out. Over the last months she had tried her best to avoid thinking about _that_. It only made her feel worse, as if she didn't feel bad enough. She had seen how Matt had just behaved toward her. At least she knew how he really felt about her. All of this time he had been pretending to support her, but now she saw how it really was. She had weighed so much trust in on her oldest brother. When it call fell down, she realized that he was no better than the rest of the world.

Lucy's recent support surprised her. Of all of her siblings, she had expected Lucy to judge her the most. Lucy was just that type of person. Matt never had come off to her as judgmental before. Though, he did like to bring stuff back in peoples' faces. She could remember him doing that with Simon on more than one occasion.

Overall, though, Mary's actions made Ruthie the most suspicious. She couldn't help but wonder if there was something underlying her eldest sister's actions other than the fact she wanted to bring "revelations" to their relationship. Whatever it was, it was killing Ruthie. She had to know what Mary's true intentions were.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Lucy's heavy footsteps coming from the kitchen. She jerked her head toward the entrance to the living room. A few moments later Lucy appeared with a plate in her hands and a big glass of milk in her other hand. "I figured you could use something to drink too," Lucy insisted. "And milk is good and nutritious for the baby."

Ruthie grunted as she reached her hands out to grab the plate. She set the plate on her round belly, where it sat unleveled. Lucy sat down next to her with the glass still in her hand. Ruthie started to shovel the sandwich into her mouth, chewing like a vampire who was destroying its prey.

When her sandwich was devoured, she traded the plate with Lucy and took the glass. As she started to slurp it down, steps could be heard from the stairway. Almost spilling her milk, she looked toward it. Matt, Simon, and Cecilia, who held a ten-month-old little girl in her arms, were all trotting down the steps. Ruthie's eyes fixed on Madi. She was wearing a pink Tutu dress, and long beads were around her neck. The little girl's ear length blonde hair was tied up in a silky pink ribbon. Instantly, Ruthie assumed that she had been playing dress up. She smiled to herself as she remembered playing dress up as a little girl. Back then, life had been so simple.

All of a sudden, she hoped that one of the babies was a girl. A girl would be a lot of fun, she decided. She had always wanted a daughter, but now it seemed of the essence that she had a daughter. When she closed her eyes she imagined herself shopping with her daughter and buying the most fashionable clothes for her little girl to wear. It would be fun, and for the first time she actually looked forward to being a mother.

"Well," Simon began, looking at his sisters, "We're going to start heading out." Matt grunted, frowning. Simon nudged his older brother, and Matt looked up at the ceiling again.

"I guess we are," Matt sighed. "Take care of yourself, Ruthie. If you need anything, I'm only a five minute drive away, okay?"

"Yup," Ruthie nodded. "I get it. Bye."

Matt didn't say anything, but he was giving her a_, "That's it?" _look. That was it, all right. She had nothing more to say to him. Matt frowned and shrugged. He looked toward Simon and Cecilia; his eyes looked sad, and motioned that he was ready to go.

"Well, see you guys tomorrow," Cecilia smiled weakly as she hugged her daughter tightly.

"Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow," Simon tagged on hesitantly. The word "tomorrow" trembled as Simon uttered it. Something about that term tomorrow, in reference to the actual tomorrow, brought chills to Ruthie's skin. She knew it was going to be a painful day, yet she had forced herself not to think about it. She hadn't thought about it in depth yet.

Matt, Simon, Cecilia, and little Madi disappeared through the front door. Ruthie sighed, knowing she was alone in the house with her older sisters. Well, not completely alone. Kevin, Robbie, and Patty Mary were upstairs. Also, Savannah, Bekah, Charlie, Crissy, Jenny, and Camden had to be up there somewhere.

"I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to go get some pillows and blankets from upstairs, so we can sleep down here," Lucy expressed delightfulness. Ruthie suddenly realized that Lucy was actually _serious _about the three of them having a "sleepover" in the living room. Ruthie raised an eyebrow with surprise.

"Um, all right," Ruthie shrugged. "But I have to go pee, and the idiot who built this house didn't put a bathroom on the main level…" Mary and Lucy looked at each other hesitantly. "Oh come on guys, Matt's gone. It's not like he's going to know I left the freaking couch." Mary and Lucy were still looking at each other.

"I'll help you upstairs," Mary insisted. "But then you're going to have to come right back down here."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Ruthie rolled her eyes as she reached her arm out for some assistance in getting her round self off of the couch. In return, Mary extended her arm to help Ruthie. Once Ruthie was on her feet, she waddled with Mary and Lucy toward the steps

Lucy went ahead first, as she was planning on searching for the blankets and pillows. Mary insisted that Ruthie go ahead of her. It was like she was afraid that she would fall down the stairs or something ._What's up with that? _Ruthie wondered, as she gripped onto the railing and made her way up the stairs without too much strain. All of a sudden she felt full of energy, like she had never been weak. She felt rejuvenated, as if she had drunk a whole pot of coffee.

As she relieved herself in the bathroom, she could hear Mary pacing the floor outside of the bathroom. Was Mary really that concerned about her? Or was she just a really good actress? Mary had tricked a lot of people during her life time. Ruthie wasn't exactly one of the most easily fooled people on Earth. That wasn't to say it couldn't happen. As of then, Mary wasn't fooling her at all.

When she was done, Mary went ahead of her down the stairs. Ruthie wanted to scream and tell her that she wasn't going to fall. Nonetheless, she continued to bite her tongue. She only had to withstand this for another month. Then, of course, she would have her family down her throat telling her how to raise her children. And God knew how they would react once they found out she was having twins. She still hadn't declared where she would be living once the twins were born. It was something she didn't want to think about. The sad part was, out of all of her siblings, Lucy had the most room. _I am not moving in with Lucy, _Ruthie thought_. Then I'll really have to deal with her barking down my throat_. She shuddered, when she thought about what a control freak Lucy could be.

Even after drinking that large glass of milk, her throat was still dry like a tree-limb. Instead of sitting down, she turned to Mary, "I'm going to get a drink from the kitchen, all right?"

"No, you are not," Mary insisted. "I'll go get it for you – what would you like?"

"Oh, shut up," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. The babies are fine, see?" She gripped her stomach, just as she realized the booboo she had just made.

"Um, did you just say…_babies_?" Mary asked.

"As in Lucy's and mine," Ruthie rushed as she started to head toward the kitchen. In her peripheral vision she could see Mary trailing behind her.

"No, that's not what you mean," Mary said softly as the two sisters walked into the kitchen. "You weren't referring to Lucy's baby…you were referring to yourself. You're having twins, aren't you?" Ruthie's heart started to race faster and faster as they entered the kitchen. Sweat started to drip from her forehead as she looked around. The kitchen hadn't changed much since the last time she had set foot in it. She could still smell the scent of fresh baked cookies lingering in the air; a smell that would probably never leave the kitchen. When she walked over toward the counter she saw the cookie jar her mom had bought to replace the one that she had broken only a few years ago. Curiously, Ruthie rubbed her hand over the cookie jar and opened it. To her surprise, it was loaded. She could see that Lucy hadn't changed a lot of her mother's traditions.

She grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and waddled toward the refrigerator to pull it open. The refrigerator also was loaded, just like it had been when she was younger. Ruthie was actually surprised. Now that Kevin had gone back to work, she had expected to see an empty kitchen. She remembered a couple years ago when Lucy and Kevin had been arguing over who was going to do the shopping. Back then, Kevin wasn't even working. Maybe, finally, Lucy had come to her senses.

As she munched on the cookie, she grabbed the bottle of lemonade from the front of the refrigerator. She reached for the very same cupboard her mother had kept the glasses when they were growing up. Not to her surprise, the very same glasses that had been there since she was a child still filled the cupboard. She reached for the first glass on the first shelf and began to pour the drink into it.

"Ruthie," Mary was still behind her. "Talk to me…please? Ruthie, are you having twins?"

Ruthie curled her teeth over her lip as she went to put the bottle back in the refrigerator. She took a quick sip of the lemonade, the refreshment filled her throat and she felt sudden relief from thirst. Sighing, she turned to her sister, whose eyes were beating strongly on her. She knew she couldn't hold it back any longer. "Fine," she said stubbornly. "I—I'm having twins."

Mary shook her head and closed her eyes. "I had a feeling…I know I was teasing you, and that's probably why you didn't tell me sooner. If I hadn't teased you, you would have been more likely to tell me, right?"

"I don't know about that," Ruthie stated as she shrugged. "I—I was afraid that if I told you about the twins that you would kick me out. There's not enough room in your apartment for one more baby, more less two."

Her sister nodded her head. "You're right…but, Ruthie, I wouldn't kick you out. I would never do that." Before Ruthie could even breathe, she heard a knock on the door. Ruthie turned to Mary with wide eyes. Mary shrugged as she tip-toed toward the door to crack it open.

"Who do you think it is?" Ruthie whispered. "Who would be knocking on our door at this hour?"

Mary shrugged, and slowly started to turn the handle. Ruthie trotted over toward the small table, so when the door opened whoever it was wouldn't be able to see her, but she could see them.

The door swung open, and Ruthie's face burnt red with anger and anxiousness when she perceived the faces she saw.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Who do you think is at the door? I love feedback and your guesses. ALSO, I'll post this when I post the next chapter of my new story, but: the new story I have started _Where the Heart Lies_ has **nothing **to do with _Outside Heaven_. Yes, I do use the same names for Matt and Sarah's children, but I almost always use those names; same goes for Mary's twins (Jenny and Crissy).


	44. Upside Down

Outside Heaven

Chapter 44

Upside Down

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" Mary cried with her hands on her hips. Her eyes aimed straight into frightened eyes. Two young men stood outside, though Mary only had addressed one of them. The older of the two's dark coal eyes sincerely aimed toward Ruthie. She soon realized that her 'hiding' place was in fact not a hiding place at all.

He placed his hand on the cowardly wimp who stood next to him. She stared him down nervously, realizing that he hadn't changed since she had last seen him that December. Soon she found her hand crawling down her stomach. Her stomach stopped rumbling, and she no longer felt hungry. Suddenly she felt a tight knot tie up in her stomach. The blood in her veins started to rush faster through her body and she felt like she was having a heat stroke. Sweat started to drip down her forehead and she felt a rash begin to plaster up her neck.

His hair was just as dark brown as it had been the last time she had seen him, only it in the dark night it appeared darker. When she looked in his eyes, she saw the same light green shimmer that had turned her on when she was only fifteen. Only now, there was something different about his eyes. They were wide, like he had just seen a ghost. She had been thrown for a loop, but soon she realized where his eyes were aimed at; her stomach.

Robbie let out a sigh, full of sincerity, as he looked between Ruthie and Mary. "We forgot the baby bag over here and I was on my way over to pick it up, in the meantime I ran into this guy standing outside the gate." He placed his hand on Martin's shoulder and looked directly at Ruthie. "He said that he needed to talk to you...but he was afraid you wouldn't talk to him, so Ruthie, please talk to him?"

"Hold on, hold on," Mary loudly spoke as she lifted a finger before Ruthie could even respond to Robbie's statement. "First off, do you even know who this _fool _is?" Her eyes were wide and full of cruelty as they looked at Robbie. Robbie shrugged; he lifted a brow and made his lack of clue evident. "That's what I thought," Mary rolled her eyes. "You see, Robbie, this dumbass _raped _my sister." Ruthie's jaw dropped with her sister's accusation. She had never told Mary that Martin had raped her; she had told her about the instance where he had ripped her phone out of her hand. Never in a million years had she said that he had forced her to have sex with him.

Martin's jaw dropped with that and his eyes aimed fearfully toward Ruthie. "I-Is that what you're telling people?" he demanded. His eyes were wide and the color seemed to suction out of his face when he looked at Ruthie's stomach, which looked like it could explode at any moment. He shook his head and she heard him mumble, "I knew this was a bad idea."

Next to Martin, Robbie's mouth was wide open. His eyes were still aimed directly at Ruthie. "Ruthie," he whispered, "I-Is that true?"

Before she could say another word, she heard a noise from outside. Instantly, she could tell that Mary had heard it to as she brushed past Robbie and Martin. Full of curiosity, Ruthie waddled over to the door to see what was going on. _Who else could possibly be out there?_

She squint her eyes past Martin and Robbie where she saw two dark tall shadows, one taller than the other. Her eyes shot toward Mary, who shook her head vibrantly. "Crap," Ruthie heard one of the voices outside gasp. She embedded her hand into her hips as she watched the two figures appear closely.

"What the hell are you doing here?" the shorter of the two brothers gasped at Martin. "You know, you're lucky that you are alive. If I had it my way…"

"Simon," Ruthie mumbled; her eyes traveled slowly to the taller figure, "Matt." She looked back and forth between her two brothers. Simon was blushing as he crossed his arms like he had just been caught red handed. Matt's face grimaced; his face and hands were clammy like he was nervous. Of course he was nervous. He knew that he wasn't supposed to be there.

Mary let out a gasp that was full of annoyance. She rolled her eyes at Matt and Simon. "While I'm wondering the same thing you are," she began as she gave Martin a dirty look then turned back to Simon and Matt and gave out a loud sigh, "I'm more curious as to why you two are here."

The two brothers looked at each other and Simon shook his head. "I tried to talk him about of it," Simon insisted. "But Matt insisted on coming back to make sure Ruthie was okay." His watery sincere eyes looked toward Ruthie, and he sighed. "Now I'm glad we did…" he turned to Martin, "To protect her from this douche bag."

"For Christ's sake!" Martin shrieked; his eyes looked like they could kill. He pushed past Mary, barging into the house. A loud _Ker plunk! _echoed within Ruthie's ears. It took her a minute to realize what had just happened. When she did, it took her forever to fathom it.

Martin had not only pushed past Mary, but he had shoved Simon to the ground. Simon had landed face first on the linoleum tile on the kitchen floor. Martin was standing directly in front of Ruthie, looking down at her gut. "What happened to the Plan B?" he whispered ghastly, "And God, Ruthie, why didn't you tell me?"

She could feel his eyes beating down on her, even though her eyes were far away from his. Hers were aimed toward her older brother, whose body still lied flat on the ground. Mary, Matt, and Robbie stood there with wide open eyes; their jaws were practically touching the floor.

Matt slowly bent over and grabbed Simon's wrist. "Are you all right, Buddy?" he asked quietly. Simon's eyes were glossed over; he didn't answer his brother's question. When she squinted, Ruthie realized that Simon's lip was cut open and blood was dripping down his chin. "Shit," Matt mumbled as he turned his head to Mary and demanded, "Mary, get me a damp cloth." In response to his order, Mary rolled her eyes with a huff. "And I mean now!" Matt snapped forcibly as he covered his hand over Simon's oozing lip.

Ruthie's stomach clenched; she felt absolutely useless just standing there and watching her brother bleed. She felt her rib crack with a strong kick. Then, out of the blue, she felt it was hard to breathe. Her head started to spin and the kitchen was going round and round. Martin's face was flustering with anger with every glance he gave her. His eyes finally set on her and they stared. "Ruthie," he whispered. "Answer me." She shook her head, her tongue curled inside her mouth; she bit onto it tightly to make sure she didn't say anything she was going to regret. "Shit, Ruthie." He growled like a killer bear. "Why can't you answer me?" His hand pounded against the wall, making a loud sound – like someone breaking in. Only seconds after his hand hit his wall, Martin jerked it away. Liquid had watered up in his eyes; it was obvious that he was holding it back.

"When you hit the wall, you hurt yourself more than the wall," Ruthie whispered quietly. Martin didn't say anything to the sound of her voice.

Then, out of the blue, she heard loud heavy steps coming from the stairway. She twirled to her side, where she saw Kevin coming down the stairs. "What the heck is going on down here?" he demanded, still half way up the stairway. Ruthie's eyes widened when she saw what was in his hand. His grip on the black killer weapon was tight as he continued walking down the stairs.

She could remember the gun scandal that had gone down in the house only three and a half years ago. Matt and Simon had been arguing about something, she couldn't even remember what it was, but Kevin had walked in on them with the gun. At the time, she had been on the phone with Vincent; her first _real _boyfriend. She didn't like to think about him anymore, though. He had disappeared off the face of the Earth, as far as she was concerned.

Her father had forced him to get the gun out of the house that night. Now, of course, her father was dead. Therefore, he had no say on whether or not he could have a gun inside the parsonage. It was between him and Lucy. Ruthie was surprised that Lucy had agreed to allow him to have the gun inside the house. Personally, Ruthie didn't see anything wrong with it. She felt safer knowing that Kevin was a cop and had protection for them if someone were to break into the house.

With what was to about to come, Ruthie's opinion would change fast. Ruthie didn't see it until it was too late, and apparently Kevin hadn't either. He was three steps away from landing his feet safely on the kitchen floor when his body started to shift forward and his legs went backward. His hands shot forward as he seemed to try to stop himself, but he didn't. He must have forgotten that the gun was still in his hand. His shoulders shifted as he fell to the ground with his gun in his hand. He had to have been trying to grip the handle on the railing, but he didn't. Instead, he was gripping the handle of his gun. His finger went through the hole of his gun and the trigger was pulled.

It all happened so fast, that it was almost unconceivable. Ruthie would remember her eardrums popping as she watched the bullet shoot across the room at four hundred meters per second. Matt had just taken the damp cloth from Mary. Simon was sitting straight up and Matt was pressing the cloth into his brother's lip firmly to stop the bleeding. Simon still had the wind knocked out of him, and by the time Matt had realized what had just happened it was too late. The bullet had landed into Simon's right shoulder.

For a minute they all stared in disbelief. Any and all heat that had been in the room had evaporated. It was like they had all stepped into a freezer; or taken an expedition to Antarctica. All time seemed to have stopped, like they were all in some bad nightmare. Thumping from the stairway brought them all back to reality. Their eyes all turned to Lucy, who stepped over the small box that Kevin had just tripped over it. It had to have been a shoe box, perhaps something the children had been playing with earlier that day. "What hap—," she stopped dead when she saw Simon hunched over on the floor by the back door. "Oh no!" she yelled hoarsely. Tears had already begun to cover her face. "What…happened…? Call an ambulance, _now_!"

She paddled across the floor, passing her husband still lying on the floor. Matt's face had turned a color Ruthie had never seen it before. It was a green puke-like color. His trembling hands pushed over his brother's womb as he tried to stop the blood from coming out of his own brother's chest. Simon's eyes were becoming more glossy and crystallized. The pigment in his skin was discoloring. Not a word came out of his mouth as his brother and sister hovered over him.

Ruthie's eyes travelled over to Mary. Mary's faced was frozen with shock; her eyes were aimed coldly toward Martin. Her mouth staggered for words, but nothing came out.

"Didn't you hear her?" Matt gasped, looking around the room. He was using every watt of energy he had left to try and save his brother's life. "Call an _ambulance_!"

Mary didn't blink, and Ruthie's head had started to spin again. She grabbed for the wall to try and keep her balance. Across from her, still standing at the door, Robbie barged through the door and jet toward the kitchen phone. She heard him start dialing. "527 Alda Road…gunshot womb…hurry!" she heard Robbie gasp breathlessly into the phone. His voice was cracking like a pre-teen boy who had just entered puberty. He was panting for air as he looked back toward Simon and Kevin.

Her head had begun spinning so bad that she could barely keep track of what was going on. She reached for a kitchen chair and slowly sat down. Her stomach felt queasy with the smell of blood in the room. Robbie continued to hold onto the phone and speak with the operator when a woman's figure appeared at the door. She held a small toddler in her arms.

Ruthie examined the small boy. Immediately she realized how he was starting to look more and more like his father. His hair had grown out dark and black. The little boy's coal black dreamy eyes were the ones she could die for. Little circles were around them; he looked sleepy; and given the time, that was no surprise.

Patty Mary's eyes were only on her husband's when she began to speak, "I thought you just came over to get our diaper bag. I was just getting to get worried when I heard a loud…holy crap!" Patty Mary's mouth dropped open when she looked down at a bleeding Simon on the cold floor. Quickly, she covered her innocent son's eyes and turned him around, pressing his face into her shirt so he couldn't see the gruesome situation.

"Mommy, Daddy?" a little girl's voice came from the top of the stairs. Dizzily, Ruthie looked over toward the stairs. She saw Savannah and Charlie standing at the top; Savannah was wearing a pink night gown all ready for bed, and Charlie was still dressed in the same clothes he had been wearing when they had arrived.

"Oh, no," Lucy mumbled. "Sweetie, stay up there!" Lucy called back to her daughter, lifting her pregnant body off of the floor. She glanced one more time at her weakening brother, and walked over to the steps. "Go back to bed," she told her daughter from the bottom of the stairs.

"But Mommy, Charlie needs his jammies!" the three-and-a-half year old insisted as she took one step down the steps. Charlie remained put where he was.

"Savannah, sweetie, stay right there!" Lucy insisted, as she hesitantly glanced back at her lifeless brother. Her face showed that she didn't want to leave him.

For the first time, Kevin moved. "I'll go up with her," he said quietly. His face was full of shame and guilt. Lucy didn't even look at her husband, though she nodded in agreement. Her eyes traveled to the spot where the gun lay on the floor. It went untouched as Kevin started to run up the stairs toward his daughter.

"I-I'm going to go back to the garage apartment," Patty Mary stated. Nobody protested. With Camden in her arms still, she turned around and disappeared into the darkness.

A sense of relief filled the room when they all heard the sirens for the first time. "Someone go out there and direct them in here," Matt instructed, demandingly. Mary's eyes were still frozen on Martin. She wanted to say something, Ruthie could tell, but she didn't want to say it with everyone present.

Robbie slammed the phone into the wall and ran out the back door. Ruthie's heart raced faster and faster as she gripped to the bottom of the chair. For the first time since everything had happened, Martin looked into her eyes. He didn't say a word.

The paramedics appeared through the door. First, she watched them take his pulse. "Get him on the stretcher, we've still got a pulse," the red-haired paramedic spoke. "You can let go of him now." He looked at Matt, who still had a good grip on Simon's other arm.

Reluctantly, Matt let go and gave the paramedics the space they needed to lift Simon onto the stretcher. He set his hands on his hips as he watched his paralyzed brother lifted. When he was on the stretcher, Matt moved closer and placed his hand on Simon's chilling wrist. "It's going to be all right, little brother, you're going to be all right," Matt told Simon, even though none of them could possibly know if Simon could hear what Matt was saying.

Lucy stood next to Matt, looking down at Simon. Her face was full of sticky tears. She stroked her finger across his chin, where dry blood had stained his skin. A word did not utter out of her mouth.

"We have to get going," the other paramedic instructed. He was aged further than the red-haired one. Gray streaks of hair could be seen underneath is dark brown hair. He also had wrinkles underneath his brown hair that embedded into his tan olive skin.

They lifted Simon and started to carry him out of the house. Matt and Lucy both started to follow after. "Hold on," Matt instructed, pushing Lucy back. "You can't come along."

Lucy stomped her foot and crossed her arms. "Excuse me!" she sniped, "And why would that be?" She rolled her deep blue eyes into her sockets.

"Because, well, you're not a doctor…and two, someone needs to be here to make sure everything's in order." Matt shot a look directly at Martin, who still stood in his same spot silently, then glanced at Mary. All of a sudden, Ruthie got the drift that Matt didn't trust Mary entirely.

"Mary's perfectly capable of keeping things in line!" Lucy cried with her hands on her hips. "He's my little brother. I need to be there for him. I'm a minister, and he needs my support. Matt, I can't stay here. I can't face Kevin…not after this…please."

Matt grunted with the mention of Kevin's name. "Now that you say it like that…" he mumbled, trailing off. He shook his head and his hair ruffed up a bit. "I don't know if they'll let you come, but come on." He motioned Lucy to follow then looked at Mary, "Don't screw anything up." With that, Mary gave him a disgusted look. Matt and Lucy soon disappeared into the darkness.

They left Ruthie alone with Mary, Robbie, and the dreaded Martin. Silence echoed throughout the room and the four stared back and forth between each other. One could have heard a paperclip hit the floor.

The cumbersome silence was broken with Mary's loud grunt. "This is your entire fault," her eyes were aimed at Martin. "If you weren't such an asshole, none of this would have happened. If Simon dies or is permanently injured, I'm personally holding you accountable."

Martin looked stupefied with Mary's snide comment. "Excuse me," he growled; his eyes rolled. "I didn't pull that trigger, so, I reckon that it's _Kevin's _fault, not mine. Are you blind? Because frankly, you were standing here and watching just as well as I was."

"Like hell!" Mary snarled; her voice intensified with her words. "Yes, Kevin pulled the trigger. I'm no idiot, and I'm most certainly not blind. And, yes, it was an accident. But shit, Martin, if you hadn't _shoved _my brother to the ground, he wouldn't have been in that position when Kevin came down the stairs. That bullet would have hit the door." She paused for a minute and added on quickly, "And mind you, if you hadn't been beating down our _walls_, Kevin wouldn't have been down here with a gun, anyway!"

"Just shut the hell up!" Martin snarled, taking a few steps closer to Mary. "Maybe, if you hadn't accused me of _rape_, I wouldn't have been so angry!" He turned around and looked directly into Ruthie's eyes, "Ruthie, tell her that I didn't rape you. Please, tell her. You know I didn't rape you." His eyes were those of a beggar's. "Please," he whimpered.

She didn't know what to say. Her head was still spinning and she felt nauseous on the inside. She shook her head as she looked back at Mary. She lifted her head toward Robbie, who was standing by the counter.

"Ruthie," Robbie spoke softly, taking a few steps closer to her. "Did he…rape you?" Robbie stepped closer and placed his hand on her baby bump. "Ruthie?"

She could feel the three pairs of eyes beating on her. Finally, she let out a loud sigh and shook her head. "No," she said flatly. "He didn't. I chose to…be…with him." Somehow, she couldn't bring herself to say the word _sex _in front of Robbie. She didn't know why, but in a way he made her feel uncomfortable. It was bad enough that she was pregnant, and he _knew _she was sexually active. She couldn't be sure as to why that embarrassed her. It did. The fact that everyone knew she had been sexually active flustered her.

Should it? She wasn't sure. It hadn't bothered Simon. He was open to telling everyone that he didn't care. Once, back when she and Martin had been good friends, Martin had told her about a conversation he had with Simon. She had learned that it had been Martin who had told Simon that, "Every girl is someone's daughter or sister." Martin had told her that Simon had insisted he had no regrets, that it was "just sex."

It wasn't "just sex." That wasn't how she had felt about it at all. Ruthie often wondered if he had actually gotten one of those girls pregnant, if he would have felt the same. Then again, he didn't have to walk around every day showing that he was sexually active. Only the girl involved in the relationship had to do that.

Every time she looked down at her stomach she realized that it was living proof that she had disdained her family's name. She had gone against everything her father had ever taught and preached into her veins. Ruthie knew that she was walking proof of a mess-up.

_What would Dad say? _She wondered. Sometimes when she was alone, and had nothing better to do, she would ponder about possible conversations she would have with her father or mother. She had come up with many possibly scenarios; though, she would never know if any of them were a reality.

_She thought back to last January, when she had first realized she was pregnant for the second time. Her grandma Ruth had just died, and she hadn't told Simon or any of her siblings that she was pregnant. She was still living at home with her parents, both still alive and healthy. They had just returned back to Glen Oak from her grandmother's funeral. Both of her parents were still full of sobs. _

_It would be an awful time to break the news to them, but she knew she had to. "Mom…Dad…" she began. She was alone in the living room with them both. Kevin and Lucy had taken their daughters back to their house to grieve separately. "There's something I to tell you." _

_Her parents would be sitting on the couch, looking up at her with sincere eyes. "What's that, sweetie?" her mother asked her._

"_You know you can tell us anything, we'll support you no matter what," her father placed his hand on her shoulder._

"_Dad…Mom…" she stuttered. "I-I'm pregnant." _

_Both of her parents' jaws would drop open. "I didn't see that coming," her father said, trying to keep a straight face as he turned to her mother. "Did you?" _

_Her mother was in tears; her arms extended around Ruthie as she said, "No, no, baby, I didn't…I can't believe this, Ruthie. What have you done?"_

"_Who's the father?" her father immediately demanded. His tone would be angry, even though he tried to contain himself. He had a problem hiding his anger._

There were times she pictured it much more violent. In one of her visions, her mother would run out of the room in tears, and her father would slap her across the face. Other times, her parents were accepting and willing to help her out. There were also the visions she had where they were both so speechless, they didn't say a word. Of course, the worst had been the one that had brought her father into a cardio arrest.

She hadn't even begun to think about telling them about her first pregnancy. Though, she had realized that had Lucy not screamed, she would have ended up telling her mother. However, she couldn't even begin to pan out possibly scenarios there. It was like, what was happened was meant to happen. Somehow it felt like there wasn't supposed to be any alternative situation.

Her thoughts were interrupted with a sharp pain. She grabbed her stomach, almost falling off of the chair. "Ruthie!" Robbie reacted immediately. "Are you all right?"

She nodded. "I'm…fine," she gasped out in between sharp pains.

"Ruthie, you don't look fine," Martin stated, actually sounding concerned. He leaned over and touched her shoulder. "Maybe we should take you to the hospital."

"Don't touch my sister!" Mary screeched, stepping toward her.

"I'm the father," Martin said flatly. "I have a right to be here."

Mary mumbled something that sounded along the lines of, "Not after what you did today." She set her palm on Ruthie's chin and lifted her head, looking straight into her eyes. "Ruthie, are you having contractions?"

She didn't know what contractions were. Were they what those sharp pains were? She had thought they were just really bad gas. She felt another one; with each sharp pain she felt herself sliding off of the chair.

Just as Robbie grabbed her hand, she felt like had begun peeing her pants. "Oh shit," she said out loud.

"What?" Mary, Robbie, and Martin all asked at the same time, but she didn't have to answer. The three of them could see for themselves.

* * *

**Author's Note: **There's some drama for you! Let me know what you think!


	45. Life and Death

Outside Heaven

Chapter 45

Life and Death

Her head was racing at a million miles per minute. With every contraction she had, she felt more and more powerless. Robbie and Mary, with Martin tagging along, had guided her into Robbie's car. Fifteen minutes later she found herself in a wheel chair, being rushed down a crowded hallway.

She wished to herself that the walls passing by her would slow down. Her vision had become a blur and she couldn't make out faces. Voices swirled in and out of her head, many of which she didn't recognize.

Somehow she knew that they were nearing a hospital room. "Don't worry, Ruthie, I shall stay right here with you," she heard her sister speak. "Everything is going to be fine, I promise."

_How could she promise that? _Ruthie wondered, knowing that Mary was no obstetrician or gynecologist. Even though she was a mother who had given birth twice, she couldn't possibly know if everything was going to be all right.

She was only at thirty-four weeks of gestation. Then again, Bekah had been born at twenty-eight and she had survived. Of course, Ruthie was aware that Bekah had many developmental issues. Many of them Lucy never talked about, but Ruthie was sure that they were present. Any being could tell just by looking at her. Lucy would regularly mention how well she was thriving, and that the doctors insisted she was doing better than the majority of preemies born at her gestation.

Bekah alone gave Ruthie hope. Nonetheless, she couldn't help but be worried for her twins. Groggily she would place her limp and clammy hand on her belly. A strong kick reacted back, making her feel even more confident. She was about to be a mother; for real this time. The thought didn't seem possible to fathom.

Someone was holding her hand, though she wasn't sure who it was. Though, she had a feeling it might have been Robbie. As they approached the room she head, "Robbie, go get in contact with Matt, Lucy, and whoever else you can. Let them know what's going on; that Ruthie's gone into labor," Mary instructed Robbie in a demanding voice.

Ruthie frowned listening to Mary ordering Robbie around. She had to feel sorry for Robbie, just slightly. He had been receiving orders from their family all day. It was like he had never left; like he was actually a Camden. It was hard to believe that he had been away from their family for over four years. One could not have possibly guessed.

"I'll do that," Robbie replied. She felt a warm hand stroke against her forehead; it was Robbie's, she just knew it. "You will be fine, Snookie. Keep your head up." She felt his dry lips peck her forehead, and then he was gone.

Only minutes later, she was being helped into a hospital bed. Still being disorientated, she didn't know who was in there with her. It didn't occur to her that Martin was there until she heard her sister's voice, "What do you think you are doing here?"

"Um, I think I have every right to be here. I am the father, which I think we've already established. Unless, of course, there's something Ruthie's leaving out. But this is Ruthie we're talking about," Martin established. Her throat burned with his words; he was implying that he didn't think she was a slut, and that he was the only one she had been with over the last eight months. Could he have been more wrong?

She was surprised with Martin's confidence that he was the father. If she remembered correctly, the reason all hell had gone down between them was because she had received a text message from Cedric. Chills crawled up her arms with the thought of Cedric's name. She remembered Martin taking her phone and sending that gruesome message that ended her relationship with Cedric and all of her friends from England permanently. Should she hate Martin's guts? For awhile she had felt resentment on Martin. Now, after all of that time had passed, she couldn't bring herself to hate him. It was all in the past, and they could never go back. They could only go forward. Maybe Martin had realized that also.

"Right, this is Ruthie. She happens to be my baby sister, and mind you, I did not think my baby sister would be eighteen, unwed, and pregnant either. But shit happens," Mary sneered. "Shit like you happens."

The nurse had been hooking her up to machines. Fluids had begun to pump into her, and her vision had started to become clearer. She saw Mary give Martin the look of the devil. Just as she was opening her mouth to speak, she felt a sharp contraction. "Ugh!" she grunted, her left arm had been connected to an IV so she didn't dare move it. Her left arm clasped onto her stomach.

"Ruthie?" Mary's attention instantly focused off of Martin and onto her sister. She leaped across the room and grabbed her hand. "Are you all right?"

"She just had a contraction," the nurse explained. Ruthie took a good look at the nurse for the first time. She was young, probably in her early twenties. Her blonde hair was fine and just above her ears. There was not one blemish on her smooth fair skin. She looked like one of those women the men would jump to flirt with; it surprised Ruthie that she was working in the department she was. Maybe, Ruthie figured, she was taken.

"When will this be over?" Ruthie moaned, hoping the answer would be soon. Unfortunately, she had a feeling that it wouldn't be. She could remember when her mom had the twins. It had felt like they had been at the hospital all day; and that had been her sixth delivery. She knew she had heard that with each delivery one had, the faster it went. However, both Lucy and Cecilia had somewhat fast deliveries with their first babies. Everyone was different.

"Dr. Sanderson should be in at any moment to determine how far into labor you are. He's currently contacting your doctor back in New York that Mary provided for us," the nurse explained. "You see, I'm not qualified to tell you how long it will be." She shook her head. "Though," she added, "if he can stop your labor, given you're only thirty-four weeks along, I'm sure he will. But since your water has broken, chances are he'll want to deliver the babies."

_Dr. Sanderson? _Ruthie gagged, recognizing the doctor's name. Sandy's husband or fiancée, whatever he was, was going to be delivering her babies? That was unless they stopped the labor. Even then, Ruthie was sure they wouldn't let her fly back to New York. Technically, she and Mary both knew, she shouldn't have been flying in the first place.

Her eyes fixed on Martin. His skin had become discolored. At first she thought it was because of Jonathan. It only took her a few extra moments to realize that was not it at all. "Did she say…_babies_?" Martin gasped hoarsely. "Twins, Ruthie?"

She couldn't tell if he were angry or was just in shock. To her disturbance, Mary shot toward Martin, "I see you're not as deaf as you appear." Martin's fists clamped together; he appeared to be trying to contain himself. From the looks of him, though, he didn't look like he could last much longer.

Another sharp pain that tightened her abdomen struck her. She screeched loudly. At the same time, anger rushed through her veins, to the point she could no longer contain it. "Just stop, Mary!" she yelled at the top of her lungs. "Leave him the heck alone! You're making an absolute fool of yourself!" Suddenly she felt a sense of relief; she inhaled and exhaled deeply trying to catch her breath again. Her throat burned from the yelling, but she was relieved.

Not only had she turned Mary's and Martin's heads, but she had the nurse staring at her. The room was silent for the following instants. She could feel their eyes beating on her, and her face was beating red. Sweat had begun to drip down it. It was too soon, she thought, for sweat to be rolling down her head. She remembered when her mother had given birth to the twins; her mother's face and hair had been drenched with sweat. It had looked like she had just gotten out of a pool or shower. Ruthie's throat clenched with that image inside of her head.

"So," Mary finally said, her voice was quaint and hesitant. "I see how this is." She dug her finger nails through her own hair, and her hazel eyes stared recklessly into Ruthie's dark brown coffee eyes. "I've been there for you for the last eight months, defending you when I probably shouldn't have, and this is how it is. You have me hide you from this douche, insisting that he's the 'bad guy', then he comes back just out of the blue…and you turn on me; is that how it is, Ruthie?"

Ruthie felt a large round golf-ball create itself in her throat. She tried to swallow, but she couldn't. Her sister's fiery angry eyes were embedding and staring down on her. Ruthie couldn't help but notice that the nurse's pale skin had only gotten whiter. Soon, the nurse had started to tip-toe out of the room, leaving Mary and Martin alone with Ruthie. Ruthie didn't think that was the brightest idea.

"This has nothing to do with me turning on you," Ruthie growled. "Shit…I can't believe you can even think that! Listen to yourself! Seriously, you've done nothing but try and start trouble since we've gotten here."

"That's not true!" Mary cried. Tears were streaming down her face. "I've been trying to _prevent _trouble from happening. I can see you don't appreciate my efforts though."

Ruthie shook her head. "Just leave," she mumbled. "Get out of here. I don't want you here!" She landed her unattached hand on her round hard stomach. A sharp kick poked her insides with the weight of her hand on her belly.

"What?" Mary gasped, her eyes shot toward Martin. "You would rather have _him _here than your own _sister_? Ruthie, you're not thinking clearly. Think!"

"I don't have to," Ruthie growled. "Just because I am in labor does not mean I'm incapable of making reasonable decisions. Get the hell out of here; now." Her voice was stern and solid as she fired angry looks toward her eldest sister. Mary's face flushed burnt red with her little sister's words.

"Did you hear her?" Martin growled himself. He took a few steps closer to Ruthie and grabbed her hand. "Get out of here."

Mary shook her head and uttered, "You'll regret this, Ruthie Camden. Believe me, you will." Without uttering another word, she turned around and was gone. Even though tears had begun to water up in Ruthie's eyes, she didn't feel sad at all. She didn't know why she felt bad, even though she knew she had done nothing wrong.

She found herself gripping onto Martin's hand. His hand was iced and cold, like an iceberg. He started to gently stroke her sweaty hair with his other hand. "I can't believe you did that," he whispered soothingly. "I-I thought you hated me."

Ruthie shook her head hesitantly. "I thought I did too," she murmured. Her head continued to shake. "But Mary had no right to treat you the way she did…Martin, what happened to Simon isn't your fault. If anyone is to blame, it's Mary…but don't tell her I said that."

She watched Martin shake his head with annoyance. "Oh believe me," he said with pure seriousness in his voice, "I have no intention of talking to your sister Mary anytime soon…but I have to ask…what have you told her about me to make her say what she's said to me?"

Her thoughts pounded long and hard as she tried to think of all the words she had said to Mary about Martin. Given her current condition, thoughts could not process into words. So much time had elapsed; she had lived with Mary for seven whole months. She couldn't possibly recall every word she had said to her sister, and she couldn't remember what she had said about Martin.

"I don't know," she honestly responded. "I really don't know, Martin."

Martin frowned and his fingers ran through her grimy hair again. "Oh," he murmured. "I…just don't understand why Mary hates me so much. She barely knows me. I mean, she wasn't even around when I was living with you guys, and all of a sudden she shows up bearing death wishes at me."

"I doubt she wishes you dead," Ruthie couldn't resist defending her sister a little. It was second nature for her to stand up for Mary. She had been standing up for Mary her entire life. Rumors had spread about her oldest sister across the town when she was younger, and she had spent her days explaining to people that their ideas about Mary were all wrong. Even though Ruthie knew that Mary had made many mistakes, she still loved and cared about her. After all, Mary _was _her sister. Blood was blood. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. Family never would never go away, no matter how deep the water got.

"Well, I wouldn't seem so sure about that," Martin rolled his eyes. "She's surely implied that she wishes me dead."

Ruthie shook her head. "Don't take anything Mary says to heart," she told him. "Mary's only Mary; and she'll always be Mary. I've been telling people that for years." With her words, Ruthie wondered if she had been wrong to trust Mary. In a way, she didn't think she was. After all, she did think that Mary had been honestly trying to change for the better. To Mary, she was benefiting Ruthie. However, Mary was just too far lost to realize she was doing more damage than good. She just didn't get it, and she probably never would.

Martin didn't reply to that. His hand slowly traveled to her stomach. He fixed his light green eyes on it and he shook his head. "Ruthie," he said quietly. "It seems just like yesterday I was living with you…I had convinced myself that you were like a sister to me."

"Was I?" she inquired, remembering when Martin had moved in with them three and a half years earlier. So much had changed since then. Back when he had first moved in, she had still been good friends with Peter. She had fantasized about marrying Peter; then Martin had come along. At first, she didn't think anything of him. He was just the neighbor kid who had started dating Cecilia, her brother's ex-girlfriend; then his aunt moved to New York, leaving him to be taken in by the Camdens.

Her parents had always been like that; they were always taking in teenage boys they barely knew. She could remember that foreign exchange student from France who had come and lived with them for a week or so. If she remembered right, he hadn't come to live with them by her parents' choice. The deacons at the church had volunteered him to come and stay with them. Then, a little bit afterward, there had been Robbie. Her parents had absolutely hated Robbie, yet they still took him in with the goodness of their hearts. He had become part of the family, practically like their fifth brother. Only Ruthie had developed a bit of a crush on him. All three of the Camden sisters had crushed on Robbie at one point. Lucy and Mary had actually dated him, though Ruthie knew that Mary was the only sister who had once had true romantic feelings for him. Ruthie couldn't stop wondering about how Mary felt about Robbie and Patty Mary. Surely it had to be somewhat awkward for her, considering Patty Mary was the sister of her late ex-boyfriend.

When she looked back on the teenage boys her parents had invited to live with, she realized her parents must have been mad. What kind of parents volunteered to house teenage boys when they had horny teenage girls in the same house? Obviously, her parents did. Her parents had always been somewhat funny. They had always been anxious about their daughters dating guys who didn't live in the house, but they had no problem with them dating the guys who lived _in _their house. It was funny predicament.

If she were to play the blame game, she could easily say it was her parents' fault that she had turned out the way she had. Then again, who was to say that she wouldn't have developed feelings for Martin eventually? Well, if he had moved with his aunt to New York, he wouldn't have been there for her to crush on. She couldn't play that game; she just couldn't. The game had become expired; she was too old for it.

She had been in love, in one way or another, with every guy who had lived at their house. Robbie had been her first real crush and she would always know that. Everyone thought it had been Peter, but Ruthie knew it was Robbie. She could remember being only nine-years-old and fantasizing about growing up with Robbie. That he would fall out of love with Mary and wait for her to catch up to him. One of previous had happened; he had fallen out of love with Mary. Sadly, he had not waited for her.

When she had returned from Scotland, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named had been taken in by her parents; he had replaced Robbie and Martin. For once, she had been 'old enough' to date the resident teenage boy her parents had taken in. She didn't like to think about him, but she couldn't help it. What if he hadn't moved into her house? If she hadn't been with him, so much could have been different. By then, August 2008, she could have been in a long-term relationship with Martin. Maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they had. Though, somehow, she still had the feeling she would have ended up pregnant. She was just that horny.

Maybe she wouldn't have. Had there been someone who actually loved her, not lusted her, maybe she would have waited. There she was, playing the 'what if' game. It was another game she needed to quit playing. She knew that it was time she just grew up and begin to accept life as it was. That was something she figured she would always struggle to do.

His hands froze and he lifted his hand off of her stomach. He started to twiddle his thumbs; his face had started to flush red as he was searching for words. "For awhile," he whispered hoarsely. "Yes…but as you got older…it became more of a challenge to convince myself that you were like a sister to me."

Ruthie inhaled deeply. "Same," she said quietly. "After Peter moved…that's when…you know." She couldn't bring herself to confess that _she had feelings _for him. Martin nodded his chin; she could tell they had a general understanding of what she meant.

Her heart jumped at the light knock on the door. A few seconds later a short pale figure appeared in her room. Martin flinched when he saw her. The tears on Lucy's face had dried, but her shiny blue eyes were still damp and red. "Hey," she whispered softly. "Robbie told me that I could find you here." Ruthie grunted, sighing. "How are you doing?" Lucy asked as she made her way across the room and gently stroked the sweat off of Ruthie's forehead.

"I guess I should go," Martin insisted before Ruthie could even open her mouth to answer her sister's question.

"No, you should stay," Lucy insisted, seemingly astonished at Martin's jump to leave. "You're the father, so you should be here…look, Martin. Matt told me everything that happened down in the kitchen before…you know…" Lucy sniffled and glanced toward the window. She seemed to be holding back tears. Ruthie didn't want to dare to ask how Simon was doing. Martin's eyes were also traveling around the room, reluctant to meet with Lucy's. "Martin," Lucy continued, placing her hand on Martin's shoulder. "I hope you're not blaming yourself for what happened. It's not your fault. Mary had no right to start what she did."

"Oh," Martin murmured, twiddling his thumbs. He took a deep breath. "Mary says that if anything permanent happens to Simon that she's holding me personally accountable. She says it's my entire fault…"

Lucy shook her head fiercely. "Don't take anything Mary says to heart, Martin. She's just Mary…and it's not her fault, but she's a Camden, and we Camden women tend to be a tad bit nuts at times. It's in our genes." Lucy laughed lightly, looking at Ruthie seeming to be looking for some agreement. Ruthie was only shocked that Lucy was willing to admit that. Martin also started chuckling a bit, his eyes set on Ruthie afterward. Immediately she took in what she thought he was implying.

"Excuse me!" she cried at Martin, who shrugged. "I don't like what you're implying, Martin."

He laughed. "What am I implying? I'm not implying anything…I was just thinking…I've known you since you were thirteen…"

"And?" she asked, lifting a brow.

"And… Nothing," He stopped dead. "You're no thirteen year old anymore." Martin let out a sigh and his hand touched her greasy brown hair. He gently massaged his hand down her head and kissed her forehead. "You're really sexy when you sweat," he whispered softly. She blushed, not knowing how to react to that one.

"You never did answer my question," Lucy stated, changing the subject. Somehow Ruthie got the feeling that Lucy was getting uncomfortable with the current conversation. _Is Martin hitting on me? _Ruthie pondered. _This is surely a great time for him to be. _Ruthie smiled to herself. Lucy inquired again, "How are you feeling, Ruthie?"

How was she supposed to be feeling? Her water had broken less than an hour ago, and Lucy wanted to know how she was feeling? "Well," Ruthie searched for words. "I'm all right now. I haven't had a contraction in—." Before she could finish that statement, she felt a sharp tightening pain in her lower stomach. She grunted and inhaled strongly as it passed.

Lucy laughed a little. "That's how it usually goes," she stated and quickly added, "at least from my experience – which isn't exactly a lot, unfortunately." Lucy gently rubbed her belly. "I can only hope that this time I can have a _normal _birth…that'd be nice."

Ruthie grunted. "I just wish that we could get this over with. It'd be nice if _Dr. Sanderson_ could get his ass in here. Shit, he's supposed to be talking to my doctor back in New York. How long could that take?" She had put extra emphasis on Dr. Sanderson's name on purpose. Lucy's eyes had widened wide when she had emphasized his name. Martin had only looked away, his face was pale. Ruthie realized that she was completely unaware of his relationship with his son's step-father. Though, she did remember that he had mentioned something about not feeling all too comfortable about his son calling another man, _"Daddy."_

"It's really late in New York," Lucy stated, avoiding Dr. Sanderson's name. "Like one in the morning. What if he can't get a hold of her?"

"Then I'll have to make the best decision based on my own expertise," a man's voice came as he entered the door. A tall sandy brown-haired figure appeared at the foot of her bed. His brown eyes were sincere, and all around he didn't look like a bad guy. Still, she couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. She could feel tension enter the air when Dr. Sanderson had entered the room. Martin stopped stroking her hair and stood up straight, adjusting his shoulders. Martin was just a few inches shorter than Dr. Sanderson. It seemed like Martin was trying to adjust his posture so he would be at an equal height to Dr. Sanderson. Unfortunately, his efforts appeared to fail. Dr. Sanderson turned to Martin, "You didn't tell me you were going to be a father again, Martin. If I would have known I would have offered my congratulations."

Martin flushed, turning his eyes toward Ruthie and gazing into her eyes. He didn't speak a word.

_I wish Matt were here, _Ruthie thought, putting behind her brother's harsh words earlier that evening. At this point, she would rather have just about any other doctor in the hospital—except for Dr. Cambridge. She sighed heavily. "Can we just get this over with?"

"Well, Ruthie, I couldn't get in contact with your doctor back in New York, so that leaves me with no choice other than to examine you and decide what's best for you and your babies. Frankly, though, because your water has broken and you are thirty-four weeks a long, we're probably going to have to deliver. I wouldn't worry, because it's quite normal for twins to come a few weeks early, and most babies thrive pretty well at thirty-four weeks." He was grinning disturbingly, and Ruthie didn't like the tone of his voice. She couldn't pinpoint what it was, but she wanted to pull his hair out.

Next to her, she heard Martin mumble something along the lines of, "If only we could request a different doctor…"

"What was that, Martin?" Dr. Sanderson question Martin's mumbling.

"Oh, nothing," Martin rolled his eyes. "I just thought that…you know, you weren't allowed to operate on patients who you personal conflictions with."

Dr. Sanderson gave Martin a queer look. "Conflictions, eh? I see that they're teaching you big words in college. Anyway, I highly consider this an operation. I'll only be delivering these babies, and if we have to do a C-section I'll make sure to call in for backup. No worries."

Martin clenched his fists together tightly. His face was red; the look of kill had returned to his face. "That's not what I meant," he said flatly. "I meant, isn't this a conflict of interest? You have personal…"

"I hardly consider my delivering of these babies a conflict of interest, Martin. I barely know Ruthie. In fact, I think this is our…third…encounter? I reckon I have less personal confliction with Ruthie than the rest of the doctors in this hospital; considering one happens to be her brother and the other is her uncle." Dr. Sanderson shook his head and looked at Ruthie. "Time is ticking, how far apart have your contractions been, Ruthie?"

Martin's facial expression was full of anger and annoyance. Across from him, Lucy had been keeping quiet. Ruthie knew that Lucy and Sandy were friends, so the odds were she wouldn't dare say anything to jeopardize their friendship.

Her eyes traveled over to the clock on the wall above the door. It was approaching ten o'clock. She realized that she hadn't been keeping track of her contractions at all. Ruthie shrugged, and Jonathan nodded, "Well, if you'll let me examine you, I can determine how far you are into labor." Ruthie frowned, feeling an unsettling sense of insecurity. She felt awfully uncomfortable. Before she could say anything, she felt the muscles in her stomach tightening again. "It looks like you're having another contraction," Dr. Sanderson observed. "Now, if you'll just place your legs…"

"What about Lucy's doctor?" Ruthie inquired, looking at her sister. If she remembered right, when Lucy had been pregnant with Savannah she had a female doctor who had 'gone out' with Ben. _Ben, _Ruthie's heart sunk, feeling a bit of sadness. Quickly, she moved her thoughts away from her sister's deceased brother-in-law who had been a close friend of hers. "The female one she had when she was pregnant with Savannah."

Lucy shook her head. "She remarried awhile back and moved to Maine. I haven't heard from her since. I'm actually seeing Dr. Sanderson myself now."

"…I want Matt," Ruthie demanded out of the blue; sweat was draining down her face into and out of her pores. "I need Matt here. He needs to be here…he can deliver my babies."

"Ruthie, let's be reasonable here," Dr. Sanderson calmly insisted. "I need you to cooperate with me. Cooperation will make matters a whole lot easier on both you and me."

"I – want – Matt," Ruthie pronounced her words sternly and clearly, so they could be understood efficiently. "Give – me – my – brother – _now_. I will _not _spread my legs for you, thank you very much." She gripped onto Martin's hand as another contraction came on. She realized that the last two contractions had been within two minutes of each other. They were becoming lengthier, sharper, and more painful.

"Ruthie, your contractions are becoming stronger and more frequent. We really don't have the time to mess around," Dr. Sanderson explained.

Lucy was frowning; she sighed looking at Ruthie, "Ruthie, Matt's with Simon. I didn't tell you, but he's in surgery and they're not sure if he's going to make it. I think Matt should be with Simon, don't you?"

"GIVE ME MATT, I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS ABOUT SIMON!" Ruthie barked at the top of her lungs, not even thinking about the words that were coming out of her mouth. Her throat burned from the screaming. Slimy moisture crawled down her throat and tears started to purge out of her eyes. She just wanted to be done with it all; she couldn't take it anymore. _I'm never having anymore children after this, _Ruthie told herself_, never…ever. _The pain was unendurable; she didn't understand how her mother had bore seven children. Her mother must have been nuts; absolutely nuts.

Her own ears were ringing from her screaming. Lucy had started to fiddle with her cell phone and was dialing on her dial pad, presumably Matt's number. "Hey, Matt, it's Lucy…say, I'm up with Ruthie in the maternity ward and she's asking for you" … "Uh-huh" … "That's good, right?" Lucy's tense face let out a sigh of relief; presumably she had just received good news. "Thank you, you're a life saver." She flipped her phone shut and turned to Ruthie, "Matt's on his way…and even though you don't give a rat's ass about Simon, I guess I'll tell you anyway, he just came out of surgery and apparently they were able to remove the bullet and give him a blood transfusion. Now they are just waiting for him to wake up."

Ruthie's face burned hotly. She knew she hadn't meant what she had said about not giving a rat's ass about Simon. The words had just slipped out; that seemed to happen all too often. She didn't know what she would do with herself if something critical were to happen to Simon. One thing was for sure, she knew she wouldn't be able to live with herself. Life would never be the same again. Though, she knew that her life would never be the same again after the babies were born.

"Well, he had better hurry up," Dr. Sanderson spoke flatly with a bit of attitude in his voice. His teeth curled over his lip as he was biting his lip to prevent anymore words from coming out of his mouth. He shot Martin a disgusted look; Martin shot him one right back.

A few seconds later a panting Matt barged through the door. "Ruthie, are you all right?" his words trembled out of his mouth. He plunged across the hospital floor and grabbed her hand. "Lucy said you were asking for me." His dark brown kind eyes looked down at Ruthie; he waited for her to respond. Gently, he stroked her wrist with his thumb.

"He's not delivering my babies," Ruthie immediately declared. She pointed at Dr. Sanderson. "There's no way in hell I'm not letting him touch me."

Matt lifted his brow, he looked puzzled. "Why's that, Ruthie? You'll be just fine under his coaching, Ruthie. After all, he's completed with his residency program – I still have six months left before I'm officially done with my residency." Ruthie looked at Dr. Sanderson's nametag, she remembered the last time she had seen him at the hospital he had the word "Resident" underneath his name. He no longer did.

Another sharp contraction stuck her and she reacted by grabbing Matt's hand tightly. "Please, Matt, I don't want him to touch me…" She whimpered, begging for her brother's mercy.

"Her contractions are two minutes apart," Dr. Sanderson stated. "We don't have a lot of time – if we don't get these babies out soon, we could be facing bigger problems. She won't even let me examine her, but I can guarantee that it's too late to stop the labor if I were going to even consider that.

Matt groaned sighed toward Ruthie, "Ruthie, I'll be right here with you the whole time – I promise. You and the babies will be fine. Just let Dr. Sanderson examine you."

"Yeah, Ruthie, come on…think for the sake of the babies. It can't always be all about you and what you want. You're about to be a mother. Suck it up," Lucy insisted. _Wow, what a hypocrite, _Ruthie thought about her sister. If anyone was self-conceited and thought about herself more than her babies, it was Lucy. Out of all her siblings, the last person she wanted to be lectured from was Lucy.

Ruthie moaned and grunted as she let Dr. Sanderson to examine her. She was still clinging onto Matt's hand and Martin had grabbed her other wrist.

She spread her legs and closed her eyes as Dr. Sanderson examined her. A few moments later he said, "It looks like you're already ten centimeters dilated…the first baby is beginning to crown. Unfortunately, this means that it's too late for an epidural. You're going to have to push." Ruthie grunted as she felt the tightening of her lower stomach again. "Normally I would check the babies' heart beats before delivering, but it's too late – you have to push now, Ruthie."

Her eyes gazed into her brother's, then Martin's. As she inhaled deeply, she felt the sharpest contraction yet. "Ruthie, push," Matt said softly. She breathed in and out. Her head was spinning as she gave the strongest push she could. She gazed at the clock; time seemed to be twirling by faster and faster. The contractions became more intense and the eleven o'clock hour was arriving.

"Just one more push, Ruthie…just one more push," Dr. Sanderson told her assuredly. She grunted and searched for air. Closing her eyes, she searched for the energy within her to manage one more push. Before she knew it, she was pushing with every ounce of energy she had left. She released her lungs and what she saw next was a miracle in her eyes.

A small baby was pulled out of her. She could see its red skin as Dr. Sanderson lifted the baby up. A loud cry could be heard. Ruthie shot a glance at the clock; it was eleven fifty-eight in the evening.

"We have a little girl!" he announced and turned to Martin. "Would you like to cut the cord?" he looked at Martin, whose face was in shock as his eyes set on the naked little baby. Hesitantly, Martin took the scissors from Dr. Sanderson's hand and snipped the cord off of the little baby. He brought the little girl over to her and Ruthie looked at the small face; her eyes were squinted shut, so Ruthie couldn't see the baby's eye color. The little girl had wispy light brown hair. She was absolutely adorable.

"You're doing great," Matt insisted, stroking Ruthie's forehead. She looked over at the little bundle she had just given birth to. _I'm a mother, _she thought in absolute disbelief. A roar of crying came from across the room. _That's my little girl, _she realized. For the first time since she had begun pushing, she noticed two nurses standing by her baby. She couldn't recall having seen them enter the room. They must have snuck in.

Dr. Sanderson returned to her and announced, "I'm going to check the position of the second baby." She inhaled as she felt another contraction. _Will this ever be over? _Her thoughts murmured. _You're half way done, Ruthie, _she told herself, as she tried to keep her own hopes up.

She watched Dr. Sanderson's face grimace. "Jonathan, what's wrong?" Matt noticed the face on Dr. Sanderson's face. "Is something wrong with the second baby?"

"She's breeched," Dr. Sanderson responded. _She, _Ruthie took note to – the second baby was a girl also. _I'm soon going to have two little girls_.

"Well, that's not a big deal, is it?" Ruthie groaned, remembering one of the twins had been in breech position. "Is it? You can just turn it around, right? That's what Uncle Hank did when he was delivering Sam and David. That's what my mom told me."

Dr. Sanderson shook his head. "That is an option, yes. But I've been advised against it. I once had an instructor tell me that when you do that, you increase the risks for brain damage."

Matt was nodding his head. "I was told that also."

"Brain damage!" Ruthie gasped, grabbing her brother's wrist. "Do something, Matt! My baby can't have brain damage."

"I don't generally like to do this, but I think it's for the best in this situation. I would recommend we do a C-section," Dr. Sanderson, seeming to be looking at Matt for his approval. His tone had suddenly changed. It was a concerned one, rather than a, 'I'm right and that's that' tone. Ruthie couldn't figure out why he was looking for Matt's approval. Matt was a resident, Dr. Sanderson had finished his residency.

"Yeah, that's what I would do too," Matt agreed. He seemed to take note to the concerned look on Ruthie's face. "Don't worry, Ruthie. Everything's going to be fine…this happens all of the time." He took note to the raising of Dr. Sanderson's eyebrow. Matt sighed, correcting himself, "Okay, well, not all of the time. But I have experienced it twice before."

"Uh, I'm going to go get Dr. Hastings…for back up," Dr. Sanderson insisted, running quickly out of the room.

Ruthie found her free hand landing over her stomach, where her last remaining baby was. The nurses had taken the first baby away to get her hooked up on oxygen. "I'll bring her back soon, I promise," the nurse had said as she left.

Lucy's eyes were wandering around the room and they fixed on Matt's. "Matt," she asked seriously. "Why is he suddenly acting so nervous? Is there something he's not telling us?"

"I don't know," Matt shook his head. "He did look nervous…" Suddenly, Matt looked anxious himself. "But we are supposed to go for backup when we deliver by C-section."

"If something happens to my baby, I'll personally see to it that that man never lives it down," Martin growled, stroking Ruthie's grimy face "Ruthie, you're doing great. And she's beautiful…I can't believe she's ours."

Tears started to chuck out of Ruthie's eyes. "I can't believe she's ours either," Ruthie said. _What if she's not ours? _She thought for the first time; somehow, she had managed to convince herself that the twins were Martin's. Over the last hours she had found his affection for her driving her to accept him as the father. In a way, he seemed excited; like he was excited to be a father. Not too long ago, she remembered him saying that he _couldn't _have another baby. _What if they're not his? He'll kill me. _There she was, leading him to believe that they were his. A year ago, she would have died for him to believe that her baby was his. Now, there was an actual chance that they could be, but there was just as much of a chance that they weren't. She was so confused and didn't know what to think.

The continuing contractions didn't help. Her head ached and burned. Dr. Sanderson returned minutes later, followed by Dr. Hastings. Ruthie's eyes shot up at the clock again. It was a quarter after twelve, and for the first time Ruthie realized that her daughters were going to have different birthdates; August third and August fourth.

"Hey there, Ruthie," her uncle smiled. "It looks like breeched runs in your family – well, we're not taking any risks today, so we're going to have to begin a C-section. First, we're going to have to move you down the hallway." She didn't want to move, but she had wasted all of her extra energy fighting for a different doctor. Gently, they helped her to a rolling table.

The walls passed quickly as she was rolled down the hallway. She felt like she was on some crazy rollercoaster. The way her head was spinning, she couldn't have known any different.

She heard her uncle say, "If we could only have one of you in the room, that'd be great. Technically you weren't all supposed to be in there earlier."

"But Hank—," Matt began.

"—especially you, Matt; you know better."

"I asked for him," Ruthie spoke hoarsely; she was beginning to feel very sleepy. She just wanted to close her eyes and fall asleep. Soon, she had stopped listening to what was being said. She watched Matt and Lucy leave the room. Despite how much she wanted to cry out and tell them to stay, she didn't have the energy.

They numbed her and she tried to relax. Still, the notion of her stomach being cut up was still in her mind. It was hard to relax when your stomach was being cut in two and dug into. Fortunately, she didn't have to see it. They lived a sheet over her face so she didn't have to look at her own guts.

She felt pressure on her stomach; it was like someone was pressing tightly on her stomach. There was no pain, simply because she was numbed. The pressure made her feel slightly nauseous.

Looking into Martin's eyes was her only distraction. They were kind and sincere, though he did not dare look the other way. He stroked her wrist in a massaging way through the whole process. His stroke was relaxing, and she could have easily have fallen asleep.

Just as her eyes started to drift, she heard a cry; this one was louder than the one she had heard before. Her eyes widened, and she saw another little face being held before her. The little one's hair was darker than the other little girl's. She was also a little smaller; Ruthie had thought the other little girl was small. They couldn't be more than three or four pounds. Ruthie lifted her tall finger up and stroked in against the little girl's arm. "You're mine," she whispered, "My little girl."

They took her away, and Ruthie's throat clotted up as she watched her daughter be taken away from her. She didn't want them to take her away; she wanted to hold her. Her eyes glanced at the clock; it was just a quarter before one. She had only gone through the labor process for four and a half hours. Many women probably considered her lucky.

Dr. Sanderson sewed her up and a couple of nurses brought her back to her room. They had said that they would bring the babies back when they were ready, but Ruthie must have fallen asleep before they had gotten back. She didn't remember falling asleep, but the next time her eyes opened the clock read six o'clock. Her body flinched awake when she saw the clock.

It took her a few moments to realize what had just happened. Her hand clasped over her deflating stomach. She remembered the pain and agony she had gone through the night before, giving birth, and looking into the eyes of her small precious angels. Her eyes were mattered and she was sore from head to toe. She felt like she had just finished running a marathon, then passed out.

Her eyes searched around the room, and she was surprised with what she saw on the couch Martin and Lucy were passed out on the couch next to each other, but Matt was nowhere in sight. An itch tingled in her nose, and Ruthie lifted her left arm to scratch it. That was when she realized that her left arm was still connected to the machines. She felt a tingle of pain in her arm as the needle had been budged.

"Ruthie?" she heard a whisper from the couch. Ruthie jerked her head over, where she saw Lucy had woken up. Quietly, apparently trying not to wake up Martin, Lucy released herself from the couch and tip-toed over to Ruthie's bed. "Hey, how are you feeling?" Lucy whispered softly.

"Sore," Ruthie murmured.

Lucy smiled lightly, nodding. "Yeah, I can imagine you are. You had to have it in both areas…it only makes sense."

Just then, Ruthie remembered what had happened before she had gone into labor. She also remembered the harsh words she had spoken that last night. "How's Simon?" Ruthie asked in a whispering voice; she didn't want to wake Martin if she didn't have to. He deserved to sleep too.

Lucy's lips curved up as she smiled. "Matt actually spent the night in the waiting room with Cecilia; he woke up about four in the morning, and according to Matt he's thriving really well. He has no apparent permanent damage."

Ruthie felt relieved. She couldn't imagine how awful she would feel if something life-changing had come out of Simon's situation. "That's good," Ruthie whispered. "And you and Kevin?"

She watched Lucy's face grimace, and she shook her head. "I haven't spoken to him…I guess I don't know what I'm going to say to him. Partially I feel like part of this is my fault. You know, I did tell him he could keep the gun in the house…"

"Why?" Ruthie's immediate reaction was. She knew that Lucy wasn't a big fan of guns, so why would she have suddenly changed her mind?

Lucy shook her head. "He's a cop, cops have guns, right? I thought my husband knew how to responsibly use a gun, you know? I also thought we would be safer in case of a burglar. He had it locked up, and even though we have young kids in the house, I trusted Kevin to keep it locked away and safe."

"You know," Ruthie said slowly, "it's not your fault – because if I were you, I would have done the same thing…that's how I felt about it too…until what happened to Simon."

Her sister nodded her head. "Kevin and I will have to have a long discussion about this gun thing…this is not happening again." Ruthie slowly nodded her head; in the corner of her eyes she watched Martin stir in his sleep. "So," Lucy continued, Ruthie predicted a change of subject coming. "Have you decided on the names for your daughters? They are absolutely adorable…the nurses brought them in earlier, but you were out cold and they didn't want to wake you."

Ruthie's lip curled over her teeth; she realized that she hadn't decided on names. She hadn't even known the genders of the twins until that morning. "No," she answered flatly. "I haven't."

"Well, they need names…I'll help you think of some?" Lucy suggested; she must have taken note to where Ruthie's eyes were set. "Oh, we could wait until Martin's awake – he should have a say, I guess." There was a hint of excitement in Lucy's voice, like she was actually happy for Ruthie. Somehow, it surprised Ruthie. She had expected Lucy to condemn her, but she had done just the opposite.

"I'm up," a groggily voice came from the couch. Ruthie watched Martin take a glance at his watch as he sat up straight. "Holy crap, it's only six in the morning!" he cried. "This is really cutting into my summer beauty sleep; I'm not supposed to be seen out of bed before noon!"

Lucy and Ruthie burst into laughter. "Well, Martin, with children that tends to change – though, you would know that having Aaron, wouldn't you?" Lucy inquired.

"Well, he usually doesn't stay the night with me," Martin admitted. "So, I guess I wouldn't really know…and when he does, my dad graciously takes care of him during the night."

Lucy lifted her brow. "Well, I hope that you'll be more active in your daughters' lives," she winked, looking back and forth between Ruthie and Martin. Martin smiled weakly. "Uh-hem," Lucy coughed, "maybe I should leave you two alone…I know Martin has something he wants to say to you, Ruthie…we can choose names later." She quickly disappeared.

"Um, what was that about?" Ruthie inquired after her sister had disappeared. She gave Martin a curious look as she waited for answers. He sighed, walking across the room. His cold hands set on hers.

"Ruthie," he whispered softly. "Last night after you fell asleep, I had a little chat with Lucy…and, well, I came to some conclusions."

"Oh?" she asked. "What would those be?"

He exasperated a loud sigh. "Well," he spoke slowly and full of uncertainty. "Ruthie, I know we haven't had the easiest year…and I know I haven't been the nicest to you, and we've been through lots of ups and downs, more downs really." He paused to catch his breath. She continued to listen contently, waiting for the catch. "I guess I've been a bit of a jealous contentious jerk."

"Yeah, I guess," Ruthie nodded, still waiting for the chase.

"Hey, you're not supposed to agree with me!" he cried and laughed a bit, then added quickly, "Even if it is true…I guess you can agree with me." She smiled weakly into his dazzling eyes. "Anyway," Martin continued, "I guess you want me to cut to the chase…Ruthie Camden, the truth is, I'm madly in love with you, and I've never stopped being madly in love with you. And after seeing our daughters, I don't think I could ever leave you…Ruthie…I want to be there for you. I want to help you raise our daughters; I want us to live together…as one family."

Her heart was pounding inside her chest so fast and hard with his earnest words. At first she couldn't believe what he had just said, and she didn't know what to say. When she thought of it, she couldn't imagine raising a family in any other way. Children needed a mother and a father; that was how she had been raised, and she couldn't imagine it being any other way. How could she deny his offer? With that offer, she knew she could not just come out and tell him there was a possibility that the babies might not be his. There was no way. She just couldn't.

"I…want that too," she said quietly. "Oh, Martin," she cooed as her free arm flung around Martin, and he scooped her up with both of his arms. Their lips pressed together tightly and fires flew. She felt like she was at the end of a fairy tale; like she was at the perfect ending to her fairy tale.

Before another word could be spoken, there was a light knock on the door. Two nurses came in, each were strolling a small see-through cradle. Next to the cradles were two oxygen rollers. Each baby was connected to the oxygen through their nose. "Your sister said that you were awake," the nurse on the right smiled.

"You were asleep when we brought them down earlier, and we decided it was best to let you get your rest. You had a late night," the other said.

"Would you like to hold your little girls?" asked the other. Ruthie nodded hesitantly. Gently, the nurses lifted the little girls up from their cradles and place them each in Ruthie's arms. Two small heads rested against Ruthie's chest. Their skin was warm, soft, and wrinkled. Immediately, Ruthie couldn't help but notice how the little girl on her right arm had a darker olive complexion that the baby with the lighter hair on her left. She knew that the baby on her left had been born first.

That was the first indication, but not the only. They had ankle bracelets around them, both were matching pink. Though, the one's on the left read, "Baby A," there was a space where the nurses would write her name. The one on the right read, "Baby B."

"Now, we're going to need you to sign the birth certificates, and have you decided on the names?" one of the nurses asked.

Ruthie shook her head hesitantly. "Actually, we were just going to decide that…"

"Oh, okay, well we'll let you do that," the other nurse said, and the two disappeared.

They just left her with the two frail bodies on her chest. She thought there should be some law against leaving a new mother alone with two innocent lives. Here she was, fully responsible for them. They were all hers; and their lives were literally in her hands.

"So," Martin whispered softly. "What do we want to name our daughters?"

She hadn't even contemplated names. Every time she tried to, she would always get side-tracked. "I don't know…I think we should give them the same initials," she said. "Yeah, they should have the same initials."

"Okay then," Martin nodded his head. "Then we need decide on a letter of the alphabet."

"C," Ruthie said out of the blue, without even thinking. "Yes…C, their first names should begin with C!"

"Caitlin?" Martin asked.

"Eh, no, too common…I think we should go with more uncommon names – but not _too _uncommon. I mean, I don't want something like Condoleezza."

Martin chuckled. "This was a lot easier with Sandy…she wanted to name him after someone on my side of my family, so we ended up going with my grandfather."

"I don't want to name them after anyone! I hate when parents name their children after them or their grandparents or whatever. Those names are so expired. Look at mine; _Ruthie…_ It's so 1920s."

"You are a lot more complicated than Sandy, though," Martin admitted; Ruthie raised her eyebrows. He added quickly, "And that's what I love about you…hmm…how about Carin?"

"Car-in?" she repeated the name slowly, breaking it up. "That's a funny name…I don't think I have ever heard it before. I've heard Karen, that's Kevin's mom's name…but not _Car_in."

"There was a girl who I went to middle school with named Carin … I always thought it was a pretty name…"

"Was she pretty?"

Martin blushed a bit. "Maybe a little...okay, so I had a crush on her pretty much the entire seventh grade."

"I see how it is…" Ruthie insisted, stroking her daughters' arms gently. The girls' eyes were closed; they were sleeping. There was a feeling in Ruthie's chest that she just couldn't get rid of. It wasn't painful, and it wasn't sad. It was actually a good feeling; a feeling that she didn't want to go away.

"Okay, then I suppose that Carin's a no…" Martin murmured.

"I like Cari," Ruthie stated. "If we named her Carin, she could go by Cari…I like Carin Jo."

"Carin Jo," Martin repeated. "Why Carin Jo?"

"For some reason I've always had a thing for the initials 'C.J.'," Ruthie stated. "I like them…let's name her Carin Jo."

"Okay," Martin was in agreement. "Which one should be Carin Jo?"

"Hmm…this one," Ruthie gently lifted the little girl in her left arm. "This is Cari; Carin Jo Brewer." Martin smiled when he heard her speak his last name. "And…" she continued. "For some reason, I've always wanted to call my child _Candy_."

"Candy?" Martin chuckled. "You're kidding, right?"

Her face was straight and serious; there was no joke in her bones. "Candice..." Ruthie said. "She could be _Candi_, with an 'I.'"

"Candice," Martin repeated. "I like that…I'm sorry I laughed. Candi…I could get accustomed to that…Candice Jean?"

"Candice Jean," Ruthie repeated slowly. "I like that…like the sounds of that." Out of the blue, the door opened and two figures appeared at the door. She looked up and saw Lucy and Robbie.

"All right, we're here for naming!" Lucy chirped. Martin and Ruthie looked at each other, and both burst out laughing. "Okay, what's so funny?" Lucy demanded.

"Well, you're a little too late…" Ruthie trailed. "We just finished."

"What!" Lucy cried. "You're kidding, right?" Martin and Ruthie shook their heads with seriousness. "Dang, well. Hmph, then I'm not letting you help name my daughter!" Lucy rubbed her belly.

"That's fine with me," Ruthie laughed. "I think I've had enough baby-naming for…well, ever."

"That's what you say now," Lucy winked. "Wait until you're a little bit older and decide you want to have another baby."

Ruthie coughed. "I'm not having any more children, thank you very much."

"Uh-huh, that's what you say now," Lucy winked. "I thought that too for awhile…but then Savannah started to grow up, and every time I saw a baby pass me in the supermarket I couldn't not coo and think how adorable babies are. Ruthie, you'll be back here."

"I don't think so," Ruthie raised her eyebrows. "I'm not you, I have self control." As soon as she had said that, she realized how wrong she was. If she had self-control, she wouldn't have been in the position she was at that point and time. Had she had self-control, she wouldn't have the two precious angels in her arms right then and there. Cari and Candi wouldn't exist.

"Uh-hem," Lucy coughed, and Ruthie raised her eyebrows. Robbie was just standing there quiet and calm, looking down at the two little girls.

"Well, if you don't have any more children I think it'll be a shame," Robbie admired the two little girls. "You make absolutely adorable babies…looking at them almost makes me want to have another baby."

"How does Patty Mary feel about that?" Ruthie inquired curiously.

Robbie laughed. "She wants to wait a few years, at least until Cam's out of diapers and can take care of himself a little bit...and of course, after she gets settled in her new job. You see, she transferred here to be closer to Kevin and her nieces. We're still house-searching."

Ruthie's jaw dropped. "T-That's great!"

"Uh-hem," Lucy coughed again. "Names, please?"

Ruthie heaved a sigh, and gently pointed her nose to her left arm. "This is Carin Jo Brewer," she spoke, and then pointed her nose to her right arm, "And this is Candice Jean Brewer."

"Those are…adorable names!" Lucy cooed. "Maybe it's a good thing you didn't let me help you, I think you did a fine job all by yourself." Ruthie blushed with her sister's compliment. Before another word could be spoken, footsteps could be heard just outside of the door. Matt entered the room.

"Hey, I see you're awake," he smiled. "How's it going?"

"It's going," Ruthie answered. "How's Simon doing?"

"Well," Matt nodded. "Cecilia's in with him now. He wants to see Madi, but she's not allowed back there because she could contain germs since she's so young…how are my new nieces doing?" He smiled weakly as he walked over toward the rest of the clan and the babies. "Did you decide on the names?"

"Carin Jo and Candice Jean," Lucy answered, before Ruthie could even her mouth.

Matt nodded his head, "Cute." His eyes were watering, like he had just finished cutting up onions. Ruthie realized that he wasn't there just because of the babies.

"Matt…you're not here because of the babies, are you?" she asked quietly.

He shook his head. "No, Ruthie. I'm not…they're pulling the plug in an hour…I'm supposed to wheel you up to see her. If you would like, I could go get a nurse to take the babies away for a bit."

Ruthie nodded solemnly in agreement, knowing it was for the best. The nurses came back and took the babies back to the NICU. Matt gently rolled Ruthie over to the elevator, where they went up a floor to the critical care unit. Lucy, Robbie, and Martin were also with them. She felt so weak and tired she looked around the hallway. Several nurses and doctors would wave at them as they would pass; Ruthie assumed that Matt knew them.

She didn't have to guess which room was her mother's. It was the room that had a line of people standing outside of it. The Hamiltons were standing outside; Patricia Hamilton was burst into tears. Also there were Roxanne and Chandler. Roxanne looked incredibly tired, like she could drop at any moment.

Lynn waved when she saw Ruthie. "Hey, Ruthie!" she whispered and ran over to her. She wrapped her arms around Ruthie, still in the wheel chair. "I'm so sorry about your mom," she murmured, frowning. "I heard you had your babies, though."

"Yeah," Ruthie replied, her throat was full of moisture from all of the fluids that had been pumped into her. Before she had left, they had unhooked her from all of the machines. "Two little girls, they're adorable."

"I can't wait to see them," Lynn smiled. "But I guess now's not the time…"

Ruthie shook her head frowning. Matt continued to push her into the room. From the doorstep of the room a chilling feeling entered her nervous system. The smell of death could be smelled from the first entrance. Sobs were heard; she saw her Aunt Julie standing at the bedside. Erica and Nolan were nowhere in sight; Ruthie could understand that her aunt wouldn't want her children to see their aunt in her current condition.

Matt rolled Ruthie closer to their mother. Her muscles were still sore, but she bent over her mother's bedside and looked into her mother's pale, blank eyes. A strong beeping sound came from the heart monitor that was hooked up to her mother. It was in rhythm and in beat; and even though her mother's heart continued to beat, Ruthie could tell that her mother was long gone. Her face was pale and motionless, and her eyes stared into outer space. She wasn't the mother who had spent every evening baking cookies for them, or the mother who had done their laundry every day. Ruthie's stomach felt sick when she saw her mother like that. It hurt her to know that Annie Camden would never know Candice and Carin. She would never know Josh, Madi, or Bekah; and she would never meet any of her future grandchildren. Ruthie was certain she would have lots. It was inconceivable.

"Goodbye, Mommy," Ruthie uttered as she felt a hand grab her shoulder behind her. She flinched, and bent her head behind her. There she saw Lily, her mother's half-sister. She hadn't been around much over the last years, and Ruthie had honestly forgotten that she existed. "Oh hi," she whispered.

"You're Ruthie, right?" the white haired fifty-something year old woman asked kindly. "You just had twins, didn't you?" Ruthie nodded, wondering how she had heard that. "Your brother, Matt, called me last night and told me what was going on last night. He felt horrible for not contacting me before, but it is better late than never, right?" she smiled. "Anyway…this is for you." She held a small pink gift bag in her hand, which she handed to Ruthie.

"Oh…you shouldn't have," she whispered, remembering she hadn't even had a baby-shower. That was something she had never discussed with Mary. She had figured Mary had decided she didn't need a baby shower since Mary was planning on just handing down all of her baby stuff. _So much for that, _Ruthie figured, as she realized she didn't see Mary around anywhere.

"I had to get you a little something, right? You're my niece after all, though we barely know each other. That's partly my fault, I haven't been around near as much as I should…life's busy." The woman kindled a smile. Ruthie glanced inside the bag, where she saw two baby outfits. "Your brother told me you had twin girls," Lily explained.

Family members and friends continued to come in and out to offer their goodbyes to Annie Camden. Ruthie continued sitting there in her chair, watching people leave. Lucy and she sat in the corner of the room; tears were rolling down Ruthie's face. "Psst, Lucy," Ruthie whispered. She grabbed Lucy's attention. "Where's Mary?"

Lucy sighed. "Matt told me that he talked to Kevin last night, and apparently Mary came in last night and grabbed the kids and left…we can assume she went back to New York."

_Figures, _Ruthie thought. She should have known; that was so Mary. Mary could never handle any sort of thing outside her jurisdiction. She couldn't handle anyone saying a word against her. Mary would always be Mary, and sadly, she was far beyond any fixing point.

Their time was almost up when another figure wheeled in. "Hey, look who made it," the blond haired man spoke. His arm was wrapped up and he wore a hospital robe. Since she had last seen him, he had regained some color in his face. Still, he was very pale. He looked very sleepy.

"Simon!" Ruthie and Lucy both cried at the same time. Immediately, Ruthie started to roll herself over toward Simon, who had been rolled in by his wife. She reached her arms around and wrapped her arms around Simon's neck.

"Easy, easy," Simon smiled laughingly, and Ruthie let go. "So, you are no longer Prego, I see," Simon laughed. "Matt told me I have two new nieces."

"Carin Jo and Candice Jean," Lucy said the girls' names again. Ruthie was beginning to wonder if Lucy just liked saying their names.

"Cute names," Simon nodded. Cecilia started to roll his chair away from Ruthie, where he faced his mother. He started to make sobbing sounds as he reached his good arm out to touch his mother softly. Not a word came out of his mouth. Ruthie assumed that he was saying his goodbyes privately.

Suddenly the room became dead quiet. A doctor had entered and said, "It's time." Nobody spoke or said a word. Sniffles could be heard within the room, and tears were rolling from Ruthie's own eyes. They all bent their heads and were lead in prayer by Lucy.

"Oh Heavenly Father," Lucy began, like she had rehearsed this prayer many times in her head. "Today Annie Camden, loving mother, grandmother, and friend is to join you in your Heavenly paradise. We ask that you guide her in her way and take good care of her. In Jesus name we pray, Amen."

"Amen," everyone in the room chorused.

The doctor slowly started to unplug her monitors. "It'll only be a matter of time now," the doctor spoke. Just as the machines were unplugged, a loud scream roared. Ruthie jumped, her eyes set on her mother; she could only pray that it had.

It only took a minute for her to realize that it had not been her mother at all. Eyes were fixed behind her, on Roxanne. "I…I think my water broke!" Roxanne screeched.

_Talk about perfect timing, _Ruthie thought, reflecting back on the last twenty-four hours. Three babies were about to be born, and soon her mother would be dead. Life and death were funny aspects of life. Everyone was born, and everyone died. Life and death were actually quite simple concepts; the true challenge came in filling the _in between _space.

* * *

**Author's Note: ***breathe* - Here proclaims the longest chapter yet; it's over 11,000. No, it's not the last chapter; not yet. This just ends an 'era' in _Outside Heaven_. The next chapter will deem a new one. Oh yeah, hopefully I have turned some Marthie heads.


	46. Pride

Outside Heaven

Chapter 46

Pride

Over four years had passed since that fateful August day. Ruthie had witnessed many changes in her life, and her family's. Eight hours after her mother's life support was removed, she was gone. Exactly two minutes after Annie Camden had officially passed on to the next life; Roxanne gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Cassidy Hope. The little girl would share a birthday with Candice.

A few weeks or so later, everyone would all return back to their homes; though Ruthie had known then that she would never return to her normal everyday life. She now had two extra lives to care for. Even though Cari and Candi were three weeks premature, they had thrived just like normal babies. Their lungs had been slightly undeveloped, though they were removed from their oxygen only two days after they were born. They remained in the hospital for five more days, so nurses and doctors could observe them carefully. Exactly one week after the girls had entered the world, the twins were released from the hospital.

The only problem was Ruthie had no real home. Martin would visit the girls with her every single day. He stood by her side and held her hand as she rocked each of the little girls in her arms. His eyes would gaze into hers with life. For the first time in a long time, Ruthie had honestly felt loved. There was no way in a million years she was going to tell him that the twins may not be his.

She had been so focused on her own babies; that the rest of the world around her seemed to be a cloud. Lynn and several of the rest of the family's friends had stopped by to take a glimpse at the girls. Lucy had graciously offered her a baby shower just days after the girls' return home. She had been showered with just about anything she could imagine. Also, Lucy had offered her many of the extra baby clothing she had lying around. Cari and Candi were not near as small as Bekah had been when she was born, though they were smaller than Savannah had been at birth.

Simon was released from the hospital on the same day the twins were. He spent a few days with Cecilia and her parents recuperating; then he returned with his wife and daughter to London. Simon hadn't said much to Ruthie or Lucy. Kevin had sincerely apologized for what had happened; Simon had told him not to sweat it, that it was an accident, and not to worry about it. On the other hand, Simon had not spoken a word to Martin. Martin had tried to apologize, but Simon had blown him off.

Despite Simon's acceptance of Kevin's apology, that didn't stop the station from finding out about Kevin's mishap. Even with Kevin's stupendous reputation as a police officer, that didn't prevent Chief Michaels from suspending Kevin from the police force. Kevin had been devastated. Though, he insisted he was grateful to have more time to spend with his daughters.

With all that had happened that August, Ruthie had been reluctant to notice the absence of a vital member of the family. It wasn't until a week after Candi and Cari had come home to the parsonage, where Lucy was graciously allowing them to stay, Ruthie noticed her absence. She immediately assumed the worst, and when she asked Lucy about the furry white dog, her worst fear was confirmed. Happy had been passed away that previous July, just a few weeks before the whole family had come home.

_Poor Simon, _Ruthie had thought, reflecting back on the day they had gotten Happy. She remembered sitting at the kitchen table, eating with her family. Simon had been pestering their parents for a dog for days. She could still see him bowing his head and tagging onto the end of his prayer, _"If there really is a God, I know you'll find a way to get me that dog I've been asking for." _

_If there really is a God, _the thought had pounded in Ruthie's head on more than one occasion during her lifetime. She remembered a time she had actually said out loud that she didn't believe in God. She had found out that "Snappy" was fake, which led her to assume further assumptions. _"You know what?" _she could remember telling her father_. "I don't believe in God, either!" _She had only been six or seven, but she knew with those words she had crushed her father's heart. Her father, Eric Camden, had always had such a firm relationship with God; hearing his own flesh and blood indicate she didn't believe in God had to hurt.

Simon had winded up getting his dog, which meant there had to be a God, right? _"There's no way Mom would have gone to the pound by herself," _she remembered Simon saying. He had made an interesting point, which Ruthie found herself reflecting on more and more as the days passed by. God worked in mysterious ways.

She came to believe that further more after she became a mother. While she understood that she had entered motherhood prematurely, she didn't regret it. Many sleepless nights followed the birth of her daughters, but she was blessed with Lucy, Kevin, and even Martin's help. Also, when Matt and Sarah were off, they would put in their best effort to help her out. On top of that, she would trade off baby-sitting nights with Roxanne and Chandler. They had become lifesavers.

Even with all of the help she had received, she knew that she had to get a job of her own. Martin returned to college three weeks after the twins' birth. He was in his junior year, and wanted Ruthie and the girls to move in with him. Of course, that meant he would have to forfeit his dorm, and have to move into the family housing apartments which were provided on campus.

In October of 2008, he went to apply for campus family housing. Whilst reading over the family housing rules, in the fine print they discovered that family housing was for married couples only. Immediately Martin had insisted they tie the knot. Ruthie was hesitant at first, still cradling her dark secret down in the black pit of her heart.

Pushing her secret deeper in her heart, she tied the knot. On October 31st 2008, Halloween, she became Mrs. Martin Brewer. Her wedding band tied her to Martin until death do them part; and the knots in her stomach would only get tighter as the years passed.

A few weeks after the wedding, Lucy gave birth to her third daughter, Moriah Adele Kinkirk. Moriah was Lucy's first official uncomplicated pregnancy. She hadn't even had to go on bed rest with her, and she made it past her full-term at thirty-eight weeks. Lucy was proud of herself.

While the family had been brought joy with Moriah's entrance to the world, a few weeks later, Lucy and Kevin had a scare. They had woken up in the middle of the night to Bekah shaking uncontrollably. The sixteen month old was rushed to the hospital, where doctors said she was having a seizure. They were told given her history, it was normal for children born under her circumstances to have seizures. The doctors sedated her, and fortunately the little girl suffered no permanent damage. Unfortunately, doctors warned Lucy and Kevin that she may suffer from seizures in the future.

Unfortunately, she did. Her next seizure occurred during Christmas 2008. Simon and Cecilia had come for the holiday with Madi, as had Carlos and the children. Naturally, Mary hadn't shown her face. Ruthie hadn't heard from her since the day the girls were born, and apparently neither had Lucy.

That January, the twins and she moved in with Martin on his campus. Since there was daycare available on campus, she was able to get a job at a local restaurant waiting tables during the day. It paid only minimum wage, but at least she had tips on top of that.

Also that January, Ruthie had heard, John and Priscilla had welcomed a healthy baby boy into their family of girls. He was named Ramsey John Hamilton. She hadn't heard much from the Hamiltons. Lynn had not contacted her since she had stopped by and seen the girls in the hospital. Ruthie couldn't blame her; surely with Law school she was busy.

Come spring 2009, Ruthie received word through the grape vine of another tying of the knot. Mac and Margaret had eloped to Vegas and said their vows. Margaret was taking classes at some school in the Midwest, so the couple was not seen from often. Though, Ruthie would read an occasional Facebook update from Mac. She had the feeling that children were not in their immediate future.

When summer came around, and Martin didn't have classes, they went back to Glen Oak for the summer. Ruthie decided to take a couple of summer classes at Crawford, hoping to get some of her general education out of the way, so some day she could pursue a degree in Elementary Education, or even Psychology. She was still unsure with what she wanted to do with her life, but having some credits on her transcript made her feel accomplished.

Fall and Martin's senior year rolled around, and Ruthie's plans of continuing her education dawdled on. She worked hard, and took care of the girls. They had celebrated their first birthdays in Glen Oak with their little friend, Cassi Hampton.

Time passed on, and Martin graduated with bachelor's degrees in Economics and Political Science come the spring of 2010. They were no longer allowed campus housing, thus had to move off campus. For various reasons, they opted not to move back to Glen Oak. Instead, they moved to a town about an hour out of Glen Oak. Shortly after, Martin got a job working in an attorney's office. He made enough money to support Ruthie and the two girls, so Ruthie got to play the _stay at home mom._

Also in the spring of 2010, Simon and Cecilia departed from England, where they had lived for nearly three years. Moving back to Glen Oak was nowhere in their plans, though. The couple moved with their daughter to St. Louis, where Simon's company was headquartered. He didn't change companies, just locations. That way, he was based in the United States. They were closer to the family, which resulted in more frequent visits, but they were still far enough away. Granted, it was still a thirty hour drive. The flight time was remarkably different, though; it was three hours compared to eleven hours.

Candi and Cari were growing so fast and rapidly. Together, they were adorable, but looking at them Ruthie couldn't help but think they couldn't be more fraternal. Cari had dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. Her skin was much paler than her sister's. Whereas Candi's hair was dark brown, like Martin's and hers; she had a tanner complexion, and her eyes were brown. Martin never questioned the girls' difference, but Ruthie often found herself insisting that Cari must have received recessive genetics from her side of the family. After all, Simon, Sam, and David were all blondes with light eyes.

It was more than plausible, and Ruthie hoped that was just it. After all, Bekah had red hair, and Savannah and Moriah were both blondes. Though, all three girls had crystal blue eyes. As it turned out, Kevin's father was a redhead. Thus, Bekah had received genetics from her paternal late grandfather. Nobody ever insisted that Lucy had cheated on Kevin. Perhaps that was because everyone knew that Lucy would never cheat on Kevin. Well, nobody would figure that she would lie to Martin, either.

There was one flaw, though. Mary knew about her being with Peter. If she had really wanted Ruthie to "regret" something, she would have told Martin the truth. Mary hated Martin, and it only made sense that she would tell him. Yet she hadn't. Ruthie couldn't figure that one out. Still, she couldn't help but wonder what Mary had meant by that. Who knew, knowing Mary, she met nothing. Perhaps, she hoped, it had been nothing more than a wacky threat of Mary's.

Just a few weeks after Martin graduated college, and they were beginning to get settled in their new home, Ruthie discovered she was pregnant again. Her plan of not having any more children was shot. She wasn't the only one with news that summer. Lucy announced that she was pregnant with her fourth child that summer. She and Kevin were taking another shot at a son.

The girls turned three that fall, and another pregnancy was announced at Cari, Candi, and Cassi's birthday party. Robbie and Patty Mary, who had found a house in the Glen Oak area some time back, were expecting their second child. Camden had turned four, and the cradle was empty.

January 2011 rang in with a bundle of joy. Lucy and Kevin's fourth child, and first son, was born on the first of January that year. He was blond haired and blue eyed, just like Savannah and Moriah. His older sisters welcomed him with excitement. At last, Kevin had his son, Isaiah Andrew Kinkirk. Dismayingly, on that same day, Bekah – then three and a half – had another seizure. She was rushed to the hospital and sedated.

Two months later, Ruthie and Martin welcomed their third child and first son, Clayton Jeremiah Brewer. His features were similar to his sister Candi's. His hair was dark brown like hers, and he had dark brown eyes and a tanner complexion than Cari.

The third addition to that year, Patty Mary and Robbie's second child and first daughter, arrived near the end of the summer, on July thirtieth. Following their trend they had begun with their first child, Patty Mary and Robbie ended up naming their daughter after a member of the Camden family. The little girl was named Annika Mae Palmer; it didn't take long for her to adapt the nickname "Annie."

After a year of additions, the year peacefully came to a close. Even though she and Martin were not living in Glen Oak, they found themselves traveling to Glen Oak quite frequently. Usually they were there every other weekend. Candi and Cari enjoyed seeing their cousins, and both enjoyed playing with Cassi. Ruthie was delighted to see her daughters having a 'play group' to socialize with.

There wasn't a day that went by that Lucy wouldn't mention something about how she never imagined their children growing up together. Moriah was only three months younger than Candi and Cari, so the three girls got along pretty well. For Lucy, she said, it was hard for her to conceptualize her youngest sister's children being there more than Mary's. Growing up, she said that she had always pictured her and Mary's children playing together. Mary was never around for that to be true. Though, Carlos would make an occasional trip out to Glen Oak with the kids. When he did, Savannah and Charlie were clingy. It was hard on both of the children to have to say goodbye to each other. What Mary was doing to them was by far not fair to any of the children involved.

Come 2012, the world evolved in a whole new way. Fear and anxiety traveled in the air more frequently than ever before. News casts and magazines were covered with titles and headliners about the upcoming _end of the world _in December. Families became terrified to separate, and had started to cherish every moment they had together. On the contrary, people were doing absurd acts – like bungee jumping or jumping off of buildings just to see if they could survive the impact. Insanity was in the air, and apparently it was contagious.

Ruthie had to admire her older sister, Lucy. Lucy hadn't changed the way she lived her life day to day, and preached in her sermons and day-to-day advice that others shouldn't either. What was going to happen would happen, and there was no changing that. It didn't matter what crazy acts one attempted; all that mattered was that one had Jesus. If one would just accept Jesus into their heart, they would not have to worry about what would happen after death. Jesus would save all of those who believed and accepted Him into their hearts, as he had promised in the Bible.

As for her own self, Ruthie couldn't help feeling a little concerned. By no means was she was as confident as her sister when it came to life and death. Maybe it was because she wasn't quite as "innocent" as Lucy. Well, Lucy wasn't exactly _innocent_, but she had made nowhere near the level of sins. A major one was, she had not had pre-marital sex; at least to Ruthie's knowledge. Put it this way, she had not gotten _caught _having pre-marital sex.

Whether or not the whole world knew, there was another way to look at it. God knew. He knew everyone's secrets at all times, for he was watching every single person in some way, shape, or form. How he did it, Ruthie couldn't explain. The only possible explanation was He had all-knowing _super powers_. And no matter what your secrets were and no matter how few people knew them, when judgment day came it would all be revealed.

**December 20, 2012**

_His long bony arms wrapped around her. A rush of warmth and security filled her veins. She hadn't felt this feeling in years. He stroked her hair as his warm lips pressed against hers. Since her eyes were closed, she wasn't looking into his. All she knew was; she didn't want the moment to end._

_They were lying in bed together, and before she knew it they were making love. It was a feeling she couldn't describe, but she knew that no other man could give her the feeling she felt right then and there. _

_When he released himself from her, she opened her eyes and looked into his face. The face filled her mind and she was in shock. His brown hair hadn't changed since the last she had seen him, almost five years ago. Those blue-crystal eyes were to die for. Her heart pumped faster and faster; she felt like she could die. She was looking into the eyes of Peter Petrowski. _

Twenty-three year old Ruthie Camden woke up panting like a puppy, breathing heavily in and out. Almost immediately, she realized what day it was: the day before Doom's Day, according to the Mayan Calendar. It only took her a few extra moments to realize a cold muscular arm was slouched on top of her body. Slowly, trying not to wake the man she shared a bed with, she positioned herself to her side, so she could get a good look at the man in her bed.

His appearance hadn't changed much over the last four years. Physically, he had become manlier. Since graduating college, he had gotten in with a local minor team. While he dreamed of making it with the majors, he insisted on waiting until the children were a little older. He knew that the major leagues required a lot more commitment, something he hoped to be ready for in two or three years. Nothing could stop him from trying to stay in the best shape he could, and he would work out at least three to four times a week after work.

He kept busy at work and in the game, and still managed to be there for the kids. Ruthie couldn't help but admire his hard work. On top of their three children, they also had Aaron every weekend from Friday at five until Sunday at five. About a year earlier, after Martin had graduated, he had decided to fight for joint-custody of Aaron. He probably wouldn't have done it if Ruthie hadn't pushed him, though. She had become tired of Martin's moaning and groaning about his son being raised by another man, so she decided to tell him to take matters into his own hand; to fight for custody.

Naturally, Martin had approached Sandy with the issue first. She did not want to go to court, in fact she refused. Thus, the two compromised on the current schedule. Martin would drive to Glen Oak and pick Aaron up at five on every Friday, and she would pick him up at five on Sunday. That way, he was getting his time with his father. Then, come summer, Aaron would spend the month of June with his mother, and the month of July with his father. At holidays, they would rotate.

Aaron was almost five when they started this process, so already he had begun to look at Jonathan as his _father_. He was still too young to understand the difference between his step-dad and his real dad. Sandy and Martin had sat down to try and explain to him, though he was still mind-boggled. At six, approaching seven, he seemed to have a better understanding, and Sandy said that all he would talk about all week was going to see his father.

For this Christmas, Aaron would get to spend it with both of his parents. With all of the madness, and even though Lucy insisted everything would be all right, she had planned an extraordinary Christmas party on the day before "Doom's Day." Ruthie had joked she had planned it that way_ just in case_, even though she was in denial of anything happening the next day.

She rolled over again to take a look at the clock. With that roll, she managed to forget to be careful not to wake Martin up. She had rolled to her other side, and was looking at the clock. When she read _5:05_, she grunted loudly. Soon she felt Martin's large muscular hand traveling down her back. Slowly, she turned around and watched her husband stir. He opened his eyes and smiled down at her. "Morning, baby," he whispered. His arm wrapped around her again and he nuzzled his nose against hers. She didn't speak a word, but that didn't stop him from rolling on top of her. He pressed his lips against hers, and she tasted the taste of morning on his teeth. "Are you sure you don't want to make another baby?" he whispered soothingly.

"What happened to the major leagues?" she rolled her eyes, remembering how Martin had gone on and on about when the children were older, he could play for the San Francisco Giants. Then, all of a sudden, the night before he had come out and asked about having another baby. It didn't make sense to her, and she had told him that three were enough. Sighing, she proceeded, "If we had another baby, that dream would be pushed back and you're not getting any younger. We have plenty of time to make more babies…we have plenty of child bearing years left." She knew that her childbearing years would last for at least another twenty years. Here she was, twenty-three years old and had already had three children. Having children wasn't something she had pictured for herself until she was in her early thirties. Life had been full of surprises as her dreams changed like the blink of an eye.

"Yeah, but," Martin sighed. _Here comes the big 'but,' _Ruthie thought spitefully. "I want our children to be close in age. I mean, look at your brothers and sisters…there are nineteen years between your oldest brother and youngest brothers. I would rather our children be close in age." Martin's point was valid, but when she thought about it, even though there were ten years between her oldest brother and her, yet she had always been remarkably close with him. In all reality, she didn't see the big deal with the ten year age different. On the other hand, Sam and David were not particularly close to any of their siblings other than themselves. They lived with Matt and Sarah, but whenever there were family get-togethers, the Sam and David would run off and mind their own business.

Maybe it was a twin thing. She had started to notice that with her own twins, and Matt and Sarah's twins. Candi and Cari had joined a local playgroup. Martin had insisted it was a good idea for them to socialize outside of their family, and Ruthie had to agree with him. She didn't agree with all of her sister's parenting tactics, that children were best in the hands of their own family. Lucy would never in a million years let someone outside the family, or the family's 'circle of friends,' watch her children.

Anyway, needless to say, the head of the playgroup had informed Ruthie that the twins liked to run off and play by themselves, rather than with other children. All and all, Ruthie hadn't seen a big problem with it. They were sisters, and they had been with each other since birth. The coordinator of the playgroup insisted that it was a good idea to allow the girls to develop their own personalities, so they could function apart.

Ruthie figured they would never have to be apart, thus, there was no big deal. Whenever she had the chance, she liked to daydream about her children when they got older. She imagined Cari and Candi growing up to be beautiful young women. They would be the best of friends through high school; then get accepted into the same state school, where they would declare the same majors. The girls would move out and make her proud. For two more years, she and Martin would have Clayton all to themselves. As for Clay, she imagined him taking in his father's steps. He would become an All-Star baseball player, get accepted into college on a baseball scholarship, and go into politics and economics like his dad.

Maybe she was a big dreamer, but didn't all parents dream big for their children? All parents wanted their children to be better than they were themselves. Ruthie knew that Lucy dreamed about Savannah becoming a popular cheerleader. She had enrolled her in various gymnastic classes and dance. Ruthie figured that was because Lucy had never been any good at cheerleading, despite her efforts.

Bekah was destined to be a little musician, despite her health and eye problems; when she was three the doctors diagnosed her with retinopathy. Luckily, her condition wasn't the worst that it could get. She just had to wear fairly thick glasses to see. Bekah was one of the fortunate ones. That past year, at age five, Lucy had enrolled her in piano classes. Ruthie was looking forward to hearing her play at Christmas; Lucy often bragged about how well she was doing.

As for Moriah, she was casted in the Glen Oak Theater's production of _Peter Pan_ as Tinker Bell. Apparently, she got to be tied up on a string and 'flew' around, like a fairy. According to Lucy, Moriah was having a blast. The little girl was only four, and she already had an acting career. Only one could speculate what would come out of that.

She wasn't the only family member to share an interest in theater. In fact, Moriah wouldn't have gotten the role if it hadn't been for another family member. Two years earlier, Sam had landed his first role in the theater in the play _The Secret Garden_, retrieving the major role of Colin Craven. In _Peter Pan_, at thirteen, he was casted as the Peter Pan. With two major roles under his belt, Sam was getting well known around the Playhouse. Next year, when he entered high school, Sam had high aspirations in participating in the high school's theater group.

Ruthie knew that their parents would be proud of Sam. In fact, likewise, they were looking down from Heaven at him and smiling. All any parent wanted was to be proud of their children. Ruthie found nothing wrong with dreaming big for her children. Experts said it was bad to live through children, but in a way – it was a parent's last chance to experience what they never had. Ruthie's only real hope was that her daughters wouldn't make the same mistakes she did.

She hadn't answered her husband. Her eyes had looked away from him, and were set on the clock. It was a quarter after five, and Ruthie didn't want to get out of bed. She would do anything to just close her eyes and go back to sleep. Sleep was so limited, and she knew she had to get up. She had promised Lucy that she would be to the parsonage by eight to help her set up for the Christmas party Lucy was going all out for. Ruthie swore she had invited the whole world.

Her train of thought was broken when she heard little footsteps pouncing through the hallway. Two small oval faces appeared at the doorway to their bedroom. They were dressed in matching pink Hello Kitty pajamas. "Mommy, Daddy!" the two voices chirped

"It time to go to Auntie Lucy's!" Cari chirped excitingly. The two girls ran over to the bed, and started to tear through the blankets as they crawled up and sat in between their parents.

"Today's the big day!" Candi smiled with joy. "We get to see our brother and cousins!" Candi and Cari were both well aware that Aaron was their brother; they never referred to him as their 'half brother.' Martin and Ruthie had explained to them that he was their brother, and that was how they referred to him. While they probably didn't understand why he didn't live with them all the time, they understood that he was their older brother.

"Let's go!" Cari tugged on her mother's arms with force, forcing Ruthie to sit up all of the way.

Ruthie gave her children a weak smile and scooped the two children up in her arms. It wasn't even five-thirty yet, and the little ones were on the go. What was it about children having unlimited energy? Ruthie could vaguely remember being four, when every day was a new exciting adventure. She remembered running into her parents' bedroom and jumping in between them. Some days, she wished she could just go back. Life was so much easier from a child's point of view.

"Well girls, first we're going to have to get you two dressed and your hair done, then we're going to have to get your brother up and ready, we're going to have breakfast, then we can go to Aunt Lucy's," Ruthie firmly told her daughters, whom she held in her arms, in a sweet voice

"Awe!" both girls gasped, their arms stretched up high. A loud cry came from down the hall way. Ruthie glanced at her husband, still was lying on the bed half-way covered with the heavy comforter. She couldn't help to notice his dark hairy chest and muscular tan bare skin on his arms.

Martin sighed reluctantly. "I've got him," he said, pulling the covers off of him and sitting up. His _Giants _boxers became visible as he became coverless.

"Hehe, I see Daddy's underwear!" Candi giggled, pointing her right pointy finger at her father.

"I see the French, I see fries; I see Daddy's underwear!" Cari tagged onto her sister's statement, and giggled along with her sister.

Martin smiled at his daughter and laughed, "Actually," he started, "It's _I see London, I see France, I see Daddy's underwear._" He raised his hands in a tickling position and walked closer to his daughters, "And you two better watch out…because it's the tickle monster!"

"No! Not the tickle monster!" the two girls screamed, wrapping and clinging their arms around their mother as the tickle monster attacked them.

Luckily for them, the viciousness ended after only a few seconds. He grabbed a pair of jeans and started stepping into them. Ruthie left him alone to get dressed and take care of their son, as she meandered to the girls' room to get them ready, then she would feed them, and somewhere between then and when they left she would dressed herself and get ready.

Parenthood was full of many obstacles, ups, and downs. She had found out that she couldn't always put herself first. How her mother had raised seven children, she would never understand. And Martin wanted more children. Though, without Martin, she knew she couldn't possibly raise the three kids on her own.

Her father had once told her_, "When you have children, there's always something new to talk about." _Ruthie hadn't understood what he meant then, but as she became a parent she fully understood it. Kids could say the most darn of things. Just because of that, Ruthie knew that this holiday and every one afterward would be full of surprises. With children, the unknown became even more exciting.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Today marks the six month anniversary in which I posted this story. It also happens to be 10-10-10. I would've liked to have finished it by now, but that wasn't possible. Though, there are only a few chapters left. Please give me your input. :)


	47. And Joy

Outside Heaven

Chapter 47

...And Joy

One of the many joys of parenting Ruthie had discovered was basic tasks would take two or three times as long as one would think they should. Despite their early start, Ruthie, Martin, and the kids did not make it to the car until three hours later. To boot, Ruthie had promised Lucy that she would be to the house by eight to help her set up. By the time Candi and Cari had agreed on their outfits, Ruthie had combed through the knots in their hair, the kids had chosen the cereal they wanted for breakfast, and Ruthie had escaped long enough to get herself dressed and ready, that promise was shot. Even though it was only an hour drive under normal circumstances, by the time they would stop for the girls to use the restroom two or three times, it would be ten o'clock when they pulled in.

One would have thought by then Ruthie would have the time it took for each task down to a tee. Like her father had said many times, though, with children you could never plan accordingly.

They pulled into the parsonage at approximately ten-fifteen. Given that, there was still plenty of time for Ruthie to help Lucy get ready for the party; Lucy had told guests that the party was to begin at one. The sad part was that Ruthie wasn't even sure about all of the guests her sister had invited. She knew Lucy had sent invitations out to the Hamilton, whether or not they would show was a different story. Surely they had their own family get togethers. Why would they fly all the way out to Glen Oak just for Lucy?

Recently, Ruthie had heard from Lucy, that Keisha and her husband had welcomed their second child, a boy, whom they had named Killian. Ruthie had immediately found the name unusual and maybe a bit gruesome. She wondered who in their right mind would put the word _"kill" _in their child's name. It had to be a bad omen; the poor kid.

She hadn't heard much about the other Hamiltons. Apparently Lynn and Nigel were still single, at least according to their Facebook pages. Nigel had added her not too long ago, and Ruthie couldn't resist checking out their pages on occasions. Some might call her a stalker, though she didn't care. Curiosity killed the cat.

Indubitably, Ruthie knew that all of her siblings, except for Mary, were coming. Though, Lucy had invited Carlos and the children. In recent years, Lucy had settled any biases she may or may not have had with Carlos. She had finally accepted that he was not responsible for her sister's madness. Mary was mad all on her own, and there was nothing Carlos had done wrong besides stay by her side for the sake of the children. Ruthie and Lucy would talk about how spineless he was, and Lucy had said that if she were Carlos, she would have taken the kids and flown across the country as fast as possible.

For Lucy to say that, though, was somewhat ironic. Ruthie had actually had the guts to come out and tell Lucy that, and to Ruthie's surprise, Lucy had admitted that it was true. She had admitted she was surprised that Kevin hadn't just gone up and left her when she had been going through her stages of 'madness,' during the early years of their marriage. Lucy indicated that she thought she was less crazy after having four children than she had been in the early years of her and Kevin's marriage. Whether that was true or not was open for interpretation.

Martin held Clay in his arms as the family of five made their way up into the parsonage. It was second nature for her not to knock. After all, it was the house she had grown up in. She could not bring herself to knock on the door of a house she had lived in since birth.

The girls were eagerly jumping up and down as Ruthie turned the knob. As the door cracked open, the girls barged into the house, before Ruthie and Martin could even step in. Just as she stepped into the house and looked to her left, where the living area was, Ruthie felt as though her heart and been punctured with a blunt object. First she saw Paris sitting tall next to her husband. It was the person sitting directly across from Paris, next to her very pregnant sister-in-law, that made Ruthie's heart throb like an earthquake.

"M-M-Mary," Ruthie stuttered, grasping her husband's hand. She could feel her face turning blazing hot. It was like she had just stepped into a boiler room. Her eyes shot toward her husband's face, whose complexion had drained from his face. He looked like he had just seen a ghost.

"Well, hello to you, too, Ruthie," Mary smirked, crossing her arms. "So, I take it these are your little rugrats." Mary's eyes looked aimlessly between Cari, Candi, and Clay, not once setting on Martin. Ruthie's heart pounded, and her hand reached for her husband's hand. In slow motion, Martin set Clay on the floor next to his sisters. The little guy stood at about half his sisters' height. Clay looked with wide eyes toward his sisters, whose two sets of eyes were aimed curiously toward the stranger in the room.

Cecilia and Paris grunted; looking giving each other dismal looks. Cecilia's pale hand was on her bulging stomach; she had just reached her thirty-seventh week of pregnancy with her second child, a boy. She looked like she could pop at about any moment. Discomfort was visible in her face, as she shifted her weight forward, to her feet. She smiled toward the children and waddled over toward Martin, Ruthie, and the children. Bending over and placing her hands on her knees, while her stomach embedded into her legs, she said, "You girls have sure grown since I've last seen you, and that can't be Clayton…" The last time Simon and Cecilia had been back had been the previous Easter, Clay had just turned a year old.

The girls grinned, proud of their aunt's comment on their growing, and Clay hid behind his sisters, weary of the new faces in the room. Ignoring Cecilia's attempt to change the subject, Ruthie glanced toward Paris and Vic, whom she hadn't seen much of in years. She had yet to come across Peter since the last he had blown off at her. Naturally, Ruthie was certain that Paris and Vic had told Peter that she had become a mother. Either he didn't care, or he didn't want to be bothered to contact her. If he did the math, she knew that he had to put two and two together. Either he hadn't done the math, or he didn't want any part in it.

She didn't like to think about the Petrowski family, and the less she did the happier she was. Over the last four years, Martin had surprisingly given her anything and everything she had ever wanted. She didn't _need_ Peter, and despite her harsh feelings toward Mary, she had come to accept that Mary had a point when she had said what she said. _"It only matters who's taking care of the child…" _Biology was biology; genetics were only blood deep. Love and care came before one's genetic make-up. Martin was the only father Ruthie's children knew, and she was determined for it to stay that way.

"W-Where is Lucy?" Ruthie stuttered, waiting for an answer. As she spoke, she heard footsteps pounding on the stairway behind her. Rapidly, she twirled around to see a crowd of five children thudding down the face, three of whom Ruthie almost didn't recognize. She tried to remember the last time she had seen Charlie, Jenny, and Crissy. It had to have been the Christmas before. The blonde haired girl who stood next to Savannah, Ruthie knew quite well—Emmy Petrowski. Even though she didn't see Paris and Vic often, Emmy was a frequent guest at the parsonage. Lucy often joked that she was her fifth child. As they grew older, the more inseparable Savannah and Emmy had become.

Ruthie's question went unanswered with the anger on Charlie's flustered face. His bright green eyes flustered with anger toward his mother. "Mom!" he cried, crossing his arms and squishing his forehead. "Tell Jenny and Crissy to leave Savannah, Emmy, and me alone!" Ruthie raised her eyebrows at the eight-year-old. She suddenly realized that Charlie had turned into a complete different person than he had been at the tender age of four. The four-year-old she had known had been delighted to play with his sisters. Now, that same child wanted nothing to do with his little sisters.

Jenny's and Crissy's eyes were watering up with their brother's amplifying roar, demanding their mother to tell them to leave their brother and his friends alone. "Charlie, why can't you all get along?" Mary seemed confused by her son's reaction toward his sisters.

"They ruin everything!" Charlie shouted. "They're too young. Mom, please…!"

"How do Savannah and Emmy feel about this?" Mary asked, looking at the two girls who shared perplexed expressions.

Savannah shrugged. "I don't care," she said with her eyes concerned on Charlie. "I'd rather we all just get along."

"Oh please," Charlie rolled his eyes. "You don't let your sisters play with us! You left them in the room with Peter, Meredith, Cassi, Madi, and your little brother! Why can't they just stay there with your sisters, Cassi, Madi, and your brother? That's the baby room." Charlie turned to his mother. "Mom, please! Tell Crissy and Jenny to go play with Cassi, Bekah, Madi, and Moriah!"

Mary didn't say anything. Her teeth curled over her lips as her eyes searched the faces of her tearful daughters. Both girls' blonde hair was let down. Out of all of the twins within their family, Ruthie had to admit that Crissy and Jenny looked the most alike. "We want to play with Savvy, Emmy, and Charlie!" both girls cried. "We're six. Not babies."

"Her name is _Savannah_, not _Savvy_," Charlie growled, rolling his eyes with an impeccable attitude. "_Sah—vannah. _She doesn't like to be called _Savvy_."

"It's true," Emmy was nodding her head. "She almost punched a kid at school for calling her _Savvy_." Savannah nudged Emmy, blushing. Savannah punching someone was a hard image for anyone to conceive. In general, Savannah was a sweet, loving, and kind child. The child couldn't hurt a fly.

Ruthie's thoughts soon had gone elsewhere as she reflected back on what Charlie had said. _"You left them in the room with Peter…Meredith…"_ She looked with wide eyes toward Paris and Vic. The thought of Peter even being in the same house as she sunk dismayingly inside of her soul. She looked at her husband, who seemed to have noticed the same. He had turned whiter; Ruthie hadn't thought that was possible.

"Where's Lucy?" Ruthie reiterated a question she had asked before. Her voice was hoarse and ghastly as she waited for an answer.

"She's in the kitchen. Roxanne and Chandler are there helping her get the food ready…and actually, I was just heading there right before you came in, Ruthie," Paris answered, a bit hurriedly. She patted her daughter's head and smiled wearily toward her husband. Paris sprung off of the couch and disappeared toward the kitchen vicinity.

Ruthie felt her own face grimace. She frowned at her husband and sighed, "I better go check on her, seeing as I promised her I would be here to hours ago…" she murmured. "_To help_," Ruthie intensified her voice, squinting toward Mary, whose arms had been filled by two six-year-old girls.

Before she could disappear into the kitchen, she realized two of her munchkins were missing. They had disappeared up the stairs without her even noticing. Normally, she wouldn't have a problem with that. The girls were used to running up the stairs the minute they arrived at the parsonage to play with their cousins. _Peter and Meredith are up there, _Ruthie's stomach clenched itself as she moved toward the kitchen._ Peter is in the same house as me_, Ruthie felt her face and hands clamming up as she depicted Peter's face in her mind. She still saw the bony eighteen-year-old whose face was without bristle. Her lips tightened as she remembered their last kiss, the last and the first time she had lain in bed with him. Their lips had pressed together and her hand had stroked against his soft, smooth face.

A warm, jolly feeling heated up Ruthie's heart as she set foot in the kitchen. The feeling reminded her of the feeling she had felt every Christmas when she was a child. She could remember pouncing down the stairs, like a rabbit, and entering the kitchen to the smell of fresh tepid baked goods.

Instead of seeing her mother slaving over the open stove, she saw her middle sister standing in the same positing their mother had in years past. She wasn't alone; she was accompanied in the kitchen by a two women, both blonde, and her associate pastor. The circles under Roxanne's eyes made her look weary, like she hadn't slept in days. Immediately, Ruthie took note to a small bulge under the apron she was wearing.

"There you are, Ruthie," Lucy let out a sigh.

Quickly, Ruthie jerked her eyes off of Roxanne and gazed toward her sister. "I'm sorry that I'm late, but you know what it's like…" Lucy sighed, nodding.

Despite Ruthie's effort to take her eyes off of Roxanne's bulge, she must have noticed where Ruthie's eyes had been anyway. She released a loud sigh, looking at her husband. "I'm twelve weeks," she said flatly. Looking at Chandler, she continued, "We were going to wait until later to tell everyone, but obviously it's obvious. I am showing so much faster this time than I was with Cass. I swear I didn't show until I was at least eighteen weeks."

A deafening silence followed Roxanne's announcement and ramble. Roxanne grabbed her husband's hand and they were bombarded with wide-eyes from Paris, Lucy, and Ruthie. At last, Lucy broke the silence. "Congratulations," she smiled, and despite her messy apron, she widened her arms and wrapped her arms around Roxanne.

"Yes. Congratulations are in order!" Paris chimed in, giving Roxanne a hug. "I showed much earlier with Emmy than I did with Peter…my doctor told me that that's normal with second pregnancies. Mine were just sixteen years apart."

Lucy shrugged, shaking her head. She didn't say anything, but they all knew that had not been the case with her. With her second pregnancy, the twins she had lost, she had smaller than she had been with Savannah. Then with Bekah, she had been small all along. Even with Moriah and Isaiah she hadn't showed until she was eighteen weeks. Somehow, she was just naturally "small."

Ruthie shook her head and forced a weak smile. "C-Congrats, Roxanne," she stuttered, but quickly turned to Lucy with an attempt to get back to her original reason for coming to the kitchen. She sneered, with a whisper, "Why the hell is Mary here?"

The glow that had shined on Lucy's face diminished quickly with Ruthie's question. Her lips pressed together and she frowned. "I…don't know," she answered hoarsely. "She just showed up…I was just as surprised. Strangely, she's been acting like nothing ever happened...like we're as close as we were when were kids. It's like she has forgotten that she hasn't seen us in four years."

Ruthie lifted a brow, though she couldn't say she was surprised. That was Mary; always disappearing and reappearing into their lives like nothing had ever happened. Ruthie remembered when Mary had gone to live with the Colonel and Grandma Ruth, then had returned home like nothing had ever happened. To boot, their mother had played right a long, deeming her as the prodigal daughter.

Chandler, Roxanne, and Paris suddenly had gotten bitterly quiet. Everyone's eyes in the room seemed to become disorientated, as they appeared to traveled around the room seeming to be avoiding contact with the others in the room.

"Where's Carlos?" Ruthie asked. It took her a moment to realize how demanding her tone came off as. Although, she had decided, she didn't care. As far as she was concerned, Mary had no business being there. In fact, as far as she was concerned, Mary should be shunned from the family. It was she who had behaved immaturely, it was she who had made the choice she had made, and it was Mary, and only Mary, who had ran off. Ruthie had come to the conclusion, regardless to what Mary said; that Mary would never change. She would always be the same old, self conceited sister who made promises that she could not keep. Mary didn't deserve to be anyone's sister.

"He went with Kevin and Simon to get the Christmas tree," Lucy replied quietly. Ruthie's head throbbed; some how she had been so stricken by the sight of Mary, she had manage to realize the absence of the Christmas tree. There hadn't been a Christmas amongst the twenty-three years she, Ruthie Camden-Brewer, had been alive where the parsonage had gone without a Christmas tree. Lucy shook her head, "With all of the preparations and stuff, and with four kids, Kevin just didn't get out and get the tree…Matt was supposed to go with him some time last week, but with the holiday season and everyone taking his or her vacation time to spend time with their family; more people are taking holiday time than usual because of their fears of it being their last chances to spend time with their family because of the end of the world, thus Matt has had to work extra shifts."

"Where are Matt and Sarah…?" Ruthie inquired, suddenly noticing the absence of her brother, sister-in-law, and nephews. Generally, she knew that Matt and Sarah liked to get to family occasions early to help out.

Lucy lifted an eyebrow, but before she could say anything the back door opened. Ruthie spun around, where she saw her oldest brother and his wife standing. Behind them, three young boys stood. Jacob, Noah, and Josh's faces lit up when they saw the company in the kitchen. Without taking off their winter coats, the three boys ran into the kitchen and wrapped their arms around both of their aunts and Roxanne, Chandler, and Paris.

"Well, speaking of the devils," Ruthie chuckled and glanced at her brother and sister-in-law, just as she was patting Josh's dark brown head. An aftermath of chills rubbed off of Josh's coat, causing Ruthie to shiver for a moment. She looked down at the little boy's elated big brown eyes, and soon she was being squeezed by Jake and Noah. The six-year-olds' light brown eyes twinkled into hers as she ruffled their light brown curly hair.

Grabbing his wife's coat, and walking toward his sons to get theirs, Matt turned to his wife. "Did you hear?" he chuckled. "We were being talked about."

Sarah laughed lightly. "I wonder what they were saying about us."

Lucy sighed and opened her mouth, but before she could say a word the sound of loud pounces came from the stairway. Ruthie's eyes shot toward the stairs, and for a moment an eerie pain stabbed inside her heart. Every time she, or anyone else in the family, would look at the stairway that lead into the kitchen the memory of Kevin's tripping came to mind. When she would close her eyes, and blackness filled inside her eyelids, she could still see the bullet firing out of Kevin's gun and into Simon's shoulder. Her stomach would turn upside down, and nausea pained her stomach.

It wasn't Kevin stomping down the stairway this time, though. Instead, it was her daughters, Moriah, Bekah, Madi, and Cassi. The five cousins' and Cassi's eyes were all lit up as they entered the kitchen. Instantly, Bekah and Moriah ran over to their mother. "Mommy, can we have some cookies? _Pwease_?" Bekah tugged on her mother's apron.

"We want cookies!" Cari and Candi both chirped at the same time, looking at their mother with wide eyes.

Ruthie smiled and laughed. She was stricken with a sharp memory of when she was that age. Reminiscing could be painful at time, but she remembered being four and how she had always looked forward to the holidays. She could remember begging her mother for just _one _cookie before the holiday meal. _"Ruthie, you'll ruin your dinner," _her mother would always tell her. She hated when her mother would say that.

"Girls, you'll ruin your dinner," Lucy shook her head at the girls. "You wouldn't want to do that, would you?"

Ruthie shook her head, avoiding her sister's statement, and walked toward the cookie jar where Lucy had placed all of the fresh cookies. She stuck her hand in it and pulled nine cookies out and handed them to the girls, then reached over to Jake, Noah, and Josh. "There you go, kids," she smiled at her daughters and nieces.

"Ruthie!" Lucy scolded, rolling her eyes.

"Luce, remember when Mom always said that to us?" Ruthie crossed her arms, sternly looking at her sister. She then glanced back at the girls, whose eyes were lit up as they were biting into their chocolate chip cookies. Her heart warmed to see the little girls' faces light up. There was nothing more heartwarming than to see your own children's faces light up with delight.

Lucy shook her head and shot a look at Matt, who was shaking his head. "She's got a point. I remember when you were around Bekah's and Moriah's ages, Luce. You always said_, 'One cookie's not gonna make me lose my appetite!'_" Lucy rolled her eyes and shook her head, once again.

Ruthie had been so preoccupied with the children, that she hadn't noticed the faces standing behind the five girls. Her throat started to clot up with thick moisture when she finally looked into his die-hard blue eyes. He had not changed the slightest since she had last laid eyes on him almost exactly five years prior. His hand was cupped tightly into the woman's hand that stood next to him, and something about how their hands were strung together told Ruthie everything she needed to know.

"Peter," she mouthed hoarsely. "Meredith."

Peter and Meredith's faces grimaced as they shared a glance. Despite her disorientated feeling, Ruthie felt a slight tug at her wrist. She looked down into the little girl's eyes. "Mommy, Mommy!" the little girl exclaimed, as if she had a story to tell. With Cari's utterance of the word _Mommy_, Ruthie immediately noticed the complexion in Peter's face diminish. He looked as though he had just seen a ghost. Ruthie's stomach churned as she looked down at her daughter, giving the four-year-old her full attention. Cari pointed her small finger toward Peter and continued, "Daddy called that man a _drip shit_!"

Ruthie's jaw dropped open as she glanced toward her sister, Lucy, whose eyes had flown wide open. She shot a look toward Peter and Meredith. "Um, who is upstairs with the babies?" she inquired, practically tearing her apron off and hustling toward the steps.

"Jeffrey and Martin are with them," Meredith responded cautiously.

Lucy let out a huff, and before they knew it she was pushing past Peter and Meredith, stomping her way up the stairs. "Mommy's mad, I think," Bekah spoke with a serious, grown up tone. She had grabbed her younger sister's hand. Although Moriah was over a year younger than Bekah, she was about the same height as her sister. By looking at them, one could easily infer that they were the same age, and from first glance, Moriah almost looked older than Bekah. It wasn't until the girls spoke that it was apparent who was older. Despite being small for her age, and all of the health problems she had gone through, Bekah had a mature nature about herself.

Matt frowned and patted his son's heads. "Some on kids, let's go into the living room and see who's all here."

"Yay!" the boys exclaimed and started heading toward the living room. They were soon followed by their cousins and Cassi. Matt and Sarah followed after the children, and Ruthie didn't bother to warn them that the devil herself was in there. They would find out soon enough, and Ruthie had bigger worries to worry about.

She was left alone with Peter, Meredith, Roxanne, Chandler, and Paris. A sense of eeriness was chilling the room. At last, Paris finally said, "You know, I think I should go upstairs and see how Lucy's doing." She glanced at Roxanne and Chandler, who both nodded, and followed Paris up the stairs. That left her fully alone with Peter and Meredith.

Her face and throat burned with the painful deafening silence. She watched Peter stroke Meredith's wrist, which made her want to purge. Finally, Peter turned to Meredith and whispered, "If you don't mind, I'd like to talk to Ruthie for a minute…alone." Meredith's eyes widened with shock, but she nodded and turned around, racing up the steps. At last she was alone with him; but the tug she felt in her heart was nowhere as pleasurable as it had been in her dream.

Peter stepped off of the stairs and walked toward her. She found herself twirling her finger through her hair, and her eyes focused away from Peter. Her eyes just could not meet his. She inhaled and exhaled heavily, searching for some oxygen to place in her brain. What was he going to say to her, and she to him?

"Ruthie," Peter said; his voice was still as smooth as it had been that last day they made love to each other. "Long time no see."

She nodded, her eyes twitched as she brought one of her fingers toward her eyes to massage them. "It has," she choked out. Her fingers continued to unintentionally run through her hair. She flinched as she felt an ice cold hand on her shoulder. With a heart racing full of anxiety, she brought herself to look into Peter's dark blue eyes. His hand was still on her shoulder as he looked down upon her.

Her thoughts raced with madness as he raced his hands through her hair. She didn't know what to think; after all, she had just seen how he had treated Meredith. Jerking away from Peter, she toyed with her wedding ring on her left ring finger, making it so Peter could see it clearly.

"You have beautiful daughters; the dark haired one looks just like you. And I take it that the little boy Martin had with him was your son..." Peter said, trailing off hesitantly. He tagged on, "How old are your daughters?"

Ruthie lifted a brow, figuring he had to know the answer to that question. Noticing he hadn't asked how old Clay was, her heart started to race with suspicion. Surely, without a doubt, his parents had to have told him. After all, they had been at the parsonage on the day she had come back to Glen Oak with Mary. Why wouldn't they have told him? Her mind boggled as she answered the question, "They are four."

"Four…so, they were born in 2008," he stated, there wasn't a bit of question in his voice. He looked up at the ceiling, like he couldn't bear to meet eyes with her. He was mumbling to himself; he appeared to be counting months. "January…February…March…April…May…June…July…August…, were they born in September?"

She shook her head. "August," she answered dryly and added, "They were three weeks premature."

"Of course," he nodded, looking toward the kitchen window. "Ruthie…" he trailed. "You just can't deny what happened between us."

Inquisitively she lifted her chin up high. "Who is denying it?" she whispered, her throat still burning.

Peter's face had turned a burnt red color. "Ruthie, do the math! I'm not an idiot – and you can't tell me—."

"There you are, Ruthie!" Peter's rage was interrupted by a deep voice behind them. Ruthie twirled around, to where her husband stood, empty handed.

At the same time, a round roar could be heard from only a few steps away, "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE! I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE, LUCE! DOES IT REALLY MATTER _WHY _I'M HERE? DO I NEED A _REASON_?" Mary and Lucy were standing in the entryway near the kitchen. Lucy's pug face was squashed and her arms were crossed as her eyes fired dirty looks toward her eldest sister.

"I didn't say you had no right to be here," she said bitterly. "I said that you owed _Ruthie _an explanation and an apology. Not me." Her nose stuck high into the air, and the room turned very heated.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I know I skipped ahead quickly, and I'm sorry for that – but it's necessary – and I hope that this chapter started to show that. There are only a few chapters after this, and I do skip ahead one more time – this will end in 2017. Everything will make sense in the end.

Second, if you are starting to get confused with all of the children being born, I have posted a link on my profile which leads to a website with the pictures and names of every child to date. As children are born, I will add them to that page. When the sequel rolls around, detailed biographies will be provided.


	48. Stairway to Hell

Outside Heaven

Chapter 48

Stairway to Hell

Ruthie could feel the tension in the room tighten. It was like the kitchen had become a scorching inferno. And up until that moment, the fire was only escalating. At that moment, all of a sudden, a chill swept through Ruthie's body and despite her burning face, she started to feel like she was freezing to death. It was like she was sinking farther and farther down into hell; the light that warmed her skin was diminishing behind the filth.

The weight was pulling down on them, like they were dressed in heavy robes full of lead. Her chest pounded and she straightened her back, trying to continue to carry herself to the best of her ability. A sharp pain pinched against her back, and her muscles burned. Her blood was rushing through her veins rapidly and even though her face was hot, she was shivering.

She began to feel even colder, as if she had reached the bottom of Hell. It was like being in a sheer ice box, and there was no escaping. All hope and joy had emptied from her soul as she felt like she was entering Judecca. She was fully encapsulated with ice.

They stood in a circle inside the kitchen which seemed to spin in the motion of Dante's hell. Martin was standing directly in front of her. Next to her was Peter; Lucy and Mary were kitty-corner from him. Her husband's bright green eyes shot toward her. His eyes were wide, like they got when he was in shock. Ruthie watched his face flush an angry red. "Ruthie, what is going on down here? Why are you with _him_?" He pointed fiercely at Peter, and swiftly turned to Mary. "And why the hell are _you _here?"

Mary's face stiffened with Martin's words. Her eyes were covered with dark black eyeliner and she stuck shiny red lips out. She placed one hand on her hip. In her other hand, Ruthie realized, she held a solid colored water bottle, which she drank from periodically. Ruthie couldn't see through it, but she assumed it was likely water. Mary had always been a big water drinker, having been in athletics her entire life and the last Ruthie had heard, coaching basketball.

Her hips were bony, and Ruthie noticed her hip and wrist bones stuck out. Mary had lost a lot of weight since their last encounter. Her skin had turned a grimy olive color. Mary growled, "Well, _excuse _me for wanting to spend a holiday with my _family _for a change. And mind you, Morgan, but I was raised in this house, and Lucy is my sister. Thus, I have a _reason _to be here, unlike you!" She shrieked and rolled her furious hazel eyes. Her eyes looked tiresome and weak. Mary nervously twisted her long dyed blonde hair around her finger.

For a moment there, Martin looked as if he were Venedico Caccianemico or Jason, walking on forever and ever to be whipped by demons. His eyes flared in a way Ruthie had never seen them before. In a way, he looked weak, like Mary had overpowered him. Ruthie's head pounded with possibilities, knowing Martin would never let that happen. Mary, for one, would never unravel her wrath. She would continue to fight to the surface of the Styx in order to get her way.

"Mary," Lucy said slowly. "Martin is family now, and he's just as welcome here as you are." Mary glared toward Lucy, her eyes full of fire. Lucy's face flushed with her sister's eyes setting Lucy on the spot. Martin also gazed at Lucy; he appeared seemingly shocked at Lucy's saying Mary was _welcomed_. Lucy sighed, "Yes, Mary, is welcomed here. I…was…just surprised to see her. That's all. It has been awhile."

Ruthie's muscles tensed just as her husband's eyes flared toward hers. He seemed to be searching her face looking for answers. They jolted toward Peter, who simply stood next to her completely speechless.

There was a loud knock on the backdoor behind Ruthie. Ruthie flinched, but then she realized it was probably just more guests for the Christmas party. Lucy gasped looking at the lock on the wall, which read twelve fifteen. She rapidly rushed toward the oven and opened it up, checking on the ham in the oven. "I've got to get this show on the road!" she announced. "We only have forty-five minutes before everyone is supposed to be arriving!"

Everyone looked around speechless, and Ruthie sighed, "I'll get the door," since it appeared nobody else was going to get it. She turned around and turned the knob. Regardless to how many years had passed, she couldn't help to groan when she saw who was at the door. She smiled at the little boy who stood between his parents gleaming.

"Daddy!" the six-almost-seven-year-old boy gallantly exclaimed, pushing past Ruthie and wrapping his arms around his father. After tightly gripping onto his father and letting go he turned around to Ruthie and waved, "Hi, Mommy Ruthie!"

"Hey, Aaron," Ruthie waved back at the little boy. Her heart warmed when Aaron would call her, _"Mommy Ruthie." _She looked toward Sandy, who did not seem to care that his son was calling another woman _"Mommy_._" _In fact, Sandy's face was glowing with a joyful grin.

"There you are, Sandy!" Lucy grinned joyously. She set the cooked smoked ham on the oven and without removing her oven mitts she shuffled toward Sandy and wrapped her arms around Sandy. "You're absolutely glowing…are congratulations in order?" Lucy asked with hopefulness in her voice.

Sandy's eyes twinkled toward her husband, whose eyes also shined with happiness. The couple nodded. "The treatment was successful," Sandy grinned. "I am pregnant! Five weeks to be exact." Ruthie's jaw dropped, knowing she should be happy for Sandy. She was well aware that Sandy and Jonathan had been struggling to get pregnant. They had been aware it wasn't Sandy, but it was Jonathan. He had a low sperm count. Thus, Sandy and Jonathan had decided to try In-Vitro Fertilization. This was their first attempt.

Lucy squealed. "Congratulations!" Her arms threw around Sandy, and then Jonathan.

"Yes, congratulations," Ruthie forced a smile, and forced herself to give Sandy a hug. After releasing herself from Sandy, she gave Jonathan a nod, who nodded back.

"Your support means a lot, Ruthie," Sandy smiled weakly, tears appeared to be watering up within her eye sockets. The veins inside her eyes became bloodshot red, and her dark brown eyes started to shimmer with the water building within them. She turned toward Martin, who had his hand placed on his son's dark brown head. "Both of yours means a lot," Sandy continued. She gripped her husband's hand, "I feel so lucky to have such an amazing husband, and that Aaron has such a supportive father and stepmother." She turned toward Lucy, "And, Luce, I know I wouldn't be here now without you. I know I would have never made it into the ministry."

"Awe, Sandy, you're a good person," Lucy smiled. "Good things happen to good people, and you're a great mother. You and Jonathan deserve to have a baby together, and I'm sure that child will be raised with love."

Sandy's eyes showed absolute awe and delight. Ruthie's heart pounded, she bit her tongue and simply nodded. "Lucy's right," she said, though she knew she didn't mean it, "Look at Aaron, after all." She edged closer to her husband and patted his shoulder.

"I'm already a good big brother!" Aaron chimed. "I can't wait for my real mommy to have another baby!" He ran toward his mother and wrapped his arms around Sandy. "I love you, Mommy!" Ruthie's heart sunk, though she forced herself to continue to wear a smile. She looked at the love in Sandy's face as she wrapped her arms around her son. Ruthie could not control the way she felt, she just did. She found herself wishing that Aaron was hers, and not Sandy's. What if Martin had gotten her pregnant summer, and not Sandy? On the weekends that Aaron was with her and Martin, she would fantasize that was what had happened. She had slept with Martin, and Sandy never had.

She knew that would have changed the course of her life forever. For one, her parents would have killed Martin. Maybe it was better that she had gotten pregnant _after _her parents were dead. Sometimes she could not imagine what would have happened if it had been her instead of Sandy. She was only fifteen that summer; she was too young to have a child. After all, she would have never gotten to go to Scotland. At least she had the opportunity to experience one exciting adventure during her teen years before she had ended her childhood forever by getting pregnant. No matter what, though, she would always look at Aaron as hers. Nothing could take away the undying love she felt for him. He was her fourth child.

Ruthie had almost forgotten that Peter was standing there. He was now across from her, now that she stood next to her own husband. Peter was shaking his head. Ruthie realized that his eyes were fixed on her. He looked as if he were reading her face, like he could tell the undying love she felt for Aaron and the jealousy she felt toward Sandy.

Pitter-pattering stomped through the hallway, and soon Cari appeared, shortly followed by Candi. "Mommy, Daddy!" Cari was whining; tears were watered up in her eyes. "Charlie pulled my hair. He called me and Candi babies!" Ruthie couldn't help but notice Peter flinch when Cari said_, "Daddy." _Martin's attention immediately focused toward the girls, and Peter crossed his arms, seeming to only be observing the dirty blonde four-year-old.

Ruthie's jaw dropped, glancing toward her oldest sister, who only shrugged. "Charlie did _what_?" Lucy immediately took her attention toward the two children. She dragged her feet toward Cari and Candi, gently grabbing the girls' shoulders. Candi's eyes were dry, but her face was scrunched up and her lip stuck out. "Girls, tell me, where is Charlie, and where are your other cousins?"

"Riah, Bekah, and Madi and Cassi are in the living room telling Uncle Mattie, Aunt Sari, and Aunt CeeCee, Roxy, and Chandler everything," Candi answered first.

"Charlie went upstairs with Noah, Jake, Savannah, and Emmy went upstairs. Charlie didn't call Jake and Noah any names, but he called Crissy and Jenny stupid," Cari announced.

"Oh yeah, he called Josh a baby too," Candi added on. "He said that girls under six are babies, and boys under five are babies."

"Where are Josh, Crissy, and Jenny?" Mary suddenly took an interest to the conversation between the children. Prior to her question she had appeared to be in "never-never land."

"Josh is in the living room too. He's crying in Aunt Sari's arms, because his brothers left him. Merideaf went up to the attic with Saia and Clay. Uncle Sammy heard about what Charlie did and said he was going to go give Charlie a piece of his own medicine! Uncle Sammy and Davy went upstairs with Crissy and Jenny, and Jeffrey's with them too." Cari cried, and all of a sudden she stopped dead. Her eyes set on Aaron, like she had just noticed he was there. "Aaron!" she cried and ran toward her half-brother. She wrapped her arms around him. He was only about four inches taller than Cari and Candi. Behind Cari, Candi also ran toward her older brother.

"We misseded you!" the twins said at the same time.

"I missed you too!" Aaron smiled. "And where's this Charlie? I'll go give him a piece of his own medicine too. Nobody calls my sisters babies!"

Lucy was shaking her head. "Kids, violence is not the answer," she sighed, her head continued to shake. "I cannot believe my Savannah would allow Charlie to be such a jerk." She flashed a disgusted look toward her oldest sister. "I mean, I know Savannah idolizes her older cousin, she always has, but this is ridiculous. Savannah has been raised better." Lucy released deep breath; her nose stuck up high above Mary's head.

"What are you implying?" Mary snarled toward Lucy. "Are you implying that it is _my _fault that my son is teasing his own sisters and cousins? Right, like I told him that it is all right to tease others. After being raised in this household, I've done my best to teach my children to live by the moral to 'treat others how they would like to be treated.' But I hated to tell you, sister, it's not that easy. Schools in New York are different than here. Charlie has picked up on a lot of his actions from his friends. I can't control that! Boys will be boys."

"Oh please," Ruthie rolled her eyes. "Don't play that game with us, Mary. We parents are our children's first teachers. Kids in public schools are the same everywhere. They're just as bad here as they are here, and Matt's boys don't go around teasing everyone, and neither do Lucy's girls. Just because…" She bit her lip and stopped. "Never mind, I don't need this. I'm better than that." Her face burned like a furnace as she felt eyes setting on her, including Peter's own eyes.

"Like hell!" Mary growled. "Were you not listening? Savannah, Jake, and Noah went right along with my son. Maybe you need to get a hearing aid." Ruthie clasped her teeth together, biting her tongue. _Yeah, _she thought_, that's only because her son is their role model. _

"Ladies, ladies," Jonathan was shaking his head. The room went silent as everyone's eyes laid on Jonathan. His face flushed red as he firmly spoke, "Let's try and remind ourselves which ones of us are the children, and which are the adults."

Before anyone could beg to differ, the backdoor swung open. Kevin, Simon, and Carlos stood before them and Lucy released a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness!" she cried, running toward her husband. Giving him a peck on the cheek she gleamed, "You're just in time. I was beginning to get worried that there would be no tree before the remainder of our guests arrived. She looked past Carlos, Simon, and Kevin. "So, where's the tree?" She grabbed her husband's hands, Kevin's hand, anxiously with anticipation staring into his solid eyes.

Simon's face was already a strawberry pink color. He was dressed in his winter coat and even had his ear muffs on his ears. He shivered with his arms crossed. Ever since that unfortunate day that the bullet had landed in his flesh, Simon had endured circulation problems. Even on the warmest of summer days, he was chilled.

"I'm going to go check on my wife," Simon insisted, rushing past everyone. He patted Candi and Cari on the heads, and soon disappeared into the hallway, which lead to the living room.

Kevin stood stiff and tall as he glanced toward Carlos, whose two arms were behind his back. Hesitantly, Carlos brought forth his arms. An 8-inch stick with small green pines coming from it became visible.

"Um, what is that?" Lucy inquired, appearing captivated by the tree. She lifted one of her thin eyes with inquiry and curiosity.

"It is our Christmas tree, I guess," Kevin hesitantly answered, gritting his teeth together. His eyes widened with fright and he forced a faux smile, as though he knew what was coming. All complexions which had been in her face slowly diminished.

Lucy's face turned ghastly as her eyes bulged into round stricken balls. Just when everyone expected her begin screaming, she started to laugh uncontrollably. She laughed so hard that she lost her breath and she had to gasp for a breath of air.

Kevin's brows stretch and his forehead crinkled, he appeared to be stupefied. Ruthie had the gut feeling that Kevin was not kidding. She looked at her husband, Sandy, Jonathan, and even Peter. From the looks on their faces, they felt the same way she did.

"Uncle Kevvy, you're silly!" Candi giggled.

"Yeah, that can't be our Christmas tree!" Cari announced. "It's too small!"

Lucy was still bustling with laughter, shaking her head ferociously. If Ruthie didn't know better, she would have questioned what her sister was on. "Don't worry, girls," Lucy laughed, ruffling the girls' heads with her hand. She turned to her husband, straightening her face in a serious manner. She adjusted her shoulders and stood tall. "All right, let's get serious," she said with her stern eyes aiming toward her husband. "The real tree is in the car, right? The rest of the guys are in the living room if you need some help getting it in."

Kevin's face remained straight. His eyes aimed into his wife's, not blinking once. "Luce," he slowly responded. "This…this isn't a joke. Luce, I hate to tell you, but Simon, Carlos, and I went to all the places that sell trees in town. This was all we could come up with. And it cost us forty-five dollars, so let's make use of it."

A cumbersome silence beckoned the room. Lucy's face flushed red and she shook her head again. "Kevin, that can't be. It's only December twentieth! I mean, come on, it's not like it is December twenty-fourth. There are plenty of trees left, there has to be!"

"That…piece of wood…cost you forty-five dollars?" Mary smirked, pointing laughingly at the tree that her husband was still holding. "You're kidding me, right?"

Carlos's Puerto Rican skin that covered his face paled. He shook his head. "I wish we were," he insisted. "But it appears everyone in town must be holding their Christmases early, for everyone fears that mañana es el Día de la Muerte."

Mary shook her head, "That's ridiculous. The world is not going to end tomorrow. You know why, because it's already tomorrow in Australia! How on Earth can we trust the calendar of a tribe of people who couldn't even defend themselves to prevent their own extinction? People need to get a grip." Her eyes shot directly toward Lucy when she tagged on her last sentence.

"Excuse me?" Lucy snarled. "What are you insinuating?"

"Oh, nothing, says the person who had to have her Christmas party on December twentieth instead of December twenty-second, or twenty-third, or twenty-fourth, or twenty-fifth." Mary rolled her eyes.

"Nobody said you had to come!" Lucy sniped. "In fact, I only invited Carlos and the kids! I had no idea you were coming, seeing as we haven't seen you in a whopping _four years_! And now you show up like you own the place." She shook her head and before Mary could say another word, she turned toward her husband and Carlos. Hesitantly, Lucy took the tree from Carlos's hands. "You know," she whispered. "It's…actually…sort of cute, or it will be once it's decorated." Lucy turned her head toward the three children in the head. She bent down and handed the tree to Aaron. "Kids, how would you like to take our…tree…into the living room and decorate it? Girls, tell your Uncle Matt and I'm sure he'll go get the decorations out for you."

The twins looked at each other with wide eyes and finally nodded in agreement. "Okay!" the both agreed.

"It is kind of cute," Aaron insisted. "It's a baby Christmas tree, right guys?" He aimed his eyes toward his little sisters. Lucy and Sandy both laughed softly at Aaron's creativity.

"Yes, it's a baby tree!" Candi agreed with Aaron, and Cari nodded in agreement with her sister. Soon, the three siblings disappeared into the living room, leaving the remainder of the adults alone.

Ruthie noticed how Peter's eyes continued to aim with curiosity at the girls as they swayed out of the room. Martin took note to where Peter's line of sight was. His face angered with Peter's apparent interest in his daughters. "Don't look at my girls like that," he snarled, wrapping his arm around Ruthie. Ruthie felt her shoulders tense up with the warmth from her husband's sweater rubbing onto her. "I know what you're thinking. You're such a fool, Peter."

"Excuse me?" Peter clenched his fists tightly and hounded toward Martin. His eyes were ferocious, like a dog about to attack his prey. "Tell me, Martin Brewer, what am I thinking?"

"Oh, please, like I have to. Everyone in this room knows what you are thinking," Martin cackled slightly.

"I'm afraid you've lost me, Martin," Mary responded slyly. "I can't say I know what he's thinking, maybe you should explain." Martin's face buffered straightly with Mary's snide comment. Mary shook her head and placed her hand on Peter's shoulder. "You know, I never knew Peter that well, but from what I've heard, it's a shame that my little sister didn't end up with him instead of scum like you, Martin."

"Mary…" Lucy said warningly.

"I mean," Mary said slowly. "What _were _you thinking, after all, when you married my sister, Martin? You never once questioned the paternity of the girls. Ruthie was living in New York with me at the time, and yeah, I know she was with you that one time. But you never once questioned if she had been with anyone else?"

Ruthie's face burned warmly as she felt Peter's eyes shoot a glance at her. _Mary wouldn't, _she thought_, she just wouldn't! _But her heart knew that Mary would. Had Mary only come back this Christmas to make her life hell? Of course she had. _Why now? _Ruthie wondered. Her eyes shot toward the calendar hanging on the wall near the wall phone. _December 20, 2012_; Mary had to make sure that Martin and Peter knew everything before the end of days. _What a hypocrite! _

"Um, I don't think it's my place to be here," Sandy said hesitantly. "I think I'm going to go help the kids decorate the tree." She tugged on her husband's wrist, appearing to be looking for his support.

Jonathan nodded. "Yes, that's a good idea, dear. Let's go help them." Sandy and Jonathan soon disappeared into the hallway, leaving Ruthie alone with Peter, Mary, Carlos, Kevin, and Lucy.

Lucy shook her head. "I can't take anymore of this," she somberly murmured. "Kevin, can you go upstairs and check on Savannah, Charlie, and whoever else is with them? Inside sources have told me that Savannah and Charlie aren't being so nice to the younger children. I have to get the food out of the oven." She stopped, appearing sleuth-like, and turned toward Ruthie, Martin, Mary, and Peter, "And I think that you kids should take this _outside_."

Kevin swallowed hard. "Savannah's not being nice?" he appeared shocked. "That doesn't sound like my little girl. I shall go see what's up with her."

"Something tells me that _someone _is being a bad influence on her," Lucy snarled, hinting toward Mary, whose eyes shot toward her husband's.

Carlos shook his head. "Charlie has been going through a mean stage lately. Let me go up with you, Kevin, and see if I can have a little father-to-son pep talk with him." Kevin nodded, and the two husbands and fathers disappeared up the stairs. Ruthie was officially alone with her sisters, husband, and ex-boyfriend.

"All right, now," Martin snarled at Mary. "Why _would _I question my daughters' paternity? Ruthie's no ho, not like you, hah, you little slut!" He let go of Ruthie, pushing his tall pointer finger toward Mary.

"Did we not hear me?" Lucy asked quietly, she then barked, "OUTSIDE!"

Ruthie's face flustered and all the muscles in her body tightly tensed together. She pushed toward the door and opened it. Martin, Mary, and Peter all followed after her. Her heart beat rapidly with all anxiety. She did not know what to say, as she turned around and found herself standing in a square circle with her husband, ex-boyfriend, and sister, who she had not spoken to in years.

"All right," Martin said; his voice deep voice was full of bitterness. "Let's get this all settled. Because I don't know about you all, because I am as lost as hell."

Ruthie's neck throbbed, fearing what was about to come.

* * *

**Author's note: **I'm sorry for the delay, and I'm sorry to leave it here. I was going to do NaNoWriMo, but the last couple weeks have been a little hectic. Most of my big projects have been turned in, so that's good. Finals are the week after this, and then I'll have a week off. Hopefully I'll be able to finish this by the end of the year, but we'll see. The next couple chapters are going to be intense.


	49. Inferno

Outside Heaven

Chapter 49

Inferno

A light wind brushed against Ruthie's forehead. Her dark brown perm blew with the cool wind. She hugged herself tightly, holding her body heat close to herself.

She tilted her head and gawked at her feet for a moment, feeling incredulously self conscious. Her eyes set on her white tennis shoes which she had not removed when she was inside the house. Growing up, her parents had never been sticklers about removing shoes while inside, and for her sisters and her, that had carried over. Ruthie would never remove her shoes when she would visit other people's homes. When she was a kid, she never knew when she would unexpectedly go outside. Thus, she never saw the point in removing her shoes.

Her heart felt as if it were strung in knots. It continued to thump with a rhythmic beat. She allowed her eyes to continue to focus on the ground. The backyard to the parsonage remained intact the way it had been since she was a small child. Her feet stood atop the cement step that connected to the kitchen door. If she were to step down, she would be on the same level as Mary, Martin, and Peter. They stood on the musty-colored green grass. There was a yellowish tint to the grass; the early-afternoon air was stale, and they had not had a rain storm in weeks. It was unusual for them not to see rain during the winter rainy season.

The wooden bench which had always sat near the fence was still intact. Her eyes stopped solidly at the only new addition to the backyard. Ruthie's heart would tighten every time she would see it. It was a pearl-stone statue shaped like a heart, which read in the middle of its valves: _In Loving Memory of Eric and Annie Camden, the loving parents of seven. _Underneath it, each of the seven children's names was inscribed from oldest to youngest.

Ruthie still clearly remembered the dispute Matt and Lucy had gone through when Lucy had gone to get it custom inscribed. She had wanted to leave out Mary, but Matt had argued that doing that would defeat the purpose. Even though none of the siblings were speaking to Mary at the time, Matt had insisted that it was only right to include her. After all, she was their sister, and Eric and Annie's daughter. Matt had insisted that their parents would have wanted it.

She realized that she was not the only one whose eyes were embedded on the monument. Disregarding Martin's glare at her, Mary's gaze was directed past Martin, whose body blocked Mary's direct view of the monument.

Mary shook her head, and Ruthie noticed the water that had built up in her luminous eyes. She rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath. Martin jerked his head around, realizing what Mary and Ruthie were looking at. He only rolled his eyes and let out a loud sigh. "I need answers," he demanded and added, "and now."

"You and me both," Peter let out a loud sigh, avoiding eye contact with Martin and Ruthie. Instead his eyes looked at Ruthie. Her muscles tensed as Peter spoke. "I really didn't want to come here. My parents have never insisted I come because they know the awkward tension it brings between you and me, no offense. I forgave you years ago, I really did, Ruthie. I just didn't want _this_ to happen," he shot a snide look toward Martin and continued, "I knew that you had kids, but I didn't know how old they were. I guess when my parents would mention you I would always tune them out. Ruthie…" he stopped, liquid twinkled in his eyes, and Ruthie's heart became tense as it throbbed. "Ruthie," he repeated her name, "I have never forgotten about that night." Ruthie's face burned, knowing exactly what he was talking about.

"Wait a minute," Martin demanded forcibly. His lips were sternly pressed together and he took a few steps closer to Peter. He stuck his finger toward Peter and mandated, "Let's get this straight, you didn't _want _to be here, right, Peter? Because 'this' would happen? What the hell is _this_? And why the _hell _are you here if you didn't want to be here, Peter Petrowski?"

Peter crossed his arms tightly and responded flatly, "I don't have to answer any of those questions, Martin Brewer. For once in your damn life, I wish you would stop being so selfish and self-conceited. I knew from the day I met you that you were trouble; that very first day you meandered your way into the Camden kitchen. I mean, seriously, who just walks in someone's house and starts eating out of their refrigerator? Talk about rude."

Martin's face burned with fluster. His eyes flashed toward Peter and snarled, "It wasn't just _anyone's _house; and if I remember right, you spent plenty of time at the Camden house before you were _friends _with Ruthie. Talk about hypocritical."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Martin!" Peter's eyes shot toward Ruthie. "Ruthie, we were friends before I started hanging out at your house, right?" His deep blue eyes coiled with sincerity and kindness. Ruthie felt her face begin to burn hotly as his eyes laid on her. She didn't know what to say; so much time had passed, and suddenly all her past friendships seemed to blur into one big cluster.

"Ruthie?" Martin nagged. His voice insisted that she clarify in her favor. Her head throbbed; she had worse thoughts circling in her mind.

"I don't know," was all Ruthie could gasp out. Martin threw his hands up like he had just been betrayed. He exasperated a loud sighing groan.

"Oh, please," Mary rolled her eyes groggily. "Who cares which one of you took advantage of Ruthie the most? Though, my bets on Morgan—Martin—whatever; and sadly, I barely know Peter here. I only knew 'of' him, of course. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to get in contact with his mother—who happens to be a very kind lady, by the way—and get his cell phone number."

An encumbering silence took over the four. Their eyes wandered and finally Ruthie responded to Mary's statement. "Y-You…_called _Peter?" she forced out the question with a hoarse whisper.

Mary let out an uncontrollable cackle. "I had a hell of a time convincing him he should come down for Christmas, you know? You don't _honestly _think he would come here all by himself, do you?"

Ruthie's head ached, wondering how Mary had even gotten Paris's number without Lucy's assistance. She had never told Mary Peter's last name. Somehow Mary must have been reading her thoughts.

"You see," Mary continued. "I knew I couldn't call Lucy and ask her for any favors, because, well, she hates my guts once again. Anyhow, the last Christmas I was here—the one you ran off, Ruthie—I remembered meeting Roxanne and Chandler _Hampton_. Roxanne and I hit it off quite well, in fact. Looking them up online wasn't hard at all. When I called Roxanne, she was more than willing to give me the contact information I needed, and she promised to not tell Lucy I called. It turns out she thinks that Lucy's a bit loony, and she thinks Lucy is a fake friend."

Ruthie's mouth dropped to the ground and it suddenly felt like she was in the desert. She couldn't believe Roxanne would actually tell Mary that Lucy was a _fake friend_. It just didn't sound like Roxanne. _Maybe Mary's making this up, _Ruthie thought. Mary always did like to over exaggerate. After all, there was that one time she had told Lucy she had had "adult relations" with one of Lucy's former boyfriends.

"Okay," Ruthie whispered. "I get why he's here. But why are you, Mary?" She felt a drip of sweat crawl down her forehead; her husband's eyes beat at her, they appeared lost with confusion.

Mary cracked a chuckle, taking a drink from the bottle she held in her hand. She snorted as she laughed. "I couldn't resist seeing you finally sink deep into puddle of mud you've created, Ruthie."

An eerie tingle rose in Ruthie's insides. Her heart pounded against the skin that surrounded her chest. A silence beckoned everyone's ears. She felt Martin's eyes beating on her, even though she was turned away from him. Her eyes continue to aim downward, trying their best not to meet with anyone else's.

"Ruthie, what is Mary talking about? What does she know that I don't? What is this puddle of mud that you have created?" Martin cried; Ruthie could tell he was lost in a pile of confusion. She felt a cold hand stroke her neck. "Ruthie, tell me. Whatever it is, I'm sure we can work it out."

Ruthie shook her head, knowing that would not be so. "No, Martin," she whispered, her voice cracked as blocks of moisture built up in the back of her mouth. "We cannot."

"What do you mean, Ruthie?" his voice calmed soothingly and he gently stroked her hair. "What is it that we couldn't possibly work out?"

She felt a tear begin to dribble out of her eyelid. She inhaled through her nose and exhaled through her nose as her heart raced faster and faster. It was a technique someone had once told her to induce relaxation. She repeated it three times, but she felt no sign of relaxation. Her muscles remained tense and her heart only pounded faster.

"Are you going to tell him?" Mary spat at her, taking a drink from the bottle in her hand. Her eyes glowed, and she smirked, "Or am I going to have to because you don't have the guts?" Ruthie clenched her fists together; every muscle in her body had officially tensed up. She would have given everything she had at that moment to slap Mary across the face. Mary snickered, "That's what I thought."

Martin massaged Ruthie's shoulders, but not even that could release the tension and fluid clogging up her muscles. "Ruthie, whatever it is—."

"—Martin, you're not the only one my slut of a sister slept with that Christmas the girls were conceived," Mary cut in. "As much as I _hate_ to be the one to tell you, but it's true. She left your house and Peter here picked her up and they, well, I'm sure you can infer the rest if you have any brain whatsoever in that small noggin of yours." Mary patted Peter's shoulder; she grinned widely and took another sip of the bottle in her hand.

Every organ in Ruthie's body seemed to stop at once. Wearily, she turned her head to Martin's frozen face. Slowly, he removed his warped hand from her shoulder. His expression did not change as his hand moved. For the following moments his face remained as an ice sculpture. Even his face paled white like he had been held under a head of ice.

"Well, are you going to say something?" Mary cackled. "I know if I were you, I'd certainly have a few words to say to my sister."

Martin gritted his teeth together. "You're lying," he whispered, pointing his forefinger at Mary. "You're full of it, aren't you?" He grabbed Ruthie's shoulder again and shook his head. "Ruthie, tell me she's lying. You didn't, you wouldn't, right? You would have told me if there were some possibility that—"

Ruthie shook her head. "Martin," she whispered hoarsely. Her nose had flushed red and the chilly wind flared her nostrils. A pinch of liquid had started to run down her nose. She rubbed her nose and felt the grimy feeling touch her hand. "It's true." A tear rolled down her cheek. "I was upset, Martin, and Peter was there for me." Her dark brown eyes couldn't bear to look into Martin's. She glanced toward Peter, whose eyes had closed and he appeared to be swallowing hard. Mary still had her hand on his shoulder.

"You bastard!" she felt Martin's eyes fire toward Peter. "You fucking bastard! I can't believe you!" He turned to Ruthie. "Look at me, bitch!" He grabbed her shoulder and turned her around. Her eyes lined up with his fiery green eyes full of anger and resentment. "I should have known," Martin shook his head. "You tried to con me before, why didn't I see it coming this time?"

"Martin, I didn't—"she whispered, knowing she had not conned him into raising her daughters. He had volunteered. She would have never accepted his offer to marry her if he had not been so passionate about helping her raise the girls.

"—oh like hell, you had it all schemed up, didn't you?" Martin shook his head. "You were planning it for months while you were God knows where, weren't you? Well, it sure explains why you didn't tell me you were pregnant." He clamped his fists together. "That should have been my first hint."

"For your information," Ruthie growled, inhaling through her nose and mouth at the same time just trying to get enough air to speak, "I was living with _her_," she viciously pointed to Mary, "and I never would have been capable of living a lie for this long if it weren't for _her_, the person who insisted 'it doesn't matter who fathered the child, it only matters who cares for the child.'"

Mary's face flushed red, taking a quick sip of her unmarked bottle. Martin's and Peter's eyes both flashed toward her.

"I-Is that true?" Peter mouthed. "You told Ruthie not to tell us?"

Mary didn't say anything, so Ruthie growled, "Like hell she did, and of course she's the professional of telling lies! You know why? Because, well, let's say she's living the same lie I have, only for six years!" Mary's eyes widened. "Oh shit, Mary," Ruthie rolled her eyes, "did you forget you told me?"

Before Mary could respond, the backdoor swung open. Lucy, followed by Matt, Carlos, and Kevin stepped out. Lucy's eyes were wide with shock; Matt, Kevin, and Carlos stood with their arms crossed, their faces straight, and their eyes wide. Matt's eyes wandered aimlessly between his oldest sister and his youngest sister.

"Spying, were we?" Mary raised her hands up high. "And you were the one who kicked us out here!" Mary shot her pointer finger at the middle Camden daughter. "If you wanted to hear what we were fighting about, then just maybe you should have let us stay in the kitchen! You wouldn't have had to spy!"

Lucy slowly shook her head and placed her hands on her hips. She opened her mouth, appearing to attempt to search for words to say. "F-From the s-sounds o-of everything, y-you should be glad I kicked y-you guys out," Lucy stuttered her words out.

Matt nodded in agreement with his sister. "We have a whole houseful in there," he spoke in his doctor-like tone. "I reckon you wouldn't want the whole house hearing what I—we—just heard." He winked directly at Mary. Ruthie's tongue curled in her throat as she swallowed hard. She figured they had been listening for quite awhile, which meant that they had heard all about her. Yet, their eyes were aiming at Mary, who continued to furnish her body with the drink in her hand.

Carlos's face was pale, as pale as could be considering his Hispanic heritage. His gray eyes had watered up as he looked at his wife. "Is it true, Mary?" he whispered. "Have you been lying to me for six years? If that's the case, and my math is correct, that means…" He covered his eyes with his hands and shook his head. When he lowered his hands, his bloodshot eyes were full of liquid. "I should have known," he spoke. "Soy un idiota."

"You're not an idiot," Lucy contradicted, her eyes flared with fire. She aimed her eyes aimed angrily at Mary. "Mary's the only idiot here." She ended with a staccato. Her eyes turned to Ruthie and finally said, "And you, Ruthie, for taking this moron's advice!" Her hands aimed at Mary as she uttered the word _"moron." _Ruthie swallowed, knowing in her heart what Lucy said was true.

"It's not my fault," Ruthie tried to protest, against her inner-knowledge, knowing there was no point in putting up a fight. "It's not like I wanted to do it." She turned to Martin, her eyes full of tears. "I never wanted to hurt you," she sobbed, leaning closer to him. Her hand brushed against Martin's face as she whispered, "I never wanted to hurt you."

He pushed her away. "If you never wanted to hurt me, you would have been honest with me from the beginning," he mouthed and turned to Peter. "And it's not only me you have hurt," he spoke solemnly, "as much as I hate the guy; think about Peter, too; and for heaven's sake, what about those two little girls in there who call me, 'Daddy'?" He aimed his eyes at a silent Peter, whose eyes were bloodshot red. His face was covered with salty watered tears.

"Not your fault?" Lucy rolled her eyes. Matt was looking up at the sky as if he were praying. "Ruthie, you're the only one in control of your own actions!" She grabbed her husband's wrist and said, "Kevin, explain to her, please! I can't take this _drama_ anymore!" Lucy fell into her husband's arms and cried staining tears.

Kevin gripped onto his wife tightly and turned to Ruthie. "Unless Mary threatened your life and literally forced you—"

"—I'm done. I am absolutely done with this!" Martin hollered, pushing past Matt, Kevin, and Carlos. He disappeared into the kitchen. By gut reaction Ruthie followed after her husband.

"Martin, wait!" she cried, opening the door to see her husband standing alone in a kitchen full of Christmas goodies. The warm scent of food filled Ruthie's nostrils. She could hear chatter and holiday music coming from down the hallway. A child's giggling and pattering thudded inside her ears. There it was, only a few days before Christmas, and Mary had showed up only to ruin the holiday spirit. She always had a way of ruining everything. If it wasn't one thing, it was another.

She watched Martin grab his car keys out of his pocket and fling them across the counter. He clenched his fist and turned around. "Go away!" he cried. Tears had actually begun to roll down his face. Ruthie thought hard, trying to count a time she had seen him cry. Physically, she could not remember seeing actual tears come from his eyes. Emotionally, she knew that he cried on the inside all the time. He was a sensitive guy, and whenever he would talk about his mother he would say that he started to cry on the inside. Her heart poured with tears to see the man she had loved at such a young age cry.

"Martin," she began, but he wouldn't let her finish.

"Ruthie, if you expect me to say that everything's going to be okay, that I forgive you, I'm sorry, but you're mental. This is huge. It's not something like kissing another guy. Ruthie, you bore twin daughters, and you don't even know who the father is! You let me believe that I was. Ruthie Camden, I don't know how you can live with yourself. You and your filthy sister deserve to burn in hell. What is it with you Camdens? I think I was right when I told your father that you're all screwed in the head! You damn Camdens! I'd do anything to stop myself from meeting you people!" He huffed in and out, and clenched his fist tightly.

She didn't know what he was talking about, telling her father that "all the Camdens were messed up in the head." But she supposed he had a point. They weren't normal. But was normal? What defined "normal"? As far as she was concerned, she had had about as "normal" of a childhood as one could have. She had grown up with two loving parents, who had given her everything she needed. They had not been overly spoiled, though they had much more than other children out in the world. Where had her parents gone wrong?

Her mother had been a little haywire herself. Ruthie remembered how crazy she had gone when Ruthie's grandfather had gotten engaged. And then there was the time Lily had shown up engaged. Then there was that Thanksgiving nobody would forget; Matt and Sarah had shown up a week before Thanksgiving because they had to work on Thanksgiving. Her mother had flipped because they had not shown up when she "planned" them. Her mother wasn't normal; thus, neither were her daughters.

What about the Camden men, though? Her father had had his very moments. Ruthie had been so young when Matt had gotten busted with pot. She could remember how angry her father had been, how he had exploded at Matt. She remembered feeling so sorry for Matt. Ruthie had always looked up to Matt. Though, even now, she knew he was no saint.

Everything Matt had done in his prime was so minor to everything Mary had done. He had gotten arrested, but he had only been covering up for Mary. When he did that, he proved he was a true man. He was willing to sacrifice his good record for his sister. Unfortunately, he couldn't save her from the real trouble she would encounter two years later.

Looking back, even though her parents had never given him credit, Simon had turned out the most normal of the Camden broad. Lucy appeared to live a normal life, but she was just living up to be Annie Version 2, which Ruthie remembered thinking many years ago. When their father had been alive, Kevin had spent a lot of time with Eric. There were times Ruthie could look at her sister and brother-in-law and see her mom and dad all over again. Sometimes it would bring a tear to her eyes.

Simon may not have made the wisest choices, but at least he had a normal life to account for. Sure, he had engaged in pre-marital sex, and because of that he had had a pregnancy scare and a STD scare all-too soon. But she hadn't been pregnant, and he didn't have a STD. What he did have was a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter, and a son on the way. He had a successful career, and he had successfully supported his family without the assistance of his family or Cecilia's family. He had always done well with money, and after digging himself out of the debt Rose had put him in, he was back on top of the financial wall. He was well off.

One could argue there wasn't a thing Simon did that Matt didn't. Despite his hard work and well-off family, that didn't change the fact he was still a lot like his father. Matt had taken upon himself to take on their father's role. Even though he had always said when he was a child that he wouldn't be like Eric when he grew up, there was no denying that he was just like him. He always had an eye on his siblings, and still do that day he felt the need to protect them. There were times Ruthie would catch him talking to his children just like her father had spoken to her as a child. Matt and Kevin had become good buds, and that was because they both lived in the image of Eric Camden.

"I can't stand to look at you," Martin whispered, "I have to go." He jetted toward the hallway, heading for the front door. Soon he disappeared into the darkness of the hallway. Just as he had gone, Ruthie noticed the keys still lying on the counter. _He can't drive the car without the keys, _she thought, slowly grabbing the keys and setting them in her pocket. She found herself running after him.

When she entered the living room, Martin was already at the door and turning the handle. He turned around and she watched him roll his eyes. The room was crowded full of people. Ruthie looked around at all the familiar faces, many of which she had not seen in months; some, years. Cecilia was still sitting on the couch; Paris and Vic were across from her. Next to Cecilia now sat Simon. Sarah was sitting in the chair engaging in a conversation with Paris, Vic, Simon, and Cecilia.

On the floor, a circle had been form of children. Ruthie's own daughters were sitting on the floor. It took Ruthie a moment to realize that it was Lynn who was leading the circle. Lynn had not changed a wince since Ruthie had last seen her. She had a mature nature about her; that was all Ruthie could note. Chandler had his arm around Roxanne in the corner, and Sandy and Jonathan were also standing by them; they appeared to be engaged in deep conversation. Robbie and Patty Mary had also arrived; Patty Mary held a sleeping baby dressed in a red and green sweat suit in her arms.

"Hi, Mommy and Daddy!" Candi exclaimed, jumping off the floor and racing over to Ruthie to wrap her arms around her mother. She was soon followed by her twin sister. "Where you going, Daddy?" her eyes gleamed toward the door.

"Yes, where are you going?" Ruthie asked, clenching the keys she held in her pocket; knowing he couldn't possibly be going far.

He swallowed. "I-I'm just going over to Grandpa's," he explained.

"Are you asking him over?" Cari smiled, running over to Martin to wrap her arms around him.

"I guess you could say that," Martin patted the little girl's back; his tears had dried, but as the little girl's arms flung around him, Ruthie watched his eyes water up again.

"Okay!" the twins each chimed. Slowly, Martin turned around and turned the knob. Before he could exit, loud steps pounded from the hallway. Ruthie's heart dropped and she turned around to see Mary and Carlos stomping through the hallway. With the disturbance, they received everyone in the room's attention. When Martin and Ruthie had entered, not a head turned. But with Mary's entrance, everyone seemed to notice.

"Have it your way, I'm gone! You can have my family, Carlos, since obviously they prefer you to me! It's been like that ever since we married!"

"And whose fault is that?" Carlos snapped back. "Who was it that didn't want her own parents at the birth of her first child? I can't help myself to ask: is _he _my son?" As Carlos spoke those words, Martin's eyes widened as if he had just had an epiphany.

"You…of course he is!" Mary cried. "I can't even think you'd think that! My God, Carlos."

"Well, let's see, until ten minutes ago…"

"Daddy, what's wrong?" small fingers were tugging on Carlos's fingers. Both Mary and Carlos had been reluctant to realize that Crissy and Jenny were on the floor playing a game with the other children. Mary and Carlos both looked at each other.

"Well, I'm not explaining it to them. You can do that, Mary, since this is your doing," Carlos stated blandly.

"Explain what?" Jenny asked inquiringly.

Pounding came from the steps above them, as Charlie, Savannah, Emmy, Jacob, and Noah appeared. "We heard yelling," Savannah stated as the children landed their feet on the main level.

"What's going on?" Charlie inquired at his parents, whose eyes flustered.

"What's going on is," Mary began, "we're leaving. Go get your stuff, Charlie. We're going back to New York…without your father. He's staying here where he belongs."

"Huh?" Charlie's jaw dropped. "But why, Mom? That's not fair! I never get to see my cousins and friends here! I'm not going. I'm staying with Dad!" Charlie's voice ranted and tears started to form in the small eight-year-old boy's eyes. "I refuse!"

"Mary…" Carlos murmured. "Let him stay. He's clearly having a good time with his cousins."

Mary still held her bottle in her hand. Taking a large gulp she shook her head. "Says the man who—"

"—don't, Mary, not in front of the children," Carlos protested, cutting in.

The couple had everyone's attention, to the point Ruthie and Martin had completely been ignored. Martin still stood by the door, seemingly frozen. Candi and Cari still stood by him.

"We don't want to go either!" Jenny and Crissy both fussed at the same time. "We like our cousins!" Crissy wrapped her arms around Moriah, and Jenny gave Bekah a hug.

"Please, Mommy!" Jenny protested strongly.

"Too bad, so sad," Mary growled, grabbing both girls' hands. She turned to the crowd of people. "Now, who's going to take my daughters and me to the airport, huh?" At that moment, Lucy stormed in, nobody else was with her.

She turned to Roxanne and growled, "We need to talk. That's right, you and me." She pointed her fingers back and forth between her and Roxanne. Roxanne gave her husband a shocked look, who merely shrugged. Lucy grabbed Roxanne's wrist and the two disappeared into the hallway.

Sandy raised an eyebrow at Chandler. "I wonder what _that _could be about," she stated.

Chandler shook his head repeatedly. "It's Lucy, the possibilities are endless."

Sandy nodded in agreement, and she wasn't the only one nodding. Ruthie had a gut feeling she knew exactly what Lucy wanted to talk about with Roxanne with, remembering what Mary had said. Ruthie was only surprised her sister had not confronted Roxanne sooner.

Kevin and Matt entered the room a few moments later; that left Peter the only member of their 'party' missing. She wondered where he had disappeared off to. Dozens of eyes beat on Kevin and Matt.

"Don't ask, that's all I have to say," Matt insisted; Kevin nodded in agreement with his brother-in-law.

The room went silent. Mary's eyes continued to look around and she snootily spoke again, "Um, yeah, I need a ride…and fast…I can't stand here another moment, and I'm not calling a cab."

Ruthie hadn't even seen him standing in the corner, but Nigel Hamilton took a step forward and said, "Well, someone has to go pick up John's and Keisha's families at the airport; they're coming in at a later flight for various reasons. I don't suppose whoever goes and gets them could drop you guys off?"

Kevin nodded. "You can drive our car to go pick them up, Nigel." He fiddled in his pocket for his keys and handed them to Nigel. "It would be awfully kind of you to take Mary along with you."

"It's not a problem," Nigel insisted, smiling briefly. Mary, Crissy, Jenny, and Nigel soon disappeared out the door, leaving Charlie behind. Charlie remained standing next to his father, cousins, and Emmy. His eyes were wide, stricken with shock and confusion.

The room cooled, and Ruthie almost forgotten about Martin, who seemed to be in utter shock. Matt and Kevin appeared to take note to him for the first since their entrance. Both appeared in shock, since they were the only ones in the room who knew the whole story.

Martin pulled the door open moments later and stepped outside. Ruthie found herself standing at the door herself. She called out to him, "Where are you going, Martin?"

He looked back; his eyes were still watered up. "Where I told the girls I was going," he whispered. "I didn't lie to them, not like you. I have to tell my dad that his grandchildren may in fact not be his grandchildren." And he continued walking.

Ruthie's heart sunk deep inside her body. She flipped around and saw her daughters sitting on the floor again with Lynn. She knew that they could not stay at the parsonage. For, she knew she could not handle it. A moment later she found herself jetting up the stairway. Anger, frustration, anxiety, and so many other emotions rushed through her veins.

She barged into the room where the youngest children were playing. Whilst there, she encountered Peter and Meredith. Meredith's eyes were full of anger and resentment. Ruthie figured Peter had enlightened her on the most recent truths revealed. Neither spoke a word as Ruthie grabbed her son from the floor where he had been playing with his cousin. She disappeared out of the room and trampled downstairs, where she grabbed her daughters' hands.

"Come on, girls," she whispered, "let's get out of here."


	50. Jesus, Take the Wheel

Outside Heaven

Chapter 50

Jesus, Take the Wheel

The twins' watery big, round eyes gazed up at their mother with confusion. Ruthie sternly looked down at her girls and hoarsely whispered, "Come on." She grabbed Candi's hand and murmured, "Grab your sister's hand." Frowning, the little girl looked at her mother, and then at her sister; whose eyes watered as Cari shook her head, crossing her arms. Ruthie's muscles tensed, and even though she didn't want to force the four year old to do something against her will, Ruthie had no choice.

Ruthie could feel the tension in the room, and cold eyes beat down on her. Martin had already been gone when she had returned downstairs. And no matter how hard she tried to avoid her brothers' glares, she couldn't. Her oldest brother's eminent glare toward her stood out the most. Simon's face was covered with confusion as he gently stroked his pregnant wife's hand.

"Ruthie…" Matt whispered. His coffee brown eyes watered up. "It doesn't have to end like this, Ruthie. You don't have to take the same road as…" He stopped. The eyes of the confused looked at him, and even though he stopped, Ruthie knew exactly where he was going. _"You don't have to take the same road as Mary." _

But he was wrong. She did. It was her destiny. She was destined to be just like Mary; just as Lucy was destined to be just like Mom, and Matt was destined to be just like Dad. Destiny was destiny, and one could not change his or her own destiny. Only God could control man's destiny.

"But it does," she uttered and turned to her daughters, instructing, "Come on, girls. Grab each other's hands." A deep, stern voice overtook her tone. The little girls whimpered, each glancing toward their cousins, aunts, and uncles. Cari tightly wrapped her arms around Lynn, and Candi followed her.

Lynn hugged the girls back, and her dark brown eyes aimed toward Ruthie. They were full of perplexity. In response, Ruthie only shook her head. Ruthie reached her arm out and grabbed Cari's frail, pale hand. In return, Cari hesitantly reached toward her twin sister's hand. Reluctantly, Candi grabbed onto her sister.

Slowly turning, avoiding the painful, the lost, and the traumatized eyes on her, Ruthie made her way out of the door. Her son's head rested on her shoulder, and the twenty-pound toddler started to weigh down on her weak, trembling body. As much as she didn't want to admit it, leaving was just as hard on her as it was for the kids.

A tear bottled up inside her eyes. A light wind blew against her face as she opened the door, not looking back. She forcibly tugged at her daughter's wrist, and the girls followed after her. When she was outside, she set Clay down. Cari grabbed onto Clay's hand and tugged him along.

They were stopped at the van when Ruthie noticed something strange near the garage. It was a dark figure, lying flat on the ground. Stuck with confusion, Ruthie lifted the kids into the car and strapped Clay tightly in his car seat. Once the kids were strapped in securely, she turned and whispered to them, "I'll be right back."

She ran toward the body, when her worst fear became a reality.

"Ruthie," Nigel moaned, a trickle of blood rolled down his forehead. She squatted, making herself at eye-level to Nigel.

"What on Earth happened, Nigel?" She grabbed his shoulder, gently turning him over. She grabbed his wrist, helping him to his feet.

"Your oldest sister is quite the beast," he put bluntly. "When we got out here, she took the trashcan to my head. She took the keys and was gone…I just lay there, until you came out…my head hurt too badly to budge on my own." His dark brown finger pointed toward the empty trashcan.

Her jaw dropped open. "What about your family?" Ruthie insisted. "I thought you were taking Mary to the airport, and you were going to come back with Keisha, John, and the rest of the kids?"

"I was…" Nigel frowned. "How am I going to get them now?"

Ruthie closed her eyes, pausing as she thought. Finally she said, "Come with me, Nigel. You can use my car."

A swift look of confusion overtook his face as he unsteadily wobbled after her. Ruthie wondered if he had a concussion. His eyes wandered out of control, and the blood from his forehead continued to trickle down his forehead.

When they got to the car, Nigel took a seat in the passenger's seat. Ruthie reached for her glove compartment and pulled her the first aid kit. With children, it was important to always have a first aid kit. She gently dabbed his cut with peroxide, and took a gauze strip to cover over it. "There," she whispered, sincerely looking into his brown eyes.

"Thanks," he smiled, blinking a few times. He seemed to be refocusing his vision. He looked back where the children sat and whispered, "You were leaving anyway, weren't you, Ruthie?" She didn't respond, instead she started the car's ignition. The radio started to blare, but Nigel took his dark hand and turned it down to where she could barely hear it.

"Yes," she finally murmured. "Please don't ask, Nigel. I don't feel like explaining."

"That's understandable," Nigel said. "I wasn't going to ask why, but regardless, I don't think there's enough room in the car for Keisha, Neil, John, Priscilla, and all of the kids."

Ruthie knew he was correct. She slowly shifted the car into reverse and backed up. Once into the road, she shifted the car into drive and slowly began driving through the residential zone she had grown up in. Not much had changed in twenty-three years. The houses same houses stood where they had when she was a little girl, only different people lived in those houses. Lights, reindeer, Christmas trees, and other decorations filled the yards of these houses. Along with the change of residents, also had the decorations changed over the years. Nonetheless, the neighborhood still remained beautiful without snow. Ruthie had yet to see a white Christmas, having lived in California all of her life. She had seen snow in Scotland, in England, and in New York. But she had never been there on Christmas Day. She had always been forced to come "home."

She didn't look back at the parsonage as she drove away. Neither did she look at Martin's dad's house as she drove past it. As she drove on that December twentieth day, she felt as if she were driving away from her entire past. A past she had not been able to escape, no matter where she had gone in the globe. She had always managed to return. Something told her this time would be different. She would not be returning. And if she did, it would not be the same as it had been in the past.

When she merged onto the highway, she whispered, "You can have the car, Nigel."

"What?" she saw his black face turn blank through her peripheral eyes.

She didn't know what she was saying, or why she was saying it. Truth be told, she didn't know where she was going once she drove into the airport. An airport opened only a world of possibilities. _They _would never be able to find her, or know where to begin looking. She could fly to Timbuktu, and nobody would know.

But was that what she really wanted? Not even she knew. _It's time to release my grip; _she thought to herself_, it's time to let my destiny play out. _Her muscles tightened, and suddenly she felt as if she were no longer in control. An outer force had taken over her. Whatever choices she would make would be her destiny. She couldn't play with her own destiny.

"I won't need it anymore," she murmured. "It's all yours."

His perplexed face shook back and forth. She found herself veering off the highway and turning right toward the highway. A warm sensation covered her hands as she drove, as if someone else had taken the wheel from her hands.

"_I'm letting go. So give me one more chance. To save me from this road I'm on. Jesus, take the wheel," _she thought, recalling the lyrics she had heard time and time again over the radio back in the day. Her right arm fingered toward the radio, set on _The Oasis,_ which was, _"the best of the 90s, 00s, and now."_ Her heart fluttered lightly when she heard Carrie Underwood's voice fill her ears.

…_Jesus, take the wheel  
Take it from my hands  
Cause I can't do this on my own_

_I'm letting go  
So give me one more chance  
To save me from this road I'm on_

_Oh Jesus, take the wheel  
Oh, I'm letting go_

_So give me one more chance  
Save me from this road I'm on  
From this road I'm on  
Jesus, take the wheel  
Oh, take it, take it from me  
Oh, why, ooh_

The song ended, and the radio DJ started to talk. Apparently Carrie and Mike Fisher had just welcomed their first child, a little bouncing little girl named Martina; named after Carrie's idol, Martina McBride.

He went on to make a remark about tomorrow being December 21, 2012. _"We're posing this question for our viewers: Will we survive tomorrow? Call in now and let us know your opinion!" _

Ruthie rolled her eyes and slammed her hand against the radio button, turning it off. She shook her head, paying attention to the road again. They were only a block away from the airport. In the distance, she saw a police officer out directing traffic. When she looked farther, she could see why. There was a big accident. It looked like a semi-truck had smashed into a minivan.

The van was beyond recognizable. Ruthie rolled her eyes, wondering who was stupid enough to run into a semi truck. It wasn't like a semi truck wasn't visible. One had to be pretty blind to miss one.

She followed the police officer's directions, slowly making her way down the street. She turned into the airport and parked. Grabbing her purse, which held all her identification, she stepped out of the car. After unbuckling the kids, removing Clay's car seat, and letting the kids out, she stood up straight next to Nigel. Carefully, she removed her car keys from her keychain and handed them to Nigel.

"Here you go," she whispered.

He lifted his eye and spoke flatly, "Are you sure, Ruthie?"

"I'm sure," she responded bluntly. She picked up her son's car set and looked into her daughters' innocent eyes. "We'll be fine, don't worry about us."

Nigel wrapped his hand around the keys and nodded. "Thank you."

"If any of my family asks about me…" Ruthie began. "…Tell them I've gone on a trip far, far away. That's all you have to tell them."

Nigel shook his head. "I can't do that."

"What do you mean you can't do that?" her heart dropped as she snapped. "Yes you can, and you will. That's that." He didn't say anything. His eyes looked at the little frowning girls. Looking at the girls, his lips flipped downward. "What are you waiting for?" Ruthie inquired demandingly. "Go get your family. They've got to be here."

Ruthie watched a tear bottle up in his eyes, and he nodded. "Okay. Take care of yourself and the kids, Ruthie Camden. I hope I'm not going to regret this."

"You won't. Thank you, Nigel," Ruthie whispered. She watched him turn around and disappear, leaving Ruthie and the kids alone outside.

When Nigel was gone, Cari whimpered, "Mommy, where are we going to sleep? Where are we going?"

Ruthie didn't know the answer to that herself. She patted her daughter's head and murmured, "Don't worry about it, sweetie. Just don't worry about it."

From the parking lot where she stood, she could see the Glen Oak Inn. She soon found herself walking toward it. The girls trailed behind her. Their faces were frightened, and Ruthie didn't know what to tell them to make them feel better. Truth be told, she was just as frightened as they were.

Candi tugged at Ruthie's shirt. "Mommy, are we going to stay here?"

Ruthie didn't answer her, but her daughter had a good point. If all else failed, she could use her credit card—her only form of payment, since Martin's money was what had supported her for all those years. She and the girls could get a room. It would give her time to think; time to think about which city would be the best destination for her and the kids to 'get away' and start a new life.

Their shadows disappeared as a cloud covered up the sun. A splat of water spit on her forehead. A moment later, more rain started to come. Holding onto Clay's carrier weighed down on her muscles like bricks. She brought upon herself the strength to run toward the inn's lobby. Cari and Candi ran ahead of her.

The girls opened the glass door for her. Reaching for the dryness of the inside, Ruthie planted her feet on the carpet. An elderly woman with grey, curly hair sat at the desk. She had long dangly earrings. When Ruthie entered, she held a newspaper up to her face. She wore square spectacles, which were half-way down her nose.

At Ruthie's entrance, a bell sounded. The woman's head jolted and she lifted her glasses up her nose. "Well, hello, how may I help you?" the woman's voice was kind and gentle. She set her newspaper down and walked toward her computer.

"I, uh, need a room. One king-sized bed will do," Ruthie found herself saying. She quickly added, "Just one night will do for now."

"All right, now what's your name, Miss?" the woman gave her an inquiring look, as if she were in deep thought.

Ruthie clutched her credit card tightly in her hand, knowing she couldn't lie about her name. "It's Ruthie," she choked, "Brewer."

"All right, Miss Ruthie Brewer, it will be seventy-seven dollars for one room with one queen sized bed, now do you have a car?"

Ruthie shook her head, "No, we just flew in."

"All right then." Ruthie handed her the credit card and she slid it through the scanner. "You know," the woman said as she was sliding Ruthie's card, "you look awfully familiar Miss Ruthie. Do I know you? Are you from around Glen Oak?"

Ruthie quickly shook her head. Her voice rushed, "No, you don't know me. I've never been to Glen Oak in my life. We're just out here visiting some friends who recently moved here." She lied, but she knew she had to.

"I see, well I hope you enjoy your holiday, that is if we make it through tomorrow alive. Personally, I think it's all quite silly. Enjoy your night." She smiled at Ruthie and down at the children.

"Yeah, you too," Ruthie forced a smile. She grabbed Clay's carrier and motioned for the girls to follow her. The rooms were entered from the outside, so they had to go back outside. The rain had started to downpour heavily, much heavier than it had been when they had entered the inn.

Bracing herself, she took a deep breath and made a run through it, stopping at room 105, the room which matched her room key. She shifted Clay to her other arm and slid the key through its slider. The lock clicked, and before she could turn the handle, Cari had taken it upon herself to turn the knob.

She walked into the dry room, setting Clay on the bed. When she sat down next to him, she inhaled and exhaled with deep breaths, trying to catch her sanity. On the other side of the bed, Cari and Candi plopped their bodies against. They started jumping up and down on the other side of the king-sized bed. The quilt that lay atop of the bed started the wrinkle.

"Girls, stop!" Ruthie demanded. Still in mid-air, the girls' legs straightened, and they landed flat-footed on the bed.

Both girls' lips puckered and they said at the same time, "Mommy, we're hungry. We want to go back to Auntie Lucy's and eat Christmas cookies!"

Ruthie found a coil of anger rising within her. She shook her head and snapped at the girls, "Well, that's not going to happen, so stop thinking about it."

The girls' eyes watered up with tears and rolls of liquid started to stream from their eyes. "But we're hungry!" they both cried. "Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!" They started chanting, pounding their fists against the end of the bed.

Ruthie's head began to spin, to the point she felt she could pass out. "Stop!" she yelled at the girls. "I'll get you something to eat out of the snack machine, okay?"

"No snack machine!" Cari yelled.

"Only Christmas cookies we want!" Candi nodded with her sister.

"No snack machine! No snack machine! No! No! No! No!" the girls chanted together, pounding their fists against the end of the bed again. They continued to chant, and at the same time Clay started to cry. He was crying, but no tears came out of his eyes. His screams and the girls' chants echoed within Ruthie's ears. She covered her ears, to the point she couldn't take it anymore.

She lifted her hand, and without thinking, she whipped it across Candi's face. The slap echoed within the room and the girls stopped chanting. But Clay's screams did not stop. They only grew louder. Ruthie's ears started to pound.

Before she knew it, she had turned Candi over and had begun pounding her fist into the little girl's back ribs. In turn, Cari had begun screaming as loud as she could, while her sister only whimpered.

"Stop, Mommy, STOP!" Cari yelled. She grabbed Ruthie's wrist, "Don't hurt Candi!"

Ruthie stopped dead. _What am I doing? _She thought. Her head tilted downward at her little girl, who lay flat on her stomach. Next to Candi, Cari's face was bright red with tears for her sister. Candi only sobbed.

"Oh my Gosh, Candi, I'm so sorry." Ruthie wrapped her arms around the little girl. "I didn't mean to hurt you." The little girl whimpered, not saying a word. Ruthie picked her up and looked into the little girl's brown eyes. "Are you all right, Candi? Say something!" She shook the little girl, who didn't respond. Tears flooded from her eyes, but her mouth did not move.

_Oh my God, _Ruthie thought. What had she done? She set the child done. Ruthie's hands started to clam up and she felt a chill rush through her body. _I didn't do that, I couldn't, could I? _

Clay's cries hadn't stopped, they had only gotten louder. "Shut up!" she turned around, sniping at the toddler, but the toddler only cried louder. Before she knew it, Ruthie found reaching into her purse and grabbing her pocket knife. Cari let out a loud gasp as she jumped in front of Cari.

"Mommy, I'm scared," Cari whimpered, but Ruthie ignored her.

She pointed the knife toward Clay and growled, not saying a word. Ruthie clutched the knife tightly in her hand as she moved slowly toward the little boy. She held the knife against his forehead, and he screamed only louder. Cari had drug her sister across the room, where the two four year olds curled in the corner.

Gently, she ran the knife across the little boy's frail forehead. She hadn't dug into his skin, she had barely pressed down. "We'll shut you up, kid," a voice inside of her snarled. The knife in her hand lowered down to his neck. The toddler cried louder, spitting at the woman who was supposed to protect him from dangers.

Her head pounded fiercely, like she had lost all conception of time. She stared into the little boy's round eyes, which were shaped shamelessly like his father's. His olive skin reminded her vividly of the very man who had fathered him; the man who she had lied to for four years; the man who had been gullible enough to believe her lies. Everything about the toddler reminded her of Martin, and it pained her.

She put the knife against his warm neck, and at that very moment she heard a loud shrill behind her. "Put the knife down, Miss!" she heard a deep, masculine voice behind her. Slowly, Ruthie turned around. The inn door had been beat down and there stood two Glen Oak police officers, one woman and one man. Ruthie did not recognize either of them, but then again, the only officer she knew still on the police force was Roxanne, and Roxanne was currently at the parsonage. That wasn't counting that ex-boyfriend of Mary's, but Ruthie barely knew him.

Her children's screams must have created a disturbance, and someone must have called the police. That was what she thought, until she saw that the hotel room's telephone had been knocked off its table and the receiver was in the small hands of Cari.

Ruthie ripped the knife away from her son and tossed it on the ground. "I wasn't going to hurt him, I swear!" she hissed.

"Put your hands up in the air," the male officer instructed, as the other raced toward the girls.

"Are you girls all right?" she heard the female officer gently ask the children.

"She's hurt bad," Ruthie heard Cari whimper, regarding to Candi. "Mommy hurt her."

"I'm calling a bus," the officer said, Ruthie saw her look at the other officer, who nodded.

The male officer, who stood directly in front of Ruthie, had his full attention on Ruthie. He pulled out his cuffs and Ruthie swallowed. "Y-You're going to _arrest _me? I didn't do anything wrong!"

"You had knife up to the little boy's neck when I entered, and the little girl who called in this disturbance said that you were beating on her sister, I have to say, it's a good thing my partner and I were in the area when we received the call, judging from what I'm seeing, had we been a minute later it would have been too late."

The officer took out his cuffs and slapped them against her wrists, locking her in cuffs. She had never been in cuffs, and she had never imagined what it could possibly be like. The cold metal rubbed against her wrists. Her throat burned. _I love my babies, _Ruthie thought_, I would never hurt them. I couldn't, ever._

"You're under arrest for the crime of child endangerment and abuse. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights which have been read to you?"

"I love my babies," Ruthie whispered tearfully. "You're making a mistake, a big mistake." She glared at the officer; then looked toward her whimpering children. Loud sirens could be heard in the distance as the officer that had cuffed her simply shook his head. He grabbed her shoulder and started to drag her out of the room.

"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all," the officer said as he dragged her through the door and into the pouring rain. "It was an act of love, wasn't it? That's what you all say." He opened the door to his police car and threw her in the backseat of the car, and shut the door.

Her throat burned and she let tears freely come out of her eyes. She was alone, all alone, in the backseat of the Glen Oak police car.

Rain poured from the sky and splashed against the window. Her heart only sank deeper and lower into her damp soul. There was no escaping the pain she felt.

"_I love my babies," _she told herself_, "I would never hurt them." _

_

* * *

_

**Author's Note: **It's been forever, and I'm so sorry for that. There are only a couple chapters left. I hope you all had a great Christmas and will have a happy New Year. (Though, it'd be idealistic for me to get another chapter out before the New Year, but I doubt it.) Did you expect it to go down like this?

_Credits:_

_Jesus, Take the Wheel - _Carrie Underwood (written by Brett James, Hillary Lindsey, and Gordie Sampson)_  
_


	51. Lost

Outside Heaven

Chapter 51

Lost

She was cold. A damp, musty stench rose up her nostrils.

Goosebumps crawled up her arms. She tried to prevent herself looking at her surroundings, but it was unavoidable. Suddenly she had felt as if she were living her worst nightmare.

The gray, gloomy walls were covered with disgusting dark spots, fearfully blood stains. A dim from the top of the wall behind her brought in the little light that made the stains visible. She felt as if she had been alone for hours, but the light indicated to her that it was still daylight.

Her cold hands clasped together on the cold metal table she sat at. She found herself staring at the table, only to prevent her eyes from the sight of her sorry face. When she looked ahead at the mirror, which she knew quite well was a one-sided window, she shuddered.

Her make-up she had freshly put on that morning was smeared, and it ran down her face. She had been crying since they had thrown her into that police car. Her hair was a wreck, since she had been thrown around and strip searched. But moreover, she did not want to look into the mirror because she knew quite well that the entire police force was outside it looking and observing her.

Growing up, she had never been a fan of cop shows, but she had watched a fair share of them. Particularly after Kevin had moved in with them, whenever a Law and Order marathon was on he was glued in front of the television. Lucy had never approved of it, but she couldn't stop him. After all, he was a full-grown man who was entitled to watch what he wanted on television.

Nonetheless, Ruthie's mother had insisted on keeping Sam and David out of the room whenever he was watching it. That hadn't stopped them from sneaking down into the living room to watch it with him. Ruthie knew quite well if her mother knew half of the stuff Sam and David had run into, Annie would have been dumbfounded.

If her mother—or father, for that matter—were alive to see her now, they would be more than dumbfounded. They would be erratic. But more solemnly, they would be disappointed in her. If they were alive now, surely seeing her in an interrogation room would have been enough to kill both of them.

But they were not alive, so none of those theories mattered. Nonetheless, there was no doubt in Ruthie's mind that both of her parents were floating up in Heaven, gazing down at her. She wondered what they were saying. _"Eric, where did we go wrong with her?" _she heard her mother's whimper.

"_I don't know, Annie, I don't know," _her father's heavenly arm was wrapped around her mother's angelic body. _"We thought we were screw ups as parents when Mary had first gotten arrested, but Ruthie? I never saw this coming. I thought Ruthie was on the right track, I really did." _

Ruthie felt the tears surplus in her eyes. "It's not your fault," she found herself saying out loud, without thinking twice. She covered her eyes, knowing the whole police force had heard her.

A moment later, the door next to the mirror opened. The officer who had arrested her walked in. She looked behind him, but no one followed. There was no sight of the officer who had stayed behind with her children.

The officer's face was straight and emotionless. He groaned in disgust as he walked toward her, taking a seat directly across from her. All of a sudden, despite the cold, grave room, Ruthie felt a drop of sweat roll down her forehead.

"Nervous, are you?" the officer bluntly stated from his observation. "You should be, because you are going down for child abuse. And no jury will show sympathy after they hear what you did to your daughter, and that you had a knife up to your son's neck. Cases with children always tug at the jurors' hearts."

Her heart tugged at its own strings. She didn't speak a word, because she knew any word she said could be used against her.

He stared at her with wide eyes, not saying a word for the seconds to follow. When he realized she wasn't going to respond, he merely shook his head. "Silence," he uttered. He grabbed two pieces of paper from his back pocket. It didn't take Ruthie long to realize that he was holding images. He slammed the pictures down on the table. Ruthie jumped in her chair, alarmed at what she saw.

The image on the right was a picture of Candi's back. Dark gray bruises that made the shape of a hand were imbedded into the child's pale back. The other picture, on the left, was an X-ray of a child's ribs. Notes were neatly written in the margins. Ruthie's stomach churned painfully as she read, _"Dislodged ribcage, presumably caused from repeated beating from a strong force, presumably a hand." _

Ruthie swallowed and blinked, avoiding eye contact with the officer.

She noticed that he had another file in his hand. "Ruthie Camden-Brewer," she heard her name spoken.

"How do you know my name?" she instantly demanded, knowing she had not told him. Nonetheless, it did not surprise her that he knew it. After all, despite the fact Chief Michaels had finally retired and Kevin had been booted off the police force, the Glen Oak Police Force was still loaded with old family friends and people who had known her family for years. Roxanne was included, though she was at the parsonage today; so Ruthie knew it had not been Roxanne who had told them.

Somehow, it surprised Ruthie that she had not been picked up by someone who _did _know her.

To her astonishment, he responded, "Your daughter Cari told us more than enough to identify you. You know, for being only four, she's quite bright. We've contacted the children's father and he's on the way to the hospital to pick up the two uninjured children." The officer released a solemn sigh, shaking his head. "Little Candi here is undergoing surgery, thanks to you."

She closed her eyes, trying to repel the anger she felt. He just couldn't let her forget.

But that wasn't what angered her entirely. _They called Martin_. Her heart felt like it could rupture from its rapid beating.

When she had left, Martin had been on the verge of telling his father that his granddaughters may in fact not be his granddaughters. And at the time, Martin had been questioning his son's paternity, even though Ruthie knew in her heart that he did not have to do that.

What was going through his mind now? She knew for a fact that he only hated her more gruesomely. He was probably cussing her out, and so much more.

She continued to ponder and wonder. Since Martin had been contacted, did that mean that the rest of her family knew? Would Martin have taken it upon himself to contact her family? Or, perhaps the police station had contacted the parsonage first. No, she knew that Cari knew her father's cell phone number. Cari would have given the officer Martin's cell phone number.

Ruthie didn't know if she should love Cari or if she should hate her. Because of her, Ruthie knew she was going to prison. The officer was right; cases that involved children would tug at the jurors' hearts. There was no way out of it, and she knew that she might as well plead guilty.

Cari had gone beyond her years, and despite how it impacted her, Ruthie knew that Cari had saved her siblings' lives. It been a courageous action she had taken.

Her eyes boiled with tears. She could tell the officer felt no remorse for her, and she was sure that the entire force—who she could bet were sitting behind the glass—would not either. After all, she did not deserve pity. She did not deserve anything except a jail cell.

"Now you feel pitiful. You should. You sicken me," the officer spat at her. His coal black eyes gave her the chills.

Before another word could be spoken, the door exploded open. At that instance, a familiar face entered the room. His fair face was in utter shock as the man with trimmed brown hair and long, lengthy stick legs made his appearance.

"Ruthie. Ruthie Camden." The slender man, dressed in his police uniform, gasped. His mouth dropped to the floor as he turned to the other officer. "What's going on here?"

"Excuse me, Jeff, you know Ruthie?" the officer, who still had not formally introduced himself, demanded from Jeff Bittle, whom Ruthie had not seen since that wretched day in which he had pulled Matt over for speeding. Ruthie remembered it like it was yesterday.

A flood of memories drenched her at once. She remembered how Matt and Sarah had risked so much to help her that first time. It had been awhile since she had thought about her first pregnancy, the little one that she lost. Ever since Candi and Cari's birth, the depressing thoughts which regarded that day had gone away.

If she hadn't lost her first baby, where would she be now? Surely, she knew, she would not be with Martin. If she hadn't gone with Mary on that dreadful day, she knew her life would be completely different. For one, her mother may still be alive. And if her mother were still alive, then she would have never left for Scotland with Simon, and she would have never moved in with Mary.

Or would she have? When she tried to picture her present-day life without the occurrence, often her mind became fuzzy. It had happened, and because of the roads she had taken, she was where she was right now: sitting in an interrogation room, preparing to be locked away for God knows how long.

"There has to be some mistake here," Jeff said, not answering the other officer's question. "Ruthie, I'm so sorry, I just heard." What was he talking about? Ruthie's head spun as she tried to make sense of the undesirable surreal situation.

"Jeff, you didn't answer my question," the officer demanded furiously. "Do you _know _this young woman?"

"Why yes, Joe! This is Ruthie Camden, her brother was my best friend through my junior year of high school," Jeff answered erratically, his face drooped abruptly, presumably because of old, hurtful memories, "and I dated her sister." He then turned to Ruthie and whispered, "I'm so very sorry. I can't believe this has happened. It seems like every time I encounter you and your family, Ruthie, you're going through some tragedy."

_That's what happens when you're a police officer_. Though, Ruthie was still confounded. Somehow, her gut feeling told her that he was talking about something other than her arrest.

"Jeff, I want you out of here now. The last thing we need is a conflict of interest here. Now, shoo, before I have the captain on your ass. I don't know why you're apologizing to her. This is her fault. She made this choice," the officer, who had been called Joe, directed.

"Joe, I read the report on this. There has to be some mistake. I've known Ruthie since she, well, since she was born!"

"Out, now!"

Jeff sulked, turning around. His brown eyes shined toward her one more time. It didn't take Ruthie long to realize that tears were in his eyes. _Why is he crying? _Her head thudded, knowing that he was not crying for her. Jeff had barely known her. She had only been five when he had disappeared out of the Camdens' lives.

After Jeff had exited through the door, Joe looked at her, "I'll be right back. You stay put." _Right, like there's anywhere to go in this hell hole. _

The buff officer followed after Jeff. Ruthie presumed that he had gone out to tell Jeff off. He just seemed like the kind of guy who would do that.

Time passed, though Ruthie couldn't be sure how much time had indeed passed. She uncontrollably tapped her finger on the disk. It was a nervous habit.

As she sat in the room all alone, the air began to feel damp again, and she soon found herself crossing her arms, shivering. _Can't this all be over with? _Her mind was slowly dying, and she had yet to see her cell.

Finally, the officer, Joe, returned. His had seemed to turn a discolored olive color, compared to his previous flushed red face, full of anger. A fiend expression still wore on his face, only now he looked slightly ill.

She could help him gulp, but before he could say anything, the door swung open. A petite blonde haired woman entered. Ruthie recognized her face immediately, despite having not seen her in years.

Her face was stern and motionless as she looked at Ruthie.

"Cheryl?" Ruthie gasped. "W-What are _you _doing here?"

"I'm your attorney. Robbie gave me a call immediately after he heard about your arrest. After all, we've remained in contact for all of these years. Despite how we ended, in recent years we've been in contact. He was a huge support system for me as I was going through Law school." She slapped her binder on the table and turned to the officer. "Now, Officer, I reckon I'll be taking it from here."

Instead of protesting, the officer only swallowed. He turned around and vanished through the door.

Ruthie swallowed hard in disbelief. She couldn't believe that _Cheryl_, not only Robbie's ex-girlfriend, but Matt's ex-girlfriend, was standing in front of her. She was a _lawyer_. It had been a good nine years since Cheryl had appeared anywhere near the parsonage. Ruthie vaguely remembered the last time Cheryl had stopped by the church. No one had ever told her _why _she had stopped by the church.

And it hit her. Robbie knew what had happened. That meant her entire family knew. The thought itself force upon a sickening feeling down in the middle of her gut.

"So, Ruthie, tell me your side of the story."

She did just that, from start to finish with all honesty; beginning with the truth about the twins' conception, onto what had happened before she had ran off with the twins, how she had abandoned Nigel with her car, and how she had run off to the hotel. She told Cheryl about how she had lost control, and how she had taken it out on her poor, innocent children.

As she spoke, Cheryl only sat in front of her in awe. She didn't utter a word. Once Ruthie was finished, Cheryl's radiant blue eyes stared at her, seemingly in disbelief.

"Ruthie," Cheryl whispered hoarsely, "if we go to court, I'm going to be flat out honest with you, once a court hears this story; you're going to be convicted."

"Oh, I know, that's what that officer said, only not as nicely. He's kind of a jerk." She rolled her eyes, waiting for someone to tell her something she didn't already know. "So, what does my family think about me? Have they all disowned me?"

Cheryl shook her head, "Robbie only called me saying that you had been arrested and needed good representation. He didn't tell me anything else. In fact, I didn't even know _why _you had been arrested until I had gotten here. I'm baffled."

"You and the rest of the world," Ruthie rolled her eyes, carelessly. "Can I have my cell yet, I'd like to get comfy, you see, seeing as I'm going to be there awhile." She was at the point she didn't care. This was what she deserved. In fact, she thought they should have locked her up years ago. Had she been locked up years ago, she couldn't have made the ridiculous mistakes she had made.

"I can have that arranged," Cheryl replied. Her face was as white as a ghost.

She was escorted to a temporary holding cell at the Glen Oak Jail. The jail itself was nowhere as big as the prisons she saw on TV. Nor were they as cleanly. As they escorted her to her cell, the stench of urine hit her. Her stomach ached, but she even knew that she would have to get used to it.

Two men shared her cell with her. Both men's shoulders were littered with tattoos.

About two hours after she had arrived, and the security guard had taken his attention elsewhere, one of the men approached her. She took careful note to his skeleton tattoo, which was crafted with great detail.

"So, pretty girl, what brings you to my cell?" he brushed his finger against her forehead. He turned around at his cellmate. "Ain't she too pretty to be in our cell?"

"Too pretty and too young," the prisoner agreed, stepping toward her. "What you in for, girl?"

"Nothing," she responded, she found her internal bones shaking.

"Well, ain't we all!" the prisoner with the skeleton tattoo cried, his cellmate nodded.

Both of her newly-found cellmates were standing directly in front of her. Now that he was closer, Ruthie took note to the crafted dragon tattoo on the other prisoner's arm. He stuck his hand out and introduced himself, "Well, the name's Dragon," he patted his shoulder on his cellmate, "and this boy here is Skully."

"Well, those are strange names," Ruthie replied. "My name's Ruthie, not Ruth—that was my grandma. It's just Ruthie."

"If you must know, his real name is Earl," Dragon whispered into Ruthie's ear.

"I heard that, _Dick_." Skully's cheeks flushed a vibrant red color.

"Well, at least my name isn't Earl who hurls!" Dragon snapped back at Skully.

Her head thudded as the two men started to fight back and forth. Ruthie looked over at the bars that were holding her away from the rest of the world. Maybe she should have stayed in the interrogation room. At that moment, she would have given anything to be back with Cheryl, or even Joe the cop, in that musty, damp room.

Over the following hours and possibly days, Ruthie found herself spending minutes upon minutes in the corner of the cell, all by herself. As time passed, Dick and Earl—Dragon and Skully—spent most of their time arguing. Sometimes their arguments would escalate to pokes, and every now and then they would throw a punch or two at each other.

About the time it got physical, the security guard would make an appearance. When he appeared, the two men would stop momentarily. But the minute he disappeared again, they would start picking at each other's throats.

Inside the cell, it was impossible to tell what time of day it was. But she soon began establishing "night" with when the security guard would come and escort the three of them to the bathroom, where they could brush their teeth and shower.

Three of those nights passed, though Ruthie was not sure if they had "bathroom time" every night, or every other night. Or, for all she knew, it could be every other week.

She didn't receive a single visitor during those three times. Her body odor had begun release a vomit-worthy stench. They were only given ten minutes to shower, and soap was not provided. And even if it were, Ruthie could not bring herself to undress in front of the two perverted men she was stuck with.

Neither of them seemed to care. They would drop their pants right in front of her. She would quickly glance away. Dragon and Skully were nowhere near what she would consider _attractive_. Dragon had a large nose, practically the size of Pinocchio's, only fatter. Skully's nose wasn't quite as long, though it was wider. It reminded her of a hippopotamus.

After letting her huddle in her corner for days, Dragon and Skully approached her one day. "Hey, pretty, you been quiet these last days," Dragon indicated.

"Too quiet," Skully added on.

Dragon wrapped his arm around her, which caused her to flinch. "What's wrong, sweetie? We ain't that scary, is we?"

She pushed him away. "Leave me the hell alone," she growled. "I'm fine by myself, thanks." It may not have been her smartest move.

Dragon glanced at Skully, who nodded. The two men clenched their fists together. "Nobody denies Master Dragon," Dragon growled, glaring at her in a fiend, vicious way.

Ruthie leaned back toward the cold wall, realizing the mistake she had just made.

"I-I'm sorry," she stuttered.

Before Dragon could even react to her nervous apology, Ruthie noticed the security guard standing on the outside of the cell. She had never been so grateful to see him before. _Thank you, God, _she thought, believing God had sent the security guard to save her.

"Brewer, you have a visitor," the security guard growled in a deep, violent voice. He glared at Skully and Dragon, "You two, stay back."

Skully and Dragon stayed in the back corner of the room, as Ruthie rushed toward the gate. The guard grabbed her wrists, slapping cold metal cuffs on them, and he began dragging her away from the cell. Despite the cuffs restraining her from breaking free, Ruthie was glad to finally get away from the cell without the two devils.

_Who is here? _Her thoughts raced as she thought of all the possibilities. Why hadn't any of her family been out to see her yet? She would have thought at least Matt or Simon would have come out to see her. The two of them were far too curious not to come and see her. Surely they couldn't believe she had done what everyone was telling them she had. They would want to hear her side of the story, wouldn't they?

But she had told Cheryl it. Did that mean Cheryl had told Robbie, and Robbie had informed her whole family? Did her entire family hate her now?

Mentally, she shook her head. Cheryl couldn't have told Robbie everything she had said. There were confidentiality laws in place. Cheryl was prohibited from sharing any information Ruthie gave her, wasn't she?

Ruthie didn't know. The guard tugged forcibly at her wrist, which he had a tight grip on. If she didn't bruise from his grip, she would be surprised.

Maybe it was Robbie who had come to see her. Even though they hadn't been particularly close since his return, she still had a mutual closeness with him. They had talked every so often over the years. Nonetheless, their relationship was nowhere where it had been when she was twelve.

The security guard stopped at a dark brown door. It was shut, but he took one wrist off her to turn the knob. He pushed the door open, and Ruthie's heart sunk when she realized who was really waiting for her.

Her perilous blue eyes had not changed since she had last seen Cheryl. Cheryl's lips pressed shut as she watched Ruthie, the prisoner and her client, enter the room.

Ruthie was shoved into the brown, wooden chair by the guard. _He doesn't have to be so violent. _Tears festered in Ruthie's eyes from the pain that stabbed her back as the wood imbedded in her back from the force of the guard.

"You may take her cuffs off," Cheryl instructed the guard. _Thank you_. "I'll have my eye on her."

The guard grunted. Unwillingly, he removed the cuffs from Ruthie's wrists. The weight lifted from her wrists as she brought her hands forward and placed them on the table.

"Now you may leave," Cheryl coldly instructed, looking toward the guard. He nodded hesitantly, turning around and exiting through the door. Cheryl watched him disappear, and once she seemed sure he was gone, her eyes focused toward Ruthie. "Now, let's get onto business."

"Have you talked to Robbie? Matt? Or anyone in my family?" Ruthie demanded before Cheryl could say another word.

Cheryl's dark eyebrows lifted. She released a sigh. "No, Ruthie, I have not. I'm not legalized to speak with them, given the circumstances. I am, however, allowed to defend you, as there are no laws preventing me from defending friends of family, or even family members, for that matter. It's not like being on a jury."

"Okay, then," Ruthie murmured. "Why are you here?" She crossed her arms, enjoying the little freedom she had.

The blonde woman let out a sigh. "Like I said," she slowly continued. "We have some business to discuss, Ruthie, regarding your trial, providing you choose to go to trial."

"Wait." Ruthie demanded. Her eyes widened. "What do you mean _providing _I choose to go to trial? I thought it was a given, that everyone went to trial."

Cheryl shook her head. Her blonde ponytail shook back and forth as she did so. "I've spoken with the district attorney who would be prosecuting your case. He has offered for if you enter a guilty plea, you will only have to do five years, and then you could be released on parole. Of course, there's one more part to the deal. You will not be allowed to work in schools, daycares, or at other child sponsored organizations and events. Also, you'll be required to have supervision on at you at all times when you're around children under the age of twelve. It's a good deal, Ruthie, believe me. If you go to trial, you could risk being sentenced up to twenty years. Because believe me, Ruthie, you will be convicted. The evidence is just too blatant."

A large knot coiled in Ruthie's throat. _That's five years of being locked up with creeps like Skully and Dragon_. Nonetheless, five years were much better than twenty. She couldn't even begin to imagine twenty. Nor could she imagine five, but she knew there was no getting out of it.

She had slipped up once, and because of that one slip up, she had landed herself in prison. There were people all over the world that slipped up every day, and were they in prison? It just didn't seem fair.

"Fine," she murmured. "I'll take it. I'll plead guilty."

Cheryl nodded. "That's a good decision you're making, Ruthie. And, that's all we have to discuss. I'll go get the guard to take you back to your cell." Ruthie remained in her seat as Cheryl began walking across the floor, toward the door.

Ruthie turned around, just before Cheryl opened the door. "Cheryl," Ruthie whispered. Cheryl turned her head back, almost instantly.

"Yes, Ruthie?"

Ruthie took a deep breath of air. "Are _you _married now? And do _you _have any children?"

Cheryl shook her head. She smiled kindly, "I gave up on men shortly after dating your brother. For the last five years, I've been in a long-term relationship. She and I are very happy. We've been discussing adoption, but right now it's just us and our two black labs."

Ruthie's dropped jaw could have stretched to the floor. _Cheryl's a lesbian? _She hadn't seen that coming, period. She wondered if Robbie knew. Well, of course he had to. After all, he had been in contact with Cheryl for all those years.

Cheryl popped her head out of the door, and moments later the security guard had entered the room to slap the cuffs around her wrists again. The little freedom she had was gone.

She just couldn't get over it. _Cheryl is a lesbian, my attorney is a lesbian_. Her thoughts ached as she was returned to her cell. She had never considered herself homophobic, but she had never known an actual homosexual in all of her years. It wasn't something that was talked about in her household. In fact, her father had not once brought homosexuality up to her.

Suddenly she realized how odd that was. He had discussed so many issues with her. She remembered when Lucy's friend used to cut herself. Her father had sat all of the children down at one point. He had told them that there was always a better alternative to self harming one's self. Then there had been the time Simon's friend's sister had been in a gang. Once again, he had sat them down and discussed with them.

Not once had he brought up homosexuality. Was it because he himself was homophobic? Ruthie didn't know. In all of her years, she couldn't ever imagine being homosexual, or having of her acquaintances end up being homosexual. It just did not seem natural. It went against everything she had been taught. People were put on Earth to procreate, and obviously homosexuals couldn't do that.

When she was put back in her cell, and the cuffs were removed once again, she was bombarded with frightening stares from Dragon and Skully.

"So, who come to visit yous?" Skully inquired. Both men's grammar was really beginning to egg at Ruthie's last nerves. There wasn't one thing more that bothered her more than one's lack of knowledge of grammar. But clearly, she could tell from looking at the men, they had been out of school for many years. In fact, she would not be surprised to find out that one or both of them had never _graduated _high school.

"My attorney," she blatantly stated. After all, she didn't see the big deal in telling them.

"I wish my attorney come and visit me. He scared of me, I says," Dragon mocked, roaring out laughter. Ruthie's ears ached as he spoke.

She turned around, looking out of the bars. There wasn't anything across from them besides a blank, gray wall. All of the rooms she had been in since her arrival had gray walls. The constructors of the jailhouse just had to make life just that much more depressing for the prisoners.

To her astonishment, the security guard appeared through the shallow door. He stopped in front of her cell and grumbled, "I'm here for you again, Brewer. You have more visitors. Well, aren't you the popular lady today."

She was already beginning to get tired of being called_, "Brewer," _because she was sure it wouldn't be long before Martin filed for divorce. In fact, it wouldn't surprise her none if her visitor were Martin, asking her to sign divorce papers.

Déjà vu hit her as the guard slapped the cuffs on her wrists again to drag her across to the meeting room. Instead, this time, she racked up the nerve to ask, "Do you absolutely _have _to cuff me every time I leave my cell? I mean, it's not like I'm going to try and break away. You're twice my size, so it's not like I would stand a chance if I even tried."

She bent her neck up to look at his face, but he only continued to exhibit force on her, pushing her forward. "Yeah, that's what the last _chick _we had in here said."

Ruthie didn't dare ask what the last woman had done.

When she was brought in to the room, this time her heart lifted. A sudden feeling of happiness ruptured through her veins when she saw the familiar faces that stood before her. However, their expressions did not share the same joy that she felt. Their faces were sullen as they looked toward her.

The guard sat her down, but he did not remove the cuffs. He grunted and left the room, the cuffs were still on her hand. She wiggled her fingers, wishing she could simply sweat out of the cuffs. But she had no such luck.

Her eyes wandered around the room, looking at her sister-in-law, brother-in-law, and brother.

"You guys have no idea how glad I am to see you!" she gaped elatedly. "I figured you all hated me. That's why nobody's come and seen me yet."

"Well," Kevin began, solemnly, "that's only part of the reason. I, for one, do not hate you, Ruthie." His eyes wandered toward his company.

Sarah shook her head, her long, brown hair swooshed. "I don't hate you either, Ruthie."

"Ruthie, you're my baby sister," Simon whispered hoarsely. His eyes were shining as he held back tears. "I could never hate you, no matter what you've done. I'll always love you, Ruthie," he gently grabbed her shoulder, "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

Her throat burned. "Well, then, what is everyone else saying?"

"Ruthie," Kevin said sternly. "Aside from your whole situation, we've had another tragedy on our hands. That's the real reason why none of us had been here."

_What is he talking about? _Ruthie's head throbbed. What could be possibly worse than her being locked away in prison? Ruthie couldn't even begin to imagine.

"Just tell her," Simon told Kevin, nudging him. Simon's face had flushed a cinnamon red color. He brought his hand over his forehead, brushing a sweat drop from his face.

"Ruthie, Mary is dead," Kevin informed her. His voice was grave and serious. Not a single emotion soared from his face.

_Mary's dead? _Ruthie's heart felt like it had sunk to the bottom of her big toes. Despite all she had gone through with her oldest sister over the years, Ruthie could never wish death upon Mary. Mary was her sister; her own flesh and blood.

Salty liquid rolled down her cheek and rolled into her mouth. She tasted the salt, which caused her to have a gagging reflect. It was a feeling she did not enjoy.

"There's more," Sarah whispered. Sarah's own face was full of sullenness, even though Sarah and Mary had never been particularly fond of each other. Sarah herself appeared to be holding a tear back.

"Yes, there's more. Ruthie, I hate to be the one to tell you this…I know you lived with Mary for awhile and became close to her children. Ruthie, Crissy was killed, too. Jenny is currently in critical condition, fighting for her life." Kevin's face remained straight as he broke the bad news.

That had done it. If she could have had control of her hands, she would have allowed her face to fall into her hands to cover her tears. Since she couldn't, tears flowed freely out of her eyes for all to see. "What happened?" Ruthie demanded, bawling.

"You see, after Mary knocked Nigel down—Nigel told us everything about how you dropped him off at the airport—Mary took off with the van and the kids. She ended up slamming into a semi only about a half a block from the airport," Kevin answered, remaining straight faced.

_The van we passed on the way to the airport, _Ruthie remembered clearly. She didn't utter a word. The four only stared at each other. Sarah's and Simon's eyes had become red from the tears they shared. Kevin contained himself.

After a moment's silence, she finally opened her mouth, only to change the subject. "Simon! How is Cecilia?" she whispered eagerly. "How are she and the baby? Cecilia was due any day."

Simon's sullen face took an upward turn. "Shortly after we received the news, Cecilia went into labor. He was born on December 21. We named him Nicholas John, after Grandpa. Somehow, in our family with every death comes a birth…"

It had been a year since the Colonel's passing on Thanksgiving. Ruthie had difficulty believing that all of her grandparents had passed on. Here she was in the world: living without parents and grandparents. At least she had her siblings.

"Congratulations," Ruthie forced a smile for her brother. "Wait, what is today's date?"

"It's December 25," Sarah answered and tagged on, "Christmas for you."

A sharp tingle fluttered in her stomach. It did not feel like Christmas. On Christmas a certain magic had always glistened in the air. That magic was not present this Christmas. Only dullness and misery filled the air. The world had survived December 21, 2012, but it was like all of the life had been sucked out of the Earth.

"Where's Matt?" Ruthie asked, aiming her eyes directly at Sarah. Of all people, she had expected Matt to visit her. He had always been there for her in the past, why wouldn't he be now?

Sarah's face froze as he glanced at Kevin and Simon. The two shrugged, shaking their heads. Sarah took a deep breath and sighed, "Well, Ruthie, let's just say, he's disappointed. Part of me thinks he blames himself for this, but let me just say he doesn't know we're here."

Her sister-in-law had said enough for her to get it. She didn't need to say anymore. Matt was upset with her, and she couldn't blame him. She couldn't blame him if he completely disowned her.

She didn't have to ask Kevin where Lucy was. Ruthie was sure that Lucy had disowned her as her sister.

Ruthie looked down at her feet. "Does Martin have my kids?" she mumbled.

She strained her eye muscles to see the expressions. The three nodded.

"Yes," Kevin answered. "He does."

"But…" Simon trailed slightly, "Peter is ordering a DNA test on the twins, and Martin has said that he wants to keep custody of all three kids, since he's on all three of their birth certificates. Peter told me last night that he's willing to fight for the custody of the twins if they do turn out to be his."

"Needless to say, it's a big, hairy mess," Sarah added onto Simon's spiel.

_I caused this, _Ruthie sulked.

Before she could answer anymore questions, the door swung open. "Visiting time's up!" the security guard demanded. He glanced toward Kevin and raised a brow. "Didn't you used to be a cop?"

Kevin grimaced. "Yes," he responded bluntly.

"Oh, right, I remember you. You got your badge taken away for shooting your brother-in-law, didn't you?"

Kevin grunted, nodding slightly.

Simon took up a stand and said, "That brother-in-law would be me."

The security guard's eyes rounded open. "Like I said visiting time's over. It's time to say goodbye." He grabbed Ruthie's wrists tightly.

"Goodbye," Ruthie whispered as he took her away, the three waved lightly toward her.

As she was being brought to her cell, she pondered the fact that none of the three had asked her to explain what had happened. None of them had even brought up what she had done. It was like they didn't care, or like it was the last of their priorities. With all that had happened over the last four days, surely it was.

_Mary's dead._

Ruthie couldn't believe that her sister was dead. _And then there were six Camden siblings left. _

Slowly, her family was fading and dying away.

_And Crissy's gone, too._

The poor child was too young, being only six years old. She had barely begun her life. She had been taken out of the world like a lightning bolt. And her twin sister was in the process of fighting for her life. If only the girls hadn't had Mary as their mother.

Ruthie's heart went out to Charlie. It was fate that he had stayed with his father. _But Jenny's not Carlos's daughter_, Ruthie remembered. Mary had implied that it was Ben. Who would take custody of Jenny if she survived? Legally, Carlos was her father.

_Martin wants to keep the girls even if they are not his. _He had had a change of heart. Yet, he had not come to see her.

One fact was for sure: Ruthie had plenty to think about over the coming days, months, and years.

The world had survived December 21, 2012, but her sanity hadn't.

* * *

**Author's note: **There's one more chapter left. (Well, it's more of an epilogue.) I can't believe I'm finally here. I've been seeing this in my head for over seven months now. For those of you who have stuck with me this long, through 51 chapters, thank you. :)


	52. Epilogue  Part 1

**Author's Note: **So, this was supposed to be the last chapter, but it just got too long. Rather than making it all one big chapter, I chose to separate it into two. Be warned, there are a couple shockers in here. And ultimately, my goal is to get part 2 out within the next week. (On April 10, it will have been one year since I started _Outside Heaven_!)

* * *

Outside Heaven

Epilogue

Part 1

Ruthie's bony, olive arms folded together; her body uncontrollably shivered. The dusty gray walls that surrounded her prison cell showed no sign of hope. She didn't even know the day, month, or year.

Her wrists tingled, and a stinging burn moved through her nervous system, even though she had to roll up the sleeves of her orange suit to see the cuts. Some of the wounds were self-inflicted; others were caused by the beatings. She hated herself, and she hated her life. As time continued to pass, she wished more and more each day that she would just die. She had no reason to live anymore.

When the security guard was awake, the guys would leave her alone. But the minute the guard on duty would turn his back, she was the subject to harsh and brutal treatment. She couldn't describe the acts that had been done to her. She hadn't done anything to deserve what they had done to her. Whenever possible, she minded her own business, and sat by her lonesome in the corner of the cell. Her nails had grown over the course of her imprisonment, and she would often dig her nails into her own skin to inflict self pain. In a way, the pain helped ease her tension.

There wasn't a day that passed in which she didn't think about her children. Martin never came to see her, and she hadn't seen her children since she had been hauled away by the police. Sometime ago, Peter had visited her. Their conversation had been brief, and she could tell that it had hurt Peter to come and see her.

He had ordered a DNA test, and had been shocked by the results of the paternity test. A rare situation had occurred on that December day, where Martin and Peter had each fathered one of her children. Peter told her that he had researched it; there were only seven other known cases in the world.

Peter fought for custody of that daughter, which one he wouldn't tell her. She found out later, from Sarah and Kevin—the only ones who visited her, with the exception of Simon, who visited when he was in town—that it had been Cari, and that Peter had been awarded custody. Ruthie hadn't heard a word from Peter since.

Sarah and Kevin had also told Ruthie that Candi made a full recovery. Ruthie was thankful, though she couldn't express her happiness. Had Candi not survived, Ruthie knew that she would be put on trial for murder. Though, Ruthie knew that it was selfish and wrong to think like that.

Candi wasn't the only one to survive her injuries. Jenny had also recovered, to some extent. However, she wasn't as fortunate as Candi. Jenny's injuries were more terminal; she had lost her legs from the knee-cap down. She had spent seven months in a rehabilitation center for children, learning how to walk again. The last time Ruthie had heard from Sarah and Kevin, which could have been a decade ago for all she knew, Jenny was ten, and thriving well with her artificial legs.

The men in Ruthie's prison cell would shoot dirty looks at her each day. She was the only woman within the whole prison. Apparently, women in Glen Oak did not commit crimes. Ruthie often wondered why she hadn't been sent out of the city, to a prison with other women. But she didn't dare ask.

Her lower abdomen throbbed. She lightly pressed against the tender area. Even though she knew it couldn't be seen, she knew a bruise covered her lower stomach. And she knew exactly where it had come from. But nobody would believe her, and if they did, they wouldn't care.

Ruthie's stomach wasn't the only bruised part of her body. Aside from her soul being bruised, her shoulders ached to move. Part of the pain came from her muscles; the remainder of the pain came from the fist-shaped image which lied on the middle of her shoulder blades.

Her back was turned away from the bars; she faced the wall, and her dry, burning eyes traced the cracks embedded in the dusty wall. She inhaled through her nose; whiffs of dust had clogged her noses quite some time ago.

"Ruthie." She flinched when she heard her name called. Immediately, she swerved around to see the security guard looking directly at her. "Someone's here to see you."

Her heart leaped, figuring it was Kevin and Sarah. Perhaps that had come to fill her in on the latest Camden drama. There was always something going in, and they enlightened her. For example, she had been enlightened that Lucy would scowl at the mention of Ruthie's name. The last time Kevin had visited, it had been two years since Lucy and Kevin welcomed their fifth child, a second son.

Ruthie hadn't even met the child, but the picture Kevin had shown her remained instilled inside her head. The little boy had a head full of blond, like his brother and two of his sisters. When she had first seen Jonah, that was his name, Ruthie had thought she was looking at Isaiah, his older brother. Considering, in the picture, Jonah was the same age Isaiah had been when Ruthie had last seen him.

Kevin had shown Ruthie pictures of the other kids, which he proudly carried in his wallet. He had said that if Lucy knew that he was showing the pictures to Ruthie, Lucy would have a cow. He'd also shown her a picture of all the kids that was taken the previous Christmas; it included Ruthie's own children.

They were growing so fast, and it pained Ruthie not being there with them. She remembered when Savannah was born. Although Savannah wasn't her first niece or nephew, she was the first one Ruthie actually had the opportunity to be around, since the Camdens only saw Charlie on rare occasions. Ruthie remembered the excitement; it was the first time she could remember ever wanting to have a baby of her own.

She had begun to look forward to nurturing her own child, and watching her own child grow. As she watched Savannah begin to crawl, walk, and talk, Ruthie remembered thinking that someday she would be teaching her own children how to do all those things. That was when she had first started fantasizing about marrying Martin, and having his babies.

Savannah's birth was the beginning of the end. Everything changed that day. Ruthie began to see life in a different perspective. She had pictured being married before, with Peter. But that was only puppy love. Martin was the real deal.

At least she had thought he had been, until he broke her heart, twice.

And now she had missed years in her children's lives. Cari was growing up separate from her twin sister and younger brother. That wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for Ruthie's stupidity. Then again, if it hadn't been for her own stupidity, Cari and Candi may not have been born. If she hadn't slept with both Peter and Martin, then she wouldn't have had twins.

If only she had respected her parents' wishes. She couldn't begin to imagine where she would be now if she had not engaged in pre-marital sex. Likewise, she would have gone off to college. _ No. _A sudden thought hit her. She was supposed to go with T-Bone on that college visit, but she had stayed behind. _I would be dead. _The veins in Ruthie's head throbbed against her skull.

Her heart anxiously pounded as the security guard guided her toward the meeting room, where she had visited before. As he was guiding her, she was visualizing the cream walls and the mirror—or one-way window—in the room. Despite knowing it was a window, which a security guard would watch every conversation that took place inside the room, Ruthie was glad to have a mirror. It gave her the chance to look at herself, and fix her hair.

Ruthie visualized Sarah and Kevin sitting at the table, patiently waiting for her to come. Her heart skipped a beat with excitement. She loved when they visited; she loved anything that got her out of her cell and away from 'the guys.'

The guard pushed open the door, and Ruthie's jaw dropped with the unexpected. Neither Kevin nor Sarah sat at the rectangle table. Instead, Ruthie saw a face she hadn't seen since her sentencing: Cheryl.

"Cheryl," Ruthie whispered, quickly glancing toward the mirror. Her hair was a mess, like it was every time she visited the room. A rat's nest had formed in her brown, greasy hair.

The security guard threw her down and took the cuffs off her. With the cuffs still in his hand, he disappeared through the door, slamming it behind him. She could still feel his eyes watching them.

"Ruthie, it's a long time no see," Cheryl carefully smiled. Her eyes immediately moved toward the bruise on Ruthie's neck, which Ruthie had seemingly forgotten about. "Ruthie, what has happened? Your security guard has reported that you've been behaving well."

"It's nothing. I just ran into the wall. After being locked up for so long, it's hard to walk straight," Ruthie lied, too embarrassed of her inability to fight off her cell mates. She was violent enough to be stuck with them, so she should be able to fight them off.

Cheryl raised her thin, blonde eyebrow. "I see." She didn't seem to be convinced.

"Why are you here?" Ruthie inquired, messing with her hair, attempting it to neaten it somewhat. She glanced at the mirror through her peripheral vision. Every time her eyes met the glass, she could feel the security guard's eyes stare into her eyes.

"Well, like I said, your security guards have reported that you've been on good behavior," Cheryl began, "and I'm not sure if you're aware of the year—"

"—please enlighten me," Ruthie cut in. "I've completely lost track of time. Wasn't I originally supposed to be in for five years? What is it, 2025? I know it's been longer than five years!"

Cheryl shook her head; her silk-thin mouth-line curved down. "Ruthie, the year is May 2017. You're not supposed to be able to get bail until December."

Her heart sunk. If she wasn't supposed to post bail until December, what was Cheryl doing? Had she come to rub it in Ruthie's face? At least Ruthie knew the date, but that knowledge didn't help her. It just made time feel like it was going slower, and slower.

Suddenly, it hit her. The year 2017 was an important year, and it didn't have to do with her parole. It was a date that had been set years before, eighteen years before, to be exact. The year 2017 was the year Sam and David were supposed to graduate. _It's May, _Ruthie thought, knowing that meant her youngest twin brothers would soon be graduating. And she wouldn't be there to see the youngest and last of the Camdens walk across the stage.

Likewise, Sam and David hated her. Sarah hadn't mentioned them, and Ruthie knew that had the twins wanted to come and see her, they could have. If it were May, it meant the twins had been eighteen since February. That meant they had had free will since May. And even then, Ruthie knew that Sarah would have brought them along before.

Though, Ruthie wasn't entirely sure if Matt or Lucy knew that Kevin and Sarah were visiting Ruthie. Both had mentioned that neither approved of the idea. Ruthie could believe the idea coming from Lucy, but not Matt. Matt had always been there for her; through pregnancy, through her attitude, through everything. And she had been there for him; she had kept his secret for four years! _"I'll always be there for you, Ruthie," _he had told her, but where was he when she absolutely needed him? Ruthie didn't understand. He was pulling a Lucy; that was what he was doing.

And Lucy was a minister. She was supposed to be accepting of all people, even criminals. Ruthie knew that she had visited criminals in prison before. Yet, she wouldn't visit her own sister. She'd forgive murderers and rapists, but she wouldn't forgive her own sister.

Kevin and Sarah weren't even her biological siblings. Ruthie didn't understand. Of all people, Ruthie had hoped her siblings would understand. Not understand, but forgive her. Their parents had raised them to forgive others. Apparently, with the death of her parents, the family's morals had died away too.

"Really, what are you doing here, then?" Ruthie snapped.

Cheryl widened her eyes. "Well, with that attitude, I'm not sure I should tell you that your security guards have noted your good behavior, and it's been recommended that you receive an early parole. I've spoken to Kevin recently, and he mentioned your brothers' graduation is coming up, and he was hoping that you could attend it. If all goes well, you could be released on parole for the graduation party."

Ruthie's heart thudded rapidly, not believing her ears. Sunlight, real sunlight; she could see real sunlight. But the idea of making her return into the world at such an extravagant occasion was heart-wrenching. What if her siblings didn't want her there?

"Of course, you'll have to be under direct supervision of someone at all times, seeing your many nieces and nephews will be there. The chances are that your own children will be there. With that said, direct supervision will be an essence."

Ruthie suddenly felt like a small child, being told not to leave her mommy's sight while out shopping. "You mean I'll need a parole officer with me at all times?" Ruthie questioned.

"Well, no." Cheryl replied. "I mean, you'll need a trusted adult with you at all times, and given Kevin's record, he's not qualified. Though, anyone else will work. You will also have a camera pinned on you, that way your parole officer can see who you're with at all times."

_Let's talk about an invasion of privacy, _Ruthie ruthlessly thought. But anything that would get her out of the hell-hole would do for her.

"But that's providing you're granted parole. I've set up a hearing for you on Wednesday. By the way, it's Monday. So, be ready and competent for your hearing in two days. And don't do anything that could jeopardize your release. Do you hear me, Ruthie?"

_That shouldn't be that hard, _Ruthie thought, knowing she minded her own business, whenever possible. She couldn't control what _they _did to her. There was a point where she had stopped noticing it. If it weren't for the pain she felt later, she would be able to completely ignore the beatings. Sometimes she missed her first cell mates. Skully and Dragon had been odd, but they hadn't done too much damage to her, only themselves.

Shortly after her sentencing, Skully and Dragon had disappeared. The security guard had come for them separately, like they did when they took her to the meeting room, only they had never come back. She assumed that they had been released or moved to another jail.

"I won't," Ruthie assured Cheryl. "Why would I? I want out of here."

"I want you out of here, too," Cheryl spoke softly. "In the meantime, there are a couple people outside who I've brought to see you. That is, if you're up to more visitors."

Sarah and Kevin had come after all?

"Hey, anything that keeps me out of that cell," Ruthie pleaded.

"Well, we've already used fifteen of your thirty minutes, so you all will have to make it quick," Cheryl insisted. She looked toward the window, seeming to give the security guard a cue. A few moments later, the door opened and two semi-familiar faces appeared.

Her heart stopped. The men's faces had aged slightly over the last four years and four months. Thin wrinkles had formed around their eyes, but Ruthie would always recognize them, no matter how wrinkled or gray they became.

Robbie and Matt looked nervous, though Ruthie couldn't blame them. They hadn't seen her in five years, and she wasn't wearing her best attire, and her hair was a mess.

She didn't know whether to be ecstatic or upset. It had been almost five years, and neither Matt nor Robbie had visited her during that time period. She hadn't thought about Robbie during that time period, either. Though, now that she thought about it, it surprised her that he too had failed to visit her. And there was no question in Ruthie's mind; the two had not come on their own freewill.

The two stood in front of the closed door. "Hi, Ruthie," Robbie smiled, an awkward tension tugged at Ruthie's heart. Robbie never called her Ruthie; he had called her "Snookie" for so many years.

Matt looked alarmed, almost ghost-stricken. "Hey, sis," he seemed to force a smile.

She shook her head. "What are you doing here?" she immediately demanded, and continued her rant. "You're obviously not here on your freewill. What, did you run into Cheryl, and did she force you to come to see me? You know, she didn't have to do that. I've been informed plenty of what you all think about me." She was angry and flustered. The warm hotness tingled against her cheeks, as she felt the skin on her cheeks flush beet red.

"Nobody forced us to come, Ruthie," Matt spoke in the calm, mature voice Ruthie had come accustomed to. It was the voice he used when he was trying to be serious. "It's a long overdue visit, and I can only say that I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner."

Robbie nodded, showing his agreement with Matt. "It has. Time has just slipped away, and I actually meant to get out here sooner, but it just didn't happen. With the two kids and my job, I've just been swamped."

"Sure." Ruthie didn't believe a word.

"Hey, Sam and David are graduating in a few days, and we're all hoping that you'll be released to come to the graduation party. I think Sam and David would like that. They do miss you," Matt insisted. "They talk about you all the time."

"Right, then why haven't they come and seen me?" Ruthie heaved a snarl.

"Ruthie, not everyone is a fan of prisons. You can't blame them for being afraid to come out to the jail," Matt insisted. "I have to admit, I was weary of coming out here. You know there are lots of creeps here… oh."

"Gee, thanks. I guess I'm a creep now," Ruthie grumbled and rolled her eyes.

"That's not what I meant," Matt insisted.

"If only you knew the hell I've had to endure," she spoke spitefully, and turned to the mirror. "Security, take me back to my cell. I don't want to deal with these douches!" She couldn't believe that she was actually asking to be taken back to her cell. But she wasn't up for putting up with Matt's crap, or Robbie's, for that matter. Neither of them would ever be able to manage a decent excuse for not coming to see her over the years.

Ruthie didn't take another look at her brother or Robbie.

A moment later, the security guard came and shoved her back in her cell. Immediately, she crawled into her little corner. She rubbed her back against the wall, hoping she could just fall asleep, and forget about everything that had happened inside that room.

She hadn't realized that the security guard had disappeared until she was spoken to. "So, girl, have any good visitors today?" a slimy voice spoke at her. When she looked up, she saw him standing on top of her, looking down. She clutched against the wall, not responding. "That's okay. You don't have to respond…it's my turn today, by the way." He continued to speak to her, kneeling on top of her.

His elbows crunched into her shoulders, and she closed her eyes, knowing it would only be a matter of time before it would be over. He spread his knees against her legs and pulled down her pants.

"Please stop," she whimpered. "I'll do anything for you, just stop. Doesn't it ever get old?"

"You know the answer to that," the other prisoner said. "And you know you like it." He was inside her, and her abdomen burned as his knees dug into her skin. As he pushed harder, he strangled his hands around her neck, so she couldn't speak. She gasped, trying to inhale the stale oxygen, but his grip was too tight.

Light headedness came, and just when she knew she was about to black out, he released his grip. Heavily, she inhaled and exhaled, taking in all the nasty air that she could.

He came off her and the tension in her lower muscles released. She felt like dirt. The feeling of dirt was one that never left her side. Night after night of the same 'game,' one might have thought she would get used to it, but she knew that she never could. _Only one more night, _she prayed to herself, hoping that she would be granted parole.

She had decided that it was only the nighttime security guard who truly fell asleep for prolonged periods. Ruthie feared sleeping during the night. It was late, and Ruthie couldn't blame him. After all, nothing happened when he was watching. His job had to be pretty dull. Basically, he was paid to make sure none of them killed each other. And of course none of them were dumb enough to try something while the security guard was watching. _Though we were dumb enough to get caught, _Ruthie noted.

The minutes and hours ticked by slow. If only she had a clock to watch, then she'd at least have a general idea of what time it was. But, no, the prison couldn't provide them with a clock. It was like they were destined to lose track of time.

She must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing she remembered was a different security guard—she called him the morning guard—standing by the gate. "Ruthie—visitors," were the only words he spoke. He had the cuffs out again, and opened the railing to slap them around her wrists.

_Has it been two days already? _She hoped to herself. Though, something told her that it hadn't. Two days would feel like two months, and she knew it. She knew that much time had not passed.

On the way to the room, they always passed a clock. The last time she had been taken to the room, she had forgotten to check it. Quickly, she made sure to glance at the clock as the guard dragged her toward the room. It read _eleven-thirty_. Surely, for her to have a visitor, she knew it was eleven-thirty in the morning. Nobody in their right mind would come to see her at eleven-thirty at night.

Then again, who in their right mind would come to see her at all?

For once, she truly didn't know who to expect when the door cracked open. She was alarmed when she saw Sarah sitting at the table without Kevin. Instead, she was between two young men, who Ruthie didn't recognize. Their blond hair and blue eyes were somewhat familiar, but they were too tall to be who she thought they were. One was tall and slender, whereas the other was shorter; and his hair was longer than his brother's. His face, though, was a replica of Simon's.

"Sam and David?" she questioned.

"Yo, sis. How's prison treating you?" the taller one spoke, she knew it had to be David.

Ruthie looked into her sister-in-law's watered brown eyes. "Matt and Robbie told you about yesterday, didn't they?"

"Matt's my husband, and he does generally tell me those types of things," she replied, a little dryly. "Ruthie, to be honest, well, I'm not sure if I was surprised. I was going to say I was surprised, but really, I'm not."

Ruthie looked back and forth between Sam and David, finding it hard to be angry with them, like she was with Robbie and Matt. Sam and David had only been thirteen when she had gone to prison. They were only just kids. Even though they were currently eighteen, Ruthie still saw them as kids. She would always seem her youngest brothers as kids, no matter how old she got.

It hit her. That was how Matt saw her, as a little kid. After all, Matt was eleven when Ruthie had been born, three years older than she had been when Sam and David were born. _"You'll always be my baby sister," _he had told her before, and she was. _It almost killed him, _she thought_, to see me in this orange jump suit, a prisoner. _

Matt had always been sensitive. He wasn't like other guys. _That's no excuse, _Ruthie's sub conscious told her. _Simon has come to see me; and it almost killed him too. _The thing was, though, Simon was closer in age to her. Ruthie remembered all the mischief she and Simon had gotten into as kids; getting lost, smoking, and all the other things they had done together. Her relationship was different with Simon.

Growing up, Matt had almost been a father figure to Ruthie. When her parents wouldn't get her something, she would go and bribe Matt. Ruthie remembered the time she had tricked Matt into getting that make-up kit for her. Matt was more than just a brother. He had been her idol.

And she was not only his kid-sister. She was his pride-and-joy. Matt had adored her when she had little, and they had only grown closer as they grew older. Even when he was away in New York, he always made an effort to keep in touch. Ruthie had known things about Matt and Sarah that no one else had. There were still things she knew, that no one else knew.

The memory suddenly triggered, remembering the one thing Matt had told her, that she was not to tell anyone, not even Sarah. It wasn't like it mattered anymore. The past was the past, and she was sure Matt had told Sarah already. After all, they had gotten back together, and Ruthie didn't know how Matt could live with that guilt and be married to Sarah.

It had been a one-night stand, after all. He claimed he wasn't attracted to Nurse Kelly. He'd been lonely, and she was the only one who would comfort him. And as it turned out, she didn't even know he was married at the time. When the word of his and Sarah's marriage got out, Ruthie was sure the nurse had felt like a fool, sleeping with a married man.

Matt had told Ruthie that it had made the whole work situation awkward, and that was part of the reason he wanted to flee back to Glen Oak. One day, after she had woken up from the coma, Matt had told Ruthie that he'd planned on moving back to Glen Oak before their father had passed away. Eric's death just seemed like an extra incentive.

Ruthie didn't know if that meant he hadn't told Sarah about the affair, or not. But so many years had passed; surely he had to have mentioned it at some point.

The room was awkwardly silent, and Ruthie knew that her time was ticking away with her brothers.

Both boys were taller than her; she felt like a midget. "Sam and David, you've grown up so much. I can't believe you're here."

"We wanted to come before," David insisted.

"But Matt didn't know if it was a good idea. He was afraid that seeing you like this would change our perception of you; he didn't want that. He wanted us to still see you as our older sister who was our role model," Sam finished David's sentence. Ruthie found it funny that at eighteen, Sam and David were still finishing each other's sentences.

"Ruthie, don't be too hard on your older brother. Really, he doesn't hate you. He just didn't want to see you like this. You were right, Cheryl was at Kevin and Lucy's talking to Kevin one Sunday, and we were all there. Cheryl insisted that Matt and Robbie come and see you, that it'd be good for you. We all know how close you were to Robbie growing up."

"Right, I understand Matt's excuse, but I don't understand Robbie's. We hadn't been close before I was arrested," Ruthie murmured. _And I wonder where Lucy was when Cheryl was at the parsonage, _Ruthie wondered to herself.

"That's just it, Ruthie. He hadn't been close to you, had he? Think about it, when were you last close to Robbie?" Sarah asked a good question.

When she thought about it, she realized that she and Robbie hadn't been close since he had returned for her father's funeral. Which meant, Robbie's and her friendship had ended when he left for Florida when she was thirteen. That was too many years ago.

"Robbie still sees you as a pre-teen, Ruthie. He told me that himself," Sarah told her. "I know it's hard for you to imagine, Ruthie. You're a grown woman who has gone to prison. And even though we love you, Ruthie, none of us condone what you did. We can't forgive what you did, but we can accept it, and move on. Whether you intended to do harm or not is irrelevant. You did, and it's over. All we can do is hope for a brighter future."

The quiver in Sarah's voice made Ruthie wonder if Sarah was specifically talking about Ruthie; or if there was something or someone else she was taking about. Somehow, Ruthie felt the words felt oddly familiar, and she knew that Sarah was right. She had the future to look forward to, while she was still alive. There was no changing the past, and if some of her family members and former friends couldn't accept that, there was nothing anyone could do.

She gaped at her twin younger brothers, who were no longer all-that young. When Ruthie closed her eyes, she could still see her mother cradling two blond babies in her arms. She could visualize the day the twins were born, and when all nine of them had crowded into the hospital room and sang.

More than eighteen years had passed, and Ruthie's world would never be the same.

Her eyes swelled up like a balloon, and she swallowed, trying to prevent the tears from erupting.

"Ruthie, we hope you'll be able to make it to our graduation party," Sam said, assuredly.

"Yeah, it would be nice to have our whole family there," David added.

David's voice had developed with quite a masculine tone. Sam's, on the other hand, was softer, almost feminine. Ruthie remembered when the twins were younger; she remembered how slow they used to talk. Both had grown out of that.

"I hope so, too," Ruthie whispered, hoarsely, not knowing what else to say. Before she could speak another word, or give her brothers a hug, the door barged open.

"Time's up!" the security guard growled.

_No, it can't be, _Ruthie thought, in denial. It didn't feel like a half hour had passed. She gazed swelteringly toward her sister-in-law and youngest brothers. The tear drops began to form, and she felt a trickle of liquid dab down her cheek.

"Don't cry, Ruthie," Sam insisted. "We'll see you soon."

But she couldn't hold back the tears when the security guard dragged her back to her cell. She didn't want the other prisoners to see her cry, but the tears were out of her control.

Ruthie curled in her corner, making sure not to make eye-contact with anyone.

Time passed, and for some reason, the security guard had an unusual close eye on the cell. Ruthie found herself glancing at him repeatedly.

Her thoughts wandered. Somewhere, he had a family. Perhaps he was married, and perhaps he had children of his own. Every man was someone's son, father, uncle, or cousin. Underneath the skin, there was so much more to a person. He was getting paid with money that supported his family; only in the meantime was he responsible for guarding the cells at the Glen Oak Community Jail.

During her own life, Ruthie had been a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a granddaughter, a wife, and most importantly, a mother. She had abused her roles, and let down everyone around her. And most importantly, she had let down her children. Because of that, she knew her children would not know her.

Candi and Clay were being raised by the devil himself. And surely, Ruthie knew that Martin would fill the kids' heads with lies. Cari, on the other hand, was being raised by a man who Ruthie barely knew, her middle school sweetheart. One thing was for sure, had the feeling Peter didn't have it in him to fill Cari's head with lies. The Peter that Ruthie had known growing up didn't have a mean bone in his whole body. But that didn't mean he hadn't changed since then. Nonetheless, Ruthie felt that Cari was better off than her brother and sister.

If only Candi and Clay were Peter's. If only it had been Peter who had come begging for forgiveness that August day that she had gone into labor.

It wasn't Peter who needed to beg for forgiveness, though. Peter hadn't done anything wrong; Ruthie had betrayed him. She had betrayed her friendship, and she had taken for granted a true friend. Peter had been there for her when Martin had betrayed her. And how had she repaid him?

If only she had never gone to Martin's that day. If only she had gone straight to the church, where Peter would have eventually driven by and picked her up.

She couldn't change the past. The past was set in stone, and the future was all she had to look forward to.

Was her future worth looking forward to? Her life was ruined. She would never be allowed to be with children alone again. She could never fulfill her original dreams of becoming a psychiatrist. Her future was shot. What would she become? When she got out of this slum, would she become a low-life bum?

Where would she live? Surely, she couldn't live with any of her siblings. All of them had kids of their own, and besides, why would they want her? They wouldn't.

~O~

"Ruthie." The sound of her name snapped Ruthie out of her thoughts. She flinched, and jerked her body around, expecting to see a security guard. Instead, to her surprise, she saw Cheryl.

"Cheryl! I'm glad to see you!" she cried, her heart raced with excitement.

"Good. And you should be, because today's the day of your arraignment. Your sister-in-law gave me some clothes for you to wear, because you'll want to look nice. Though, I suspect they'll be a tad baggy. You've lost a lot of weight, Ruthie."

She truly hadn't noticed her weight-loss, but she wasn't surprised. Day by day, she didn't feel any different. But when she looked back, thinking about how chubby she had been, she realized she could barely pinch the thin skin off the bone on her hips.

The security guard opened the bars. "I'll trust you with your attorney," he stated. "Hopefully, I won't be seeing you back here." His blue eyes twinkled, giving Ruthie a bar of hope.

Cheryl followed her into the bathroom. In the stall, Ruthie changed her clothes. When she exited the stall, Cheryl was waiting. Ruthie looked past Cheryl, into the mirror. For the first time in over four years, she saw herself wearing something other than her orange jumpsuit.

She wrapped the orange suit around her hands, and gazed at her grimy face. Her facial structure had changed. Her once baby face was gone; and instead, her cheek bones poked through her skin. Ruthie's stomach muscles tightened, and a sick feeling overturned her body.

Her head began to spin, and nausea swished through her body. Suddenly, she felt as if she could vomit. She closed her eyes, inhaling and exhaling slowly. The nausea passed.

"Ruthie, you look nice," Cheryl smiled wearily. Her eyes were gentle, as they bled into Ruthie's small coal pupils. "All you need is a little hair tune-up." Cheryl reached into her pocket and pulled out a fine comb. Softly, Cheryl inquired, "Do you mind?"

Ruthie shook her head. "Go for it. My hair is a rat's nest."

Cheryl gently began pulling the comb through Ruthie's knots. While she combed Ruthie's hair, Cheryl placed her soft hand on Ruthie's shoulder. Ruthie jumped, alarmed at Cheryl's touch.

"I'm sorry," Cheryl immediately apologized.

"No, you did nothing wrong. I didn't mean to flinch. It's just...I haven't been treated that great in prison…" Ruthie trailed, not wanting to say more.

"I can't even begin to imagine what you've gone through," Cheryl admitted. "I've seen so many clients go in and out of prison; they've been attacked and abused, and there's nothing I could d…" Cheryl went silent, seeming to have forgotten who she was speaking to.

Ruthie didn't know how to respond, knowing exactly what Cheryl was talking about. She had been abused for four years, and nobody had cared to stop it; not the security guard, not her family, and not even Cheryl. Of course, it wasn't her family's or Cheryl's job to make sure she was safe. It was the security guards, who obviously didn't care. They likely figured she deserved it, Ruthie had decided. After what she had done, she deserved the abuse she had received.

Avoiding her reflection in the mirror, Ruthie's eyes wandered toward the door. Cheryl continued to dig through Ruthie's knotted hair. She didn't say anything while she smoothed Ruthie's hair, and Ruthie's teeth curled over her lip.

When Ruthie's hair was somewhat decent, Cheryl whispered, "There." She looked away from Ruthie, and finally said, "Ruthie, I have a confession."

"Oh?" Ruthie murmured.

"I can't help but forget you're my client," Cheryl said admittedly. "It's hard, I guess because I've known your family for years, and I don't see you as the little girl you once were. I see you as a woman. I see you as me."

"Huh?" Ruthie immediately reacted. "How do I remind you of you? You never had children; you never went to prison; I don't understand."

"That's the thing. I don't know. Something about you… maybe it's the fact that you were ruined by men, too," Cheryl whispered. Before Ruthie could respond, Cheryl opened the bathroom door, and guided Ruthie out of the bathroom.

_Maybe it's the fact that you were ruined by men, too_. What had Cheryl meant? Ruthie's mind wandered as they made the way toward the court room. Cheryl was right. Ruthie had spent so much time and effort into getting Martin to want her, that she had become lost and hopeless. Her hatred for Martin had gone on and off, and she had managed to forgive him every time. In the meantime, she had taken advantage of Peter. Peter was a good guy, yet she was too blind to take that for granted.

(~)

When they arrived at the court room, Ruthie's heart leaped when she saw Matt, Robbie, and Simon. She was alarmed to see Matt and Robbie, figuring after how she had spoken to them, they would never want to see her again.

"Matt and Robbie," she whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Ruthie, don't worry about it," her brother kindly smiled. "I understand."

"Yeah, don't sweat it, Snookie," Robbie's smile, which hadn't changed over the last fifteen years, warmed her heart.

"Where's Kev—?"

"Come on, Ruthie. You need to be in front," Cheryl waved at Robbie and Matt, and tugged at Ruthie's wrists before Ruthie could get her question answered.

She sat down in her seat. Cold sweat dripped from her forehead. Her stomach burned; she figured it was only nerves. The room blurred; a sharp stabbing throb pounded in her head. Her heart throbbed against the skin on her chest.

The judge sat in front of the room, looking down upon the court room. Ruthie remembered the last time she was in that exact position, when she was sentenced.

"Will everyone in the court please rise," the judge spoke. "The hearing today is set to decide if Ruthie Camden, formerly Brewer, should receive parole."

The hearing was long, and Ruthie's head ached. Cheryl spoke several times, explaining Ruthie's crime; and that while in prison, she was exceptionally well behaved.

One of the security guards came to the stand, and testified that Ruthie was never a problem, although she was the only female in a prison full of males.

At the end of the hearing, the judge said, looking directly at Ruthie, "Ruthie, judging by what I'm hearing, you've been behavior yourself, therefore, I am going to grant you parole, beginning this evening. You are to check in with your parole officer immediately after this hearing. Along with your previous agreements, you are not to be alone with a child under the age of thirteen, and you will follow all other terms. If you shall break any of these terms, then I'll be seeing you back here, which I hope not to. You are free to go."

Ruthie's heart leaped. A tear formed in her eye. Her arms flung around Cheryl's shoulders. She soon realized Matt, Simon, and Robbie were standing behind her. Matt's hand was on her shoulder. Ruthie let go of Cheryl, and wrapped her arms around Matt, then Simon, and finally, Robbie.

"Where are Kevin and Sarah?" Ruthie whispered.

"Lucy wouldn't let Kevin come, and Sarah's at the office. She had a handful of patients who scheduled before we knew about the hearing, and she couldn't just cancel on them." Matt explained, and added, "Thankfully, all the kids are in school."

Ruthie's heart pounded heavily. She hadn't seen her nieces and nephews in over four years. So much could happen in four years. Would they even remember her? She wondered what her siblings had told their children; she was sure Lucy had washed the children's minds into believing Ruthie was the Wicked Witch of the West.

~O~

After meeting with her parole officer, a tubby man who Ruthie had a feeling she wasn't going to like, she was guided out of the court house by Cheryl, her brothers, and Robbie. Matt had one arm around her, while Robbie had the other. Cheryl and Simon tagged behind. Before they hit the outdoors, Ruthie couldn't understand why they had such a tight grip on her. She figured it was so she wouldn't run.

The instance the door to the outdoors opened, before Ruthie could appreciate the fresh air, she was bombarded with press. Immediately, she heard Matt murmur, "I was hoping they wouldn't hear."

"Who told the press?" Ruthie heard Simon snarl from behind.

"Clearly, someone with connections," Cheryl stated. "And it wasn't me."

"We didn't think it was you, Cheryl," Robbie hissed. "But whoever it was, I'd personally like to be the one to take them down."

Ruthie realized she shouldn't be surprised to see a little press; though, with her initial sentencing, she hadn't seen a single reporter. Why would her case be so big now? She had visualized herself in the headlines before. _"Crazy woman runs away from Christmas party to local Glen Oak Motel to attack her children." _

The words had flashed across her mind before, but she figured it had been nothing more than a sub-story, nothing front-page worthy; considering the next day was the day that the word was "supposed" to end.

She could see her brother roll his eyes. "Come on, Ruthie." He tugged at her arm, and began pulling her through the crowd. His grip around her wrist was tight; she could feel the veins in her wrist begin to throb.

A female reporter with bushy brown hair tried to stop her. "Is it true? Are you really the ex-wife of Governor-Elect Brewer?"

Her mouth dried. It was the first time since her release that she took note to the warm sun beating down on her face. She felt her own perspiration drip down her face. _Governor-Elect Brewer, _were those the words she had actually heard? There had to be some mistake. Had prison damaged her hearing?

"Come on, _Ruthie_," Matt gasped, almost being sucked into the crowd. Ruthie forced her legs past the crowd.

"Ruthie—is it true that you attempted to murder your children?" she heard a reporter's voice ask. Her head began to spin with all the voices that were trapped inside her head. Her brother kept dragging her through the crowd, and Robbie's warm hand didn't leave her other hand.

Matt had reached a car, one that Ruthie didn't recognize. But when she saw its headlights flash when he pushed the button, she knew that it was their destination. Matt pulled the front-seat door open, and Robbie pushed her in the car. Matt, Robbie, Simon, and Cheryl all followed her into the car.

"Where are you parked, Cheryl?" Matt immediately asked, starting the car. The crowd of people had directed their attention to the car. People were knocking on the car. They were calling out words, though Ruthie couldn't understand them.

"I took the bus," Cheryl answered. "I don't own a car anymore. Gas is far too expensive to be driving these days."

"Tell me about it," Robbie mumbled. "That's why Patty Mary and I had to cut down to one car. Ten dollars a gallon is just too much for both of us to be driving."

_Ten dollars a gallon! _Ruthie gasped to herself, remembering thinking that five dollars a gallon had been expensive when she had last driven.

Matt honked at the crowd and began driving. "I'm seriously about to run these people over," he said, flatly. Ruthie shuttered, not able to imagine her older brother harming a soul. He was a doctor, after all. He saved people.

"Don't do that, Matt. We don't need another Camden in jail!" Simon cried.

"Oh hush," Matt murmured. At last, the crowd appeared to realize that the car was actually moving, and it wasn't stopping. The road started to clear. Perhaps, Ruthie figured, the people decided that it wasn't wise to stand in front of something that could run them over.

Matt started driving down the road. They were in the clear. People no longer swarmed around the car. Ruthie's eyes wandered around the sight. Immediately, she realized that she wasn't looking at the same Glen Oak she had four years ago. The town had grown. Houses had been built since she had been free. The old post office that had once been on the corner of the same street as the court house had been demolished; and a new building stood in its place. It was still the post office, only it was modernized.

Moments later, the court house was out of sight. "All right, what was that?" Ruthie demanded. "What the hell was that?"

Matt's head shook. "Ruthie…it's a long story, let's figure out where you're going, first. You can't come to my house, because, well, I don't think it'd be a good idea. We have three kids, and I'm pretty sure your parole officer wouldn't like it. I talked to Hank yesterday about you staying with him. He said he'd talk to Aunt Julie, but they never got back to me…"

"Let's get this straight. You all got me released from prison, and now I have nowhere to go?" She inhaled, taking in large breath of the stale air in the car.

"Well…" Matt started, but Cheryl interrupted.

"…you could stay with me, Ruthie. I have an apartment to myself, and there's plenty of room…and best of all, no kids. Then, tomorrow I'm sure Matt could pick you up for the graduation party."

The idea didn't seem all too bad, though Ruthie couldn't help but feel the whole situation would be awkward. Cheryl had represented her in court. How many clients stayed with their defenders? Then again, like Cheryl had said, Ruthie wasn't any client. And Cheryl wasn't any lawyer.

Inquisitively, Ruthie lifted a brow, "But what about your—?"

"—we broke up shortly after your sentencing. It's been only me for awhile now," Cheryl cut in, and quickly added, "I have to say, it does get lonely. I'd love some company." She paused. "Especially since the dogs stayed with her."

Ruthie's eyes opened with shock. She remembered Cheryl telling Ruthie that the woman and Cheryl had been together for over five years. Five years was a long time to be with someone, and then break it off. Ruthie couldn't help but wonder what had happen.

Then again, Ruthie had been married to Martin for four years.

"All right, then," Matt responded. "Ruthie, is that all right with you? I'll come and get you from Cheryl's tomorrow morning and bring you to the graduation? I think it'd be better that way. After all, I know Lucy's not going to take your release lightly."

_Like I needed a reminder, _Ruthie thought, and said, "I'm fine staying at Cheryl's place. It's fine." All that mattered was she had a place to stay. She wasn't spending the night on a street bench.

"All right, well, that's settled," Robbie stated.

"Now you can tell me what _that _was about back there," Ruthie demanded. "Why was I asked if I was the _governor-elect_'s ex-wife?" She made sure to strongly emphasize on "governor-elect."

The car went silent, until Matt finally said, "Ruthie, shortly after Peter was granted custody of Cari, Martin fled to Sacramento. We hardly heard from him, except for when he came back with the kids for holidays. We didn't know anything, until January when Kevin and I were watching the news…and we saw him…he's running governor of California in 2018."

"How can he run for governor?" Ruthie shrieked. "Given his past, there's no way that this state would allow him to run!"

Matt shook his head, and sighed, "You're right, but technically, in the public's eyes, he's done nothing, other than appear-to-be a good father." Ruthie took note to how Matt said "appear-to-be."

Basically, from what Ruthie gathered, Matt was saying that she had done Martin a favor. By her acting like a fool, she had indirectly made Martin look good. He appeared to be the good guy, while she was the scum.

_I'm an idiot, _her head throbbed. Her head spun; her stomach ached; and floaters spotted all over her eyes. Her stomach rumbled with starvation. It had been four years since she had eaten real food, after living on cabbage soup and the other grub the prison had fed her for four years.

~O~

Ruthie could barely walk straight when Matt dropped Cheryl and her off at Cheryl's apartment building. If Ruthie didn't know better, she'd have thought she was intoxicated. Though, she knew it had been a good four years since she'd sipped the sweet taste of wine. Even then, she and Martin had only been occasional drinkers.

She was wobbly as she walked toward the steps to Cheryl's apartment. Cheryl grabbed Ruthie's shoulders. "Are you all right, Ruthie?"

"Yeah…fine," Ruthie murmured. "I just have a major headache. I think it's the sun beating down into my eyes. It's been so long since my eyes have seen sunlight." She blinked her eyes a few times, trying to adjust them to the sunlight, but the aching that throbbed inside her head would not cease.

"Are you sure?" Cheryl asked. "Of course, I could never imagine being locked away from sunlight for so long. But are you sure that's it?"

"I'm sure," Ruthie mumbled. Cheryl guided her into the apartment. The apartment was bare. Without the stack of dirty dishes and a stack of papers on the kitchen table, it would have looked like no one lived at the apartment. A couch was pushed against the wall, but there was no television. Other than two paintings on the vanilla-colored walls, the walls were empty. There was not a single speck of dust.

"You'll have to excuse my mess," Cheryl said. "When I'm home, I barely have the time to eat and sleep. My job never ends."

Ruthie didn't say anything. Coming out of the sunlight had only brought a sharper pain to her head. She closed her eyes, but the pain continued to stab her in the head. _Go away, _she thought, but it became sharper, and her stomach tossed and turned into knots.

Abruptly, she shot out of the chair. Directly in front of her, the door to the bathroom was open. She ran, avoiding Cheryl completely. Her focal point was on one thing: the toilet. Ruthie lifted the lid to the toilet, and her esophagus erupted.

The vomit seemed endless. Her throat burned as the fluids came up her throat, but when she finished, she could actually say she felt better. She flushed the toilet and took a deep breath, finally taking a moment to look around her.

It was a typical bathroom, with a bathtub, a sink, and a toilet. There were no special decorations, except a small square mirror over the sink. As she washed her hands with the vanilla-scented soap, Ruthie looked in the mirror.

Her dark pupils were small, and her olive skin was somewhat yellowish. Looking at herself, she remembered the last time she had had yellowish pigment in her skin. It had been when she was pregnant with Clay.

_No, _Ruthie thought_, I can't be. _Though, she knew very well, given the amount of times they had done it, it was very likely.

It would certainly explain her sensitiveness to light, and her recent headaches.

The thought made her sick. Being violated by so many was bad enough, but the thought of being pregnant, and not knowing the father was worse. And if she were pregnant, she knew the court wouldn't let her keep the baby. They would take the child away from her, and there would be nothing she could do about it.

_Snap out of it, Ruthie, _Ruthie told herself. She shook her head; her eyes shifted toward the doorway, where she saw Cheryl leaning against the wall. "Are you sure you're all right?" Cheryl asked, slowly standing up straight.

Cheryl quietly motioned toward Ruthie. Slowly, she gently ran her fingers through Ruthie's hair. Her bony fingers landed on Ruthie's shoulders, where Cheryl then massaged Ruthie's tensed-up shoulders.

"I'm fine," Ruthie mumbled, groggily. "I just need to lie down."

"Well, the couch is free," Cheryl whispered in Ruthie's ear. She guided Ruthie toward the couch.

~O~

The heavy matter weighed down her eye sockets. She must have fallen asleep the minute her body hit the couch. Ruthie rubbed her eyes with her rock-shaped fists. The crusty matter fell out of her eyes and into her fingers.

She licked her lips; the aftertaste of sleep soaked into her tongue. _A toothbrush, _she thought_, I need a toothbrush. _But she didn't have one.

Pushing herself off the couch with the little strength she had, she moved toward the window. Glancing outside, she could see that darkness had filled the street. How long had she been asleep? When she'd left the court house, Ruthie knew that it had only been early afternoon.

She looked toward the kitchen, and on the stove, she read the time: _9:20. _Was it possible? Had she truly been asleep for nine hours?

Ultimately, it made sense. Ruthie couldn't remember the last time she had actually closed her eyes, and slept for a prolonged amount of time. Then again, her time in prison ran all together. She just didn't know.

Her eyes were heavy with matter. She added pressure to her eyes with her fists, trying to brush away the matter; though it still managed to linger. Her head was still heavy, like a brick was on top of her head. It was like the pain would never cease.

Suddenly, she heard whispers. Immediately, she recognized the first voice as Cheryl's. But she was talking to someone. _Who else is here? _Ruthie wondered.

The voices were coming from behind the closed door next to the bathroom. Ruthie pressed her ear against the door, reminiscing back to her childhood. Without a doubt, she felt like she was ten years old again. She would give anything to be so young and innocent one more time. Though, she was never innocent, but at least she hadn't carried the baggage she now carried with her every living moment of her life.

"What was I supposed to do? Put her out on the streets!" Cheryl hastily hissed. Ruthie noticed the tension in Cheryl's voice. And Ruthie knew that she herself was the "she."

"Well, I'm sure there's someone else she could have stayed with. She has plenty of family and friends—"

"—Well, I didn't see you offering your home up," Cheryl snapped back.

"I have two young children, Cheryl. Otherwise, I would have." Ruthie recognized the man's smooth voice. _Robbie._ A knot coiled inside her stomach.

"I honestly don't see the big deal, Robbie… and it's only for one night."

"Cheryl, think about it. You know I've respected your decisions in the past and all. We've remained friends, and I'm not here to judge you…" Robbie's voice trailed off.

"What!" Cheryl snapped, her voice became a notable high pitch. "This is about my way-of-life, I see. You think…I can't believe you think that! No, no, absolutely not. I would _never_…"

"…I saw the way you were looking at Ruthie on the way here, Cheryl. And Cheryl, I don't want Ruthie to get hurt. I know I've had hard time accepting that she did what she did; it hasn't been easy. But nothing can change how I feel about her. She's like a little sister to me."

_A little sister, _Ruthie's heart sunk. _That's all I've ever been_, she had heard those words so many times before. She'd been nothing more than a little sister to Martin or Mac, yet she'd pushed the limits with Martin. Had she stayed "like his little sister," then she wouldn't be in the predicament he was in.

"She's not so little anymore," Cheryl noted. "Robbie, face it, she's a grown woman, and she's capable of making her own decisions. You can't protect her…and besides, how many years were you not there for her? Maybe if you had been there, she wouldn't have done what she did."

"Let's not go there," Robbie huffed. "I've contemplated that myself. If only I could have seen it coming. But I was so focused on my own success, and then when I did return, I had my own family…if only…" He stopped, and Cheryl didn't say anything.

Ruthie turned around, her eyes aiming straight toward the front door to the apartment. _I saw the way that you were looking at Ruthie on the way here, Cheryl. _What did that mean? Did it mean..._no, that's disgusting! _Ruthie's stomached burned.

Her teeth were covered with plaque, and the taste of stomach acid fumed up her throat. She felt queasy, and she couldn't take it anymore. _Fresh air, _she thought_, all I need is fresh air. _

She exited the apartment complex. Outside, a brush of fresh air hit her. She breathed through her nostrils, filling them with the smell of the May night. Aimlessly, she started walking down the street, not knowing where she was going. Ruthie was unfamiliar with that part of town; it was the part of town her father had never let her visit growing up. It was unsafe; and it was where all the gangs lurked.

The air that surrounded her smelled different than she remembered it. Or, perhaps, it had been so long since she'd soaked fresh air that she'd forgotten what it smelled like.

Her legs moved freely, like they were carrying no weight. Though, her head felt like a balloon that was ready to pop. And her eyes were out of focus; her surrounds blurred all into one big blob as she walked.

She found herself in front of a drug store, one that she'd never been in before. It was old and run down; there was no doubt in Ruthie's mind that it had been in its same location as Ruthie was growing up.

Ruthie entered the drug store. The store was empty, and a woman who couldn't be much older than she sat at the counter, reading a newspaper. She didn't seem to take notice to Ruthie's presence.

She found herself in one specific aisle, looking down at a small box. _Find out six days before your missed period, _she read on the box. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had her period; though, she remembered it had been light. Ruthie blamed the lack of nutrients in the food she'd been eating.

Her hands fiddled in her pockets, realizing she had no way of paying; she didn't even have her credit card. Inquisitively, she looked around. No one was looking.

What she did next, she didn't condone, but she had no choice. _Once a criminal, always a criminal, _she explained to herself. She snatched the box and stuffed it in her pants pocket. Her face burned hotly, as she quickly made a run for the door.

She was outside, unnoticed, and in disbelief. What she just done? She'd gone against anything and everything she'd been taught. As far as she was concerned, she might as well be on her way to Hell.

Going back the way she had come, she found herself on the way back to Cheryl's apartment. When she would take the test, she didn't know; but for the time being, she planned to hide the test, and when she had the opportunity to be alone in the bathroom, she'd take it.

Cheryl's apartment door had been unlocked when she left, and it still was unlocked when she returned. She pushed the door open, and saw Cheryl standing in the kitchen. Robbie was gone.

"Ruthie, there you are!" Cheryl cried. "Where _were _you? I was worried sick about you!"

Ruthie raised a brow, and shook her head, "I went out for some fresh air." She snidely added, "I didn't know that I wasn't allowed to be myself, I thought that I just wasn't allowed to be alone with kids."

Releasing a sigh, Cheryl said, "You're free to go off on your own. I just wish you'd told me. You were asleep, I turn my back for five minutes, and you're gone!"

Ruthie shrugged, not knowing how to respond. She pressed her hands against her pant pocket; they were the same pants she'd been wearing since the hearing.

Cheryl's own eyes seemed to take note to the placement of Ruthie's hands. She frowned. "Let's find you something to change into; I'm sure that I have something that will fit you. We're about the same size." She placed her hand on Ruthie's shoulder, causing Ruthie to flinch. Immediately, Cheryl removed her hand and murmured, "I'm sorry."

Ruthie didn't reply. She followed Cheryl into the bedroom. Cheryl began digging through her drawer, looking for something Ruthie could wear.

"Here we go," she said, acting accomplished. She held out a pair of black sweat pants and a white shirt. "This should fit you…here." She handed the outfit to Ruthie, and stared at Ruthie. "Oh…I'll leave and let you change."

"No," Ruthie immediately responded. "I'll go to the bathroom…I'd like to take a shower, if that's okay."

"Oh, yes, of course. Go for it." Cheryl nodded. Ruthie couldn't help to notice Cheryl's flushed cheeks. Awkwardly, Ruthie removed herself from the room, and headed into the bathroom.

She locked the door behind her, and immediately pulled the stolen box out of her pants. Ruthie ripped the box open and stared at the small object inside the box. Immediately, Ruthie noticed that the technology had changed since she'd last used one. Its shape was still stick-like, and a small digital screen was in the center.

_Now reusable! Never buy another pregnancy test again! _Ruthie read on the box. Her heart pounded ferociously as she hovered over the toilet. She pulled the test out, and relived a familiar process, one she'd done thrice before.

She held the test in her hand; her head felt as if it were in a cloud. Her eyes glanced back at the box on the sink counter. _Know instantly! _The words shot up from the box. Technology really had improved.

For a moment, she closed her eyes, setting the test on the counter, not reading its results. She turned around and turned the shower knob on, and the water began flowing, splashing against the edge of the shower. She inhaled through her nose, and look back toward the counter. Hesitantly, she grabbed the object, and held it in her hands. Flipping it over, she took one last breath before reading the word.

_Pregnant_

The moisture sucked out of her throat, and she wanted to scream. Instead, she threw the object on the counter, and stripped the clothes she wore off her body. She stepped into the shower, and began washing the filth that covered her skin.

As she massaged the Dove soap around her body, her hands kept stopping on her bare abdomen. She was bloated, and now it all made sense. This one had no father.

She didn't know what she was going to do, or how she was going to tell people. Ruthie knew that she couldn't physically keep a baby; a court wouldn't allow her to keep a child. _They can't take my baby away from me, _she thought_. They can't have him or her. _

Despite the circumstances, and despite all she'd gone through, Ruthie believed every baby was an angelic creature from Heaven. It didn't matter who the father was, or the trauma Ruthie had been through. No innocent child deserved to suffer, knowing his or her father was a rapist.

Her stomach was on fire as she stepped out of the shower, grabbing a towel from inside Cheryl's bathroom closet. She wrapped herself up, allowing the water dripping off her body to soak into the towel. Her hands froze over her stomach.

A pound came from the bathroom door. She jerked her body toward the door.

"Ruthie, are you almost done in there? Are you all right?" Cheryl's voice choked.

Instantly, she stuffed the pregnancy test in her pocket and called, "Yeah, I'm fine…I'm just—just drying my hair." In the corner of her eye, she had seen a blow dryer. She plugged it into the wall and turned it on.

Cheryl said something, but Ruthie couldn't make the words out over the sound of the hair drier on her hair. She closed her eyes, feeling the warmth of the hair drier brush against her body. For a moment, she felt the tension release in her muscles. It was a feeling she hadn't felt in years.

When her hair was sufficiently dry, she turned the hair drier off. Carefully, she opened the door, where she saw Cheryl sitting on the couch, reading a book. Immediately after Ruthie had opened the door, Cheryl dropped her book. Her eyes lit up as she smiled, "You're done."

"Yeah…" Ruthie murmured.

"Say, I've decided that you can have my bed…I'll sleep on the couch," Cheryl insisted.

"No!" Ruthie cried, immediately. "I couldn't do that. It's your bed, and I don't deserve to sleep on a bed. Really, you're being too kind to me. I'm a terrible person, and I don't deserve your kindness…" Ruthie felt a tear form in her eyes. "In fact, I'm better off on the streets. That's where I belong."

She covered her eyes with her hands, and before she knew it, she'd fallen into Cheryl's arms. "I don't think you're a bad person, Ruthie. You were just in a bad situation, there, there." Cheryl's voice was soothing, but Ruthie didn't believe the words Cheryl spoke.

Cheryl rubbed her palm against Ruthie's back, gently massaging her, releasing the tension from Ruthie's shoulders. Together, they moved into the bedroom, where Cheryl sat Ruthie on the bed. Ruthie looked up, toward Cheryl's glimmering eyes.

A moment later, Cheryl took a seat next to Ruthie, and Cheryl's arm wrapped around Ruthie. Ruthie buried her head in Cheryl's chest. Cheryl's arm moved down Ruthie's shirt, and the skin on Cheryl's fingers rubbed against Ruthie's elbow. Ruthie bent her neck up, rubbing her nose against Cheryl's cheek. The smell of Cheryl's cherry blossom perfume flared Ruthie's nostrils.

Cheryl's lips brushed against Ruthie's. It was a feeling Ruthie had never felt before. The taste of cherry deliciously soaked into Ruthie's tongue. She couldn't believe what she was doing, but she couldn't stop.

Her hands fell underneath Cheryl's T-shirt, which she'd changed into since Ruthie had gone into the bathroom. Cheryl's hands moved down Ruthie's waist removing the shirt that Ruthie wore on her own body.

The two lie bare next to each other. Ruthie's stomach tightened. Her nerves set off signals they'd never sent before. She'd been born a new person.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Please leave me a review, even if it happens to be a flame. And like I said, the second part to this – the grand finale – will hopefully be out in about a week. My schedule is hectic, as I'm balancing work and school, and my design classes are no cake walks, but I'm still writing whenever I get the chance.


	53. Epilogue Part 2

Outside Heaven

Epilogue

Part 2

Not one single drop of guilt ran through Ruthie's veins. For the first time in years, Ruthie felt truly comfortable. She felt loved and protected.

All at once, Cheryl flung her body off Ruthie. "Crap," Ruthie heard Cheryl murmur. Cheryl's distinct blue eyes aimed toward Ruthie. They widened, and Cheryl's face flushed a pink-red color. She whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Ruthie mouthed, in immediate response. Ruthie gently touched Cheryl's shoulder, not thinking twice about what she was doing.

Cheryl jerked away and shook her head. "No, Ruthie. I can't. This isn't acceptable…he was right…damn." She looked away from Ruthie; the moisture in Cheryl's nose rattled as she inhaled.

"Why isn't it acceptable?" Ruthie asked, trying to touch Cheryl's shoulder.

"Because…because of the obvious reasons!" Cheryl cried. "You're my client, I'm your attorney. It's plain and simple, Ruthie. And I should have known better. You shouldn't be here."

"You invited me," Ruthie tritely noted. "I was perfectly fine sleeping on a park bench. If you didn't want me here, you shouldn't have invited me."

Cheryl slowly looked back at Ruthie. "But that's the thing," she whispered. "I _do _want you here. I _knew _how I felt when I invited you…God…I wish I hadn't, but you can't control who you're attracted to."

When Cheryl said the words _"you can't control who you're attracted to," _Ruthie instantly knew what Cheryl was insinuating. Cheryl had felt feelings for Ruthie beforehand. And the he was Robbie.

"Okay," Ruthie murmured. "Now what…?"

"Well," Cheryl began, her voice wispily slow, "Ruthie, you're not sleeping on a park bench, and that's final." Cheryl pushed herself off the bed, and looked down at Ruthie. "I'm sleeping on the couch. You have the bed. You should have it. After all, it's been awhile since you've had a swarm bed to sleep in."

Ruthie stared at Cheryl blankly, deciding that Cheryl really did have feelings for her. To be so kind to her, especially after what Ruthie had done, Cheryl had to have feelings for her. Ruthie didn't know how to feel about it, either. In a way, it felt good to have someone care for her. Though, somehow, she felt like she should feel guilty. But she didn't.

Homosexuality was something that had never been a part of her life. Growing up, she had never known anyone who was homosexual, and her parents never brought it up. It was something she was aware existed, but something she'd never paid specific attention to. Her surroundings told her that she was supposed to date boys, and that was that. She'd never considered what it might be like to be with another woman.

But now, after her skin had touched against Cheryl's, after their lips had pressed together, and after they had shared a bed, somehow, it felt … _normal_.

What would her parents think? What they thought didn't matter, for they were gone.

As for her siblings, Lucy would condemn the idea of it. Matt and Simon seemed accepting of Cheryl already; Ruthie doubted that her brothers would condemn her. Her brothers always had been accepting of everyone. Of course, the idea would shock them at first; Ruthie had always liked boys. Never the less, boys had always turned on her.

Growing up, Ruthie had never liked to be around girls. She tried to stick with guys. Girls turned on her, too. Girls were drama queens; every female friend she'd had as a child had only brought along drama. She remembered her first friends, Sarah and Rachel. Apart, she'd been best friends with each. But when she'd introduced her two friends, they'd eaten each others' heads off.

From the beginning, girls had only been trouble.

She wasn't ten years old anymore. Her age made a world of difference.

Cheryl left the room, and Ruthie lay alone on top of Cheryl's bed. She crossed her arms, feeling her warm, bare skin. She looked at her sweats and T-shirt lying on the ground. _The test, it's in there, _she told herself. With her heart racing, she stretched her arms to the ground, grabbing the articles of clothing.

The pregnancy test fell to the ground. Ruthie pulled her legs from under the blanket and pushed herself off the bed, reaching down to grab the test. _Positive_, she read the word again, swallowing hard.

She pulled the clothing over her body again. Her hand ran over her neck, feeling the small necklace that had been placed on her neck earlier that day. _The camera, _she remembered, _shit. _Everything she had done that day had been placed on camera; from her stealing the pregnancy test, to her and Cheryl. Surely, her parole officer was having a hay day.

But he hadn't come and arrested her, yet. _Maybe he missed it, _Ruthie thought_, surely, he can't be watching every moment of my life. _He couldn't, could he? After all, who had that much time on his hands?

That didn't mean that her actions weren't on tape somewhere, to be watched later.

Ruthie stared up the ceiling. Her stomach ached and burned; she remembered she hadn't eaten since the oatmeal she'd been fed at the prison cell. Her head spun, the room went along with it. Despite the long hours she'd slept earlier, all she wanted was for sleep to come. She felt her mind slowly drifting off. Slumber filled her body, as she drifted into another sleep.

(~)

A lingering, familiar scent brought Ruthie out of sleep. It was an aroma that had brought her from sleep every Sunday morning when she was growing up.

_Wow, what a dream, _Ruthie told herself, recalling the horrifying dream. Her father had died, and she had been pregnant with T-Bone's baby! The night before the funeral, her brothers and sisters had all flown in. That same night, she had been informed that T-Bone had died in a horrifying car crash. She'd been so confused, almost happy about T-Bone's death. In the back of her mind, she hadn't been able to stop thinking about Martin. Maybe they were meant to be together, after all; she had thought in the dream.

Afterward, she'd passed out. Lucy had insisted that it was because Ruthie had lost her brother and her boyfriend. Though, Ruthie had known the real reason: the baby.

Robbie and Patty Mary had shown up, married. The idea made her laugh; the idea of Patty Mary and Robbie meeting, marrying, and not telling her or anyone else, baffled Ruthie. Also, Patty Mary was very pregnant.

Ruthie had tried to avoid going to the funeral, but Patty Mary had given her a pep talk, insisting that it was important for Ruthie to go to her father's funeral. Patty Mary blamed the fact that she was "bitter" on not going to her father's funeral.

Coming around, Ruthie had gone to the funeral. There, she had seen Peter and Martin. Martin was there alone; he had said that Sandy was home with a sick Aaron. He had also gone on to tell Ruthie that Sandy was engaged to a doctor named Jonathan; that he and Sandy were history.

In the middle of Matt's heart-wrenching dedication to Eric Camden, Patty Mary had gone into labor. They'd put off the burial, and had returned to gather at the parsonage. Friends and family had come, including Martin.

To reminisce what she had done with Martin was unforgiveable, and unrealistic. She couldn't imagine doing such an ill-tasted act on the day of her father's funeral. It was unbelievable that her mind had fathomed such an act.

In the end, Martin had left, filled with hatred for Ruthie, and Ruthie wouldn't dare blame him.

The next day hadn't been easier, with her father's burial. There, she had imagined that Martin had told Mac everything. She couldn't believe him; though, it wasn't entirely unrealistic. Martin did tell his best friend everything.

Afterward, she'd gone out to eat with her brothers and sisters, which was destined to be a disaster. There, Simon had announced that he and Cecilia were moving to London. He had gotten a job stationed in St. Louis, though he was being sent to England. Although it was a great opportunity for Simon, the timing was terrible. All of them had discussed how their mother wouldn't take it well.

She remembered getting into it with Lucy, though the scene was blurry, like most dreams. There were always the blurry scenes. It was like there was a hole in the memory. Perhaps, it was best Ruthie didn't remember it. Arguing with Lucy was never a pretty picture.

When they had gone back to the house, Ruthie remembered telling Matt and Sarah that she was pregnant. Without too many questions, Matt had offered to help her in any way that he could. But nonetheless, she would have to tell her mother.

What happened next was blurry. Ruthie remembered Matt and Sarah taking her to see a doctor, to get everything checked out, and to confirm the pregnancy. Then, she'd returned home, intending to tell her mother and the rest of the family about the baby. Lucy had gone upstairs, Ruthie couldn't remember why, but she remembered Lucy screaming. They'd gone upstairs, only to realize Lucy was having another miscarriage.

She'd been rushed to the hospital. Ruthie had stayed behind with Cecilia, Sarah, and Mary. Mary and Sarah had been going at it; for some reason, they didn't get along. Then, Mary and Ruthie had decided to go to the hospital to be with Lucy.

Ruthie couldn't remember what happened next. She just remembered waking up in the hospital, learning that she'd lost her child. Not only had she lost her child, but one of Lucy's twins was dead. And to make matters worse, Ruthie had learned that her mother was in a coma. It was all Ruthie's fault; everything had been Ruthie's fault.

Thoughts of Martin had bothered her; he just couldn't leave her thoughts.

Peter and Meredith had been there for her. They had come and given her company, yet she didn't appreciate it. She could only think about Martin, who hadn't bothered to come and see her. While in the hospital, she had been informed that T-Bone was infected with AIDs, which meant she too could be infected.

She'd returned home on her twin nephews' birthday, still not knowing the results of her test. Hours after returning home, she'd received a phone call telling her that she was clean.

The twins' party was ruined when Lucy had gone into premature labor with the remaining twin. That same day, Ruthie had learned that Matt and Sarah were expecting a third child.

Months passed, and they were all blurry and dream-like. Lucy and Kevin's premature daughter, Bekah, returned home, and days later, Simon and Cecilia welcomed their daughter, Madelyn. Sarah had delivered Madi, since Cecilia was too far dilated to go to the hospital, and Matt was on call.

Not long after, Ruthie moved to London with Simon and Cecilia. It had been a fresh start, one that she had blown. Just when she'd made some new friends and a guy she liked, it had been time to return home for Christmas. All hell had broken loose that Christmas, and it vividly strained her brain.

Her life only had spiraled downward. Shortly after learning the consequences of that Christmas, that she was pregnant again, her grandmother had passed away that January. Mary convinced Ruthie to move to New York with her. Ruthie had said goodbye to London, and headed off to New York to live with her oldest sister. She had placed her full trust in her oldest sister.

Mary had taken good care of Ruthie, for the most part. As Ruthie's pregnancy progressed, Mary made sure that Ruthie had the best prenatal care. Ruthie had learned she was having twins, though for some reason, she felt the need to hide it from her sister.

Then, that August—a month before Ruthie was scheduled to give birth—Ruthie learned that her mother's vegetative state was soon to end, as they were going to pull the plug.

The timing would never be good for such a scenario, but an eight-month pregnant Ruthie flew back to Glen Oak with her sister. There, she prepared to say her final goodbyes to her mother. Before she had the chance, Martin showed his face at the parsonage, begging forgiveness.

Minutes later, the bomb really dropped. Matt and Simon showed up unexpectedly; causing a disturbance. Kevin had heard it, causing him to grab his gun. He'd been coming down the stairs, when he'd tripped, and accidentally fired his gun. The bullet lodged in Simon.

In a state of shock, Ruthie had gone into labor. Later that evening, she'd given birth to precious daughters, who she'd named Candice and Carin. Martin was there for her, and she didn't have the nerve to tell them that the twins might not be his. Nonetheless, she had allowed him to sign the birth certificate, proclaiming him their father.

After four years of hardship and struggling, Ruthie and Martin finally seemed to have their lives on the right track. They'd married, and Martin had graduated college. Martin was financially supporting their family well, and they'd opted to have a third child, a son. That Christmas 2012, Ruthie and Martin had been discussing having a fourth child, though Ruthie had known it wasn't the best idea.

Ruthie's mind burned like fire, realizing what had happened next. She blamed Mary. Mary had been out of her life for years, then she'd shown up, with full intentions of causing Ruthie's life to turn into living hell, which it had. Mary had stormed off, and so had Ruthie.

What was the result? Mary and her daughter Crissy had devastatingly died; Jenny had been in critical condition; and Ruthie had spent four years enduring malnutrition, abuse, and rape. And in result, she had become pregnant with one of her rapist's child.

Every nightmare came to a happy ending, though. Ruthie was released on parole, and Cheryl had opened her home and her arms, taking Ruthie in. Her stomach lurched with the vivid images Ruthie still had in her head. _It was only a dream, _Ruthie told herself_, and dreams mean nothing. I'm not a lesbian. _She was in her own bed, in her own room, and everything had been a dream.

After all, she liked guys. Ruthie chuckled at the thought. Rolling over, she sat up straight and her eyes circled around the room. Immediately, she realized she wasn't in her teenaged room. The covers of her sheets were pink, and the blanket on the bed she had been lying on was far from pink. They were a musty brown color.

She look across the room, expecting to see the bed that Lucy had once slept in, and Matt sometimes slept in when he came home. There was no other bed in the room. The only other object in the room was a tall, brown dresser.

Ruthie swallowed hard. She ran her hand down her neck, where she felt the necklace which was connected to the camera. _No, no,_ Ruthie told herself_. This isn't happening. This isn't a reality. _

The bedroom door cracked open, Ruthie spun around, and the reality of it all was confirmed. Cheryl stood before her, holding a coffee mug.

"I see you're awake," Cheryl firmly smiled. "It's almost nine o'clock, and someone should be here to pick you up in an hour or so. I made some breakfast. You must be starving."

The emptiness in Ruthie's stomach had almost gone unnoticed to Ruthie. It had been so long since she'd eaten a decent meal, that she'd almost forgotten what it was like to be full. She'd forgotten about the pleasure in eating.

Cheryl had given her a pair of jeans and a T-shirt to wear. After dressing herself, Ruthie ate her breakfast in silence. She indulged herself with the luxurious taste of pancakes and bacon.

In the meantime, Cheryl disappeared into her bedroom. Ruthie's mind throbbed, trying not to think about the night she and Cheryl had shared. Whenever she did, a strange and unexplainable feeling hit her.

She felt like a rock had formed in her stomach. Her plate was empty, and her stomach was stuffed. It was a feeling she didn't recognize at first; it was one she hadn't felt in many years. She was stuffed full.

A fist pounded on the door, alarming Ruthie. Cheryl's bedroom door swung open, and a flushed Cheryl came out of the room. When Cheryl opened the door, Ruthie jumped out of her chair to see who was at the door.

She wasn't surprised when she saw her oldest brother standing at the door, wearing a cheesy half-grin on his face. "Ruthie," he smiled, his white teeth showed. "Are you ready to go?"

Quickly glancing at Cheryl, who glanced away at Ruthie's look, Ruthie nodded. "As ready as ever," Ruthie said. She released an internal sigh, thinking about all the people she would see. Most of all, she dreaded seeing Lucy. She was sure that Lucy would be as bitter as ever toward her.

Ruthie quickly waved at Cheryl, and left the apartment with Matt. She walked with Matt toward his car, the same car that had taken her to Cheryl's apartment yesterday from the prison.

"So, how was your night?" Matt asked, seeming only to be making conversation.

"It was … fine." Ruthie didn't know how to otherwise describe her night. She couldn't possibly bear to tell Matt about her and Cheryl's relationship. There wasn't any possibility Ruthie could tell anyone in her family.

"That's good. I take it Cheryl took good care of you, then."

_Right, _Ruthie nodded. "She did. She made me a wonderful breakfast this morning."

"That was nice of her."

Ruthie's eyes were centered on the ground. Slowly, she looked up to see Matt staring in the distance. She knew it. He couldn't bear to look at her, and she couldn't blame him.

He took the driver's seat, and she the passenger's seat. As he started the car, her eyes looked out the window. She didn't meet eyes with her oldest brother throughout the entire car ride.

"You know, Sam and David actually graduated last weekend. We're just celebrating their graduation today," Matt said.

"Oh. Right, of course," Ruthie murmured, not actually expecting to attend the actual ceremony. She'd attended Matt, Mary, and Lucy's graduation ceremonies from Kennedy High School, the same high school Sam and David had likely graduated from. She and Simon had never taken the chance to walk across that stage. Simon hadn't ever walked, even though he'd at least had the opportunity. Instead, he'd been attending his father's funeral.

The car pulled into an all-too familiar setting. Ruthie was dumb-struck, looking at the house that hadn't changed one bit since that distasteful Christmas. The parsonage still stood in its same position, the same position it had been since she was a small child.

Matt guided her through the back gate. Ruthie was reminded of her own child hood, and how she'd passed through those gates many times. After school, she'd walk through the gates to the kitchen, where the smell of home-baked goods would flare against her nostrils. Her mother had always been baking something.

The backyard was set up different now. A play area had been set up; a slide and three swings made up the play area. Also, four long tables had been set up in the backyard. Table cloths covered the tables, which read, "Congratulations!"

Nobody was in the backyard. Ruthie followed her brother toward the kitchen. He pushed the door open, and he and Ruthie stepped in. Once again, the familiar tasteful smell of a home-cooked meal rose up Ruthie's nose. It was an aroma that was almost strange to her, but her long-term memory held its origin.

The kitchen wasn't empty, and Ruthie hadn't expected it to be. With Ruthie and Matt's entrance, the bodies in the kitchen had become dead quiet.

Ruthie's eyes wandered around. The faces were familiar, though they had all aged since she'd seen them five years ago. Ruthie recognized Cecilia and Patty Mary. On the counter stool sat a very blonde girl wearing a red sweater. Her vicious blue eyes reminded Ruthie of Lucy's when she was younger. Though, her thick blonde eyebrows shared a strong resemblance to Simon.

The girl's eyes widened, clearly staring at Ruthie. Cecilia placed her hand on the girl's shoulder, and Ruthie heard her whisper, "Madi, sweetie, go upstairs with your cousins, please."

Madi, now nine, let out a sigh. She threw herself off the chair and ran up the stairs.

An eerie feeling strained Ruthie's muscles as she looked between her sister-in-law and Patty Mary.

"Well. Hello to you, too," Ruthie spoke with hastiness.

"Hi, Ruthie," Cecilia whispered. "I—I should go let Simon know you're here. He's in the living room, I think." She failed to make eye contact with Ruthie, and Ruthie didn't expect her to.

"And I'll go upstairs and check on the kids," Patty Mary insisted, instantly vanishing up the stairs. At the same time, a blonde pre-teen was walking downstairs. Behind her, a golden-blonde haired girl followed.

Ruthie immediately recognized Savannah from the recent pictures Kevin had shown her. Over the last five years, Savannah had shot up in height. Her arms had a muscular tone to them. Kevin had told Ruthie that Savannah was playing volleyball and soccer. He'd insisted it was important to get the kids involved in athletics early in their life, so they didn't end up athletically challenged like Lucy.

"Aunt Ruthie!" Savannah shrieked. Her face formed a wide grin. Ruthie's eyes widened, surprised that Savannah remembered her, or would even consider Ruthie to be her aunt. Savannah had only been seven years old when she'd gone away. "Dad told me you were coming today, though Mom's not very happy. I don't know why, you'd think she'd be happy to see you. We haven't seen you in a long time. Is it true you were in jail?"

Ruthie felt her face blush warm, not knowing how to respond to Savannah. The twelve-year-old was the first person to acknowledge her presence. Ruthie's eyes quickly glanced over to the other girl. The girl's familiar blue eyes twinkled as the light hit them. And it hit Ruthie; the girl was Emma Petrowski, Peter's younger sister. Did that mean Peter would be at the house? Peter had custody of Carin. Ruthie would give anything to see at least one of her children, as she was almost certain that Martin wouldn't come along with Candice and Clayton. _No, he's too busy running for governor. _

The thought made Ruthie nauseous.

Footsteps pounded down the stairs behind Savannah. A familiar, yet slightly aged, face appeared. Withered wrinkles formed under her now pastel blue eyes; after all, she had borne five children. At the age of thirty-four, Lucy had given birth to as many children as her mother at the same age. Though, her youngest was already two years old. Ruthie was born during her mother's thirty-fourth year.

Despite having given birth five times, Lucy had managed to maintain her petite, slim figure. Her thin arms crossed, and her lips tightly pressed together; at the same time, her eyes glared wearily toward Ruthie. She placed her hand on Savannah's shoulder, "Girls, you should go back upstairs."

Savannah frowned, and her bright blue eyes turned sad. "But—"

Lucy gave her daughter a stern look, and Savannah sulked, flinging herself around and stopping up the stairs. Her friend followed after. Once Savannah was out of sight, Lucy stepped closer toward her brother and sister, not saying a word.

Ruthie could feel a cold drip of sweat roll down her forehead as her sister stared. Awkwardness filled the room, and just as Lucy had begun to open her mouth, the silence was broken with a tall, blond young man behind her.

"You're here, Ruthie!" her younger brother's voice filled the room. Simon stood a few feet behind David. David tossed his arms around Ruthie. "I'm so glad you made. It means a lot to Sam and me."

Simon patted Ruthie's shoulder. "It's great to see you out of that jump suit. Let's hope we never have to see you in that again. Right, Ruthie?"

The muscles in Ruthie's cheeks pained slightly as she forced a small smile. "Let's hope," she whispered. Her eyes wandered around, looking for another face. Noticing he wasn't there, she asked, "Where is Sam?"

David flashed a tense glance at Simon, who shrugged and answered, "He went to pick up … a friend. He should be back shortly."

"I know he's going to be just as excited to see you as I am!" David smiled. "Plus…well, I shouldn't say anymore. It is his news." Ruthie couldn't help to notice David's nervous look toward Lucy, who bitterly turned away from David.

"You and your secrets," Ruthie heard Lucy murmur underneath her breath.

"I see nothing has changed around here," Ruthie quietly said underneath her breath, but she had spoken loud enough for the others in the room to hear her, because Matt, Simon, and David all nodded. Lucy scoffed, and turned around to jet up the stairs.

David grabbed Ruthie's hand. "Come on, Ruthie. You should come in the living room with me. Everyone's really excited to see you. Don't mind Lucy's rudeness. She's Lucy, after all." David grinned; his eyes twinkled, and for the first time, Ruthie noticed a certain charming quality about her eighteen-year-old brother. Clearly, he had developed it from living with Matt since such a young age.

Ruthie allowed David to drag her into the living room. Matt and Simon trailed after. Ruthie's stomach twitched with anxiety. Although the party had not begun yet, bodies filled the living room. Robbie and Chandler were sitting on the couch. Across from them were Cecilia and another face Ruthie had not seen in awhile, her Aunt Julie. Ruthie vaguely remembered Sarah telling her that Hank and Julie had separated. While Hank remained in Glen Oak, still working the practice with Matt and Sarah, Julie had taken Erica and Nolan to Seattle for a "new beginning."

Immediately, Ruthie found her eyes focusing on Chandler, a face she had not seen since that Christmas. He had not changed much since that day, though a faded wispy gray line of hair ran through the side of his hair. He was only in his mid-to-late thirties.

Ruthie had almost missed the small girl sitting on Chandler's lap, leaning against her chest. The little girl's blue eyes and wavy-brown ringlets were notable. Ruthie hadn't been informed that Roxanne had given birth to another child.

She was bombarded with stares, though no one said a word. Ruthie waited.

Then the front door swung open. Sam walked through the door, and at once, the eyes shot away from Ruthie, and were set on Sam.

"Well?" Matt asked, eagerly. "Where is she?"

Sam's face flushed pink, just like Simon's would when he was embarrassed. At the same time, he looked toward David. "You didn't tell him?" David inquired. "I thought Matt, Sarah, and Simon knew as well."

"What's going on?" Simon asked; his face stared blankly toward David. "Yes, Sam told us that he's been dating a person over the internet. I mean, it's not the best way to meet people, but hey, it's his life; as long as he's happy."

"David, until now…it was just you who knew the whole story," Sam whispered. "And now it's time for everyone to know…where is everyone else?"

"Upstairs, likely," David answered his brother. "Do you want me to get everyone? Even…"

"Even Lucy," Sam finished his brother's sentence. "She has to know…even if I have to deal with her wrath for the rest of my life."

David ran upstairs, and while he was upstairs, attention directed back to Ruthie. Sam smiled widely at his sister and came across the room to embrace her in his arms. "I'm glad you are here, Ruthie."

"So am I," Ruthie only half lied. There was nothing more in the world she had wanted than to be released from prison and to see her family again. But she hadn't wanted the awkwardness that came along with her return.

Kevin, Sarah, and Lucy soon came down the stairs, followed by David and two more teenagers. A blonde-hair, blue-eyed girl stood a little shorter than David, and the red-haired boy next to her stood at David's height. Ruthie presumed she was looking at her cousins, Erica and Nolan.

"The older kids are watching the little ones," Kevin announced, then looked toward Chandler. "Would Mollie like to go join her sister and the others?"

Mollie gripped Chandler's shoulders tightly.

Chandler shook his head. "I think she's fine right here."

"So," Lucy turned toward Sam. "What's your news?"

Sam stepped closer to the door. "Some of you know that I've been dating someone," he began.

Lucy's eyes widened. "No, I think someone left me out, but that is nothing new. But that's great, congratulations!" Her face glowed, as she clearly attempted to show excitement for her brother.

Kevin gaped at his wife, "You're not the only one left out, Luce. No one told me either." He turned toward Sam, "But like Lucy said, that's great. I'm happy for you."

"All right, let me finish," Sam slowly continued. "I know that it's not the best way to meet people, but this is a person I met online." As soon as Sam stated those words, Lucy's jaw dropped to the floor. Sam added, "I never knew it was possible to love someone behind a computer screen."

Lucy's jaw still reached the floor, and Kevin only nodded, "Hey, like you said, it's not the best place to meet people. But as long as you're careful, which I'm sure you have been. You're a smart kid, Sam." Lucy elbowed her husband.

Sam nodded. "Thank you, Kevin. I'm glad you trust my judgment." Smiling, Sam looked around the room, "I want you all to meet this person, who has flown four hours to meet me here for my graduation party." He moved toward the front door and placed his hand on the handle, pulling the door open. Sam stuck his hand out the door, motioning for someone to come inside the house.

The room went silent, a silence that was only broken by Simon moving closer toward Sam. "Well, when can we meet this mystery person? Isn't this the person you went to pick up at the airport?"

Sam slowly nodded and stepped back toward the door. He reached his arm out to open the door, and he stuck his head out the door. A whisper came out of his mouth, though Ruthie couldn't make out his words. She thought he'd said, "Danny."

A tall figure entered the room. His jeans were tight, and his hair neatly parted, just a little longer than his ears. There was something mystic about his eyes; they twinkled as the light hit them, and he shyly looked around the room.

"Everyone," Sam began, nervously looking around the quiet room, "this is Dan, my boyfriend."

No one said a word for the moments to follow Sam's words. All of the bodies in the room, minus Matt, Simon, and Sarah, stared at Sam in awe. Lucy appeared the most shocked. And then, she irritably shook her head and pointed her left tall finger at Matt and Simon.

"This is what happens when you let a boy grow up without a female influence!" Lucy cried with accusation.

"Um, not to start anything here, but are you insisting I'm a guy?" Sarah's face showed befuddlement.

"Let's just say, women aren't supposed to be doctors," Lucy sneered.

"And yet they're supposed to be ministers? What are you smoking?" Sarah said with a smirk on her face. "Lucy, listen to the words that are coming out of your mouth. Love is love, and Sam is free to love who he wants."

Matt's face was red. "Lucy, of all people, I would think you would be accepting. You're a minister. And how dare you insist that Sam hasn't had enough 'female influences' in his life."

"Might I add, I like girls," David chuckled lightly, placing his hand on Sam's shoulder. Questionable looks shot toward David. "I mean, I like them a lot. Yeah, I just had to throw that out there. So, it has nothing to do with Matt and Sarah's parenting." David blushed, and Sam's face had already turned punch red.

Sam shook his head and murmured, "I should have known." He was looking directly at Lucy. "I thought, maybe for once, you could accept me for who I am, Lucy. I'm Sam, your brother. That should be enough. It shouldn't matter who I love. Matt and David accept me as their brother. I don't know what Ruthie and Simon are thinking right now, but at least they're not making a fool of my family in front of the one I love." Having run out of breath, Sam took a deep breath and grabbed Dan's hand.

"Sam," Simon began, "you're my brother, and I'll accept you no matter who you love or what you do." Ruthie flinched as Simon grabbed Ruthie's shoulder. "And I'm sure Ruthie is thinking the same thing, right?" His gray eyes melted into Ruthie's cocoa brown eyes.

Ruthie didn't know what to think. After what she'd done the previous night, she couldn't hold anything against Sam. "Simon is right," she said. "Love is love," Ruthie looked directly at Lucy and added, "and you can't control who you're attracted to."

Lucy rolled her deep blue eyes. "I can't take this! This stress isn't good for the baby. That's right! I'm pregnant with baby number six!" She looked at Sam and said, "You'll never get to experience holding your own child, now you will you? The whole purpose of finding love is to procreate! And two people of the same sex can't do that!"

She flung herself around and jolted up the stairs, leaving the remainder of the room in shock. Kevin looked like he had just seen a ghost. He stared among the crowd, wide-eyed. "She was supposed to wait until dinner to tell everyone," he said. He looked at Sam sincerely said, "I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," Sam murmured. "It's Lucy. I should have known." He turned his head and released a loud sigh.

Dan stroked Sam's shoulder. "It's all right, Sammy. Believe me, when I first told my parents and siblings, they were in shock also. My oldest brother still won't speak to me. My other two brothers have come to terms with it, though. You're lucky that you have more support than you have those who are against you."

Sam's frown turned slightly into a weak smile. "I guess you're right." He looked around the room at the remaining bodies. "Thank you all for not going crazy on me like Lucy."

Chandler shook his head. "Truth be told, I've been trying to get a Pride Alliance set up at the church for years now. But every time I bring it up around Lucy, she changes the subject."

"Figures," Sam said. "What should we expect? I would love to help start a Pride group through the church, now that I'm out. Somehow, it feels good to be out to everyone. It's been too long that it's been just between David and me, and then Matt and Sarah found out a couple weeks ago when I told them about Dan. It's like an added burden off my shoulders."

"It was really brave of you, Sam," Simon insisted. "To come out, especially around Lucy, knowing what she's like. And I'm glad you told us. Though, I wish you would have trusted to tell me sooner. You know I would never judge you."

"I know," Sam nodded. "It was hard enough on me when David found out, though. He found out accidentally."

"Hey, I can't help you forgot to log out of your messenger account on the computer before I got on!" David smirked. In reaction, Sam blushed.

"I guess there's something else I should announce, and I think I'd rather do it with Lucy not present," Sam started; all eyes were still on him. "Most of you don't know, but for my entire life I've struggled with my gender identity. I've always felt like I should be a girl, though I've fought it forever. For my entire life, I have forced myself to play with boy toys and buy things that boys would like. Well, I'm done pretending. Once I get a decent job, and save up the money, I want to have the surgery. And beginning tomorrow, I'm going to start dressing like my true identity."

The room was silent once again. Eyes widened, and finally Simon said, "Well, that's good for you, Sam! I'm proud of you." Simon came closer to Sam and wrapped his arms around him. "I could never have so much courage to come out to us all like that. Well, when I was your age, I would have been murdered by Mom and Dad."

"Wait a minute…" Cecilia whispered in the background. "Simon, you're not insinuating…"

Simon's face flushed bright red. "No! Absolutely no! I was just saying that _if _I were in Sam's situation, I could have never come out while Mom and Dad were alive. If I were, believe me, I would have come out after their deaths."

Cecilia took a deep sigh. "Whoa, well, that's good to know. I was getting worried there for a minute. I mean, not that it's an issue. It's just, we've been married for ten years now, and three kids later…I mean…whoops." She stopped, her own face flushed.

"You have three kids now, Simon?" Ruthie widened her eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Cecilia placed her bony hand on her flat stomach. "Well, you see…"

"…it was supposed to be a surprise, one that we were going to share once everyone began eating. Things just have a way of coming out."

"Well. I guess congratulations are in order," Kevin smiled, looking toward Simon and Cecilia. "It looks like our kids will be about the same age."

Sarah shook her head and grabbed Matt's hand. "While everyone is sharing their news, I think we should tell too."

"I guess we might as well, but Lucy's not here. I don't think she will like—"

"—since when do we care what Lucy likes?" Sarah cut in with a slightly evil grin on her face. Ruthie couldn't believe the words had actually come out Sarah's mouth. It sounded like something she, Ruthie, would say. Ruthie wanted to applaud Sarah, though she bit her tongue.

Matt merely shrugged his shoulders, and mumbled, "True."

"Well, everyone, it has been almost ten years since we've had news of this liking. And now that Sam and David are going off to college, and, well, it looks like we're going to have three babies this winter!" Sarah announced with a big grin.

"Wow!" Simon exclaimed, patting his brother's shoulder. "Out of everyone, I least expected you two to start over. But congratulations! This is exciting."

Matt grinned weakly, wrapping his arm tightly around Sarah. "Well, Sarah and I have been contemplating for awhile, actually. It wasn't an easy decision, but we're not getting any younger, and it's almost now or never. The twins are eleven, and Josh is nine…already there's going to be such a big age difference. And we didn't want to be like Mom and Dad and wait until our boys were old enough to be their brother or sister's father."

David snorted. "I just hope people don't think he's mine when I take him out…yes, Lucy told Sam and me about the time she took us out to the promenade and everyone thought she was our mother."

Sarah convulsed a cough.

"Yes, Sarah. We know you're still hoping for a girl. But after working with babies for so long, I know that doesn't always work that way. And if we have another boy, I'll be happy. All that matters is he or she is healthy."

"I know, I know," Sarah sighed, wearily placing her hand on her stomach. "But a little girl would a nice addition to our house of boys."

Silence beckoned the room, until Kevin posed the question, "Well, does anyone have any more exciting news?"

Chandler's forehead wrinkled. "I think it is best that I wait for Rox—"

The loud sound of a fist banging against the front door interrupted Chandler's sentence. Ruthie looked around the room, first at Matt, then Simon, and her eyes finally set on Sam and David, who stood closest to the front door.

David took a glance at the clock, and shrugged, "It's still a little early for everyone else to be arriving. But…" He slowly turned around and reached for the doorknob, pulling the door open. Two familiar faces appeared, and each wore a uniform a uniform Ruthie was all-too familiar with. The sight of their uniforms brought on a gut-stabbing, uneasy feeling in the center of Ruthie's stomach.

Chandler immediately expressed confusion. "Honey, you're not supposed to be off until three, I thought." His confused eyes moved from his wife to the man who stood next to his wife.

"She's still on duty," Jeff spoke, a slight solemn tone was present in his voice. "We're here on official business." His eyes glowed toward Ruthie, and her heart began to race rapidly.

"What kind of official business, if you don't mind me asking, would that be?" Matt asked; a certain franticness present in his voice. "No crime has been committed here, at least not to my knowledge."

"Oh, right you are. Not to your knowledge," Jeff said. His eyes glared toward Ruthie. "Ruthie, I think you know what this is about." He held a circular disk in his hand. She swallowed, realizing the contents of the CD.

"What is he talking about, Ruthie?" Simon hoarsely demanded. His sweltering gray eyes shot toward his youngest sister.

Ruthie's mouth opened, but it could not form the words to describe what she had done. She couldn't meet eyes with anyone in the room. Her neck throbbed, and her eyes looked down at her feet. Cold sweat dripped down her forehead.

"Unfortunately, this disk has evidence that suggests Ruthie stole from a local convenient store last night," Roxanne proclaimed. "Is this true, Ruthie?"

"What?" every single mouth in the room gasped.

"What the heck did you steal, Ruthie?" Simon demanded. "I can't believe this! I accepted that you made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But stealing…no, my sister doesn't steal. We were brought up better."

Ruthie closed her eyes, and murmured, "We were brought up not to have premarital sex, too. And that didn't stop us."

"You're not denying it," David noted. "So, you did do it. It's true, then. My sister is not only an abusive mother, but she's a thief."

Ruthie's cheeks tingled hotly. She felt the rush of blood flow to her cheeks. Her eyes began to swell with salty liquid, and a tear rolled down her swollen face.

"What did you steal, Ruthie? Tell me." Ruthie could not remember a time she had seen Simon so angry. She could see the anger in his eyes, which also accompanied disappointment. She knew that he would never forgive her.

But she couldn't bring herself to tell him what she had stolen. Then, she knew that no one would ever forgive her. No one would look at her the same, especially once they found out how she had been violated.

"She stole a pregnancy test. That's what she stole." The words that came from Jeff's bitter tone caused her body to jerk. She seized herself, feeling as if she were dying.

The shock on her brothers' faces was ghastly. If she didn't know better, she would have thought there was a ghostly presence in the room.

"Ruthie, you'll have to come with us," Roxanne swallowed, shaking her head. "I hate to be the one to do this, but I'd rather it be me than any random police officer." Roxanne clutched the handcuffs in her hand. "You're under the arrest for burglary. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights?"

"Yes," Ruthie rolled her eyes, and cooperating, Ruthie stuck her hands out. She tightly closed her eyes; she couldn't bear to watch, as Roxanne locked Ruthie's wrists against the cold metal.

Ruthie was guided outside by Roxanne and Jeff. She didn't bother to look back at the house that had built her.

As Roxanne gently pushed her into the car, nowhere near as hostile as the police officer who had arrested her the first time had thrown her, Ruthie saw a car pull to the curve behind the police car. Ruthie looked behind to see a familiar face sitting in the driver's seat. She would recognize his sweat blue eyes anywhere.

A moose-brown haired woman sat next to him. The back door swung open, and a blonde-haired girl who couldn't be more than eight stepped out. Roxanne was walking toward the driver's seat when she turned around, noticing the car. Peter warmly smiled toward Roxanne as he stepped out of the vehicle. His smile quickly diminished as Roxanne spoke to him, though Ruthie couldn't hear what she was saying. Ruthie did not want to imagine.

Ruthie's eyes fixed on the small girl. Her dirty blonde hair resembled Peter's when he was younger. From the minor distance, Ruthie could still make out the girl's cocoa brown eyes. That was when she realized the girl had seen her. With curious eyes, the girl looked toward Ruthie, and Ruthie found herself waving at her daughter. "_Hi, Carin," _Ruthie wanted nothing more than to say_, "I've missed you, and I love you."_

THE END

* * *

**Author's Final Notes: **So, I sort of left a story full of cliffhangers on a cliffhanger. In a way, I purposely did that. I left room for a sequel, which I originally did intend. I have a sequel plotted, which you can see by the website I've provided on my profile. Whether a sequel will actually happen, is another story. In my last update, I said that I would update about a month and a half ago, but that didn't happen. My computer had a little fall, and it was in the shop for exactly three weeks. So, that is a major reason why this chapter was delayed. Also, I got my computer back just in time for finals, so I was literally swamped and stressed out of my mind.

Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who stuck with me over the last year. I'd like to thank Promising Love 625 for the endless conversations at night, which lead to countless plot bunnies. Unfortunately, it lead to me spoiling a majority of this story for her, though I don't think she saw this ending coming. ;)

I'd like to thank CNJ for reviewing nearly every chapter, and for the insightful reviews.

Thank you to everyone who's reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story, and thank to everyone who's private messaged me with compliments. I'll admit, there are some things I wish I wouldn't have done in this story. If I could go back, it would have ended around chapter 28. But face it, this story became my baby, and I didn't want it to end. XD I think in the future, I need to learn which details to leave, and which details to leave out. I'm sure if J.K. Rowling put every detail into the Harry Potter novels, each book would be 8000 pages.

Anyway, thank you all once again, and I'm always open to constructive criticism. I do have other stories I need to finish, and ultimately I hope to finish them before ever beginning a sequel. However, awhile back I posted a story called _Destiny. _It is a preview to the sequel, if you haven't read it yet.

It's been fun, and until next time, farewell!

- Nikki


End file.
